It's been a nice holiday away from work, so I have the mornings to myself where I can wake up a bit later, get to see some close friends, cell members and churchmates and chat and laugh more than usual. But amidst the noise and the fun, I can't help but feel slightly guilty about it.

      Reason being, I'm beginning to feel that I'm not giving God my best. That despite my best efforts, something within me is telling me that I can still so much more. I've done a lot of thinking, everytime I have a good laugh, the twinge of guilt inside of me flicks on and I have to apologise to God.

      Not that God doesn't allow us to have fun, but sometimes, I agree and I concede on the fact that well... I could have used my time for better things. So, yes Jesus, forgive me.

      On another note, been feeling slightly put off today because of things that have happened. Sometimes, I do get unhappy about how things are at home and why consideration isn't practiced. But instead, I see selfishness and self-centeredness. But I swallow the anger, I can't retaliate. But I am prepared to sacrifice financially over what has happened because I'd rather not argue and bring up past issues.

      God, give me the peace and grace.

      I can FINALLY take a huge breath and sit and write about the things that have been happening for the past two weeks. I'll keep in short and simple the best way that I can:

      Number one, I really L-O-V-E my new job. Working with a group of 20 odd young teens is inspiring because as a supervisor [teacher], the children come to you and look for help. It's an honour and a privilege to be sought by them. Sometimes they ask about work, sometimes they talk about their views on life in their own ways. Sometimes you just eavesdrop on their conversations among themselves and you can see a whole new perspective. I'm the teacher they say... but surely I have been taught a lot for the past 2 weeks plus at Grace Resource Centre.

      I have the opportunity to conduct Devotion on Tuesdays and Thursdays with the children, lead them in worship and then share with them a verse from the Bible and encourage them in their faith. For the past two weeks, I've been hearing from God more dilligently than ever. Somehow, I know I've been slacking in my spiritual walk and I was worried about how I was going to put my faith back in practice and learn to lead. This job is really a gift from God! Just today, I braved my personal qualms and led worship for Chapel Service for the students at the Resource Centre. It warmed my heart to see some students who were usually quiet and reserved to lift their heads and hands to worship. God, how You moved today!

      I have been fasting for the past week. One of the things we do as we fast is to pray as well alongside abstaining from food. Nothing dramatic happened while I prayed to God, but definitely... there is a growing assurance in my heart that God is present no matter what the circumstances. That the comfort that I can experience and today's awesome feeling of freedom and joy in my spirit is the cumulative effective of purposely dwelling in His presence. I can't describe how it is, but when I was singing in chapel, as I raised my hands up towards God, I felt a divine joy just take a leap in my heart and even after worship and until I was on my home from work, I was still trembling from the touch of God. I was renergised and trembling with His touch!

      In conclusion, life is awesome now! I will keep the fire!

      I haven't talked much about my new job, that's because there's just too many things to give thanks for. I'll start this by giving thanks to God for the following:

Sean
Tommy
Tung Seng
Raquel
Megan
Kevin
Yee Shen
Miin Zher
Kelvin
Jonathan Cheong
Brendan
Brenda
Shu Way
Abigail
Shoon Fai
Nigel
Bryant
Jon Ong
Andrew
Zoe
Channelle
Naomi
Isaac
Sarah
Rachael

      Lord, I thank You and praise You for blessing me with a group of students who are energetic, expressive and bright. Eventhough I have a long journey ahead in this job and to get to know them, already You have blessed me with opportunities where I see glimpses of their characters and strengths that even an adult like me can still learn from their childlike tenacity and determination. God, bless them with Your touch and grace, that they may grow up and be vessels worthy of Your calling and purpose. Bless them with strength and wisdom that they may bless others around them in return with the talents and gifts that You have placed in them.

      How was Chinese New Year for me? I really would like to use one word only - - - AWESOME! How so? Read on...

      On Wednesday (Feb 1st), two of my cell members and I visited this elderly couple who stayed a couple of doors away from my cell member. Word was the aunty had just had an operation and she was feeling ill. The uncle had a stroke and one half of his body was not moving or rather when you look at him, you could call him "stuck".

      Due to the fact that the uncle could only converse in Cantonese it seems, and my other cell members could only know a teeny weeny bit of Cantonese, I had to do the bulk of the conversation. So I launched into some surface chit-chat, asked about his grandchildren, his family etc etc. Then we moved to aunty's condition, he said her liver was just operated on, and she still felt weak. So I began sharing (in cantonese, mind you), how Jesus heals and how He never looks at how far we are away from Him, but Jesus loves us and just wants to heal us if we are only willing to let Him do so. Then the uncle pointed at his wife and asked us to pray for her.

      So I walked over to aunty who was sitting further away and asked her about her condition and I asked if I could pray. So I told her to close her eyes and I began praying. I never felt so tongue-tied before as I prayed for healing, as I declared into the house and into her life that Jesus' healing power and peace is for her to grasp, for her to receive anytime she wants it.

      After praying for her, I then sat down next to uncle and started to chat with him and share about how God can also heal him and his condition. Uncle said that he was believed in Chinese gods, he couldn't go to church etc etc, I just assured him that Jesus looks at the heart and whether we're Christian or not, He loves us all the same. At this point, uncle started to pull out his hanky and cry literally like a baby. If you've never seen a man in his 70s cry like a broken-hearted child, its S-C-A-R-Y!!!! I was scared but I just continued to talk and uncle was crying time and again. I told him that he could look forward to heaven where there would be eternal peace and no pains or aches there [more crying].

      So after all that, we left the place. I prayed that night with all my heart for uncle and aunty to receive Christ into their lives. Who would know that after a few days, my cell member sms-ed and said that aunty passed away!!! My mind reeled with shock, not to mention giddiness since I woke up from my afternoon nap to such an sms! Instantly I literally cried out to God, "God! Please! She has to be in heaven! I know she heard Your gospel! She was open to You! She's in heaven, right?" Later on did my cell member tell us that after our visit to the house, the aunty had called a friend and got in touch with a pastor and she requested for water baptism. The same day she got baptised, she was admitted into the hospital that night itself and later passed away.

      So hey, I guess God came through:) And we visited uncle during aunty's funeral. And again, I talked to Him about heaven and God's plan for all of us. This time, I told him that aunty's in heaven watching us, and that she's waiting for uncle to come to heaven as well, and yes... he cried again. I really believe that uncle will receive God into his life also!

      This testimony is kinda raw, but it's the best way I can describe it. I hope anyone who reads this will be encouraged. It certainly has made me look at 2006 in a different way. That even though the words that I said only were "peace" and "health", the Holy Spirit took over the hearts of the people and they were touched by God's love!

      I thank God again that aunty is in heaven!

      I remember what it felt like growing up as a child. I had a reasonably well childhood, the fact that my parents were divorced never really bothered me when I was in primary school. I sailed through those first six years there being one of the top students, enjoyed life with my classmates and proceeded into my teens full of dreams and a lot of ideals. Upon entering secondary school, I realised that the world is full of people who are hurt. I saw girls who got themselves pregnant and dropped out of school before they finished their Form Five studies. A guy from the school next door was battered and hospitalised because he defended a friend against some Malays and revenge waited for him after school with long and hard iron rods.

      I began to feel limited. I didn't seem to measure up to mother's standard. Everything was limited by her words. Pick up a shirt and be slightly adventurous and she would go, "You'd look horrible in that!" or "You sure you would like that?" Every time you wanted to go out with your mates and you've assured her that there would be someone picking you up and sending you back via car, she would say "No" at the last minute. Why? "Because I said no, and that's final." So eventually you get used to growing up in that environment where your mother is a hard disciplinarian and just makes simple comments like, "That's good" when you get great results in your subjects in school.

      Form Six was a nightmare because you suddenly find yourself realising that maybe you aren't so academically inclined for studying to become a doctor. So when you ring home hoping to get a comforting something from mother, you hear, "What? No A's? I'm disappointed in you." When you eventually get over the shock and arrive home at the doorstep, you hear news of a friend's daughter getting excellent results. Mother asked me if I was joking about my results and you say no. Again, "I'm disappointed in you. What have you been doing in your Form Six?"

      College was even worse I suppose. It was a highly competitive place where I felt swallowed up. The first year was all right because I could still catch up. But the subsequent two years were a massive effort for me to hold onto anything to sustain me and keep me going. I lost part of the battle and settled for less. However, that wedged in yet another rift between mother and I. "You're not trying hard enough, you know you can do it if you wanted to." For a period, I really believed I could and I tried and tried with all my might. In the end, I realised my potential lied somewhere else - journalism. Science was a passion but nothing could fulfill me more than to write.

      Again, I let people down. This time, my aunt called up and told me that because "...you don't have a degree in journalism, how can you call yourself a journalist, let alone a reporter?" That cut. That cut really deep. Furthermore, thanks to circumstances in college, found myself at the wrath of mother regarding failing a subject. Christianity got blamed because of that and I felt rejected for life. "You are so useless like your dad"

      Why must I revisit my past and talk about it? Because I realise that everyone of us has a past that we don't like to talk about. We all have some wounds in the past that we would all just like to ignore and pretend that they weren't there in the first place.

      Due to the rejection and loneliness I felt as I grew up under my mother's shadow, I had accumulated a lot of resentment and distrust to figures of authority. I grew up with a sense that I needed to try my hardest to please everyone including God. Whenever I couldn't finish my assignments or homework, I would stress myself out - cry - get a migraine - cry - sleep. Whenever I met with a problem and I dealt with it badly, my self-rejection made me feel even more depressed.

      I have contemplated suicide many times in my life. All of those times came from moments of rejection and disappointment. I remember bashing my knuckles against a tree trunk for the sweet pain to relieve the cut inside of me. I bit myself before to stop the tears. I bashed the walls with my bare knuckles to release my anger. I became bullimic for a period of time because it made me feel like I was in control.

      When it came to God, I was always afraid that God would hate me or forsake me when I screwed up. I was always suspicious or apprehensive with my spiritual leaders and friends in church. Were they really so nice? Did they really care that much for me? Can I trust a God that loves me no matter what? Can I learn to forgive myself? I realised that all of us who were hurt - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - carry doubt within us after that incident of hurting. That pain that in the past would have drove a person to God now ironically drives people away from Church and God.

      We live in an age where we would rather continue to seek comfort in friends and relationships than to really address the problem. We are at the point of our civilisation where technology has taken us all over the globe through the internet and yet we feel the loneliest. We forget for others to forgive us we must first exercise forgiveness. We drown in our own bitterness because things don't seem to improve and get worse when what we really should do is get ourselves out of that negative spell and be bigger than that situation. We go through rollercoaster rides of commitment - recommitment - commitment - recommitment over the same things that plague us over and over again. Have you promised yourself to be more loving? Have you told yourself repeatedly to be more patient and kind? Have you promised God to love Him over and over again until you begin to feel dry inside?

      Sometimes, the very things that we petition God to change in us are very simple - punctuality, alertness, wisdom, maturity, illnessess, habits, addictions, principles, mindsets, jaded-thinking etc, are simple indeed in nature to some. However, the process God takes to change us has never been simple and never will be.

      The Israelites went through a burning hot desert, ran from captors through the parting of the red sea, received the 10 Commandments, wandered for 40 years in the desert, crossed into the Promised Land and battled at Jericho, conquered the land and settled in to enjoy every single one of God's promises. Was it a journey of a pleasant nature? It wasn't. Every man except for Caleb and Joshua died a death in the desert. Every family then lost a husband and a father. Many died for idolatry. Some were swallowed up by the earth, others of plague and stoning.

      If things weren't easy for the Israelites, can we expect things to be easy for us?

      I used to be a very cynical person. I would be so impatient to wait for God's promises that my emotions would slip and slide and escalate every now and then. One moment I would be praising God and the other I would be begging Him to speak to me. When I felt trapped in my situations with my mother, I had two choices - either I continued to believe in God's will or wallow in self-pity and sef-rejection. I realised that even friendships can be unsatisfying comparing to clinging onto God. Close Christian friends could help and spiritual leaders are nearby, but the decision to stand up and grow out of a bad situation is in our hands. No one can make that decision for us. Jesus called to the woman at the well, she could have chosen to walk away. How many times have we walked away despite knowing in our hearts that God isn't pleased?

      This entry is for you - the one who feels hurt. The one who can't seem to lift yourself out of the situation you are in. You could have brought it onto yourself and suffered rejection and disappointment. Maybe you can't even stare into the mirror without recalling the things you did. You could be born into a family which demands much of you and you resent it. Your parents despise the fact that you don't want to become the fantastic son/daughter that the next door neighbours have. Maybe you've been hurt by a friend or you don't seem to get the response or feedback you desire.

      Do you feel rejected? Do you feel tired, jaded? Don't.

      Personally, as a Christian, even I went through moments where I had to make a hard, but visible choice. Set aside the pain and walk in the victorious life God has promised me. When I was rejected by loved ones, I chose instead to receive love from God. It felt lonely at times and unbearable at some point, but sometimes when you do the right thing, you need to do it ALONE. Sometimes, in order to live in the fullness of God, we need to draw a line between our present and future. We need to step over that boundary and choose to kill and crucify those things in us that hinder us from our destiny. We often feel wronged, we feel like our parents, friends and the rest of the world owes us an apology and we have every right to feel bad. You are right. You do. But you can choose to stop dwelling in that area and allow God to humble you and bring you on another path.

      I want to be a leader and heal those who are hurt. But how can I if I don't learn to step away from the pain and learn to deal with it like an adult? How can I lead those who are lost if I frequently get lost along the way as well? We all take God for granted don't we? We readily proclaim love for God and claim those blessings He promised in the Bible, yet we conveniently skip the next few verses where God says, "...if you serve other gods [read: things that draw you away from God], you will not be blessed." Not because God delights in punishing you. But by choosing your depression, your anger, your resentment, your addiction, your unforgiveness; you have chosen to disbelieve God's providence in your time of need. How can I say I love God if I am also hating someone? How can I say I serve God if I serve other areas in my life that don't deserve serving?

      As we mature in our faith, we can go to rally after rally, concert after concert and conference after conference. We can sit in church and wow over the pastor's preaching and be "divinely" inspired for a few hours. We can sing the latest songs from a favourite Christian band like any song on the radio without realising that its become just like any song on the radio already. We can worship God and God touches us and points out things in us that we hate to change.

      How many of us DO change? How many of us take the courage to commit and repent and stay that way? We congratulate ourselves with the amount of people becoming believers of God worldwide. Reality bites. Many Christian men and women out there don't make it and fail to live out God's plan for their lives. Why? Because they made choices.

      They had a choice. I have a choice, and so do you. I know its hard to battle it alone. But I promise you, if you are honest enough about it, if you are willing to change and stay changed, confide in someone. Make yourself accountable to God and have someone who will stay with you, guide you and make sure you are disciplined enough to want to changed by God. Change is never painless, I'm not going to lie to you about that. But the result of change is something you desire - a new you, a renewed you.

      It's one of those nights when my Christian writing is directed under the hands of God. May you be blessed with this piece. God is reaching out to you tonight.

      Embrace Him with abandon and receive His love.


~ reposted [originally August 2005)

      Today was an interesting day. Started off in the morning visiting this elderly couple (both must be at least in 70s or near that). It was initially quite scary for me because I had to converse in Cantonese and talk about God's love. Of course even scarier was that old people tend to let their tears flow easier... to see a 70 odd year old uncle cry as I explain God's love to him... it was both painful and moving at the same time. God, these lives need You even more!

      Read on another friend's blog about drowning and how there would be no one willing to drown for us. I beg to differ. If my Jesus didn't go through the drowning [desperation, choking separation from life, fear] how would I be saved? I really pray for salvation for this friend of mine. Somehow, it is God's way of dealing with his life right now, either one recognises God's hand or one pushes against it. Nevertheless, we are still hedged within God's mercy and blessing.

      If only we knew how to be moved.