the past two days have been hectic and confusing... seriously, if i were to quit... it would be something that would be my biggest regret, and yet i do not find any reason for me to stay. sometimes, i worry so much for all of you kiddoes...until the point that i feel like very much like a parent.

but having said that, i realise as grace said that I can only do things to a certain extent and leave the rest to God. i have been playing God unknowingly. maybe its because I remember that it was because of one teacher in the past that made a big difference in my life and the cases where i see teachers who choose not to make a difference in their students lives. Guys, I love you all too much that i have to care! And yet, when i run into a wall, self blame comes. it is my fault...i didnt do my duty...etc etc. Always, my response is to run and escape.

Hahah...i suppose no one has ever seen me be so defeated. No one would imagine that a teacher would get so discouraged. Praise God that He spoke during the chapel and the worship. I realise that although I am not God and I will never match his perfect patience or love... but at least i can try.

I do know you guys care. I never gave up on any of you or the school. I just gave up on myself because that is my biggest weakness - discouragement. And more than often i am impatient with my failures that i would rather just drop everything and leave.

But i realise that if that was the case. Jesus had more right to leave everything and everyone. But he didnt. And I shouldnt as well. Because it is not His will at all.

I will remember everything u all said to me. Josh... thank you for what you said to me at lunch. I remember every single word. I will definitely be there for you until you graduate and even beyond if you need me then. Soph, I would never leave without seeing you graduate either, so I will see you later kiddo. Grace, I have seen the light and my eyes are opened again. All of you, thanks for never giving up on me.

This is a case where the teacher becomes the student, when the students have unknowingly taken on the role of an educator. Thank you for the most valuable lesson... you have taught me to value myself again not by my ability or results... but by what God has given me.

Love you, GRC - PJ. Lets take the world for God!

      Sometimes I wonder if I'm cheating myself the way things go... I remember how many years ago I used to tell myself and those around me, "I would never be a teacher! Never!"

      And yet the first proper job I ever landed was teaching as a 19 year old temporary English teacher at my own high school. My students were 16-year olds who knew me from Form 6, which kind of made things weird for them because they didn't know whether to call me by my name or address me with a "Miss" in front.

      But I was hooked on teaching. Secretly inside, nothing gave me more satisfaction than to see young people develop their potential and fly beyond the society's boundaries for them. In short, I loved teaching!

      Fast forward now, having taught in GRC for one year and and one month plus [yes, I do keep count!] the experience has been rewarding so far. I have never encountered students who could tug my heart so much. I hate seeing anyone of them cry, I hate seeing them fight with each other, I hate seeing them feel down about life and give up on themselves. Can I just say that no matter how much I feel like quitting, I can't quit.

      Yes, I cried today. I cried a lot today over students. I still feel like crying right now even. I'm not crying because they were naughty, or because anyone was misbehaving in class... I was crying because I realise just how difficult it is to be a young person living in this current world. It's even tougher for them now. The values, the expectation, the desperation to pull through seems to pile up on them much faster than my generation. The unforgiveness, the hurt and pain they inflict or are inflicted by others... where did they learn all that?

      The world is coming to an end. Hearts are getting colder. And I realise that I allowed my heart to get cold for the wrong reasons. I might feel like I've failed my students. In fact, everyday, I feel like a failure before them. I am a friend, but I'm not a helpful friend. Friends uplift one another, and I wish I could do more and lift them out of the mould sometimes society or others like to put them in. I long to tear away the labels we adults [we used to be younger] put on them.

      I refuse to believe that any student from GRC is useless! I refuse to believe that anyone of them will never make it just because they're slower a bit from the rest! I refuse to say that there's no hope for some who are at GRC! I cried indeed, I cried because I feel the helplessness of Jesus when we looked at Jerusalem and cried in desperation. When he looked at the multitudes and sighed because the people were lost like sheep without a shepherd.

      I will not give up on anyone of you. YOU will make it. Yes, you who read this. YOU will do ALL things because you have CHRIST who strengthens you all the way! I will never give up on you...and I will never give up on myself. I will wait for that day when you will stand and walk on your own. I'm just a brief chapter of your life, but I pray that for just that brief moment together, let's make rainbows and wipe away the clouds. Let's create a future and not be held down by the past.

      I'll be fine kiddo, and so will all of you. I'm sorry if I made you worry. I'll get back to what I'm supposed to do... educate.

      "Intelligence plus character is the goal of education." ~ Martin Luther King Junior.

      Grace, Kelvin, Josh, Soph, Roberts, Dawn, Naomi, Shoon Fai, Brandon, Chanelle, Brenda, Shabeta, Roanne, Bryant, Lydia and the rest... I'll never give up on you. Don't give up on yourself yet... the best is yet to come, kiddoes!

      I've finally let it go. And I think blogging about this somehow will be the final time to release it. Don't worry, guys. I'm okay already...

      It all started from this sentense...

      Your parents were sleeping with each other even before they got married. Everyone knew about it...

      ...your mom was over at my place for a night...and next morning your parents were in the same room...

      ...you were most probably conceived even before they got married...

      ...the divorce is your mom's fault...she brought it on herself to take care of you alone [you mean mom didn't really love me?]



      Yup. Those were the words that my aunt told me at Burger King's, KLCC about 3-4 weeks ago the Saturday before the school's worship retreat. It was our first meeting after 15 years and she spent an entire hour dishing out what my parents did when they were young.

      The first thing that happened after hearing one by one the details was I suddenly shrunk inside. My self-esteem withered away, I felt restless... hurt... abandoned...betrayed... Mom had always had strict principles about premarital issues and now.... pardon me but I felt like crap!

      No matter how hard I tried to change the topic or restrain my aunt...she wouldn't stop rambling..hence more poison into my mind and heart. I don't know why, but I just felt extremely small and hurt and I desperately wanted someone to run to but I couldn't...in the end I took my leave. Already, a catch was in my throat and the tears were threatening to drop out. But I just smiled and bid my aunt goodbye and left as I held onto the tears.

      The next few weeks after this incident was a blur...was busy at work but every single time my mind was free...the conversation would replay in my mind, I would feel like crying. I felt cheated. It got so painful that at one point, I just gave up on myself. I felt like my parents didn't care enough about their lives and I was just a burden, that's why they carried on with the marriage. Unknowingly, I had lost hope on myself. My self-worth was gone. Everytime I looked at my students, I realised just how much my life DID NOT resemble theirs - they had a complete home, though not perfect, but at least complete. Their parents would send them to school. I learnt to take the bus to school at 10 years old. Their parents would hug them when they cried...I spent years crying silently into a pillow at night to muffle out the sobs of loneliness.

      But I broke all this one night in my room. Thank you, Monica for being there for me. I finally let it all out, I cried and I raged. But she was there to say, "...it's not easy. Anyone would feel hurt in this situation..." I cried and finally all the tears bottled up for weeks were released.

      Its been a week since I let it go and I realise that I let things of the past [that didn't even have ME in the picture] hold me down. It came to a point where it disrupted cell group, my walk with God and my work at school [sorry kiddoes if for the past month I've been moody]. But not anymore. I've put the devil to shame!

      No matter how small people may try to keep me, God says I can be big because He is bigger than all my problems! No matter what or where I've come from, I know for sure I'm on my way to the best Home I'll ever know! No matter what my parents did in the past, I am in the future where I know forgiveness is a better alternative than hatred or hurt!

      I don't think I'll ever ask mom about what happened in the past. It doesn't matter. I just know that all these years, she raised me with love and care. She's the only parent I knew all this while. I don't think I hate my dad either over this. Everyone makes mistakes, even I am not exempted from that. I just know that I want to share the gospel with him and tell him from my heart that i love him and forgive him for any mistakes in the past.

      Yeah, I'm a product of premarital-sex. I don't judge my parents anymore... I love them. As someone older said, "What other people saw as a bad incident, God meant it for good."

      I was born by God's planning as well. He knew I would turn up. For His purpose, His will, His work. And God, it is a liberating experience to be able to praise You and thank You that this mistake in the past is not a mistake after all. I live in Your love. Thank You, LORD!!!

Catherine,

Your personality is Choleric Sanguine

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