little ms. "sweet and innocent."

Monday, July 23, 2001
Once again, Bush sucks.
"Never send a notice to hard-working taxpayers saying you will get nothing." Why am I mad, you ask? This guy sums it up for me. I made enough money to qualify this year and paid a huge amount in taxes, but I get nothing. GAH. Don't tell me to kiss Bush's ass this year.

Monday, July 23, 2001
I read sex advice columns because they're so damn weird
First, there's the sleepfucker, and then there's Mr. Paste.

Monday, July 23, 2001
Let's get it off
The campaign to get Friday afternoons off from work, since nobody does any actual work then anyway. "How much chance do you think the petition has of changing the length of the world's working week? Our legal experts estimate that there's slightly more chance of President Bush joining Greenpeace. But at least we're trying."

Monday, July 23, 2001
Oh, come on. Timewise, this is jacked up.
"The first three episodes of the new season will take place on the day of Monica and Chandler's wedding, the next day and the day after than. Then, says Crane "suddenly it's the Thanksgiving show and Rachel will start to show."

Monday, July 23, 2001
I read the beginning of this and thought...
"Hey, they already did this in Scary Movie 2," but this story's actually worse.

Monday, July 23, 2001
I love those countries with naming laws.
"STOCKHOLM: A couple banned from calling their son Brfxxccxxmnpckeeec111mmnprx (pronounced "Albin") have named him "A". But Swedish authorities have rejected the new name too."

Monday, July 23, 2001
So the Washington City Paper did a whole Chandra issue
I don't think that top link'll last, but I'll link you to my favorites: What it's like to live in her apartment, "He fucked the wrong girl.", outtakes from the investigation that are pretty damn funny (Condit has a squeaky bed, garbagemen debate if you could hide a body in a Dumpster, and Chandra's song.

Monday, July 23, 2001
Interview with Fred of Angel

Monday, July 23, 2001
If you're African, DON'T assimilate
I just found this one rather sad.

Monday, July 23, 2001
Microsoft does theater
(Pop Culture Junk Mail Alt-log had some rockin' stuff this week.) What's interesting about this article is how many employees were theater majors and ended up here.

"A systems administrator for Headcount Accounting, Jennifer Carlin, a full-figured woman with her hair up in curlers, nods with grim sympathy. "I have a bachelor's degree in theater... a very useless degree." When asked if she also tried to succeed as an actor, she answers defensively, "Yeah, I tried to get a job. But I didn't know people, so I didn't get hired. I'm glad that Microsoft has things like this--ways to get creativity out of our systems." Ways to get creativity out of their systems. Her offhand remark stabs at my heart. "I don't necessarily love my job, but I have to appreciate how much Microsoft values their employees," she says. "They actually have a budget here for morale." Kinda sad, isn't it. I hate the real world.

Monday, July 23, 2001
The dirty little secret is we are beholden to advertising.
"Staff writers described how Arlington Star-Telegram reporter Tanya Eiserer, who declined to comment for this story, spent weeks researching and writing an article about Dillard's, which has been socked by lawsuits amid accusations of security guards using racial profiling and excessive force against shoplifters. A Dillard's security guard shot and killed a man at an Arlington mall in June 1999. Other deaths have occurred in San Antonio, Houston, and Memphis.
Dillard's is also quick on the trigger when it comes to yanking advertisements. Star-Telegram executives practically soiled themselves at the thought of losing a multi-million-dollar account during an economic slowdown and at a time when head honcho Tony Ridder is demanding higher profit margins."

If you thought that was bad, check out this: "Note to Advertisers: For those businesses selected by our sales staff to be in the "Best of 82nd Avenue" issue, congratulations! In exchange for your advertising support, you will receive a laminated copy of your positive review to hang up in your establishment, as well as a Mercury sticker for your door that reads "I'm one of the best things about 82nd Avenue, and you ain't shit." Also included in your prize package is an invoice (all balances must be paid within thirty days of publication date). If by chance your business was overlooked in this year's edition of the "Best of 82nd Avenue" try to remember the following adage: Money can't buy happiness, but it goes a long way when buying a good review.--Eds" For those of you who thought those "Best Of" editions were just to be nice to the community, you thought wrong. It's all to suck up to advertisers, folks. Note "Best Place to be Ignored by Naked Men, for example. Or Other Business that Purchased Ads.

Monday, July 23, 2001
When I become the Evil Empress...
"Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job."

On the same page, there's also a primer for evil geniuses.
"If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.
If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"

Also for monsters.
"No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.
If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.
Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you have no business invading the planet."

Monday, July 23, 2001
They think the news is better when they stand.
Who gives a crap?

Friday, July 20, 2001
Is it just me, or...
do all reviews of You Don't Know Jack go "We worship Pee Wee, but the show sucks"?

Friday, July 20, 2001
And the religious Christian right pisses me off yet AGAIN.
This fellow was well known for a varied column on religion and spirituality, but he got demoted (and got fed up and quit) when the page was turned to a Christian-only one.

"The title of that page has been Religion & Spirituality. Now, that will be a joke. It will be called the new Christian page and the page will be turned back into pabulum, clichés, slogans, children’s sermons, and platitudes that very few will be reading once again. It will be back to dullsville.
Who now is going to be writing for the free-thinker, the agnostic, the atheist, the Buddhist, Taoist and American Indian on a, so-called, religion page?
Who now is going to be writing about the deadly emotional damage done to human beings with fundamentalist religion? “More people are in mental institutions due to fundamentalist religion than from any other cause,” wrote Dr. Karl Menninger of the world famous Menninger Psychiatric Clinic. Who now is going to be writing about the path out of the “psychotic madhouse of Christianity” (Emerson) into an evolving and mature spirituality?"

But that's not the part that really pissed me off. It was what I read on the responses page. While most people who wrote in supported Edelen, the few people going "We prayed you'd take him away," etc. ticked me off. Particularly the one who wanted ONLY weekly commentaries from evangelical Christians and secular humanists. Bleeeech. People who absolutely can't stand any other religion being mentioned (DUBYA) are just ridiculous. I'm just glad our religion page still shows a variety of religions on it still.

Friday, July 20, 2001
Monopoly Cards We'd Like To See
"You've won 2nd prize in a beauty contest. Next year, sleep with more judges."
"Welcome to jail. Trust us, kicks in the ass aren't what you should be worried about."
"Bank error in your favor. Yeah, that happens."
"You're an honest politician. Go back three spaces in your career."

Friday, July 20, 2001
Teen Mortified After Winning Academic Achievement Award
I'm relating to this one, especially the "don't read anything other than People" and "top student, but not much of a leader." (To which my response was "Whoever said I wanted to be one?") This one, however, is all for my mother.

Friday, July 20, 2001
Rush Limbaugh debates reality
I really don't care about Rush too much, but it amazes me how much stuff he gets wrong.

Friday, July 20, 2001
Sometimes your life just turns into a soap opera.
For about five years, my life was a constant soap, so I relate a bit to this woman, who in one year (a) quit her job to help her boyfriend write a book, (b) lost her boyfriend to a stroke a couple weeks later, (c) got writer's block when she tried to finish the book, (d) had a friend volunteer to help her do it, and (e) she got engaged to the friend and they're marrying in September. "This has been the strangest year of my entire life." I'll bet.

Friday, July 20, 2001
You can't see me if I'm naked!
But you can see my deoderant.

Friday, July 20, 2001
They're still digging through Douglas Adams's computer

Friday, July 20, 2001
The quote car

Friday, July 20, 2001
Poetry scammin'
Once upon a time when I was about twelve or so, I saw an advertisement for a contest run by the National Library of Poetry. So I write my little poem and I sent it off, and later received a letter saying I got in and would I like to buy this $50 book with my poem in it. The kicker, however, was that they'd SENT ME MY POEM BACK asking me if I wanted to make any corrections on it before it got published, and there was a sticky note on it saying "A captivating poem." (I don't write captivating poems, folks. I wrote that poem while watching "Northern Exposure.") And it didn't look like an actual person had written that sticky note either.
I may have been twelve, but I wasn't totally stupid in the ways of life. Why on earth would they send a winning poem BACK? Wouldn't you think that the person had already made their corrections before sending it in in the first place? I shoulda known not to respond to anything advertised in the comics section.

And that, folks who didn't already know, is how a poetry scam works. Sure, there seems to be a contest and convention for the nominees- all 4,000 of them... Folks like Dave Barry and Jeffrey Zaslow and Baba Wawa have tried their hand at poetry (or in Baba Wawa's case, had a bunch of second graders do it) by writing drivel. There's nothing so bad that it won't be accepted.

"During a short bout of writers blah, I made a mean-spirited hobby of sending increasingly awful poems to The National Library of Poetry in hopes of actually getting rejected. After four were glowingly accepted (including one which consisted solely of the single phrase "suck me"), I sent the first 14 lines of "America" by Allen Ginsburg with a pseudonym at the bottom.
Aware of the unlikelihood that many of their "professionals in the international poetry market" had ever read Ginsburg, I sent National Library of Poetry the first 14 lines of "T'was the Night Before Christmas." I received an apologetic letter stating that my poem was damaged beyond legibility by the Post Office, and would I please re-submit? To make it up to me, they offered the very special- circumstance option of allowing me to send two poems instead of one. I sent "T'was the Night Before Christmas" along with a sloppily typed list of the bottom 20 ingredients copied from a Nutter Butter package label, sans punctuation, which I called a prose poem. "Nutter Butter" was the publishing panel's choice." Isn't that interesting how the ripped-off poem was "damaged beyond legibility?" Wow, it's almost like they're trying to be honest with regards to people who copy. Oops, never mind.

Friday, July 20, 2001
Sometimes even I don't get performance art.

Friday, July 20, 2001
Why that polygraph test means bupkis
"By taking a polygraph under the auspices of his lawyer rather than the police, Condit essentially moved his test from the field to the lab. It was a simulation, a rehearsal. He knew that if he flunked, no one but himself, Lowell, and Colvert would hear of it. At his press conference, Lowell bragged about Colvert's FBI career.But now that Colvert is in the private sector, he reports only to his client. The polygraph he gave Ron Carey was arranged by Carey's legal team. When Colvert testified that Carey had passed it, he was forced to concede that if Carey had failed, the results would never have been disclosed. Horvath says people who take polygraphs arranged by their lawyers are twice as likely to fail as are people who take polygraphs arranged by cops. But surely that's because those who think they might fail the test screen themselves out of the latter sample. The probability that Condit would flunk his private polygraph and that the cops or the public would find out about it was zero. He had no fear of detection." The police don't even count it as valid. Why? Because (a) they work like this and they can be beaten.

You really might as well listen to an astrologer. ""Based on Chandra's horoscope (she was born April 14, 1977, at 1:46 p.m. in Cleveland), there are indications of someone who plays with fire and loses." Ackerman claims Chandra's chart bears an eerie resemblance to that of Marilyn Monroe, suggesting involvement with powerful, unavailable men as well as a likelihood of foul play. Both women had Leo rising, Venus in Aries and Mars in Pisces."
Ackerman continues: "I hope I'm wrong, but the planetary placements involved indicate a fatal misplaced trust, disappearing, possible poisoning and drowning. I would direct the investigators to the Atlantic Ocean or the Potomac River."
She adds that Congressman Gary Condit's chart indicates someone who will eventually break down and reveal what he knows. "The stress to his chart will not let up."

Oh, and did you know Condit's brothers are kinda shifty?

Friday, July 20, 2001
Gray Davis pretends to be Tony Soprano
Okay, who's not disturbed by that one?

Friday, July 20, 2001
Purification with Ganges river water and cow urine
Nasty.

Friday, July 20, 2001
The case of the mooning (and tit-flashing) lawyer
This morning our entertainment editor was all excited about today being the anniversary of the moon landing, even going so far as to ask my coworker who runs the bingo game to call an extra number in honor of the day ("it's Moon Day, you twit!" No, he wasn't being mean, it was just funny). Me being a smartass said something akin to "You sure you want to promote Moon Day? That might prompt some celebration of another nature..." Once the sports editor figured out what I was hinting at she said "Get your mind out of the gutter, little girl!" (Ah, the many times I've heard THAT sentence...) Anyway, I guess the inappropriate celebration has already begun!

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Music subscription services are gonna SUCK.
You might as well give up and buy an actual CD. I'm not kidding. Meanwhile, they estimate who'll leave Napster. And they'll probably just find another free site.

"Bye, bye, had a very last try,
Sent some packets to the server, but it didn't reply
So the good ol' boys slowly e-mail their files
Saying' let the music industry die!...'
'Let the music industry die!....'"

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Gah, politicians.
"If infidelity is the test, there'd be a number of members of Congress that should resign."

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Justin, the knife, and the crappyass show.
"These days, when a man puts a knife to a woman's throat and your show is responsible, there's only one thing a network can do.
Exploit it.
Oh, sure, if you saw Thursday's show announcing Justin's expulsion, you know Big Brother acted shocked, shocked, shocked that such a thing could happen so shocked they couldn't show the knife-to-the-neck climax. But that didn't stop them from airing all the tawdry behavior that led up to it, or from spending the hour promoting the remarkably unapologetic Justin's exit interview with host Julie Chen, who expressed the show's disapproval by keeping an eyebrow strategically cocked.
You'd like to say CBS and the show's producers got what they deserved in this shoddy display, but the truth is much worse: They got exactly what they wanted. Every change made to the show since last summer's first edition, from the casting to the rule shifts, was done to increase the level of confrontation and sexual combustibility. Throw in some Brother-supplied alcohol, and you get a show that thinks despicable is an improvement on dull."

"The producers of "Big Brother 2" are their own worst enemy. Here they had a great story fall right into their laps, but when the time came to put it to good use, they fumbled on the one-yard line.
The story of Justin Sebik and the peculiar style he's adopted to woo the ladies - kissing them on the lips while threatening to slit their throats or bash in their heads with a carpet sweeper - was nothing less than heaven-sent for a show that has excelled at little else except inducing sleep.
But instead of exploiting the incident to the hilt, the producers of "Big Brother" dispensed with the Justin story in just 15 minutes last Thursday evening and then moved on to spend 40 minutes resolving the question of who would be put out of the house in the show's first eviction vote, Nicole or Cheryl.
At that moment, the show sank with such a resounding thud that you could almost hear it."

"At some point soon- in weeks, maybe months- someone will be killed, maimed, battered or brutalized during the production of a TV reality show.
If he had wanted to harm her, neither CBS nor the show's production team could have stopped him. If Sebik had done his worst, the best they could have done was damage-control and I'm not talking about public relations.
Isolation, sex, alcohol, personal conflict and half a million dollars. Why don't they just douse the joint with gasoline and toss in a match?"

"In trying to make a more exciting program than last summer's mostly dull Big Brother, CBS may have created a series it can't really air, at least not one that shows what's really happening."

"The producers are messing with the Webcast. Anything that might be good on television, they are cutting away from. Plus, they have started charging for it! Yes, that subscription model has been so successful in e-commerce in the past -- we'll try it one more time."

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
To me, there's nothing more disturbing than a Christian romance.
Once upon a time, I was bored, stuck in a small town in Montana, and in need of reading material. However, reading material was sorely limited in that town to, well, romances. And I ended up reading a Christian romance. Pardon my extremely inappropriate French, but oh my god, that's just wrong and disturbing. I don't even mean the lack of sex thing, but as the first page of the above link said, it's not exactly romantic. It was like the romance part was actually intruding on her God lust, and it was like she was cheating on God to get married (though technically that's not the case). There wasn't much room FOR the romance between the humans. Bleech.

And that Left Behind series just scares me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
First I found the story of OJ and his publicist.
This article made me wanna gag a bunch of times. Just look at these nasty parts: The publicist must be getting a shitload of money from somewhere (sounds like OJ ain't broke) to lie so utterly. Publicist (Galanter): "I want people to get to know the real O.J.," he said. "How giving he is. What a great family man, father, and neighbor he is. I envision a day when O.J. will again be a celebrity spokesman in the mainstream of commerce."
"But there's celebrity, and then there's O.J.," Galanter said. "O.J. was an American hero. And in a blink of an eye all his champagne-and-caviar dreams were taken away from him. I would like to see him back on top. Americans are very forgiving. They forgave Marv Albert and Frank Gifford. Not that I think O.J. did anything that needs to be forgiven! Personally, I am humbled that O.J. put his trust in me. My parents are walking on cloud nine because O.J. picked me to be his spokesman." (My parents would be horrified. But then again, I'm a young girl and if OJ took a liking to me...cue Psycho music)

"Galanter asserts that Simpson is "a terrific father and family man."(He repeats this a LOT. Like a damn robot.)
OJ on Sydney: "She's her mom all over again, she's got those German genes—her grandmother, my wife, now my daughter. Those bitches'll wear you out." (Hey. Do NOT call your daughter a bitch. Ew. Ew. Ew. Creepy.)
"Now the public shows me so much love. Women are my biggest defenders. It's that bad-boy syndrome. Now girls chase me. But if a girl wants to be with me I tell them they have to be No. 3, behind my kids."
"Being a father comes first with O.J.," Galanter said. "I mean, I like gorgeous girls, but I can't walk around naked around my house or jump in the pool with a friend, because of my kids."
"When you say the name 'O.J.,' " Galanter said, "a lot of words come to mind, but not 'family man.'"
The CNN reporter was now reading a story about the breakup of Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. Simpson watched until the report was over. Then he said, "You think if Crowe and Quaid"—Dennis Quaid, Ryan's estranged husband—"ever met they'd fight?" He shook his head. "As a man, you gotta punch the guy that fucked your wife."

Major shuddering there, right?

Then Salon did a followup, mentioning this piece.

"Why, then, does O.J. Simpson even need an "official spokesperson?" It's because, as Jordan's piece demonstrates in a hilariously sly and deadpan way, O.J. cannot be trusted with his own reputation and public persona, or what's left of it. But Galanter has "grand plans" for Simpson; namely, to restore him to his former status as "celebrity spokesperson in the mainstream of commerce." For that, the spokesman will need a spokesman. Simpson is clearly unqualified to present himself in a flattering light, and letting him manage his media coverage would be like handing a loaded gun to a 4-year-old -- if he doesn't shoot someone with it, he'll almost certainly leave it behind at the Chuck E. Cheese.
What Jordan's piece demonstrates is that even now -- after the murder trial, the civil trial, the "incidents" involving his current girlfriend, 26-year-old Christie Prody; after assaulting motorists, creating disturbances and prompting hotels to call the police; after all the intense scrutiny -- Simpson remains utterly oblivious to the impression he makes. So, for that matter, does Galanter, who cheerfully disregards every one of Simpson's bizarre breaches of taste. Or maybe obliviousness, mock or otherwise, just comes with the territory.
Jordan's piece presents a surreal picture of the new breed of spokesperson as superego to his client's unhinged id. As Galanter and Simpson cruise around Pinecrest in Simpson's Lincoln Navigator, hitting, for Jordan's benefit, all the O.J.-friendly spots in town, they sound like an old Abbott and Costello routine. They both speak, but neither one seems to be listening to the other, or even to themselves. They're on some kind of sound bite autopilot. Information does not get through.
By vouching for Simpson, Galanter effectively takes the hits for him. His personality credibility is sacrificed to the greater good of getting O.J. an endorsement deal. And if that's not enough, he'll throw in his parents. Why, these elderly naifs are "on cloud nine" ever since Simpson chose their son as his official mouthpiece. They are so proud."

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Car drives into a store
Son kills father during driving lessons.
Toddler drives the van into the river.
God, these things make me feel so much better about my lack of driving skills. At least I haven't done any of these (yet).

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
One of the larger pain in the butt trolls I've seen in awhile.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
This is not art
Columbine has an interesting essay here about what counts as art (does it have a goal), as opposed to art that's purely visual for the most part. While I don't necessarily agree with everything, it's a thought-provoking read, and the artworks in it are (for the most part) intriguing.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Boy can't remember if he had sex with his teacher
Wouldn't that be er, hard to forget?

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
The Get My Girlfriend Back Petition
Don't you just wish you could try this in real life? "Well, obviously she has no say in the matter; she'll be overwhelmed by the popular support for the relationship!"

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Squirrel Fishing
and squirrel hazing.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Life on a porno set
Pretty cool article. With a few amusing tidbits.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
The rumored next season Buffy spoilers
Without spoiling too much right off the bat, I'll say that at the top, #1 sounds like everyone's wishful thinking, #2 is an idea the Buffy newsgroup was kicking around, which makes sense and would be cool for awhile, but I wouldn't want it to end the way the series usually ends those things, and #3 sounds very realistic and er, expected given the characters.

As for the opening show, the first paragraph sounds fairly predictable, but I'm not terribly thrilled with the second paragraph's er, means, if you know what I mean. Unless the aforementioned means was done RIGHT AWAY (i.e. end of fifth season) and then took quite awhile, it doesn't make much sense. And either way, I think it's kinda lame and I hope they're really doing something better than that. If it goes the way this guy says it will, it could be very very good. I hope, anyway. Anyway, same guy says these predictions are somewhat wrong. His do sound more impressive, I must say.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Beware the 4 year mark, all couples of the world
Not that you can really avoid it unless you break up before then, but heck, you probably will anyway once you hit it, unless you get lucky...okay, I'm being sarcastic here, but it's sad.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
The Invisible Quiz
They delete actors from scenes (leaving only their clothes, a la Invisible Man) and you guess the movie.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Weakest Link casts for Gilligan's Island
So basically if you DO get picked for the show, (a) they think you're an idiot, and (b) they'll make real sure you look like one. Tell me again why anyone would want to be on this? And do you think they'd let this guy (who's apparently a fan) on?

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Neil Gaiman's books have genders

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Redneck haiku

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
A (very late by now) followup to the Memento stuff on Salon.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Beanie Bondage
I don't even go looking for these things (this I found on a forum discussing another topic entirely, I think), but I just post them because I'm amazed at what people come up with.

On a semi-similar note: Pikachu in chain mail.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Why you shouldn't pee in the river
You should also probably skip peeing in the boss's drink or peeing on the customers. Whatever happened to TOILET training?

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Deconstructing You've Got Blog
I think I linked to the original ages ago, but at any rate it's linked here. It kinda goes along with that "Weblog Junior High" link from last page.

"These “neophyte” bloggers happen upon one of the automated Weblogging tools and discover with delight that another barrier has fallen – the need to learn HTML. And they see what the A-list kids are doing: The neophytes read all the preeminent Weblogs. (How could they miss ’em? They lead the “Other blogs” columns on hundreds of other pages.) Quickly the culture of upward mobility is inculcated: If Jason Kottke can be famous and well-loved – living in Minnesota, for gosh sakes! – I can, too. Can’t I? When a very-big-name blogger like Derek Powazek partially renounces the medium, to the neophyte blogger it’s like packing up and moving to hip, hot, sexy Prague only to find out it was a happening place two years ago, having taken that long for the happeningness to gain the attention of leading style magazines.
The fears of these neophyte bloggers are, in fact, entirely valid, but may require restatement. It’s not that you missed the Golden Age. It’s just that the age is golden only for others. And there is pretty much no way to breach the velvet rope: If you’re not an A-list blogger, you will stay off that list forever. (Note that you can’t even really “marry into money,” as was possible in the olden days. Stars cavort with other stars, even in the most extreme cases: Elizabeth Taylor married actors twice as often as truckers. Jason Kottke moved across the United States for love of Meg Hourihan, not some woman who doesn’t even use a computer.)" Aw, you mean I won't become famous? Sniff. (Actually, I don't care because being famous might force me to actually cough up for a domain and I don't want to. Traffic issues sure get to be a pain for the famous sites.)

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Oooh. Somebody in the press pool MIGHT NOT LIKE BUSH! The horror!
People are all pissy about Dana Milbank's press pool account, which they think indicates that he's not worshipful of the master. Shoot, it's more snarky than anything else. Why not have a little fun with your boring job? My favorite line:"Our protagonist departed the White House near unto 9:20 this morning, bound for the Capitol in a determined effort to find Gary Condit."

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
And you thought that US teens were ignorant about sex ed?
We got nothing on the Brits, let me tell ya. "Some teenagers think Coca Cola and wrist watches are contraceptives. One teenager was quoted as saying: "Putting a watch around your penis before sex means the radioactivity of the dial kills off sperm."
Others believed a Coca-Cola douche, standing on a telephone directory, or drinking a lot of milk would stop them getting pregnant. Still more thought they could not get pregnant if they stayed upside down for two hours, coughed immediately after sex, or had sex in the bath, on a boat, or with their clothes on."

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Philip Morris: We save you money by killing people early!

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
The confused Coors family
They can't seem to figure out if they're uniformly gay-friendly or homophobic.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
He signed a television deal to sell his story.
What's his story, you ask? He got spiderbit on the ass twenty times. What kind of a TV show would THAT make? A crap one, I think. Yucka.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Wrongly persecuted
Man, this poor woman (who unfortunately lives in Utah) is obviously hated by her neighbors. Sure, she runs an odd little service that sends topless maids to your home, but that doesn't give the neighbors the right to repeatedly call the police on her for wearing a bikini (and it's not a nasty ass thong string type, even) in her own front yard. I can't believe the neighbors have called the cops on her 3-4 times! Good god! She's charged with lewdness, which, ironically, is supposedly when someone "exposes his or her genitals or private parts, masturbates, engages in trespassory voyeurism, or performs any other act in a public place or under circumstances [that] will likely cause affront or alarm to, on, or in the presence of another who is 14 years of age or older." Wearing a bikini in public does NOT apply to any of the above! Ye gods! She'd better get off.

Updated later in the week: She did! The neighbors "misrepresented it," the cop said. Now everyone's calling about bikini'd neighbors.

Speaking of pranks, now there's the Speedo guys offering to mow the lawn.

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
What's Your Kingdomality?
I'm a Benevolent Ruler. I'm so proud. All hail the Queen!

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Ricky Schroeder's Kegger and Deer-Killin' Bambi

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Slutty seniors and HIV
I'm mainly linking to this for this section: "A man of 70 or 80 who can still drive is viewed as "a hot commodity." Saunders agrees. "If a man can drive at night, ooh man, he's got every woman he wants," says Saunders, who was diagnosed HIV-positive 10 years ago when she was 58 and now conducts HIV workshops for seniors through Agate's program. "I've met lots of guys who have seven girlfriends." Wowee.

Monday, July 16, 2001
The Jerry Springer Weblog

Monday, July 16, 2001
Trying out a RealDoll (sorta)
"Some of the less troubling requests have been for RealDolls with dog parts, an extremely hirsute (read: werewolf-furry) doll and a plea from one patron to fashion a doll identical to the gentleman’s mother. McMullen described the portfolio of dear-old-Mom photos that accompanied the last request. I don’t ask whether he accepted the commission."

Monday, July 16, 2001
Bridezilla Takes Over

Monday, July 16, 2001
The real life cow song!
Yes, I know I've linked to the "I'm a Cow" (above) song before. But these links fit right in with it.

Monday, July 16, 2001
He doesn't remember if he's had 17 or 20 wives.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Do not, DO NOT, ask the IRS for advice.
You probably knew that already, but did you know it was THIS bad? Agents gave taxpayers incorrect or insufficient advice on their tax questions 73 percent of the time. It used to be 80 percent. Of 90 questions involving questions of tax law, 61 were answered incorrectly.And that's just if you ever get in to see them at all. Good god!

Monday, July 16, 2001
This is about the Webbys, but that's not what I'm referring to here...
I'm linking this for the last paragraph's euphemism (going with last log's Fucked Company link): "The Humor category has a well-known but unprintable nominee that sponsors a contest in which players try to pick the biggest dot-com loser they can think of. If the company goes down or suffers a major setback, players win points. The site's name is similar to "Failedcompany.com."

Monday, July 16, 2001
Oh my god, this guy is SO going to get busted when more people discover this.
Look at it while you can: the Columbine shooting game. We should take bets on how long it takes TPTB to make him remove it. Lycos already killed his guestbook, I guess.

Given, say, the furor over one kid, who got expelled for making a Columbine reference, there's no way this kid's game will survive. Back to the aforementioned link, can you believe this? "It was during his expulsion hearing that Joseph K. and his grandparents were told that his "type"--well-groomed, good students who are well liked--fit the profile of kids who shoot up schools." Shoot, I thought it was all the antisocial trenchcoaters who supposedly shot up schools. What's with this?

"It's all part of what Allen Lichtenstein, attorney for the American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada, calls the district's "zero intelligence," rather than "zero tolerance," policy.
"We're talking about insanity and it just gets worse and worse," said Lichtenstein. "What it's really all about is insurance and liability and the school district saying, 'hey, no one can ever accuse us of anything.' So zero tolerance equalling zero intelligence is really the key."

Monday, July 16, 2001
Man lives in his office for a year
And surprisingly enough, no, he wasn't a workaholic.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Happy customer support stories

Monday, July 16, 2001
Life with ADD
Very powerful first-person article on it. Whoa.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Pro-life becomes anti-life.
"But now the "pro-life" position has the opposite drift. In the long run, embryonic stem-cell research would help keep people alive for longer, not to mention improve the quality of their lives. And this research—unlike abortion—can proceed without preventing births that would otherwise occur. So the research ban that "pro-life" activists favor is literally anti-life." I'd like to think that this logic would matter to Dubya, but given his track record I thoroughly expect him to do the most dickheaded thing he possibly can. Already one guy is leaving the country so he can keep up his research.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Interview with a sex offender
Normally, I have no sympathy for these people. This guy's story, however, is pretty damn sad. He wishes he'd committed suicide after doing it (with a 15-year-old student of his). "Richard is certain he won't reoffend. And I believe him. For one, this was only the second time he ever had sex in his life. For another, they have him heavily medicated with antidepressants with the main side effects of sexual dysfunction and disinterest. And just to be sure, he has gained 75 pounds since all of this happened. "As long as I feel bad about myself," he says, "You can count on it, I won' reoffend." I seriously wonder if the guy will actually commit suicide one day. Especially if constant self-flagellation and only being attracted to teenage boys is what his life is.

Monday, July 16, 2001
How screwed up is this?
A guy gets fired for working in the wrong city bureau- which in reality he doesn't even work for and hasn't even been to the city!

Monday, July 16, 2001
Angelina and Billy Bob compared to literary characters

Monday, July 16, 2001
Yet another article about paying for Salon
And other sites. The latter article I'm relating to more because I've started wondering about this too.

"If I spring for $3.95 for one site, how about when my other sites come with their hands out? Another $3.95, and another? And pretty soon, you're talking real money. If I'm paying $50 a month for cable, can I afford to shell out another $50, $60, $70 or more for Internet services? I guess, that's what I'm fearing about pay-for-play on the Internet. I like enough sites that, if they all start charging me to read them, and I can't afford to pay the price, and all I had left were all the sites I pretty much ignore now, where would be my interest in continuing hanging around my computer monitor the number of hours a day that I do?
If even I, a Web junkie, hesitate and possibly reject, and a pay-per-view system doesn't work out, what will work to save the Internet from becoming a wasteland of home-shopping and vanity sites, or a big video-on-demand store, or a haven for elitist specialists? With the implosion of a for-profit business model for the Internet, what is to stop wholesale defections from the Internet by companies that up to now have been doggy-paddling, trying to figure out how to make this thing work and make money, too?
And would I, or you, even get on the Internet at all if, say, they started charging for e-mails?"

This one you'll have to scroll down the front page of Media News real fast to read live, but I've just pasted it all here anyway: STEVE BRILL e-mails: "Actually, two stories a day will be free for the next few months as samples. Then we'll go down to one, then none. So if you only link to free stuff -- and I'll never understand that policy; why not give people a choice to do a pay per view? -- you can still link to two stories a day. But, again, you should reconsider your policy of not linking to pay per view stories when the pay per view mechanism is simple and the charge is so little. Why not make your readers aware of these stories and let them decide?"

Um, here's why: (a) because not everybody wants to do pay-per-view. Very few people actually pay. (b) I certainly don't want to pay to read these things (presumably Romanesko doesn't either), especially given (c) I don't think it's fair to promote stories not everyone can read easily.
Reading this just made me gag. "Why not let the readers decide," my ass. He just still wants to get free plugs. If the readers really wanted to read Inside they'd go buy it on their own, not just go "Oh, gee, Romanesko linked to this story and it sounds great, but I have to pay for it. I'll immediately sign up for the whole service just to read that one story." Hah. I vote that Steve go start his own all-for-pay weblog.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Yay more male birth control!
The annoying thing to me when I saw this on Plastic was this comment by cpg that guys would never do a Norplant-like birth control because "Let's be real - men are not going to use a method of contraception that is inconvenient (installation of the rod, plus multiple injections of testosterone is pretty damned inconvenient) -especially one that also places their manhood at risk." I liked this response by hedgehog: "Why should men be subjected to body- and emotional-changing pharmeceuticals? It isn't like estrogen-based contraception doesn't ravage women, right?
And let's not even get started on the inconvenience of it all...having to go to a doctor once a year! What's up with that? I mean, women don't have to go and get pelvics done at least that often, and having a speculum inserted doesn't hurt at all, right?
There's your bottom line. It isn't a matter of responsibility for a majority of men out there (yeah, I'm generalizing), but the fact that there's a little snipping involved. And now they're scared. And, oh, they could -possibly- grow some little boobettes if they halt treatment. Wah. Women are expected to suck it up and deal with all of the emotional, biological and psychological bullshit that more often than not accompanies the pill...they pay the price for the currently accepted means of alleviation of male responsibility. And it isn't cheap.
Betcha that male contraception gets covered by HMOs once it's approved, too. In a heartbeat."

Is it just me, or does this guy's comment rather smack of "well, I don't have to deal with it, so I wouldn't, and I for one don't have to put up with that crap." Hey, when you're whining about putting on a damn condom instead of doing this, don't come crying to me. It's about damn time that men have to take some responsibility about what goes on.

Monday, July 16, 2001
You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry. You'd better not hide, I'm telling you why.
The robbers are coming to town, and if you don't cough up some valuables, they'll kick your ass. According to this article, thieves in Nigeria are so sure they'll never get caught they send warning notes to people to ensure they'll have valuables to steal. If you don't, they'll beat or shoot you. God, this is totally disturbing. I need to remember this next time I'm bitching about the American crime scene.

Monday, July 16, 2001
Do you deserve to pass on your genes, the quiz asks.
Oddly enough, it doesn't answer this question at all once you've filled it out, but does tell you what animal you are. I am apparently a Horny Toad. I may not be bright, or up to much physically, or bathe a lot, but I ooze sex appeal. Er, um...

Monday, July 16, 2001
When actors post on websites for real, the fun begins
I didn't see too many episodes of Popular. The first one I saw was great, and then the second one I saw was so completely awful I never watched it again. But the bitchy cheerleader Nicole was certainly shocking. Anyway, around the time of the premiere she posted on the Mighty Big TV boards, and those in charge thought she was fake and banned her from them. Surprise, she wasn't. (Much like that recent Aaron Sorkin MBTV posting too, but that mess was way too hard to link to. MBTV's boards are so labyrinthian, I swear.) Anyway, despite that auspicious beginning, the show's recapper did get a lovely interview with her about the show, dating Melissa Etheridge and coming out in Hollywood. (Can I just say that it delights me no end that the bitchy cheerleader is gay? I feel much the same way about Bulldog on Frasier. I love irony.)

On a similar MBTV note, I'm pretty much linking to this Grosse Pointe interview for one thing on the front page, though the rest is also very good. Note what she said about how hard it is to tape record phone conversations? "I mean, the recorder didn't work with the device that the munchkin at the damn Radio Shack had shilled to me for twenty frickin' dollars; then the other device that Wedge was kind enough to pick up for me from yet another shyster Radio Shack agent of the devil wound up not working at all." I have tried to do this myself with Radio Shit equipment before. It was heinous. They first told me to get this little bitty suction cup thing and attach it to my little tape recorder (that I use at work) and phone. Does. not. Work. Then I had to buy a bigger device thing that only worked with big tape recorders, and then I had to buy a big tape recorder because I didn't have one and at any rate it had to have a certain jack in it. I did manage to find the one recorder that didn't cost $60 though. I did get it to work eventually, but it was a total pain in the ass, and the interview flaked on me big time anyway. Gack. Not worth it.