Hi everyone, haven't been updating my blog for a while. There are some changes that I need to tell for those who care about what's happening in my life.

      First of all, my job at University Malaya is ending at the end of January. I wasn't fired, I resigned instead. Why? Well... it's a long story. In short, anyone who needs to know, ask me directly. I assure you, I won't starve, I won't be poor and I will still be alive even if I take a job with a lower pay because at least I'm satisfied.

      Secondly, at the moment I am pondering an important decision in my life. I can't really describe what it is, but definitely it has eternal impact. I am feeling confused at the moment and I have no peace in my heart. As I seek God for guidance, please pray for me. Thanks people.

      Thirdly, yours truly recently bought two pairs of heels. Major achievement for me because I HATE wearing heels. And yes, I used foundation and make up! So just thought I'd share with all of you. It's a big decision to be more "girly" for a person like me, all I can say is... I'm 24 and I want to be a woman after God's heart. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Amen!

      It's been a while, hasn't in? I remember how religiously I would post entries onto my various blogs that I manage online with recent challenges, happenings and photos of my life. I recall those carefree days with some degree of wistfulness and longing, but they've long gone and passed. But well, I rejoice over those times of rest. Now, I need to focus on my work.

      Was just reviewing the year 2005 with a dear friend yesterday night while waiting for the doctor at the 24hour clinic that 2005 has been a roller-coaster year. For some of us, the year has been stretching us in terms of time, money, patience, strength, faith, love, sacrifice ...etc. There have been many lessons learnt, unlearnt and relearnt. For some of us, there were things we just had to decide to either hold it and let it sting our hands more, or to take the brave step and remove those "thorns" and throw them out of our lives forever.

      I'm starting 2006 with the perspective that I have to learn to live like someone who is called by God to eventually serve His kingdom full-time. At this point of my life, I am working in a stable job so I can pay my study loan. I have not given up on God for providing me financial blessing and as I work towards getting a full cell group and eventually see a section of 144 after three years. There are many things to change in my life to reach that eventual goal. Right now, I am making the decision to change alot of my old perspectives in order to flow in the plans that God has in my life. Faith is one thing, making that faith become reality is another. God grants the peace and strength, but the one - me - needs to work hard on changing my character.

      I need to see myself becoming things that I never thought I would become - a good cell leader, a good daughter, a successful disciple-maker, a strong leader, a good wife... Many things that make me go, "Me? Yeah right...." those are the things I will need to change in the name of Jesus. If you ask me how I am doing, I will be honest and say I feel tired. My body aches and lately the continuous medical leaves I'm taking from work speak of health problems which I need to trust God for complete healing. Yes, from the world's standards, I'm a wreck. But look beyond the physical... I've got the Joy of God, I've got the peace of mind. These past few weeks, I have purposely turned to God first no matter what my circumstances. I've been doing things like walking out of my office for a breather and praying at the balcony or singing worship songs when I feel tired or challenged.

      Sometimes, it needs to be a deliberate act of turning to Him, not just nodding your head during a sermon and saying a couple of "amens". It's not even about reading the Bible and saying in your mind, "Yes, that's for me. Thank You, God". If you need healing, pray out loud and profess healing in your life. If you need to rejoice, jump around and laugh, sing and pray outloud your thanks to God. If you need comfort, shed those tears you've been holding back and cry out to God in your time of need. I've found that a deliberate act of stepping out of my current situation takes my mind and spirit off negativity.

      My 2005 was a time to get right with God... and I am reaching the end of that lesson. My new lessons await me in 2006 and I've gotten a preview of them - faith in personal areas that will be used for His kingdom, more faith in financial abundance, faith in healing. I hope that those of you who read this will support me in prayer, pray that God will train me and mould me and that I will not stray from His will. Thanks. God bless you! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

      It's been a while since I last blogged. Things have happened in my life which until this very moment, I am having a tough wrestling match in my mind, I never realised just how hard it was to heal this area of my life because all the while I have been hiding behind a mask that tells everyone, "I'm okay, watch me smile, laugh and joke!" That, is the biggest joke in actual fact, is it not?

      I'm not going to elaborate what happened. But the things I'm going to write after this will probably throw a hint or those of you who are in the know, will join me in prayer and have me see a breakthrough in my life witih God in the picture:

1. You are not my best friend, JESUS is my best friend.
2. I do not look to you for emotional satisfaction, I look to GOD to fulfill my needs.
3. You have never rejected me, it is my past experiences that give me that impression.
4. I do not look to you for security, significance and self-worth, JESUS is the one who provides those things to me.
5. You will not be the first person I run to anymore, I will learn to run to JESUS.

Enough said. Amen.

To all the readers of my blog, I can't remember all your names to thank you for your constant audience and support in my writing. I am encouraged that this is the right path I have chosen for my writing. But I have something to tell all of you now, I know I haven't been writing as much as I have compared to last time, and perhaps it will be like this for a period of months or even years...

Because God has asked me to give Him my Isaac - - - my desire to write. Yes, I will still blog, but it won't occupy my time like a job anymore. It won't be a weekly thing. More like a monthly thing from now on, as it has been for quite some time. I am going to focus my time to preach God's word and see people come to know Christ. I am called to be a writer and one day, God knows and God has shown how I am to impact readers of my writing..however, now isn't the time. I've been occupying my mind with serving God thru my writing when it is not the time and season for it.

Henceforth, fellow readers... I won't be writing that much already. Unless God moves me to write, I will. If not, then guess you guys will need to sms me more and call me if you want to know what's going on in my life in detail.

It's painful to bid writing goodbye. It's my Isaac, but I know God will provide. Jehovah - Jaireh, you are my provider. I will obey Thy will.

      I would just like to say that these past few weeks of silence from my blog have been challenging weeks personally for me. That’s part of the reason (aside from feeling tired and lazy) why I haven’t been writing much ever since I came back.

      It’s been a month since I’ve been back. Two things have been bugging me ?health and finance. I guess I didn’t tell any of you, but I was hit by heat rashes and it really made life unbearable for me. I wasn’t used to heat and humidity and I sweat a lot, and so it made my rashes become really bad and they were so bad that blood was seen on most occasions. On top of that, I was suddenly engulfed in this overblown anxiety over finances. I’ve never seen myself poke the calculator so much in my entire life, calculating to very last cent of all the money I would receive, give and pay for every month from November until next February! It got so bad that at one point I couldn’t sleep well at night for a few weeks because the worry was still in my heart and upon waking up I didn’t feel one single bit refreshed. Of course, that brought on migraines which left me bed-ridden from work for two days in a row.

      After a chat with my cell leader, things started to get into perspective again. Two words were left to my consideration ?fact vs feeling. The fact is, God is still in control even though things seemed like they were spinning out of track. The fact is, my finances might seem tight, but it wasn’t the end for me. The fact is, if I stopped worrying and surrendered those burdens to God, I wouldn’t fall sick so often and I would get better sleep. My feelings told me I was useless, I was stressed, I was bugged, I was angry, I was tense, I was sad and I was lousy. I remember sharing in church that in life, we have to make choices even in our personal things and situations. It took a lot of thinking, a lot of pondering?so I chose to tell my mind to quit worrying. I followed my cell leader’s advice, downloaded articles from Kenneth Copeland’s site about health and finance and I did a bible study on the verses that he talked about. In 3 John 2 it says,

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in every way and [that your body] may keep well, even as [I know] your soul keeps well and prospers? (The Amplified Bible)

      When I saw this verse, it hit me the hardest because I can prosper both financially and physically when my SOUL keeps well and prospers. The mistake we always make is that we keep looking at the situations outside our soul, thinking that’s where hope lies. Whereas hope lies in God, within us with the Holy Spirit. Because in Philippians 4:19 it says,

“And my God will liberally supply [fill to the full] your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.?(The Amplified Bible)

      I have to remind myself every single day (even at times when I make slight mistakes over finances or health) that I live by heaven’s economy ?There’s always more than enough.

      Faith doesn’t have to hold on to everything it gets. Faith freely gives, because faith is not a mind-set of expecting to do without. This is what I read from Kenneth Copeland and it really brings into perspective what I want my faith to be like. I don’t want to wake up thinking, “God, by faith I believe for a miracle, because I know I won’t have enough.?Instead, I want to just say, “God, by faith, it is in my hands already. I claim it in the name of Jesus!?

      I remember muttering to my cell leader, “I guess I screwed up this week, huh??But she didn’t hear me clearly. I was tempted to repeat the question, but somehow, there was a check in my heart, warning me not to confess negative things out loud. So I bit my tongue and said nothing. After cell group, God challenged me to review my whole month back in Malaysia and how my spiritual and natural life has been. And here I am, doing it now. I realise that without my knowing, I have put away the worry of finance for the coming months. I have been healed and my sleep is better. Faith didn’t require me to plaster a false smile on my face saying, “Everything’s okay, nothing is wrong with me!?Faith wanted me to look at the reality of the problem in the eye and say, “Everything’s okay because God is with me!?Granted there were days when I felt like calling to work and making up stories that I was sick and wanted to stay home but in the end I had to tell myself that I can make it because God is in me and around me.

      And I made it.

      This week wasn’t screwed up. It never was. That’s the reality check that came last night after cell group. I know I still have a long way to go for my faith in various areas in my life but I know I can make it because my God supplies me riches in Christ Jesus.

      I don’t want to over-project my optimism or faith level. I just want to build what I have in me so that it will increase little by little and one day I will see the fruits of my faith. At times I fall into pride and refuse to acknowledge that even I, need some help; but God has in His mercy shown me patience and love. My Creator knows me well.

      I know there are some of you out there who are facing financial and health-related problems. I wish I was right there beside all of you right now, praying for you and encouraging you. But there’s a greater Healer and Provider in your life. You are a child of God and He supplies everything to you in quantities that your mind could never imagine. Claim that inheritance from Him! Ask Him for strength, wisdom and grace in your time of need! Things look challenging, things look desperate, but God has never worried because He sees it and He has the solution!

      God, comfort them as you have comforted me. Amen.

      For those of you who are (and aren't) in the know, I've been back from Liverpool for a week already. In the course of the seven days that have passed, I have stayed at home for a few days, been to church and now have moved over to Wangsa Maju to stay in one of the apartments under the supervision of my church.

  The moment the plane was near KLIA, my heart already sensed it and anticipation built within me. I was coming home! My country! Negaraku! I am a tad surprised with my enthusiasm as I wowed over *duh* palm trees, coconut trees, the Twin Towers and KL Tower. I just couldn't help myself, I was just too thrilled to be back home! Cheers to Edwin for being such a nice lad to come all the way and pick up poor Mei Ling from KLIA. OF COURSE I had the honour of meeting someone special to Edwin who was sweet, cute and very lovable!

    So here I am now one week from that day. I just went back to work at UM for my translation job and spoke to my superior, saw my working colleagues and starting getting back into the work routine. It was slow of course because goodness knows how I can do translations at times when my brains freak out at the sight of mandarin! But I did manage a few and I was happy after all...

    But I suppose the biggest area that I would have been thinking, rethinking, planning, replanning would be my spiritual walk with God and my calling to serve Him all my life. I had a talk with my pastor on Thursday and I shared with him my experiences in Liverpool and the things that God had moulded, cut away and grew in me during those three months. I also talked about going into full time ministry and finances because for your information, I have to manage a study loan by myself which totals to RM466 per month starting January 2006. At the same time, since I made the decision to move out, I need to budget my money for rentals, food, personal stuff, money to give to my mother and tithes etc.

    Clearly, 2006 and beyond will be a challenge financially and God has already been preparing my heart for the past three months concerning this.

    Of course the issue of moving out of my house (and this time taking my PC away with me) is a clear sign that I'm moving out permanently from home. I confess, if it was not God's will, I would never have moved. You can call me a bad daughter for leaving my mom alone there. You can tell me that going back during weekends is not enough. You can even say I'm running away from home.

    But one thing I am sure at this moment is - God has called me to serve. I want to be near where I can serve and it makes things easier for it. God has approved it and I will go ahead. I do not love my mother less because I moved out. In fact, my relationship with her grew better when I moved out previously, therefore I recognise that something that seemed "bad" actually turned out to be good.... God's hand has never left it and is blessing it instead!

    I am going to focus on two things: Getting a job to support myself financially. Secondly, concentrating on preaching the gospel and seeing people get saved. Anything else that doesn't have any link with this, it will be ignored, put aside and dealt with when I have the spare time to do so. Does that mean I might sacrifice friendships if they hinder the move of God? Yes. Does that mean I might need to go through hard times like not having enough money to eat? Yes. Does that mean I need to spend even longer hours in praying, reading the Bible and seeking God? YES.

  I am a servant of God. I am here to serve, not to be served.

Dear Mei Ling,

The Exam Board for Chemistry and Biology met on 13th September and I am delighted to tell you that you have been awarded a Lower Second Class honours degree in Chemistry and Biology. I will be sending written confirmation of this together with your academic transcript showing the marks you achieved for each module in the mail to your home address.

Congratulations on your degree which is the result of your hard work and dedication. We really enjoyed teaching you all here at JMU and we look forward to seeing you at graduation which will be held in Kuala Lumpur in mid March 2006. You will be sent details of this in October.

On behalf of the course team I'd like to wish you every success in the future and we look forward to sharing in your success at graduation in March.

Best wishes

Dr. Simon

Dr. Simon Dowell
Programme leader, Chemistry & Biology

I cried when I saw a photo of a cell member's baptism. Not out of sadness, not because I felt left out. But because I felt my heart leap with anticipations and joy. I wept out of happiness. Soon, I will see them again. Soon, I will return to my usual routine of work, cell group, evangelism and church.

It helps that when you feel that the world doesn't understand you, there is always God there who does. It feels even better too when you have the support of your cell leader who is there not to make up your mind for you, but rather to analyse your decisions and point you to a clearer and refined direction.

There have been a lot of things on my mind about God, church, my relationship with Him, my relationship with my cell members and my relationship with my family and friends as a Christian. I can't say I have settled all these 100%. I'm realistic and I realise that there are things in your life that won't budge NOT because you lack the faith, but because its a matter of choosing path A or path B.

My plans for 2005 are simple. Work out the rest of my translation job at University Malaya and look for a job that is flexible for hours if possible starting January 2006. I am currently looking for a job that has a fixed 9 - 5pm that puts me in line with people and something where I can use my skills as a writer, speaker, teacher and translator to good use. I am considering of becoming a part time teacher in local high schools because I honestly love to be in touch with teens.

In 2006 I will also learn to develop more of my time management skills. In the day I will work hard as an employee and save my wages for my room rental, food, daily necessities, my mother, personal savings, tithes and study loan. Perhaps I will take on tuition on alternate nights because I will possibly need the side income to ease my financial stress more. Besides that, I will devote the most 2-3 nights of my weekdays for cell group and evangelism. My Saturdays and Sundays will be for church and family activities.

I know this is just a rough description and a rough outline of what I want to do with my life in 2006 and it isn't much different from 2005 when I moved out for a few months to Wangsa Maju. But the difference this time is - I'm moving out permanently from Ampang Jaya to Wangsa Maju because I want to. If telling you I'm moving out because of transportation problems would be more acceptable then you can take this excuse, but I would rather be honest and tell you that I am moving out because I have placed this decision before God and He has approved and has promised that it will be a decision that blesses and does not destroy.

I told a friend that 2006 will be tough and I know it will be because God has warned me already. On the reality check, I'm shouldering a study loan that gives me the impression I'm shouldering a loan that's enough to pay for monthly installments for a 2nd hand Kancil, I need to find enough money to support myself, my family and still have enough to save and to bless others. I will need strength to manage a working life in the world and also manage my cell group and be available to church in any possible circumstance that needs assistance. I need to work on my own spiritual growth, pray and fast and ensure that in 2006 I will grow into a mature Christian woman. I need to discard my colllege mentality and remember that I am 23 going on 24 next year.

Perhaps I shouldn't be sharing this, but I feel a need to. I've already erased a few blog entries because they don't seem to be the right ones to write tonight. I'm not putting myself on display. I'm just a person who isn't a person who hides about her future. I am bold enough to write this out right now because I want to make myself accountable to God, friends and when I return to Malaysia, to my family. Some may call me a fool for taking this path. They seem to think I have the capability to go far with my working experience - journalist, teacher, translator, promoter, waitress. And they are right. But I have been called by a different Person and He told me that I have better things to use in my life. I am to heal broken lives. I am to save people from an abyss they have dug up for themselves. The things that have been happening for the past 3 months here in the UK have confirmed that and I will hang on to that revelation until the end of my days.

If you are called, just plainly and simply.... you are called-lah!

For those of you who understand, pray for me. I don't need sympathy. I need friends who hold me accountable and will encourage, correct and remind me of that plan God has set for me.

For those of you, who still can't understand why I am being so rash and think I'm getting into trouble, I don't blame you. My mind is shouting at me still but as I said before, my life answers to Another. All I can say is, don't worry. If you have trusted me all this time with your friendship in my hands, then I have somehow shown you a person who is worthy of trust to a certain degree. So, trust me on this. I don't need sympathy. I also need you to remind me and hold me accountable. Maybe someday you will see why I chose the path I am on right now. Thank you, AiChoo for reaffirming the fact that support sometimes comes silently and those days when my mind was still struggling with my heart, your support was awesome. You can't fathom my choices and you refuse to do so...

..because real friends start by accepting, not understanding. Thank you for being a friend.

Well, I guess thus ends my extremely honest confession concerning myself. I really can't anticipate 100% of what's going to happen when I return to Malaysia. For all I know, I might fail. But well, God promised. And if I keep to His promises, and I abide by His word, He will make my paths prosperous. All the 3 months I've been here in the UK, God has been asking me to be a Joshua. To lead, to abide and to obey like Joshua when Moses had gone. To be a Joshua who crossed the river and brought down the walls of Jericho.

God, to be the person You intended me to be!

      This will most probably be my last post in Liverpool so this will be my farewell post to Liverpool.

One last look at your streets,
teeming with people as they walk and talk
The occasional street guitarist or the homeless man and his dog
children, running through the waterfall at Williamson Square

The sunset comes and it reminds me so
of walks at the pier side alone
Fair winds blow and catch my hair as elderly people walk their dogs
I see a silver anniversary couple dancing in the sunset in each other's arms

Farewell dear Marybone with those comfy rooms
nights warm under the duvet sleeping when I should be studying
Dinners cooked, watching the Simpsons, laughing over Euro Trash
talking until the sun came up, and calling your friend although she's just down the hall


      Ah yes, Liverpool! You leave me with such wonderful memories. I will STILL detest the long walk up to Rodney Street but if in the end of it I see the Catholic cathedral, why not? I will STILL feel tired from lugging groceries back home but if in the end I get to smile and chat with the local grocer and trudge home to my nice room, why not? I will STILL think that my subjects are tough here and sometimes I struggle but if in the end I have friends who are willing to teach me patiently and help me, not coddle me, why not?

      So many has been learnt and lost here. There have been many times I have looked into myself and asked myself questions. Liverpool is a city, not my city, but for the past 3 months...this is what I called home. It wasn't that bad either because I had friends who were there for me even if I didn't know it. Every corner of Liverpool as I observe them, there's a piece of history that the 12 of us carved for ourselves. As I look down the hallway of my flat, every room and nook or cranny... there was a moment where we, as a group or individuals, had left our legacy.

      I will miss you Liverpool. I will miss that giant Superlamb Banana statue outside of Avril Robarts. I will miss all my lecturers who have inspired me to look beyond the picture and within myself. I did not just obtain knowledge here, wisdom was learnt on the way. Memories of Frontline Church and the few but precious few people who made me less lonely in church - Juanita, Jen, Louise, Anna and Cathy. I never knew saying goodbye was so hard for me yesterday, though I didn't cry when we hugged, I still felt sad.

      I'm off to Blackpool today until Wednesday and then I'll be back in Liverpool and leave again on the 10th which is a Saturday for Sidmouth in Devon. Later on on the 13th, I will be meeting AiChOo at London to move on to Glasgow and to Edinburgh on the 15th, return to Glasgow again on the 17th and head off for London on the night of the 20th. Finally leave for Manchester Airport on the 23rd and that's where I'll be boarding the plane bound for Malaysia!

      Liverpool, you will always be in our hearts.

      Cuz I'm leavin' on a jet plane... don't know when I'll be back again...

      Sometimes you wonder if going out for evening walks to clear your head would do wonders more or make you think about things even more...

      There is a stirring in the heart, a feeling that recognises immediately that God is tugging on it. That you know without a doubt that there is something divine about opening your heart to the influence of a Higher Being. It was a solitary time with my Maker as I sat there in the late evening winds, staring into space and as my eyes strayed at the moving waters and ferries... my heart was seeking God.

      I think day and night of how to make my life a better testimony for God. The three months here in the UK are about to draw to a close and in summary I have found that detaching myself from Malaysia was good and I understand God's plans for me better by being here. I came to know myself better and my relationship with God better too.

      God, have I learnt to depend on You more? I know that the more I allow myself chances to minister Your grace into the lives of others that have come my way through Your planning, I see Your power move through their lives from the words You teach me to deliver. It is a time of reckoning and awakening for me spiritually and I praise You for being gracious and loving enough to make me an instrument of Your love and blessing.

      Right now, the challenge to choose an even higher call draws nearer and You desire a response from me. And I have chosen, God. I have chosen You above everything else. Perhaps no one who is called will fully comprehend my choices. I have chosen to move out my home in Ampang Jaya to go and live at Wangsa Maju so I can be near my spiritual home and to facilitate myself to serve church better with minimal travelling so I can focus on ministering. That will happen in 2006 when I enter fulltime ministry. For now, I am going to work at my old job as a translator until the end of 2005 as I have heard God's instruction. And after that, survival on faith first and food second will be the theme for 2006 for me.

      I need prayers, for those of you who think I am doing the right thing. I need friends but if I lose them for this decision, tis is what Jesus had told His disciples while He walked the earth, that we would carry our own crosses as we follow Him.

      I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go. There isn't an ocean too deep, a mountain so high it can keep, keep me away, away from His love... I love Him, I love Him.. and where He goes I'll follow, I'll follow.

      Jesus, I'll follow.

You are Romans.

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