Wednesday, July 6, 2005 06:53 p.m.

      After battling the past week's tonsillitis with its ever recurring fever episodes, hacking coughs and cold chills, I have officially gotten over the bug. No thanks to NHS's penicillin. It was prescribed to me to chase away those nasty tonsillitis bacteria, however I never knew it would make it worse (thus confirming I'm allergic to penicillin). The more antibiotics I consumed, the more recurrent my fevers. I was so sick of being hyper for a few hours revelling in my new found consciousness and later be bed-ridden that I ignored medication. Which in fact... DID make me recover. I give glory to God for healing me speedily without any medication. Thank you, Jesus!

      Throughout the time I was sick, many things have gone through my mind. The things I thought over were really things that I had mulled over before getting sick.

      I have something to confess...

      I hid from God.

      For the past one month (last Friday was our anni"month"sary of being in Liverpool), I have been a Christian by name, but not by deed. How so? I guess for the firs time in my life, I tasted some spiritual independence. Oh, it was well and easy to promise God that when I reached Liverpool I would find a good church, spend time with Him every day and not slide in my spiritual walk. But did it work? Not as well as I thought it would. I did find a great church, found a cell group and tried to read the Bible every day and pray. Best thing about this all was it didn't even last for more than a week. Somehow, something went wrong - I went wrong.

      Instead of praying, I was either busy reading my work, going for walkies in Liverpool town, chatting with coursemates or chatting online, blogging and sending emails. Sure, I never missed church on Sunday or cell group, but my heart's fire had died until the spark was about to go out. Yet I knew that I was wrong, doggedly I would promise God every night that "tomorrow I will try, I will commit", and yet that promise would be repeated for the next 4 weeks. I stopped praying, I stopped listening to God and I stopped believing.

      Don't gasp in horror! Not that I stopped being Christian. I just stopped believing in a lot of things like - God should be my #1, I should be praying about this, I should follow God's value and not the world's beliefs, I should bless my food before I eat it, etc - but one Sunday when the pastor was preaching about remembering our testimony in Christ, remembering what it means to be in love with God, it all just fell into place! See, I had been going through these four weeks in Liverpool thinking I was invincible and that with or without God, my life felt just great, in fact, wonderful. But yet everytime I tried to convince myself that I was happy 100%, I could never manage to feel that completely. There was a void.

      After that sermon, I left feeling that God was so sad about my state. There I was, me, the girl who serves in World Harvest Church as assistant chief usher, who is a cell leader, who goes for evangelism weekly at the college hostel and Menara Alpha, the one who has proclaimed herself to be a Christian writer and called into full-time ministry... there I was...

      ...I was nothing. Utterly nothing.

      As I made my way to the bus stop, I could feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks as I struggled to see my way. God was speaking so much in my heart telling me to remember my first love, to return. My throat was so sore with emotion that it hurt to breathe. Inside of me I felt sad because God was sad. I felt that I had let down my best friend in the whole world. I felt that there was nothing worth boasting more than my awesome God but here I was shaming my God with my backsliding. At that moment I felt cut to the heart, so much that that depression carried into the next week and never left me. I prayed for forgiveness and yet the guilt would not leave, in my desperation...I emailed a good friend. This is what she told me,

      "...Remember the passage in John 15. He is pruning you, disciplining you and moulding. Discipline and pruning is always a painful experience, but look to the joy and the reward after that. Look up, and look to the future. Jesus talked much about many people who have seen His goodness and not believed in Him. Seen the miracles and chose not to trust in Him. You know all this yet you face the struggle deep within you. Why.. God is humbling you to know that He is the Source. You thought you knew how to trust in Him, but He is leading you to a greater level of trust in Him. God is always humbling us. No one has ever made it in their walk with God. The struggles you faced two years ago, you will face now. Why ... because it is our inherent weakness. The flesh. It wars against our new nature, only the Spirit can overcome our old nature. But we have to make a decision and choose. Stand on the Word of God. Read the Word of God. Meditate in it day and night, Stop giving excuses about insufficient time to read the Word of God and to let it dwell in you. If you don't have the Word inside of you, you will never feel that sense of assurance even if you pray. Word and prayer goes hand in hand..."

      I thought I knew God... in fact, I've just begun to feel His great presence here in Liverpool. I feel the sense of loss of a parent when a child has wandered off. When He calls, the effect is a tug straight at the heart. Previously in Malaysia, I was in my comfort zone, I was the leader and the challenges were well met because I had people around me to support me. Here, despite Frontline, I have to face the fact - I am alone. It's not loneliness in a bad way, but rather good in a way I have to train myself to be spiritually independent, to walk my path with God as an individual, not as a member of a big group. For if I fail in my personal walk, there's no way I can benefit the body of Christ in a collective sense when I go back.

      Why am I writing this? It's not easy to confess that I have fallen, because I am a spiritual leader in some areas and people who do know me would never have seen this coming. Well... it did. Some people say reading my words encourage them, I hope by being so honest here about my failures will not serve to discourage instead. For me personally, God has always been the one to demonstrate to me that without Him there isn't anything. Without my God, my life is just meaningless because I'm not going anywhere the rate I'm going. I have nothing to look forward to if it wasn't for God. Without my God, I wouldn't choose to live a righteous life. Without my God, I wouldn't have seen the goodness of Christ in my life or taste forgiveness for my sin.

      I'm here on this earth to tell His story. To make life on this earth different, to draw heaven so near that the boundaries will be shattered and gone forever. Most certainly I will stumble along the way, but as I learn to master my foot steps, with every different obstacle I overcome and learn lessons from, the path will be headed the right direction. It hurts to be wrong and fail, but no one learns from a life that is easy. It's a school of hard knocks for Christians as well and I realise just how much more I need God in my life.

      I need Thee, I need Thee, oh I need Thee,
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour

      God, keep that fire burning. Burn it deeper... let Thy servant worship not in the outer courts of the Tabernacle, but at Your feet where the mercy seat is. Where nothing separates us. At that place Thou knowest Thy servant's heart for it is not hidden in shadows, but clear and open in the Light of Your unfailing Love. I need Thee every hour.