Can't believe I'm a quarter century old already! Ha! I finally saw myself turn 25 yesterday.

To my precious cell members - Monica, Charis, Mich, Connie, Colleen, Elaine, ZS, Zoe, EB, Natalie, Ming Li, Gillian, Jia Rong, Wei Lun, Chet Leng, Esther Fong, Xiao Yu - you guys rock! A big shout out as well to people like Vighnath as well for treating me dinner yesterday. Your birthday's in a few minutes time too, bro ; )

Not to mention various church members who remembered my birthday. Long lost friends who dropped me an sms out of the blue, thank you! The best gift I always ask for every year is that people would remember its my special day and give me a call or sms :)

OF COURSE I have to dedicate this blog post to my beloved students from GRC PJ. Who painstakingly arranged that I wouldn't find out and on lured me into the youth hall to sing a song and eat two nice choc cakes! Of course having cake icing smushed into my face was an interesting adventure because if I had some rope in my hands...nyaha! But it was so cool because the kids really took the effort to make a card, get gifts and tried their best to hide from me and even collaborated with my boss, Mr. Fan so that I could be out of their sight while they arranged the cakes and stuff. You guys ROCK!!! Thank you for making teaching a joy, life is never the same if you guys were missing from it. My 25th birthday is meaningful thanks to you guys!

Of course, I haven't given myself a birthday gift yet to celebrate my 25th...but will soon post up a pic of my darling on my web page soon. STay tuned!

      To think that I would be so free in a span of one week to blog twice! That's amazing considering that fact that yours truly usually blogs like once a month. Heh...the writing bug has gotten me and once again, it's not me who is writing...but I'm my fingers are now racing across the keyboard to convey this strong feeling inside.

      As I was waiting for the LRT at Wangsa Maju, my mp3 player was on and I was listening to It's All About Jesus. It's an old song and I was just innocently listening to it to prepare myself for tomorrow's chapel as we're using that song. But then as I listened, a lump formed in my throat. And that was 2 hours ago. The urge to cry and fall to my knees was intense. Even now, the tears are just waiting to fall again.

      I was just blown away by a reminder by God as the song played through my earphones... "I am your God. I have changed your life. I still love you no matter how bad things go. No matter how lonely you get, I will be with you." And just such a small revelation hit was BIG. All the hurt, all the pain and all the loneliness within, just seemed incomparable now to God's love for me. Only yesterday night I was wondering why I didn't see visions or dreams anymore and hear God in that fashion. I realised that God can speak just directly to my heart and stun me on the spot.

      I really thank God for calling me out of darkness. Life would not have been so full of meaning if not for Jesus. I lived a life in the past where I had everything from the world, and yet... that emptiness in my heart just couldn't be filled with money, friends, career or talents. All my life, I've searched for that someone who could give me complete security, that I could rest confidently in that person's arms and not worry. I've searched for that someone who could accept me for who I am, who saw the ugliness in my life but still reached out to touch me.

      As I closed my eyes in the LRT and opened my heart to God, just drinking in His love and enjoying that warm embrace of His, I saw a vision. A father's hand reaching out to a child's hand and holding it firmly. I knew it was God reaching for me, keeping me secure in His protection and guidance. What more could I ask of Him?

      Sometimes words fail to describe who God is because His will is higher than mine, His wisdom is greater than mine and His love... He IS love! The expression of who God is so fathomless that it fills me with awe because such a perfect being chose to die for me and receive me into His kingdom? I feel like Peter who was confused, "No, Jesus. Surely not? Surely you wouldn't die for me? It's too disgraceful!" Jesus rebuked Peter because I believe Jesus wanted to get it straight with Peter... "I'm dying for you and I don't care, Peter! It's gonna cost my reputation, but for you, Peter... I'd do it!"

      And I realise that God's saying that to all of us who feel broken, who feel hurt inside. Who feel that no one could possibly love such a horrible, ugly, lying, cheating, angry, rebellious, rude, etc etc... person. That no matter how much you hate yourself, God doesn't care... He chose instead to love us...to die for each and everyone of us. Just to prove to the world, that God forgives... Jesus looked at us...all covered in the mud of our sin... and saw God's original creation. We were originally perfect, created for fellowship with God.

      God loves you, no matter what you've done, no matter what you haven't done or failed to do yet. He doesn't wait for you to change to accept you, He died for you FIRST so that you could find the assurance, the love, the acceptance and confidence to take that step of faith to change.

      God IS love. And is He loves you. Remember that.

      Spent about 15 minutes on my bed struggling not to tear up. Struggling to prevent myself from wallowing in self-pity.As I wiped the tears away as they trickled against my will out of the corner of my eyes, I couldn't help feel lonely.

      But I know my God is still there for me.

      Sometimes you envy those around you, the younger ones. They seem to know where they're going, or at least they have a spiritual leader to guide them...you miss those times you had someone older to mother you... it's tiring to be responsible and at times when you're hurting... you can't tell anyone.

      I can't see too far at the moment. I don't know for sure where I'm headed. It seems like God's just telling me to face each day at a time. I can't look anywhere except to Him. The total isolation from relying on my brains is too overwhelming that I am still reeling from the shock. It's painful...it's difficult.

      But as I struggled and finally cried in desperation... the peace came. It came from knowing that God was still there in the dark with me.

      I might not know where I'm really, really going. But God knows, and I'm counting on Him to guide me until the very end until I see Him. I know that for a fact sometimes I can wait with joy and anticipation when things are going great. I can also wait in tears and sorrow when I am facing tough times. But I am thankful and grateful that God never changes.

      God, You alone satisfy me. Forgive me at times when I look at my circumstances and complain and feel alone when You are actually there with me.

      Happy New Year, Happy 2007!

      The year will be happy one as long as I want it to be so. That's as much as God has revealed. And right after that revelation from yesterday night's prayer to God, the enemy has been trying his very best to dampen my spirit, soul and body. To be honest, my emotions and mind are frayed to bits at the moment. My head is heavy and if anyone said something wrong... I think I'd just unleash my anger and snap off their heads...

      So I bit my tongue instead. I held my peace. It wasn't peaceful inside but I'm getting there.

      When Pr. Sharon asked if I was ok, I think the smile I gave her was a grimace more than a sincere smile. Even she knew I was not okay... oh gosh! Sometimes, I wonder why at times I can be so weak and just let those negative emotions wash over me without warning while I'm doing the right things.

      I feel tired fighting this war. Thank God, I have Jesus shouldering my burdens. It's a lonely battle sometimes. I feel like a soldier in No-Man's Land now surveying the darkening evening sky alone in the dugout. My mates have fallen asleep, some were lost in yesterday's surge against the enemy. As I watch the sky, I know that one day we'll win this battle. Sometimes you go at it alone, sometimes you go at it together as a team. But everytime, it is a privilege to go at it together with Christ.

      God, help my unbelief and be my first and foremost source and supply. My 2007 is Yours to direct. Roger out.