Sunday, May 14, 2006 04:06 p.m.
It's been an interesting week. Yesterday, was probably one of the most troubling days of the whole week. I successfully screwed up in my choices and judgement and only managed to make things perhaps much worse than I saw it to be. But having said that, I still believe that God isn't blind nor is He ignorant, He will protect the situation and His mercy is there.
Sometimes, I need to tell myself to draw the line concerning my life and every little aspect that is tied to it. Yesterday, I faced the reality that I am insensitive and stupid. Sometimes, the answer could be staring right into your face and you wouldn't know it because pride, willfulness and blindness just won't allow you to see beyond your own nose. Yes... I've learnt it well.
Last night I tossed and turned the whole night restlessly. I cried into my pillow. I beat my fists in frustration on my mattress as I choked back violent sobs from being heard by mum. Fact is, I was devastated. Could it be that my fear was going to come true... my one all-time biggest fear... of leading AND failing?
Frankly speaking, I just had nothing on my mind that moment except cry and cry. Circumstances seem to be telling me that I've failed. Situations dare to tell me that I can't make it. My heart aches with the mistakes in the past that I can't erase. Memories of people that I've disappointed. They all had to come looming into my mind yesterday night and were even haunting me right until Sunday morning.
As we sung the songs... the sorrow within... the repentance... the pain... consumed me. By the third song, the unfinished tears gushed forth and there I was - in the second row - frantically holding back those tears and wiping them away furiously as they rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't even stand at one point. I just kept sobbing and crying and in my heart, "God, I'm so sorry!!!"
I am human. I have my emotions. I have my moods. I have my choices. And yet, God is all-knowing, all powerful, everywhere. There is only way... and that is to lay down my weaknesses and the messes I can't change at His feet and ask for His forgiveness and healing.
God, I choose You. I will praise You in the day and in the night. I will praise You despite the enemies that surround me, despite the fact that I am with my weaknesses and the past wrongs that I can't right. I will praise You because You have made me fearfully and wonderfully.
God. I'm... I'm... sorry. Thank You for loving me still. Without You... I am nothing.
Saturday, May 6, 2006 05:17 p.m.
I stumbled upon a blog entry. Just out of curiousity I clicked on it to find out more and I found myself re-exposed to a past hurt. I've been wanting to gauge my mastery over my emotions for a loooong time and *boom* here comes an opportunity.
I was hurt in the past over this particular person. We had a really close friendship but due to a big disagreement which even until now I can't understand why it happened. When I saw the photos, I instantly began tearing up. I wanted to cry again. But instantly there was also a check inside of me. Now I don't feel as lousy as before and I can handle the pain.
I realise that God can use me in circumstances like this. Every single challenge that I have faced for these past 3 years, every time I overcome them... the next moment someone with the same problem comes to me for advice. When I help and counsel, the person is released and sees an immediate or swift breakthrough. I am in awe of God for using me. Like the verse says, "In your weakness, I am made strong" Through my weaknesesses, God has used them to bless others.
It's been a tiring stretch of weeks for at least three weeks, challenges at work, issues of the heart and mind... At the end of all things... God still reigns. He is the King of the storms in my life. When I toss and rock in the uneasy waters of the sea, Jesus comes walking calmly and even offers His hand to me and says, "Come, by faith, walk with Me and do the impossible."
God, may we all work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I love You, Jesus.
Sunday, April 30, 2006 12:10 a.m.
Had an unusual dream last night. Dreamt of my senior pastor and he asked me a question that I think normally I wouldn't hear him ask, "Have you been praying more in the Spirit lately?"
I remember smiling sheepishly and motioning with my right hand and showing a small measure. I replied him saying, "Got pray a bit more nowadays, a bit more!"
After I said that, he smiled in a fatherly fashion and said, "Good! Increase it! Pray even more!" And I nodded. Next thing I know its time to wake up. And later on in chuch, my senior pastor was preaching about the steps of having a successful prayer life by praying and the third step was praying with the leading of the Spirit.
Instantly I knew that the dream was linked to today's message. I recognised God's voice immediately. I needed to pray and be led by the Spiriti more. I have been increasing it lately, but now I need to increase even more. Wow, what a revelation!
Saturday, April 22, 2006 06:42 p.m.
Lately a lot of things have been going on in my mind and spirit. Just had my spiritual eyes opened such that now I know the spiritual cause to my migraines.
Every single time I change a mindset I have in my mind and submit it to Christ, I'm hit with a massive migraine. Yes, you've guessed it... Mei Ling is obssessed with mind idolatry. I've always been the debater, the analyser, the critic and the person who tries to apply logic in any single situation. In short, my spirit is so undeveloped compared to my natural wisdom that its pathetic to even begin to evaluate my spiritual life.
But I'm turning that around. I am learning from the Holy Spirit. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to miss out on the things that God has promised. I realise as time goes by that all human wisdom fades away so fast that no one can catch up with it. It's really God that survives any test and He alone endures until the world ends.
So God, I surrender my spirit, soul and body into Your hands. I really have nowhere else to run to first except to You.
