Attempted Insurgence

...where the wrongs of the world are attempted to be "righted" by one delusional girl....

In The Jungle...
© © © May 6, 2004 @ 05:03 p.m.

So, it's Thursday. There's an orchestra concert tonight at 7:30 (that's 7:45 for you wind players). We won't sound good because we haven't rehearsed much, and I doubt that people have practiced. What a way to end the year.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to being a naive child. Children take everything as it is - nothing is deeper than the ink of the page or the smile on someone's face. They don't know when someone's faking it, or when something's been said a thousand times. They're so comfortable in their skin (sometimes). I think I'm too much of a realist or something. Not always cynical and pessimistic...but just...I see reality.

An a cappella group came to Central today. Fourshadow. They were pretty good. They were a lot better than Ball in the House(a different group that came last year). I enjoyed their vocals and harmonies, despite the loudness of it all. They're a Minnesota group, so that's cool.

And that's that.

FREE RIDE, BABEE!
© © © Monday, May 3, 2004 @ 04:44 p.m.

I got a Mitchell scholarship! That means, if my calculations are correct, I've got a free ride to college! *dances*

there is a gut!
© © © April 28, 2004 @ 10:52 p.m.

wOOHOO! I got a 00 scholarship from Cell One! I rock! I rock! Now my tuition for next year is down to 00! Yea, babee! Yea, babee!!

Holy Bananas, bless this meal.
© © © April 23, 2004 @ 10:40 p.m.

Where to start? I've decided that I'm going to go to Minnesota-Morris next fall. I plan on majoring in art and English, but I'm not 100% sure. I'm leaning far away from the math and science area. It'll cost me about ooo to go there, and I liked the campus when I visited, so why not?

I bought a car too. A 2oo1 Hyundai Sonata (his name is Mozart ^___^). It's gray, it's a four-door, and it's MINE. I'm excited. Oh yeah. My first car!!!

I've been writing a lot lately. Nothing overly intelligent or daring, just stuff. I'm working on some short-short-short story episodes about a couple, the Simpletons (Edith and Bentley). They are a wacked out couple with a daughter named Eve. I've only written prototypes...and they're all right...so I'll have to see. Maybe this will spawn a novel idea (I haven't had one in ages).

In other news, my dog turned eight on 4/21 and my mom's birthday was on 4/20. I'm reading "My Name is Asher Lev" by Chaim Potok, and I LURV IT. A story about an artist - amazing. This little boy is gifted. But anyways, I have to go. The CD player is getting installed tomorrow!! XD

noche~

where's that arsenic poisoning when you need it? argh.
© © © April 15, 2004 @ 03:57 p.m.

I have a blood nose right now, so I can't do what I wanted to do, which was practice. *sigh*

This is the last time I will complain about this, because what is complaining going to do? Anyawys, someone stole my neckstrap out of my sax case, AND he/she/it/mother-fo stole my USED reed. Yes, somebody was desperate, no? That is really gross. It's low, it's stupid, it's dumb, it was a hellish thing to do...because when I find out...if I find out...anyways, I hope they get the herpes I don't have. Stupid MOTHER FO.

I was invited to a Mary Kay party today. I'm not a big fan, but I've got nothin' better to do. Hopefully, my bloody nose will clear up by then...

Have I mentioned how much I HATE group work? Yeah, two other nameless people and I presented today in English and I did 90% of the talking because their brains fell out of their butts at birth. Yeah, one of them was sick, but I guess being sick means you can't do ANYTHING. The other one was helping me for a while...but I think stage fright got a hold of her. Anyways, I stood up there, talked, stopped, looked at them, and when they had nothing to say, kept on talking and trailing off and made myself look like an idiot. THANK you my classmates, I salute you. I can't wait until someone bakes your ass in the spotlight because no one helped you out.

I'm angry, I should go. SO I will.

almost over, jack
© © © April 7, 2004 @ 10:59 p.m.

website update: four new pictures in the gallery!

I am finished with Operation Save the Jazz Music. I have completed cataloging all 600 + jazz charts in my box. I used up about three rolls of tape fixing the wreckage. Oy. Some of the rips and tears were brutal, but issall good. :D

I worked with Shay and Gene tonight. Gene got to go home early because it was rainy out...but Shay and I made out well on tips...so that was nice. We work together tomorrow night too. =]

I had some people over last night...it was all right. I remember now why I don't hang out with people much...but oh well.

Twosday is Twoday.
© © © April 6, 2004 @ 05:06 p.m.

Jessica Simpson's new acoustic version of her ever-so-popular single sucks butt. She sings all over the note spectrum, and rarely hits the ones she's supposed to in the song. Plus, she sounds like Tommy Pickles from "Rugrats" when she sings the words, "w-i-i-th yew." Actually, she sounds like an asthmatic Tommy Pickles the whole time...ha.

Anyways, I've been working a lot this week at the DQ. People are flowing in like crazy. It's really nice out today, so I suppose that's one reason why. Some morons drove up to the window in their ugly car and ordered like Drive-Thru. We were told never to serve them or any other reTURD who does that again. HAHA. Suckers. I think they were drunk too. I have no respect for drunk people.

So, menstruation sucks. A vital organ is ripping away from itself and spilling out. It's like shedding skin. And dude, what's up with it if it skips a month and there's no sex involved? What? Is the womb just cold and wants to keep its jacket on? Sickly weird. Sickly weird. Yeah, I bet you never think about that.

Some lady came to work today and said "I'd like two twist cones, one with crunchies on it." What she wanted me to mind-read was that there were two twist cones and one vanilla cone with crunchies. Of course, I was supposed to interpret that myself. She was a bit cranky, and I was too. So, we're square.

I don't like people who do everything that mommy says and people who believe everything that mommy says. F'ing babies.

My Spring Break is winding down. I'm in the middle of cataloging all of my jazz box music - all 600+ pieces of it. Hooray. I traded this up for going somewhere warm and sunny. Go me.

I think Gina is coming over to make some more rice, cheese, and bread hotdish tonight. YUM-o.

And Spring Break Begins
© © © April 4, 2004 @ 10:59 p.m.

Spring Break is here. I will spend it in Duluth, like always, but this time, I'll be working. At DQ.

I survived the UW Eau Claire Jazz Festival. We traveled by school bus because Minnesota Coaches apparently didn't recieve our order. It was okay though, because most of us got to have our own seat (thank GOD). I had a good time hanging around with Bobes, Emma, and Lucy. Good times. I had no idea that jazz music was so big over in Wisconsin. Every time somebody soloed, the crowd would go wild. And over here, people are like "oh...we're supposed to clap..?" The jazz over there is more avant garde and more..edgy and modern. The solos are wicked and noodly - not very lyrical. I didn't really like any of it, but the cheeseheads do. Our band didn't win anything, but I guess the experience was good....I guess.

I'm actually writing this whilest I soak in the bathtub - in my own filth. I don't care though, my cramps are killing me and my back hurts so bad I can hardly move...and I don't have any Midol. >_< *plunges to Hell* Yeah. It's not a good day.

I find myself lately...not wanting to socialize...period. Yeah, friends are cool and all, but I don't have much to do with mine. We hardly see each other outside of school, save Gina and Shay, who I see at work. I don't really do anything beyond that though...and it is strangely satisfying. I've picked up these new standards I think. I no longer look at people with the same glasses I did a few years back. Or maybe people have drastically changed. I think it's a combination of the two. I can't wait for college, but at the same time, it depresses me. There will be the same type of people EVERYWHERE I go. I can't bring myself to see the joyful light in life (and NO, I'm not referring to God). Basically, what I'm saying is, I sort of miss having close friends and hanging out ALL the time, and at the same time, I'm glad to be rid of it. I just want to graduate. =/

What do you do when your muse no longer pleases you? My ears are deaf to music.

P.S. You know the movie industry is going down the drain when they come out with movies entitled "Hellboy." Seriously. A red superdemon thingy who's working on the side of good...and the only name the execs could come up with was "hellboy." SAD. Where are our creative minds?!

FRIED (literally)
© © © March 31, 2004 @ 07:42 p.m.

Good golly, it's been a long time! I am FRIED from Pop Concert. Holy cow. The planning of the dance decorations, the making of the dance decorations, t-shirt designs, rehearsals, practicing, working for DQ, homework, finding my old piano roots for the Legends of the Fall piece...craziness! *falls over* I am glad Pop Concert is over, and as of right now, I have no regrets and I won't be missing it. I won't be missing much of anything right now. High School can kiss off.

My parents came back from their cruise in one piece. They went jewelry crazy and bought a couple rocks for themselves. My mom now has a new HUGE wedding ring, topped off with a nice sparkler, and my dad bought himself a Caribbean Rainbow jewel thingy. They are both huge. (And in case you were wondering, I am not the new owner of a rock.) They had fun, as far as I can tell. The room service was great, the weather was nice, the food was abundant and delicious, and the nightly shows were fun. I think my future honey buns and I will go on a cruise down to the Caribbean. It sounds like fun. PLUS, Johnny was sort of there...*sigh* <3<3<3

There is a pineapple pinata hanging in my room. Yay me! =D

Yeah, so there was a debate today about same sex marriages. A few people and I were addressing the issue outside of the debate and we turned into assholes. I hate debates. And I hate subjects like that. There is no exact right and no exact wrong. People should be able to get their opinions out, but not be killed for them. But anyways, I didn't end up going to the debate - I see enough bloodshed on TV.

Do you realize how monotonous and boring and depressing life can be? I don't understand how some people can be so happy-go-lucky-positive. The same thing every day. The same old, same old. Same people. Same activities. Same. I'm bored of it, but it just pisses me off. Life is this way, and there's nothing I can do about it. VERY depressing. People are the way they are, and there's always going to be a jerk wherever I go. There's always going to be a priss where I go. there's always going to be the backstabber. DEPRESSING. Right now, the Maine idea is REALLY sounding good. My dogs won't judge me.

signing off...

Alone on a Friday Eve
© © © March 19, 2004 @ 07:37 p.m.

WEBSITE UDPATE: 1 new picture in the gallery

I got accepted to Macalester College down in St. Paul! I'm so excited. It's not really my first choice ( I don't even know if I have a 'first' choice anymore ), but I've been told that Mac is a bit choosier than most private colleges...so I'm happy that I could make it. =D (take that HUNT COMMITTEE!). Yeah, so Matt got in too. :) So, if we both go there, we're know somebody...

On a different topic, I'm having mixed emotions right now. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. If I laugh too hard, then I start crying, and if I start crying, I start to laugh. I was watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and ended up balling and laughing at the same time. I've been thinking about some stuff that's going on, and it just rips my heart out. Stuff happens so close to home...and you can almost empathize...but not totally - that's how close. It's like your heart says you've felt it before, but your logic says no, because you haven't. I'm just really sad right now, but I can't go into detail. The only person I can talk to about this won't talk about it...so, I'll just have to wait and see.

My Ethical Will - AKA - English assignment
© © © March 16, 2004 @ 10:53 p.m.

These are my words of advice from my meager years here on earth. I am still a naïve child, although my eighteen-year-life span and fourteen years of schooling may say otherwise. I will not force my morals down your throat, like certain religions, but know that I have kept these morals, and I have survived. Know that I am not at the top of the social scale, and never have been, but I am one of the few content “losers.” I have lived thus far with certain high expectations and values of life. I am just as content as the next person, humongous ex-boyfriend list or not.

The youth should not defile themselves while trying to be adults. Youth is for living, not making unwanted children or ruining the little life you possess. Do not give into Britney Spears or Playboy, just because “everyone else is doing it.” A boy doesn’t need to have a girlfriend all the time, and a girl doesn’t need to have a boyfriend all the time. If you can’t survive without a significant other, then you have security issues, or huge self-image problems. Do not make babies with the girl of your dreams. She is most likely the weekly girl of your dreams. It is a temporary high, and you will not be happy when Syphilis whispers in your ear, or when a baby cries from your room. And what will you tell your future spouse? Will he/she want you, the used rag? The Drink should not rule our lives. Alcohol only causes you to become incoherent and make mistakes while in a senseless stupor, and it is illegal. Not remembering what you did on the weekend is not a worthy trait. Why try to grow up so fast? We do not have the experience or the strong soul yet to fight through the emotional problems of adulthood.

Do not trust people who are always uplifting and positive; people who have a “life is wonderful!” comment to combat against everything bad. They are frauds, or they are on medication. These people will only annoy you until you become so full of negative energy, which results in you wanting to kill to rid the earth of them. “Don’t look at how far we have to go, look at how far we’ve come” doesn’t belong in a person’s mouth; it belongs in an inspirational therapy book.

People should not spend so much time worrying about what everyone else thinks. Yes, pay attention to what your parents have to say, yes, pay attention to what your friends have to say, yes, pay attention to what your elders may have to say, but you do not need to live by their words. Do not let other people rule your life and make your decisions. If you do not want to go somewhere, express yourself. If you do not want to wear that hideous Easter outfit, then don’t. Of course, don’t take this idea and beat it to death (like becoming a potty-mouthed nudist at a Catholic school). Be yourself, within reason. You decide what “within reason” means. But do not live for your mother; do not live for your peers, because if you do, that is not living. And be happy with yourself. If you have mousy brown hair, then make it work. Don’t resort to hair dye; it is a temporary mask which, after continual use, makes your hair look like dried weeds. And even then, the dye doesn’t take to your dried out hair, leaving you with hair that looks like an artist’s palette fell on your head.

Apply yourself. You must do something to get something out of life. If you don’t try to have fun, if you don’t try to acquaint yourself with others, if you don’t try to find something you enjoy doing, then you aren’t living. Become a book worm, if eating words is your passion. It will open your imagination and take you to exotic places. Become a NASCAR racer, if you like speed, danger, and driving in ovals. Apply yourself at school, if you want to advance to higher education and get numerous degrees. Life is only fun and enjoyable if you have something to do that is entertaining. If you slack off and sit on the couch all day, you become sour and bored. Complaints may be the only things that come out of your mouth, and people don’t like to be around complainers. Find a muse or a hobby, because a happy life will not fall into your lap, you must seek it out.

So, this is my soap box of my four simple rules to live by. They are not profound or difficult to follow. I follow them as best as I can each day. But, I want the world to know how a society-categorical “loser” gets by in life and survives among wreckage.

Hard Eve's Work...NOT
© © © March 15, 2004 @ 10:09 p.m.

Did I mention that my parents are gone for this week? Yes, they went on a Cruise to JOHNNY'S Caribbean, the lucky farts. BUT, the house is mine. And, because I'm that social loser, I'm not having any parties. Or get-togethers. Or sleepovers. I am already prepared to live my anti-social single life (how sad IS that?). I enjoy coming home late at night, after serving soft-serve, to a lazily happy dog that wags his tail, and a radio going in the kitchen. Three Doors Down is taking down my house tonight.

So, I worked with Shay tonight (whom I love to work with). We have good times, as we did tonight. The customers' demeanors were fair, and the pace was steady, so I guess it was nice. We made .10 in tips, which is really good, considering we only had 1oo or so customers, and it's the middle of March. Rock on. I don't work until Saturday...so you should hold off on getting ice cream until then. :)

The world is crumbling around me...and I have to read my Ferlinghetti book..

it's the cherry coke talking, luv
© © © March 14, 2004 @ 04:40 p.m.

WEBPAGE UPDATE: the Gallery has a new look...but no new art. XD (sad)

This weekend is coming to a close...rather slowly. I've been home, alone, all day long and I feel extremely lethargic and slovenly. I've watched two and a half movies today and typed up five sixths of my poetry paper for tomorrow. I've gotten gas at Conoco (don't go to SA anymore...) and stopped at Shopko to get some "stuff." I guess I'm so bored because i was running all over yesterday. Strange.

Speaking of yesterday, Erin, Jeff, and I went to see "Secret Window" with Johnny Depp. EH, I give it a 3/5 stars. I liked it because Johnny Depp was in it, and there was a cute dog named Chico in it. It was only scary at times because those crazy violins went forte at the surprising parts. (You all know them, when the guy grabs the blanket off of the mysterious covered pile or when the door is about to be opened, crap like that) It turned out to be a stupid psycological thriller. Don't go see it until it's rentable...because it really wasn't that great. =/ The plot was so-so...and the murderous scenes weren't even that great.

I am slowly becoming a lover of poetry. I used to hate it...but now...I kinda like it. I enjoy writing it mostly. New goal of the week: get a poetry book published. Would you buy it? =D

the Goddit of Urt
© © © Wednesday, March 10, 2004 @ 05:23 pm

The week is speeding by before my very eyes! Holy cow, it's already Wednesday. I've barely been able to roll out of bed and the week is over. Imagine that. Anyway, I don't even recollect what happened on Monday. My anxiety and pissed-off mood from Tuesday clouded anything before that. I was looking forward to not having to go to school, and then Benson spits a three-hour AP English session in our faces. Real nice. I do like English, but I can't stand some of the people in that class. They're annoying and hypocritical, and...yes, humans. I don't understand. Which seques into my next thought of the moment: My first realization that people aren't as "good" as they seem when I met the redhead secretary lady that works at school. She was so crabby all the time, and to this day, I still don't like being around her. She looks tired, she acts tired, and it seems like the whoever is talking to her is the last person she wants to talk to. Yeahp.

Solo/ensemble is on Saturday...but Maygen and I were asked to play on Friday for Anoka. We played for Leibs after school today, and he thought we sounded good enough to play on Friday. That will be nerve-racking...but eh, what can ya do? It's good practice for Saturday.

I think it's interesting how people who don't seem to have the slightest interest in you decide to one day...funny.

I'm going to see the Passion movie tonight with my parents...I dunno how that's gonna turn out...Hmm...I am looking forward to it. I want to see how well Mr. Gibson did. Supposedly, a classmate of mine says that the movie is touching "on a personal level." I don't really think so, but I haven't seen the movie yet.

Eat this poem:

she loved to look at flowers
smell fruit
And the leaves had the look of loving

But halfass drunken sailors
staggered thru her sleep
scattering semen
over the virgin landscape

At a certain age
her heart put about
searching the lost shores

And heard the green birds singing
from the other side of silence

- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I like that poem. =3

Pirate-mania
© © © March 7, 2004 @ 11:06 p.m.

I watched PoTC for the tenth time tonight. My parents and my aunt and uncle are going on a Caribbean cruise for a week on Friday...so we had a get-together to celebrate them leaving (yeah, I don't get it either). So, we had some "Caribbean" food (chocolate-covered strawberries...?) and watched PoTC. It's a great movie, but I've had my fill of it for a while now. =/ At least I got the Pop Concert tee design done now. All it needs is color...

Wouldn't it be boring if I only wrote about what I did today? (i.e. i woke up today and ate...it was fun. then i went pee and took a nap. WHEE!) LoL. I like journals with a bit more substance. *sigh*

okie dokie...must go to bed now...I gotta work tomorrow night...so...if your car heater is working, come to DQ. :)

jazz in my booones
© © © March 6, 2004 @ 10:09 p.m.

Well, I was just at the best jazz concert of my audience career. Yes, the UMD Jazz 1 and Bobby Shew (an a-mazing trumpet player from LA). He was great. I sat in the front row, right below his bell, and wow, he got so high and so loud. My ears were ringing for a while afterward. AND, he's the first renowned music professional that I've seen that a) taps his foot to the music b) is down-to-earth friendly and has a sense of humor and c) crams his eyes shut (literally CRAMS) when he plays. It was a great concert. I got to listen to Mr. Peterson solo - and he sure got into the music. HE was bloated and going crazy! (We're stoics compared to these people!).

Yes, and I saw a pregnant man with a kicking baby (ask me sometime). But all in all, it was good. I thought the day was going to bomb, because it was almost twelve hours of jazz music (HIGH SCHOOL JAZZ *cringe*), but the evening concert lifted my spirits.

I think I'm going to burn some CDs for people. I was supposed to do these AGES ago...*sigh*

And yes, I feel better, but I think some people are undeserving warts. :) thank you.

P.S. TO LOCAL PEOPLE: the DQ is opening soon! i work on Monday at 5:00...

praise Mecca for the weekend
© © © March 5, 2004 @ 07:31 p.m.

Well, I feel better today. That Hunt rejection has added another steel layer to my soul. I don't know if it will make me stronger or more apathetic (remember, apathy is an art form - it takes many bumps in the road to make you indifferent). But yeah, life is unfair. And I'm not good enough. End of story.

I was going to start another online journal that wasn't a part of my pita. Greatestjournal.com is exactly like blurty and LJ, but GJ let's you upload your own images, which would be nice. My mind always goes blank when I have to write on those overly commercial journals. My feelings are easier expressed on this crappily-made journal. *sigh* HOME cooking. Speaking of which, there is a NEW layout on the main page (this one, dummy). Yeah, it's red n yellow and an over-contrasted picture by Waterhouse.

The UMD Jazz Festival is tomorrow. I am afraid of getting yelled at again. I have to stay all day tomorrow, too. I hope the Bobby Shew concert will be good. I wish that I could go to the symphony concert instead...again, life isn't fair.

Plans for the Maine beach are brewing...good-bye humanity.

I am depressed-bitter
© © © March 4, 2004 @ 11:02 p.m.

Shall I list all of my failures? I shall:
- didn't make Youth Symphony
- didn't make All State
- didn't get a Buntrock scholarship from St. Olaf (which was 10,000/yr)
- didn't maintain straight A status in HS
- didn't get a music scholarship from St. Olaf
- didn't get a Hunt scholarship

Yeah. What does someone have to do to get any sort of recognition from people that are handing out money for college? Apparently only being involved in activites that AREN'T sports or if your list only consists of a couple activites, you AREN'T good enough. Do these scholarship committees think that people with twenty different activities actually have TIME for all of these? Yeah right. What's wrong with devoting a good chunk of your life to one or two activites? Obviously a lot. Or maybe my essay just sucked.

And all of you positive "look on the bright side" people hiding behind rose-colored glasses can ignore this entry, because you wouldn't understand.

CRAP
© © © March 1, 2004 @ 08:52 p.m.

As an artist, I am really insulted right now. Go see Anna Nicole Smith's famed "works" that people are fussing over.

the last straw
© © © February 28, 2004 @ 10:17 p.m.

I’m tired of all of this.

I don’t want to see friends. I don’t want to see family. I don’t want to see people.

I want to be done with high school. I want to be done with college. I want to be done.

The beaches of Maine are calling me and I want to respond quicker than I can.

I don’t care about that crap. School functions can shove it. Boyfriends can shove it. Popularity can shove it. Dances can shove it. High school students IN GENERAL can shove it. I loathe all of this.

I want to be left alone in a place of beauty. But of course, that is not possible.

I cannot wait for the end of this Hell to arrive. Forget what I said about keeping in touch – there is no point.

I have a new beginning coming up…and I can’t wait for it.

So I’m an antisocial dork. I may be evil and crude and pathetic, but at least I’m not like them.

Flakes, fakes, and posers. I know what I am. They don’t.

I can finish on my own. I don't need anyone's pitiful hand. It all starts, but ends with hurt. My heart breaks around them.

redundant, whiny despair
© © © February 27, 2004 @ 08:50 p.m.

Just when I'm about to let everything go to Hell, someone like the Scary Guy comes along. *sigh* Life is so unfair, and disrespectful, and hypocritical, and rude, and mean, and uncaring. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of the band program. I'm sick of music (seriously, I'm ready to give specific people an ANAL WAKE UP CALL with my flute). I'm sick of people. I am going to move out to Maine and live on a remote beach in a remote beach house in a remote state of reclusiveness...all after college, of course. I will go to the local drug store to get stuff, and that will be that. My own Walden.

Other news, "Praise Chorus" by Jimmyearworld is a good song. The rest is history.

Drowning on the Beach
© © © February 23, 2004 @ 11:00 pm

I’ve lived near the ocean all of my life
waves and shells filled my voids and I sang a
love song to the sea foam of sorts

But now I am dry.
Took a sail over the drooling mouth of the world
swirling blues and monstrous demons from below
I see now

The fish eat each other brothers
Men hunt the black giants
Waves rip down toy ships
And the sun never says anything
only cool reflection on a mirror surface
no tears, only sighs to the belittling moon

I kiss my sandy beach and cry
the ocean deceived me

Who ever says poetry has to be literal? Not me. Yes, we all have our personal epiphanies and revelations.

my contacts are sucking to my eyes
© © © February 16, 2004 @ 09:33 p.m.

I HAVE A CREDIT CARD! *cha-ching*

Florida tomorrow. 4:30 AM departure. Hooray for me and my friends.

Must go, because I have to finish writing a scholarship essay...

St. Olaf can kiss my butt at the moment. Stupid elitests.

What's that, Sherlock?
© © © February 10, 2004 @ 04:51 p.m.

I can feel myself falling back into that old reclusive-wannabe state I was in during the fall of 'o3. Sad. That rushing feeling and anxiety of being in the room with other people. Terrible syndrom(e) it was. And it's creeping back. What's the point of talking though, if it only a)pisses people off, b) is pointless and stupid, or c) is unheard anyways ...?? Why not just listen and keep quiet, take things in, cook. Then there comes a day when an outburst is deserved. Let the scatterbrains talk all that they want...they're the only ones who want to, so they can hear their own voice.

The Music Contest is tomorrow. Load @ 7:15 AM and leave @ 7:30 AM, which means, get to school at 7:00 AM. Crazy nuts early. I'm not even awake at that time (usually). I don't know how we're going to do. Our songs sound okay, but they can always be better and cleaner. I hope to god in heaven and hell that we don't get reprimanded again...and of course, I'm the prudey little goodie-two-shoes that takes everything personally. Yeah, he yells at a specific someone, not me, and I go home feeling like shit. Why am I so...caring? Sorry, drifting off to 'me-land'...

Sweetheart is on Saturday. And I'm not going. I'm going shopping in the cities instead. Go me. I'm indifferent about the whole thing. If I liked someone enough, then maybe I'd want to go...but there are no ripe bananas this year, George. And the funny thing is, all of my friends were fired up to go, and now only a few have stuck with their plans. The rest are sexing Saturday night up with their boyfriends. Whadda memorale Valentine's Day. (SARCASMO ATTACK). Eh, I feel ishy just talking about this stuff.

Might I say that I LOVE Holst stuff. His suites are awesome, and I miss playing them for band. *sigh* Okay, I'm tired of ramblng.

Eat my grapes, Sherlock. ~

P.S. I feel a new layout (or two) coming on....this one is drab.

Telegram, Friend
© © © February 8, 2004 @ 06:04 p.m.

TPWE Concert was today. Stop.
Four new pictures in the gallery. Stop
Miscellaneous section is up and running. Stop.
Still unsettled in the bones. Stop.

@#$!% !!
© © © February 7, 2004 - later @ 08:32 p.m.

What's the point of having morals and values? No one else does. No one else holds any respect for them. People think you're a psycho, a freak, a prude. Forget it. I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself because it just doesn't matter. I'm no angel, but the world is a crumbling mess, and it upsets me. I'm a pathetic naive, do-gooder-wannabe. I don't know people as well as I thought, and I really want to cry. I guess I am the person that secrets should be kept from, seriously. I can't handle things, and I give off a goodie-two-shoes-vibe that people are afraid of. Don't tell Kristen, she'll be upset. Don't tell Kristen, she'll change her opinion of you. But it's true - I probably would. I'm not trying to be sarcastic or whiny about things being kept from me; I'm just sad that people do the things that they do.

I'm tired of justifying my feelings and trying to explain my thoughts. I don't understand things. I don't understand people. I'm a prude.

And you think I'm just pathetic too. You'd laugh in my face.

Saturday Hi-Jinks
© © © February 7, 2004 @ 12:40 p.m.

Just got back from Twin Ports Wind Ensemble rehearsal. There's a concert tomorrow at 3:00 PM. *cough* you should go if you live here *cough* Anyways, it's been interesting playing with a bunch of adult musicians. For one, they know their parts (well, most), second, they can sight read pretty dang good, thirdly, they talk too much when Dr. Whitlock is talking, and fourthly, there's this old percussionist named Glen (he's gotta be pushing 80), and he screws up frequently, but he's a cute old man. It's interesting to see the age differences and the variations in playing ability. But yeah.

Never trust the Queer Eye boys, they lie. CD's DON'T OPEN UP WHEN YOU SLIDE THEM ACROSS TABLE EDGES! Lying gay boys. *grrrrr*

Another thought, automatic doors are robbing our society of male manners! If men can't open the doors for women, then what is this world coming to?! Sheesh. Personally, I don't like when men hold the door open for me, I feel awkward. I say thanks, but I usually mumble it, and then he probably feels like I'm some ungrateful little wench, and yadda yadda yadda. Ah, manners were never in place in the first place. Boys are rude. Girls are mean.

I watched "Se7en" last night. The ending sucked. The altnernate endings sucked. Brad Pitt plays the role of a defensive moron of a cop that has a F-bomb complex. Really. I told Beccy that if we kept a tally of the F's, we woulda had LOTS. The gore wasn't even that gory. *sigh* I guess that's what comes with movies from the early-mid 90's. We have all that cool CG stuff now.

I have to go research the city of Valparaiso, Chile. So, I'm going. Chow~

Clear Promises Again, eh?
© © © February 4, 2004 @ 04:17 p.m.

Sorry to disappoint, but no new pictures as of late. As I have said before, check my DevAccount (link is above on the menu) for new stuff. I'll be posting new stuff soon...when I get to it. Anyways, the gallery is revamped. I separated stuff out into categories, like I ususally do (I seem to go through phases of chaos and organization...).

I deleted my LJ because I'm sick of keeping one. This is good enough for me. The main reason I had it was to get feedback and comments, and no one had anything to say, so I forfeited. Internet popularity is so superficial as it is.

*sigh* I didn't get a St. Olaf music scholarship, which was expected since A) I'm not majoring in music, B) There is an excessive amount of flutes in the world, and C) I suck. I'm not overly surprised or disappointed, just another notch in the belt of defeat. Hey, at least I did get accepted. There I go, rationalizing...

There is no time left. My clock is spinning and I'm trying to cram right now.

No more to say for now. Chao, darling(s) ~

© © © January 31, 2004 @ 02:32 a.m.

NEW FRONTPAGE LAYOUT!

I'm working on converting all of the pages, but right now, it's 2 AM, and I'm a bit tired. It would seem that I have some strange fetish with trees. LoL. The top picture is taken from an oekaki I drew, for Valentine's Day. You can see it at my DEVART page (click the link above). Shameless plugging, but whatever - MY WEBSITE!

There are some new oekaki, but not on this website. You'll have to go to my DEVART (plugged once again!). I think there's about...five new pieces there. Have a gander.

And did I plug my Livejournal yet?

© © © January 27, 2004 @ 06:13 p.m.

Three new oekaki in the gallery. Yeah, and a new layout is needed. BTW, I'm spending more time at my Deviantart site - (http://tomf00lery.deviantart.com) I also have a LJ now. I'm a nerd. =B

© © © January 21, 2004 @ 5:00 p.m.

I feel stoned, but my blood is pure.

It is a revelation when you realize that setting a standard does no good. You try (sometimes), but other people don't. What's the point?

Life just seems to be getting boring-er and boring-er. The same monotonous schedule Every Single Day. I can't wait to sleep.

Where have all the cowboys gone? Dropped from classes, I suppose. *sigh* Anyways...there's one new oekaki in the gallery. =/

© © © January 19, 2004 @ 04:24 p.m.

I see that I used an excessive amount of the word "so" in my previous entry. ehh. But anyways, the second semester has officially started. I will be done with hel-er, high school in about four and a quarter months, and I am glad (really).

So (there's that famous word), I was thinking about the academically ambitious. Yes, the nerds, the geeks, the smart kids, the 4.o's. Why does society give them the negative connotation? Don't be smart, be popular! That's the message nowadays. "She's All That" is on TV right now, and the whole plot is based around the popular boy turning a "nerd" into a popular girl. Stupid. People shouldn't have to change because a few of their shallow, insecure classmates think they're losers. Should their opinion even be valued? I think not. Just because someone likes to work for good grades, get A's on tests, and doesn't want to party all the time, doesn't mean he or she's a loser. I believe people call it "having goals?" Sound familiar? Yeah. It makes me mad when people think that the socially challenged valedictorian in the corner is a no-name dribble. Ha, he'll probably own us someday. Ha! Go him.

GRRR, Brinkster.com decided to use banners! *plots ways to kill off deadly server...*

Yeah, off to watching more of superficial Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cooke. She's a flake fake of a art "nerd." Psh. Pah.

© © © January 18, 2004 @ 10:24 p.m.

So, I rearranged my room (again). There's tons more room now, I don't know why I didn't keep it this way. The bed is under the window, for anyone who knows the anatomy of my room. Yeahp, yeahp. I spent Saturday doing it, because I have no life, and enjoy not having a life.

So, now Benson tells me that my college options aren't that great for what I wanna go into (art). I said 'okay' to him, but in my mind, I was having a tantrum. I'm tired of all these heart-attack-causing deadlines; they are evil. I'm supposed to look into Carlton. Why? Because it's a good school. Great academics. blah, blah, blah. I don't care right now. I want to get accepted, get some money to go, and do it. Fly. College sucks, and I'm not even in it.

So, Bobes drove her car into a snowbank, cuz some crazy old lady was swerving on the road - Bobes almost got hit. So, at least she had an exciting day. Me? I spent all day doing nothing. I got up at noon, and then did nothing. I worked on some NHS t-shirt posters..and, why am I even talking? Nevermind. You don't want to know about it anyways.

Oh yes, someone "came out" to me today. I was caught off-guard and uh...yeah. I'm a bit uneasy, but whatever. I'm supposed to play the role of the safety deposit box, instead of the billboard. Hooray.

And for those of you who read this far, there is ONE NEW picture in the gallery - an oekaki that I finished just ten minutes ago. The thing took ages. >_<

ta.

New Layout
© © © January 18, 2004 @ 1:00 a.m.

Bah, the voice called for change, once again. The layout was inspired by her. But of course, mine is note even half of hers. Anyways, there's a buncha new art up. I'm debating about the whole idea of thumbnails in the gallery...Um...webcamery is down and probably gone, because my webcam isn't hooked up. And I'm not ambitious enough to fix the problem. Also, the words section is finally running, updated, and complete! I uploaded a bunch of crap that I did in my creative writing class. Go me.

And a note for the general public, if you're not yourself, and don't even try to be, then you really suck. Ask god why you were born. Have a nice day.