God.... I'm so tired. I need Your touch... aside from the daily noise.. I yearn for Your refreshing Love. God, I need You.

      God, I want to give thanks for...

My job which now I'm worried that I'll get fired but I'm going to thank You anyway for all the things I've learnt from it so far...

My apartment and my housemates because they can be so nice and caring

My cell members for being there for me with their presence and the way it heals the hurts even when I don't tell them I'm going through anything

My colleague Nina at work who entertains me for countless hours at the expense of her sanity and car fuel

For churchmates and pastors who really give a living testimony that You are there God as long as I open my heart to let You touch me through the people around me

For the guitar in the apartment which has been good company whenever I felt tired and challenged. The music was good

For ex-colleagues and blogger friends who have been encouraging me in the flesh or offline with genuine concern and love in times of need and praying for me as well

But most of all...

      Thank YOU, God, for being the light of my life. For ligthing the path during dark moments and guiding me through uncertainties. For the times when my heart first moved at the consciousness of You. For the quiet mornings at 6.30am where I praised and worshipped You in song and words. There is none like You, Lord.

      Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

      Yep, I'm officially 23 years old and darn proud of it. How did I celebrate my birthday? Well... yesterday at cell group there was a chocolate-nutty sorta cake waiting for me after we closed and it was cool to blow out candles (its my secret favourite... i love blowing out candles!) and then my cell members joined in prayer and Monica led them in prayer. It was extremely cool as I felt so loved and truly God was smart in making sure we would never be lonely when He gave us our friends! I wished that by 2006 I would have 12 committed cell members in my own cell group and we prayed about that too.

      Got a gift from Vicky - a diary - and a handphone holder from Jaclyn *huggles* and a cute artistic creation by Charissa which was awesome to hold in my hand. Not to mention having my churchmates wish me happy birthday and hear them sing in English, mandarin and Hakka the birthday song! Later in the evening I shall be seeing Vicky for a birthday dinner. It's a good end to the day and it makes me feel so priviledged to be born on this day when people celebrate your presence.

      On a more serious note I realise that I'm 23 and its not an age where I can goof off anymore. I'm an adult and I've awakened to the fact (recently) that I have to act and think like an adult already. To be frank, it hasn't been honest. I can't deal with responsibility and stress as well as some think I can, only a few close friends like Monica would have probably seen all the sludge and dirt in my life.

      This year is going to be a significant year because I'm learning to be independent and getting the hang of having a fixed schedule with my working life. At some point, I realised yesterday night as I lay crying in bed that I had to let go of some friendships starting this year and refocus my priorities. I know I'm going to earn the title of being "serious" or "holier than thou" or "not fun anymore" but I understand why it has to happen. I want to see great things happen for God, but it will not come through me if my life isn't so great to begin with. I can't act like a 16 year old and expect to dispense wisdom when people think my maturity level is lesser than theirs.

      It's going to hurt and frustrate so much and all I can do is to depend on God. It is a hard price to pay in Christian discipleship that the things you once enjoyed need to be crucified, and left on the cross with all the bad things in life, and start afresh on a journey mostly unknown with Christ. Jesus never said following Him was easy. He never said that we'd be rooted firmly to one place... It is a risk to be Christian and to follow Him and some cannot sustain that in their lives. But God, oh God!!! I don't want to lose sight of the future You've showed me! I stumbled so much lately... inconsistent Quiet Time... angry thoughts... destructive behaviour... doubt... I've done it all. Yet in Your grace I was reminded everyday that I'm not alone... that You are good, and Your love endures forever!

You Are Good
by Jeff Deyo

Some would say that You cannot be found
And some would say that You are far away
But I know You're the God who lives in me
And I know You will always have my heart.


'Cause you are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good, you are good.

You are the only One
You are the One that I desire
You are the only One, my King.

'Cause you are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good, you are good.

      I've been surfing for the past 2 hours plus for looking for information online and to tell you the truth... I haven't found much that is concrete but at least I've downloaded a great deal of material to read up on and try to digest as soon as possible. I think this new job is fulfilling and challenging at the same time. Yesterday was the first day on the job... embarassingly I found myself nodding off around 11am and at 3pm. It really was my fault because I had only 5 hours of sleep before that. Today was better and I redid all my work from Wednesday and the improved clarity was a blessing indeed and I at least pacified that ache within me that chided me for being inconsistent and lazy the day before.

      Right now listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's "I Will Be Here" which is an awesome song. Something that I would sing and promise in my heart to the one in the future who I would pledge my life forever in marriage. Really simple words but touching and eternal *sigh* Don't worry, I'm not sad about being single... I actually prefer the words by Javi Velasquez in a song called "I Promise", check out the lyrics,

Lord, you know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, you know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto you
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

'Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto you
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

  &nsbsp;   I'm happy and content now Lord. Things aren't perfect in my life, neither is it in the lives of others. I was telling You how I hated growing up and assuming the responsibilities of an adult (planning my finances, stopping childish and teenage quirks and speech, being an example to others, learning some seriousness and decorum), but it is well with my soul now, Lord. It might not be a happy case for me sometimes because I am such a rebel most of the time but God... I do want to change because I don't want to stay stagnant.

      Lord, I want to learn to be faithful. I want to learn to lean on You not just at times when things are bad, but to surrender to You daily when even things are going well. To learn to put into Your hands the talents and gifts you have blessed me with. It is only in total surrender can I ever learn the true essence of what faith means.

      I know some of you don't know this, but I'm moving out of my house after Chinese New Year into a friend's house. No, I did not quarrel with my mother and we are good with each other. It is because of my job and by moving to Wangsa Maju, I needn't brave the daily Ampang traffic jams and being WAY nearer to the PUTRA station would mean longer sleeping hours *chuckle* It's going to be a test of my survival skills and see if I am really that independent as my friends' claim I am. Learning to manage my finances, planning my daily schedule and my commitment to God and church... all these things are constantly in my mind and of course, my work is one of my priorities. I have praying every night since I got the job that God protects me from straying from Him. My schedule will definitely be busy and there is the temptation to get really busy and forget Him amidst the hustle and bustle. I could be active in church and STILL forget God, that part I am going to handle catiously from now on.

      Bros and sis', pray for me especially for these coming few months as I work, serve God and manage my personal time and finances. I need a lot of maturity, wisdom and grace to survive this. Even this is only the second day of work, already I feel a spiritual burden and the tears nearly came yesterday. Maybe I felt tired and physically drained but for what its worth, this won't be the first or last time to hit in the months to come.

      God, help me through this. Living as an adult is such an alien thing to me. So many people think I'm streetwise and smart enough to survive, but I'd rather not measure up to their expectations. I'd rather depend on You for strength and hear what You have to say about my everyday and my future. Guide me and lead me daily, Lord.

      Amen.