Dear God, I don't know why. I was rushing my assignment all night through until 2am in the morning and woke up at 6am to rush to Wangsa Maju to get some things printed because my printer's spoiled. Then at 10am I have a tuition session for F4 mathematics for the first time with two new students and later rush to college to meet my lecturer to pass up my assignment. After that chem practical with Dr. Wong and the briefing for the UK program for next year at 3pm then followed by cell group tonight at the hostel and evangelism at the same time too. Sounds like a hectic schedule God, but I don't know why...

      Why I don't feel rushed or flustered?

      Could it be because at 2am this morning before I went to bed I prayed despite my tiredness and asked You to bless this day and my cell members that my tiredness and packed schedule would not interfere with Your will? When I bowed my head in prayer and willed my mind to focus on You could it be that You sent angels to administer to me so that I would feel refreshed at this moment? You answered,

      "but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

      Some people ask me how I hear from God. Is it a voice? Is it that I see a ray of light shining down on me? I can't even begin to describe what it is to know God is speaking to me. It's a personal conviction. And believe me, it takes a lot of convincing to actually believe by faith that God is speaking to me. I used to be an atheist and it took a personal encounter with God to make me realise that there are things that science fails to explain.

      But God, I digress and stray from the topic. I can't help it when I talk about You. You've filled my life with lots of love and grace and I'm eternally grateful that I can be in heaven with You one day and not worry about condemnation anymore. You've taken away that feeling of emptiness and it inspires me to keep on pursuing the days even when there's no reason to go on in the world I see now. Thank You for opening the eyes of my heart Lord.

I love You, God. How I love You!

      How much can you endure about your blog? By subscribing to a free online journal and writing your most intimate thoughts and have links added to other blogs of friends and etc, you open yourself to the public scrutiny of not just close acquaintances... but also the general public.

      I remember when I first set up my blog. My goal was to have a place where I could be brutally honest about everything. Meaning whatever I wrote there, would be personal, general, honest and sincere. I have admitted my faults there, ranted out my rage there most of the time and cried bytes of tears while I tapped on my keyboard to send out a whimper for help in my cyber world of friends. I've received feedback on how much this blog has blessed people, impressed them, motivated them in their commitment to God. But I've also received interesting opinions calling me a hypocrite... and that I don't know what I'm writing about. I've had people who left messages on my tagboard insulting me so personally to the point they were talking about my body and how I looked and made distasteful remarks about me...meaning it could have only been done by someone who knew me and had seen me before face-to-face to say the things he/she said.

      But I really believe in God's sovereign control even through my blog. I've been through a time of discipline where I became emotionally dependant on my blog for security and God rendered me talentless for a while in my writing. I've gone through the phase where I wondered why my audience would never give me the due credit of my writing. I wondered why on earth did I get so defensive when close friends tried to talk about my blog and help me become less addicted to it. I have been through all that crap and I decided months ago or a year ago (can't remember) to dedicate this blog to Christ.

      My blog will always be my personal journal. You will still read about my thoughts and occasional happenings but the focus has definitely shifted. From a science student's observation, my blog has "evolved" if you put it that way. I once had gushy, shallow and unrefined writing. Now... it's still not refined. But I rejoice that there is at least higher amount of substance and things that actually matter in this life. Ranting about lost friendships and not solving the problems in the real world are long-gone. But my stand about my writing has always been the same from the beginning: I don't have to answer to anyone about my writing style because I write with the guidance and conviction of God, and if you don't like it, don't read it. You can give me advice and even lecture me on my writing style but if God approves it, I feel ok with it then. Because at the end of the day, I answer to God and God alone.

      So those of you who know me and my writing style... it has always been forceful and blunt. And I guess I sound like that when I drop comments into tagboards and message boxes. Just a word to bloggers out there, no one has ever managed to control 100% who's going to read their blog. So both negative and positive feedback will always come in no matter where you start a blog online. The more important issue is how do you handle these situations? Why should you care if they do criticise your blog? It's part and parcel of placing something online and its within the scrutiny of the online community...

~nuf said. Shalom.

      I have a throat infection again. Plus there's a boil-like thing that has grown at the back of my tongue on the left. So whether I'm talking, swallowing, eating or drinking, it is very painful. The throat problem isn't as bad as last time when I had blood in the mucous but this time it's made my brain fuzzy and I can't hear properly. I was talking to a friend just now and my words sounded like I was speaking through cotton and I couldn't focus. I feel fatigued and I'm breaking into cold sweat.

      But you know what? Not for one single second am I doubting that God is deaf. I believe with all my heart that I might be a wreck today but somehow or rather, God can still use me to be a testimony. I believe in healing and I believe that being sick will not stop me from being good natured today. I refuse to lose my temper at anyone although I really feel like it. Honestly, when I'm sick it does "wonders" to my temper and thinking, but I will try my darnest best to stick to it.

      God, sustain thy daughter. When it gets unbearable, remind me that I'm not alone in this. That You are near.

      I was a delegate at the Planet Shakers 2004 Conference recently and all I can say is that the conference has really made me realise a lot of things about myself and about God as well. I heard from speakers such as Russel Evans, Sam Evans, Mike G, Matt Fielder and Chris Long. They talked about a lot of things... leadership, the Holy Spirit, our position in Christ, campus outreach, youth ministry and many other topics. I really don't know where to begin to tell about the things I have been hearing from God since I made the decision to commit to the conference because until now I am STILL hearing from God. There's one thing I remember from Sam Evans is that she said that Living Water softens... it softens the grounds in your heart and that the softened soil will make it easier to pull out the weeds. When our soul and hearts are so saturated with God's presence and Spirit, whatever weeds that were choking our position in Christ will be easier to pull out. Right then and there I committed to be more open to God's influence in my life and stop saying, "God, don't touch THIS part of my life."

      I can't remember since when I started to experience people (good and bad) tell me things about my life and my future. Some of them are close friends and family members, some are enemies and some are strangers... they've told me things like life is limited and one can only go so far in doing things or excelling in a career, and I believed that. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and its ALL things, not SOMEthings, mind you! Yeah, the reality of it that bites the most is that you can get so fired up in a conference or a night rally and then and there you are like, "Yeah God, send me! I will go! I'll lay down my life for You!" But what is our response after the conference, when the glory of that moment has faded into nothingness and you're back to your mundane life back in college or school? What do you do with your boring life and the discouraging plainess of it?

      I do not intend life to go back to normal. I do not intend to see things still be the same and nothing has changed. If I can tell my friends that PS04 has impacted me, then the things around me should start to get impacted as well. God's word doesn't go void and I don't intend to let it go void either. If we hear from God and don't do anything with the words He has given us to bless others, then it's as bad as not hearing from Him or being stagnant in your faith and ignoring God. What is my response now to this Jesus I encountered? What am I going to do with the things entrusted to me by this Jesus?

      I remember how it felt to be a heap collapse onto the floor and crying my heart out... I remember hearing Justin crying nearby with equal abandon. I remember how those of us who went for the conference were on our knees raising our hands to God wanting more. That desire... that want... that hunger... can only be filled by God. Jesus, please don't pass me by! Can anyone explain what it means to be overwhelmed by God? Can anyone fathom the deepness of His love? I think not. I cried because I felt so unworthy before God and I needed forgiveness and mercy... but after crying... I stood up in His presence and wiped away the tears because God isn't just here to humble us. He's here to anoint us and empower us to do His will. He sends us out because we are His children.

      I see the reality of ministry. Yes, you will see the good results, but we must prepare ourselves for the not-so-good stuff when friends start persecuting you, you get scolded for being "holy" and sometimes.... your cell group just won't grow. It's a fact of ministry we all have to live out. But the key is to never give up, to never give into lies from Satan that tells you you'll never make it. Who wrote the book of "Never"? Who told you that you were good-for-nothing and that you would never beat the giant with a stone and a sling? Instead, we were given a book of Life that told us that life is full of screwups, but at the end of the day, the good guys will always triumph. Not because they're just "good"... but because they made a stand to believe no matter what that things would work out. That there is a God and God is real and almighty. Life sucks, but we have a God who never sleeps 24-7 and is still in control even when you aren't.

There's nothing my God cannot do
There's nothing my God cannot do
There's nothing my God cannot do
There's nothing my God cannot do
~ try saying this outloud when things get REALLY bad... challenge your faith...