It's funny how the most simplest things, like taking a walk down to the Mersey and Albert Dock can make you think of so many things concerning your future and the relationships you have in your life.

      Sometimes I am appalled and taken aback by the things and people I see around me. Friends whom I thought were good friends (to a certain extent) don't really seem to practice the principles that have been laid down about friendship. Sometimes, I look at people and wonder if they aren't just being acquaintances and fair weather friends with one another? Conflicts will come and go but a friendship should grow stronger. I'm not denying the possibility that there will be wounds, scars, pain and tears; but we all go through that and what matters is the other memories of walking together and growing up together.

      But here I am seeing daily scenarios played out by the same people. It's the same script but everybody takes a turn at playing the backstabber, the buddy, the understanding friend and etc. It's all the same script, the same issue and yet when you get them all in a group, they will say the script in a good natured way. Get them in groups of twos or threes, then the nature of the script changes and there are things that are not really okay and they [the group] are a close group, separate that small group into individuals and you will hear yet another version and that "...actually, we're not that close. We're on different paths."

      I feel blessed that I have friends back home that are friends indeed. We argue, we have conflicts, and there have been incidents where we all thought there was no turning back and righting the wrongs we made... but at the end of the day... we still turned out okay. Not because we're perfect human beings, or we're super angelic and forgive each other automatically; but we realise that we wouldn't have been the person we are today - strong, confident, wise, happy, humorous, thankful, patient, kind, etc - if it wasnt for that single moment when someone in that point of their life, decided to become friends with us and imparted a part of their lives into ours.

      So I end this blog post tonight by asking all of you who are reading this that if this post has touched your heart, if you've always had a lot of friends around you, take some time at this moment and try and list out as many as possible all the traits in your character that a friend has help built into your life, state their name as well. At certain points of our lives, we tend to focus on that small black dot on the big piece of white paper and forget about all the clean white space that is so much bigger than that small black dot. Dedicate your next blog post to your friend, won't you? I'll start off first then! Let me know in the comments if you've taken up this post for your friends. God bless you for reading this, you mean a lot to me. All of you.

1. Daniel - You taught me that even being young, we can be wise. We might have once been really stupid in our youth, but if we choose to change, we can. Thank you.

2. Jason - You taught me that passion for the things we do can push us beyond our limitations. That nothing is impossible to him who believes.

3. Justin - You taught me a lesson in being mature. That planning ahead for my life will benefit and serious calculation and consideration is vital for everything.

4. Charissa - You showed me how to be gentle. You are such a gentle and kind person. If not for you, I would never learn to care in a quiet and supportive kind of way for someone.

5. Nina - You helped me learn that biasness and discrimination comes in all shapes and sizes. Thanks for opening up my mind to the vast possibilities and contradictions that come along with it. You rock!

6. Mei Ying - You taught me about God. You made me realise that sometimes a human can be too caught up with human wisdom that it blinds us at the very end from the very thing we seek. Thank you for being patient.

7. Monica - You taught me strength. You taught me to grit my teeth and press on even when things never seem to let up. I have so much to thank you for.

8. Hosanna - You have shown me patience. You have taught me the lesson of dwelling in the Lord and looking to Him firmly for everything to be provided. It is a blessing to know you!

9. Kenneth - My big koh koh, you taught me how to laugh and talk about many things without reservation. In many ways you reminded me that it's okay to be honest and candid.

10. Shannon - Hmm... what can I say? If it wasn't for your example in giving, I would not be such a great giver to people around me. Whenever I remember the things you've imparted at dark periods of my life, you're encouragement comes to mind. Good on ya, mate!

11. Edwin - Thanks for teaching me that I can't push things when it comes to friendship and that being friends means keeping a form of transparency between one another. There's nothing I can't tell you and I am honoured by it.

12. Michelle - Seeing you reminds me so much of my idealisms. You too have taught me passion and I am encouraged to keep the fire burning bright when I look at how life is with you. Peace, sister!

13. Connie - Don't know how many times I've told you already. But you're instant obedience to God and instant conclusion to shine for Him and to be a good testimony for Him really has awed me and compelled me to do the same with my life. Thank you for sharing with me that precious moment in Gloria Jeans KLCC:-)

14. Jaclyn - I learnt one word from you - Devotion.

15. Jessy - We may have parted ways, but your love for God was the first thing that impressed me. You have such faith. I only wish things were different. But God bless you in everything you choose.

16. Mark Hiew - Hahaha...my tall friend! You were very brave! Remember Hisham and your sick leave incident? I really respected you for coming all the way! You rock!

17. Kay Jin - My newest friend... you demonstrate such maturity and far sightedness for someone so young. I really respect your thoughts and opinions more than you ever know. You have blessed me with wisdom indeed. God bless you in return!

There are so many people I still want to thank. I could go on forever... but unfortunately I have to go for classes now. But those of you... take up this challenge and thank your friend on your blog. Sometimes, we go through life forgetting to acknowledge the people who have made us the people we are and strengthened us in our walk through life. Don't wait until its too late.

      As she walked through the room, familiar faces were all around her. Smiling and loving. This is so surreal, she thought to herself as she marvelled at how precious these things that she once took for granted were to her now.

      As she turned and surveyed her surroundings, her friends and her pastors, the familiar buildings and things, tears began building up in her throat and she felt like crying. This is her family, her life and her home.

      And she woke up crying with hot tears rolling down her cheeks...

      Malaysia, I miss you so much!!! World Harvest Church I miss you so much!!! I look forward to the day I come back and see all of you!

Crazy Part I

Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end?
Why would I spend my time pointing to another man?
Isn't that crazy?
Sometimes God, I wish I didn't need to stay on earth. Sometimes, it's so tough to stand on the things You've spoken of into and for my life. All the while I worship a Jesus that my friends have never seen. Logic says seeing is believing. I can see You yet I can't see You too. Isn't that wild, God?

How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen?
How can I learn your way is better in everything I'm taught to be?
Isn't that crazy?
To die for You it seems brings me eternal life. Sometimes, I speak of You multiplying bread to feed five thousand, turning water into wine, raising the dead - things I have never seen happen in my lifetime yet. And yet, I find hope in the past, I find hope in the future in all that You have promised Lord. The world tells me so many things - to look out for myself, to be self-sufficient, to be street smart - and yet I am told to depend on You and I have chosen to follow a path that asks me to turn the other side of my face to be slapped by anyone. To love my enemies as much as I love myself. That's wild...

I have not been called to the wisdom of this world
But to a God who's calling out to me
And even though the world may think
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity
God though I am born worldly-wise onto planet earth I realise that You are above the craftiness and cynical nature of this fallen civilisation. Sometimes the choices I make for You don't seem to understood or appreciated by family and friends, sometimes they take such a spiritual quality that it becomes surreal in nature as I launch out in faith. And yet, Lord, if I chose to discard these ways, it would be a greater pain... it would be a bigger loss to let go of Your call in my life.

      I've been going to Front Line Church for the past two weeks, been to one cell group meeting last Wednesday. To be honest, I still feel very much the outsider over there. I miss how World Harvest Church is - friendly, warm and caring. Being here in Liverpool allows me to have the opportunity to feel like a stranger who is awkward with the church customs and the new faces around me. I was kind of sad when I first went for the service because there didn't seem to be anyone who had noticed me. At last the lady at the counter saw how lost I was and placed me under the care of some older women which made me feel out of place because they all began talking about weddings and sewing. I saw many young faces and students around my age (I think) but that first Sunday, I found God alone.

      During worship, the songs were identical to the songs we usually sing in World Harvest. We jumped, raised our hands and could dance. Here at Front Line, we dance even more freely, which is something I like a lot. I couldn't help crying for the past two services I've been for these two weeks, God has been speaking and touching me so deeply inside that it hurts in a nice sort of way to be touched and changed by Him.

      It is weird to step into Front Line and not have anyone say hi to you. In a congregation that is double or even triple the size of World Harvest, it's hard to locate a familiar face. I know Cindy who is from cameroon, Galina from Congo, Marlin from Sweden, Anna Claridge my cell leader, Jan and Cathy who are from Liverpool. Those are the names I remember the most. Of course there's Pastor Nick too, one of the senior pastors at Front Line. I've been so used to greeting people, and having friends to hug and smile at that to be in the shoes of someone who is kind of lost and lonely, its quite a new experience.

      But somehow I sense God's hand behind all this. It's not a bad situation I am in. It is a lesson to be learnt in itself, isn't it? I know God wants me to learn to be independent. I need to focus on Him and rely on Him for fulfilment in terms of relationships with friends and family. God has been speaking more clearly to me more than ever compared to being in Malaysia. Especially in terms of leadership. I've been struggling with so many values for the past two weeks and everytime I cry out to God, "It's so painful! Show me how to learn this lesson!" God answers those cries immediately through cell group here or the Sunday sermon. The feeling that grows stronger in my heart is the feeling that I am here to receive, not only give. I am here to learn more aspects of God that I have yet to learn. What are they? What have I learnt so far?

      I have learnt that no matter how long you've been in spiritual leadership, you can still slack and slide in many little ways in your faith. I have learnt that when you feel like you don't fit in, most of the time it is because you never tried to fit in or join. I have learnt that if you want something - hug, smile, prayer, help - you need to A-S-K, even if you don't really know them yet. I have learnt that submitting under an entirely new spiritual leader is tough, but possible. I have learnt that God never changes in His journey with us no matter where you are.

      I love Front Line. There is an anointing in the air and God's Spirit hovers over us when we worship. When I walk in, I feel a lot of brokenness in the crowd that seems to lifted away the moment we start to worship. Some might argue that music heals the soul. I will not debate with that but will just part with this... God made music. God heals the soul like no other.

      I was lost for the last two weeks, now I am found by my Maker.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy
Holy

The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy
Holy...

      We grow from grace to grace, faith to faith and glory to glory.

      The fairytale has been broken at last. After feeling the surrealness for the past two weeks in Liverpool, it has finally dawned upon me to start digging in my heels and work hard. It's not about walking around in the late summer nights enjoying the Mersey anymore, nor is it eating excessively just because we have a lot of money on our hands already.

      I think I am finally beginning to grasp the severity of the situation. And at this moment, I can only answer this challenge with whatever maturity I have accumulated so far and look at things seriously and refocus my goals and objectives of coming here to study - not to have fun alone, but to also hit the books and get my honours degree.

      I'm beyond caring if people will hate me when I bring up issues that might earn me frowns. If common sense doesn't work anymore, then I'll just keep quiet and do my work's worth around the house and in my studies.

      After reading some blogs, it has caused me to do some quiet reflection on my own character, my own walk with Christ and how it has been for these past 3 years.

      I remember when I first became Christian, the initial 3-4 months or so of being in church was wonderful. I began knowing a lot of people namely Monica, Charissa, Michelle, Mae, Vicky, Lee Wern, Christina, Jason and his gang of teenagers. Life was good that time. I remember the one-on-one cell group with Monica was inspiring as every single detail of God seemed to make perfect sense and the facts would just seep into my brain. I pored over the Bible drinking of God's goodness and I would constantly search for theological books to buy to fill that appetite. The result was that I began to grow spiritually and everything was great in my eyes because God seemed to bless everything around me. That, is the life of a young Christian. Just like our parents, when we are babies God will let things be easy and wonderful for us until we begin to grow.

      As I began to mature in faith, my relationship with God began to change. Sometimes, I would wake up feeling lousy and God would seem to have disappeared and hidden Himself. Cell group was boring at one stage and I didn't seem to get the affirmation I had always gotten, let alone the attention. Prayers didn't seem to be answered and Sunday service was dry. At that time, I was already serving in the ushering section of the church but I found that act of serving irritating and stressful. For the very first time, I tasted the cost of discipleship - moulding myself to the standards and ideals of my Creator in areas I didn't want to talk about. God made me deal with my habit of keeping things to myself, my submission to authority and demanded 100% dependence on His providence. During that time as well, I lost a good friend, one whom I held dear as a best friend; we had an argument and until now that rift has kept us as mere acquaintances who actually still care for each other. In this area I fell alot in my walk with God because my mind would be filled with my friend and all I wanted God to do was to restore that friendship. But I believe that God recognised that it was a stumbling block and had to remove it from my life. I hated God at a point, I begged God, I shouted to God, I cried alot.

      Throughout discipleship (which never stops) last year my major area was to learn how to wait. I couldn't stop saying, "God, I can't hear you." instead of "God, I will wait". Many times my prayer life became so dry that I felt it was pointless to pray anymore. It was like talking to a brick wall. But again, it was a part of my life that God was dealing with. During that time as well, the tough times at home in terms of relationships made my faith rock as well.

      That's a summary of my faith so far. A lot of people look at me and think that life is fine. It's not. Life is tough for the non-Christian and Christian as well. This is an imperfect world after all. There have been times where I thought it'd be great if one could assume a Christian mask at appropriate times and then be what we want to be at other occasions, but that is as bad as denying your own faith. We all live out our faith in different ways I suppose... but Jesus demanded greatly of those who follow Him, that is to take up our cross and follow Him. Tis a process of crucifying all that was once in our old nature until all of it dies and becomes a body that is totally yielded to Christ, whether it be in speech, thought or action, internal and external.

      I can honestly say that at this moment, I feel great. I love being a Christian. But there will be times when I look at the things and people around me and I feel that struggle within me to give in and forget what has been placed into my life. I too at times wish that God would make it easier, but what is easy would never contribute to spiritual muscle.

      God, do all You want with me. I am Yours.

Here's something I read in Kenneth's blog and decided to ask myself these self-revealing questions. Monica, I hope you'll get to read this somehow as well. It's the best way to tell you what's on my mind about certain things here in Liverpool which I find hard to tell you from so far away...

i am not: Going to give up

i am hurt: When no one notices that some jokes hurt more than I care to reveal

i love: to sing and write songs

i hate: people who don't make sense and refuse to be corrected

i fear: being alone for the rest of my life

i hope: to excel in my studies here in Liverpool to be able to stand as a good testimony for Christ

i crave: affirmation from people I love and care for i regret: holding back the tears when all I really wanted to do was to cry and stop acting strong

i cry: inside, rarely outside

i care: about my writing because its the way I express myself the best

i always: wish I wouldn't fail all the time

i long: for a love that will one day come into my life as it has for others around me

i feel alone: in Liverpool when I'm around people who don't share the same principles as I do

i listen: to the sound of silence when I am sad

i hide: my irritation and sadness by being quiet and thoughtful

i sing: songs alone in the night when I need comfort

i dance: when I'm in church because that's where I belong

i write: blog entries to express my bluntest thoughts

i breathe: air that still remains foreign and uncertain to me

i play: the guitar and cry because it brings me closest to God during worship

i miss: friends in church when I feel I don't fit in

i search: for more ways to submit my life to God and serve Him unreservedly

i learn: how to cope with feeling so screwed up.

i feel: that my life has never been fuller and significant than when I decided to become a follower of Christ

i know: I have to find God on His terms, not mine

i say: that I'm ok when actually I'm not okay a lot

i succeed: in stopping feeling sorry for myself for quite some time already

i fail: in detaching myself from God's grasp

Great...*chuckle* the first day of university yesterday morning and I had to doze off during lectures. Though I fancy her eyes twinkled whenever I came back to life and our eyes met:)

Not a disaster yet. We'll be packing baked beans and rice for lunch in the refectory later courtesy of a guy, hurrah! Hopefully I'll stay awake after lunch. Heavy information to be transmitted everyday!

    It's an uneventful day today in Liverpool for me. I went shopping for groceries, namely bread, butter, eggs and 3 bottles of milk (4 pints each). We are a hungry bunch and shopping is done two times a week for groceries alone *whoa* Since I had time I decided to take the 86 to Smithdown Road and tried to find my Frontline Church on Wavertree. Apparently people know about it, when I was asking for directions near Asda the lady said, "Oh, Frontline, its a good church I heard!" It did comfort me that following God's guidance for this church wasn't just a gut feeling after all... I found it, unfortunately it was closed! Well... at least I couldn't find me way, right?

      The problem was after that, I couldn't find my way back to the bus station. The streets and shops all looked the same to me and I found myself walking up and down the lanes like an idiot. It was pleasant though because so many flowers were in bloom only I didn't know their names, darn it! Finally, I stopped a guy in his 70s who was kind enough to bring me along walking with him to Asda. Along the way, we introduced ourselves and I found out his name is Billy. When I mentioned I was from Malaysia, Billy said two words I haven't heard for quite some time, "Seh-lah-math pah-gee!" I could swear my eyes lighted up after that, I can tell you that. Turns out Billy had served in the British army in 1955 in Ipoh, Segambut and Kuala Lumpur. He rattled up a couple of other Malay phrases and we continued to chatter along the way.

      We made an odd couple - Billy and I - the old army veteran recounting his glory days in colonial grounds, talking about his marriage in the late 1950s and declaring proudly, "We got married two years after I finished serving in the army, and... *winks at me* ... we're still married!"; then there was me telling him how big Segambut had grown to now and how modern Malaysia is compared to his time in our country. Odd as it was, I felt a same sort of kinship between Billy and me. We both shared the same attachment to a place - Malaysia - and we recognised that during that brief moment of 20 minutes of walking, two lives were made different when the old Malaya met the modern Malaysia.

      When the old and new reconciled and became friends.