I have to be honest with all of you... I feel down in the dumps right now. Yesterday, I went for a talk about study loans for my UK programme in next year's June 2005, and I found that the loan really wouldn't work. Although there's always banks to consider... it was still a blow because I had expectations about the loan. I couldn't help feeling lost and desperate again.

      Then just now I finished my mid term exam for Dr. Banu's paper which basically I think I might be in danger of flunking despite having read it and studied it. There's something about me not being able to recall stuff when it matters the most. I walked in scared, and I walked out even more scared. Then I went to check if I was selected to be a trainer in National Service next year in February, I found my name wasn't in. There goes my hope of earning more money to save up for the UK programme. I am SOoooOOOoooo M-A-D!!!

      But I remember this morning what happened...

      I woke up, studied my biology and then started to pray to God. I had made a commitment to pray for 30 minutes a day until I could build the momentum to pray for an hour a day. After days of procrastinating about doing it, I finally *did it* today. I started off by praying in tongues for 10 minutes and it was an awesome experience. Never have I heard myself pray with authority and volume. I started slowly, quietly and it suddenly leapt to fierce and rebuking tones. I didn't know what I was saying but I knew I was speaking into the spiritual atmosphere around me with a force I had never felt before. I felt myself being encouraged, filled with strength and authority. The words from Pr Matt Fielder at Planetshakers come to my mind now, "... you don't mess with the Holy Spirit!!!"

      After 10 minutes of praying in tongues I launced out into full-fledged praying in the understanding aka in English. I prayed for my cell members, the outpouring of God's spirit in tonight's cell group because I intend to share some personal things and challenge my members' faith. I rebuked spirits of demotivation, low self esteem and lies in my cell members' lives and prayed that God would assure them with His love and show them that we are on earth not just to breathe and eat and die. We are more than that. We have a purpose. I also prayed for myself that I would not only be a leader in the natural but in the spiritual. That God would forgive me for all my past mistakes and arrogance in cell group and that He would bless me and open my spiritual eyes to see the needs of my members.

      It was a fulfilling prayer. I sensed God was satisfied with my prayer. I never felt so honest before Him all my life. To be able to pray to the point where I get choked up and cry tears... I know I've been 100% honest with God.

      Now fast forward to the things that have happened today to me... and suddenly as I am writing this, the feelings of frustration and disappointment have melted away. I rest in God's assurance again that no matter how screwed up things get, I have a big God and a great God, there's nothing my God cannot do. I find that peace that someone said recently is incomprehensible and he wonders where to find it in Christ. The answer is simple, my friend...

      Life doesn't change 180 degrees when you become Christian. Your boring friends will still be boring, cranky and irritating parents are still as obnoxious as they were before, and college life still sucks and you hate the homework and you freak out near exams. The difference is amongst all this chaos, there is this unremovable, unshakable conviction that amidst the chaos you have a God who is above all these circumstances. A God who knows what it means to suffer injustice, rejection and pain. You realise the simple truth that no matter how bad things go, your God is still in control and we root our assurance in He who never slumbers. He holds our fate in His hands of love.

      Peace isn't about being in a quiet and safe place. It's knowing that bullets may fly and hit and wound you, but the war has been won for you by God. I rest in the assurance daily... though I may be hit by negativity almost every second. I know my God will never leave me nor forsake me.

      There's nothing my God cannot do.... there's nothing my God cannot do... There's nothing my God cannot do... There's nothing my God cannot do....!!!

      Amen.

      Last Thursday I think I experienced the for the first time the situation where I was going to lose a cell member. I was having dinner at the college hostel before cell group alone so I could gather my thoughts when one of my cell members came up and said, "I don't want to go to cell group anymore. Can you release me?"

    I was too stunned to say much and helplessly blurted out, "But, why?"

    Obviously from the way my cell member refused to give me a straight answer there had to be a problem somewhere. I demanded quietly to know the real reason why and after many rounds of asking nicely it finally came out...

    "... Cell group doesn't help me, I don't benefit from it. I don't want to go for another lecture at cell group."

    It really hit me that I haven't been doing well in cell group ministry. That my cell member must have probably felt neglected and the things I talked about in cell group were useless and unpractical totally. But a nagging doubt was within me... there had to be something more than that that made my cell member want to opt out of cell group. After carefully aiming some questions... I finally spelled it out and said,

    "You're wondering how come life isn't different after believing in God. You're puzzled why things don't get better and life seems to be the same, boring life it used to be. What's the difference with God or without God."

    Yup, I hit the nail on the head. I tried to explain saying that my life wasn't any better and it's still the same in many ways but the difference is I'm not alone in it anymore, that at the end of the day, I have God to turn to no matter how much the world rejects or hates me.

    My cell member asked me why I wasted my time in cell group and visiting people in the college hostel and preaching the gospel. I don't get any gain from it at all. Why do I do it? I could just only reply, "Because I want to love and care for others. When I received salvation and assurance from God, I didn't want to hoard it to myself. I want to share that blessing to everyone in my life." My cell member still demanded a reason why she needed to go to cell group and I felt helpless to rack my brains for any intellectual answer.

    But I could see that my cell member's mind was set. The next words that came out of me took so much effort that my voice trembled and I couldn't even look into my cell member's eyes anymore. I said with much effort,

    "...Well, you can stop coming to cell group if you want. You can stop going to church if you want. I won't hate you for it. But remember this, no matter how screwed up you become, or how stupid you become in this life... you'll always be my cell member. I will never stop praying for you, loving you and desiring that God gives you what you want the most out of this life." All the while I was staring at my dinner and I couldn't even have the strength to raise my eyes because I was using all the might that I possessed to keep my tears in check. But the tremble and stutter in my speech was clearly heard.

    Then suddenly... my cell member exclaimed loudly, "Okay, okay! I'll come for cell group next week! I'll come."

    I was taken aback, I didn't expect this kind of response. "But why?" I asked bewildered. Guess what my cell member said?

    "You've convinced me that I should continue to go for cell group."

    Now what do you make of that? I rejoice with all my heart that I did not lose my cell member. This particular cell member accepted Christ this year and my desire for her was always to become closer to God and receive that assurance she's always desired in her life. Losing her really tore my heart in two the very moment I forced myself to tell her she could go, but praise God, she is still in my cell group.

    It is a double testimony in itself because the day before I saw my cell member I was talking to Monica about how difficult I found it to love my own cell members and that I still feel emotionless over certain people. Well, the threat of losing one made me realise that I DID love them! That I DID feel that stab of pain when I saw how much my cell member struggled that day when we had our talk. The second testimony is more like a rebuke from God. I came THAT close to seeing my cell group ministry crumble and I realise that if I don't buck up, God will certainly take away the things I have at the moment and entrust it to somebody else. After that Thursday last week, I have really given it a hard thought and I am redoubling efforts to care for my cell members. I've started with one of them and I'm going to keep the ball rolling and not slacken my pace. Forgive me God, for forgetting my zeal and passion to answer the calling you've placed within my life. I need Your grace even more daily, keep my cell members from the evil one and do not let your servant slack. Rebuke me but do not depart from me Lord.

    Jesus, please don't pass me by.