Saturday, December 14, 2002 01:29 p.m.

Hmm... the bookmark story is cute, eh? Well, on a personal side its quite enlightening when I really think about it. And you, you should know that its a very difficult thing for someone like me to accept all this at once. Slowly but surely I am going towards accepting Him in my life! I read your blog, the YP book, why did it play such a big part in all of this? Well, there was a letter written by an anonymous individual who was something like me. He/she talked about how the power of prayer helped and how after believing, it all fell into place. If He did get frustrated up there and said, "Why doesn't this girl believe?", I think His frustration paid off for I DO believe! Maybe I was still doubtful at times but somehow I felt that there is a God watching over me. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Its an assurance that was planted in me suddenly without seeing or proving anything at all! I never mentioned in my previous blog that the name of the bookmark was, "Don't Quit". Yes, don't quit. Coincidental? I don't think so now. I felt that it was a sign somehow, one of the strongest ones that shouted to me, "Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? Don't deny it! You know it!"

Mei Ying. I'm so grateful that you never gave up on letting me know about Him. I know you were frustrated because I was so sarcastic and ignorant about it but you never gave up! Somehow the message must have been sent through you. Strong, loud and uncontendable. For natyssej's case, I'd say I saw the soft and ever patient side of Him. Somehow, if left to my own devices, I would not have found out about Him so soon. I know this "sudden acceptance" seems a bit too fast but once I started to believe, everything seemed to fall into place fast! I guess the bookmark really stopped all the "coincidence" nonsense. I can't say that it was a coincidence that it appeared out of nowhere, I ran out of excuses to deny things anymore.

Guess what? I'm going to church tomorrow! Monica is so kind to offer to pick us up from the college hostel where natyssej stays and take us to her church! *hugs Monica to pieces* I wonder how it will be like. The last time I was in a church would be 1 or 2 years ago at St John's near my convent school! I feel kind of awkward about this but somehow, I know I have to go.

Monday, December 16, 2002 02:46 p.m.

Church was great! The fact that the Pastor David kept mentioning non-believers really made me feel a bit guilty. Of course some of the examples he mentioned were similiar to my questions and of course natyssej couldn't stop snickering at me and giving me the, "You see, you see! Ah...bet you see it now!" look. Felt like killing her for that, really! All in all, I think I went through something wonderful. I did feel awkward initially but after a while it went all right, I enjoyed the service and I listened to every single word! Boy, I'm not even that interested in my lectures!

*hugs natyssej and mamolove together* You guys... what can I say? I'm glad you guys are so glad for me! I even said that to Him last night! Well... I'm looking forward to this Sunday's service if only someone could manage to go?^^ I understand, if you can't, you can't. But maybe...?^^

Suddenly the urge to go offline and rush back home is coming over me. I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I went online and read something I thought I shouldn't read yet! Oh no... I read the Sinner's Prayer. I wasn't planning to read it yet but I couldn't help searching for it! I even recited it inside my mind. Was that considered reciting it or not? Oh man... I've got to let natyssej know about this! Actually I was only planning to see if they had it online, I couldn't resist the urge of clicking it and having a look! Me and my curiousity...*sigh* and I wanted to recite it only when I convinced my mom about my beliefs and all that! What should I do now?

Monday, December 2, 2002 03:52 p.m.
Hmm... my weekend... was... confusing. Of late perhaps those whom I am close to in college know that I have an insatiable curiosity regarding religion. As Pei Shih said, I'm already 20 and yet I have yet to believe in God. Short and simple, I am an atheist. Free thinker would be a suitable label but according to dictionaries a free-thinker os someone who has a different view from others while "atheist" seems to suit me better!

Mamolove and natyssej assure me that yes, flyindance, there is a God. Do not resist His efforts and accept Him. What do I have to lose, right? In the past, I would have shrugged off these comments with a , "Yeah, right. Makes no difference to me!" But now, I find it difficult to ignore the very many coincidences that happen around myself.

Firstly, I keep seeing things connected to religion. I turn on the idiot box and hey presto, a show abotu believing in God. The songs I hear have brought me to a higher dimension - From a Distance by Bette Midler. The books... ah, that's the shocking one. Of course I have not been researching about C.S. Lewis. But coincidently he a well known atheist turned Christian. Wow. His books, The Narnia Chronicles are my favourite. Perhaps some recall me ranting about it once upon a time. Were about Jesus and etc.

Friday, December 13, 2002 10:49 a.m.

I think you guys should know about this... Yesterday, I lost a bookmark that I deemed precious on my way to classes. I was distressed but I thought, if its gone its gone. It was so thin and fragile that I knew the wind would have sent it flying to the nearest drains or end up somewhere else where I could never find it again! When I finished my lectures, I was walking alone on my way home. I looked up at the sky and muttered, "Hey, I wish You could help me out here and find me my bookmark!" Know what happened next? My bookmark came floating down right in front of me. At first I saw a piece of thin paper, turned out it was my bookmark! I was so happy that the initial shock of it appearing out of nowhere did not hit me. I remember not seeing anything on the ground. Could it be a coincidence or was it something else? All in all, thanks to whoever or whatever that gave me back my *kiss kiss* beloved bookmark!

Tuesday, September 17, 2002 09:42 p.m.

How do I start this...? Well... a Christian friend just told me that when the Holy Spirit is in you, you have the ability to communicate with God. Well... you claim that you hear Him and He definitely hears you. Just how sure are you? I mean, the issue of just believing is truly very difficult for me to swallow at the moment. I can't invest myself into something that I can't even see or touch. The concept is really alien to me!

This particular friend of mine also said that if you are not a Christian, the Holy Spirit will never be able to manifest Itself in you. Could you clarify that point with me when we meet next week? Can one have the Holy Spirit without knowing it? Hmm... maybe your pastor could help me clear that query, with your help of course!

Anyway, what do I think about the Big Guy in Heaven? Hmm... when I was a kid, I thought that God was a really fearful being. If I did anything bad, I'd be expecting thunderbolts to come raining down on me and pulverising me into powder. Man, those were the days. I've kowtowed to idols such as the Kuan Yin before, murmuring prayers for ~ good exam results and good health, following the instructions of my mother, that is. To me, it was just another excuse for fun. I just accepted it as a ritual performed, I didn't really believe in it at all.

Slowly, as I went into my teens. I embarked on another journey. When I was 16, I learnt from my science teachers that everything has an answer to it. An answer was something that had to have sufficient proof to make it acceptable by everyone. I ask for proof that there is a God. Yes, we have the bible, the holy scriptures and such. But why are there so many religions in the world? Why are there so many wars fought for religion? Even in Christianity, you have so many different groups, the Methodists, the Catholics, the Protestants, the Mormons, etc... If I finally decided to say yes to becoming a Christian, which would I belong to? If this truly was the religion that I should choose, why should there be so many groups to choose from? We should follow God's teaching, right? Some of these groups are known as cults, but then... how sure are you that you are not in a cult yourself. Each group follows the teachings of the bible, yet they believe in dissimiliar things as well. There are other groups who modify the teachings of God into things that they can accept and believe in only. Isn't this a sign that religion is actually a figment of man's imagination or creation? We humans used to pray to trees, rocks or the sun. Why did not God show himself then and there?

You people tell me that, oh yes, he's there! You've just got to have faith in Him. Then you will know He is there or not. All it takes is F-A-I-T-H. Hmm... an important word in religion yet so abstract in a sense. Imagine someone who says that, "I have faith that there are different gases in the air. I can't prove it, I only need to believe in this fact. So, there are various gases." Yeah, right, like anyone's going to swallow that one!

Don't get me wrong. I've been to church and temples. I've gotten down on my knees in prayer. I wished I could feel a sign or see something happen. I remember the first time I went to church, I prayed and prayed hard to feel His prescence.

Nothing happened

There are people who claim to feel a heavenly prescence when they are deep in prayer, yet scientific studies have proven that this might just be only an illusion caused by our brain. Our brain generates signals to us that we as humans mistaken for a divine prescence or intervention. Ever heard of It's all in the mind...? Now how do ya counter that?

Honestly speaking, I think I don't need God in my life right now. Everything I say or do is within my control. When my life hits a high or low note, I don't need to pray for guidance or forgiveness. I just solve things according to my own logic. In the immortal words of Frank Sinatra, "... I did it my way...."

Hey, no offence! I have nothing against those of you who have religion! Actually, I'm happy that my friends have religion. I read books like the New Testament, Daily Bread, I know some of you are surprised that I read religious books and many more. The Narnia books that I raved about a few blogs ago I think have Christian values in them, for example,

"...And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion, but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them, it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth had read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

Beautiful isn't it?

I know things would seem a whole lot easier if I just opened my heart and listened. I know that's what I should do. But somehow, all my life my heart has been open to the unknown. When my life hit a low note a few years back I questioned myself, "Why me?" To write it down as a trial from God seemed like... well... you know... crap. I know of the saying everything happens for a reason, but for what reason? To gain entry into God's Kingdom? I just don't get it at all!

Whenever I have problems, I don't need to pray. I don't need to seek His guidance nor do I seek forgiveness from Him. I reason things out myself and act accordingly as my rational mind dictates. Did He play a part indirectly? If for some reason I could not explain my actions in a certain situation, I'd admit that there was a being working mysteriously without my knowing. So far, I have not felt anything unnatural.

Quoting from the little book OUR DAILY BREAD (Special Edition): "The only way most unbelievers will see Jesus is by seeing Him in the lives of Christians..." I guess I see the astounding power of religion in my friends. Mei Ying, Jessy, Caroline, Teng Seang, Elaine... etc. All of you are great people! I mean, you all spread God's gospel well every day. The way you act, the way you care for your family and friends, the simple compassion and friendship, it's truly beautiful and touching to see and experience it. Religion has a part in making all of us good citizens. But somehow I give credit to you yourselves for being the wonderful people you all are, I just don't see Jesus or God being responsible for your actions. The source I quoted from makes it sound like that without the help of God, man might not be so compassionate or loving towards one another! What about the other religions in the world? How about Buddhism, which is actually just the teachings of a man?

Can anyone explain to me in detail just how enriched will my life be with the help of God? Some of my Christian friends actually told me that my heart will be empty if I never let Jesus in. Hmm... sounds bad doesn't it? I had to resist an urge from laughing when I heard that because it sounded like a threat from religion! I remember being described as, "a boat without a sail, floating on a currentless sea, lost and dismal,". I was the object of puzzlement because I was just so blissfully happy in my ignorance! Please! Enough of the PREDICTIONS of doom that you all think will befall me! Will I realy burn in hell if I don't believe?

Being among friends who do have religion can be so stressful at times. Most of them are really understanding. Others will silently project that aura of disapproval when I just lightly mention that I am a free-thinker. They'd go like,

W-H-A-T????!!!!

I've been to or forced to church functions where the christian youths are so actively involved. I recall nearly crying when I was forced to attend this church youth thingy at a friend's church. I DO NOT like to hear stuff like, "He is the only true God. He is almighty. You will be lost without Him."Actions speak louder than words. I hate people who spout maxims or quote from the Bible like 1000 times a day. It's like having your mom nag you a million times about the same old issue!

I hate to say this out loud, so I think blogging this out would be better because I think my friends will definitely be shaking their heads if I said this in front of them... here goes...

I DON'T NEED GOD IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all will forgive for doing that. This is what I have been dying to say. Throughout my whole life, I have not relied on anyone to solve my problems for me. Yes, my dear friends can give me advice and support, my mother can help me but in the end, who takes the first step if not for yours truly? If I can do my thing now without His help, I can definitely rely on myself to do things in the future too. All I am asking from my friends is to accept me for who I am.

I am not sensitive about religious matters. I just don't like to be forced into something that I strongly disbelieve in. Come on! I've read the new testament and I enjoyed the stories! I've studied a bit of Buddhist texts and I have been to mass and all that. I'm opening my mind to teachings written down by man, mind you! I was born with a rational mind, I just don't need to apply rationality by following a book or a religious leader. I can't.

You know what? I'd really, really want Him to appear in front of me just to prove me wrong once and for all as I am typing out this blog! I wouldn't mind burning in hell for eternity just to catch one glimpse of His face and ask him questions. It'd be so cool, wouldn't it? Hmm... I can hear gasps of horror...^^

Oh my goodness! How could Mei Ling be so ignorant? How could she even suggest this atrocity?

Well... in a way, it is amusing to shock your friends like that. Gotcha! But then again, it just goes to show how far they can accept you. Bloody hell, you're supposed to accept me for who I am, not what I believe in! Right? I don't judge you people based on your religions, I judge by actions and behaviour.

Just to clarify with you, Mamolove, calling me a godsend is indeed a great compliment since you connect to Jesus so deeply. But then again, if I really had the Holy Spirit in me, wouldn't I have felt it? It was an act out of instinct and experience. I just had the inkling that you needed a call. That's all. I have an uncanny ability to feel things like these, hmm... let me preen myself a bit! Naw... it was just a coincidence. Bet you've had moments like that before, right? But thanks for the compliment anyway, it's not often a free-thinker gets a religious compliment like that! Sorry ...^^ Very lame pun there! But all in all, I'm glad you have faith in religion, it makes one behave really well! : p Just don't say something like, "Your time will come", it sounds like doom is befalling me! Well... I've downsized my blog after reading your email. I'll leave some parts to discuss at Starbucks. Can't wait to see you soon!

Whew! Now that was long. I've been at this for almost an hour. I hope you are satisfied with this blog of mine. I'd really welcome feedback from anyone who has actually survived reading for so long. I hope my friends out there will not think that I am such a weirdo. It's already weird enough to be the only one who is a free-thinker in the class, indirectly I feel so lonely because of that. If you love me, accept me and do not tell me how enriched life will be after embracing religion, my life is enriched already! I control my own destiny and I determine my own path in life. Shucks... now I sound so serious... ^^

Anyway, time to go. Thanks again for bearing with my long-winded opinions!

Wednesday, August 28, 2002 10:42 a.m.

Hmm... just found this link to what Narnia book do I belong to. Check out what they say about me!

The only book which doesn't take place in Narnia at all, per se, you're the story of a voyage to find the end of the world and hopefully the Seven Lost Lords (remember Rhoop!). You contain some of the most unique people and places and beautiful descriptions of the whole series.

Find out which Chronicles of Narnia book you are.

Anyway, I did say that I would not go online again until after Sept 11th. Well fate has it that I've to move my butt all the way from home to college to submit a stupid form which they did not inform me was important and urgent. So I figured, if I just soend like less than 15 minutes in college after travelling for almost an hour, I think I'm really letting myself down. So I decided to blog a bit!

Since I opened the topic with Narnia. For those of you who have read the entire chronicles of Narnia, hooray to you! I find the books extremely nice. I've been having them for more than 10 years but I never tire of reading them again, and again and again! I don't know, is it the magical quality or has it other hidden charms? Maybe The Green Lady cast a spell over me as well! Anyway, for those of you who have not read them yet, for your information,

Narnia is a magical place for away from our modern world. In it rules Aslan, who is in the form of a big, golden lion who knows human speech. In the first book, he plays a big part in creating Narnia from darkness. He appears in all the books of Narnia as a mentor, a guide and a wise king to children who venture into Narnia. Battles, tales of treachery, treason and love and good triumphing over evil are in these books. Much like the normal fairytalish stuff you read in story books. But C.S> Lewis (the author) seems to present it in such a lovely way that you can't help but be captivated.

My books are old and yellow, but I still have a habit of reading them once in a while eventhough I can practically memorise every singel word! When I was ten, I loved the books. Now when I am twenty,they still hold a magical grasp on my imagination. I will always love Narnia and Aslan. Even afte reading Lord of The Rings, another favourite of mine, I still like Narnia best. It was through Narnia that I got to know about hope and love. These books are very dear to my heart, the same goes for Peter, Susan, dmund, Lucy, Jill, Eustace, Caspian, the beavers, Fledge, Polly, Digory.... but most of all Aslan.