Wednesday, June 23, 2004 08:43 a.m.
The pain is there
and yet the pain is sweet
When I stare into the starless night
I love the darkness for it reminds me of light
Sifting through the pages of yesterday
roads that shaped Today
Silently I dip into the waters
and sit before the table and feast
Lonely still in the world
but heavens have touched the earth
When I think it's the end
you touch my shoulder and turn my head
Pain you bore, pain you accepted
those marks of cruelty and arrogance
The punctured flesh and dripping red
not for yourself,
but for me
God. I am reminded of Your sacrifice. Teach me to bear the cross.
Sunday, June 20, 2004 04:53 p.m.
The week has drawn to an end and I'm still alive to those of you who have been wondering, "What's wrong with Mei Ling NOW?!" Basically, there are a lot of painful things that only a select few who know what I'm going through, and in this time of trying, I am thanking God for these God-sent friends who have stood by me in prayer and support.
Bottomline: I'm happy with what I did. I remember what a friend said in response to my SMS session with her, "I, for one, will not take you for a role model. Whether I'm a good Christian or not." Well, dear, I never asked to be your role model in the first place now did I?
I realise that I probably won't have friends in college who understand why I did the things I did. Why do I go for evangelism when I'm so busy with my studies and why did all this mess happen to me in the end. As far as I'm concerned, I've cleared my case before God and He will be my Judge and Keeper. For friends who can say things like, "I know you've tried your best, but you can still do better than that.." Well, you can keep on saying all this. I won't care anymore.
But one thing is for sure. On Monday, I had to make a vocal decision to choose between self and God. I'm glad I said yes to God, even if it meant losing a lot of other good things in your life. I'm not being righteous, I'm just being honest with myself and the world.
I'm called as "unsuccessful" now by the world's standards and a particular Christian friend even called my life "a mess" and "is that what being Christian means?". Well, Paul wasn't a success story. Peter wasn't a success story. Heck, even Jesus was a failure in human standards! Look at the precedings. From day one when he came out of Nazareth (can anything good come out from Nazareth?) and He spent His three years of ministry with signs and wonders... but also with many mockings, questionings, pain and frustration. Towards the end, His disciples fled in the face of danger and one even denied Him. He died on the cross.. a lone man crying in the rain. WAS THAT A SUCCESS? But yet, the life of Jesus shows us that the cross - a sign of shame and condemnation - can be used for good!
Maybe it's premature to feel all this. I'm not Jesus but I know how He feels when I feel challenged. Because He has overcome the world for my sake, I know I am made more than a conqueror. Too bad if I don't have friends who understand my inner struggles in college. Too bad I can't voice out like I used to. But I can talk to God. I can pray for peace of mind and soul. And I am loved by my Creator. The apostles were hounded until the end of their days, exiled and stoned to death. I'm not even facing death yet... so I will bear with it and learn not to compare. I've given up wishing that things would get better and wishing that I could exchange my life for other lives. I will work with what I have. I will accept the things that happen to me one by one and ask for grace and strength.
God. I'm glad I held onto You. Great is Thy Love, and that my soul knows very well.
Friday, June 18, 2004 09:48 a.m.
Things have been happening since Monday and yesterday was no exception. I heard things like, "How could you do this to the woman who sacrificed everything for you?" and "The only way to show your mum a good testimony is to be one. And you've done nothing to show that. You've failed in showing her God's work in your life."
So what do you say to messages like that sent to you from someone you consider a close friend. Someone you were telling your problems because you felt that you could trust for support.
I know I screwed up. But I never expected to be berated in this fashion either. I know I'm wrong. I know, I know, I know! Telling me in different ways that I'm a failure before God's eyes seems to make things look darker than they were before.
I feel like I can't trust myself to open up to anyone anymore. Why? Because no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no one believes me. Or rather...
...no one believes IN me anymore.
*I'd been reading, Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey, when the whirlwind struck on Monday. It seems timely. I've lost my family, lost the friends that mattered. Utterly, and definitely, I've lost my focus. God, I need You more than ever.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004 09:02 a.m.
When things go wrong, they can go really out of proportion. When you build castles in the air, they are dashed to pieces when the unexpected happens.
As I look at my previous entry. That was the beginning of a joyful day, or so I thought. At the end of Monday, I find severed relationships, pain, disappointment, helplessness and hopelessness dogging my heels. Even looking at Friendster testimonials fails to lift my mood. In fact, they seem to sting me even more at this hour.
What would you do if:
1. You were the one who severed a mother-daughter relationship?
2. There's no turning back after saying the things you had to say?
3. You know your mom is going to be disappointed in you forever and that you will never reach her standards?
4. When trying your best isn't enough for her because its not her best?
The biggest question is:
What if you were asked to sacrifice your faith in God in exchange for a chance for reconciliation and an academic future?
Has things reached this state in my life? I really wonder... Telling people in this blog probably won't help, but it's helped organise my sanity momentarily. I need prayers, I need support, I need some dope probably to make me forget the painful reality that I'm the one singlehandedly responsible for this mess. The more painful revelation is that things will never be the same again.
I feel tired. Really tired. Who do I have left, except God now? Everyday, as I quickly gobble down my dinner to leave the hall, to escape the animosity and I lock myself in my room. I don't even dare to turn on music too loud for fear of making the situation worse. I mechanically do my college work then switch off the lights and cry. When I can't cry anymore, I stare into space until I fall asleep. But waking up doesn't bring any comfort that the previous day was just a nightmare. Things have not gotten better. I can delude myself only so much in a day as I attempt to use the buzz of activity to dull my senses. It works to a certain degree. But when I come home...
God, I've stopped wishing things were different. It's a life where You can still use for Your glory. THIS is a person You said that You would be with me to the end of the age. I am the one whom You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You are the One who keeps His promises. I trust You. I belong to You. And... I only have You.
Monday, June 14, 2004 10:22 a.m.
Yesterday Pastor William from GCC came as guest speaker for Sunday service. His preaching was like a sharp sword. It cut straight into my heart. His message was about OBEDIENCE. When we are obedient to God, we learn to have "depth" within us. That depth doesn't encompass your wonderful verbal skills, or that Hillsong quality of music playing or singing, not even about how great you are with your spiritual gifts. You could be someone who can do all these things, but if you have depth - The deep things of God within you - it's just useless. Utterly uselss. When God cannot work within you and you have no capacity to "stomach" His deepness in your life, you are but just an empty vessel that looks pretty on the outside, but bare and ugly on the inside.
Pastor William said that if you want God to work greater than before in your life, it all depends on how deep you want Him to work into your life. When God opens you up and exposes all your ugliness, gunk and pain within you, do we let Him tell us His deep things? What resides in our "deeps"? Is it pain or disappointment? Or does it contain the steadfastness of faith and the light of Jesus within us? When he posed such a question to us, I felt the prickings of my conscience within me. I searched myself as I realised that God was speaking that very moment. When we stood up to pray, tears were flowing freely as I struggled to focus on God and asked Him a question. A question that had been inside of me for so long...
"God... Do I disappoint You?"
I cried many tears as I felt the Spirit talk to me. I never disappointed God before, I had let guilt seep into my life quietly until it became rooted within me. I had felt disappointed with myself because I thought my evangelism was worthless before God's eyes. I was frustrated at my spirutal ups and downs. But God told me that very moment, that I am His child amidst all my fears and doubts. He was not disappointed with me! The tears washed away the pain and that feeling of dissatisfaction was replaced with such feeling of joy and bliss. I had returned to my Keeper:)
I realise that I am God's appointed ambassador. The best thing that could ever happen to me was that yesterday, a person I had been evangelising accepted Christ. I had only really talked to her two times and on the second time (yesterday), she prayed the Sinner's Prayer and accepted JC into her life. I feel excited and happy because another party up in heaven is being thrown this very moment and angels are partying up there. Not to mention the excitement I'm feeling because this coming Sunday will be my first cell group meeting. A meeting with ME as cell leader. Who would think I could be someone's spiritual leader so soon? I realise that you don't need to be 20 years a Christian to lead. In fact, it's not me who is leading. It is God who gives anointing and grace in my life.
Lord, teach me Your ways. Make me a worthy servant to guide others for You. Let me learn to have Your deeps within me. I empty myself for Your will to dwell permanently in my life. Use me in anyway You see fit. Guide me with Your spirit. Amen.
Friday, June 11, 2004 10:22 a.m.
Dear God,
How are you? Hope things are going well up there and that I haven't been giving you a headache for all the stumbling and falling I've been doing all the time:-)
I've been feeling pretty tired lately because I'm so busy with college and my personal stuff. Guess you've probably gotten wind of it by now - I'm going to be a leader soon. I'm so scared that I won't be able to make it because I never did have that much of confidence to be the one who paints the picture. Being part of the picture and perhaps the background seems to be more comfortable, isn't it?
But then again, I remember the last time we talked, I said I was ready to lead. And you replied and encouraged me, heartening me by saying, "I am with you until the end of the age." I can't forget that promise because I realise that you will never leave or forsake me, because you are my best friend. Friends watch out for each other:)
I guess I've got a lot to learn about faith still. Thank goodness you have all the time in the world to teach me that everyday. When you send me those messages at night, or when you speak, it reaches my heart and stays there. When I'm busy I break away from the daily routine and just look through some of your books namely: Joshua, James, Peter, Hebrews and John. You said that faith is the substance of things not seen for things hoped for. Pretty deep, but I have "faith" that I'll comprehend your words deeper everytime I read them.
I know you've probably heard it before but I'd like to say it again because I never get tired of it. I love you very much and I'm looking forward to the day we see each other at your home. It's been wild two years since we first met but I never regret it because you've shown me a whole new world of love and grace. I'm in love with you so deeply that life without you would be so empty. I feel so blessed that you love me with such equal passion and even more until I can't comprehend it sometimes. But I will rest in you and never run away from your arms when you beckon.
Sorry for rambling, it always happens when I write to you. Can't stop talking to the one who matters to me I guess(chuckle)! Catch up with you again soon. Got to go for class now.
Love,
Mei Ling
