Friday, April 20, 2001
The problem with television
As I was thinking "Jesus Christ, how long has it been since there was a new episode of Buffy on?" for two months straight, I come across this:

"Meanwhile, here's a typical broadcast series calendar, in this case, "West Wing": Its second year started Oct. 4 with a two-hour season premiere. The next original aired Oct. 18, the first of seven consecutive new hours through November sweeps. Two weeks were skipped until the next new episode Dec. 20.
Then we waited until Jan. 10, then Jan. 24. After another week skipped, we got four newies for February sweeps. A week off until the March 14 entry. Then almost a month until that April 4 episode in which Toby got gassed. Now these last two weeks' repeats. Next Wednesday, we finally see Toby and Company cope, in the long-awaited follow-up original. NBC has taken 29 weeks to show 18 new episodes, two of which aired together as the season premiere. We're not even including the expected summer reruns."

Friday, April 20, 2001
Survivor quotes that crack me up:
Colby: "In the first episode, he introduced himself to viewers with that tired ''Every day ah thank Gawd ah was born a Texan'' shtick that Texans don't seem to realize causes those of us in the other 49 states of the Union to roll our eyes and make really mean Texas jokes behind their big broad Texan backs."

Tina: "Ironically, while actress wannabe Jerri operated loudly under clouds of nefarious scheming before getting the boot, our middle aged Southern underdog has been giving the performance of a lifetime: ''Why don't we all go around the happy circle and say something really nice about each other''.... ''I try to stay away from cooking so I don't have to be judged''.... ''Well, gee whiz, I've never tried wine before''.... ''No, no, 'I' screwed up so 'I' should be the one voted off''.... ''Sure, Keith, even though I obviously could stay on this perch well past menopause, I'll step down and risk my own survival so you can be granted immunity''....

Keith: "Peas stop!!!" and "There might be a silver lining, though, for those who'd like to see "Carrots" pureed." and even more: "Any good chef would know that it's a bad idea to drop your locks unless there are bagels and cream cheese around." Oh yeah, and the scary photo.

On another subject, why the heck are people surprised that Burnett lied? The guy's been fucking with his "credibility" from day one with all the "I won't denounce incorrect spoilers", yada yada.

Friday, April 20, 2001
More ripping on working mothers, yet AGAIN.
Man, Jennifer Foote Sweeney is pissed off at this study. I swear, working mothers can't get a break. Speaking as a kid who was in day care for years and years and years, I'm not more aggressive or mean. Quite the opposite. I knew a few kids like that, but most weren't. I think they're smoking crack.

Friday, April 20, 2001
Robert Smigel on the X-Presidents
"I just wanted Jimmy Carter to play the tambourine because I wanted to feminize him as much as possible. Because he's the only Democrat there, it's fun to imagine that the three kick-ass Republicans think of him as a big pussy. So I had Carter play the tambourine because you never see a guy play the tambourine, and I had [Gerald] Ford play the drums because he seems to be the least capable of making music and just good for beating on something."

Friday, April 20, 2001
People will computerize anything.
"So this year, we wired the VaxTap 2000 Pro to the Web. Now we can keep tabs on keg levels and beer temperature, and maintain accurate logs for every pull of the tap--from anywhere in the world via our favorite Web browser. (Not any more.) It just goes to show that anything can be managed. How did we do it? Well, when you start with a starving electrical engineering student, a staff programmer with way too much time on his hands and a keg full of beer, just about anything is possible."

And if you thought that was weird, there's a toaster that tells the weather. What do you do with this?

Friday, April 20, 2001
Another reason to not want to go into the military
"For much of basic training, despite your unprecedented calorie needs, eating is genuinely unpleasant-you must "lock your body up" (i.e. sit at attention, and in some programs eat "a square meal," meaning that all silverware movements twixt plate and mouth have to form right angles) and not let your eyes wander from your own tray. You must eat everything on your plate, even stuff you hate, and going back for seconds involves so many rules and regulations that it's not worth it. And we weren't allowed sweets for five weeks."

You know, I do not get the point of forcing people to do that. It is just insane.

Friday, April 20, 2001
Another odd cat tail
"People come over and get grossed out by my cat's ass and wiggly stump and I'm terrified he's going to hump the television while we try and watch and I've got to explain that my two teenaged boy cats are going through rough periods. One has acne and the other just discovered masturbation.
This is not my beautiful life."

Friday, April 20, 2001
The PortaBush
No, I did not make this up. I swear. No, I don't think it's a parody either.

Friday, April 20, 2001
Note to self: Don't interview Dave Eggers.
"Dave doesn't do phone interviews. He does do e-mail interviews, but the interview must be published as strict Q&As, printed without embellishment or elaborate introductions.
Such as:
Q: GFHJGHHFFHG
A: HJUGHJGJGHJG
He also prefers offbeat questions and nothing run-of-the-mill (especially questions about AHWOSG)."

I recently finished his book, and it's quite a wacky piece of work. I'd strongly suspect he's an awfully weird dude who likes to be a pain in the ass anyway, but this er, confirms it, I think.

Friday, April 20, 2001
And you thought Americans were fucked up because of their teachers?
"She even admitted to having “ripped pages out of their exercise books when I couldn’t be bothered to read their essays. They were so thick that most of them probably wouldn’t even have remembered having completed an assignment, so it didn’t really matter."

Friday, April 20, 2001
Die, paperclip, die, die!

Friday, April 20, 2001
We are living in a multitasking world...
and I, for one, relate very, very well to this. If I didn't multitask, how much would I not get done?

"While working recently on a paper for a class on state drug laws, a project that involved not just writing but searching the Web for information, Colleen checked her e- mail on a running basis and kept up to eight Instant Messenger screens running, engaging in bursts of online conversation with friends about weekend plans. All this while listening to Faith Hill on her MP3 player and burning a CD with songs from The Corrs, a new favorite band.
Others say they multitask because they are inundated with demands on their day. "If I couldn't multitask, I couldn't do what I do," said Alia Stavrand Woolf, who is a junior at Emma Willard School and Rebekah's roommate. "I'd have to cut a sport, or cut a class."

Friday, April 20, 2001
Great Bridget Jones review
"Bridget Jones's Diary," director Sharon Maguire's adaptation of the hugely successful Helen Fielding novel, isn't nearly the movie it should be. But a film's tone is much harder to get right than its shape: Think of the difference between a straightforward royal blue and a dusty periwinkle that's exactly the shade of that one elusive stripe of a certain sunset sky. In that sense, "Bridget Jones's Diary," despite its miscues and patches of wayward perambulating, wins the bigger battle. It strikes just the right tone, and in the recent universe of airlessly cheery romantic comedies like "Someone Like You" and "What Women Want," that's no small thing.
"Bridget Jones" makes a better movie than it does a novel. Fielding herself helped adapt it; Andrew Davies and Richard Curtis, the latter of whom wrote "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and "Notting Hill," are her co-writers. "Bridget Jones" the movie is a recognizable version of the book; it's simply a much smarter one.
Meanwhile, Bridget goes about the business of being single and feeling increasingly uncomfortable with that fact; she makes the occasional reference to wanting to lose that 20 pounds, quit smoking and, of course, find a nice, steady boyfriend. The script, unlike the book, doesn't hammer those points into you like so many torturesome thumbtacks. Maybe that's partly because Zellweger is so at home in the character of Bridget that she doesn't need them.
Against Aretha Franklin's opening salvo of "Respect" ("Whatchyu want?/Baby, I got it"), a set of elevator doors opens to show us Grant's face in close-up; before we've even seen him move, we know he thinks he's the cock of the walk just by the way his lounge lizard's eyes dart back and forth, looking to capture his next meal with his tongue, or whatever's close at hand."

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Awwwwww.
Wow. Talk about a day when you feel significant in the world.

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Isn't this a scary picture of Michael Douglas and his jaw?

Thursday, April 19, 2001
The Blinky Ribbon Campaign

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Weather Prediction Accuracy

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Starting a new trend: blow-your-brains-out-it's-so-bad reality television
I'm not watching it. But ye gods, reading about it...

Thursday, April 19, 2001
The truth about school, bunny style
"It's only 9 a.m., but we're already bored! How can time go so slow? When's recess? I want to run and play! If I daydream, I wonder if the teacher will notice? I don't want to get yelled at, so I'll stare at the chalkboard.
The teacher says "It's time for art! I better stay in the lines this time, I don't want another "D" for art. Oh shit! I made the sun blue! I'm sure the child psychologist will ask me about that.
I ask a question, but it's a stupid question and now I have to do detention after school. The teacher says "Nobody likes a wiseass."

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Rosie the magazine, Onion style

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Galaxy of Fame, Special Crappy and Kinda Criminal Edition
Sample line: "As for Steve, he gets an unimpeachable excuse to consult with a plastic surgeon, which may actually result in his getting mistaken for the living dead just a little less often than he is now."

Thursday, April 19, 2001
In the event anyone wondered where I was for so long...
I have been working on a project related to their artwork. If you've never heard of them before you must check out the pictures on this site, they're amazing.

Thursday, April 19, 2001
I haven't seen this show, but I sure like the review.
"On top of this premise is layered every sitcom trope, every touchstone, every nuance you've come to expect from a poor half-hour of television. And then some. Do sitcoms have laugh tracks? Oh boy, does Bush! have a laugh track. Do audiences whistle and hoot when hot chick characters enter the scene? It sounds like feeding time at the nearest Delta Tau Delta house when Bush!'s Princess comes onstage. And sitcoms always have wacky neighbors who arrive according to the demands of the plot and help themselves to food -- even if one wonders how far away the nearest neighbor of the White House lives, and why the White House would stock beer in a fridge by the door. And sitcoms always have witty acerbic domestic help to make snide remarks undercutting the main characters.
What Parker and Stone have managed to do is find a perfect way to highlight the immense stupidity of the average sitcom as designed and built for the last thirty years or so. By slathering standard kneejerk piss-poor sitcom conventions over the thoroughly ridiculous concept of President-as-Tim Allen, they have stripped -- deconstructed and demolished -- the structure of the sitcom and shown in very bare terms just how truly impoverished and pathetic it has become. Probably no other character or real world figure could so admirably perform this function. It's the application of the Standard Sitcom Toolkit to the sitting President which is so ridiculous, and which shows, by extension, how ridiculous the Toolkit is even when used sincerely.
So watching the first episode of That's My Bush! is a weird experience, because while you are thinking, "Lordy, this is a bad show," you are also thinking, "But you know, this isn't much worse than a lot of shows I've seen which were seriously produced," and furthermore you're thinking, "How long are they going to get away with this?"
I believe it was Henry Miller who wrote that one gets used to Hell, and in a way that's what makes it Hell. Likewise, I think we can say that one can get used to the sitcom form, and be lulled by it, and that'swhat makes it Hell.
All in all, I don't think the show can or will survive very long. I also think that's beside the point: With a show like this, I think Parker and Stone just want to get it on the record that they were able to create this show, and get it on the air, and get some people to watch it, no matter how incredibly weird it was, and tasteless, and inane. It's a one-line joke whose point is not the joke itself, but that the joke was told at all."

Thursday, April 19, 2001
Video game T&A's gonna last.
*sigh* I just wish they didn't all look so damn tacky tits.

Thursday, April 19, 2001
My friend Melissa's philosophy

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Dennis Miller rants online
Sadly it's all RealPlayer/Quicktime/Java popup windows here, but if you go the popup windows route and scroll down to the pulldown menu you can find an excellent rant on psychiatry.

"Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.
But I do know that psychosis falls into two major categories, manic-depression, and schizophrenia. Being diagnosed as one or the other has two immediate benefits. First, it automatically defines a set of effective treatments and second, it tells you which side you'll play on in the annual Crazy Fucks Softball Tournament.
Therapists face the daunting task of taking chaotic, violent and unstable people and molding them into well-rounded, secure and productive members of a chaotic, violent and unstable society.
Basically I'm a pretty normal guy when it comes to my mental health. I guess if I have one little problem that makes me consider seeing a shrink, it's a white-hot hatred for all humanity that burns so intensely it literally sears my insides. Other than that, I'm feelin' pretty mellow these days."

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
DSL technical help hell, Onion-style

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Horowitz walked out on in Davis
I'm so proud of my fellow students for doing this. Not that I give any kind of a crap about his fucking ad any more- I think the guy is just trying to stir the shit and get as much attention as he possibly can in any way, shape or form, much like your average 3-year-old if the kid was a media whore. As far as I'm concerned we should probably start an "Ignore Horowitz and his damn ad" campaign.

After our reporter wrote about the whole thing, she said the Aggie was pissed off at her. She also commented that Horowitz brought two huge black bodyguards with him, and wrote her a thank-you note afterwards. Hm.

I submitted these links to the famed MediaNews, and he posted them today! Woo hoo! I'm so proud.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Those too-literary folks
"Here's how I judge a book: If an author uses four pages of text to explain a concept that could have been captured in six words, I put it back on the shelf and move on. So-called "serious authors" (other than Hemingway, but let's not get nitpicky) will never write a simple sentence like "Benjamin went for a walk."Instead we find Benjamin "capering jauntily along the mossy path." A tree can't simply "grow," it has to, "reach trembling tendrils toward the heavens."

There will be no capering in any novel I read by choice. There will be no tendrils trembling. There will be no jubilant cavorting, no fanciful meandering, and little to no "ebullience."

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
A happy birthday horoscope for me, sorta
(Yup, it's Tuesday.) "You are on the verge of integrating with your world. A new life is finally on the horizon and good times lie ahead for you. With Saturn leaving your sign you are going to be breathing a lot easier in general. Congratulations; you have survived a difficult two years."

Oh, so it's Saturn's fault that life's been bloody difficult over the last two years? Ai yi yi. In that case, begone with him!

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Tales of the Well
I'm not quite sure why I'm linking to this since I'm not on the Well- I want to be because some of my favorite authors are on it, but on the other hand I'm bothered at the whole pay-for-a-web-community thing. But anyway, the Tom Mandel story featured here reminded me of Susie Bright's version in "Sexual State of the Union."

Not like anyone cares that I'm having this train of thought, right?

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Back to the whole gastric bypass surgery series
Stomach the size of a thumb? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And no shit, they had to have had health problems after this.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Hi, we're ghouls. Can we rent your apartment?
Jesus, does this just seem tacky or what? Even as a member of the media, I'm not sympathetic. It's creepy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Should I read this book or not?
Among other things that kinda intrigue me, it mentions the Ravenhearts (most of who I've met and mentioned in previous weblogging). But it sounds like she badmouths them in kinda stupid ways. Hmm.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Narbonic, the role playing game
Just in case anyone's gotten hooked on this comic like I did.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
The Nerd Test
I got "This means that you are 50 % nerd. According to this score you seem to be QUITE A NERD. I think there is no hope you will ever be able to interact with normal human beings. Consulting a psychiatrist could be a good solution in order to lower your nerd score."

Is anyone surprised at this?

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Drink of my brain for eternal life and good cola!
I know the artist, and he can crack me up. He's the only other person I know doing English and design at this school. Being the Queen of Backpack Crap, I find that I'm relating to this somehow. And here's some hot female ass for ya! (Yes, we did have hot naked male ass in the Aggie awhile back.)

Saturday, April 7, 2001
How she longs for the days of Inigo Montoya
"The ratio of men of action to faithful women is cruelly skewed. Men today are afraid of calling us, much less pledging devotion. They won’t give us a seat on the subway, much less their word of honor. They are loyal to bands. They are devoted to PS2. They are determined to get laid.
Men, in this day and age, are boys.
This outlook is bleak and cynical, I know, but it’s not new. Most women I know, save for the few fortunate and the fools, echo these complaints. Here is my attempt at quixotic optimism: maybe this consistent disappointment is the faithfulness part. Maybe we have to wait diligently for our dearest loves to come for us before we have even met them. Maybe they won’t be quite as cool as Iñigo Montoya (horrors), but hopefully they won’t be drunks or killers either.
Maybe they won’t always say, “As you wish,” but hopefully they won’t make us say, “I’m not a witch, I’m your wife — but after what you just said, I’m not sure I want to be that anymore!” Massively disappointing alternatives notwithstanding, I am holding out for the ilk of Iñigo. I hope you will too."

Saturday, April 7, 2001
The torturous beauty of Thomas Kinkade
My parents went through a Thomas Kinkade fixation for several years, which drove me nuts. In all honesty I think his fantasy work is generally pretty and I tend to think the hiding-n's thing is cute, rather akin to looking for the hidden pictures in Bev Doolittle paintings, but the man is just SO FRIGGING EVERYWHERE that it's disgusting. Talk about the new pop art. I dreaded walking by one of his damn galleries because my parents would stop in for an hour and a half.

"Kinkade—who doesn’t even sell the original paintings but instead sells factory-made lithographs —bills himself as "America’s best-selling living artist" and that same country’s "most collected living artist." He estimates that 10 million American homes boast Kinkade prints. In Orange County alone, there are 20 stores—many of them franchised "Thomas Kinkade Signature Galleries" located in malls—that sell Kinkades. (According to Mary, who works at the South Coast Plaza gallery, which she says is the largest Kinkade gallery in the nation, there are six price levels for Kinkades, depending on size and availability. The prints in her store range from $635 to $13,000.) His publicly traded company, the San Jose-based Media Arts Group Inc. (MAGI), is a slick commercial enterprise that prides itself on knowing how to come between you and your money, claiming to have developed a "lifestyle brand based around the personality of the artist." To this end, his name (Kinkade™) and even his tag line ("painter of light"™) are trademarked, and there’s unlimited licensing, including Kinkade prints, mugs, cards, screensavers, Bible covers, wallpaper and Barcaloungers, and—in a most frightening Stepford/Levittown fashion—there are plans for an entire Kinkade Village in Vallejo, California. Just think, you could live in a Kinkade painting! (Which is really, really scary.)"

Then there's that winning personality of his. I've heard him talk, and even my parents thought he was pompous and smarmy. And he calls his kids "cottages."

"And so Thomas Kinkade The Businessman™ is probably a pretty calculating, repugnant person, and Thomas Kinkade The Individual™ appears to stand for everything with which I disagree, from the way he calls his paintings "silent messengers [of God’s values] in the home" to the fact that he gives motivational speeches "on behalf of the traditional family" and his contempt for the art world and modernism (witness the Dec. 4, 2000 Christianity Today story wherein he discusses the "corrosive effects of Modernism" and then goes on to make this horrendously ill-conceived statement: "Modernism in painting is responsible for South Park and gangsta rap") to his übercontrived just-folks persona. If I have to read one more time about how he wed his "childhood sweetheart" Nanette and how he tucks an "N" into each painting for her, I think I’m going to puke. Like all salesmen gunning for Middle American money, Kinkade makes sure to come across as an anti-elite, anti-intellectual, salt-of-the-earth kinda guy. You could go fishin’ with him. You could shoot some guns with him. You could vote Republican with him. The little ladies could do some shoppin’ while he takes you out back and shows you his new fishing rod/power saw/palm pilot. He compares himself to Tom Sawyer. A really rich, yuppie Tom Sawyer. He’s good people, Thomas Kinkade is, preferring the simple warmth of the Lord and family values to all that highfalutin, airy, intellectual shit."

Saturday, April 7, 2001
A pasted-together scriptline of Star Wars Episode II
Don't say I didn't warn you that this spoils a helluva lot.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Straights in Faces
Once upon a time, there was this premier gay club that everyone that was gay loved. And eventually, it was so loved that even straight people started coming to it and having a good time. Now, some gay people are pissed off about this and want them OUT of the club.

I found this amusing because some of my friends are these very same straight offenders, who often come along with their gay friends. I hunted up two of them, a gay male (who incidentally went there on a date last night) and straight female, and asked their opinions on this. The male's responses was "Hey, so long as the straight guys don't get offended if they're picked up on, who cares?" The female said that she likes to drink and dance and not get picked up on, and Faces fits the bill on this admirably (though she's not a fan of the co-ed doorless bathrooms).

Here's more of her thoughts on the subject, which I'm quoting from Usenet and hence no link: "They only quoted one guy who has a problem with it, but the article implied that many gay patrons feel similarly.
As a straight woman who goes to Faces, I felt like that guy's hatred was directed at me. What am I doing in a "gay" bar? Dancing and drinking, that's what. I'm not there to judge, gawk, or otherwise spoil the fun of other patrons.
Frequently, I'm there hanging out with my gay, bi-, undecided, and straight friends. It's one of the few places that we can all feel comfortable going to. Well, at least I felt comfortable going there until now.
I'm left wondering if the gay guy in the article is really representative of other gay people who go to Faces. I don't think of Faces as a place where only gay people can go to "be themselves", but where any people can go to be themselves.
The article seemed to imply that there are two kinds of people in the world: gay and straight. I see it more as a continuum. Maybe there should be a test at the door where the bouncer asks a series of questions to potential patrons to see if they're gay enough to enter, eh?"

My response to her post was along these lines: I just don't get why there'd be objections to straight women in a gay bar. I can see why there would be more objections to straight men, since in a way that could be considered false advertising, and nobody wants to deal with the guy who freaks when he's asked out. I recall some column done awhile ago (by Dan Savage? I can't find it for anything though) about straight women complaining that when they were in gay bars to avoid being hit on, straight men would show up and hit on them. His comment was "They go where the hot straight chicks are, so you're stuck." But while looking for the aforementioned missing column, I did find a ton of good links on the subject:

For straight men: "To address the main (and mainly unspoken) concern first: no, you will not get gang-fucked in the ass.
Might you get smiled/stared/winked at? Touched? Danced near? Yeah. But don't worry - it won't make you queer. It's not catching. Being gay is not like a cold, or cooties. Take it as flattery - you are attractive and others think so.
This still doesn't mean you're going to get gang-fucked.
That really pretty girl at the bar? The one with the flawless hair and make-up and perfect body and the beauty pageant dress? She's got a cock. Yup. And she's not doing it to fool you - it's just the way she is."

This is a more positive article than the last one, and I think I used to know the author of it years ago: " We are on a mission. We are testing a hypothesis: Do straight people really go to gay clubs to find available women? If not, then why? What is the draw for increasing numbers of straight folks to clubs designated as gay? In a kernel: We are going straight into fagland, like so many heteros before us.
I knew very few straight men who'd gone to gay clubs specifically to hit on the ladies, because, well, because the women there are most likely to be available.
Sara, who's been going to gay clubs for about two years now, says she's met several men this way. "I think if there's a straight man in a club, he will find you," Sara explains.
Dan (full name withheld), a straight programmer who lives in San Francisco, also finds available, straight women in gay clubs. "When my friends and I were at a gay club two or three weeks ago, this girl just comes up and sits on my lap," he says. "Gay clubs are better. Even my straight friends say so. The vibe is different. In a straight club, it's a meat market. It's not a cool atmosphere."
Approaching someone in a gay bar, if you're straight, is much easier than doing the same in a straight bar, according to Chris Eden, 26, a gay San Francisco resident, who goes out to gay clubs on a weekly basis. "It's a lot less loaded a situation if a woman comes up and talks to a gay man at a bar. If they're straight, maybe they'll hit it off."
'The majority of guys I meet in gay bars are gay. I'm not there to change anyone, that's for damn sure," Sara explains. Her initial attraction to gay clubs, in fact, was to escape the whole meat-market scene: "It's the fact that you don't have a lot of straight men who are horrendously trying to pick up on you," Sara says.
To put a finer point on it, straight men who go to gay bars are not going to be homophobic, uptight, macho, groping lechers.
"You have to be a cool guy if you're willing to go into a gay club," David says. "A lot of guys have this hang-up: 'All these guys are going to hit on me. All the girls are gay.' If they can't get rid of those, they won't enjoy themselves."
"Having a gay club is an oasis. You go there, and you're free to do whatever you want to. You're free to dance with your partner. That's why there are gay clubs, because you're trying to get away from straight clubs," David explains.
Randy says that in his experience, lesbians and lesbian clubs are among the least tolerant of straight visitors. In fact, they tend to shy away from most gay clubs as well, preferring lesbian nights at dance venues or all-women bars."

And this article shows well, the problem with that: "In its heyday as a gay bar, straight (and obviously nonhomophobic) men would go there to meet straight women trying to avoid the meat-market scene of many other clubs.
Norman Delise, a sweet-faced, blond security staffer at the new Club Ecco, occupying Mary's spot, remembers those days. "Straight women used to come in here to get away from the testosterone assholes. But then the guys [at straight clubs] would say, 'Where's all the women?'"
And yes, Delise says, the men eventually found their way to Hamburger Mary's.
And Delise thinks an overkill of heteros might have been exactly the reason Mary's slid out of business.
"Gay people want exclusivity, they don't want to be around breeders all the time," Delise says. "They want to go someplace where they can go up to anyguy and pick up on him."

This writer is against sexual orientation segregation: "Gay ghettoes are being created, in a reversal of every other campaign for freedom in history. Can you imagine a liberal advocating separate black and white bars? Or different streets for men and women?
At a purely social level, the gap is simply annoying: having a drink with a gay friend means alternating between 'one of your places' and 'one of my places'. The best you can hope for is a gay bar which tolerates straights, or vice versa."

This one, on the other hand, is leaning towards it. "It was at that point I abandon my theory and latched on to the theory of the danger of homosexuals losing their identity as more heterosexuals become accepting of our lifestyle. I'm not talking about the homogenizing of homosexuals into the het community, but the blending of the het and homo lifestyles to create a new society, one where straight men are comfortable enough with their sexuality to take their female companions to a gay bar to watch hot bodied studs in g-string wiggle their muscular butt cheeks at them, and even supply their women folk with dollar bills to tuck into those minuscule pouches.
Now I know I'm an advocate of gay rights, and I want a world where gay and straight people can live together in harmony, but it was disquieting to be confronted with it in such a manner. I do applaud the efforts of the straight men, none of whom were all that cute anyway, especially the one who's girlfriend made him go up and tip the dancer (he stuck the bill in the dancer's boot and scurried back to the safety of his fellow hets, blushing and looking around to see who was looking at him, before he kissed his girlfriend in a display usually seen only in porn films).
It wasn't the lack of cute men which was such a let down, really. No, I mean it! It was more of the sense of loss. I haven't been out all that long, and the world I envisioned for the future was one of me, my lover and his children from his previous life of heterosexual lies, a dog, a house, and a perfect life. Instead I'm now faced with not only having to guess which cute guys are gay, but also having to sort out the hets in a gay bar. I still think of gay bars as a bastion of homosexuality. If the hets are going to start frequenting gay bars, well, I might as well start hanging out at the neighborhood bar with all the local hets playing darts and watching Nick At Night, or ESPN.
Okay, so I'm one of those gay guys who wants my cake and to eat it too. I want the total acceptance of the het community, but I also want my own little haven where homosexuals can gather to socialize, cruise one another with the freedom to make a pass and not have to worry about some het woman taking him away. On the other hand, the challenge of taking a so-called het male from his protective female and giving him a walk on the wild side is one I'm sure I can more than meet."

And finally, the question came up in a forum: "I'm a heterosexual who likes to go to a gay bar occasionally. Is that disrespectful of homosexual people's desire to have a place of their own? Are there things I should or shouldn't be doing?
If you have friends at the bar and you enjoy being there, don't worry. Being gay is not an exclusive little social club. Anyone can go to a gay bar. No one inside really cares, as long as you are there to have fun - not to persecute or "look at the queers." (straight woman)
Writing as someone decidedly not straight, I'd like to say thanks for coming out to gay bars on occasion. Whenever I meet a straight person who can go to a gay place and have fun, not be freaked out, I feel really happy. I don't want to act like I'm a freak; I want people to treat the places I like just like they're part of the world. I mean, I can go to straight places and have a good time, so why not the other way around? The only time it isn't fun is when the straight person is there to stare, to stand there and look at people like they're animals in a zoo, or stand there and make insults, or fight people, or whatever. If you're just going to have a good time, then just keep right on doing it!
I am a bisexual woman married to a gay man, and we frequent the one gay bar in our state often. We have met quite a few straight people there, and no one seems to resent them. The one thing I would say is that some heterosexuals say they would be "freaked" or offended if a homosexual "hit on them." Please don't be offended. Sometimes you really can't tell if someone is gay or not, and if you are in a gay bar, the assumption is that you are gay. Just tell the person you are straight, and there is no problem at all.
You've got every right to go into a gay bar, but as a gay man, I have to say I'd rather you didn't. Not unless you're there with a queer friend. Straight people have a billion bars to go to; we often want to go to a gay bar just as a break from straight hegemony. I'll even go farther and say I don't much resent a straight woman being there, because I think straight women and gay people share a frequent desire to be away from straight men. Maybe there should be straight women bars?" (gay male)

Saturday, April 7, 2001
O versus Rosie
Oh dear lord, am I sick of Oprah. You have no idea. I liked her, but then she HAD to start the whole "Change Your Life TV" thing, and now you can't watch the show without feeling guilty that you don't want to do an entire physical and mental makeover of yourself. I hate that she shovels these jerks like John Gray (who I hate like poison for the entire cave/rubber band shit) onto the show time and again spouting annoying pulpy advice, and I hate how she's rounding up the entire damn world via TV and magazine to enlist in her crusade. I hate how my mother has become her damn disciple and I can't have a phone conversation with her mentioning anything without her going "You should really watch Oprah." It's gotten to the point where I throw loud screaming fits when she starts that sentence. I just don't like her attitude much any more. And the whole weight thing, my god. You're the richest woman around, you've got a longterm "fiance", everyone worships you, so why the hell are you still freaking out about your weight and everyone else's and forcing your issues onto the rest of the world? Pamie sums up the whole problem here:

"But yesterday Oprah had this girl from her office on the show, and she was telling us how she had a Fat Intervention for poor Lisa in Accounts Receivable or whatever, and poor Lisa basically had to lose a hundred pounds to not lose her job.
Oprah's bragging about how none of Lisa's friends wanted to tell her that she was too fat, so she did it herself.
And Lisa's sitting there and you can tell she's like, "Well, Oprah, I was really surprised when you asked me to join your Spa Group. I mean, at first you were like, 'All us fatties gonna have some fun!' and then I realized that you were doing this just for me. Then I realized how much was at stake. I mean, I don't want to lose my job, you know? And everyone was like, 'We're so sorry you're fat, Lisa. It makes Oprah angry.' And so I didn't eat much and ran a lot and then entered the Chicago Marathon, which I had to do better than the rest of us so you didn't fire me and I lost lots of weight so you didn't fire me. So, uh, thanks for telling everyone in the office that you're biggest problem was my fat ass, because now I'm totally afraid to eat. Go me. Oh, and I got a date, so you're right, Oprah. You do improve lives. I mean, he didn't pay for anything and turned out to be an asshole but at least someone cared about me. Like you care, Oprah. Thanks for not firing me. And I started going to a doctor about my acne so I'll get that promotion next month."

That rant completed, the above link gives me hope that the new Rosie will be much more fun.
"Page 36, slugged ''Kidding Around,'' is more anti-Oprah: thought-provoking quotes from great thinkers, followed by snarky responses from Rosie. So while O has a page this month that quotes poet Rainer Maria Rilke on how to ''live the questions'' that are ''unresolved in your heart,'' Rosie quotes Euripides -- ''Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom'' -- and offers this rejoinder: ''Whether or not it's deserved.'')
Oprah's got her shit together, and she wants to show you how to get your shit together too -- but Rosie's all neurotic and fussy, and she's more than happy to gab with you about what's bugging her. Oprah had strawberry recipes in her debut issue, and so does Rosie, but Rosie's recipes are accompanied by this big-type quote: ''Who knew fruit could be so enjoyable? Certainly not me. Here are four delightful recipes for strawberry something-or-others. I am told they are fabulous. I wouldn't know. I don't eat fruit in my dessert.'' Bwahahahahahah!!!!!! You rock, girl.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
The Evil Overlord List
* "My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
* I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
* When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
* After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
* One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
* The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
* I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
* I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
* All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
* I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
* If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
* My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
* I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
* I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
* If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
* All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility."

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. (I have no idea why, but fine, whatever)

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Sci-fi movie stereotypes
"* You have ray guns, killer robots, mind control devices & space battleships, but the Hero always beats the Villian in the last scene by winning a sword fight.
* everybody speaks English or can be easily be translated to English, even aliens.
* It seems that women's breasts will be larger and less beset by gravity in the future, and the clothing will be quite form-fitting so as to show them off. The Bulletproof Nudity Law is also in effect in the future it seems (ie the less clothes you wear the less you're likely to get hurt).
* No great literature or cinema is ever produced after the late 20th Century. Ten thousand years from now, people are still watching Humphrey Bogart movies and quoting Shakespeare.
* The women on Venus are always desperately in need of men, haven't had any men around since God-knows-how-long, yet there seem to be plenty of Venusian women. They're all Caucasian and show no signs of lesbian tendencies.
* A tendency to, without much context, mention the ancient days of 19?? (coincidentally, just about the year the movie was released). Speaking of which, slang is taboo in the future, or else it's along the lines of "As they used to say in the 20th century, 'Right on, man.'"
* Humans can interbreed with creatures who evolved on an entirely different star system and have a completely different style of reproduction, yet experiments conducted by lonely farm boys on local sheep from the same evolutionary cradle have produced nil results.
* The civilization's queen is the most beautiful and usually the most intelligent member of the community, but inevitably falls for the earth commander five minutes after they meet.
* Despite the rigorous screening procedures and training that astronauts undergo, every crew contains either a hothead, a coward or a traitor.
* Evil guards' body armor will be entirely useless, especially against small furry Ewoks throwing rocks.
* At least in Trek, it's a poorly kept secret that not only can the holodecks or holosuites be used for porn, but for interactive porn. It's pretty clear in Voyager that Janeway may be hosing an Irish hologram from the Fair Haven holoprogram. I'd attribute this quote if I could remember who said it: "Trek holodecks should probably have a drain at the bottom."
* Time travelers always fit in perfectly with the era they're visiting. If 21st century folks went back in time to ancient Rome, they'd stick out as being noticeably taller and conspicuously healthy, i.e., no missing teeth
* A race of aliens from the planet Hypocritus 4 - You know, the ones who threaten to destroy the entire Earth if we don't stop our violent ways.
* The rule of three, as a comedian once said. In any list of famous people recited by people in the future, two will be from our own past and the third will be from our "future" as in "Yes, he's worse than any of the conquerers of the past: Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, or Krylol of Rigel 4."

Saturday, April 7, 2001
How are labyrinths created?

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Welcome back, Mark Morford!
While I don’t remember his infamous column too well (not out of character, not quite that bad from what I recall), I’m glad to be getting the Fix and its odd links in my box again. I’m sad for him that the column’s been pulled to twice a week for babysitting (the same fate nearly hit the school paper last year), but I think I’m going to like what he’s doing with the empty space the other three days.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
The crookedness of the Academy of Art College
This was a school that was pushing for me for quite awhile and which my mother liked. I wasn’t too in favor of it (no real clothing department, and I’d hate to live in SF), and now boy am I glad I didn’t go. I can’t believe the president forgets who she fires and the teachers are so unreliable they have a spy to go check on them. What a waste of money!

Saturday, April 7, 2001
At some point, I want to write about art cars.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Ender's Game: The Short Story
Ender's Game is one of those books I'm always intending to getting around to reading and never do. On the one hand, I've heard it's excellent and it's my ex-roommate's favorite book, which she's read so much she won a contest about it (and well, runs a MOO). On the other hand, I hate military stuff. Dilemmas, dilemmas. But now I can say I've read the short story version, at least.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
I had no idea I was...
the Captain of the Federation ship USS Kurov (how cool!) or the Chief Flong Flogger. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Deconstructing the fake encore
"The fake encore has a history that stretches back to the early 1970s, when rock bands first realized the audience would always demand an encore no matter how crappy the show. So why not plan for it? Instead of playing for two hours, why not play for 90 minutes and do a 30-minute encore?"

No wonder I don't like going to concerts much. It's all so damn fake.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
In the unlikely event that I ever marry, I gotta find a kook like this to do it:
My ex has offered to do the honors should that day ever arise, but can he give premarital counseling like this?

"Sometimes I show them a cartoon of a marriage ceremony featuring a couple standing before a minister. The bride looks ecstatic and the groom looks appalled as the priest intones: "And do you, Donald, promise to make love to no one except Lydia, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, until you are dead?" If they both laugh, I proceed. If neither laughs, I proceed. But, if one laughs while the other remains silent, I am compelled to share my "flying, winged monkey" theory with them.
I begin by comparing the virtues of fidelity and a lifelong union with the type of people who absolutely love the movie The Wizard of Oz. They are delighted with the original movie, and all the subsequent permutations.
As they age, their devotion to Oz grows deeper and stronger each time they watch it. They always perceive something new and exciting and yet are comforted by the familiarity of each subsequent viewing. They are content to watch this one movie forever. Are you with me thus far?
"OK. Now, do you two lovebirds recall the scene which features the witch and her cadre of winged, flying monkeys? OK. Well, every relationship has its own winged, flying monkeys. If you cannot handle the occasional airborne simian, you'll have trouble with a lifelong marriage. If you love the 'movie' and can handle the 'monkeys,' then you have a chance at lifelong marital bliss. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?"
At this point they usually glance at one another, check out the nearest exit, and look puzzled.
"Let me clarify my theory," I say. "The very first time I saw The Wizard of Oz, I was so terrified by the winged, flying monkeys that I fled from the theater. Since then I have tried to watch the movie several times. When the winged, flying monkeys appear, I depart. I have never seen that movie through to the end. I still don't know how the story turns out. I don't care what happened to the girl and that dog. For me, the movie ends when the winged, flying monkeys appear. If you can't get past the monkeys, you shouldn't plan on marriage."
This theory is generally not helpful to the couple but it does soothe me."

Saturday, April 7, 2001
"She's on the beach dancing around like a dork with a towel over her head"
I HATED that TV version of South Pacific. Talk about some of the worst casting I've seen in ages. Worst mistake being Glenn Close, who I'm estimating from this bio is over fifty at least (the bio also claims she can sing, to which I say "Bullfuckingshit"), cast as Nellie, who is supposed to be young, between 18-27 years old. Casting someone older, particularly MUCH OLDER (and all that sunlight on GC points out every wrinkle and overly blushed blusher. I couldn't even believe her as a woman in her late 40's for this), completely throws off the plot of the damn play. Nellie is supposed to be a fairly naive country girl bowled over by the older rich French dude, and there is no way someone in her fifties can pull off naive "cockeyed optimism" without looking utterly ridiculous, as GC does in the movie. No real fifty year old, even if she hasn't been anywhere but Arkansas and the South Pacific, would sing while capering around on her tippytoes in cutesy sneakers and an old lady swimsuit-romper thing on the beach. No Frigging Way. The woman looked like a complete fool, and the way-too-butch haircut combined with the kinda-mannish-yet-old-lady-like garments only made me think that Nellie was just trying to cover up her lesbianism. Someone should go grab the casting director for this show and shoot him or her. I'm sure you wanted a big name, but couldn't you have gotten ANYONE else for the part? There's tons of 20-30 something hotties out there who can sing and attract viewers. Was this GC's vanity production and I don't know about it?

Saturday, April 7, 2001
A list of reasons why Jerri sucked.
I'm still humming "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" And here's the post-Jerri ousting Survivor Galaxy of Fame.

Meanwhile, my main Survivor musings right now (besides "Please vote Amber off before the final four and I'll be happy with whoever wins") are on Colby's coral criminality. Salon made the point that anyone who breaks Australian law will be booted out of the game-- but what happens when they didn't discover until months after the game was played that he did that? Is it too late to confiscate his money, or will they let it go? And what if he won? (I think he did, actually.) Sadly, the link to this article has up and disappeared, but I found one with this quote, which I guess might get "the Colbster" off the hook: "If a decision is made to pursue a prosecution, it is more likely it will be the producers who will be prosecuted, not Donaldson who, said Austin, "had probably not been educated on how to behave in a World Heritage area."

Ended up finding some well-done links on the show at Themestream, such as this one on how to win the game. As well as overall analysis, there's tidbits like this: "Sue has noted in an interview that the best preparation is to "read lots of books on game-playing, civil wars, the fall of the Roman Empire—don't waste a lot of time on survival books." In the second series, Debb talked about how she read up on the very books Sue recommended against! We saw how long she lasted."

There's comentary on that Outback survival guide book, featuring some Burnett analysis from the first show and the players' roles, as well as how the current crew thought they were going to do.
"Amber said that while she appears to be sweet and innocent, we can expect to see her conniving side as the show progresses. She insisted she will not allow others to take advantage of her.
The description of Kel's plan begins by saying he planed to refuse to answer direct questions. Huh? Is that really any way to become a part of a group?
Colby is apparently not one for planning ahead, and said he would not have a strategy until he got into the game.
Mitchell seems like he would have been right at home in Pagong last year. He just wants to have fun! His "strategy" is to vote off the uncool people so they can keep the fun going as long as possible (which must be why he voted off the oh-so-uncool Kel). Yeah, Mitch, that'll win you the million bucks.
Tina was planning to kick off the mean and bossy people first. Unfortunately, she blew that right away by voting against soft-spoken Kel instead of loudmouth Jerri. She seems to also be taking a Mitchell-like path by saying the group can be a big party after they boot the nasty folks.
Jerri said she does not consider herself a conniving person. Well, guess what? Half of America does by now. She claimed, "I'm not the type of person that likes to step on other people or hurt other people's feelings." Yeah, right. We saw the smirk after you got poor Kel voted off. You sure seemed to be enjoying yourself. The psychologist seemed to get one right with Jerri by saying, "She will try to use people, her looks, openness, and niceness to manipulate her way to the end without being suspected of being strategic."
Kimmi said that she was coming to Survivor to "kick butt."
Michael sees himself as a leader, which is interesting because he keeps claiming that he doesn't want to lead."

There's also creepy details like these: "Perhaps the most stunning documents are the contracts that were required of all Survivor contestants and even their relatives. The first contract gives Survivor's producer and CBS the right to essentially the entire life story of every contestant. It even gives them the right to portray them "accurately or with such liberties and modifications as Producer determines necessary in its sole discretion."
Even the family members who submit material, such as home videos, must sign away all of their rights and agree to be portrayed however the producers want them to look."

And you gotta love some Survivor award moments: "MOST IRONIC FAILURE Amber -- Jerri's blindest follower -- who lost a challenge for Ogakor because she was unable to follow Jerri while blindfolded
MOST IN NEED OF A ''SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK'' LESSON ON THE FOOD CHAIN Jerri, for telling Keith that by dumping fish guts into the river, they're feeding the other fish, rendering Ogakor's bait moot
OLIVER STONE AWARD FOR LACK OF SUBTLETY Mark Burnett, for cutting from Jerri's evil backstabbing to shots of a wolf and a black widow spider. What, no cutaways to Snidely Whiplash twirling his moustache?
LEAST SELF-AWARE Jerri, for telling Colby, ''It's not like you're making a deal with the devil here!''

Saturday, April 7, 2001
The fun of having editors
Now I’m lucky, I’ve never had such trouble as both the interviewer and interviewee had here (my editors are fair, reasonable and intelligent!), but I’m linking this for all the folks out there who talked to a reporter and were brutally surprised: it’s not necessarily the reporter’s fault that you got slammed.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Ye gods, what the hell is this?
I read it, and I still don't believe it.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Bush stops giving press conferences ALREADY.
"You can't really blame Bush for fleeing from the press with his larynx between his legs. You see, reporters have this annoying habit of asking questions. And when you don't know the answers and don't want to know the answers and there's no way when you're standing up in front of all these people for Dick or Colin to give you the answers, it's just like that horrible day in sixth grade when you had to give a report on the Mayans and you hadn't done any of the reading and didn't even know who the Mayans were and Jimmy Burton was going to slip you a crib sheet but he was sick that day and Mr. Snider made you get up in front of everybody and you couldn't get out of it and you had to say something so you said the Mayans were the people who invented Mayannaise.
That was a really bad day. And when you're president, you shouldn't have to have days like that. Otherwise, what is the point of being president?"

Then again, maybe the lack of press conferences is a good thing?
"THIS MIGHT sound weird coming from a career journalist but, some days, I just can't take the news. I mean, literally, I can't tolerate it -- in any form. It's like some nasty- tasting medicine that you swallow by rote each day, but, once in awhile, you simply can't get it down. There's no predicting when the intolerance will hit, when I'll have to go on what a colleague calls "a news fast." Although, I have noticed that, ever since the U.S. Supreme Court put the Moron from Midland in the White House, I reach my saturation level a lot more frequently. Everyday, it's something else with him. The abomination du jour. I wake up and wonder: Who's getting screwed today? Women? Kids? The working poor? The environment? Unions? Folks with repetitive stress injuries?"

I’m liking the term President-Select Bush, albeit I'm not too sure what I think on the whole "who really won" thing. I keep reading opposite accounts of who won and I'm completely confused.

I didn't quite go so far as to put this on my site, but I was tempted.

"That a U.S. president could be the protagonist of a stupid sitcom could be shocking only to someone who has never seen a U.S. president." That's the unfavorable review of "That's My Bush!", and here's the favorable one, complete with really weird plot details.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Revisiting Cynthia Heimel
Back in my very first weblog entry a year ago, I looked up all of the links I could find on Cynthia Heimel, who I adore. For some reason I started hunting again a few weeks ago and found more of her work or stuff at least related to it. So I'm sharing the love with y'all, starting with the above-linked interview with her.

Her writing: Combover Congress, Creative Quotations, social intercourse, “When in doubt, act like Myrna Loy.”, horniness, and fantasy kills.

Her reviews: When Your Phone Doesn't Ring, It'll Be Me, Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Good-Bye, featuring a favorite column of mine (referred to in the weblog awhile back) on names for women, and A Girl’s Guide to Chaos.

Saturday, April 7, 2001
My column on etiquette lessons
can now be found here.