I wish I could have put in better words how I feel for the victims. Instead, I bring to my blog a song written by Sara Mamman, a close friend of mine who verbalizes the anguish we all feel over the tragedy.

Until The Last Teardrop Falls

It begins like any other day
Awake, awake once more
No one thinks that it may end today;
The calm beyond the shore
Without warning, lives are stolen
By the trident of the sea
Chilling is the deathly whispers
Of our frail humanity
For this tragedy, our prayers cross the sea

When the silence is unbroken
And when nations are on their knees
When people shake with terror
At security that flees
May they find their consolation
In the dawn after the dark
May their spirits rest assured
May faith in hearts be sparked
It is not over until the last teardrop falls

Amidst the sobbing and the grieving
Anger wells to fill their loss
But the impulse is deceiving,
Spreading wild without a cause
In these times of desperation
May their hearts be reached by love
May they realise that their sorrows
Are not sent from heaven above
For this tragedy, our prayers cross the sea

When the silence is unbroken
And when nations are on their knees
When people shake with terror
At security that flees
May they find their consolation
In the dawn before the dark
May their spirits rest assured
May faith in hearts be sparked
It is not over until the last teardrop falls

Heavy burdened with great sadness
We lay their troubles at Your feet
Please watch them and protect them
Grant them taste relief so sweet
For this tragedy, our prayers cross the sea

"It's dedicated to the family and friends of the people lost to the recent earthquake/tsunami disaster." ~ Sara Mamman.

      God, it was not Your anger against the world. Comfort those who are experiencing the nightmare every waking morning. You are in control. A God so loving as You would not have willed for such a thing to happen. Instead You share our pain and anguish of separation from loved ones. Emmanuel - God among us - dwell in our hearts in this dark moment.

[thoughts at 1am 27th December, 2004]

      I went through the darkest nights of my entire life. I was finally at the turning point where I would either choose to continue to believe in God or desert World Harvest Church and God. After almost 3 weeks of waiting for an answer... I still didn't hear from God about why my finger is the way it is. Why have I been living in a state of virtually NO purpose? I used to have a constant awareness of You, I used to see the light and feel assured.

      You've reduced me to zero in this year. I lost a best friend so I could learn to depend on You for the best friendship. I took on the challenge to go into writing and not science to live out my calling. I've been disciplined so much in finances that I don't even have the 50cents in my purse anymore. I have only 16cents now to trust You for providence. You've shown me the imperfections of things and people around me to remind me that there is none like You. But never, Oh God, NEVER... have you left me now to wait for three weeks and plod on to wait for an answer... ANY answer calling out from the dark. Instead, I see lies around me. I see more things that question my faith, more things that make me want to give up waiting.

      God, You can reduce me to zero... You can pour on challenges that I know I can handle. But pray do not leave me dry and alone in the dust. I can't hold on if You're not there holding me in Your arms. What happened to that conviction You once enveloped me in? Like a shroud that suddenly lifted, I see the ugliness around me and I am helpless to the world's assaults.

[thoughts at 9am 27th December, 2004]

      I read the news today. God, 7000 people? Why? Why did they have to die? I couldn't believe it, people were injured, killed, more were missing. Buried under mud, caked in to die, water drowning lungs of children... it was a chilling reminder just how fragile we are despite our advanced technology. We were still no match for nature's onslaught. But God, surely it is not from You? Surely You felt equally pained to see Your creations be hurt. Where were You? That question couldn't help ring through my ears, I imagine many people crying up to heaven, "Why?!"

      Then my eyes fell on the report. A grandmother had just lost her children and grandchildren. She cried out, "I am cursed with long life!" wailing at her devastating loss. You spoke then... You who came into our world, "...I have come that they may have life abundantly...", "Be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world...", "You will walk through fire and not be burnt...", "I call you friends...", "My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?"

      You were there, God. You were there when the waves hit. You were there among the volunteers who tried relentlessly to save those they could save. You mourned with those who mourned. You comforted those who needed comforting. You were there. You were there. You were there.

      God, You are in me. You gave me these feelings of sadness for the victims. You were in me all the while. Were You quiet? Why were You quiet? It is no longer fitting for me to ask such questions. I will be still and know You are God. Thy servant will stand and wait for Your call when it is fitting to be called.

      God, forgive me if I said I wanted to abandon everything. I realise now that try as hard as I can, I just can't forget You. I just can't leave You. Though I may wrestle in the dust and ashes and be discouraged, I will still praise You and love You.

      God, You never left, did You? Thanks for the humbling lesson.

    Just when you thought you'd have some hope, he walks in with her. He walks in with her. You wonder what in the world possessed yourself to even have fantasies that were impossible to begin with.

    You act like the courteous friend you are. He's looking for your approval because your his good and somewhat close friend. Wake up call! He's your good friend, what were you thinking of?

    You're genuinely happy for him because if he were with you, you wouldn't look like the perfect couple. You can joke with him, talk about serious stuff with him, hear his problems and troubles, but you just can't in other areas. It's a fact that someone has to accept the fact and guess who's then lucky person? Y-O-U.

    He walks in with her. He walks in with her. You smile and smirk at the teasing he gets from your other friends. You chuckle at the well-meaning glances he gives her and the others. You finally wave at him and her as they enter the hall together. You just waved goodbye to him. You said goodbye to him. What a life it is.

    You're happy and you're sad. You're sad and you're happy. It's probably going to take some time to adjust. He's going to stop calling you so often. He's going to lessen the jokes and chats. But it's all right, isn't it?

    Liar.

    Okay... it's just a humble attempt at writing something secular. I wonder if it's all right. Let me know, people?

    I was basically having a nauseous time on Christmas eve because was having a 2day migraine-marathon thanks to frying my brains with adjudicating pre-Worlds for the 23rd and 24th just a few days ago.

    When I arrived at the clubhouse for Christmas Eve celebration I was bushed and nursing a spinning head but had to tell myself to keep myself in check and reined in my emotions the best i could. Worst still was the smell of food that floated down onto the lobby where I was, made my stomach growl like a rabid tiger. But thank God all those feelings subsided as the people started to arrive in groups of 4-5 people and amidst the handshaking and smiles, I forgot about myself. When it was 8pm I released the ushers to go watch the performance and proceeded to stay alone waiting to direct latecomers. I could hear the singing, applause and the dance performance but too bad I was downstairs.

      I let slip a few tears, God. I'm sorry but I just couldn't take it anymore. People could pay for the dinner but I couldn't, people could be up there to watch the show, but I couldn't. I felt pretty alone down there on Christmas Eve. It was my choice to be there alone because I was a leader and I didn't want to deprive my team members from the celebration atmosphere. God, does it only happen in the movies where the perfect friend comes down quietly and pats your shoulder and says, "Hey...what are you doing here all alone?" Nothing like that happened. I was there alone. So I cried a few tears and forced myself to swallow the rest down and sat at the lobby writing cards to give later afterwards.

      I honestly felt more like a spectator that night then anything else. It was a bit surreal in a sense I could see myself smiling and shaking hands... but I just couldn't immerse myself in that celebrative mood of that night. I was tired and I still wanted to cry badly. For what reason? I just didn't know. When it was time to go home, the others wanted to have a spot of tea at the nearby mamak stall. In my heart, I really wanted to go. But with only 50cents to call my own until goodness knows when, I lost my mood entirely. Struggling with my emotions, I waved off Monica and made my way to her apartment to rest for a while. There were some of her housemates around, but they soon left. Being alone, I let loose my tears finally in her room.

    Later on, they came back and I obliged to go down for another round of tea and chatting but I felt even worse because I wanted to eat and drink... but I couldn't. Yes, it occured to me to borrow money but end up with an even worse guilt trip? No thanks. The next day a.k.a. Christmas Day, I declined an offer to have breakfast with Michelle and Asaph whom I haven't seen for the past few months for the same monetary reasons. It sucks big time. I'm sorry Michelle if I sounded rude and stubborn, but money is a sensitive issue for me and I'd rather be neutral and not cry in front of anyone. Then I went home and slept from 6pm until today at 6.40pm. Just so I could avoid the fact that 2004's Christmas was a sad time for me this year.

    God, I feel abit helpless now. On Christmas Eve, my finger finally stopped feeling pain and the swelling subsided. I thought it was over. I woke up this morning on the 26th, and it swelled and is VERY painful. What did I do wrong now? If its a spiritual bondage, I need You more than ever. Don't leave me aside. I am not an orphan. I remember Your loving kindness, You will be my strength and shield.

      God, forgive me for being such a party pooper for Christmas. I wanted to rejoice, instead I cried. Teach me to be at peace and accept things with grace with a smile. I don't want to feel so hurt. I know a lot of things that should have happened, didn't; a lot of things that shouldn't have happened, did. I'm sorry if I complained. I'm sorry if I couldn't measure up. I'll try again. That's my Christmas gift to myself - the life God wants me to live.

      Merry Christmas, everyone.