Thursday, June 10, 2004 06:13 p.m.
I have possibly been the biggest idiot in the entire human race for being a blabber mouth. Good intentions or just plain idiocy, I was wrong and I'm sorry for it. I betrayed a friend's trust today and it's been the most painful thing to ever cut into my heart. All the cheap talk about "being there for you" and "you have my support" seems to have faded into non-existence. I am such a loser and I feel it deep today. I couldn't help it, I cried. If I could turn back time I would (sounds cliche, but I still wish it) but even saying sorry seems a futile effort.
I guess even I can be sincerely wrong. I am humbled.
And I am sorry. I wanna be friends again.
Thursday, June 3, 2004 01:41 p.m.
On Tuesday night, I decided to go to Charissa's house to burn 16 CDs. Little that I know it would take more than 2 hours. So by 11.30pm I realised that I still had four more CDs to burn. So we hopped into her cousin's family car and I was dropped off at Wangsa Maju LRT station around 11.40pm. Little did I know when I alighted onto Ampang Park, I saw the departing bus to go home - THE FREAKIN' LAST BUS!!!
With no money in my pockets except for the RM1.10 in my wallet, I turned around and found that even the LRT station was closing. Taxis were double-charging and they had all gone with the remnants of party animals in them. Across were the public phones, but my 10 cents were in the form of TWO FIVE CENTS!!! The tears were in my eyes and I really felt like sinking to the ground and crying. But something made me stop the tears. So I stood there looking at the empty streets.
A bus came. It could only take me to the nearest stop - Ampang Point. Meaning I would still have to rely on my legs to walk. So, as I set out walking I was comtemplating if I should spend the night instead at the hospital, meaning sleeping in the corridors. I guess it'd be better than wandering the streets and sleeping in the hospital, no one would ask me anything. But I felt so stupid thinking of it, that I continued to walk.
As I walked for about 10 minutes, I began talking to God. I was so desperate for a friend and no one else was around to talk to. I kept looking at my phone for Charissa to ring (knowing her, she'd call) but it never rang. So I began telling God how my day sucked and how the heck I ended up here walking at such a late hour. I was freaked out. I was afraid of getting robbed, raped or worse still killed on these lonely streets. I basically realised that I was all alone and no one could protect me. Only God could be my protection that night and at last I stopped freakin' out in my mind.
Charissa called and we talked a bit to calm my nerves. Then it was finally silence as I walked. But I wasn't alone... God was talking to me all the while. It's more like walking with a friend and it somehow made the walk shorter. I was cold, thirsty (my water ran out) and my feet were dragging. But at least I didn't feel the fear of losing my life and sanity. Most of all, I felt a calm within me. At first, I was worried that the uphill climb to reach my flat was near impossible. But that night, I managed to reach home slightly after 1am in the morning. The walk took less than an hour and the best part was it happened so fast that I didn't even feel tired at all!
As I walked, I not only talked with God, I prayed for protection and sang songs. Too bad for those who heard me shuffling down the road and thought that I was an apparition. I couldn't see straight actually because my eyes were so tired that I could fall asleep walking I reckon. But when I finally saw my flat, I was happy beyond measure that I had come home safe and sound. I tumbled into bed after a while and slept happily.
So what's the moral of the story? There were many things learnt from that night of walking with God. One of the few things I realise that the experience wasn't some freak accident. Rather, I believe I was disciplined and chastened. I have been a rather pig-headed Christian for a few months. I haven't learnt to be humble. I have never admitted that I needed to depend on Him. But that night, I guess I finally let pride go away and say, "Only You."
I had a talk with my CG leader at home just now and I guess if it weren't for that Tuesday night's incident, I presume that the "restructuring" of my life that she proposed wouldn't have gone so smoothly. I realise that I might have said a lot of irresponsible things but I found myself responding positively and I didn't ignore or give a negative reaction. There was a calmness that I had regained. A calmness that I once had last year. It was back. I was glad :-)
I guess I've gotten my perspective back. I am even looking forward to be cell leader now. But now I know what I needed to learn from that Tuesday night. So God, when I lose my perspective again or I feel like sanity's slipping away...
... I'm going for a walk home with You.
Monday, May 31, 2004 04:22 p.m.
Had an interesting day at World Religion tutorial today. Most of it seemed to largely amuse me more than educate or edify my mind. My lecturer made this interesting remark: "You can't tell me that you believe in Christianity 100%. Why? Simply because we all have sinned here and there. We're not perfect. If we believed in Christianity totally, we'd be holy men/women by now. But are we..nope."
Anyone care contribute their pinch of salt here?
Before that my lecturer had already asked who was Christian in the class. There were three of us and he seemed to be intrigued that there were so few. I'm still wondering what's so captivating of having only three in the class. Does it really matter. Then he went on talking about karma and how that killing even a tiny mosquitoe would inflict bad karma upon ourselves. So using a question my friend asked me, I challenged him with this, "Sir, let us say that one day you face this man. If you don't kill him, the world will come to an end and everyone will die because you didn't kill him. Would you sacrifice you karma to save the world?"
Guess that question stumped him enough for him to answer a lot BUT the question I posed. He talked about how bad karma affects the people around us yadayadayadayadayada but he did not answer me question. Not even a yes/no. Then he made another remark, "Let's say you're sitting in a plane with a guy who has bad karma. He dies of the plane crash and all the others die with him. No one can know who has bad karma." Then he continued and said that even if he was chased by a wild animal, he would not kill it to avoid bad karma. If he gets killed, then too bad. But he won't kill the animal. I retorted and said that it seems like karma is full of uncertainty in a sense that no one seems to be able to escape it no matter what you do.
But he never did answer my question in the first place. Unless his answer is "too bad..." which I will not put upon him until he says it with his own lips.
He was also talking about personal experiences in the spiritual sense and he was asking the Christians in the class to share a testimony about it. I again spoke since fate seem to favour me so much today. Talked about the Holy Spirit of how it speaks to me when I want to discern right and wrong things and etc. By then a lot of people were chuckling at the lecturer because it was so obvious that he was hell-bent against Christianity.
I wish I could have just told him face-to-face in class just now that my relationship with God isn't some religion that World Religion textbooks have classified. It's a true and personal relationship where I talk, interact and worship a God that is so real that it sometimes makes me feel so overwhelmed by it. My faith is based on God and His Word. Believing in Him 100% doesn't mean I will become holy and sinless instantaneoulsy because I'm not perfect, neither am I Jesus Christ. But I know that my faith is based on the cross. Based on that man who didn't care about karma or any buddhist notion. A man who readily gave His life to save the whole world, even if it meant separation from the Father in Heaven when He took upon Himself the whole world's sins as they nailed Him to the cross.
The church is full of fallen, broken and sad people. But these are people who realise that they are fallen and that through their brokenness, they ask for their daily bread and help from God, who gives them a new hope and a new reason to live. They need not worry about their karma, they need only believe that Jesus Christ has bridged that gulf and uncertainty and is leading them into God's kingdom. Even I am broken but I have faith that even if a freak accident comes, I will be in heaven with my Father.
Sunday, May 30, 2004 05:25 p.m.
"...Would you believe me if I said, that you don't need to wait for the answers before you step out in faith..."
~ Hope, Hillsong Church.
Lord, I lay down my life for You
together with my doubts
That no matter what the insecurities and pain
that love from You will not die out
Lord, I may feel small and worthless while I cry
yet however unworthy and how many times I try
Never can I erase
the memory of Your sweet embrace
So help this daughter of Yours
remember Your grace
That in times of delusion and wavering of faith
what it feels to fall into Your hands that wait...
Lord, so many times we feel disappointment, challenges and doubts surge up in our lives. Yes, we once felt that fire rise briefly in our hearts only to have it die out into cold ashes and fizzle out in the end. But You never change. In sunshine or in the storm, You are Jehovah God, You are our Abba Father who never changes and never ceases to love us for all our imperfections. No matter how many times I feel broken, no matter how many times I cry; You are there. When I lift my hands to You, I not only praise You, but I adore You, I love You and most of all...
... I surrender to You my questions, doubts and fears. Amen.
Monday, May 24, 2004 05:30 p.m.
It's been a long day in college and many things have been going on my mind since last night. After an interesting telephone conversation, I've decided to write about some things that are personal in my life to enhance my opinion. Call me biased, but the best way is to tell it as it is from my life and not rope anyone into it lest I offend any parties.
No one said being Christian would be easy. In fact, seems like the ups and downs have increased ever since I gave my life to Christ. Souring of relationships, falling into burnout and depression, going broke and feeling lonely and tired. Things that have never really hit me until these recent two years. I can't deny the times when I asked God in frustration (and irritation), "Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?!"
But as I review my Christian walk and look to how Jesus taught His disciples to live a life of righteousness and holiness, I found that from the world's standards, He was a bad leader. How? Well, instead of saying, "Follow Me and you'll never fail in your life. Everything will be smooth sailing when you follow what I say." Nope. He didn't say that. In fact, to emphasise His leadership, He said things like, "If they persecute Me, they will persecute you in My name as well." Meaning, guaranteed hills, potholes and most of all... pain. Jesus could have kept quiet about that, but He chose to reveal the realities of being a Christian, a follower of Christ. To be exact, when people looked at Him hanging on the cross, all His promises seemed to fly out of their minds!
King of Kings? Naw... King of Fools seemed more like it.
Here's what Jesus has to say, "Following Me means getting a lifetime contract where people would probably laugh at you for being My follower. People might even curse My very name and persecute you because You are my disciple. In fact, stones, bricks, sticks or even knives might hound you for the rest of the life. Not to mention your family and friends who might condemn you because they don't understand you. Heck, you might even be all alone in the end and not even have a friend to turn to."
But it's not a life of condemnation that Christ offers to us. It's a life of freedom. True you might suffer for His sake and go on a rollercoaster ride of faith that leaves you tired out and resentful. But we Christians press on because we know that there is a higher purpose in all of this? Christ overcame death when He died on the cross and death has no power over Him. What can men do to us? Yes, I can't deny the pain, but the point I strive to drive here is that amidst that pain, I see Christ. Amidst the sadness I see Him cry with me as well.
People basically have a good opinion of me. Mei Ling is cheerful, Mei Ling is helpful and Mei Ling is happy. But perhaps they should remember that most of the time inside Mei Ling feels inadequate, Mei Ling feels disappointed, Mei Ling feels angry and Mei Ling feels lonely. Sometimes it even hurts to go to church or to my friends' houses and interact with their families because it reminds me too much of how incomplete my family itself is. When I see how a friend hugs her little brother it reminds me all too much how long it has been since my mother last hugged me. When I wish I had a dad like Pastor David it hurts to think about it because I know that he'll never be my dad. Instead I'm haunted by the fact that I'll never be able to find my own father. When people complain about their siblings, I have the urge to scold them because I would give anything to have siblings whom I could talk to when I come home. All my childhood memories revolve around the times I had fun with my FRIENDS' family and not my own and that in itself bites like anything.
Amidst all the pain and confusion most of the time, I have to hold back the tears. When I'm in a crowd laughing away, there is a sense of "I wish I could have this everyday" feeling. Even writing this out now strucks a deep chord within me and I find myself fighting back hot tears that threaten to spill. But the assurance I have now is that I'm not alone. I used to think that no one understands. That no one could ease that pain. But I know a man who understands. A man who cried like me in pure desperation, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?!" A man who didn't care if I knew Him yet, a man who loved me for who I am and not what I do or don't do. A man who felt equally betrayed by His disciples when they fled and even denied Him three times when questioned. A man, who embraced sinners like brothers and sisters.
A man, who was more than a man.
My problems will always be there. There will always be some imperfection in my life. Friends who forget me, and a parent who will never understand me. But I have a perfect God in my life. A God who loves me so much that at times I can't even understand that love. A God who is the Father I never had in my life. Whether I acknowledge it our not but my soul knows it well that when I go into the dark room, when I'm lost, He is within me and with me all the way. The days when I rejoice and worship Him, He is there. The times when even talking is painful, He in turn speaks to me and I listen for comfort. I see Him in the eyes of those who care, I see Him in the eyes of those who love.
But I see Him most when I look into the mirror and I see the tears flowing out. For He cries with me too. I am not alone.
If I had nothing left in this world, I would still have God. Believe it or not, His love is all I'll ever need.
Love unfailing
overtaking my heart
You bind me in
Finding peace again
fear is lost in all You are...
Thanks for reading this. Feel free to comment away. I pray that this piece will be able to touch or help people in some way. My passion for writing is fueled by the endless desire to one day glorify Jesus with my words. Rough as they may be, I can assure you that all of it comes from my heart and soul. May God speak to you and touch you with His love today as you read this. Amen.
Sunday, May 23, 2004 10:50 p.m.
"I see a word flashing by two times. The word restructuring. God wants to restructure your life into something so big that you can't imagine and comprehend. But you need to be... freeflow. You need to be open to Him."
God. I will take up the challenge. I will let You do the restructuring. Forgive me for ever forgetting the calling You've placed into my life. To reach out to the lost and to be the leader You want me to be. To even remember that full-time calling that would one day come into reality where I can fully commit myself to do Your work and be Your partner in God's Kingdom. When the oceans rise and I feel so overwhelmed by the things in my life and Your voice gets lost in my confusion, doubt and pain... Lord, remind me again what it is to Your disciple. Remind me again that love you've put into my life. Remind me again my salvation and assurance that I have in You.
I cried because I felt so inadequate before You last night, not because You couldn't help me, but because I was too scared to let You love me. Lord, forgive my foolish cowardice. Forgive this daughter of Yours who longs to be with You forever and ever. I need You so much in my life till the pain of not hearing Your voice in my spirit makes it hard to breathe even. I want to be the person You want me to be. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I will press on. It's worth it. Lord, not because I will gain entry into heaven. But because I love You, truly, madly and deeply Father God.
"I cannot see my friends go to hell while I'm going to heaven! I've got to let them know...Lord. I've got to let them know!" ~ Revival Prayer Planetshakers.
May You always shine in our lives Lord, to touch the broken hearted and to touch lives that need a touch from heaven. Amen.
Monday, May 17, 2004 11:31 a.m.
*sigh* Here I am in college now. My first day back in college!!! Some changes have been made most obviously and one of them is that from seven tutorial groups, I find myself seeing six tutorial groups left in my course. From Group 5, I've been bumped up to Group 4. Meaning new group mates and friends I suppose. Another high point for me would be this semester's timetable which to most is not good (I think) but for me its wonderful:) I have lectures and tutorials the most until 5pm but most of them end around 4pm *YAY* and to top it all off - I have tiny breaks between each class most of the way. That means things won't be like last year where I had to scramble to classes and spend mind torturing stretches of classes back-to-back to make me go more insane from my natural capacity.
I hope things go well for this semester. Just found out I might face the possibilty of preparing my final year presentation for this semester instead of the next semester. But I suppose its better that way. then I can focus for the next coming months:) To add more positive news to my life: BIOCHEMISTY won't be taught by last year's lecturer!!! No one can make me fall asleep like her, so I'm looking forward to this semester with a lot of hope:p
