Monday 090407
Photos from the Monkeys' birthday! I loveee my monkey darling so so much. Thank you for bringing me so much laughter in school. I don't know how I can survive without you, really!
With Rachel and Wenwen darlingss.
I love my big monkey too! And of course, we all love the school bus too. Hahhaaa.
The girls at the pretty pretty romantic bridge. Why must all the nice things be at the east side?!
Thank you for the lovely cake. It was really really sweet of you guys, although it made me a little sad to have to eat poohey up. Hahaa.
* Lin @ 0056 hrs
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Saturday 070406
I had a really really wonderful 21st birthday this year, thanks to the many many people I loveeee so much! Thank you to all of you okay, I really appreciate you guys coming down for the dinner, playing monopoly with me at the hotel and for everything else you guys have done!
Dinner was at Juju's Hokkaido Hotpot and I almost died finishing all the seafood. And I got scalded when I bit into this round ball with mushroom and the juice spilled out. So now I have a line of burn scab at the edge of my lips. Damnn. The food was good, although the more I eat the more tired I feel cuz I could never seem to finish it. But I love hotpots, because it gives me xin fu de gan jue. Hahaa.
And I must especially thank Friend and Binbin for doing so so much! Thank you for the slideshow, I know you all were so busy already and still have to get it done on time. Friend friendd, I know your everydays are already so packed and you still had to do the slideshow until very late every night. And Binbin you had to stay up until so late too to receive the file from friend when your sleep time is like before midnight. Hahahaa. But then again, I hope to see you more on msn after 12? Hahhaa, please sleep later! And thank you for the surprises! The cupcakes were really really sweet and I love the baby's breath! The Canele cake was damnn nice too I love dark chocolate so so much! I've gotten everything I've wanted and there's really nothing else I could have possibly asked for. You all are really really nice de lo. Love you all so so much!
I loveee my brother. He booked a room at Ritz Carlton for me, so nice lo. He told me the most important thing that I must do was to use the bathtub, nothing else matters. Hahahaa. And so I soaked in the bathtub twice and it was damnnnn good. I love love love love playing monopoly and I won, for the first time in my life! Hahhaaaa. The bed was big and high and fluffy and thank you vonn for letting me warm my cold legs against you. Hahahhahaha.
Dinner with the NTU Psychology people at Jumbo Seafood Restaurant was wonderful too although I had only three hours of sleep the night before and I really really almost died of exhaustion. I need at least ten hours of sleep. Hahahaa. You guys are really really so sweet and I really didn't expect so much from you all! Thank you for making that video for Monkey darling and me. I know it was really hard work and you guys must have spent so much time and effort on it. And thank you for the present and cake! I lovee the Swensens' Winnie the Pooh ice cream cake so much, it makes me feel like a kid all over again. Hahahaa. But really, thank you and I love you all so so much!
And omg lo, thank you Friend, Xiaoshouzhi, Yusheng, Binbin, Isaa baby, Min and Von for doing the video recording. Hahhaaa. You all are damn cute lah! I really didn't expect that and it was damn funny to see you all in the video. Hahhaaa. And Gera dear, although they didn't manage to receive your video, I got your message! No thanks to the guys for spilling out my secrets all, so throw face one lahh. But okay lah, you all are damn funny so it's okay. Hahaa. Lovee you all!
And and, Happy Belated Birthday Min! Hope you had a wonderful birthday! And thanks for the treat! I was surprised you did the video recording lo. If it was me, I'll be damn paiseh recording myself. But you look prim and proper as always, so don't worry. Hahahaa. Happy Birthday to my darling Monkey too I loveee you man.
I really really cannot express my thanks to you all enough lah, seriously. I've never really like celebrating my birthday all that much because I don't like big affairs but this year was really my best birthday ever, together with all the people I love.
* Lin @ 1701 hrs
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Friday 300307
I ran again yesterday! Now I have no urge to go gymming anymore. Everyday I look outside, I'll just feel like running. Nono, I realized that I don't like treadmill that much anymore. I like the feel of running outside because you have to literally push yourself to move forward, you can open your strides and run faster when there's a downslope, and when it's an upslope, you can feel the strain in your legs as you push yourself to run forward. Wahhh, I love the endorphins running through the body. And I especially love the aching of my body post-running. Hahahaa.
Today was a jing xian wan fen day for me. I dragged myself out of bed in the morning because the sun was shining brightly outside. So I made my way to CSC, so damn happy then I'm finally able to go get a tan. The sun was okay lah, it kept up for a while but shit, the grey clouds started covering my sun and I was damn sad lah. I waited and waited but the sun never came out again and then it started to drizzle. No choice lah, at least maybe I got a little darker. Just a little lah. Then I went to bathe. And when I'm done and out of the shower, the rain was like hell big outside. So I was happily blowing my hair when suddenly there was a huge roar of thunder. Damn it lah, I was so scared I panicked and quickly ran out of the toilet cuz I was the only one inside. So throw face. I wonder where's my courage sometimes. Hahaaa. And I was so irritated cuz I wanted to get home quick but the rain was pouring down relentlessly. Then when I was taking the lift to the ground floor, I pressed the wrong floor cuz I wasn't sure which floor I was supposed to go. It kept going to the wrong levels and when the life opened at the different levels and I peered outside, I got scared again lah. Some levels were dark, then some can see the heavy rain, and I was in the lift alone and it made weird sounds. Arghh, I hate lifts one lah! Since I was so impatient, I decided to use my small towel to cover my head and dash out in the rain. Bad choice lahh. There were so many roads and unsheltered places I had to pass and in the end when I finally reached Westmall, I was cold and wet. So unglam, sighh. But but, I had my fix of my tauhway craving since yesterday night. Hahahaa.
* Lin @ 1508 hrs
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Monday 260307
Kbox was fun with Binbin, Von and Xiao Shou Zhi. Wenyong, your nasal voice is not bad, especially when you sing Li Sheng Jie's songs. But you always sing his songs, how to get rid of that nasal voice!! And ahh, I got the Wu Ke Qun's Nan Yong after you sang it today okay. It is so cute lahh, and whenever I listen to it I can imagine you singing it. Damn funny lahh. Can lah, you can dedicate that song to me. Hahhaaa. But Kbox's food sucks lah. Traditional chicken rice is soya sauce chicken, and I actually imagined that it would really be the normal chicken rice. And they have weird green algae which Xiao Shou Zhi finished all of them! Yucks.
I was soooo tired so I succumbed to an afternoon nap. Hahhaa, although I always scold you lah Binbin, but after extensive research on sleep and memory for my project, I realized that taking a nap may help in the consolidation of memory. So it's good lah. But still, don't take naps every single day lahh! But I woke up and felt so sinful because I did nothing for the whole day so I decided to go for a run with Friend. Omgomg I could have died, I hvn't gone to the gym for almost two weeks lahh so I was already horribly unhealthy. But Friend said we ran maybe 5km today? I hope so lahh. Hahhaaa. So my legs are wobbly now and running makes me cranky and energetic and crazy I can't sit still for the whole night after the run.
And I'm feeling so hungry now I am so tempted to throw those sausages into the oven. Hahhaaa. Shit. But I'll control for today, and maybe sleep earlier to forget about the hunger. I don't want to waste the calories burnt on running today. Hahaaa. And shit I keep getting bitten by mosquitoes, in my room, in school, everywhere. There are like 100000bites and they look damn ugly lah. :((((
* Lin @ 0138 hrs
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Saturday 240307
I want to catch Mr Bean's Holiday! I need a good laugh in this dreary dreary night. :((((
* Lin @ 0242 hrs
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Friday 230307
My work of art for Binbin at the library today. Hahhaaa. I didn't mean to, I was just bored.
I can't continue with the research tonight anymore. It's killing me and I feel like puking. The more I tried to read those words and look for information that sounded somewhat coherent, my eyes will go dizzy on me. Maybe it's the food. I had my dinner, but my mummy forced me to eat those salmon sushi because they couldn't be kept until the next day. It was really nice but I was really full and I can still feel them in my throat. Argh. I really feel like puking.
I need to wake up tomorrow and drag myself to school and find those articles and do those readings and start on those projects. I need some valium.
* Lin @ 0205 hrs
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Thursday 220307
Maybe I think too little these days. My brain has evolved into this puny little thing I don't even recognize anymore. Am I just not capable of thinking about more in-depth stuff anymore, or am I just in denial, repressing everything that I would have never wanted to remember or even think about anymore. I don't know if I still remember how I used to be, or even whether how real I am now. I'm happy to be the way I am now, but sometimes I wonder, where's the old part of me which I still yearn to be part of. I can't grasp hold of it, I don't even see it anymore. Is it going to just stay this way, now?
We're all old, and so jaded. Sometimes I stand here, and wonder how I've come so far, and how far I've still got to go, and where am I actually moving towards? Some things just can't be pondered on for too long, for you'll not only get no answers, you'll just become more confused. Did that make me stop thinking somewhere along the road?
I'm still walking on, exploring my many many options in life. I'm still, floating around. I like to be constantly be on the move, just like anything fleeting. Although sometimes I don't understand what will actually make me feel settled or why I just don't have the ability or just simply refuse to have an endpoint, it somehow just makes me feel safe. But there will come a time, perhaps, when I need to start consolidating the feelings inside me. But, don't pull me down as yet.
I'm not really a cynic really, maybe I'm just more of an idealist. But then again, I can be much of a pragmatist too. So, the many facets and choices blur the lines between many things too. I need to learn, to understand myself more.
* Lin @ 0053 hrs
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Wednesday 210307
I am horribly tired. Although the two morning lectures today are going to be on webcast because it's e-learning week, I still had to make my way to school in the morning for project meeting. Wasted so much time discussing and doing research on our own. We should have just approached our professor earlier and we could have decided on our topic so much earlier! And now my friday's going to be dedicated to the three projects that have be completed within these two weeks. We are such terrible procrastinators I'm totally disgusted. Hahaa. We did a test during the Mental Health lecture and omg lah, I scored rather low/normal levels for depression, anxiety and stress. But the test was done based on the past week. I'm still amazed lah, but maybe the manifestation just hasn't made an appearance yet. I'm sure those are still in me, surely they aren't dormant. But you guys made me happy everyday lah, that's why I'm spending my days happily. Hahhaaa. But I can't say the same for the weeks to come.
BotakJones for dinner with my parents. My mummy thought she was such a wonderful eater, she was asking me why I never order fries lah, chicken wings lahh. I told her to wait for her food to come and see if she could finish it first. In the end, obviously she couldn't lah. She eat until want to die only. Hahahaa. And I had my favorite Giant Beef Hotdog! I didn't want the coleslaw, and they replaced it with fries. And my fries was like such a huge mountain I died trying to finish them. And I didn't manage to finish them lahh!
My mummy told me there must be so much plastics in my stomach now because of all the sausages I have eaten for the past weeks. She told me to better stop eating them for a while if not I will die only. Hahaaa. Okayokay, I also think it's time to take it slow and cut down on my sausages intake. Hahaaa.
Three more projects to go, inclusive of two term papers and three presentations. This is horrifying shit seriously. It's less then three weeks to the exams and I'll still have lessons on the week before my first paper. Where the hell did our reading week disappear too?! Shit shit shit. What bad planning this time round. We don't even have a week of preparation at all. I only have like what, one/two days to prepare for each paper when there are like so much things to cover?!! I think I'm going to have panic attacks soon. :((((
* Lin @ 2100 hrs
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Tuesday 200307
I realized I really can be focused and hardworking if I want to. SOMETIMES. Hahaaa. Dropped by JE Library to study after school today and spent a few hours doing my readings at my favorite place in the library - Cafe Galilee. That's where I expressed my love for Binbin with my tissue art. Hahahahaa. Yahh right. And yah lahh, your name's being mentioned again. But you are really lazy lah, although it's also good you didn't drop by because you're a sun2 you3. You would have been a great distraction anyway. And I know lah, your afternoon nap is more important than anything at all. Hahaaa.
Friend and Xiao Shou Zi dropped by after work to accompany me for a bit. You all are nice de lo. Although I lost my momentum and couldn't continue studying after you all came, but I am very happy still. Hahaaa. I am happy to see you all lah, on my otherwise boring day with a horribly boring lecture. Somemore, there's fries to eat. Hahahaa.
So in conclusion, I shall go to the library more often because it's more conducive for me. At least I could get two readings done as compared to the one page one day I accomplish at home. Hahaha. Damn lousy. I had my Mocha Ice-Blended and it's niceee. No lah, actually cuz it's the cheapest. Hahaa. And you see those mi4 mi4 ma2 ma2 words on the paper. Yucks. Can never finish studying them lahh.
I don't know what kind of party or dinner they are having opposite my block now but it's damn noisy with all the singing and performances. My head is splitting lahh. But my brother is nice de lo, I just had the Godiva chocolates that his friend gave him, as well as the bird's nest. Hahaa, although there's so much bird nest in the bottle and obviously it's all cai4 yan3, but it still makes me happy. :))))
* Lin @ 2156 hrs
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Tuesday 200307
I lovee yummy Liang Seah Street Yu Pian Mee Fen and the Chicken Rice and Rochor Tau Huay. Binbin is a sun2 you3. I was happily TRYING to do my readings for the stupid Psychology in the Asian Context on Sunday when she called me and told me she was bored. Yah lahh, obviously I was bored to tears just by looking at the thick stack of readings too. And she has learnt the art of tempting me to go out. I rejected watching a movie because I wanted to save money and watching movies are the most wasteful thing ever lahh. But suddenly she went siao and suggested going down to Liang Seah Street for dinner lo. That place is a treasure trove, I love love love the food there, near there, a distance from there. How can you tempt me with food! You are smart de lo. Hahahaa. The three yandao boys joined us for dinner too after their shopping. The rest can be read from Binbin's blog. She said everything le. Hahhaaa.
I love steamboats because I get this xing fu de gan jue whenever I think of steamboats. I have no idea why but eating steamboat together with people just gives me a very blissful feeling. It makes me very very happy. So let's go eat steamboat one day, okay? I'll love you all alot alot de!
And I've spent like more than five hours doing those two things which I don't want to mention yet and I am so tired. But shit lo, I'm not totally satisfied with them. But I did put in lots of effort, so I hope they'll be appreciated!
And I've hung the crocodile on my bag so I can bring it to school like darling isaaa baby does. Wenyong, are you honoured? We are nice de lo, we lovee the animal magnets you gave us so much we're bringing it with us everywhere we go. Hahhaaa.
I need to get some sleep before I die of exhaustion.
* Lin @ 0025 hrs
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Monday 120307
I don't know why I love sausages soooo much. But I really love love loveee sausages, especially those nice ones, those with cheese ones. I lovee Botakjones' giant beef hotdog because the casing snaps when you bite into it. Omgomg lahh, I can hear the sound and imagine myself biting into it now. I also love the onions that come with it. Omgomg, alot alot alot of onions covering the hotdog. I am almost in heaven lo.
My point is that I loveee sausages so much I only had them for my meals today. My chicken cheese cocktail sausages and german pork bratwurst. Wahhhh, yummy de lo.
That's not really the point too. Just moments ago I was feeling a little hungry cuz I only had sausages today and no rice. So I decided to boil some chicken cheese cocktails to satisfy my hunger. I don't know why I can't get enough of sausages. Okay, but that's not the point too. The point is about the cockroach who helped me lose/not gain weight!!!! I walked into the kitchen happily and switched on the light and the next thing I saw was the cockroach that ran past my feet yesterday!!!! It was there running around near the sink and I almost died lahh. So I ran into my parents' room and asked my dad to kill it. Okay, he did kill it, and I hope it'll never ever appear again! Same for its brother sister cousin whoever. Sighh, so my mood for boiling some sausages was killed. No more sausages no more supper, so maybe I'll get a slimmer me? Hahhaaa.
* Lin @ 0025 hrs
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Sunday 110307
I'm so fucking angry now I can kill someone.
Some fucking asshole stole my nike sports bra which my mum hung outside along the corridor. He freaking took a chair and stood on it to steal it from the bamboo. Go see a psychiatrist to treat your freaking fetishism. You better tread with care cuz I'm cursing you in whatever you do and if I ever get to know who you are, you be sure I'm going to kick your groin and make you regret ever being such a loser.
Fuck you for making my already shit day even more screwed up. That's my favorite hot pink sports bra and it's my only one left. Now I can't even go gymming anymore and you know how much I hate you for that.
* Lin @ 1454 hrs
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Saturday 100307
A cockroach ran past my feet when I was washing my cup in the kitchen!!!!!! :(((((((((((((((((((
My heart was beating so fast I thought it could drop out. I hate hate hate hate xiao qiangs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never want to step into the kitchen again!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhh, its legs were walking over my feet!!!! It's so gross so gross so so so soooooooo gross!!!!
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
* Lin @ 0102 hrs
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Friday 090307
Today is my mum's birthday. To prepare my stomach for dinner at Aston's, I slept in as late as I could and didn't eat anything for breakfast and lunch. Hahaa. Because I know dinner's going to be really sinful! And maybe this will make me feel better.
My mum made me laugh again today. When her food came, she took a glance and concluded that it was such a small portion it surely wouldn't be enough for her. So she told my dad to order another spaghetti so they could share. But I stopped her, cuz she hvn't even started on her food and she wanted another one?! Luckily she didn't order extra food lah, she almost couldn't finish hers and was complaining she was damn full. Tsk. Ohhh, I had my ieatsuperburger! Yummy lahh, the beef and bacon and cheese and strips of fried onions were good. And I cleaned it all up, except half of the top bun.
My brother is unfriendly de lo. He didn't split the bill with me so it was my treat. Okay lah, he did. It was $52.20, and he told me don't say he never chipped in, so he gave me $2.20!!! Win already lo. But okay lahh, I don't always pay for the meals anyway, so it's okay. He said he contributed by driving us there. Okay lorz.
Then in the car, the sun was really really blazing lah. I didn't know the setting sun could be so huge. Then I think my mum was sitting at an angle which made the sun shine into her eyes directly, so she was there "Wahh, the sun is so big my eyes could go blind lorz. The sun is really hen3 da4 today, really yi4 da4 li4 lorz. Why so late already the sun still hvn't set?" The yi4 da4 li4 really cracked me up lahh. I also thought of Wenyong. Hahahaa. I also bought tau kwa pau back, for my supper. Hahahaa.
* Lin @ 2039 hrs
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Thursday 080307
I finally managed to reach on time for my useless lecture today because there's a test. But the lecturer had to give the lecture first before letting us do the quiz so I was almost hating myself for being there so early. In the end I was just msn-ing away, mahjong-ing away, surfing the net and doing all the rubbish things other than listening to her.
I met Binbin, Min and Friend for dinner today and we went to Victor's Kitchen for dim sum! It was not bad lahh, I love dim sum when there's century egg porridge and my favorite HAR GAOOOOOOO!!! I love love love har gao de lo, especially when the prawns are those which could jump one. The chee cheong fun and carrot cake and glutinous rice were nice too. But I still love my har gao the best! We always don't have pictures of the food we eat cuz before we could even think of taking a picture, we would have started on the food and it would look too unglam for pictures anymore. Tsk.
And we went to have ice cream at Tom's Palette! We got the big tub with three flavors, chocolate, black sesame and summer berries. It was damn good lorz. The chocolate was so rich and creamy and sticky and chewy omg. And effectively, since we couldn't count Binbin into the picture cuz she eats soooooo little, the three of us finished the whole tub! Hahahaa, Min also can eat alot one lo. And that's very good! Hahaha. You must go out more often with us on food trips so we'll have one more person to share more varieties of food okay! I know you'll love it too. Hahahaa.
This is our ice cream. Not a very pretty sight cuz we only remembered about taking pictures halfway into eating our ice cream. And we really cleaned up the whole tub. Was horribly sinful. But since I don't drink much milk, the milk in the ice cream will substitute the calcium I need? Hmmm maybe.
Random photos. We love the mirror outside the ladies in Hotel Intercontinental! :))))
It's my mum's birthday tomorrow. Hope we'll really get to go to Aston's for dinner! Omg lorz.
* Lin @ 2351 hrs
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Wednesday 070307
I'm so happy because the two tests today are over and there's only one left tomorrow! But that is going to kill me so bad cuz I have either skipped the lesson, slept during the lesson, msn-ed during the lesson or just basically, stoned. And I really don't get the hell what the module is about seriously. But it's okay, I'll get through it, somehow.
Big monkey drove me home today so I was happy! And when his car reached my house, I saw my brother and told Mingming that was my brother. After being amazed by his physique and wondering if I was bluffing him, he unwound the window and called out 'Hello Daphy de gege!' Wahhh, paiseh until. Tsk. But it's okay, at least I've got a comfortable ride home!
My brother is so nice de lo, he told me there's cake in the fridge and when I opened it, omgomg I saw the cake box from Secret Recipe!! I hope it's the banana chocolate cake. Hahaa. Don't be jealous lo! Come my house and I'll share with you okay. That is, before I finish eating it. :))))
I'm always sleepy after school. And I didn't manage to wake up for my first morning lecture again! At this rate, I'll never go to any of them for the rest of the semester I think. I just can't seem to get out of bed and it's a wonder how I'm able to convince myself to just sleep in everytime. Hahahaa. And I can't be late for my useless class tomorrow cuz there's a test. Shit lo. But I hope the lecturer will end early, then Big Monkey will bring us all to eat lamp chop!!! Omgomg I want to eat something nice for lunch for a change!!! Because it's either I'm there but jinx the class so the lecturer wouldn't end early and we won't have time for nice food or, I'm just not there. Hahhaaa.
I had yummy tom yum soup for dinner. I loveee prawns and sotongs and taupoks and mushrooms and anything spicy and sour! If only my mum cooks nice food everyday lo. But it's okay lahh, I know she's busy. I'll still be as contented with porridge with giam chye and si suan cai and tau gei and bawang egg one!
And and and I love love love my Liverpool! Thank you for kicking Barca out and staying in the Champions League! I am happy de lo! :)))))
Ahhhh, I'm so random.
* Lin @ 1950 hrs
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Tuesday 060307
Today I saw Xiaowenn running for the bus at Boon Lay bus interchange, but he didn't manage to catch up with the bus, so it was quite funny de lo. Hahaa. But I almost couldn't recognize him, cuz I'm not used to the new hair color yet. Hahaa. And as usual I was half an hour late for my lecture again lahh. I think Xiaobin should feel happy that she doesn't have me as a lecture mate. Hahaa. That's why I realized the front pages of my lecture notes are always without any notes, because I will always not be in time for those lecture slides.
I'm tired and sleepy and it's raining so heavily. Why am I drinking milk now and not coffee!
Barca's match tonight but I can't watch, if not I'll die in school tomorrow during the two tests. :((((((
Go my baby Kuyt!
* Lin @ 1832 hrs
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Monday 050307
My brother made me a sinful person! I was happily studying when he told me I could eat the bread and ingredients that he bought earlier today. And so I had toasted foccacia bread with smoked ham and red cheddar. Damn it, it was so sinful cuz I almost finished using the whole packet of cheese. I loveee cheese so much I just kept adding it into the bread, trying to squeeze it in every space I could find. Omg lahh, midnight supper is how fattening and it totally negates all my calories burnt at the gym. Hahaha, but not as if the food we had at Alif hvn't done that yet. But it was amazingly yummy lahh. I make nice sandwiches okay. Even though my brother said it would kill him when I gave him half of the loaf, he finished it really quick anyway. Hahahaa. So it's really nice! Actually I think I could have finished all of it, without needing him to help me with half. Hahaa.
New year's over, no more mahjong no more card games. :(
I don't want school to start. I don't want to do those reports, those projects, those tests. :(
And I am still sad de lo. I can only pray now. Hahaa.
* Lin @ 0126 hrs
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Sunday 040307
I am very very very very sad de lo.
How can this happen, we don't deserve this! :((((((((((
* Lin @ 0306 hrs
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Saturday 030307
Binbinbin, I promised you this.
Your chinese poems in my lovely yellow poetic book, when you were fifteen.
至给你
在苍苍人海中
我寻找到你
从而，我为你掉泪,
为你奔波.
是你让我快乐
让我知道自己的存在.
每当你哭泣
我陪你伤心
你的一根寒毛
你的一丝微笑
能让我地动天摇
阿，我还以为这就是爱!
可是，我活得好累，好累
我好想倒下去,
一睡不醒,
离开这花花世界
但是我始终放不下,
因为你,
是你让我继续生存下去.
最后一秒里,
你选择离开我,
逃避我,
难道这就是爱吗?
我爱你那么多,
你却无动于衷,
或许这就是所谓的美丽解脱吧!
爱情
在爱情的无涯河里,
我不知不觉爱上你.
是你让我看到光芒
我很庆幸自己
能够在茫茫人海中
成为你唯一的视线...
让我们浓浓的爱沉进你我的心
让他在你心里开花放香
让他拉近我们之间的距离
让他成为世上最轰轰烈烈的奇迹...
带我飞吧...
带我到一个宁静的地方...
一个只有你我的地方...
我爱你,
你知道吗?
如果你知道,
那就带我走,
让我和你永远在一起...
Omg lahh, why did you write such poems last time! They are funny de lo, will zun one lehz. Hahaaa. But not bad lahh, you were the only one who had left markings in my book other than myself. And I was so emo last time I could puke. Hahaa. But, we were all young once.
My room is making me itchy de lo. I can't find the mosquitoes but I'm certain there are bugs lah! And my mum is threatening to remove all my poohs in my room because she thinks there's too many things in my room and that's why there are bugs. Whatever lahh, why must it be my precious poohs lorz.
Isaaa, I love to see you happy! And your photos aren't that bad, real person prettier also better what! Hope you'll win today ahh, since the rest all quite chui. Hahaaa. And Soon Soonn Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg, hvn't mentioned you in like 100000years. And I hvn't heard Xiaohuihui speak yet lah! All I know is that he is afraid of my hong zhong mahjong tile. Hahaa. But you must biao xian more then we can write more about you mahs. But don't worry, Xiaobin said she'll give you a title soon. Hahaa.
I don't want to study le lahh.
Liverpool - Manchester United later, omg lahh, what an exciting match. We must live in harmony later okay, cannot fight! But in Ahh Gongg's words, Liverpool owning man. Hahaa. I love you Kuytie pie!
* Lin @ 1326 hrs
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Thursday 010307
I'm in love with the nights.
I like it when everybody's asleep, when the sounds have stopped, when the air is still. I like to be alone, like that.
My favorite song of the moment, Lifehouse's Take Me Away, acoustic version. It's hell nice and it breaks the heart. I love the vocals and I love love love the bridge. It kills me listening to it over and over again, but it's still playing on the loop. So before I get sick of it, let me remember that I loved it so so much once. Hahahaa.
this time all I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let me stay here alone
this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
I'm yawning like crazy.
* Lin @ 0301 hrs
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Monday 260207
Okay, let's talk about about something happier then.
I was so sad today because there wasn't any food at home, and so I cooked maggie mee which made me even sadder cuz only sad people eat maggie mee. Hahaaa. Okay, not really. But then I opened the refrigerator and saw my savior! I realized the ice cream Mr Valentine and Mr CNY 2007 brought to my house is still in the freezer and so I started feasting on it. No wonder they said a tub of ice cream could cure anything, anything at all. But I didn't eat a tub lah, I just had a small bowl, but it made me happier loads. Hahahaa. So Wenyong, you are nice de lo!
Let's all jump around in happiness.
* Lin @ 1828 hrs
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Monday 260207
We all get lost once in a while, sometime by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.
I love love love reading books. Finally got started on this book and finished reading it in one night. Reading can be healing, it soothes and touches a part of one's soul deep down inside. But shit, time is always in the way.
Three tests next week after the break. I am so going to die. I can never finish studying, given my superb procrastination skills. Even my laptop is in front of me while my notes are on the table. How will this do?!
I'm tired tired tired. Let's just forget the world, shall we?
* Lin @ 1413 hrs
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Monday 190207
And I thought I didn't need company. But when there's company, all I want is to run away. As I shuffle between words of nonchalance, this sense of nonsensical contradiction overwhelms me.
What's wrong with all these fucking entries anyway.
Don't give me sugar-laced words, I don't need them.
* Lin @ 1708 hrs
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Sunday 180207
It's surreal, when the car moves along the road in the heavy rain, and when you get further, the rain becomes smaller, then there's only grey clouds, then it's a clear blue sky, and finally there's there sun shining brightly. It's like running away from the rain, and soon it falls behind you, as you move on faster and faster. But there's just so much in life, that you can run away from. The rest, will just be there.
My little niece is adorable, she raises her thigh, points to it and exclaims 'pig knuckles!' after my aunt taught her so. Hahaa. I loveee her.
* Lin @ 2312 hrs
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Sunday 180207
And when I turn back, there's nobody there.
I'm going crazy tonight, I don't know why. I need to cling onto something, desperately. Today was a terrible day, I didn't know why I felt so much like a wreck, but the tears threatened to fall so many times today for apparently no reason. And this makes me scared. My head is splitting, shouldn't have drank the Bailey's when I obviously know even a little alcohol will kill my head. I hate this feeling. It makes everything so much worse.
My tears are staining my keyboard.
* Lin @ 0112 hrs
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Thursday 150207
Everybody spoil market one lah. Everybody has thanked the guys, so I must do it too. Hee. No lahh, I really really appreciate what you all have done! Thank you Ah Gongg for the 'Nobody Knows I'm a Virgin' tag, it's on my mirror! Thank you Wenyong for the crocodile, but it's not like me lah, I'm not so fierce okay. Hahaaa. But you are nice lah, just as long as you don't bully me you're very very nice. So must keep it up okay! Thank you Friend for the Royce chocolates! And I love you all lahh, even though it's Valentine's Day, but I feel very blessed being able to spend it with you guys. But then the guys said we have to eat ourselves next year already, because they won't be able to spend it with us. Hahaa, good luck to you all then. We'll see how true that is huh. Let's go Botak Jones again soon, I know what's next on my list already! Hahaa.
Shouldn't have gone to school today, the two tutorials were seriously a waste of time. The only redeeming factor was that Rachel bought Famous Amos brownies and muffins for us. Omg lahh, they were damn good.
And please please, let's go somewhere next Saturday? My brother's going to have a huge steamboat gathering with his friends at my house, and I'll just die if I'm at home. There'll be so many people lahh. Let's go Soon Soonn Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg's house see Xiaohuihui drink Yakult! Anywhere will do lah, but please save me okay. Hahaa.
* Lin @ 1714 hrs
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Tuesday 130207
Late nights, struggles in waking up, lectures skipped, the guilt. I don't work well in the mornings and afternoons. Night, come quick. I suspect a lack of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain, hence the raging headaches that wouldn't cease. Caffeine makes it worse, no? But, it keeps me sane. We just need to find a compromise.
I'm looking forward to Chinese New Year only because of the temporary break from all things insane happening right now. But what's it really going to be like this year? I really don't know. It's going to be different, even empty this time round. I don't think the ngor hiangs will be made, I don't think the popiahs and kueh pa ti will be the same again. What about the bai guo lian zi yi mi sweet soup? Things that have been there always, since I've come to know things, things we have all taken for granted. How will it feel when we do realize they just wouldn't be there anymore? It just wouldn't be the same anymore without you, Grandma. The only thing I could do is to wish you happy new year on new year's eve at the temple, since I can't kneel and do that on new year's day anymore. I'm so used to kneeling and wishing both Grandpa and you happy new year I don't know how it'll feel like this year without you around.
I wish there wasn't Chinese New Year this year. I'm just looking forward to the second day where I could be in my own room and drown myself in stduying and using the computer. That's how it should be, because there's just no other way.
And I thought the tears wouldn't fall, anymore.
* Lin @ 1540 hrs
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Monday 120207
Sometimes, I wonder, how I ever came to be this way.
* Lin @ 1551 hrs
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Sunday 110207
Went to gym with Binbin today. Haiyo, why did I type that. Make me zun only. I realized I really suck at cycling, it makes my legs ache terribly and the machine just goes pedal faster!, or shuts down automatically because of inactivity. And I didn't go on the treadmill today because there wasn't a time when one was available lah. Let's go regularly okay Binbin, because the weighing machine revealed such horrifying numbers. Hahaha. And it feels good waking up earlier to actually do something constructive and have a proper breakfast/lunch. I love Alif's cheese prata and the Nasi Lemak, although it seems as if gyming is forever wasted if we go and eat after that. I think I will wake up to an aching body tomorrow again.
The sun was good today lah. We weren't sitting under the shelter at Alif's so the sun was shining so brightly on us I was hoping I would get a tan at the same time. Hahaa.
Binbin Binbin, let's go watch Protege soon okay. :)
* Lin @ 1425 hrs
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Saturday 100207
My mum went to town without me. Everybody went to town without me. She was on her way out when I realized she was wearing my NUM 'I'm a diver, I go really deep' tee. Haiyo, she took my clothes and hid them in her drawer huh, I didn't even know! But it's so inappropriate for her to wear it lah, I bet she didn't even read the words. Not that it's super appropriate for me, but it's not something someone of her age should wear! Nono, I won't let my mum wear it one lah. And she just got back with her La Senza purchases. Hahahaa, I've influenced her to be like me. But I suspect she takes one of my tees away now and then, cuz she wouldn't tell or ask me, unless I happen to see it on the ironing board coincidentally. Tsk. Luckily she takes those which I rarely wear anymore.
Let me just get through all these, and not falter.
* Lin @ 2202 hrs
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Saturday 100207
Studying at home always makes me more susceptible to feeling pissed off. My mum is moving the furniture around in my room so I'm studying in the living room with the sun in my eyes so much so that it pains my eyes horribly. My eyes can't take intense light of any sorts now, I don't know why, but I think they're slowly dying off. And I need my coffee but my house has none now. Damn it. Who finished all my Nescafe 2-in-1 coffee! It's mine lahh. :(
Damn tired damn tired, my eyes are dropping out everyday and I can't even open them properly now. They're getting smaller and smaller each day I'm afraid one day they'll just suddenly disappear. Biopsychology is shit ass difficult to study and I can't memorize a thing at all. Damn it. All the terms are hell of a chore to remember. Sighh.
Basil Alcove was really good I loved it can. And I love Rochor tau huay too. Hahahaa. I realized I have a weird liking for sausages. I love all the hotdogs at Botakjones and I had the Bratwurst sausage at Basil Alcove. Damn good okay. And I finally tried the donuts from Donuts Factory. Wahh, they're not bad lah, but it's a must to warm them in the microwave/oven first. Then it'll be like seriously yummy lah.
Everybody's out in town I'm damn sad. Okay okay back to studying. Sighh.
* Lin @ 1446 hrs
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Friday 020207
I think I've been eating too much these days I need to stop. But Aston's really love, the prime ribeye was damn good and I need to try the ieatsuper burger soon! But it's horribly far lahh damn it.
Some bug bit my right undereye yesterday and it swelled up terribly. I was horrified lah, but by morning it had gone down but the other eye started swelling up instead. It was like there was this huge lump of flesh under my eye. So I wore my shades to school because my eyes were seriously damn ugly. And just when that eye's swelling was going down, the other eye swelled up again. Damn it lah, I don't even know what's wrong with my eyes. So I walked around town in shades today, and everywhere was so dark. Sighh.
Cheerleading for Friend and Xiaowen on Sunday. Hahahaa. Okay, actually they would prefer not having/seeing/hearing us there? No lahh, I just hope the sun will shine sexily that day and I'll be contented with my tanning. No time for other things. Hahaha. God I miss Sentosa lah.
Then, I realized I have nothing more to talk about. I'm losing the mood to blog again. There's nothing much to say anyway. School day after day, the only thing I could look forward to is our dinners on weekends sometimes.
So my eyes are still swollen and it's really as if they are going to drop out anytime. It really feels like I've cried for many days and nights cuz it's horribly painful.
Time for darling Scofield.
* Lin @ 0025 hrs
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Tuesday 230107
Some things, are there but we don't acknowledge it. We pretend we don't see it, don't know it, but we very well know what's going on. I see it, I know it, but I don't acknowledge it. I seemed to have learned to put on this front I depend on so much these days, though I have to say that most of the times, I am really, truly happy when I seemed like so. Now I go through my days being more confused, wondering if I'm really thinking what I'm thinking, feeling what I'm feeling.
As much as I've learned to be more open, more acceptable and more easygoing, I've also realized that I have a greater capacity in me to put on a pretense whenever I want. And now as I stop in my tracks to think for a bit, everything seems to go on a reverse and I'm plugged in a place where I just, don't know what to do anymore.
I've never liked questioning myself. The more I do it, the more unsure I get, then I'll just reach a stage when I'll just give up and not care. I can only hope, that what I've done is right. And it kills me to realize my inherent flaws. Those, that no matter how hard I try, I still can't change, or get past, as yet.
It's funny, how sometimes we communicate, without acknowledging.
But, your words, they choke me.
* Lin @ 0112 hrs
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Wednesday 170107
I ate a one-foot long subway sandwich for lunch/dinner today! I was so hungry I just had to order it lah, I knew it may be too much, but the six-inch one definitely wouldn't suffice. But it's okay, that's my only meal of the day and I couldn't help it, I only ate my first meal at like five plus in the afternoon! I thought I would die of hunger. And it was soooo good I finished everything! Omg lah, I felt like ten kilos heavier after that. But subway is healthy, so it's all good. Hahahaa.
And we stayed at JP until like ten plus lahh, cuz we had a huge project to complete. And I was so sad cuz I stained my white top with coffee and I needed to bathe so much after a long day in school with only one lecture? Hahahaa. It's time to plan what lectures to skip already. Early and long long day tomorrow. I think I can cry. Sighh.
* Lin @ 0057 hrs
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Monday 150107
The new semester has started so I feel nothing but sleepiness everyday. It kills me to get up for lessons every morning or even afternoon, and when I get back home, all I want to do is to sleep. Hahahaa. My eyes are closing now already.
My laptop keyboard went crazy that day and when some letters are pressed, numbers came out instead. And I was really very sad cuz I use my laptop everyday and it's everything to me lah. I absolutely need to lie on the bed and use the computer. Now, I sit on this pretty pink chair typing away using my desktop and it sucks. I must sit up straight and my back's breaking and my neck and shoulders' aching.
So I brought my laptop to the computer centre in school today for repairs. And the damn problem with the laptop was that the Num Lock was on! I seriously felt like an idiot when the guy told me that lah! But he was damn nice lah, told me not to worry and it's a very common problem. Hahaa. And since the startup was quite slow, he was nice enough to tell me to leave my laptop there and he'll help me reformat it. Since I've lugged it all the way to school, I might as well let him do something to it to make my trip justified. But I'll have to reinstall everything and transfer all my files from my desktop to my laptop again using my 256mb thumbdrive. It'll take ten years lahh. And all my msn emoticons will be gone! That is the saddest thing of all okay. So next time if you talk to me on msn, please donate some nice ones to me okay. Hahahaa.
I need to try hard not to fall asleep!
* Lin @ 1628 hrs
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Tuesday 090107
That day, Min passed me some durians in those kind of brown paper bags. So as I was walking back home, I heard a thud and felt that the bag was suddenly lighter. Then I realized that the bag was torn open by the weight of the durians and one damn durian was on the floor! I almost died lah. I was alone and in the middle of the pavement and I bet everybody was looking at me. Before that, I could feel people looking at me while I was lugging the bag already. Maybe they thought it was a bomb or something. Hahaha. So I had no choice but to squat down, try to put the durian back into the bag and carry everything in my arms. Luckily the bag is not thin so I can still manage to carry it without feeling the pricks of the durians. I was so flustered it took quite some time lah. I had to carry everything to the side so that I could arrange everything properly to make sure the durians would not fall out again. And nobody came to help me! So horrible. Damn throw face can. The other time when Min passed me durians I think the plastic bag got torn too! Haiyooo. Next time put in gunny sack okay? Hahhaa.
Tomorrow's the start of school. And my modules still aren't confirmed yet. My psychology modules do not seem very interesting this semester but basically, this semester won't be fun lahh. I don't want to go to school! I'll miss this holidays damn much lah, seriously. And I bet you guys know it. I'll miss all of you all! Not that we can't meet up still, but everybody will be more busy and when school starts, I usually will be too lazy to go out. Hahhaa. I hope I don't start skipping school too soon or too often this semester.
I don't want to sleep so early tonight so tomorrow won't come so fast. Wo shi sad de lo. (Soon Soonn Kwangg Kwangg Kwanggg, see you influenced me into speaking this way. Hahhaaa.)
* Lin @ 0044 hrs
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Thursday 040107
YAWN. I'm damn tired I don't know why. Can't seem to get my ass off the bed now. Went to CSC in the morning with Min to tan but the sun was barely there. Then we went to the drift pool and I walked around in there and tried to pretend I was swimming while holding on to the sides. Hahhaaa. What else can I do since I can't swim lah. Then we took the slide which made me squeal for Min and I thought my life was going to end at the moment when I sink into the water. And I breathed in water again which burnt my nose and throat horribly. But the afternoon sun came out after that and I managed to tan for a bit. And my face is sunburnt I don't know why either.
Had lunch at Stonegrill on New Year's Day with my family. Eh, was it New Year's Day? Ahh, I can't really remember anymore cuz I keep eating so much everyday I'm mixing everything up. It isn't too bad but it's pretty expensive. But Katong seems to have ALOT of good food. Let's go there one day? But it's hell far lah. Hahhaaa.
I love my room lights. My brother asked me one day why I had Deepavali lights in my room. I think it's pretty nice, I like it. Hahhaaa.
* Lin @ 2319 hrs
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Monday 010107
Happy New Year!
I hvn't blogged in ages lahh. Been busy and I've just kind of lost the momentum. It has always been like that, once I get that feel, I'll just feel the urge to write everyday. If not, it'll be like gaps for months.
I think I had the best holiday ever, seriously, thanks to all of you. Bangkok was wonderful, actually anywhere with friends will surely be fun lah. Thank you to the guys for taking care of us! Had lots of fun shopping, being on the ferris wheel, eating all the damn good and cheap food. I miss the roadside uncle's beehoon soup, the bbq roadside stall near our guesthouse, the damn good breakfast the guys bought for us and Dunkin' Donuts! I love you all lahh. Let's go on short trips every now and then okay? Hahhaaa.
Although it's a little late, Happy Birthday Xiaobin! Sorry sorry, had to see you every other day, or rather, everyday, so I had no time to blog. Hahaaa. So I'll dedicate this to you now okay. Hope you had a wonderful birthday celebration with us, are you touched that so many people shared your present? Hahahaa. And I'm still damn sad the cake surprise flopped lahh. Next time feign ignorance okay? But I love your birthday lah, you know why? Cuz I got to wear my pretty dress. Hahahaa. You're finally twenty, when all of us are already nearing twenty one. Love you lah okay, and I'm really glad we got closer during this period. We were close, but weren't this close before, and I'm thankful I have someone to say things to now. Or rather, there seems to be a number of people I can tell things to these days. I've never truly known how it is really better to say things out rather than cooping them inside oneself. Or maybe I've just learned to be more open and share things now. Or maybe I'm just more friendly and sociable now. But sometimes I feel that it must not be easy to be in a position where you have to always somehow be the mediator and hear from both sides? Maybe it stresses or even tires you out. I still appreciate it though, for everything you've done and the time you have taken to listen to me. I think you can never run away from this role lah, people naturally run to you to confide in you. Hahhaaa. Haiyo, you took up such a huge chunk of my space. Love youu!
Christmas Eve was spent at Soon Soon Kwangg Kwangg Kwanggg's house with steamboat, mahjong and card games. Thank you for letting us mess up your house okay, I love your parrots! I think I died eating all the food that was there lah.
Vonnn, thanks for the chalet and buffet! We went fishing in the night till early morning but only Willie caught a fish. We are damn lousy lah. The fish keep eating off our baits. The boss was damn nice, he gave us three free fish. Hahahaa. In the end we were so hungry we had to have cup noodles there, and we had a wonderful heart to heart talk? Hahhaaa.
And it's already past three in the morning now. Spent New Year's Eve with the same bunch of people again. We had dinner at the fish head beehoon shop and then dessert at Liang Seah Street. Then we went to TCC to just chill and talk. What is there to talk with the people you keep meeting up with these days? Hahhaaa.
Think we are really getting old. We avoid countdowns, places with many many people during festive occasions and are just contented with somewhere to sit and eat. Our conversations revolve around marriage and the like. I'm almost sad that school's starting really soon, which means it'll be really busy for everybody and we won't get the chance to meet up as often anymore. And I don't want to study lah, I'm feeling damn lazy these days I don't want to do anything constructive. Hahaaa. But I really love you guys lahh. Alot, alot!
I seem to have no more secrets these days. Why do I tell people like, everything now? Sleepovers are a trap too, you'll unwittingly say out everything. Hahhaaa.
* Lin @ 0314 hrs
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Monday 271106
I can't study LAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
It's raining again, why is it raining everyday?
Can it not rain when I'm alone at home?
Please do not let the electricity trip again.
Sudden blackouts make my heart drop.
I think I have an anxiety disorder.
And my face allergy is still not fully healed yet.
Bloody hell it's irritating the hell out of me and making me develop depressive symptoms.
* Lin @ 1421 hrs
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Sunday 261106
We'll all get on fine, somehow.
I can't wait for the examinations to be over. It's always like this, when there's a huge gap before the last paper. I can't concentrate, can't focus, can't get down to proper studying. I'll just be talking to people online randomly, walking around the house, listening to songs and doing other useless stuff. Just let it be over, I need a break from all these. My brain has been on full alert during this period with so many things happening concurrently I think I killed many many brain cells. My days and nights are swapped and I want to be able to sleep normally again. Sometimes everything merges together that I can't even make out what day it is anymore.
Woke up early yesterday for prayers at the temple where my grandma's tablet or whatever you call that will be placed. Then we had a really huge vegetarian meal at a restaurant at Geylang Lorong 11. I think that particular restaurant serves the best vegetarian food among others which I've tried so far. Everything is like so real and so yummy lah. In any case, I've never been a huge fan of meat. Hahaa. Came back home and dozed off because of the late late night of studying the day before. And my brother forced us down to Vivocity in the evening. While he worked out at the gym, my mummy and I went shopping and we bought like four bottoms and two tops in a span of like an hour?! We had barely covered one-fifth of the shops and my brother was already rushing us for dinner. Hahahaa. And I only went into Forever21 for like five minutes and he rushed me out too. Horribly saddening. I mean, I need at least one hour in the shop lah! Luckily dinner was satisfying. Bak Kut Teh at Food Republic and the thick toast from Toast Box was wonderful. So strictly speaking, I wasted the whole of yesterday in the sense that I did zero studying. Sighh.
And in all randomness, I'm so happy Liverpool won the last two matches. My husband played well lahh, especially loved it when he teams up with Crouchie baby. Hahahaa. And no no, I'm not a self-deluded individual. Home matches at Anfield are good, but when it comes to away matches, tsk. Somebody should seriously do something about the yellow-red macdonalds jersey. A real jinx man.
* Lin @ 1552 hrs
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Friday 241106
I've never been wonderful with words, and I've never been good at comforting people. But Yvonne, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I do believe you understand how I feel right now, and in the same way, I do understand the pain, loss and agony you're going through too. I'm sorry for not being able to be there with you physically, to give you a hug and tell you everything's going to be alright.
You don't have to stop the tears from falling, you don't have to stop yourself from feeling sad, because now I truly understand these are far more difficult to achieve than I have ever imagined. Be strong sounds like a joke to me when people tell me that, I don't see how putting on a strong front is in any way better. Cry, if it makes you feel better. But please take care of yourself okay? I know it sucks that the examinations are amidst everything that's happening right now, but study hard too okay? I believe we'll get through all these just fine.
And I believe, they're much happier up there now. I'll remember to ask my Grandma to look out for little Verner.
* Lin @ 1420 hrs
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Thursday 231106
Today was the last day of the wake. People came and went, offering the final condolences and to look at grandma for the last time. I kept vigil the previous night, treasuring the very last time I could ever be this close to grandma again. I thought my heart could break while running my hands along the coffin, so much hoping to see her face once more. But it was sealed, and the only thing I could do was to lay my head close to it, as if hoping she would still talk to me, somehow.
The crematorium's the coldest, scariest place ever. It was basically empty, except for us. We chanted as we walked around the coffin for the very last time and at the instance when we were told we weren't going return there anymore, everybody couldn't stop their tears from falling. It meant that once we step out of the hall, we weren't going to have the chance to be so near to grandma anymore. And the viewing hall literally killed all of us. As the coffin moved closer and closer to the incinerator, my tears fell faster, harder. And then we couldn't see the coffin anymore. My heart really broke at realizing how we had really sent grandma off, this time for sure, she was gone. Somehow, the days she lain in the sealed up coffin offered some comfort in the sense that she was still there with us. We could still walk up next to her, talk to her. But the cremation seemed to have ended everything. When we returned to the place where the wake was held, I couldn't help but feel a sense of emptiness and loss looking at how sparse the area looked.
Looking at the past family photos, I could still feel my heart wrenching and how unreal everything still seems although it has been days. I'm still not used that grandma's not around anymore. I know, people must always move on. There are other things to be done, other people to care about. But the sadness can't be wiped away just like that.
My tears always well up at the thought of you, grandma. I really miss you.
And my face allergy's back, causing me to run a fever, my nose's stuck, my head's throbbing and my eyes are painful beyond measure.
* Lin @ 2151 hrs
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Monday 201106
And then, it was the end.
The one phonecall I was almost growing an intense fear of came, and we rushed down in the rain, knelt by her bedside and chanted for her. I almost couldn't keep my palms together while I prayed, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'm sorry for not being able to keep vigilance by you till morning, I had so much wanted to be there, be able to look at you and touch your face for the very last time. I almost hated myself for having a paper the next morning. But I chose to believe what everyone else said, that you would have wanted me to be home to focus on my preparations and be well rested for the paper. I had you in my thoughts through the night.
Thank you for everything you have done for me, really. Caring for me unconditionally, in every way possible when I lived with you for the few years, and of course, everyday since I was born. I'll miss your smile, the look on your face when I'm back from school and how you always made sure I had enough to eat. All the wonderful meals, tonics during examinations and all the love. You had aways been the one who bonded the family together, who brought us all together during festive occasions.
The heartache is evidently acute, but in some way or another, the relief is there too, for us to see you finally being free of the sufferings and pain. You have truly been a fighter, surpassing all the limits being told to us. I hope you find comfort in the fact that everyone was there with you, from Grandpa to your great grand children. We all love you, alot.
Somehow, sometimes when I think about it, everything seems so unreal. It's weird thinking that you're not here with us anymore, that you wouldn't be there for the new year, and every following new year. I try so hard to keep back my tears thinking about this and all the happy times in the past.
I hope you're in a better place now. Don't worry, we'll take care of Grandpa. We'll take care of ourselves too. You'll certainly not be forgotten, but be missed by all of us who love you, so much.
I love you, Grandma.
* Lin @ 1636 hrs
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Friday 171106
The coffee seems especially bitter today.
And when the stress gets to me, I start popping pills. Vitamin c pills, some brain supplement pills, muscle relaxer pills, painkillers, and if only there were caffeine pills here. I'm tired of drinking coffee, it makes me full and full of pee as well. Hahahaa.
The past few days had been hell, seriously. I never knew bad things could happen at the same time, all together. I was almost afraid to breathe. And I realized I have the tendency to use anger to cope with stress and other things. Seems to be the easiest way for me. The following days will certainly not be easy too, with everything going on.
Now I clearly understand the effects of somatization. All my psychological problems are being presented in the physiological forms; headaches, migraines, eye pain, stomachaches and random nauseating feelings in the middle of meals.
God, I'm so drugged I hope they don't clash and start fighting each other. I need some valium.
* Lin @ 1700 hrs
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Wednesday 151106
Sad songs kill me so much, and I almost hate myself for letting them tempt me into rewatching some scenes of the show, AGAIN. It's a vicious cycle, and my eyes are once again, red and puffy and ugly. Thank god I don't have to face the world as yet.
Now, it almost seems as if the end's nearing. But we never do give up, do we? There's always many many times when we think it's the end, but it ends up not being the end at all. Countless instances, no? Yes, I think so. I hope so. But it's certainly not going to be easy.
I hate myself for the screwed up circadian biological clock. Five am days everyday this past week is going to tear me apart anytime soon. But all I can achieve in the mornings/afternoons are always just walking around the house, idling, finding everything else to do other than to get down to studying proper. Maybe it's the sun, maybe it's the noise. And it's surreal, when the birds start chirping and you hear the trains moving along the tracks just before you tuck yourself into bed.
But I am so tired, so tired, and I so want to get out of this. And I hope I'm not getting myself into a mess I could not possibly get out of easily. Seriously, there's something really wrong with me, you know? And I can't find a way around it as yet.
It's funny how fragmented one's thoughts can be in the dead hours of the night/wee hours of the morning. Suddenly I feel this overwhelming urge to divulge everything, like seriously, EVERYTHING. But then, it's always that something which comes at the last minute, pulling me back. So it's just going to end as that.
Let's get back to Cognitive Psychology, shall we.
* Lin @ 0358 hrs
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Wednesday 081106
My two favorite men at the moment.
Everybody please support Dirk Kuyt and Liverpool!
Everybody please catch hot Wentworth Miller in Prison Break!
Hahahaa.
* Lin @ 1901 hrs
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Friday 031106
Hell to the amount of junk food I've accumulated in my body over the past few days. Packets of Kettle Chips, some other obscure brand of chips, Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, chocolate cream puffs, Marks & Spencers's chocolate chip cookies, blah blah blah. No wonder they say you stuff yourself when you're in a bad mood. It sucks, I tell you.
I was trying hard to hide behind my laptop screen, with the earphones plugged into my ears, hoping that Prison Break will drown the sounds from One Litre of Tears that was coming from my desktop. I've finally gotten my mummy started on it too. Hahahaa. It's a good thing, but I don't want to start crying all over again. It's no easy feat, both crying and trying not to cry. And I've wiped out Prison Break, in like three nights?! Damn it, sometimes I'm such an addict I can't even control myself. When I get hooked, I get hooked, terribly. But Season One hangs at such an unbearable juncture I can't wait to get started on the next one.
But hello, it's time to wake up and get started on that project. And it's amazing isn't it, finals are just less than two weeks away. Damn it.
And I've been weird, I know. Can't help it.
* Lin @ 1552 hrs
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Wednesday 011106
It seems as if things are going to repeat again. Overnight stays, missing people at home in the night. This whole cycle is so going to freak me out again. I don't like to come home to an empty house. I don't like to wake up after a nap and realize it's already all dark, but nobody's home yet. I hate it when it's late, but all I can hear is myself typing away on the laptop. I don't like it when people tell me they have family dinners. I don't like it when I'm sitting alone at the dining table, eating by myself. I don't like the feeling of being hungry, but there's nothing I can find in the house to curb my hunger. But I also don't like it when it's bustling outside, with people walking around, doing their stuff. I like to close my door and shut everybody out. Now, I don't even know whether I want to be alone or to be with people.
Somehow, I feel lost tonight. It's hard to describe, but the feeling just comes out from a somewhere I don't even know of. I feel like doing everything, anything other than things I need, have and should do. I want to crawl back into my world of Prison Break, live in it, and hope that tomorrow never comes. It's not easy fighting an addiction.
* Lin @ 0010 hrs
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Monday 301006
Seriously, I broke my eye vessels watching One Litre of Tears (yes rebecca you were right!). Watching it for three consecutive nights killed my eyes, I woke up with painful, swollen eyes the next morning. I mean, afternoon. I hvn't cried so much, for so long before. I was literally crying throughout all the episodes, and it's not those type when you can stare at the screen, keep a straight face and let the tears flow. I was like sobbing, weeping and with my head on the table. It wasn't just sad, it was purely heartbreaking. I was almost afraid my mum could actually hear me crying and come running into my room. That's why I watched it very late into the night. I would be shy to let people see me crying so badly. Hahahaa. And now I've finished it, I feel so empty suddenly. Seems as if something's missing. My heart wrenches even at the thought of the show, and when I rewatched some scenes, I almost couldn't believe it, but I cried all over again. Even hearing the songs played in the show makes me wanna die all over again.
Everybody should watch it, seriously. It would be ultimate regret in your life if you don't! And if you don't cry while watching it, basically you're not human lahh. Now I need to recuperate and rehydrate after flooding my room with one litre of tears. Hahaaa.
My heart is still bloody aching lah. Tsk.
* Lin @ 1420 hrs
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Monday 231006
I'm fucking scared of thunder when I'm alone at home. I think I'm going to have a panic attack.
And I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I keep reading and re-reading points, feeling as if I can't remember any of them. This will be never-ending. Arghh.
* Lin @ 1618 hrs
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Tuesday 171006
Kettle chips are an indecent obsession. I finally finished the last packet which was lying around my table. No more temptation! But I shall go replenish them soon. Hahahaa.
My eyes hurt so much, and the headache just wouldn't go away.
My days cannot end at 3am everyday!! So I shall just go sleep now.
I have to wake up really really early tomorrow. Can I at least skip the afternoon's lesson then? Sighh.
I want Dunkin' Donuts! :(
Goodness, why are my thoughts so scattered tonight. Tsk.
* Lin @ 0204 hrs
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Monday 161006
I'm so screwed for tomorrow's test. Tsk.
And I really really hate sunflowers lah. They are really the ugliest flowers ever. First is the big round dark brown I-don't-know-what-you-call-that in the middle, which looks damn horrible and just gives me the creeps. And the petals are yellow, yellow is really very non-endearing. I don't feel sunny looking at it at all.
So don't ever give me sunflowers ah! I'll kick you down the river.
* Lin @ 0019 hrs
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Sunday 151006
Hazy hazy hazy, just like my mind, heart, everything.
Hahahaa.
Resolution of the day: I shall not sit like a man, with one leg over the other, parallel to the ground. And no attempts at even shaking it please.
P/S: Resolutions are usually impossible to achieve. Tsk.
* Lin @ 1355 hrs
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Sunday 151006
My mum is the funniest #2: Girl ahh, you want to eat this plum (some health food she got from don't know where)? You'll become slim after eating this you know. Cuz you'll let go of everything in your stomach in the morning.
Me: Don't want lahh.
Mum: Eat lah, will become skinny one you know.
Thank you huh mummy.
My mum is the funniest #3: One day she walks into my room, took a glance at my big collection of pooh and decided that it was time for them to take a bath. Blah blah they went churning in the washing machine and the next time I saw them, they were all lined up on the living room floor, facing the window.
Me: Ehh mummy, cute ah, they are all sitting together like that.
Mum: Yah lorz, they are all looking at the moon.
Errrr.
My mum is the funniest #4: Hello girl ah, where are you? Will you be home late tonight?
Me: Why? Shouldn't be too late lah.
Mum: Oh no lah, daddy's overseas what, and your brother's not coming home tonight, so...
Me: Ohh you're scared ah, hahaaa, okay lah, I'll come home early to accompany you okay. Don't worry.
Mum: Hahahaa, no lahh.
Okay, may not be that funny, but it's damn funny to me lah! And the most stupidest thing happened to me today. I was going for my haircut alone before meeting the girls, so I was walking on the open area between Scotts and Far East. Then suddenly, my right heel just got stuck in I don't know what damn hole in the ground, and the next thing I knew, my whole right foot was on the ground cuz obviously I took a step forward, but this time without the heel lah. Then I actually had to turn around, bend down, grab the heel out of the damn hole, put it in front of me and well, wear it. Bloody embarrassing lah. I had to act busy and look at my watch and walk off hurriedly as if I was late for something. Tsk. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Kind of reminded of the time when I was still in SAJC, one side of my sports shoe just flew to don't know where when I kicked a soccer ball. Bloody throw face too.
My eyes are damn tired now I swear they'll drop out any moment. This is the von syndrome.
* Lin @ 0123 hrs
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Friday 131006
I can't seem to finish studying for my test at all. Cognitive Psychology is really shitass difficult. So bloody scientific and dry it kills me. I keep skipping random classes these days. And even if I go, I'll just end up sleeping in class. That's why you should never ever sit beside someone who dozes off too. Hahahaa, once I see Ming falling asleep, I'll do the same too. And that day in lecture, I actually found such a perfect spot of my forehead resting on my arm I totally concussed lah. I don't know why no matter how many hours of sleep I get, I'll still feel sleepy and unrested. What the hell.
Tomorrow better be a good day, and I'm gonna be so so broke. Sighh. I'm going to cut my hair tomorrow before meeting my darling von and the prospect of being able to get a hair cut makes me damn happy. Hahaaa. My hair irritates the hell out of me. Tsk.
And I loveeee Dunkin' Donuts lahh. Gonna finish up the rest later. Why don't they have it in in Singapore lahhh. :(
And tagboard is so screwed.
* Lin @ 1413 hrs
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Wednesday 111006
I am so bloody hungry now I can cry. :(
* Lin @ 0046 hrs
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Saturday 071006
Mid-autumn festival was wonderful, despite the terrible haze and the yellow moon. I love you guys lah. Hahaa. Whenever I go out these days, I almost always never want the day to come to an end. I want to go as far as possible, stay out as late as possible. It's as if I'm too afraid for the next day to come.
I must learn to grasp hold of things before they slip away. How many times have I let things disappear even though they are just right in front of me? My myopic view of the past, how one-track my mind could get sometimes. When I see something, want something, I'll just focus on that and neglect everything, anything beside me. I never ever did care much about the consequences, that's why now there's regrets in my life more than anything else.
But, I'm not like that anymore, right? Maybe, you could tell me.
* Lin @ 1436 hrs
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Friday 061006
Xiaobin is there in school, eating MY laksa yong tau foo now while I'm just stuck at home having Milk & Berry Stars + Cookie Crisp + milk for brunch. I hate you lahhhhh. =(
I can't seem to start on anything academicaly constructive now. Sigh. I shall just curl up in my bed and start on another book.
What are the tears in my eyes for?
* Lin @ 1400 hrs
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Thursday 051006
Yayy my cinematic's test over. Hvn't wrote so much manually(think pen and paper) in the longest of time. Squeezed all my squirmy words into six pages, just what crap did I write?
My mum is the funniest. I was commenting casually to her that we didn't actually have alot of mooncakes to eat this year and that not many people bought and shared theirs with us. (cuz usually my aunts would buy this and that or whoever will give them as gifts and we'll get to have some too) Then she was saying, yeah, my boss didn't get me any, your brother's girlfriend (the ex, cuz she bought some for us before) didn't get us any and you lah, if you have a boyfriend then he'll get some for us too. I was literally rolling my eyes lah. Where's the link?! So I should get a boyfriend just for some mooncakes? Hahahaa. Don't want lah. I'll buy some for you lah okay, when I feel less broke that is. Next year! Hahahaa.
And we did grocery shopping today. I absolutely love being in supermarkets. I got Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, Doritos Cheesy Nachos and you know the Nestle's Honey Stars that everybody loved since many many years ago? Omg they came up with a new flavor! Milk & Berry Stars! The box was so pretty, with pink and yellow stars and shiny shiny wordings. It was so tempting I just threw one packet into the basket. Hahahaha. Go get it, it's so pretty!
* Lin @ 2143 hrs
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Wednesday 041006
Finally, one project and one test over. The damn project literally killed all of us. Knowing us, we started at the very last minute, so I ended up reaching home at like two plus in the morning for the last two days before presentation day. And we all fell asleep in the canteen following it while trying to study for the test on the very same day. Severe lack of sleep lah, and I seriously had the most undisturbed sleep yesterday night. That over, three more mid-term tests, one project and one essay to go. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to finish studying/doing all that but I know I have got to start studying for the test I have tomorrow first. Arghhh.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a damn good movie, I don't know why it took me so long to finally watch it. It is brilliant, but so damn sad. I've always thought it would be good if I could erase my memories. I really thought I wouldn't mind, and why wouldn't it be for the better? But perhaps not. Remembering may be hard, but forgetting is even sadder.
"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...".
Would you erase me?
* Lin @ 1954hrs
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