*Wonders what Roanne is doing right now*

      These school holidays have been reflective on my part. As the year draws to a close...I realise that 2006 has been a year of ups and downs. I've told myself after counting and recounting the "downs", I have resigned to the fact that I need to be a better steward of God's grace upon my life for the coming year. To see the grace withdrawn and to come back at a trickling and slow pace has been frustrating and disappointing at times. No, I'm not disappointed at God...at myself really. But that's behind me now.

      It's amusing how when you tell God in your heart that you want to throw everything aside and forget what you set out to do with your Christian life that...He intervenes. Not really like the proverbial thunderbolt or booming voice shining out from the clouds in radiant light...more like through conversations you have those who are of younger faith, watching a brief moving scene where a teacher teaches the student not to "give up on yourself", recent SMS-es with a brother in Christ about what it is to be a disciple.

      The more I run from You, God...the more miserable and empty I feel. I'm addicted...but its a good fix. I'm down with G-O-D I guess. Seriously, anytime I feel down and I dare to let God know about it and pray, "God, I need encouragement...I need refreshing..." God just responds then and there. It's not an overwhelming feeling of tears every single time...but it is a quiet assurance that God is God, and will forever be there for me.

      I like those lyrics from All For Love... "All for love, a Father gave, for only love could make a way. All for love, the heavens cried, when Love was crucified. Oh how many times, have I broken Your heart? But still You forgive, if only I ask..." God, I can't imagine how tiring, irritating, painful and frustrating it is to deal with a creation that tries to break every single rule in the rulebook and has the guts to come crawling back for forgiveness! I have yet to learn to practise such forgiveness as yet,,,

      Being a disciple is tiring at times...I need to be good, I need to commit myself to a life of prayer at times when I just need a good nap. I need to let go of my hurt and embrace spiritual freedom which is scary in fact. I have to say goodbye to personal desires and be serious with life and guide others to a better path. I have to remind myself that being a leader at times means reducing my conversations to goodness, revealing less of my emotions to my peers.

      God, You train me to depend on You. How nice it would be to be able to see You in person and talk to You, get to hug You and walk next to You! I really wish for once...just one time... but I know it is not meant to be so soon. I have to learn to love You in the spirit. My emotions and intellect may trick me but my spirit is well and alive and recognises Your Spirit's touch. What more could I ask for?

      As the year draws to a close, God I ask for forgiveness for this year's wandering. For asking for an inheritance too early, for wasting all my money on things of the world. I'm home, Dad. I'm covered with dust, but You've ran all the way out of the House to cover me with a hug. Something that I never imagined possible until I experienced again and again this year.

      The Prodigal's back for good. I'm home again : )

      Having worked as a supervisor at GRC PJ for 10 months and still counting, I realise I've learnt a lot from observation and practice.

      I realised that home-schooling kids are somewhat protected from the real world, sometimes the sheltered lives they live is detrimental instead of helping. And yet, these kids possess another kind of maturity and innocence that those of us who are toughened the hard and hurtful way outside would envy as well.

      These kids know their potential. Although a tad too idealistic and unreal with certain aspects of the society...they know the basic things - stick up for one another when the going gets tough, have a conscience that is so tender that when reprimanded there's no hiding it.

      This coming Dec 7th one student in my life will catch a plane and start a new life in Aussie-land. Something that is rather bittersweet. As I had just began to discover just how valuable this girl is - Roanne Lau. Looking at her demeanour, you'd think she was probably around my age already. Her quirky humour, mature outlook on life and the way she holds herself... you'd never think she was just THIRTEEN years old! She is quiet, but NOT quiet as well. Timid but NOT timid as well. She is introverted but NOT as well.

      Not that she's a walking contradiction. It's just that there are so many beautiful sides to her that you can't find an end in discovering them. I'm sad because its hard to find a "kindred spirit" in such a young soul. It is my honour to have been a teacher and friend to such an exceptional young lady. She's going to be a real blessing to her new friends and I wish her all the best. I sense a natural fear of embarking on something totally foreign in all senses, but I know she has a tenacity and ability to handle it.

      God bless you, Roanne. May you soar on eagle's wings. One day, we'll meet again and I am certain, you will be greater than where you are now.

      Award's Night came in such a swift state of blurness that I can hardly recall anything except for the performances and the brief moments of eating McD's with the kids. But the one thing that did make the night a shining jewel of a memory was the performance staged by our very own GRC PJ.

      It was a brilliant performance. No one forgot their lines, timing was excellent and the singing was cool. Everything just fitted like magic that night! After numerous practices that never seemed to meet the standards (resulting in yours truly screaming, throwing tantrums and hissing threats of calling off the skit), the practice prior the actual event was bad still...By the time it was the real thing, I'd worked myself up so much from the previous night that my migraine never left me and got significantly worse on Award's Night itself.

      I recall mentioning to Grace about it and forgetting. Was quietly restraining the tears from dropping out as my thoughts kept worrying over the seemingly over-jokey attitude of some people. However, suddenly Grace walks in out of nowhere and asks whether I was still sick. Before you know it, the two PKs - Grace and Jon. Roberts - are praying for my headache...and I was healed..:-) of course that made me want to cry even more...so touched mah, aiyo!

      I heard so many nice comments about the GRC PJ performance that I couldn't help smiling the whole night. Even the VIPs were fairly entertained over the performance!

      I just want to tell all you who acted or sang in the skit... Bravo! I'm so proud of you guys!

Have just heard of an awesome preaching from Pr. David on having a spirit of excellence in doing the work of God. I don't know why, I just knew today was going to be different as I stepped into church, from the worship until the preaching of the Word. I've probably heard him talk many times of being excellent in the things we do for God...but somehow..today was my kyros moment, my appointed time between God and me alone.

As I look back on 2006, many things have happened in my life that I can't even disclose to anyone close except Jesus. I have lost many things and yet wisdom was gained through the hard way. My personal prayer is that I will not be so stubborn anymore in 2007. That when God prompts my heart, my responsiveness will be greater than this year. As I ponder and plan my resolutions... I realise the things that have happened this year were my own doing... I chose to go my own way on many things and thus God had to step aside and let the self-willed prodigal find her way back to the father's arms.

And God never disowned me.

Instead as I sat there listening to the preaching...ideas, thoughts, words of encouragement, faith, hope, strength...Oh, so many things kept pouring into my heart! It's taken me months to recover from my fall, but somehow... God was never out of the picture of restoration. At times for the past 2 weeks, I wondered if I was walking in His will... I realise the only source that could tell me if I was could only be found in the Bible where it tells me that if I have God in my life and abide by His principles... I will be walking in His will.

The personal demons have been served an eviction notice. Devil, I'm walking in spiritual freedom and you can't take away what my Jesus has given me! I've got a Saviour and He's living in me, whoah!

I'm just thankful for the past months that I still see His grace in my weaknesses. The more I realise that I can't make it alone anymore, the more I see how God can use those deserts and turn them into oasis' of hope and restoration.

I'm going on a 40 day fast to set my priorities straight. To set my perspective straight for 2007. No more wandering, God. I promise. But if I do stray, I promise that I will run back to You the moment You prompt my heart. God, I offer my life unto You once again.

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me
since the day I was created
Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope, determination, patience, love and thanksgiving
Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,
to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice
instead of evil

But most of all, remove not the ability to cry
when sadness sees fit for tears,
remove not the ability to feel sorrowful,
confused and lost at times
when my emotions seem to tether
between reality and a self-conjured wall of security
Remove not the yearning to be the person
you want me to be and even more than that,
remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and
banish notions of wanting to just exist, breath and eat
remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift you have placed within me
the difference that separates me from the animals and plants
You have given me a soul that is capable
of feeling the good and also the bad
a soul that rages against the unfairness of life
a soul that weeps when it is afflicted
a soul that learns day by day to depend on you for
renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend
Remove not my feelings despite the pain because
without the pain,
I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort
and unfailing love
Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me
stairways to honesty and acknowledgement
of the times when I fail
that you were to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend
remove them not

Jesus, thank You for being my friend. I love You.

      If I keep this up *looks at previous blog date*, I'll be blogging every six months!

      Sometimes I yearn to blog, I long to find a place where I can just let my fingers run wild over the keyboard and go clickety clack for about an hour with such freedom. But nowadays, there's not really time for that. But today is different, I feel that adrenaline rush to write after such a long absence from pitas. I really miss writing and it is a passion that I've neglected. I owe my own blog an aplogy *smirks*

      There have been a lot of things that have happened in the past two months. I attended a Bible course organised by my church for two weeks in September which was really awesome. Learning of the move of the apostolic and getting to see many participants from other nations, seeing things like people dancing in the spirit, holy laughter and a great outpouring of God's anointing was eye-opening. I was tired out but I know spiritually, things were deposited and I'm keeping them!

      Returning to school was yet another experience. Being away from them for two weeks was a bit difficult, because I sincerely missed some of the younger ones which I always love to hug and kiss. I was concerned for the teens because goodness knows what havoc they were cooking up in the seniors' room. Of course upon returning, I was swamped up with some overdue paperwork and catching up with the work routine again. There was a commotion between some students and myself whereby values had to be knocked hard into some to the point where I myself shed some tears surprisingly, signalling beyond no doubt that there was something in me that made me care for these students no matter how hard I told myself I'm not a big softie.

      There is one thing I've learnt from the teens in school that compels me to write it out - DON'T EVER UNDERESTIMATE THEM. You can scold them, you can pinch them, you can nag them and of course you can love them... but never take them for granted. There were times when I first came to this school that I thought teens would never amount to anything the way I saw them handle their lives sometimes. But as I sit down with them during lunch, occasionally prick up my ears and eavesdrop on their conversations, I find that though they went through life with some bumps and crashes here and there...they still knew the basic things in life - - - Stick up for one another when the going gets tough, have the common sense to correct one another, respond to correction when they know they are wrong. And I think that's enough to get them through life. Because their hearts are right where they should be.

      Sometimes a teacher learns much more from the students than they will ever know. As I look at them comforting a brother who is down in tears... I know I never made a mistake keeping them in prayer. Here a bunch of bright, energetic and passionate group who know that Jesus is the ultimate awesome God. Here is a group of young people who irritate me to no end with their obnoxious bantering but at the same time inspire me to teach.

      Josh, Soph, Grace, Jon Roberts, Bryant Sum, Roanne, Chanelle and Dawn; thank you for being the real you. I see glimpses of my teenage impulsiveness and passion in all of you. It reminds to keep being true to myself and not be swallowed up with adult seriousness and boringness. God bless all of you... Happy Children's Day.