It's 11.48pm here in Liverpool now. Spent the whole day downloading videos from Petronas where they kept their videos that were made for either Independence Day (Hari Merdeka) or for festivals such as Hari Raya, Chinese New Year of Deepavali.

It's heartwarming to revisit those advertisements. It makes me sad that those advertisements are the very few reminders to Malaysians that we should value each other. Take a look at the local Malaysian dailies and you will know that every race is still pretty much busy doing their own thing. Political parties are still racially-biased and like it or not, racial segregation still happens.

Where did we go wrong? I would rather be able to look at my country now and be proud of the fact that we really do coexist with each other and each race is not competing with each other but instead linking hands and forget about race or colour. The adults are right in saying that us youths do not appreciate the value of independence and the trouble and sacrifices to see Malaysia born into the world.

But you so-called "older and wiser" adults know! You know the price that was paid to see a nation escape the grasp of colonists. You know what it is like to live in harmony with the races. You know that the condition for our country to gain independence was that Malay, Chinese, Indian and the other races knew that a country's foundation was not based on majority, but rather unity.

Maybe watching those videos made me more patriotic. Maybe deep down inside, there's a part of me that wants my elders to teach me the meaning of being a Malaysian. I have a responsibility to respond to these short ads. I have a calling to contribute to my nation. It doesn't come from belonging to the strongest government or any NGO.

It all begins with acceptance. Let us accept who we are and proceed from where we've left behind. We might be black, white or yellow on the outside.

But inside, we're just the same.

And I'll walk with you, in my heart
I'll walk with you in my heart
Find me at the cross down on my knees
Thank you Lord, for saving me...
~Find me at the cross, CCC~

      Somehow, I feel calm tonight. The fact that I haven't studied enough (which I think will NEVER be enough) is not disturbing me. I feel energised and pumped up within. Ever since God spoke to me in the evening, I haven't stopped mulling over it, thinking over it.

      Today, I was online counselling two friends. Well, sort of counselling. Both were having their moment with God and I guess I was just there to be a vessel for God. Turns out yesterday's entry was really from God. I recall not knowing why I was writing the things I was writing, but now I know better. Now I know that those words I typed out were meant for these two friends of mine. Praise God that He has spoken to them in words and visions!

      Just only yesterday night as I was dropping off to sleep I was wondering if God intended me for anything in my life. What would be my future? What would I go into? What is my ministry? I have been thinking through all of this for quite some time. I keep saying I miss Malaysia, yet a part of me is scared of returning. As the days draw nearer, I know I am nearing the day of reckoning. I am a day, an hour, a minute and a second nearer to going home and deciding what I want to do with my life and where I am headed to.

      I heard You call, Father God. You whispered Your plans to me three years ago. You told me that You wanted me to serve You and You alone. Slowly You developed me in areas that I had left explored - my writing, my spiritual gifts -and now I am on the edge of yet another discovery. But is it really from You? Or am I just taking another emotional trip? I need confirmation. I need a sign God. Not that I don't trust You, but I would rather have You comission me again to ensure that I have Your approval in this matter. I will not go forward if You are not with me. Never.

      Was reading through my archived blog entries and reread all the things I've been through for 2004. Mainly my job stint at YouthQuake which was very dear to me since now it no longer exists and also... my spiritual walk.

      I revisited moments in my life in 2004 when I received words from the pastors, "...God wants to restructure your life..." and I remember the awesome greatness of my Father when I heard those words of truth through my pastor. But I also remember the next line, "...but you must be freeflow...".

      Simply put, open to the influence and guidance of God for Him to mould me and build me up to His expectations.

      Sometimes I wonder as I look at my recent entries of my blog and I notice the fire has gone out of my writing, or so it seems. Has it really died? Has my passion for Christ simmered down and threatens to go out like a candle in the wind? I don't think so.

      It's going to be almost three years that I've been Christian and I need to remind myself why I am Christian every single day. It's not a one time thing and it stays with you forever. My faith needs to be exercised every single waking moment, every single second-minute-hour, in every single situation. Not just by prayer and the typical amens and hallelujahs, but by standing strong and persevering. Being courageous doesn't mean you have no fear, but rather it is to feel fear and yet not falter, to feel fear and yet not run away from the situation whatever it may be, to stand and face those personal demons and keep on standing until you've faced them and conquered them all.

      I don't know why I am writing all this. It seems that God has taken over this blog entry and I am typing this following His will. It is an encouragement to myself to read all this as I type it out and it serves as a reminder for all of us Christians out there that our job is not done. Everyday we face personal battles and they come in all shapes and sizes. As I read my blog, I am encouraged to see that I got over some major challenges in 2004 - financial challenges and relationship challenges - and I rejoice in triumphing over them. But I know my challenges for 2005 will be greater - leadership challenges and self-grooming challenges - I know the latter challenge sounds funny but well... it's a thorn in MY side that needs to be taken out and dealt with this year!

      Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, you know God is with you no matter how much you screw up. You might walk into His presence with your heads drooping and feeling like THIS is the day when God will finally lose his patience with you. But it's not true. We can approach the throne boldly and ask for grace and mercy in our time of need. When is our time of need? When we screw up most obviously!

      For those of you who aren't Christian, I seem to talk of God like a person. He is. It's a unique relationship but no different from the relationship between a child and a father. God loves each and everyone of us and you might be thinking that you don't need someone like God to love you, but He loves you anyway. You might think you've been such a mess your whole life and He couldn't possibly love you, but He loves you anyway. That's how awesome God is. He's not a judge, He is love. God is love.

      Today was an inspiring message from Pastor Nick at Frontline Church. I'm beginning to get used to the whole church scene here finally after a month or so. It's not like WHC where people are so warm with you. Here, people are expected to be practical, mature and businesslike. Not that it makes them less human, but it is a different mindset and different level of spiritual maturity being built at Frontline.

      Nevertheless, today was inspiring and God whispered many things down my ear today. I thought it would encourage those of you who serve God back in Malaysia or any Christian brother or sister out there:

Pastor Nick:
We must learn to serve in another's house like Joshua in the house of Moses ie serve in another's vision

God:
Mei Ling, know what that means? If you can't be faithful with the things of others, how am I supposed to entrust you with things for your own self? Keep serving!

Pastor Nick:
If we are to become a person of greatness, we need to draw from that source of greatness, which is...

God:
God...draw from Me. You know you can't manage everything using your brains or natural talents. You need My supernatural strength, don't ever forget to come into My presence.

Pastor Nick:
We must learn to choose and gather men and women who will stand with us as our disciples to fight in our army together with us

God:
See? It's not easy to be a leader. It's going to be tough to choose men or women who will live and die together for the cause you have chosen. But I will be here to train you into a leader who will lead many, provided that you are faithful enough.

Pastor Nick:
We have to learn to pass through the battle and persevere until the battle is won.

God:
You are still in the battle. Don't leave. Don't flee. Stand and do not faint, persevere daughter, persevere!

Pastor Nick:
It took Joshua 38 years to wait until his destiny to cross into the Promised Land to be fulfilled.

God:
In other words, I could have told you your great destiny now. But it's gonna take time for it to come to pass. Sure, I allow obstacles and challenges to come to fill in that big time gap so that you're trained. It can be a long wait, are you willing to wait?


      At the end of the preaching, those of us who felt that God was speaking to us through the words of the pastor were invited to come to the front to be prayed for. We went down on our knees as Pastor Nick prayed over us. It is funny to observe that last week, I was battered by God about forgetting Him. But this week instead, He chose instead to remind me that He had placed a destiny of greatness in my life. Something that after trying all my best, I cannot shake out of my life.


      God has promised me many things. Among them concerning my future in serving Him and also future undertakings concerning writing and publishing which some of you who know me well have heard me talking about it. Of course there are other new projects that God and I have been talking about in my private time with Him which I shall not reveal yet until God has given me the conviction to do so. But I guarantee you this... if I persevere and stand and wait and watch until His will is done, certainly these things will greatly benefit God's kingdom! Just thinking about them gets me so excited! Monica, one of these days I shall send you an email detailing what God has said to me.


      It's the toughest job to be a Christian sometimes. There are days when you wished you could just throw everything aside and live like anyone. Sometimes, I wish I didn't need to be different but God has better plans than what goes in my mind.


      I miss Malaysia dearly, I miss ushering in church. There are so many faces that I have not seen for a month (has it been a month already?) such as Monica, Michelle, Connie, Charissa, Belinda, Joseph, Jason, Daniel, Clement, Justin, Chor Kiong, Karen, Jenny, Abby, Jadeline, Caleb, the pastors, Vicky, Clarence, Chrysler, Uncle Cheong and Aunty Janet, Jedidiah, Julian, Wilson Tan, my tuition students, Eam Beng, Zhet Shuang, Zoey, YY, James, Canny, Grace, Moy Geat, Pei Yin, Jaclyn, Marie, Kheng Hoe, Annie, Gillian, Aunty Louisa, Johnnie, Stacy, Cathy, Angie, Joan, Joanna... there are so many more if I were to go on! I miss you all so much! I miss the jokes we share, the places we go together to eat and laugh. I miss the hugs and the smiles. I miss worshipping together with you all! Well, I'll be back soon. I just have to keep telling myself that. I'll be comin home soon!