Wednesday, July 14, 2004 01:44 p.m.
"Don't curse the week, Mei Ling! Don't even curse the day! By saying it, you're telling the world around you that the week IS stupid, that the day WILL be stupid!"
Whoa...talk about getting an earfull from your cell leader! Well, she has a point. I shouldn't keep using the word "stupid" to illustrate the things that happen to me or they will be stupid forever. Now that I've cooled down, I realise with all the snatch thefts going on, getting my pocket picked is a small consolation than being stabbed or whacked until death by a petty thief. But of course, I still feel mad for my wallet and all but what's done is done. No use mulling over it and having it spoil my day, eh?
The point I'm trying to send across in this entry is. What you say is what you will GET. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. You'll notice that when you say something, it comes from your heart, and when you voice it out, it has the ability to shape or change the situation around you. So if you don't have anything positive to say to someone, don't say anytying at all. That's the best for me I think. I'm still learning to control my emotions and not let them dictate my day. But I'm thankful that I'm not alone in this. That my God will supply me with peace and patience. That I will not be alone when I feel like exploding and scolding someone. My God, my keeper, is within me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004 08:43 a.m.
Four days since I last posted. Sorry for those of you who were waiting for interesting things to posted here. Guess you won't find stuff that's made for Hollywood or Malaysian Idol here...
Interesting things have happened at home. Again, we are at cold war. This time, my story books have disappeared from my shelves. Meaning my mother took them all away and kept them. That in other words, is taking away my life supply of cocaine, my fix, my weed... my life. When things get rough, my books are my only consolation most of the time. True, I enjoy listening to music to soothe my nerves. But nothing beats reading my books especially Narnia (which have been taken away also) which serve to help me forget for a while the weariness and frustrations of the day. True, I have my blog. But if not for my books, would I love to write in the first place?
I know. Some people might not understand what my books mean to me, but I do. When I came home and found my shelves EMPTY and shining with its bareness, I was speechless. The void that was created in me was so deep. Thank God she didn't touch Yancey and my bible.
I don't hate my mother. I just feel sad that our relationship has to be strained to this point. I feel lonely at home now that my books are gone and I have my text books left to stare at which isn't much of a comfort at certain times of the day.
God, I only have You in my life. No one can take that authority away from me. But sometimes, I feel that I'm so far away from You. When the noise and heat of the day take me away from Your presence. Draw me close to You again. Remind me that I am not alone. Let Your Word live IN me, when even my bible is taken away fro me, Your living word is IN me.
Thanks for reading this. I just feel so tired today and I needed to share with someone.
Friday, July 2, 2004 09:35 a.m.
Nothing much has happened for this week, except that there were a lot of reflections on my part. Most of the week, I have just ben letting God talk to me and not drown out his voice with my own squeaky one:)
A few months ago, I pestered my cg leader and even God by continually saying, "I've already done XX and XXX, why isn't anything changing? Why isn't anything happening when I've applied everything possible?!" I just noticed that I haven't been saying that for a month (I think). Not because I'm fatalistic and think that I can't change things, but rather I have decided that there is no rushing things. Since I've already done my part, it's now up to God to do His work and by HIS timing since He knows better than I do. Sure, there will be nights where I wonder, "What the heck am I doing here?" but at the end of the wondering, I realise that He is still sovereign and in control. The world might seem like its falling apart at times, but He is still there and reining in chaos.
I've been telling a certain friend to take it easy and that "in time" God will reveal His purpose in her life. I realise that "in time" I have learnt that truly there is a season of reaping and a season of barrenness. Not because God refuses to bless me, but because I am in a time of testing to produce more fruit and success. Even now, as I asked God for more things in my life, I know I have to wait for them to come into my life. It might take weeks, months or even years, but I am sure that He will answer my prayers. I rest assured in my abba Father.
My cg leader shared something with me the other night. "When God has said A, listen and do A before you go and ask Him what is B." Food for thought. I think it was like a direct conviction more like it. True, there are times when God has spoken to us about something, we should obey. When we refuse to listen and tell God, "Help me," it will seem like He's silent. But in fact, He's not. He HAS SPOKEN already, just that stubborn ego of ours sometimes makes us tone deaf. Selective hearing... well, I guess I'll have to stop that from now on. Like Pastor Gloria says, words in the Bible are a revelation from God. God's letter to us. His DIRECT message to us. When God says A, then A it shall be.
Holy and Anointed One, Jesus
You're name is like honey on my lips
You're Spirit like water to my soul
You're Word is a lamp unto my feet
Jesus I love You
I love You
Carpenter or not. I know who You really are.
Saturday, June 26, 2004 05:36 p.m.
Currently bumming at friend's apartment looking up some stuff on the internet for a college assignment (boring) and waiting for my dinner. It's been a relatively quiet week for me, both at home and college. Just that I'm having a lot of migraine attacks everyday and that somehow makes my days suck a lot especially when medication and long naps come to no avail.
There was prayer on Wednesday evening and as we prayed in tongues two words kept coming to me, "Unity... disparity". Somehow, the words were so strong in my mind that I asked several pastors what the word "disparity" meant. Later I found out it meant, "of different kind". So it was kinda cool because I was praying for the section and cell group and the words fitted. The words sound opposite to each other and yet so fitting...
I have a cell group now and I find a new challenge. And yet, as I submit myself to God's will and allow Him to speak to me once again, I find that I still have so much to learn about being a spiritual leader. In fact, there's a whole of a world to learn from the One! I find it difficult to carry a dialogue sometimes due to the "disparities" between me and my cell members yet, because we are of different kind, with our weaknesses and strengths, we form a unified Body of Christ in the church. It's amazing...
Yesterday's Revival Service was cool. Cool in a way that I had a chance to release all the tension I've been having within me. When we began singing "Breathe" I began crying nonstop because the lyrics, simple they may be, touched me as God comforted me and reminded me that my pain is His pain as well. It was a great time of worship to God like no other and though I was having a bad migraine, it was worth it to be there with God and my church members. My family;)
I asked God yesterday night for more of His power in my life. I see His anointing in the things I do and the people I relate to. When I tell my cell members things and pray for them, God speaks to them. I know because they reveal their heart's feelings to me and I realise that those were the specific things I had prayed for them! God, truly You are the Almighty! But last night, I asked God for more. I asked God to reveal His calling in my life and to guide me to living it day in day out. I'm on a mission for God and I don't want to shirk my duty at all.
I always remember God's word to Jeremiah in 33:3, "Call to Me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, things that you do not know of..." Everytime I feel depressed, lowly and worthless, this verse speaks to again and again. Deeper and deeper He leads me into the still waters... I realise that a lot of things have changed in my outlook of life in this month of June. I realise that I am beginning to understand why I need to preach the gospel and why I need to be cell leader. I still have my qualms in being in charge somewhat of someone's spiritual well-being but it is a God-appointed duty and to be honest... it feels great to see them grow slowly, like watching a kid explore and ask questions and finally grow up:)
Father, in all the problems that have happened in these past few weeks, I still manage to see Your Hand guiding me, leading me, and loving me. Amidst the pain and frustration, I saw grace abound in many other areas in my life especially during evangelism. You are my portion and strength forever, LORD. Use me to touch lives. As I bring before you my life as a living sacrifice, I pray that I will be a responsible steward of your anointing and that I will be a vessel for Your will in my life. I want to have your "deeps" in my life God. More than before. I am ready to take on more challenges, eventhough I know that means more testings to prove the calling You've laid upon my life, I will take that call seriously!
Breathe
This is the air I breathe
this is the air I breathe
Your Holy presence
living in me
This is my Daily Bread
This is my Daily Bread
Your very Word
spoken to me
And I
I'm desperate for You
And I
I'm lost without You
Amen.
