Tuesday, November 2, 2004 10:05 a.m.
I felt lost in the hotel yesterday. I felt out of this world as we began to worship God. There was a tangible presence of divine quality to the air as we raised our hands to the heavens and combined prayer and singing together. We ended with a roar of Shout To The Lord. You could notice the shift in mood as everyone sang out their profession for God, as we once again dedicated ourselves to God and relived that overpowering presence of God in our lives. As we sang the words, "...at the sound, of Your name!" the crowd's voice raised in unison into a resounding roar as we really shouted to the Lord.
After that was some minimal scripture reading which continued to healing and altar call. Being in the front as catcher gave me a closer view of the direct working of God on the lives of these people who had travelled after much hardwork from their countries. I heard prophecies and revelation released and saw people fall under the presence of God as the Holy Spirit took control of them. Some were crying like babies on the floor as they lay sprawled, some were shaking, some were praising God in their own languages. Truly, it was an awesome sight to see!
This is my second round of being at MTI as a spectator. I yearn for the year when I will join MTI and learn from Pastor David on apostolic ministry. I want to tap into that river glory that God has in store for His people on earth. I desire to carry the torch and spread the gospel to the ends of the earth. I yearn to be so close to God that its as if I can feel and see Him face-to-face. I realise that in order to have a close relationship with God, it's not only God that has to draw close, I need to make that active choice...not once, but EVERYDAY. It is a spiritual discipline that needs to be upkept everyday, a spiritual discipline that needs God's grace there because we are not striving against a futile result.
I realise that during this time of great anoiting at MTI God has reawakened the desire to do more for Him. I realise that its also a sign to me that I have not been the things I planned since last year. I should not rely on one season of great waves of God to sustain me. I should build the atmosphere of God in my life day in day out. True, I could draw on the presence of God for this brief one month but it would eventually dwindle to nothingness and the fire within would need to be rekindled. It is my duty to upkeep my spiritual life within me while relying on God for grace and strength to pull through. Under such circumstances, I ask myself, "Mei Ling, when you don't flow with God, when you can't seem to find God and things go wrong, guess who moved? You or God?"
Father God, I believe that You sent Your Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for me. I realise I'm a sinner and that I believe that Jesus died for me so that I would have a new life in You. I believe that Jesus rose again after three days and this sign tells me that I have victory just like Jesus did. Oh Lord, I believe! Make me the person You want me to be, not what I think I want to be. You have my future in Your hands, hands that were nail-pierced so that I would live again in You. Lord, I believe in You. Accept this prayer of rededication to You. Place Your scaffolding in me. Teach me to build my life on the Rock, my chief cornerstone, Christ Jesus. I do not want a castle of sand that the storms will detroy, rather, I would build down in order to build up. Occupy the deeps in my life and bless me day by day to have the deeps of God in time. In Jesus' name, amen Lord.
Saturday, October 30, 2004 08:38 a.m.
Have you ever woke up in the morning and the first thing you wanted to do is tell God how much you love Him? I woke up realising that things have been very turbulent for the month of October. But then, I wouldn't want to trade all the tears, struggle, frustration and pain for a listless and smooth life. It is through these problems in my relationships in home, the strife I feel between friends and the wounds on my heart that have made me stronger. I truly believe that.
I really think the biggest enemy to me is time. It's amazing how the littlest things can take up so much time from my life. Sometimes, its a deliberate effort to find time to talk to God. When I first accepted Christ, the first year was fairytale in quality. Prayers were answered, worship was excellent in body and soul and spirit and I was growing fast as a Christian and I literally soaked everything I read from the Bible.
But after one year... I wanted to grow faster and guess what? I prayed.. "God, turn my life upside down for You. I want to be more like You." And well... it was answered. My relationships with friends fell, I began to experience interruptions when I was with God. The worst thing would be that I would be in church and yet I felt I was so out of place, I'd feel like such an alien and the songs just seemed like words with melody. I couldn't find God and I was freaked out!
To cut the long story short... you finally arrive with the person I am today. A person who has learnt a hard lesson that God at certain times of our life would choose to withdraw His presence (not out of spite) to discipline and cause us to grow despite His absence. I am still learning patience at this moment in my relationship with God and it is growing steadily. I see effects of that relationship in the people around me. I find at certain times when I talk, I can impact people. It's not out of my power... I may be a college debater but some things I can judge my own limitations. Just the other day, God used me to preach to my tuition students (yes, I teach) after they've watched Passion of The Christ and one of them was so touched that she began crying hard. And I preached the gospel... in MANDARIN. Something I have always desired from God but was afraid to do it because I thought I was unworthy. But obviously that was not the case that night when my students felt touched and embraced by God's love! Praise the Lord!
Sometimes, we wonder if God is silent for a reason or for NO reason. Sometimes, we go through seasons of plenty or draught and we try to make head and tail of it. I'm telling you at certain times, NOTHING will make sense. Nothing at all, really. The most important thing is to stick to your God, to stick to Him no matter what. To hang on to your Rock of Refuge, Christ Jesus. Like Peter said it, "Lord, to where can we go?" Peter realised that JC was the One, the Light to the world!
May we never forget the meaning of grace in our lives. It's because of grace, I can still be alive and live a purposeful life. Ask yourself, "What's so amazing about Grace?"
Here's a song from Casting Crowns...
Who am I
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours, I am Yours.
I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours.
Monday, October 25, 2004 08:32 p.m.
Watched Passion of The Christ, but arrived late because of debates in college yesterday afternoon. But I came just in time to watch the scene where the Romans were flogging Christ and when they pressed the "crown" of thorns INTO His head until blood began to trickle out of the puncture wounds...
I didn't cry. Every scene that followed later, the many falls Christ took, the blood and the crunch of bones when the nails were hammered into his palms, the pop of his shoulder as it dislocated... did not make me cry. But it did leave me with one feeling.
Watching the violent scenes on big screen and up close from the fifth row from the front put me in direct view of the wounds from the whippings, the flaggelated flesh, a rib poking through, His half-closed and swollen right eye... the dogged determination to overcome pain to carry the cross... it wasn't the act of hurting Him that made the impact. It was the wounds that He carried. Which human in his right mind would want such wounds to be inflicted for no crime committed? I didn't cry but the question in my head was, "Christ, You did all THIS for me even when I wasn't born?"
I'm again transported to the scene when Jesus said that there was greatest love than this - to lay down your life for your friends. That means I am His friend. My friend died for me. He was humiliated for me! It's mind blowing that someone 2000 years ago laid down his life for a wretch like me. Why?
John 3:16
I will never grasp the concept of pain of crucifixion in its fullness even if there were a dozen movies made on it. But I cannot deny the pain and torment was not possible for a human to bear for anyone. But God decided to do it, He decided to send His Son down to earth to do it. Jesus bore the pain. He died a criminal's death.
Amazing love, how can it be?
That You my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know its true
and its my joy to honour You
God, may we be worthy vessels to carry the message that you died for. The message that made us alive in You to carry to a world that desperately needs Your light and salvation. Amen.
Friday, October 22, 2004 09:19 a.m.
"In getting a dog out of a trap, in extracting a thorn from a child's finger, in teaching a boy to swim or rescuing one who can't, a frightened beginner over a nasty place on a mountain, the one fatal obstacle may be their distrust. We are asking them to trust us in the teeth of their senses, their imagination, and their intelligence. We are asking them to believe that what is painful with relieve their pain and that what looks dangerous is their only safety. We ask them to accept apparent impossibilities: that moving the paw farther back into the trap is the way to get out _ that that water which is obviously permeable will resist and support the body - that holding onto the only support all within reach is not the way to avoid sinking - that to go higher and onto a more exposed ledge is the way not to fall. To support all these incredibilia we can rely only on the other party's confidence in us - a confidence certainly not based on demonstration, admittedly shot through with emotion, and perhaps, if we are strangers, resting on nothing but such assurance as the look of our face and the tone of our voice can supply, or even, for the dog, on our smell. Sometimes, because of their unbelief, we can do no might works. But if we succeed, we do so because they have maintained their faith in us against apparently contrary evidence. No one blames us for demanding such faith. No one blames them for giving it. No one says afterwards what an unintelligent dog or child or boy that must have been to trust us..."
Now to accept the Christian propositions is ipso facto to believe that we are to God, always, as that dog or child or bather or mountain climber was to us, only veru much more so.
~ C. S. Lewis
The reason why I post this here, for 1% I think I know why. But ever since I read this excerpt from C. S. Lewis, one of my favourite writers, I keep mulling over it. I have been a shirker of responsibility in many ways, at times I believe that I don't need to go through so much pain because it wasn't my fault, or I don't need the pain to learn. But the truth is, like the dog in the trap, the boy with the thorn in his finger, it is true that by causing more pain it will relieve the current situation... or it will forever be a thorn in the flesh.
The past few weeks have opened my eyes to a lot of things. People who have been slacking in ministry, people who feel unmotivated to further their studies, a desire to abandon God, disappointment in themselves, defeat, an urge to masturbate, people who feel belittled because of their insignificant (or lacking) contributions to God, laziness to do Quiet Time... oh, the list could go on! But the point is, let's give it to God. For once, let us stop catching ourselves by the scruff of the neck and berate ourselves for the insufficient contributions we may have in our own miserable lives. In times when we don't seem to reap what we sow, or nothing seems to grow but even worse, it starts to rot, it is painful. You can't deny pain. Yet one cannot deny that there is a God with you in that dark room. There is a good that is behind that barbed wire, not outside in the free world not understanding the pain you go through. When you struggle, God is there to struggle with you. At times I get frustrated that God is not responding or I don't see success after rounds of trying, then I realise that it is a time to wait patiently. There is a reason for everything and the reason will be revealed IF we are willing to wait. IF we are willing to remind ourselves that God is in control. IF we are willing to realise at that one defining moment that God loves us and never forsakes us. God loves sinners like us, no doubt about it. No matter how many times we run away and come back to Him, He never spurns us from His side.
As we struggle in our own ways, as our cells sweat and groan every day, God is there. He is there. whether you can feel Him or not, He is there. My message to those of you who read it:
"Are you willing to surrender your pain to God and have Him remove it if the process of giving causes you more pain?"
Lord, help us all learn that.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004 11:01 a.m.
Oh God remove not these emotions that you placed within me
since the day I was created
Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,
determination, patience, love and thanksgiving
Remove not as well the capacity for me to feel compassion,
to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice
But most of all Lord, remove not the ability to cry when I'm sad,
remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times when my emotions seem to tether
between reality and a self-conjured wall of security
Remove not the yearning to be the person You want me to be,
remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and
just to exist to breath and eat, remove not these feelings, Oh God of mine
Lord that I may never lose the gift You have placed within me that separates me from the animals and plants.
You have given me a soul that is capable of feeling the good and also the bad,
a soul that rages against the unfairness of life,
a soul that weeps when it is afflicted,
a soul that learns day by day how to depend on You for renewal and restoration.
Remove not the part of me that makes me human, Oh my Lord.
Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain,
I would not have learnt to reach for You for comfort and unfailing love.
Remove not these feelings for they are the stepping stones for me to be honest and acknowledge the lousy moments in my life
and yet I still am able to be victorious because You are there.
Remove them not, O Lord. And that my soul knows very well why I said so. Remove not Your presence in my life.
