I had a tiring day at rehearsals for my prom nite. I guess it's the initial stress of rehearsing everything full with lightings, music and the band playing. The first trial run proved to "interesting" in all standards - coordination of music was out of whack at certain points, the emcees were having the time of their life cracking jokes at those who attended the rehearsal, a brief scramble of the organising committee running helter skelter for their lives through the hotel kitchen to reach the backstage unseen... and the list goes on.

      Everyone was noticeably on a short fuse (including myself) yesterday so I guess sparks flew but I'm glad that nothing serious really happened. As long as fist fights or bashing didn't happen, I deemed that things were still under control. I know a lot of people weren't happy with the way things went yesterday, but the thing I *did* notice was that everyone in general still followed the organising committee's lead and there weren't voices of dissent. I guess that's the way it goes in working in a team. Sure, you might not have the best leader in charge; yeah, the leading's lousy to some point and things get messed up and chaotic; but at the end of the day, you still have to acknowledge that they are the leaders and they are doing the best they can so lets push on and finish things the best we can. I salute my coursemates for being such a willing lot of people, God bless you all!

      Of course in the course of organising this prom, I have come to realise that when you are in charge, you are really in charge. You might be younger or a friend of your team members, but when you are team leader or in charge, YOU are IN CHARGE. Meaning that if things don't get done on time and you give me trouble and refuse to cooperate, the assertion of the leader comes in. There really isn't any animosity involved between friends because when you are organising a project, the focus is the project and the friendship was never attacked in the first place. As a leader, you can't really be a friend and leader at the same time, you are the one driving the people and it needs to be firm and focused, that means disciplining your members if they don't toe the line.

      I'm starting to appreciate what Monica told me once upon a time how she is my good friend but she is still my leader. This prom thingy has really opened my eyes in other aspects of leadership, the natural part of it, I mean. Although I am just a secretary but I am still involved in the prom night and I observe the frustrations and feel the irritation. I used to feel guilty when I reprimand people when I was a leader because I was afraid I would hurt them, but now I understand, I wasn't hurting them. I was guiding them and telling them what they should be doing in their jobs.

      Initially I didn't want to participate in this prom night. I hate going for formal functions because I hate dressing up and being laughed at. But organising this has taught me many valuable lessons in managing my temper, learning patience, grace and being a leader in the natural part of me. I have also begun to learn that my spiritual leaders are my leaders AND friend, but when they lead, I must not get offended because they are playing their role as a leader. But when I have a personal problem, they are my friends as well.

        Furthermore, I have learnt the power of prayer. Initially, we booked 200 seats and there were barely 100 people who were going. Meaning the committee would need to cough up money for the remaining EMPTY seats. I freaked out, I was worried and I told God about it finally. Then I committed it to prayer and didn't give much thought to the seats anymore. I just believed by faith that we would have more than enough money to cover the expenses even if we had empty seats. So guess what? We have more than 200 people going on Sunday night!!!! 210 to be exact at the moment! Praise God :) We definitely have more than enough and God has certainly heard my prayer:)

      I've done a bit of reviewing of 2004, the thing I noticed about myself towards the end of this year is my faith in Christ has increased. There were some hiccups and road blocks here and there. But I survived the onslaught and emerged even stronger in my faith. I'm still a long way from being perfect. But I have begun to see what it means to serve God with your heart and soul. It really does feel like you're using a knife to cut out your heart and you're dying while believing. It demands you to turn yourself forcefully away from the person you've been all the while. It hurts!!! I have a calling to serve God, but until I can build up my spiritual stature to the point where God sends me out to do His will in my calling, I can only wait and grow in Christ. It means giving God my all and I realise that there are many areas yet to be given up or revealed to me by God. But I have gone through the prodigal daughter stage. The time for throwing tantrums and demanding for a spiritual pacifier is over.

      Abba, tell me what I can do with 2005. Reveal to me the mighty plans you have for me, plans that will serve Your will and impact the world. I want to be a spiritual leader that is so responsive to You and open to You.

      Welcome to a new stage in my blog. Finally got rid of the pink background after much procrastination. I know it still looks dull but well, I'm not skilled at HTML and I prefer things to look simple and as long as my writing doesn't look like German after altering my blog, my job is done. So there.

      I've picked up My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers again. I've had the book for quite a while, which is an updated version, more suited for our generation. It's a daily devotional written by Oswald Chambers (he's dead by the way) and it talks alot about spiritual discipleship. I used to read it avidly a few months back then suddenly I just stopped. But suddenly again, the urge to read it came back yesterday night and I finished a whole month's worth of devotionals in 15 minutes! As I was reading it some more this morning it suddenly struck me that the day I stopped learning about discipleship was the time I began to distance myself away from God. I'm not talking about depending on my books to have a relationship with God, but I'm talking about the heart.

      Can you remember the time when you dilligently seeked the Lord? When was the last time you read the Bible and really immersed yourself into God's word? Many things I read from Oswald Chamber's book hit me hard yesterday night. Things like "child like faith", "are you really a saint?", "Friendship with God", "Disciplining yourself" and etc really reminded me that I wasn't a young believer anymore. I'm not saying I'm a mature Christian because I am constantly humbled by those who are so far ahead of me. But the time to whine and crave for spiritual milk should have ended a long time ago. It's time to walk out of the comfort zone and learn to walk with the Master already. What's a saint? Not someone who masters adversity alone, but someone who masters the ordinary. Someone who bears with the sheer mundaneness of ordinary life and does all the boring, monotonous regularities you encounter everyday and regard them as divine appointment, regard them as things assigned to you by God. If we can't handle the normal, can we begin with the supernatural then?

      But I am glad for this victory, that I am learning to let go the part of me that would berate myself for missing that divine appointment. I am learning to move on and to ask God for guidance the next round He wants me to do something. I teach my cell members to move on and to bear with the things they can't change, then I should teach myself to experience that as well before I say anything. Seemsto me I've been getting alot of training in that from God! But I am glad, for whom the Lord loves, He chastens. I know my greatest weakness is that I cannot stay put in an environment that doesn't make me grow everyday. I am someone quite impatient and easily bored with normal situations and I want to either live in extreme giddiness or extreme pessimism, it at least makes me feel like I'm striving agaist something. Too much of pride here to think like that actually...

      But there has been a change lately. The mundane stuff is bearable now. The boring lectures are still boring but they don't make me feel irritated anymore. If everyday seems to be like the same it doesn't bug me anymore because I am beginning to see the assurance around me. I begin to notice just how simple sometimes God's design is. Monotony is my worst enemy and I am winning the war against it. I am no longer assailed with feelings of boredom and I do not rage agaist God asking Him why He is quiet at times... instead I learn to reflect and seek deeper discernment and learn from the insights I get from God. It's not easy when you are being sanctified. The temptation to live the fast and easy life could work for me quite well, I've been there and done that. But I would rather be satisfied with having run the good race and fought the good fight.

      The thing I do ponder alot is my future. I am planning for 2005 and what God can use of that year of mine. I am going to graduate soon and plan to get a job from January to June 2005 before I go off to the UK. Things are still a bit in the dark, but I am going to take this step of faith and trust God to provide. I realise what Monica said was true... choose wisely. Focus on what you want at the end of the day. Choose a place to work where it will not rob you of your time with God and that spiritually, you will grow. It sounds like a hard task initially, but now, I'm slowly beginning to see the wisdom of those words. So am I still going to consider a permanent status at the NST? Not too sure yet. But I'm definitely going to try working there from January onwards until I leave for the UK to see if I am really suited to work in the newspaper line. Who knows? God might have other plans for me?

      Here's an interesting excerpt from Oswald Chamber, "...if a saint chooses to suffer, then there is definitely something wrong with him. But if a saint chooses to do the things God appoints him to do, and in the course of doing it, either suffers or not, then he should faithfully obey... if God gives you the blessing to enjoy yourself while doing something, drink your cup of blessing with grace; but if you are suffering adversity, then drink your cup in Communion with Him as well." How many of us in our minds say, "...ok, God, I'm going to 'suffer' this for You"? Is God going to be indebted to our sacrifice? If He wanted to start comparing, our sacrifices would be nothing compared to Him giving up His Son on the cross! Maybe its time to say, "Ok, God, I'm going." whether you suffer or not by making that choice doesn't really matter, does it?