08:35 p.m. Thursday, January 2, 2003
New Year's wasn't bad, but wasn't great. We went to a bar on 5th and drank apple martinis. Hipsters get to annoy me quickly however, and the floor got wet and gross with champagne. There was some good conversation, even though I didn't make out with anyone at midnight.
I plan to make out with someone soon, if I have anything to do about it. And that's all I'm going to say, as I am fairly sure my older brother reads this now. Ahem.
My roommate and her boyfriend are giddy in love. I'm happy for her, but there are little waves of jealousy. But then, not really... because she's happy. I just want to be that happy too. They took off to Mexico yesterday and I haven't heard from them since. The things people do when in love. I asked for a souvenir from the donkey lady.
I feel very closed-off and cold.
If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.~Edith Wharton
12:19 p.m. Monday, December 30, 2002
It's been hard for me to write lately. Words are stuck inside and won't come out.
I'm starting to get in that between-semesters mode of 'what am I doing with my LIFE?'...when I don't work much and I don't have classes, so my life consists of getting up at 11 and trying to find something to do with myself the rest of the day until I go to sleep late at night. It's boring. I need more pressure and things to do in order to be happy.
Don't get me wrong- I needed this break. The end of the semester with the papers and finals really took it out of me. I always recover pretty quickly though, and get bored quickly after. It would help if I had a vacation in the Carribean to help me pass the time. Instead I have a DVD player and friends. Good enough, I suppose.
New Year's. I've come to hate this holiday. There seems to be so much pressure to go to the best party with loads of friends, including one you can kiss at midnight. Am I the only one who thinks that that kiss at midnight is not all that it's cracked up to be? I've had many kisses that were better, that made me giddy and drunk with the other person's lips and hands and smell. I've never had a fantastic New Year's Eve kiss, and that's fine with me.
Normally I think I'd just give up on New Year's Eve, and stay in with a movie. But I just made a new friend who had asked me what I was doing that night, and I agreed to include her in the plans. I don't know her very well yet, and although I like her, she's different from me. J likes to describe women like her as 'rough around the edges'. While she is nice and interesting, she has this reckless, hard quality that seems dangerous...like you really don't want to get on her bad side. I can hold my own, but I appreciate vulnerability in other people. It's comforting. She may not be vulnerable enough to me.
Regardless, we agreed to make plans for New Year's. At that time, I had no idea that my roommate and her boyfriend had plans to go to Robert Earl Keen(ick). This was disappointing- I am not comfortable with the role of social coordinator for someone else. Granted, the concert will be finished early and I have some other friends that I'm sure will be doing something fun- but I'd rather do nothing than be responsible for someone else's fun.
But although I feel like turning off my cell and hiding in my bed until the new year, I guess I'll just suck it up and be charming and entertaining.
And another thing, guys really are confusing.
11:31 p.m. Thursday, December 26, 2002
Today was my materialistic consumer day. I bought a DVD player, one of those bulletin boards with ribbons instead of tacks, and a couple DVD's. I got Dangerous Liasons for 6.99(score), LOTR and the second season of Sex and the City. That show is so fucking good. Period.
I had a good Christmas, generally. It was the first Christmas I've ever had without my parents, and I'm 25 years old, so we're talking a quarter century of traditions and memories. It didn't help that my parents were in Vienna, drinking gluhwein, and going to a beautiful church for mass. I'm not Catholic or anything, but Catholic churches on Christmas Eve in Europe make me wish I was. For the good parts...if there are any anymore.
I spent the day day with my brother and his wife, and her family. Because they've only been married for almost a year, I don't know her family very well. They seem nice, but I felt a little uncomfortable. But Christmases are never going to be as good as they were when I was 10, I guess. I brought them real champagne and truffles. It was good, but I honestly can't tell the difference between real champagne and Tott's.
Tonight I was invited to go out drinking with some friends, but I passed on that. I feel like drinking some beer, but it's just too damn cold outside. So instead I watched LOTR, and I really liked it. I wish I was an elf.
J Ho and I were just talking about guys we know who can't drive a stick shift. Now, both J and I learned how to drive on a stick shift, so we are scornful of people who can't. Especially men. It's not very sexy.
Tomorrow I actually have to work. I'm glad to make the money, and I'm going to be babysitting a 4 month old and a 1 1/2 year old kid. I like babies, they're cuddly and they sleep a lot.
I'm also going to meet up with a boy that I've been talking to. He seems...smart. Very important. Let's hope he knows how to drive a stick. I think I may paint my toenails red.
11:36 p.m. Wednesday, December 25, 2002
A sense of mortality should make us smarter. Life is short, so you do your work. You spend more time attending to music and art and literature, less time arguing politics. You plant trees. You cook spaghetti sauce. You talk to children. You don't let your life be eaten by salesmen and evangelists and the circuses of the media. ~Garrison Keillor
I've been trying to sleep- I can't seem to drift off. I feel full with turkey and chocolate.
On Livejournal, I used to be a part of the Debate community. There were times when I would chime in with my opinion on everything from animal rights to abortion, but most times I just read and thought. I guess I was attracted to the community because I am attracted to words and thoughts and differing opinions. Many times, I learned something from what I read...sometimes I was just angered by hatred and ignorance.
Eventually I left the community quietly. I felt that the times where I felt angry and disgusted outnumbered the times where I learned something. While hearing opposing views can make your own beliefs stronger, I don't believe I can learn from anyone who states hateful and even worse, indifferent, beliefs just to get a rise out of someone.
The meaning of life is not so important to me. I already know all that I think I need to know. For those that believe in religion or some sort of spirituality (and most do), the underlying message, the overwhelming meaning of it all is love. Love. That's it. There's your meaning. Love, and allow yourself to be loved, and you'll make it.
I once had a discussion with my mom about heaven and hell, and whether she believed in it or not. I like to believe in heaven and not believe in hell, because it's nicer that way. But the way she put it seemed to be the best of all. If there was no heaven, no afterlife- if you died, and that was it....wouldn't this all be enough?
To be honest, I don't have a clue. All that I have learned I have gathered from other people that I admire. People who struggle with it all as much as everyone does. I admire those who don't have all the answers, who question and wonder as much as I do. Maybe those who hate and who are indifferent are right. Maybe the 'I'm right, you're wrong' game is the answer to it all. If so, I give up now.
Woody Allen put it best~
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
Maybe now that I've got that down, I can finally sleep.
12:01 p.m. Tuesday, December 24, 2002
I had some great conversations with some friends last night, late into the morning. I'm lucky- even though some of my friends are far away, through the wonders of the internet we can stay close.
On the Random Acts of Journaling website, they give writing prompts every month. I've been thinking about one of them, and decided that today is the day to answer it.
Given no monetary constraints, what would you purchase for the people on your gift list during this season? What intangible things would you like to give to the people on your gift list?
I'm going to combine both into one. So here is my Christmas list for those that I love:
J Ho, my roommate and friend~ Tangible gift- New clothes, because she never has the money to buy anything nice for herself. Intangible- Comfort and knowledge that she's made the right decisions in her life recently.
Kim, a friend~ Tangible- a vacation to someplace sunny and warm. Intangible- Peace and love in her family life.
Rachel, a friend~ Tangible- That BMW she's always wanted. Intangible- The ability to love herself, alone or with someone.
Kristen, a friend~ Tangible- a hottub so she can relax. Intangible- A boss or company that sees and values how hard she works.
Luis, a friend~ Tangible- A clown outfit for him, and a nun outfit for her. Intangible- Peace. Love from someone who deserves him and treats him well.
Cameron, a friend~ Tangible- Money. Usually a crappy gift, but he needs it right now. Intangible- Strength in dealing with life and its difficulties.
Chad, my brother~ Tangible- He probably needs a haircut. Intangible- Recognition for his creativity, intelligence, and sensitivity.
Tony, my brother~ Tangible- The best computer money can buy. Intangible~ Peace, love, he's doing pretty well in this area.
My mom~ Tangible- Furniture for her new room. Nice clean 1000-count sheets. Intangible- Her PhD she's been working so hard on, but I guess she'll get that on her own.
My dad~ Tangible- A big beautiful sailboat. And an Arabian horse. Intangible- A satisfying work environment.
My nana~ Tangible- A nice house to live in, with a rocking chair for her crocheting. Intangible- Love, comfort, peace.
The rest of my family and friends~ Tangible- Round the world tickets. Intangible- Peace. Love. All that good stuff.
George Dubya Bush~ Tangible- Nothing. Intangible- Openmindedness. Tolerance. Introspection. Insight. Knowledge. Wisdom. Empathy.
The rest of the world~ Tangible- Food. Clean water. Good health care. A warm place to sleep. Intangible- Love. Peace. Understanding. Tolerance.
I leave you with this short video. I'm sure you've read the statistics before, but with the images and music, it's more striking and thought-provoking.
Merry Christmas. 08:10 p.m. Monday, December 23, 2002
Tomorrow, I drive to Houston to spend Christmas with my brother and his wife. My parents are in Vienna right now, and my mom has called me three times today to check and see that the boxes of Christmas presents have arrived.
Today I've been feeling comforted in my solitude. I've been doing useless things like watching tv, playing a computer game, and reading the book my roommate got me for Christmas. It's called Mother of Pearl, and despite being an Oprah's Book Club book, she says it's her favorite book ever. I love getting people's favorite books as presents.
I was telling my roommate last night how comfortable I've been feeling being alone. Every night, I crawl into my bed and relish the emptiness of it. This is my bed, all mine...no hairy, smelly boy to take my blanket or pillows.
I can do what I want, and there's no sadness or anger at someone who's let me down or hurt my feelings. My life is feeling simpler, and I'm liking it like that. Of course, this is all subject to change at any moment.
Last night, I made mulled wine and we watched Y Tu Mama Tambien. Don't ask me how it was, I fell asleep halfway through it.
I miss drinking mulled wine in cellar bars in Krakow with friends with Scottish accents. I miss coming out of a cellar bar and seeing huge snowflakes come down and trying to catch them on my tongue. I miss snow angels. I miss wrapping my scarf around and around and tucking it under the collar of my long wool coat. I miss stamping snow and ice off of my winter boots and feeling the warmth of inside envelope me.
I love warm sunny weather, but that is Christmas to me.
This is my blogchalk:
United States, Texas, Austin, Travis Heights, English, Claire, Female, 21-25, travel, internet, music, journals.
