One more day to go... one more paper to go.... one more exam to finish and I'll be free!!! Y-E-S!!!

      I recall a very short conversation I had with a good friend in his apartment a few weeks ago. I was busy blogging online with his housemate's pc and he was reading/on his pc (can't remember). What I remembered the most though was when I asked him, "What made you come to World Harvest Church"? He's been in my church even longer than I have by perhaps a year or so. That made him think... really hard. It served to be a reminder to me as well as to why I chose World Harvest Church and not any church in Ampang which would be nearer to where I stay.

      Did I stay in World Harvest Church because of Pastor David, Pastor Sharon, Pastor Kenneth, Pastor Gloria, Pastor Lois or Pastor Martin? Is it because the other ministry assistants Monica, Julian, Karen, Caleb, Coleen, Jadeline and Jason? Was it because I had cell members like Charissa, Michelle and Vicky? Is it because I'm assistant usher with Clement? Is it because I'm a cell leader of 5 people which consist of college students and secondary school youths? Is it because of churchmates like Asaph, Jaclyn, Daniel, Connie, Belinda and others that see me on Sunday? Is it because of the preaching on Sunday? The Discipleship Prgram that I've been attending at church?

      What is T-H-E reason I am at World Harvest Church? Because God is there. But wait, God is also at other churches around town.... why World Harvest Church?

      Because I feel called to this church. Because this is a place where I found assurance in my heart and soul that THIS IS IT.... you know that feeling? When there's such a strong feeling and conviction within you that this is the place. That sudden feeling of belonging that zaps you and overwhelms you. That warmth that bathes you over and over when you say, "this is M-Y church".

      Oh, don't get me wrong. There can be days when I feel spiritually devoid of everything. There will be days when I sit through preaching but my mind doesn't seem to register anything intellectually. Sometimes, I even nod off for a brief few seconds. Not to mention during worship when I sing and clap and raise my hands but the heart within is not uplifted, the spirit is not encouraged. There will be Sundays when I wish I was millions of miles away. Sometimes I get tired and fed up with serving in church and I want to melt into the background and never be noticed.

      I'm not ashamed to admit all of this. My spiritual life is full of ups and downs and I think that other Christians are not exempt from that. What human from the Old /New Testaments did not face disenchanment or get jaded with God? How many psalms did David write which started with frustration and anger? Notice though that at the end he still maintained that he would praise God and dwell in His house forever. Christian life is cool when you go for conferences and you get swept up in euphoria. It's uplifting when you're happy and you worship in church with such vigour and joy. But Christian life is also about the down times when you can't seem to see any rational reason to go on. Yeah, your cell leader encourages you for the umpteenth time to press on for the upward calling and prize... but you just can't seem to do it.

      At the end of the day, my church is the body of Christ and I am there to complete that body. You don't have the most perfect preachers up there. Sometimes its downright boring to hear them and you don't have perfect people leading worship and you can't help notice the faults here and there. Going to church isn't about how good the talents are there. It's not about gauging how much you've benefitted intellectually all the time. It's about the purposes that God has placed upon our lives in that church. No one's perfect. My preacher might not be the best speaker in town, but his speech is anointed by God. If you're gifted with speech yet God isn't there, what is the point? Saul was mighty and big in stature, but spiritually... he failed miserably. Instead, David, small David... slayed Goliath and became a true king of Israel. The worship team might not be perfect, but they sing to God. That is what matters.

      All Christians face the same problems of feeling down. But we wonder why some people in church seem to be perpetually happy and content? It's not because they're different from us, they feel down, angry and frustrated just like us. The only marked difference is that they deal with those feelings with the truth. Truth is, God moves through His House all the time, it's the degree of openness of our hearts to Him. Are you able to worship with all your heart and surrender your pain to Him at that moment of singing to let Him fill your heart and comfort you? People can walk in feeling sad and you don't notice it... but pay close attention and you'll see that amidst the clapping and smiles... there is a glint of tears of pain there. There is that inner strength that says, "God, despite how crappy I feel... I will praise You and worship You. Rain Your spirit on me and comfort me."

      It's easy for me to put this all in rational writing. But to practise it, its a discipline that I am still learning. Like Philip Yancey said it, "mastering the ordinary". Can we all deal with the same mundane things in life and not let it affect our spiritual walk? You'll find the truth is that at the end of the day, THAT part of your spiritual walk is your responsibility. It's between you and God. Not your cell leader, pastors or Christian friend.

      It's you.

      It's been a while since I last blogged. I didn't get lazy. I just got busy studying for exams and getting holed up at home for a loooong time reading, reading... and... reading. I still have four more papers to go this month. But thankfully they'll all be finished by next Friday which isn't exactly a long way from now actually. But well, for those who know me well, when I'm having exams my nerves are stretched somewhat thin and my temper really isn't at its greatest. But it's been a blessing in disguise that I keep my distance from people for a bit because it helps me focus on my studying and I feel less guilty for hanging out with my friends and not being prepared for my exams.

      I really wanted to start this blog with cutting and pasting something from my private journal from my home pc onto here but I thought otherwise. Somehow, there is more clarity in my mind as I blog now and I realise that all the things that have been happening to me for the past 2-3 weeks are really a training ground to prepare me for the coming months before I fly off to the UK.

      I was really hurting for the past 2 weeks or so because I discovered that well... life isn't as pretty as it used to be. I've always fallen into the trap of trusting people who are good and in the end I get disappointed. But this time, its slightly different somehow. This time, I do feel disappointed yet I can look at that person with love and hope. But God... why does it hurt too? There will be times when the demons inside of me rage and demand retribution! There will be times when I feel rejected, blamed and my anger clouds my reason and I find I cannot accept what has happened. Perhaps it is for the best that I reanalyse what is the meaning of friendship.

      2005 is the year when I learn to be part of the vision that God has set before me. To serve the church that God has led me to and to fulfill His will in my life. Fellowship is an emotional giving but it should go beyond that. We're kingdom-builders of God, and we should all work in harmony to be the stones of the House of God and work as the body of Christ. Partners, not just pals. It hurts to draw a professional standard and a have a yardstick to measure relationships from now on. But I realise that it is God's will. It is God's will for me.

      I'm afraid of hurting people, yet in God's grace and mercy may He show to them that I can't help but to obey. I remember saying it is a high price to pay when you carry your cross and live out God's calling in your life. It is. I professed my calling into ministry last year publicly. It's time to put those words of faith into action and works, for faith without words is dead. God, use me as Your vessel. Break me, mould me... but never leave me alone. I've made a lot of mistakes in 2004, You warned me about it in the past two weeks. I have cried for nights about it, my heart bears such sorrow at times when I think of You... but You have been faithful.

      You are my God and I will serve You until the end of my days.

Maybe it's time to put away
all the fanciful dreams
Could it be the time to pack up those toys
exchange them for responsibilities

Maybe... it's time to grow up.