God: Mei Ling... nothing better to say, nothing to say out loud to bless, then DON'T say anything. Ok?

Mei Ling: Okay. But God, I'm not feeling so good inside.

God: Don't forget, I promised to support you. You've just gotta trust Me more every day, or how do you suppose we're going to face eternity together later on?

Mei Ling: You've got a point. Thanks for being so understanding.

God: It's my job to understand... but I'm not doing it just out of duty, it's because I love you also, you know...

Mei Ling: Aww.... God, You're so sweet! I love You.

God: I love you too. So don't forget what I said at the beginning of this conversation...

Mei Ling: Aww... man...! God: *chuckle* You'll learn, my child. You'll learn.

      My prayer life sucks... instead of deciding to talk to God and doing it for at least 30 minutes in the morning and in the evening... I find I can't do it. So, I've decided to switch tactics and talk to God in my heart whenever I get a free moment. It might make me sound like a schizophrenic the way I put it down on writing but that was actually what I did when I first accepted Christ. It worked to bring me into a deeper relationship with God. I have grown slightly stagnant and mellow in my walk with God. When you only do in the natural, don't ever expect the supernatural or spiritual to happen if you don't engage your spirit into it. Which is true in my case.

      I'm a cell leader, therefore I have a spiritual duty to uphold myself in spiritual disciplines such as prayer, reading the Bible and etc to minister effectively. If I want my cell members to experience more of God's way and blessings in their lives, if I want them to experience God through my counselling and mentoring, then I must be the one who has experienced all this before that. If I can't swim, I can't expect others to learn from me... because we'll all sink and die together. Same thing in spiritual leadership.

      I want things to happen in my cell group. I want people to be touched by God. I want to see healings abound, blind eyes see and a spiritual fellowship happen. I want to see the border between heaven and earth torn apart and that God will be present every time we worship, sing and preach and pray for each other. I want so many things to happen, but first I must prepare the atmosphere, I must be spiritually fit to have all these things happen. It all starts with prayer, not about how good you are in English, how witty, presentable or smart you are with bible knowledge.

      We have Bible study in our modern world. But in Paul and Peter's time, every Jew knew the Old testament more or less. What did they preach instead? Only their faith, their experience with Christ and all the things they have experienced from God. May we all remember that preaching is preaching God's grace in our lives, not the official and formal words lest we become pharisees ourselves.

      I'm in a bad mood today. No thanks to the migraine. But more over I lost my temper at a person I regarded close to me as a friend and more than that. What I've really desired from God is to learn to be loving and keep my temper. I was reading the Amplified Bible on the "Love is.... etc" verses in 1st Corinthians and I found that I didn't meet the requirements. To love, was to love with the love that God dispensed out of sacrifice and grace, to love others above yourself and to really LOVE with your heart and spirit...

      I wasn't able to do that today.

      Instead, I cut the conversation on the phone, I was near to tears and I raged at the inconsideration of my friend. But at the end of the day, I realised that whoever was at fault, it didn't matter. It mattered what was inside of me that made me feel that way. Like Pr David said it, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. And as I prayed this Sunday morning, the word "contention" kept going on in my mind and it still is. I realise that I'm an attention-seeker in a way. I get hurt fast when I get close to anyone. Whether people know that or not, whether they are considerate to that part of my personality or not, isn't the case.

      What matters is that THAT part in me doesn't carry God's image and I need to rectify that.

      The time to say sorry is over. The time to say sorry is over. The time to say sorry is OVER. Hey God, another place in my life to surrender to You. I need strength for this one most definitely. Let Thy will be done, Lord. Amen.

      I cried like a baby as I stood there in God's presence. After battling many urges to pray for what I wanted, I finally stilled before Him to listen to His voice and wanted His will instead. It didn't really matter anymore just how my future was going to be. It didn't really matter anymore if I was going to be a writer, a teacher of the Bible or anything for that matter. When God wants to do something, He doesn't need us at all to work His will. Have we forgotten that when God created earth, He did it on His own?

      I asked God to show me what He wanted me to do. Lately I received news that there would be a top-up degree program in Liverpool for my course and I have been pondering whether to go. Those of you who know what happened would perhaps know the significance of this program to me. My heart was heavy as I considered putting myself through the pressure of studying science again. Already I was readying myself for the working world.

      Last night, I finally stopped reasoning to myself that I should go because I couldn't make up my mind. God spoke instead. At that time, the top up program was still not evidently in place but as God spoke to my heart, I knew I was to go to the UK. I cried because I wanted to live out my calling. As I stood out there during ministering as a public declaration to say that I'm called with many others of those of my church in the eyes of the many witnesses from other nations around us supporting us in prayer, I knew God was pleased.... and there was no turning back.

      God, I want so much to do Your will! I am willing to live out the plan You have set before me. It feels like every time that I finish overcoming a challenge, You present me with another task to accomplish. At times I don't see why, but I believe that after accomplishing the task, my faith is enlarged, my faith is expanded. That after I finish what is to be done, I will see the work of Your hands, I will see the mark of Your grace upon my life even stronger and greater. Serving full time is a great task, it is a heavy responsibility and I know You are preparing a training ground for me to learn to serve in the Spirit, to learn to say yes to Your will, to learn to be so broken before You.

      Lord, the alabaster jar, beautiful as it is, needed to be broken before the fragrance could fill the room and touch others. The process of being broken has just only begun to show this year. Father, mould me into the person You want me to become. Let me that vessel of Your will, let me carry that fire of the Spirit into the lives of others. Work Your way into my life, break me and make me into a true light to the world. I cannot deny that at times I worry for myself, at times I look at the future with uncertainty and warily, at times I drop back into the mind of an atheist and try to make myself numb to the things and happenings around me. But I have You to look to, I have a Father in Heaven who is in control of my life. I have a Father who will provide for His chosen ones, for His sons and daughters in His family.

      I have never felt so broken and whole at the same time yesterday. The words that rang into my ears, "Break yokes! Rise up and break yokes!" those words from Pastor William cut through my soul and spirit like a knife. The question comes: If I do not loosen the yokes on me, can I loose the yokes of others? I had felt insignificant, that I would be a failure, that I would never be worthy enough to carry God's will and I would make a mess of things.

      But last night, as I took the step of faith to join my cell members and churchmates and professed our calling, professed our decision to serve God in ministry full time in the coming years, I knew I wouldn't... WE would not be failures because God has called us. The people next to me were praying outloud, I could only raise both hands and surrender my pain and willingness and cry. Is God worth those tears? Is He worth it when things go wrong even in the face of His evident promises of blessings? Yes. He is. Here is a prayer from my heart, as someone who is called, may God guide those who are called as well,

      Father God, You have chosen me and appointed me to bear much fruit, and that my fruit should remain. All I ask is that You remind me day in day out that I live with a purpose, that I am not an accident on this face of the earth. That the things that I go through now, no matter how monotonous, how frustrating, how sad or how devastating they may be, it is a training ground. You do not prepare your soldiers for war by feeding milk. Instead You train me by making me starve. And Lord, how I starve for Your glory and presence in my life! How I starve to learn more of You! How I starve to see a change in my life and that that change will be so overpowering that it will overflow into the lives of others and sweep across the nations! Lord, it's over. The time is over for me to think and pray for what I want. You know myself well enough to give me the things I desire in time. Lord, it is time to ask of You the things of God, to ask what You desire to be seen in my life. It is time to let the Masterbuilder start the scaffolding within me, to expand the deeps of God in my life. Father, I ask for a double portion like Elisha asked Elijah. God, expand my spirit and faith more so that I may house Your will more effectively. At times I feel like running away, but God, You are the faithful One, You have waited, chastised and rebuked until I cannot resist, until I have to get down on my knees and repent before You. Until the point where I realise, "But not my will, but Yours instead". Father, I am called. I am called by You. When things go out of focus, that is the only thing I can remind myself. That I am called. Let me be Jeremiah, let me be David, let me be Gideon. Called. I am frail and weak before You Lord, but You renew my strength with Your Spirit and grace. Renew me everyday Lord. Let me be a soldier for the Lord so that I will not be weak in the eyes of the enemy. Train me to stand at the frontier to charge like a lion and slay ten thousands upon ten thousands. I know now is not the time yet to do so, Father I pray You train me everyday. Lead me and break me. There's no other way than to be a vessel of God except to obey and be broken. Amen.

      p.s. I might be going to England to study. Mei Ying, wish you could give me some advice on this.