happy birthday to me! (tmr)
in a few hours it will be my birthday! thanks val n winfred for the pot n gundam stuff, thanks caiyun for the shirt n pencils (haha u really shouldn't encourage my violent behaviour though), thanks zara for the lolly n thanks nicholas for the song/note.. really appreciated them. yup.. presents will prob be spread over the next few days coz my bdae happens to fall on a sunday n results happen to be on monday.

gifts. really, it's more of knowing that you have friends that care that matters. tt in itself is THE gift. coz pple give u stuff to make u happy.. coz they want u to be happy. but it's the thought of making u happy which is actually a gift on its own.

had entre camp.. made a few new friends and i'm glad. good to try new things i guess.. though i'm still much more comfortable with vball. vball is a happy sport. it makes one happy. i love the game! n i'm so used to being in a team. jiao lian says i have to work on my timing coz i supposedly have strength. i guess i'll start practising the footwork. i want to make significant improvement before next year so yup! no slacking even though i doubt i'll make the team this year!

i'm peeling badly. urgh.

results out on monday. lost the "freaked out"-ness i had a week ago but perhaps it'll come back on monday. guess i'm really curious to see how exactly i did coz i have absolutely no clue. i mean, it can't change no matter what right now, so all i can do is wait, right?

i want all my friends to do well. i want to do well too. of course. i mean, i'll prob not feel very good if i do well but my friends dun.. n neither will i feel good if i dun do well but the rest of the world did. ok this is quite duh.

i want to stay in 1s06a. i've grown attached to so many in the class already. it wasn't too good an idea to get attached to the pple, lest i dun stay. yet, i guess i'm glad i made these friends. u know who u r, coz i'd prob have told u some time or other before. yup.. so let's all hope we can continue being friends.. be better friends.. as we remain in this class together!

hmm.. ever felt annoyed at someone but then try not to because u dunno if u r just looking from ur own selfish pov? help me keep my temper in check.

i'll either have lunch with exclusive tmr or shu, char n wei. wei is included either way. haha. i think i wanna go holland v. dunno if they'd agree. coz i just wanna slack.

lala says there isn't such a thing as purely platonic good friends between a guy n a girl. i disagree. i dun see what's the diff between a guy n a girl friend. -shrug- anyway, i dun want things to change.

i think i'm becoming more n more serious as i grow older. haha maybe not about my work.. hehe.

i'm getting a cough.

i'm off.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
08:02 p.m.

happier.. thanks (:
am i supposed to know who "strawberry" is? haha, but whoever u r, yeah thanks. ok i just confirmed who "strawberry" is. dots.

hmm been a long while since i've seen u, eugenia (if u r even reading this).. i can't find ur blog anymore! u changed addie!! i shall attempt to look for it someday unless u would kindly leave a link? hehe.

i'm happier than i have been in the last few days. wonder why. haha.

i think i shall turn up for recre. dun think i will get into the team this year but i'm pretty fine with that. for now, i wanna train hard and do my best for next year.. coz it'll prob be the last year i'll get to play? yup.. so i'll just have fun for the time being (:

so sweet. felt choked up. until it broke. then i was quite sad, though it's stupid to be sad about such a thing.

huili says if there's any guy who make me cry in the negative way.. tell her n she will hit him till his mum, his dad n he himself can't recognize himself. haha. tts loyalty for u. thanks dear.. i appreciate it.

i shall go draw now.. i think.

oh. i miss vien. n many many more. shuwen.. where are u??
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
09:23 p.m.

it's like a dream
haven't blogged for very long.

i shall attempt to blog without revealing anything as always. it's scary how many pple tell me they read my blog.

it feels terrible when the only person who can know can't know coz he/she will be upset. coz that will leave me with only myself to know. to feel bad. sucks, really. why can't everything be kept simple?

felt so drained tt day. wasn't coz of that. it was before that. but tt just makes things worse. it's just that.. it suddenly seems that everything is so unreal. like a dream. what m i doing actually? ignoring everything but the happy times. trying to live in my own lalaland where all's just sweet n good. pushing all guilt away.. how long can i do tt before i regret it? how long can i pretend before reality sweeps me away? what m i doing actually..

i'm not as nice as pple think. really. i hope everyone will realise it soon.

hence, i feel tired. just really tired. was stoning through the whole of friday. i need to bring more pencils to school. i'm sorry if my mood affected anyone in any way. n thanks for caring.

i guess i'm sorry i made u all feel so guilty. u ought to be guilty, i guess. but for a diff reason. no need to feel guilty for "not being a good friend" because i know u care n tts all tt matters. i know u did. just tt u couldn't do much about it. but i'm fine with tt.

i hope u r feeling better. i hope u know i'm here. i hope i haven't let u down.

please believe tt i care.

pple should actually not read this blog unless they actually like reading sad stuff. because when i'm happy, i'll just continue being happy. it's only when i'm upset tt i feel the urge to blog. my life is obviously not so sad. n i'm not just trying to make a big fuss outta nothing.. just need an outlet to let it out.

been writing so many letters, yet i haven't even completed vien's. sorry, dear. will go blog though.

btw, xuhui is right.. i'm happy with the pple i hang out with in class. just so u all dun get the wrong idea.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
07:42 p.m.

cny
ok first day of cny. as usual, we went to singapore chinese chamber of commerce. and as usual, it was super boring. then went to pop's house. then went home to sleep. haha. joshua's family came. but i was sleeping so yeah. haha at least they left a red packet for me. what an exciting cny right? but it's almost the same every year anyway.

bunch of pple coming over tmr i think. popiah as usual, i expect. then friday i'm going to simin's house. would be quite fun i expect. saturday another few bunches of pple coming over. sigh. have to entertain pple at night i guess. every year it's the same.. few families get together at one of our houses. dads playing cards.. mums talking.. kids bored to tears. let's see if i remember the gang. siling (15), siying(18), lavinia(16), larissa(14), xiao yu(11?), natalie(9?).. all girls haha. my bro is planning to go his friend's house this year.

guess i'll try to get myself to study on sunday or something. need to catch up on econs. n need to actually start on chem. tests coming up. boo. n i have to find time to buy vday gifts. for vballers n a bunch others. need to figure out what to do about the class too.. coz i really doubt i wanna get the whole class stuff.. but i dun want any feelings hurt so i dunno.

ytd met a bunch of 410 pple yay. love 410 so much. ate at crystal jade kitchen. met up with emily n ili (or tyla n jacq) for the first time in a million years. happy. gave them treats to octopus balls as promised n paid for their mudpie at coffee club.. didn't plan to but i guess it's alright (: love them loads. my dongsaengs! n no, i'm not oppa! it's unnie! emily's piercing looks quite good, if i do say so myself. gotta buy her a cd called "lovedrug". my poor wallet cries but i guess it's ok since i owe her a prezzie for so freaking long. planning to go visit them sometime next week in fish n co. anyone wanna come with me? i just wish emily wouldn't ruin her health like tt. oh well.

went back home. bad thing to do. thanks again, dear. (dun even know if u will read this) yeah. sorry u had to be the one to listen/read my crap.. but only 2 others know i think n didn't think i could reach them then. one without a phone.. the other, well, it's a long story. yup, dun exactly broadcast it obviously, but u asked tt time.. so since u knew, yeah, i chose to msg u. sorry. anyway, i've decided u'll make a good friend. yet again, thanks.

sigh. n things at gong's side doesn't sound too good. i wonder if i'll see him again. i hope i will. think about how he loved me.. n now there's nothing i can do for him. i dun even know where he is. all these complications. bitter feelings. one mistake, n it leads to this. dun even know the entire story. dun feel tt it's important. right now, all i hope for him is peace. but they prob wun even give him tt. all the little things he have done for me.. everything i took for granted. sometimes he come over n i dun make an effort to talk much. but he always makes an effort to bring something for me.. most of the time food. he knows tt i dun dare to speak up much. so before i left for hk he said i should go see what i liked n tell him, so the next time he makes a trip there he'll buy it for me. was tt the last time i saw him? is it the last time i'll see him?

i dun wanna think about it. i love him. every little thing he ever did just so i'll be happy. bought jewelry for me coz he thinks i have too little. everytime i say i like to eat something, he will make an effort to get it the next time he came. told me he'll fetch me when i wanna go somewhere but afraid my parents wouldn't let me go. everything he ever did for me. jokes. all the "hi gongs!.. hi!" i can just start crying now.

sad.
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
09:09 p.m.

vball recre!
vball recre posters need to be up by tmr. apparently everyone needs to know the existence of vball recreation by erm.. next week. or something. so, everybody, volleyball recreation is on mondays, starting from 21/2, 4.15 to 6.30pm at the basketball courts! no experience is required.. yup! (:

anyway, i made a poster. the guy ic (darrell, whoever he is) didn't know deadline is tmr. -.- huili's hp is non-existent.. so i might call her later. weird, since i dun call her on her house phone very often. in fact, i think it only happened like.. twice? thrice? in my lifetime. bah.

haha talking to jilyn on msn now. (: boo wanted to go out with her tmr after school before pt but she has to do some stuff. bleagh.

what do i want for my bdae? i dunno... haha. too bad, wei, char n shu. u have to go find urself. but no more spastic books!!!

saw atiqah tt day. happy. i missed her a lot. one of those pple whom i'm not super close to but yet i like her a lot. coincidentally, i saw her 2 days in a row! oh n i saw biyi too.. haven't seen her in eons as well.

pt tmr. 9 rounds? horrible. but what will be worse is her dumb voice. oh well. i'll survive. just like i have every week. but it doesn't mean i have to like it.

jilyn n i are talking about cliques in the class. though she insists tt "clicks" look better. sheesh. it doesn't lor.. and anyway, it is wrong. haha. too bad.

oh i realise tt the library is a wonderful place to sleep in. on friday, shiting n i went there to study, supposedly. so i brought in my econs work.. hoping to actually start on my reading. yeah but i was msging pple lah. so i msged while shiting decided to sleep. 10 min later i decided to sleep. then some time later.. shiting woke up n woke me up. then i went back to sleep soon after. n then i woke up again with my arms numbed n all. then we realised she slept for 40 min n i slept for 45 min. so we decided to go for a walk. but after like.. 1 min.. she decided she was hungry so we left. in the end, i didn't even read a single word of my econs haha.

but anyway, i better read it by after cny coz there is gonna be a test. chem too. n i think i have to do like.. 2 questions from phy assignment later.. need to hand in tmr. i'm so guai hor? last time i wouldn't even feel obliged to do my work. but now will be quite extra if i dun do.. then sure get white slip. last time was fine coz the teacher will prob have to book millions of pple if they book for late/non-existent work. though in the rule book it says they will lah.

boo. few more days before vien leaves. better bring her present to school tmr to pass to deb.

talked to jia a little before pe tt day. happier. maybe i'll call her later.

ok i'm off.

i wonder if there's anything wrong with u. i dunno how to ask.
Sunday, February 6, 2005
04:56 p.m.

i don't like her, really.
why has it come to this? yes, it's my fault i know. sort of. i mean, if it weren't for u, it wouldn't have happened. but if it weren't for me, it wouldn't have mattered so much. confusing. so i try not to think. but how long can i last like tt? do u still care? do u care because u ought to? or do u honestly still care? n umay babbles on.

i don't like her. i really don't. thanks to everyone who were kind. tt means everyone but her. i like the team, honestly. it's encouraging. all but her.

16 pple got the cut. 12 will stay. i guess i'll just try my best. it's the only thing we can do. i feel bad. i'm sure she feels worse.

it's feels really weird.. really bad.. when u r relieved.. yet u feel guilty. bleagh.

my thumb hurts due to an interesting attempt at dropping ball. if ms chua were here she would have scolded me for poking the ball.

i take secret pleasure at seeing her miss the balls. especially when they are sent by me. i guess i'm evil to some extent. haha. but really, i don't like her. she obviously doesn't mean any of her encouragements. she shouldn't even be in a team sport. shut up. tt was what i wanted to scream. i guess the idea got through when i said, "ok ok fine! i run! don't care if my legs break!" n ran off with a cramped feet. n the chants of "i don't like her i don't like her i don't like her". seriously, i really don't like her.

loyalty is a good trait in friends. haha. you are worthy.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
11:09 p.m.

1s06a
hmm for some weird reason i can't sign in to msn. strange.

i wrote finish shuwen's letter.. got stamps.. yup. all i need to do now is actually post it :P be patient! i'm a busy little girl!

pe teachers are sadistic. saw youjin at ri today. think he is teaching pe.. not sure though. wonder if he is sadistic too. i wouldn't be surprised. tsk. but HAHA una said the homework we did for him only had 2 mistakes when everyone else supposedly had many many mistakes! i'm just a genius. admit it. (so una helped to do too but tts not the point)

having training tmr. wonder how it will be. i help i will play well.. aching a little due to 2 pe sessions in a row, but i guess tts no excuse? at least it isn't pt. pt is on mondays. i hate pt. but no choice lah.. i guess it does help. if i want to improve i guess i have to take it (like a man wahhaha). but sigh. simin says she is going to join netball instead. i'll miss having her around on the court n playing with her. i guess i will obviously get used to playing with another player.. have to be professional after all.. but it will obviously still not be the same. as many flaws as she has, she is a great friend, great team mate and great vballer. of course, i'll still be her friend (i hope), but sigh.

i'm starting to lose interest in studies. ok not exactly lose interest, but i dun pay attention much anymore. why am i not surprised?

ok i'm supposed to be really "nice" n "sweet". nice, perhaps i agree. sweet? compliments from melissa. but what exactly is sweet? -shudders- i dun exactly wanna be sweet. goodness. oh yeah n i'm supposed to be "really funny" too. apparently zan told lloyd that. -amused-

i feel guilty. melissa is really nice. honest. too bad her rep is like crap right now. but really, she is nice. i really shouldn't judge based on rumours. guilty once more. jilyn is nice too.. whiny, yes. but she seems genuinely nice n easy to talk to. n i seem to click with xuhui really well. shiting is nice to talk to too. wonder why i didn't talk to her much in sec 1 n 2. guess it's all coz of a lack of opportunity? each had our own cliques n all. thought huibin was quite dao but i realised i was wrong. she's really nice as well. glad they are in my class. haven't got to know many of the rest yet so oh well.

i need more time. yes, though sickly sweet pple dun take too well with me, unkindness is obviously not accepted easily by me either. my friends aren't the nicest pple around, but i dunno. it just isn't the same. she seems attention-seeking in a warped up way. it's less frank. i can't explain it. it didn't take too well with me. i got upset. which is just weird. i'm no saint myself, but these stuff makes me uncomfortable.

maybe i'm thinking too much.

the guys are nice so far. but it's still the same few i talk to. my fault, perhaps.

in all, i do like 1s06a. but tt doesn't mean i don't miss 410. the atmosphere is just different. 410 may be labelled "pai", "slack" or whatever, but i dunno. it's more relaxed. more accepting. i don't have to feel the need to try. of course, maybe it's because we have been together for 2 years. we may not know every individual inside out, we know each other as a class well. maybe things will get better. n to be honest, things are already going quite well, considering it's only the first few weeks. so i shan't complain. guess all i can do is hope things just get better n not worse.

i'm fine n everything. just wish everyone else were here with me.
Friday, January 28, 2005
07:59 p.m.

happy?
i realise it's not difficult to be happy. all i have to do is detach myself from unhappy thoughts. just ignore everything else. but i wonder how long can it be sustained.

yes, i do miss you. but i don't know if i want to do anything about it.

then there is the on-off thing at home. kinda scary.

gongs too. hope he is alright. please.

i need to buy lotsa stuff. i hope i have enough money. farewell gift, bdae gifts, vday gifts. many many. n march is coming. march is a scary month. zillions of bdaes.

speaking of which, my bdae is coming! yay!

i need to buy stamps.. but i dunno where is the most convenient place. wonder if j8 sells stamps.

pt tomorrow. -faints-
Sunday, January 23, 2005
10:20 p.m.

rjc
orientation is long over.. it was fine lah. brisco has nice pple. my class is fine too. s06a. haha. though some girl in my class is gonna have a hard time unless she changes her ways. of course, i think her rep is far too bad already. only a couple of weeks and it's already like tt. it's either we are super mean or she's super horrible. -shrug- personally, she is not exactly evil to me or anyone else i can see yet. but it's how she behaves. oh well.

rgs rings on ur necks, everyone!

next week: monday weights tuesday clinic wednesday training thursday trials AND pe friday pe saturday training. i'm worried i'm not gonna get any exercise! yeah right. save me.

i haven't done my tutorials either. did like.. 5 questions of math. it's really freaky how rj pple did them almost as soon as they receive them. i will try to do my homework this year, which is a great improvement, but somehow, in comparison with the rest, it's like a big, absolute DUH. i don't understand how can pple be so freaky. i guess i'm spoilt in 410's environment. haha.

hmm.. i do find econs interesting though. despite the teacher cracking ridiculous jokes during lecture. i actually continued reading my notes while she went on and on about econs jokes. which weren't in the least bit funny. are you proud of me? of course, simin has already started on her econs tutorials.. which is scary. so i shan't compare with her.

it's so difficult to meet up with everyone. so sad.

the class is nice, the og is nice. but i'm not always at ease, i guess. maybe these things take time. ok, obviously they do. but all in all, i guess it's quite a good start so far.

went back to rg on friday. i miss rg. the security guard even let us enter without signing in. we belong, after all.

actually, though i sound a tad bit unhappy, i'm actually quite happy in rj. but it's just as when i was in rg i wanted to be in nyps. n now i want to be in rg when i'm in rj. but we have to grow up.. haha. n i'll be really sad if i get kicked outta rj after 3 mths. (though maybe other reasons play a part as well)

haha. n now j8 is a "hip" n "happening" place. -laughs-
Saturday, January 15, 2005
05:19 p.m.

cosplay. damn late entry.
erm.. it's new year's eve.. haha. happy new year! :)

haven't blogged for ages.. come online to play maplestory these few days.. but somehow i can't get in right now so i'm bored stiff. maplestory is quite fun though.. but addictive haha. i'm a magician! hehe. the coward who hits pple from afar..

ah, school's starting. STILL haven't decided whether i should be looking forward or dreading. n i've decided tt rj has kicked me out coz i haven't got a call from the orientation leaders. or maybe i'm let off from orientation! yay.. haha. n rj is seriously screwed. the weirdest names for orientation. yamugnhk wouldn't seem strange admist all of those names. n btw, tts my name spelt backwards in case u haven't realised.

went to some cosplay event in far east with shuwen n jiamin (though i expected grace instead haha. but it doesn't matter because i dun really know either) quite a teensy event.. but what could we expect.. we were too giam to go to expo.. must pay u see. yup.. some gundam cosplayers but i thought only athran looked good. too bad her hair was brown n not blue. if not she'll look like athran.. yup n there's this guy? girl? cosplaying as some jrocker. not very good at jrock stuff so i dunno who he? she? was cosplaying as.. but his/her nick was kyo so maybe cosplaying as kyo.. -shrug- yup.. ok since it's troublesome, i shall just name her/him x. ok at first we saw x. got kinda drawn because x looked the most correct in terms of cosplay. can actually pull off the look. yup.. face not bad n i was like.. i'm sure she's a girl. wanna bet? yeah so we happily decided she was a girl. then we went to take a closer look. n we decided she was a guy. because she was wearing this black vest thingie which was OPENED. yup.. so we happily decided he was a guy. n i was actually commenting he had barely any abs (shudder). then we discussed n discussed.. n i was saying he was damn short. u see, shuwen was attracted to him. he's like maybe a couple cm taller than her? ok yeah, so we were just examining him for hours.. drinking water, touching up make-up.. n even assumed this other cosplayer was his mum (still unsure if it is though). but we bought movie tix already.. so we had to leave.. then after the movie we rushed back to see.

since x won some prize or something, he was interviewed lah. or maybe it's coz he just looked the best among the jrock cosplayers.. many pple took pictures of him. we did too, actually. but no cam n luckily val was there too n we borrowed.yeah so while he was being interviewed, we were hovering around (scary us) n i sorta heard his voice though i dunno why the rest didn't. so i was like.. his voice sounds gay. short, gay-voiced.. we assumed he was just young. but how young can he be? he didn't seem very young to me.. oh n just so i can mention it, the entire time i was annoying shuwen by claiming his name is prob weijie, jieming or something common like tt.

k, so we FINALLY went home.. then we were discussing.. n i realised since he had a lip piercing, he can't be that young.. not like.. 12 or something. besides, he honestly didn't look young. so we really couldn't figure out his age.. yeah so the next day, val msged me. apparently HE was a SHE. n how would she know? because the mc announced while we were at the movies. -shudders- n i was looking at HER body. yikes. guess it explains a lot. except the shirt. but the girly voice.. the height.. the age.. yup. but the shirt? urgh.

upon studying the pictures, shuwen pointed out tt she had a slight cleavage anyway. a little shadowing.. but -shrug- guess we assumed it was chest muscles? u know, i mean, guys aren't totally flat (esp when the work out). n she did have slight things which resembled abs. anyway, it's still scary. haha.

cosplay. -laughs- quite interesting..

oh, btw u really are disgusting. u know who u r.
Friday, December 31, 2004
01:00 p.m.

graduation is a sad affair
12 hours 23 minutes more till weiss kreuz downloads finish. hmm something wrong with the grammar but it's quite late (in my opinion) so i'm too lazy to figure out what's wrong. yes, umay, babble n babble at 12.46am on grammar.

wanted to go offline to sleep, but yeah changed my mind. decided to talk a little first.

argh i'm seriously broke.

for the first time this hols, i'm starting to think about 410.. the pple in it. i mean, been focussed on the clique mostly. but chel's note in my gb reminded me blatantly. yes, i'll miss so many of u. guess it hadn't struck me yet, tt i'll not see quite a few of u often anymore. taking for granted each day in class of ur company, the class itself. i'm totally honest on this matter, not just saying coz it's the "right" thing to say. i'll miss so many of u. guess i'll write in detail another day. bahh.. it's really sad. no wonder i didn't wanna think about it before.

guess in a sense, i'm already missing some of u.

going hk on the 19th.. returning on the 22nd. no class party for me, then. to be honest, i didn't really feel compelled to go. but now tt i think about it, n start missing pple, i guess i do want to go. but fate be it, n i'm not meant to go. haha.

graduation is a sad affair.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
12:42 a.m.

blogging for the sake of.
hmm.. really getting to like the crowd in #sdyaoi. good? bad? ahh.. they can't really be considered "friends" since everyone barely knows each other.. but it's still fun talking.

ahh.. been online pretty often. nothing much to do so i blog but there's really nothing i WANT to blog about, though plenty i CAN blog about.

went to char's house with wei just now for a grudging "movie marathon" with only 3 movies. hehe. stepford wives, last samurai n white chicks. tried wimbledon but it bored us to death so we took it out. ella enchanted was spoilt coz of char's wonderful pirated goods. why was the movie marathon grudging? because i'm damn restless i can't sit still for so long.. but they insisted. hrmph. then we pigged out on pizza n char's food. pizza we had to pay ourselves though, because kiam char didn't wanna ask her mum for money. oh well. we took her sausages, oreo mint fudge, fries n ribena though!

haven't talked to her in ages. she's gonna leave in less than a week. nothing to say, yet, a naggy feeling keeps coming back to me.

what am i supposed to do? make up? for what? for our friendship.. but i guess i'm still not appeased yet. i dunno what i want. or maybe i do. but it's impossible. i want tt conversation never to have happened.

maybe it's all meant to go this way.
Thursday, December 9, 2004
11:04 p.m.

drop the pretense
went to hl's blog. then i decided to blog as well.

muscles aching like mad. esp shoulder blades. expected. but this is not what i wanted to blog about.

everyday i ignore the feeling of unease. i'm not certain but i think the rest are too. what is this? i wish we could all just face up to it. but this is not in my position to decide. maybe they think they are "protecting" us. but don't they know it's so obvious we, or at least, i, can't help noticing everything? there aren't many "face-off"s these days. but it's just so.. cold. they are stupid if they even think they are letting us believe nothing is wrong.

in the past, no matter what went wrong, how bad i felt, i could scold myself for feeling so when i have what others would call, "a happy family". sometimes i disagree tt it is happy, but at least it wasn't utterly unhappy. it's scary. i don't like to think about it, especially since no one seems to be doing anything about it. if i continue thinking, all that will happen is just me getting more miserable, with no means to resolve anything.

everyone's just pretending. me, included. i believe my sibs are not stupid either. we are all pretending. was i a fool to believe everything was alright again during her bdae? perhaps so. n i learnt my lesson. even if they went abroad together. a show. put up just for our sake. i hate it.

there's this awkwardness everytime they return home. or maybe it's just me. the result? i escape. it's fortunate that there's always somewhere to hide in my house.

6j outing on friday. i prob can't go. though it's been awhile since i've seen those pple. some of whom i don't particularly want to meet.

argh she's damn annoying. all the more reason why i shouldn't go.
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
04:13 p.m.

#sdyaoi
going for training tmr again, i guess. sorry to char whom i had to cancel out on..

ah, got asked to go to some sd channel on irc. haven't touched irc in ages. feels strange. but oh well, the atmosphere in tt channel is really friendly. half malaysians half singaporeans. just tt most of them know each other already, which leaves me.. trying to get to know them? -shrug-

una's back. hope she wants to "do something" with her hair.. as she puts it. then she'll bring me to cut mine! then i can cut it in town n not some ulu clementi place.. hehe.

argh some things i wanna say but i can't blog about it.
Monday, December 6, 2004
11:12 p.m.

imaginary world.
so i cleverly clicked on the banner below and what i was typing disappeared. annoying.

drowning myself in edison's cds. i only have a couple of them, but it's good enough. maybe tomorrow, if there's no one around to see me, i'll stare at the poster aneeta gave me. edison = comfort? i'm pathetic. seeking solace in someone who doesn't even know i exist. yes, i finally admit it.

realised that the songs in "ed is on" are all so familiar despite not having heard them for ages. can even hum/sing along. shows how often i used to listen to this cd. i like familiarity. i like to know what to expect. wonder what will happen next year when everything gets foreign. not much, i guess. haha. when one thinks about it, there's really nothing too bad which can happen.

there's a song in this cd called "imaginary boy". yes, he is my imaginary boy. but that's enough for me.

after all, i know he is imaginary. unlike the belief i thought you had in me. it turned out to be imaginary too. disillusioned. i hope. i have a sinking feeling that a sliver of hope still lingers on.

i wish i could say i don't like you. but i can't. you have had helped me through so much, i can't bring myself to hate you in any sense. i'm just, confused. i don't understand. i really don't. no, she's not special. can't you see, you can also bring me similar distress.

ok, it feels slightly more difficult to breathe now. i think i'd better stop blogging before i feel nauseas.

too little time has past. maybe another day i'll try again. i wish i lived in my imaginary world with edison to here with me.
Friday, December 3, 2004
10:16 p.m.

hole
so here's a new layout. a few things i haven't straightened out yet but it came out looking ok. i guess i'll straighten the "wrong" parts out when i'm using a faster computer or something. bleagh. html is not my cup of tea i guess.

i have a hole in my chin. i wish it'll heal soon. so annoying. i don't mind the scar i'll most likely get, but it feels irritating now. all the pus-like stuff n rubbish. abrasions on my upper lip and knee. not to mention bruises on my knee and scratches on my calves. wonder what awkward position did i fall in. can't remember except tt my chin hit the ground first. oww.. bright red blood literally dripping off me, n i was like.. where am i bleeding? didn't hurt too much except when the hentai bicycle shop man poured alcohol on my knee. -cringe- i was crying then. ok, he's quite nice lah. let us use the first aid kit.

yes. and so now i end up with a gaping hole in my chin. i wonder if it will close up or will i have an indentation? interesting.

went for training at rj just now. i realised that i really like to play vball. on second thoughts, i guess i knew it all along. but i'm still unsure if i should join next year. shall discuss with the rest. oh, thanks loads, simin and yenping, though i honestly doubt you read this. esp simin lah. guess will treat them sometime later. when i have money. because, on my way to making my ezlink card, i somehow lost my wallet! i dunno where, i dunno how. n they went all over the area with me looking for it, in bus 92, and the bus terminal. yup. really appreciated it. n while waiting at the bus terminal, my mum msged me to say tt it is at the police station and she was going to pick it up. hmm.. money's all gone. but nvm. my fault i guess.

yup.. simin came over to my house after deciding against going for a movie. paid her back the money she lent me to make my ezlink. she's really quite nice. haha. yup.. bathed, ate, then read the mag she bought while listening to her complain how outrageously fat she was. quite amusing. then we watched yami no matsuei, got her hooked but my cd rewritables disappeared so i couldn't burn for her. and she was amused/disgusted by how everyone is in love with tsuzuki. haha. yay! she doesn't like tsuzuki to be with hijiri too! oh n she likes muraki.. just like me! hehe.. though she wasn't too approving of all the pairings haha. kept exclaiming "they are so gay!!" then while i was trying to say how tsuzuki should like muraki instead of hisoka, and hisoka instead of hijiri, she was like "no..umay.." hrmph. what's wrong with gay pairings. cute.

why doesn't anyone think my jokes are funny? hrmph.

i'm trying my best. i really am. picking up my phone, typing a few words, deleting, and replacing my phone. routine. i wonder if anyone knows how difficult is this for me. yesterday night, i got all sad all of a sudden. no one to call. no choice but to call anqi. not suitable, perhaps. but she made me feel better, temporarily. put down the phone, msged aneeta then went to bed. still sad.

are you happy? tts all i need to know. all i want to know. but i don't know how to know.

and then anqi said something which made me feel horrible.

ahh.. a 5-day break to recuperate. i worry i wouldn't be busy enough.

tell me edison looks good in this pic. ok, you don't have to. i know he does. :) though the quality of the pic needs improving.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
09:40 p.m.

don't think.
ok the 'o's are well and over. alma mater too. haha this is really slow.

first things first.. debbie is ms alma mater! hahaha.. congrats! we were all so happy! though u wouldn't read this. i think. think in the clique only aneeta reads this. aneeta who keeps complaining i nv update haha.

so aneeta knows everything. or more or less everything. that's good i guess. ahh, thank goodness for x. keeps me busy, keeps me happy. u guys dunno how much u've helped me. i guess it's not obvious, but i would have been much worse without u all. and yet again, only aneeta gets to read this. hehe.

i'm really happy about all the presents.. love them a lot.. haha.. let's just say aneeta, debbie, wei, suvien, lala n chelle rock. now i feel bbaaaaddd.. but then again, i doubt they mind because they are so nice and all. i dunno. supposed to go to wei's house today together, but it's like, all my events are squished to these few days, i'm afraid my mum wouldn't let me go. coz like go out everyday? -shrug- i'm chicken.

perhaps this is for the best after all. i'm happy, at least when i don't think about i which i don't when i'm around the clique whom i'm hanging out with increasingly often, and she's happy. at least i assume she is. yup, it's all gonna turn out fine. just hafta ignore it and don't think about it, then after awhile i'll grow more and more detached just as i am already beginning to grow so. then everyone will be happy.

that is the ideal.

pops is in the hospital again. i hope she is fine. she's been unwell for quite a few days. i hope nothing really bad is happening. i don't want to think about it.

i realised that not thinking is just the best way to stay happy. so many things i'm ignoring. more or less. i try to, at least. trying to focus on all the happy things only. the easy way out?

don't think. don't think. don't think. my silent mantra.

"why are u having war with all the vballers?" that's what they asked. no, i'm not having war with any. i merely retreated.

besides, it really isn't all.

emily and ili are both in aussie. they say they'd get me a kangaroo back haha. think is, i didn't know they were leaving till the day before they actually left. bahh.

-takes deep breath- ok, umay, don't think.

i wonder how long can i keep this up. all the things i refuse to think about will probably end up in confusion. but it's ok. i'll think about them when i really can't take it. for now, i'm alright.

haha joyce, i'm glad i FINALLY bought your present. though i still don't think it's that cute. oh well, as long as you like it.. :)

bleagh still haven't decided between hist and chem. nvm. i don't have to decide right now. my pae is rather weird.

rj sci rj arts hc sci nj sci nj arts sa sci ac sci sa arts ac arts

oh well. i'd better get my first choice.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
12:33 p.m.

6 days lalallala happy
6 days more! lalala.. so i haven't studied yet still, but heck! it's 6 more days.. :) as joyce said, we act as if it's already over. haha.

but i'm still as happy as a bee! (to all u simin-like pple, bees r happy k) the hanging out, crapping, laughing, eating, bbqs, playing, movie/anime-marathons, shopping, vball, n who knows what other activity! oh n the sentosa! hehe.. i think there's not enough time for all of it! though i'm happy now already, it's been the slacking mode because everyone else is too busy studying.. so after the exams, it'll be activities n more activities! not to mention i need the exercise from training with rj.

oh n i guess i should make my ezlink pretty soon. maybe after chem or a few days after.. haha. got all the details already. all i need is find a day i have time to wait. yup.. since it's at buona vista, it should be rather convenient. ok not very, but relatively.

i hope the rest of the papers go wonderfully.. i really really want an a1 for physics. i mean, i want a1s for chem, amaths, hist n everything i've taken so far too. but i badly want one for physics. i mean, the rest, as long as outta them i get enough a1s for a decent grade i'm fine. but i really want to use physics. because i really want to do well. not because it'll pull my grades up, but because i can't let myself, n mrs ho down. i like physics. i honestly do.

strange to remember though, that in sec 2 i was seriously contemplating on not taking phy because i thought i sucked at it. so, i'm not exactly brilliant now either, but i realised tt i like it. it makes the most sense to me among all the sciences. (: i'll do well. i dun care. i will.

argh i'm freezing. does my sis have to make the aircon freeze me to death??

going out for dinner tonight. hope everything turns out well.

i've pretty much decided that i prob wouldn't have enough cash saved up to splurge too much. boo. oh well, guess i'll hafta prioritise. n also, hope tt i'll still get allowance. was planning to pay for my ezlink too.. we'll see.

6 more days. soon it'll be 5. then 4. then 2. then 2. then 1. then freedom! ok so i can count. -applause- full marks for both maths for me! yay! (a girl can dream, right?)
Saturday, November 13, 2004
06:16 p.m.

look, it's a dead end. no, it's just a dead man at the end of the road.
"na no na no na no.." - ryuichi

shu likes gravi :)

bio paper was interesting.. but what's more interesting is the reactions of everyone! hahaha.. all we can do now is wait for results.. about 3-4 more months later. so why bother now?

umay is a happy happy girl now! and why? because no more bio for her for the rest of her life! yesterday, when i was coaxing myself to study, i had to tell myself, "it's ok, this one last paper then you'll be a happy person." n then i told myself too, "might as well study it as best u can because it's gonna be the last time anyway" n so it's the end now!! bis immer! <- dunno correct or not.. i came up with it after doing bio mcq.. trying to say "till forever". this is "till always" i think. but no big diff..

happy happy umay will be happier in 9 days time! 4 more papers! hmm.. dun see why pple get all stressed out during 'o's though.. so far i'm still relatively relaxed n stress-free. not any more stressed out than i m usually. enjoying most things, as if the exams didn't exist n it's holiday. watching all the tv i want.. haha. it's been quite carefree if i do say so myself. n exams do add a little excitement. so i'm a little strange. haha.

it's almost the end of the exams n it still hasn't hit me tt the exams r here. i'm amusedly disgusted by myself. haha.

haven't talked to jia in years. oh well, i wun die from it. but i just realised it.

baby bro's going acs international. or at least, applying.. haha.

edison is still better. he's always better. tts what i told trixia. it's true. i see others, think they r good looking, but in the end, i realise ed is still better. haha. i'm loyal.

high high high.. no more bio!!

na no na no na no!!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
10:17 p.m.

give my back my notes..
give me back my phy notes..

argh.

they are prob lost in some virtual rubbish dump.

anyone for digging them out for me?
Saturday, November 6, 2004
12:31 p.m.

when the 'o's r here, the world disappears!
hmm.. all's busy studying. at least, judging from the lack of updates of blogs. haha. good for all of u then. i shan't be selfish n complain about the lack of entertainment. after all, i guess i m able to entertain myself. :) not to mention it's not the most appropriate time for entertainment. oops?

yay.. eng, chi, ss done. 3 practs, 2 orals, german essay n half of emaths too. what's left.. bio chem phy hist amath n the rest of emath n german. not much.. right? haha. at least so far i haven't had the "i m so dead" feeling, unless u count german orals. today was fine. i mean, i made a careless mistake n there's one i anyhow do, but since i dun expect to get full marks, it's alright. as long as i get my a1 :) tmr's amaths. haven't been doing it for awhile.. shall look through later i guess. i hope i'll do fine. oh, n there's german listening but honestly, how m i supposed to prepare for it? so yup :) hmm.. ss was a little strange but i should be able to get an a1 so as long as my hist does not screw, there's another a for me! hehe. i'm one confident little girl yeah?

every morning before the exams i'm interestingly happy n relaxed. haha. perhaps because the few that i've taken so far isn't too content-heavy. but all the better, because i would think it's wiser to be relaxed than a bundle of nerves when it comes to handling the exams. or actually, when it comes to anything.

i guess entertaining myself means blabbering on n on to myself. oh well. it relieves stress anyway.

i love to write. or in this case, type. i don't know. i mean half the time i write nonsense, but nvm. it's like i can put down everything without caring if there's anyone around to listen. i mean, if someone's reading this, fine. but if there's no one, it's still ok. guess i just need an outlet.

hmm.. my chinese tutor once told me i didn't know what stress means. she sees me as a heck-care-even-if-the-sky-falls-down kinda person. i wonder. but i guess i do get stressed, just not nearly often enough when it comes to academics. good? bad? i guess it has both elements. -shrug- when i study, i try to enjoy what i'm studying, as i told hl before. no point in making myself unhappy. tts why when pple whine to/tell me that they dun feel like studying/doing whatever hw, i usually ask them just not to do it. but then, no one listens to me. n when they feel like sleeping, i tell them to just sleep. n yet again no one listens. -shrug- ur loss if u dun listen to the old wise one. me, btw.

char asked what combi i'm planning to take next year. at this point of time, i've decided tt i can't decide. haha. oh well, i'll think about it closer to the day i need to decide i guess. i hate to admit it but what she says makes sense. chem is impt. but then, i guess it's one of those times when i run away from things, losing confidence. dunno if i can handle chem. everyone makes it out to be super difficult. n char happily pointed out tt i refused to take phy in sec 2 as well, thinking i can't handle it, but in the end, according to her at least, i'm handling fine. bleagh. i dunno. let's take things one at a time n finish the exams first yeah?

hmm.. shall go look at wei's online shopping now. then i'll go sleep. bye! (whoever u r)
Thursday, November 4, 2004
01:08 p.m.

guilt.
i've decided tt i like gackt. though it's disappointing to know that his pretty face is the work of plastic surgery. n yes, he is pretty. stop saying he looks like a monster!! bleagh. haha. yeah, though i'm not a fan of plastic surgery, he redeemed himself with his songs. they really are nice. ignoring the hentai ones, the lyrics are so sad.. not to mention the tunes n his singing is nice. :) maybe i should try more jrock.

sigh, tmr is the "first paper". so far i've had my german n english orals, german essay, n all 3 practs. somehow they don't seem like "real" papers so tmr is the first! chinese oh dear. n i'm kinda worried i wouldn't have time to study ss properly because paper ends quite late tmr. ask me then, what m i doing here.

to whoever who bothers reading this, all the best! 19 more days only! everytime i think about it i get very happy!

somehow i'm not bothered by the 19 days of work. yet. i'm only paying attention to the "after that" part. haha.

let's see.. 19th i've booked huili n i think jia n i wanna do stuff too. hmm. need to speak to huili but -shrug- prob will chicken out anyway. bleagh. 20th we hafta go shopping with aneeta.. 21st supposed to go sentosa but certain pple claims we'll get buri can't help wondering if she wouldn't have turned out this way if i were still close to her. because, after all, i'm a "good kid" in a sense (pls dun comment about this).. it might restrain her a little.

guilt. on 2 accounts too. aneeta started laughing like an idiot when i told her about them.. :p hrmph. i could handle guilt no. 1, but then guilt no. 2 came along n when i push away one, the other comes. n vice versa. sucks. i guess aneeta's laughing lightened things a bit.. she's right in a sense tt i might just be twisting everything around just to put the blame on myself. but i dunno.

ha. i neglect her, i don't neglect her, yet in both cases, i screwed up. -round of applause-

oh n jia's being screwed for talking on the phone with me in this exam period.. so i can't contact her for awhile. sigh.

i think i should study yeah?

haha.. shuwen n i were thinking of going to cosfest to have a look. undecided yet though.

umay shall now attempt to get herself to study either ss or chinese.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
03:43 p.m.

qian bu gou yong
difficulty of chem pract is expected. didn't do too well, but i wasn't exactly banking on pract. conventional me will bank on things i can actually prepare properly. ask me then, why haven't i started preparing.

and she says 12000 words is too little. i wonder if 5 years down the road i'll think so too. yes, i'm quite certain i can write a 12000 word story, but a thesis.. hmm. then again, i was never quite good at writing expositories/arguments. perhaps it's good then, that i've decided long before that the route of law is not for me.

childish me just can't bear helping the "bad people".

yet again, i'm amused that i tend to blog more when the exams are nearing.. when i'm not supposed to be blogging. then the rest of the year i don't even bother. sheesh. maybe it's because during this period, it always seems as if there are less people around to hear you out. and since i'm well.. expressive.. i need an outlet. yeah, perhaps that's why. perhaps. i would never know.

looking for a smiley with a raised eyebrow. haha.

going to rj openhouse tmr. wanted to go hc too but no one to go with me and i guess after that i decided i'm too lazy to take a bus down haha. wei was supposed to go with me, but she backed out :( mean pig. meeting deb n vien but since they don't wanna go hc.. oh well. guess i'm going only for fun. doubt i'll change my mind n go hc instead.

-laughs- though if this keeps up, i'll be kicked out of rj after the first 3 mths. umay, do something.

i'm just glad my comp has so much space. makes me less guilty saving both gravi n yami no matsuei in it. haha.

bah i'm hungry. too late to go down n ask someone to fix me something.. sigh. all i have are sweets to survive on and i'm not big on sweets. oh i love dark chocolate maltesers :) argh i'm seriously hungry. i guess i shouldn't have skipped dinner. oh well.

makes me wonder how my sis survives with these hunger pangs when she goes on her frequent diets.

if i'm gonna give all the pple i wanna give farewell gifts, i need to rob a bank. or two. argh how? and i don't have time to make so many gifts if i'm gonna like.. make from scratch. after writing down the vballers names, exclusive's, char n shu, i tried writing down the rest of the 410 pple i intend to give. then the list just grew and grew i might as well have said i was giving the entire class. then, amongst those pple, i tried to pick 10. mission impossible. all the "she was really nice to me".. "she really helped me alot" came through my head for almost everyone. goodness.

n i can't bear to neglect those friends outside my class and outside the groups i am confirm getting for.

i guess this is what li4 bu4 cong2 xin1 really means. -pulls hair- how how how? i really don't know. i mean, i guess pple would understand if i don't give them anything, but i wouldn't feel good.

i still have to keep money aside for joyce's extremely belated present. not to mention wei's upcoming one. n jean's. -screams-

money is the root of all evil.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
11:32 p.m.

i should be studying. so sue me.
goodness. i'm listening to some weird song "let me die" by nicholas tse which i have never heard of. think it's quite old. n why m i listening to it? beats me. it's not even nice.

ok changed the song to "alive one day for you" also by nic tse. goodness. it's not nice too. i give up on him. i shall change singer.

shall just listen to leehom's ai de jiu shi ni. at least i know he can sing.

huili, u r mad. i honestly don't ever understand u. sigh. ur objective in life is to bewilder me.

haha anita.. that's basically very true. sigh. it's really stupid actually. oh well. and i went to ur blog but it's.. i just assume tt u haven't been writing. it looks under construction.

wonder how many people are currently buried in their textbooks. plenty i suppose. -guilt- but i tell myself i'll face with the consequences myself. oh well. i'll handle it when the time comes.

"first" paper tmr. the first papers were actually my orals, both german and english, but no one gives a damn. but then again, it's pract tmr. of course i hope i do well in it, but it's yet again something with a limit to the preparations u can do. maybe i can go.. wash my test tubes or something. :P

i hafta go for 3rd later, no matter how useless it is, with herr anwar n all, because.. *shhhhh* himitsu. haha. i just have an.. identity crisis. haha. wonder how many of u will get it. not that many is actually reading this.

instead of counting down to the "first" paper, not tmr but the written ones (ok, so pract also must write but i know what i mean), let's count down to the last paper. about 30 more days! -grin- i can't wait n neither can you! hmm.. think my parents will kill me if i burn all my books? i think so. so perhaps i shall stick to burning all my worksheets! quite a huge pile so i'll be happy enough! haha! too bad i threw away quite a large pile while clearing my lockers. was quite pleased to drop the pile into the recycling bin, but it would be more fun to see it slowly catching fire and going up into flames! oh but then again, pollution. recycling would be better. oops. so maybe i'll modify my plans.

i'm such a saint that sometimes i can't believe myself.

i'm gonna be 17 soon! wish me happy birthday! ok so there's about 5 more months or so.. but tts besides the point.

i'm good at distracting myself. i just don't like to do it. oh well.

i realised that the only times we will see each other as a "school" again would be during exams and alma mater. i mean, we can always meet up, but not as a school. oh yeah there's some talk or other on the 24th and that's about all. bah.

u'll miss me? i know u will. hehe.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
11:31 a.m.

i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself

hmm i'm so dead. haven't touched anything yet. i'd better do something. soon.

winning is not always fun.

i know i'm not giving much details but i can't be bothered to.

it's difficult to understand a piece of writing with alternate lines removed. perhaps that is why i can't understand you.

sometimes we go on and on about our flaws.. about others' flaws.. that we tend to neglect the presence of virtues. yes, everyone has flaws. i wouldn't deny that you have them too. but it is also true that there is more to you than your flaws. just like there's more to me than mine.

i need space. i'm sorry, know you don't mean it, but i felt suffocated. and that was why i ran away.

i saw joy the other day. majorly surprised. she was shocked too. haha. n she mentioned tt when she got back from israel her mum asked about me. how interesting. me, of all pple. think she was surprised too.

i bought my dress.. quite simple, but i like it. wonder if many pple would have the same one too. oh well. doesn't matter.

are we all trying too hard to be different? what's wrong with being the same? i don't see the point in being different just for the sake of. sure, we shouldn't get influenced n all. but if ur choice is made by "i don't want to be the same as her/them", then u r indeed being influenced. influenced NOT to be the same, when perhaps if without the presence of "them", u would have made a decision that "they" made. do i make sense?

it's not trying to be different or not. it's just being yourself. if you are the same as her, so be it. if you aren't, so be it.

it's not what is "different". it is what is "you". but harping on "different" n "same", u r being influenced all the same, whether u choose to be "different" or u choose to be the "same".

yet again, i'm pretending to be all wise. ignore me.
Monday, October 18, 2004
04:44 p.m.

haha i got a job!
after turning my entire room upside down, i finally found the name list for vball photos. sigh. luckily.

debbie extorted 10 bucks from me. nvm, i have mitchy to keep me company.

goodness, i hear some weird sounds coming from outside.

yay i've got a job tutoring constance's sec1 bro after the 'o's! getting paid 160 a mth for a 2 hour session per week thing. i can't exactly quit after the dec hols, but anyway, i dun think 2 hours a week is too much to spare even during the school year. oh n constance says that if i teach well, i will get a bonus on top of my pay! yay! just hope i know how to do normal acad maths. hopefully it's easy enough. he's in sec 1 now, so i just hope i know how to do lower sec math. (let's ignore the fact tt i failed my eoys for sec 1 n 2)

it's evident that it is quite impossible for things between them to be alright again.

friendships are falling apart just when we are all about to leave the school. how sad. which is why i hope at least they would resolve matters. i know they cannot though. oh well, hopefully one pair would be fine. myself? i really don't know.

people come, people go. but the footprints left will always remain.

i seem to be getting many ulcers recently. everytime one heals, another comes along. wonder if it's punishment. hm. it makes eating less enjoyable. esp eating fried fish.. i'm always afraid the bones would poke the ulcers. bahh.

so i'm a pig.
Friday, October 8, 2004
09:09 p.m.

tell me what to do
there's german orals tmr but i haven't prepared yet. sigh. will prepare later i suppose. anyway, though many aren't going to school tmr because of orals, i think i will. don't see the point in staying at home and sleeping anyway. what a diligent student i am.

one of the reasons is my anxiety over moderations actually. haha. but i'm not even sure if i would know by tmr. oh well.

jia's reaction surprised me.

i really don't know what i want at this point of time.

coincidence? i don't know. but when i hear both sides of their story, though it's quite different from ours, i start to reconsider.

i don't know. you prob ain't as bothered by it as i am. i am really at a lost of what to do. this dilemma.

i think i'll just go by impulse then. let's see what happens.

sigh, and i can't bear to face mrs ho anymore. even though the paper was not easy, i should have done better anyway. i could have done better. i am such a disappointment to her. i'm not exactly her star pupil or anything in a sense, but i know she expected more of me. at least cat didn't let her down.

let's see what happens in school tmr. oh and i have no idea still, if it's even or odd week. sigh shall call wei to check.
Sunday, October 3, 2004
12:11 p.m.

fourteen
mitchy mitchy mitchy mitchy!!! he's the absolute cutest person/anime character in the entire world! what was i thinking?? those 2dimensional bishies in pot cannot even come close to mitchy's wonder! i really think slam dunk is pure genius. the characterisations are BRILLIANT! AHHH MITCHY!!!

english gave me my a1 for l1. relieved. i guess i expected a a2. i'm definitely not complaining though! anyway, ss was slightly better than expected. scraped by an a1 as well. but it's not great enough for me to feel completely at ease. history might go either way. all i can do now is hope.

no mood to talk about exams.. MITCHY!!! gosh. how clueless are those who think pot is better than sd.

and then my mood starts to drop. slowly..

i do know i should stop it. you have tolerated it for years and years and years. but i expected you to know that i meant no harm. alright then. if you think it'd be better this way, i'll stop. i'll stop. it doesn't feel correct. i don't feel like me. i guess ur words hit me. you don't know i mean no harm? if so, then it's ok. i'll stop. i'll stop.

it's strange how my excitement over mitsui can die off in a matter of minutes, leaving me in tears.

are you going to say goodbye? i refused to believe so. but maybe it's time.

no mood to blog anymore. no mood for mitchy anymore. and that's saying something.

you may not know this, but every single friend of mine probably means more to me than anyone realises. that's why i try my best, in my own odd ways, to at least keep channels open. do you understand? i thought you did. maybe my methods ain't the best.. but i'm trying. at least i'm trying. can i say the same for you?

the worst thing is that, don't you realise that i regard time as one of the most important factors in a friendship? you meant more to me that you probably realise. yes, i have many new friends. i might neglect my older friends, but i would never give them up for new friends.

i don't mean much to you at all.
Monday, September 27, 2004
11:06 p.m.

not again
it's been ages since i've been here.. much to debbie's disgust. haha. but then again, maybe it's good. or not. i really dunno. i mean, i usually blog only when i m really bothered by something. so it's either nothing bothered me terribly, or i was too bothered to actually put them down in words. in all of honesty, it's usually the former. so i suppose it's good.

that doesn't mean everything's just dandy though. i guess.. i've learnt to cope? or rather, i've learnt not to dwell as much on stuff. erm. ok. i tried.

i'm glad to say prelims are over. but this 4 day break is gonna be agonizing. i really really dunno how will i do. i need to do well, yet i don't have much confidence in quite a few papers. sure, i'll pass. i'll almost definitely pass. but it's not enough.. besides knowing i'll pass, i have almost absolutely no idea how the results will come out. the only one i'm certain of is my bio is NOT gonna do well. it's ok since i expected tt. i sort of expect my emaths to do well too. if i don't get an a1 i'll be beyond upset. call me over ambitious or whatever but i do know my limits and i find tt i should be able to accomplish that at the very least. the paper was quite easy anyway. i mean, a few mistakes here and there, a few i don't know, but i should still be able to get a decent grade.

other than that, everything might go either way. i sort of expected to do better for amaths, phy n chem.. but i really dunno how i did in actual fact. perhaps not as bad as i think? that's a dangerous thought. it speaks of hope and with hope comes disappointment. social studies is like that as well. actually, i thought i did my best for history. i mean, i could probably write more facts (if i had studied more), but i didn't feel terrible after the paper. hope my sense of well-being would mean a grade which could bring my combine humans to an a1. english is yet another great uncertainty. i'm quite sure though, that it would be better than chinese. so i just hope for an a1.

yes, i know i keep harping on the a1 factor when i don't even know if i can accomplish an a2. but seriously, when you start counting, you realise that a2s r not good enough. one is acceptable.. two is erm.. still acceptable but not too ideal. and both ways, the rest of the subjects ought to have an a1. at first i thought anything below a 10 would be fine.. then i realise that though that would be tough enough, only a 6-7 would get me to rj science stream. then rj suddenly seems like an impossible dream.

everyone else seems to be placing their hopes on moderation. to an extent, i do too. but frankly, a grade after moderation just isn't satisfying. i do know, though, that beggars can't be choosers. if they are gonna give me a grade or 2 up, i'll be more than glad. but the point is that i don't even want to have room for that one or 2 grades. meaning, i want my a1s. after the papers though, i can safely say that not all would be able to accomplish that.

i know that when my grades come back, i wouldn't be too happy. moderation wouldn't be done instantly and i honestly doubt i would get every single grade i desire. i just hope it isn't too drastic. and anyway, even if it isn't, meaning a b3 or perhaps b4 if you don't count tt drastic, i guess i would not be happy. damn even an a2 for SOME subjects would not satisfy me at that. and then pple would be mad at me for stating so. pple who do worse. and then i'd feel worse. yes i know it is insensitive of me to "rub it in" in a sense, but sigh. i really don't know what i want to say. it's very confusing.

i'm worried about my grades. and so is half the world, probably.

my baby (ok, maybe not so "baby") bro did something really brave, unexpected and touching in a sense. i was crying. he didn't know that. i didn't realise he knew how i was feeling. i didn't realise he felt the same too. anyway, it sure was brave of him to spit it all out to her. he was practically hysterical. i don't blame him. i was crying uncontrollably just listening in to the conversation. goodness.

i suppose i have learnt to come to terms with it after awhile. actually not. i'm just not thinking about it. distraction. good or bad? i really don't know. but at least it stops me from bursting out in tears every few seconds. haha.

and then these days it came to me again. is it better to be loved just like that or is it better to be loved for who you proved to be? personally i think the latter would be more worthwhile. i mean, it does absolutely nothing for you to be loved just because you materialised onto this earth and then all you actions/behaviour/character traits aren't thought much of or even hated. being loved for what we are rather than who we are. i mean, if a parent loves a newborn, one whom they don't know personality-wise just yet but rather because he was borne to them, it doesn't say much. but that is what always happen. whe you think about it, doesn't it feel like they are loving what he represents that who he actually is? loving your son just because he is your son. obligation?

i don't like it. how can you love me if you don't even like me? how can you love me if you can't even accept me for who i am? how can you love me if you don't even know who i am? i really don't know. you say you love me. but i don't understand. i don't like it. i really don't. i ought to be happy that at least someone loves me. but i don't feel convinced. sometimes i wish to shout out that you love your daughter but you don't love me. i'm more than just a daughter. yes, i am a daughter. but that's not all. is there really nothing else to love about umay?

it's too late now even if we want to change things. you say we should give you a chance. but what good is that? we are all used to this lifestyle. everything would just feel too forced if we attempt to change it. as much as i would prefer warmth, i'm more accustomed to the cold. yes, sure, i do get frost bites occasionally and wish things were different, but a sudden change in temperature would result in an inability to cope. at least i know what to expect. close to nothing.

money. yes sure. money. food, yes sure food. as long as it makes me happy. clothes? sure, if i really like it. you feel that all of it would be worth it. if i produce the grades.

am i supposed to feel comforted?

i wonder if you know how much of this is bothering me. everytime i think about it i end up crying. there is no exception. even know, i'm fighting back tears unsuccessfully. is it so difficult to like me?

am i too sensitive? but that's just me. you hate it and tell me so. everytime i cry i get looks of annoyance shot my way. no no it's not your fault. it's just me being too sensitive. but can't any of you tell that you hurt me? perhaps you feel i ought not to be, but the fact remains that i was. and i am.

you don't care, do you?

i probably sound like some loser trying to make myself sound pitiful. maybe i am one. whatever.

i'm just glad i have friends.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
01:00 a.m.

year's ending
bah.. and here i am, trying to convince myself to do my maths tuition homework, but yet not really wanting to do it. paper1 n paper2 of 2002 emaths june paper of 2002. not very difficult.. but.. imagine doing 4.5 hours worth of maths. sheesh. just finished paper 1. now, to convince myself to do paper 2. argh. and i must do it by 9 tmr morning.

and i am blogging instead of doing it. sheesh. sometimes i wonder what's up with me.

'o' levels orals were today. not quite perfect, but satisfactory (: over and done with. kinda like the thrill of english oral examinations. perhaps i'm a little strange. so sue me.

and study break just started. sad to say, it doesn't feel like one to me. i don't feel the nerves. it's too relax. it's bad. tell me, how do i get to the correct "mode"? it's like, i keep telling myself, i'll be nervous when it's closer. n start mugging. but it's really close now and i feel.. nothing.

how?

exclusive is nice. wonder if we'll still be together next year. ok my words are a little ambiguous.

think i'll miss 410 loads. just when i'm getting to know quite a few pple better. it's always like that.

oh well. no mood to blog, actually. tschus!
Friday, August 20, 2004
10:17 p.m.

dun die, ok?
i must say that prince of tennis is wonderful..

been a long time since i've blogged. lalala.. no, the 'o's r not coming. i refuse to believe that exams are nearing.

sigh. over-reacting? or not. i wonder. but somehow, i dun regret my words. it's something i know i would do anyway, even if i had another chance. stubborn, perhaps. maybe it's coz everytime i do such nonsense, no one really "teaches me a lesson". everyone is too kind to me.

i'm owing seriously a lot of work. even if it's to teachers i like. -guilt-

shuwen's been lending me quite a lot of stuff. glad i didn't lose her disc after all.. thanks!

sigh. vball is dying. my dearest jnrs, i suppose i shouldn't force u to continue if u dun want to.. since a reluctant player is not much better than no player at all. i'm not too happy about it, but i guess i'm sort of resigned to it. really no point in demanding that u all do as i say. i must admit though, if i were in ur team, i wouldn't allow such things. but, i'm out of the team. nothing much i can do. i can't play for u all.. i can't play with u all. even if i go down, there's a limit to what i can do. n even so, u guys aren't even training anyway. -shrug- i hate to accept this, n i suppose u know, since according to rachel, u predicted me not being too happy bout it. but, i have no choice, do i?

everything is dying. no, not everything. let's just say, everything i care about. everything i have put effort in. all the stuff i dun give half a damn about, they r fine n well. maybe i'm incapable. or maybe my expectations r too high. maybe i'm just trying to do far beyond my means. or maybe i'm not trying hard enough. which is it? i suppose it can be any one i choose.. matter of perspective.

i'm glad i'll always have some stuff to rely on. but the sad thing is that, i seem to be always more focused on the "unstable" stuff. but always, when stuff seems to go all wrong, i'll go back to the stuff i've always depended on. it feels like i'm "making use" of them. but.. i guess despite feeling slightly guilty, i've nv made an effort to change. perhaps it's coz, i know that they'll be there, no matter what i do. complacent. actually, it reminds me of the golden pair in pot. kikumaru doing all sort of risky plays, n knowing that when things go wrong, oishi will be behind, covering for him. when i fall, i'll know tt there's always someone there, helping me out, pulling me up. dammit i'm corny. ok whatever.

i think i'm spoilt. not by my family, but by the people around me.

oh well. i'm going off. still hafta do eng proj or jh will strangle me. sigh. dun feel like doing.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
04:35 p.m.

i'm not an angel (except maybe to ed hehe)
finally archived. sigh.. not tt i updated much or anything. nvm.

haha. listening to ah du's tian tian kan dao ni if u can believe it.. he's voice is a little strange. dunno what's so nice about the hoarse voice. his fans r strange.

speaking of which, simin still has psta! bah. but nvm lah. give up nagging at her. shall just patiently wait. as anqi said, simin will always be simin lol.

stress seems to be getting to pple. somehow. many pple seem to be angered easily these days. tsk. temper temper. shall try to keep my own temper in check anyway. but the thing is tt it isn't the 'o's or anything which makes me frustrated with everything else. it's just the atmosphere. how pple all see so tensed up. -shrug- anyway, it's the hols now.

think by hook or by crook i hafta start studying SOMETHING this hols. or i'll feel guilty at the end of it all. little umay wants to do well after all. little umay is just like everyone else. sigh. hope i can bring myself to start studying. think i'm a pig. just lazing around. even rewatching meteor garden haha.

i think pple should stop trying so hard to impress. i mean, why not be urself? if pple dun like it the way u r, then too bad. someone else would. isn't it tiring, trying to do or say the "right" things. the "cool" things. i dunno. pple can feel that u r trying way too hard. it just backfires. of course, the person i'm saying this to will probably not read this. heck. what i'm saying is that, it's pathetic. i would probably like u much better if u didn't try so hard.

anyway, aneeta (though u will prob not read this too), i do have pple i dun like. i'm not the "angel" u make me out to be. yup, u n sheila n suvien n debbie n the rest ah.. tsk. i'm only human. i do dislike pple too k.. just tt i'll feel bad disliking the person when she suddenly does something nice to me. haha. i'm quite loser lah. yeah. i do bitch, just like everyone else. so stop making it sound like i love the entire world!! i dun k. pple do annoy me quite a bit sometimes as well. just tt through the years, i've learnt to more or less stop myself from screaming at pple and rolling my eyes at them. though these days it's getting slightly harder.

i suppose, maybe why you think i just love the entire world is tt i feel tt it's not fair to them if i can't stand them coz of a certain flaw? i mean, everyone has flaws. everyone has things i dun like about them. but they are nice sometimes too. i dunno. it's difficult for me to blatantly ignore the fact tt they can be nice too. n yeah, as i have mentioned before, some "flaws" i can accept. n some.. well.. maybe i can't. but maybe, i try to let their virtues cover over their vices. try to. sometimes, it's not so effective n i have to tell myself not to be mean. haha. reminds me tt pp always tells me, "umay, be nice!"

sigh. trying to waste time before tuition. hope everyone's well. pple shouldn't be upset all the time. makes me worry. bah.
Monday, May 31, 2004
05:30 p.m.