¡Viva La Revolution!

>If you learn to love your in for a surprise<
I know I already entered today but it is the last day of September, and I want to archive. Had a damn good evening, reflecting on times past. I like people who are open minded, and am confused by those who are different to me in physical and mental situations. But I don’t want to get into that.
I decided to abandon hopes of catwalking because I haven’t been given enough information, and I risk not being given the audition because I cut my hair very, very short. For me anyway. I also have made the revelation that people think I am skinny. That’s amazing to me! I have such a self-conscious image of being fat, because I was big when I was smaller (contradiction in terms?). when I was 13, 50kgs, 14, 78kgs, 15, 70-75kgs, and now 65kgs at 16. I still feel big. And for the record, if I talk about fasting, I am never talking about eating…speaking of which, déja vu this morning, breakfast with the other two parental figures, differing from last Sundays breakfast outing with my father and step mother.
I saw Rush Hour 2 today, better than the first, although I had minor gripes with it that I won’t go into. I also want to apologise, today I might have seemed distant on icq, my messages weren’t going through to anyone. I had some other stuff I really wanted to say, but I can’t remember. I also was incredibly tempted to do a history of people I had crushes on since kindergarton, but no, the lit would be too long. And I wanted to mention the Japan incident, but I need to gain a little dignity before I can say that one, I would be going to far into emotional overdraft. I guess I could just write anything I forget tomorrow, but I would prefer a clean break…
I want to add a guest book in here…change the layout too. I really can’t be fucked though. Anyway see you next month…
>They were above it, anything to be close to them<

>Echo and bounce<
Wasting away in my youth…existence denied. That’s the feeling I generally get when I with my friends. I don’t get it with my family. Even when hostility doesn’t exist, there is always that crushing emptiness.
Last night was fun…and I am glad I went, and faced a conceivably awkward situation. I played my cards pretty well all day yesterday, manipulating the situation to put myself in an unthreatening position. I am glad I left when I did though. I was worried of sour times.
Self-pity…is there anything it can’t do? It feels to me that we as teenagers find that almost the only way to communicate- and I am not lifting myself above that level of Neanderthal conversing either- I do it a lot. The only way we seem to get attention is by being sad, which is strange for me, although I am no stranger to it. Let us all just drink our troubles away! We could, and run away from our problems…I know I didn’t drink, but I still go on the run, and I wish I didn’t. The most admirable thing I thought last night was the display of courage. I envied it in that situation so much. And also, why should people be ashamed of their feelings? If it is natural to you, that is something you should indulge in, not partaking in others perceptions of how one should behave.
However in saying all of this, I also think that sometimes reassurance is needed, and pity should be taken, just not in a superfluous way. Another thing I noticed…I do hate the word ‘love’, or moreover the disability of people to able differentiate between the terms ‘like’ and ‘love’. In the English language there is a reason we have these words, they serve different purposes, and ‘love’ should never, ever, be used in place of ‘like’. It is becoming a buzzword, cliched to the nth degree. It no longer retains its original meaning, which in my opinion is sad.
To sum up the evening, I had an enjoyable time, and it was good to meet Robert’s sisters and their boyfriends, and also see his house. It was good to see everyone again after such a long absence. It was good that for once, among us guys, there was no malice. What wasn’t good was the depression so many people felt, generally brought upon by others. Should I include myself in this bracket? Maybe, last night made me revisit an angle of my life I had tried to forget, a perception, a weakness that has, and will continue to be my downfall. And I don’t understand it. Anyway, I hope to go to town tonight, so hurrah.
>Unrequited love- always playing with the bow and arrow<

Should I continue writing this journal? Never return? Make this the last entry? No. I want to, but I am not going to. I am feeling very ethereal. I have been away for a while, and after reading a book, one I think everyone should read, I have a new perspective on things, or at least an improved one. Because I identified with the characters in the book, but they committed suicide. I am not going to take it to that extreme, but this literature seems to tell me to. Funny that. There is a movie of it that i haven't seen. I would prefer to watch it alone, people tend to just irritate me now when i am doing something.
I think alot of people missed the point of the last entry. Yes, as it has been put by one, it can be considered 'social suicide'. But surely I realised that at the time I posted it, I knew what I was doing, and I am glad I wrote it. It made ME feel better. Besides, it isn't going to make any difference. We are all similar in that way, we hold opinions of people, and often they are bad opinions. Usually we don't share them, because then we look bad. I shared them, and I know what the reaction will be after reading only two different responses from people. So, yeah, I like the idea of being alone at the moment. I have been quite content for the last few days, maybe I will try and start to read more, like I used to do. With everyone hating me, I find it odd that I feel more serene than ever.
So, what was the purpose of the last entry? To make myself feel better. Yes, as selfish as that. An outcry at people trying to change who I am in order for me to be allowed to stay friends with them. I can live MY life how I want to. Popularity is over-rated. I hate this world, it sucks life out of me in the same way it gave it to me. Kind of like asking for a gift back. In that sense, the world is selfish, it always takes back what it gives, and that trait has rubbed off on to people. It would be a much better world if we were all just puffs of cloud, floating around, genderless, raceless, without religion. There would be no divisions, no fighting, only peace.
I hope the summer is fun, I think it will be. This entry I hope doesn't ruin the impact of the last one (which i am NOT sorry for writing, and I am not going to apologise for feeling in such ways, so don't argue my feelings). I want to make this clear...I like, and want to be around people, but for once, I don't want to have to talk to them, I want to just have them around, like TVs, making sound, but not directed at me. I guess it is kind of hard to explain what I meant to do, all the analogies I thought up, all the complicated phrases and prose, it all means nothing now. So lets be friends, but lets not kid ourselves, because as long as I have disliked you, I am sure you have disliked me longer. Everyone brings it on themselves, and I am not going to hide and let friends who hate me do it in a sly and ambiguous manner. Anyway, myself, not quite remembering exactly how to put my mind, has put down a million other things making the same point, so as to appear to you all as rambling, unintentionally. I guess it isn't something I can write down. But if you really want to know, I guess you will figure out how my world crumbled, and the bright and sunny renaissance began.

>The corner of your hips<
I think I am going to throw structure out the window, I was going to write an incredibly structured entry but I don’t have the time, and I can’t really be bothered. Saturday was the most boring day ever, I was supposed to go to a party on Saturday night, but it gt broken up before I got there, so boo! But I did have influenced fun at a primary school, and relived a youth on their adventure playgrounds. After Saturday’s all around disappointment, I had a very cool Sunday. I sorted out a pregnancy worry that would have thrown my life into utter disarray, then I ate breakfast with my father and step-mother, and then we went clothes shopping with my Dad, around Queen street’s premiere shops, namely; Blanchett, World, Zambesi, Zambesi Man, and later Little Brother. That was oh so fantastico. I wore so many expensive clothes, trying on Jean-Paul Gautier, Comme des Garcons amongst others which included a $2000 jacket made of emu leather. After my dad spent more than $1500, I also got a pair of Blanchett pants, they are so very cool. I spent that evening working however, and had a brief conversation with John Campbell (news reader) when he came to pick up his wife, for whom I was working a few weeks ago.
I also had a cool dream last night, and I don’t remember any of it, except it had a very sexy appeal (not sexual, sexy, don’t confuse the two). I think it was set in Greece, or somewhere else involving alot of white clothes, and toes.
Now, I do hate all my friends, for various different reasons, and it really gets to me that I hate my friends. They are my friends and I don’t want to hate them, but they don’t give me much choice when they go behind my back and make fun of me without reason. Where is the justification? I am nothing but nice, but no, somehow that warrants despicable treatment. Bullshit. I thought of thousands of analogies to explain how I feel, but I am not going to use any of them, because I think it is being too bloody melodramatic. In my own opinion, the right opinion, my friends are just as bad as the rest of those narrow minded grammar fucks, they should get over themselves. I don’t really want to write this because I am just going to make people hate me more, but it doesn’t really matter because hopefully I’ll never have to see any of my so-called ‘friends’ after a few more weeks at school. And now I shall write the ‘sour grapes’ part.
Fuck you Sanjay. In fact fuck everyone. Just because I am nice it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too. I am not a fucking robot. I may be nice to you at school (this is general at the moment), but that doesn’t mean I’ll like you if you disregard me, you want me to start burning bridges? Because I feel like you are giving me the gasoline and matches to do so, and expecting I’ll give them back to you, well I am on the verge of burning, so be bloody careful. Now, I am going to go quite rampant, and I will do this for everyone I know from now on, I don’t care if you think I am being a dick, or ‘eats’, because I really don’t think there are any options left except complete and total, even brutal honesty. So who should I start with…
Michael…I don’t hate you. But I think you have changed, you were really cool in third and fourth form and even the beginning of fifth form. What happened? When did you become such a moody prick? Everyone looks up to you like you are some kind of god, and you really don’t deserve that kind of attention, because, you constantly hurt them at school, but do it in a joking way, similar to Kris, but it still hurts. You are so much like Dicky in ‘The talented Mr. Ripley". People seem to endure you because they want to be on your goodside. I don’t know why your attention seems worth more than anyone else’s. In any case you have been an asshole to me so much this year, mainly because I am extroverted, just like everyone else at grammar. I fail to understand how my doing a flip can annoy you, especially when other people in ‘our group’ do it to, and I seem to be the only one ever patronised for it. You are nicer to me now, but you have no idea how much I resent having to be around you so much.
Kris…I know he is away but he will read this after all, just like Michael did, I am sure he helped when my journal was printed out, brought to school, and used to make fun of me. Childish, but these are my friends. I am pretty sure ‘The F files’ were a joint collaboration. Unjustified at the least. I also hate your backstabbing nature, you backstab me, you backstab Tim, you go out of your way to actively exclude us from things we might enjoy. You start insulting people for something so insignificant, and keep going on even when no one is listening, that only bothers me because then it becomes a real insult. Often you will insult people in our group and then say ‘Just jokes bro’, or something similar, but it still hurts, and they are obviously what you are thinking, you just don’t want to catch the flak for saying it. Most recent example, Katherine Matson’s place. Okay, I know that it was only going to be Andrew, Robert and you, but somehow everyone ended up there but me and Tim, and you can understand how we would be annoyed that no one made any attempt whatsoever to contact us, and then try to justify it. The difference, Tim made sure they knew how he felt, me, trying to remain nice, really didn’t say a word.
Sanjay…Same deal as Michael, it is only really this year that you have started being a dick to me, I think it has something to do with your influence…? In many respects, you are the worst to me, ever since late last year, every move I do has been attacked as a ‘joke’. I sit down and I am a ‘Gargoyle’, I do a flip and I am ‘flailing’, and I don’t remember quite how this came about, but why in hell do you always go on about me being naked, or semi-naked? It really doesn’t make any sense to me. It is just vicious. And really you are just as bad, throwing chips on your face or throwing chewed persimmon from your mouth, it is actually disgusting to me. So really it is quite hard for me to feel sympathy for you and your many diseases, when you are such a backstabbing asshole to me. Oh that’s right, you blatantly lied to my face last week. ‘Yes you can come if I do something for my birthday, although I probably won’t’. Bullshit. You did have something, and I was the ONLY person left out, ie. actually not told. Your justification, you can’t have many people. Bullshit again. Had Kris been in Auckland he would have been invited. And furthermore, you invite people that you have known for less time than me, ie. some of the girls, not all, I know some are good friends with him and have been for ages. Your justification, ‘you can’t invite a few, you invite one, you have to invite them all’, so when inviting your friends that are guys, I guess that rule doesn’t apply. And then you proceed to make fun of me at your birthday party. Good work Sanjay!
And I could go on, and do this for everyone, and don’t tell me I am being a dick, because I know I am. I am sure you would feel a similar way if you had been excluded from two or three events in a row, and your friends were constantly derogatory of you. And I will do this from now on I think, for anyone who begins to really piss me off. So, have a nice day.
>Son of Cronos<

To Fergus-
Happy Birthday! I know this is a day after, but I thought to myself, "why write a physical letter, when I can post it where I know you’ll see it?"
So, because I can’t afford to buy you something spectacular, I will write you a short tribute!
I wish you well on your birthday because you are a good friend. I met you nearly a year ago at Steve’s flat, watching Martian Successor Nadesico, and I had a brief conversation with you, little knowing you would be one of my good friends in the coming year. I have always been able to rely on you to talk to if I was feeling a little down, or just needed to talk to get things off my mind, you also helped me to establish my journal, along with Josh, for which I am grateful, and am sure the other readers of this are too. That is quite important to me, mostly because having a journal has allowed me to express myself, or explain habits which come through as being rather extroverted to most, so I feel more accepted in society, rather than an outlier in extrapolation. Because you are my age, and constantly in similar situations to me, it makes it easier to relate to you, and your entries, to a point where I know at least one person really gets what is going on in my journal, although having me explain cryptic messages would help too, I guess. Also not being a friend I see everyday, I can tell you secrets that I only entrust a lucky few, so thanks for that too.
So, for all these things I thank you, and I hope you get your trip to Japan next year, a job, and all the things on your want list because you are a good friend and you deserve them.
Happy Birthday, from Finn.

>Jack learns his tragedies, Queen her desires<
Holidays once more. I started this journal at the beginning of last holidays. That’s about ten weeks I guess, in which I have received somewhere in the vicinity of 1200 hits. Wow.
School was just as you imagine last days of term are, the staff rock band performed, with the members Zowie Howard, H-dog, and the inevitable Schmidt Jagger. It was the worst they have ever been. Schmidt might have come in on a motor bike, but there was no big black man on the bass guitar, and Zowie didn’t do a flute solo. H-dog’s slide guitar solo was largely reminiscent of Trigun though, which was cool. You might say a teacher dressed as an ugly woman disgusted me, and for someone who is so open to cross dressing, it takes a lot to disgust me in that field, but he managed to.
Day was boring, in the evening I went to see ‘Tomb Raider’ for Fergus’ birthday. I really enjoyed it, but I was expecting it to be trite, and it is. As long as you have the mentality that it will be terrible you will enjoy it as a pure action movie, and don’t expect a lot from the plot. I also realised a long held dream, to have chocolate éclair again. Which I did. I said goodbye to Fergus and walked to JP’s. We rang Brett, and after much dicking around, we found Brett, Dougal, Tim and Charlotte. JP and I had many a discussion about how our friends are dicks, and everyone has evil sides, or hidden agendas, which will make them mean at a given moment. It was so cold last night. I became very tired, and soon, much after walking around aimlessly I went home and jumped straight into bed, not to arise from my slumber till 12 the next day. I counted them, and I saw so many of my friends on Friday, more than thirty, amazing no?
Today has been alright. I am going away from Monday to Thursday, so avoiding me should be easy then. I might see Kris on the mountain. w00t? I also decided to not go to an audition for a Zambesi fashion show, although the person who took photos of me when I modeled for Pavement thought I would get in. The world of male modeling is too intimidating, I don’t want to be competing for a catwalk show against buff men in their twenties. But it is paid work. I guess if I did some more hard physical work, looked better, and felt better about myself I could do it. I don’t know what I will do tonight either. Hmmm. I suppose I should go and make some plans, and start sifting through more lies.
>Everything will blow…tonight<

>Weeping wounds that never heal<
~ dedicated to dearest Jeremy
Feeling oh so much better, despite news which would have disgusted me at an earlier time, id est, a few weeks ago. Now I don’t really care, I am over that escapade. I haven’t had a good infatuation in a while. Manipulation is fun, wouldn’t it be good if I could manipulate everyone I have ever laid eyes on? Then again, how do any of you know I am not manipulating you now?
Today was blood donor day at Grammar. I once again am not allowed, because I might be a mad cow in disguise. Then again, all that anal sex with men might be a cause, because I guess they don’t want HIV in their blood banks…hehe….?
And yes disturbing news for one today, whose name I won’t mention, but I do wish luck to, and wishes of getting better.
Looking forward to Tomb Raider tomorrow. I need new, less intensive friends. But with who am I talking to with this statement? I guess you’ll never know…
I am proud of the goal I scored playing football (not pickupball as rugby should be known). Upcoming cliché…use your head!
w00t! The masters of the universe are playing at school tomorrow! Hurrah! I shall look forward to it. I don’t want to go on holiday. I have no reason to go on holiday. I would rather be at school. I don’t know why though. Today I drew a pastel/anime drawing thingy, it was quite good, for me anyway. I also would ask something that I cant remember.
Jeremy, feel free to make graphs of my angst and mood. I think it would be really cool. I could give you private information to do separate graphs so we can see who gives me the most anger and frustration. And then maybe you could help me come up with some witty comments to put under the graphs, in much the same style as ‘niggas sux’, ah 4th form social studies, when will you learn?
>I serve my head up on a plate<

>A delinquent's chore
I had a resonable last two days. depression. anger. acceptance. They were all there. Now I don't know what to think. Hmmm. How quaint. I have to find somewhere to start from scratch.
Yos yos, i shall be coming to your birthday on friday Fergus, Tomb Raider shall be fun, no? I am still not sure about the clubbing thing, i don't know, which club are you going to? There may be some crazy birthday mixige, but i am not at all sure on the deets. Two days left of school. I have to get organising an application for university, i am getting my testimonial in order now, once that is done, there is no turning back. I make a good King Creon. I went to two more outings, Tuesday, a cello and piano duet as part of the international music week, and tonight a brief showing of various arias from operas involving 'fantastic women'. Uh huh. I also got some déja vu, the number '36', for some reason, triggered a memory of Kiri teaching the '6x6' equation to me and Tim at primary school.
Anyway, I am going to get back to doing nothing with my evening, and make some premonitions about abundantly existing ignorance. Perhaps i will plan a vendetta of sorts. I wish I were an operatic superstar. Je n'ai que oublié ca, parce que, j'ai besoin faire ca. Je ne parle pas francais tres bien. ou bien. Je parlerai japonese. Ja Na!
>Your the one who makes me feel much taller than you are<

Feeling like vomiting from emotional ties...my spirit ISN'T crushed...

>Then it seemed to dawn on me<
Spent a Sunday evening at a chamber concert in the town hall. I now know a little more about 18th century Beethovian music. I go to another one on Tuesday evening (tomorrow). Today got changed on the way to school, as I had left my uniform at my mother’s house. So I didn’t get changed until about 15 minutes before school started, and even then that was in the car. So I was wearing my boxers and sunglasses only, and also funny looks from people at the traffic lights. I guess it could be considered foreshadowing for later costume.
School equals fun; talking about social pollution in French is always a thrill. I left my bag overnight in the Art department. Also according to people in my art history class, I am gay because I don’t believe in Nostrodamus’ predictions. Right. And I am curious, how do these people fund all their designer drug experimenting? I’d like to know.
Ran to Tim’s. Went home. Went to Tim’s. Went to Kendo club. Went to the Rialto and film society.
There are many ways I feel I can justify what I wore. I will try to give a definitive reason here, but don’t hold me to it. First, for those of you that don’t know, I wore a mesh shirt with nothing under it, and my hakama, Japanese martial arts pants. Heihachi wears them in Tekken, and Jackie Chan wears a pair of eloquently designed hakama in Shanghai Noon. In any case, in combination with my mirror sunglasses from the 1970’s, I looked almost like I was wearing a dress. I am still wearing it now too. Anyway, I am going to give some examples of the effects. 1) Shane McGregor’s jaw dropped and he stared at me, and nearly dropped his sunglasses. 2) Sanjay wouldn’t sit near me at all, or with the group. 3) Many a strange look from the students from the different schools, and snide comments I am sure.
But that is what I wanted to happen. There will be repercussions for weeks at Grammar, I am sure. I will have to endure a lot of teasing and questions about my sexual orientation. But I revel in it, I am getting lots of attention, and I love that. I also did it to spite people, close-minded people. Another reason was for my own self-esteem. I could do that. How many other grammar students could bring themselves to wear something that resembles a dress in front of other grammar members? There are other reasons as well; I won’t go into more than one of them though. I look better in Woman’s clothing than men’s. I’ll probably get shit for this, but my step mum was letting me wear her designer outfits, and I get clothes off my mum, and they look better on me than men’s clothes. I didn’t try on any skirts, just women’s tops. Fuck me boots are cool too. Justification – Women have better clothes, and a wider variety than men, and why should society dictate how I want to dress, because in my eyes, I will dress the way that makes me look the best. It was also the last film club event of the year.
I won. I got a film society prize. I used my forged ticket too. I am a terrible person. But that prize might allow me to go to Fergus’ birthday bash! w00t! So home now, and I have a dentist appointment soon. I am going to confront that dentist about the stuff she uses, I want white fillings, not gray ones! I think my old ones may have fallen out, and my jaw hurts still from Sanjay kicking the ball into my head. Today when the ball hit it from Michael’s feet it didn’t seem to have an effect though (they were both accidents, I hope!). I am sure it will come right, like it did the time after Tristan punched me in the jaw by accident.
So, my film club stint has made me feel so much better than yesterday, although Tim brought distressing news to my attention. There will be no more Heng-Ki Baby. I am going to go and try to heal my weeping. I think this is about my 66th entry by the way, so i was way off. i was also my own 100th hit on friday, so woah yeah!
>Got to make you scared of me<

>Haemoglobin is the key to a healthy heartbeat<
My overwhelming hatred for pretty much everything right now i becoming more and more. I am allowing myself to get more and more worked up to a point where maybe, hopefully, no one will ver want to talk to me again. I have had the morning to reflect and have come to the conclusion that i am going to be happy, and take my happiness and the displeasure of others. i have had enough of waiting for good things to happen to me. I thought being nice would work but clearly it doesn't. I thought honety would work. I thought compassion would work. I thought people would like me more if i were physically better, so i got fitter, brushed up my appearance, lost 13kgs. did it work? No. Nothing does. i only get spurned, so now i am going to spurn the world.
Where did all my friends go? I used to spend hours on the phone now i only ever have proper conversations with too people. i am too fucking virtual. i don't need any friends if i don't have any i can't talk to on the phone.
For a mirror of how i feel, but can't say, go and read a specific entry, maybe the most recent, on Fergus' journal, and change a few names, and there i am. Anyway. if i ignore. be offended. because like everyone else, i am going to join the masses and become an asshole. maybe then i will be complete. fuck you.
>Never wake up<

>Spite and Malice<
-What have I done?
You are an idiot. Your life is a window and you are looking in. You are used by those who you think are your friends, and cast aside as a rag doll.
-Not true! I have plenty of friends!
Wrong again. It is a masquerade designed to dethrone you from your ego. You are actually the most pathetic person on the planet. I could change that. Your melodramatic whinings make me weep with disgust, and i am sure they do the same to everyone else.
-Is that how it is? that seems to be the case doesn't it. How could you change that?
I can change your life. No longer will everyone but you reap the good seeds you sow for yourself, and no longer will you reap the bad seeds. With no delay you can be whatever you want to be.
-I don't want to be popular. I just want it how it was. I want REAL friends. I want to be a person, not a thing. I don't want blessed ignorance, although people seem to think i revel in it.
It is true your extroverted. Ever considered that to be the root of your problems? Did you ever think that maybe people don't like getting close to your mind because you are a freak. It is the cause of all your jealousy, and your self-delusion makes you think that people actually value you. It makes you think you have a chance on earth.
-I don't want to believe it, but everyday it seems to be truer. I suppose you know how obsessive-compulsive i can be. Then again, you know everything about me. You know i am losing more trust in the world day by day, that the guarantees and values i have been taught to exist are sifting through my fingers like sand. soon i think i will be the arch-typical loser.
You are right, and the more you try to stop it, the more it will kill what you have deep inside yourself. You are will CHOKE on everything you hold dear. pitiful. You become more delirious by the day. I hope you die, and we can see each other.
-I don't want your deal. I want to live and suffer. or die and ascend. but i am too cowardly to do so. i guess i'll have to grin and bear life, huh? Imbecile. that image in your mind of you with the wings and the divine hierachy of demon and angel blood is must more insanity. wallow in your pity.
-And here i will stand, hopeless and with no faith in myself. crushed.
>Burning bridges<

>In the still darkness<
And she said "don't make others suffer for your personal hatred". That was my old outlook. Not any more. There is no reason why I shouldn't be self gratifying. Eternal depression? Probably. I probably inherited it, in twenty years i will be blowing my mind on valium and cherry wine. And people will care, it's just that I won't.
Anyway it is a sunday morning, and yeah, I was feeling better, but unaccustomed to such covert violence, i am back in the ditch. I want to go to a doctor. I want a perfect heartbeat. I have to do alot of work today- paid and school. This journal is very therepeutic. Pity I can't say what I want to. I could say everything in metaphors and incoherence. But that show any perseverance, would it?
Again using my DC for entering entries. it is so weird using the internet on your TV. hmm. I think i'll go to work soon. And reflect while i vaccuum. Oh and I am going to wear mesh to film club. Ja Na. I hope.
>With one accord in a flash<

>Run away from all your boredom<
I hate the world presently- evryone is so grim. There I am. Only 16. I can't have real emotions- I haven't experienced enough in my own life. I always thought myself emotionally superior to others, but tonight I have decided i am emotionally backward.
I liken my life to a see-saw, some things are always good, somethings are always bad, and occasionally they will swap sides. My life has blown up in my face once more. How suprising. I just want to run away to a better time, a better place. I want life to be simple and free like when i was young. Of course that will never happen. Maybe i have too many friends. Maybe i shouldn't have any- i feel like I have a bad effect on people. I rely on others for my own happiness too much, I am way too dependent.
And again, Japan. It would be awkward going back and facing that 'incident', but friendship is worth more than petty gripes. Unfortunatly, the tragedy in New York hasn't brought me closer to anyone. I feel more excluded and pused away than ever before. My dad claims he understands, but he assumes people my age don't know real emotions- he says he was cold-hearted until he was 35.
I am going to go away i think. I need time to be away from my friends, whom are like drugs. i will have to restrain myself from them. I think i am perfectly fitting with the hedgehog theory. The closer i get the more it hurts. But i don't want to care. Life shouldn't be about who was right and wrong, it should be about along with one another harmoniously. I feel like Vash does most of the time, but this week i have discovered elements of my character more akin to Rei Ayanami. I keep making the mistake of reading too much into things, and i keep making excuses for things that i do. i want this to stop, i hope i can make it stop. Sorry if this entry seems a little disjointed. I wrote it on the Dreamcast with my browser disk. Anyway i have to start to run away from all my whoredom.
>A place for us to dream<

>All is fair in love and war<
I just want to say that being up so late last night kind of heightened my emotions as it always does, hence the long almost angry entry. But I don’t want to talk at all of that incident because I have been discussing it seemingly non-stop for two days, while purposefully avoiding human interest stories…I don’t want to fall into a depression like the rest of the world.
The day started out sunny, went to school, grumpy, because of my brother. Oh well. Tim and me walked via JP’s and I arranged to meet him there a little later on, Tim was to stay at school. We had an adventure through various office blocks and car parks on our way to school. It was trés fun. Did the first two periods, then after an enjoyable interval went to JP’s and ventured to Mt Eden. Had an awkward encounter with Matt’s dad, I am sure he realised I should have been at school. At Tony’s place JP mowed lawns while I stood by bored, though slightly entertained by my Gameboy. We left there and went to KFC (uh oh- don’t worry, I bought nothing from there), and then to Brett’s where I received some burnt CD’s I needed. Then back home. ‘Song of life’ by Leftfield, from their album ‘Leftism’ is a very, very good track. I also got ‘Jet Set Radio’. Funky.
Skipping school is beginning to lose its charm, sure it is fun, but at the same time it is only really good if you miss the perfect day and can appreciate your free time more. Monday was really good…today was just boring. I think the weather influences a lot. I took a really cool photo today coming out of Milton road. The photo itself wasn’t so good, as much as the subject. The clouds looked like a hill, and then there was more cloud that looked like a gate, and it reminded me of Olympus, or Heaven, if you are Christian.
I guess all I have to look forward to now is more depressing conversation about Tragic events that will go unnamed, and a possible ski trip this weekend. And many fun days of school. Good. If you have seen the trailer for the Spiderman movie you will know why it has been pulled from theatres. OK! Ja na. I am bored now.
>Crushed by the way that you cry<

>These bonds are shackle free<
I see myself being hated after this entry, but I am getting really annoyed with them. Those hypocritical bastards. The Americans. Yes it is a tragedy. Yes the loss of life is sad. And yes, the Palestinians are celebrating. Is this bad? No, not in the slightest. If I were Palestinian I think I would be doing the same thing. I didn’t seem to care so much before, but after seeing several accounts of this on the news, the web, and even in journals linked to mine, I feel as if I have to justify myself for everyone. First of all I’ll go into some basic history. America is predominantly Jewish, hence that vote is a lot of the voting power, the Jewish want their interests protected. Secondly, New York is a very Jewish city, most people have Jewish blood. I don’t know how many people know this, but the Jewish were the scapegoats of Europe in history, however, they lacked any land of their own. They claimed Palestine to be their Holy land, the land that God gave them. But this land is occupied by Palestinians. Now, many wars and peace talks broke out, and eventually, the Palestinians were forced to give up some of their land for the Jewish people, there is no legitimate reason why the Palestinian people should be burdened with the task of harboring such a large people in their own land. Of course once the Jewish had land they kept trying to get more and more, and the Palestinians were seen in the wrong for refusing to give it to them. Of course, the USA backed Israel, and such a small-uncoordinated state such as Palestine cannot fight one of the biggest, if not the biggest, super powers of the twentieth century. During these wars, and later the gulf wars, Middle Eastern soldiers and peoples were subjected to barbarous rape and pillaging of not only their people but also their land. Families were split apart and children were killed, as well as woman and other civilians in brutal cold-blooded murder.
The truth of the matter is that the United States of America was racist and destructive, essentially fighting against the capitalist rights they aim to preserve. They had no right to exercise themselves in the Middle East like they did, in the same manner they hurt the peoples in Korea and Vietnam in their respective wars. This aggressive angry nation serves to protect itself, and if anyone has noticed, recently they have been isolated. Bush destroyed relations with China that took 20 years to build up because he was too arrogant to apologize to a communist nation. Let’s face it, Bush is an idiot and he doesn’t want to prevent war, he wants to cause it. There is a generation in America that live for war and condone the necessities that come with it, such as unabashed patriotism and death. And today there is the underlying racism and prejudice against the people of the Middle East, resulting from the gulf wars. We as a society have just been conditioned by the heavy American influence on our daily lives to believe that America is always right and can do no wrong (‘Three Kings’ anyone?). America thrives off ripping off poor countries, lending money out and getting it back and enormous interest rates which cripple the county even further, only to line some rich New York banker’s or wall street investor’s pockets with gold and silver.
I feel as a consequence that the Palestinians have every right to be celebrating. Their arch nemesis is finally suffering, getting a taste of what it did in the wars in Asia, the Middle East, and also Hiroshima. So, before you condemn the Palestinians, consider what scrutiny the USA has put them under, and how they have finally been given something to revel about. I would write more, but I think that should be enough information to justify my opinion. Did I mention how my teacher’s partner was glad, her husband had been killed by the Americans.

I don’t in any way condone the action itself, but I just want to say that I don’t hold it against people for celebrating it. The United States seeking vengeance for the action is incredibly hypocritical, no one has ever openly challenged them for destroying their countries’ values. It is tragic that so many civilians died, but people have to realise that America wasn’t perfect (anyone remember high school shootings, or how about that gondola/jet incident in Switzerland or Italy a few years back?), and that now the little people have a turn to laugh at their constrainers. Their Christian magic couldn’t hold out forever.
http://games.eisa.net.au/goons/disaster/
If you want to see an example of this prejudice go here, the image should be reasonably clear to see on the page it opens on.
To conclude, think first about the amount of life taken by America. I think this justifies their delight at a tragedy to strike the impenetrable force of a nation. But also remember that two wrongs don’t make a right, if America kills to resolve this, they are just as bad as the people who did this to them. Sadly, the world is a largely one-sided biased place. As Stalin said ‘kill one person and it is murder, kill twenty thousand and it is a statistic’. That is what has happened here, and maybe I don’t identify with the situation because it appears as a statistic to me. But in any case, I haven’t become emotional like so many others, and like to think I am thinking in a more level headed way as a result.
I also want to point out that I want to be in New York right now, I think that might give me more compassion and humble me, because at present I feel nothing. I am not glad it happened, I think it is tragic, yet I don’t feel sad. I also realised that having friends who are in, have just been, or are about to go there, which I do have, doesn’t make a difference. So what if they have been there or will be there in the proximity of this time. They are safe now, and I think that is what truly matters. I think that this is not a funny situation and offers an excuse to everyone to assess their own personal and family ties, so why ruin it with worrying? I think it would be good if everyone in the world could see the damage first hand.
Anyway I think I should stop writing, I fear I will be hated for having opinions, and democracy has nothing to do with freedom of speech. So if you are going to condemn me, what makes you any better than the America, or as the case may be, the Middle East?
>The trapped mouse will attack the cat<

>So why so sad?<
Woke up in the morning to find the USA practically under siege, this was already more exciting than my average morning. Watching the footage was exciting, I am glad we have CNN. The footage of the planes entering the twin tours was pretty amazing, I thought. Of course I acknowledge the tragedy, and it is sad, but in a typically nihilistic fashion I actually am not sad, and that kind of makes me feel disgusted with myself. I should care, I am a very emotional person in that sense, and I usually am affected by these things. But these thousands of people dying don’t make me sad. I didn’t know any of them. The obvious parallel is with the guy who committed suicide at our school. I was emotional without knowing him; it was just an event that was closer to me I assume. For me the most irritating thing is that I’ll never get to see the Twin Towers in all their glory. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think it does, I am just serving my basic instincts of survival of the fittest. The most worked up about it I got, was when my English teacher started telling us the ways it could link to World War III. If that happens, screw fighting for the country, I will recluse into some secret hallow in the south island. Anyway, I thought one of the most remembered days in modern history deserved a mention. I guess this is my generations’ equivalent to the Cuban missile crisis. But I do not condone the terrorism in any way. I don’t agree with the countless deaths, it just doesn’t make me feel sad. But at least the terrorists used an interesting weapon and not missiles or something similar. Planes. Who would have thought? Ingenious! Ironically, it is the situation that I find the most intriguing, what just did happen n those planes once in flight? Were the passengers already dead upon hitting the towers? Our Italian friend, although gone now, had just come from New York and my dad’s friend lives there in a pent house apartment, he is rich and it is amazing why, but I can’t be bothered explaining it, in any case I thought that would be like the last shots in ‘Fight Club’ for him. Hehe!
My day was pretty good. We stood in silence for obvious reasons. Can you guess what everyone was talking about at school? It was an attack on freedom? Ok, I’ll give them that, but an attack on democracy? Bullshit. Anyway, onto other topics. Day was fine! I had a dream last night that Michael North was moving back into his mum’s old building, and yes, there was an evil figure in this dream, and it was Sanjay. Don’t ask me why. I don’t remember any more than I have told you. Hackey on the field? Why not? Fun! The day involved a lot of writing, and then feeling good upon having completed said writing.
Arrived home and here I am. And I do hate amateur American cameramen. If you saw the footage let me know, because I want to reminisce about that unlikely American hero.
**SHOCK HORROR** I just found out that the reason the authorities were alerted in the first place was because of a woman, who just happened to be a renowned lawyer and CNN reporter, she also frequented on ‘The Larry King show’. She also was the executive producer of the great series ‘Cheers’, and its successor, my beloved ‘Frasier’.
Today was such a great day though, albeit a little hectic. Oh well life goes on, ne?
>If you believe in dreams, it’s more important that a dream can come true<

>It’s such a perfect night<
Best day ever? Okay, apart from the tragedy that struck one of my best friends, I had a really good day. In fact I almost forgot that I was at school, but the fun didn’t stop there! School was easy going and pleasant, and lunchtime was sunny and like old times, before the tectonic shifts of friendship took their toll. It was fantastic, and I want everyday to have a similar atmosphere from now on, I doubt it will happen but it would be nice. Anyway, I did a fuck load of writing today, my wrist hurt from the last three periods where I pretty much did non-stop writing on subjects as varied as westerns, surrealism, and the Greek theatre.
Arrived home to begin work on my Classics essay, having finished reading it the night before at a little past midnight. I assumed it would go well, after all my teacher claims that my ‘enthusiasm is infectious’. However, I had an incredibly gratifying conversation with my mother and brother about terrible people at schools, and each of our own various methods of dealing with it. I felt like I was getting stuff off of my chest that I was worried about her knowing, such as there are people who don’t like me at school, and the reasons some teachers cannot actually teach. We also discussed the mentalities that lead people to study business, mathematics and sciences, and the paths that people take in their lives to achieve their ultimate happiness, or sadly sometimes their own depression, using family friends as examples. I found that the most interesting part of the conversation. I didn’t tell her about the wagging I do though…hehe!
Tim rang, and came down as I attempted to begin my Classics essay, he and my mother began talking about the world of writing (my mother is a professional writer if you didn’t know), and again, I actually felt like I had the best mum in the world. Someone who could tell me about all areas of the arts world, and provide me with a window into the culture of times I didn’t live in. She told me the other day about how she used to squat in London! Take note: writing is pure therapy. Oh god yes, I must need help then, look at me go!
Ironically, all the talking about writing hindered my own progress on my grand essay; I only got about three quarters of a side done. Then the perfect night began! Tim and I went to Kris’ place and I finally got Cowboy Bebop and Golden Boy back, I later named this process ‘Operation Bebop Boy’. We then proceeded to anime, Tim picked Alexander North up, and I went to talk to my friends, found listed on the left here, at anime. Lucky thing I picked up the anime too, because I gave it back that night! Unfortunately an episode of Trigun was missed…how could that happen two weeks in a row? It doesn’t make any sense…oh well. I hope to watch it later this week. In any case I had a good evening there, I retrieved my missing Samurai Pizza Cats tapes, with the irreplaceable help of Edwyn, and JP helped me get a cheap deal on a Zelda Gameboy game. I also wore the red velvet pimp hat.
I arrive home, and cue the look of surprise on my face, the last person I expected in the world to be in my mum’s kitchen, my uncle (they haven’t spoken in at least eight to ten years in my knowledge). Too much distorted and disturbing family history here than I could explain, even just talking would take me at the very least and hour and a bit, but it can be said that my uncle and my mother don’t get on too well. Anyway, I was bemused by this and hoped a family reconciliation was coming, harbored this thought while finished my five and a half side essay. Could my family problems be coming to a close? If so, this would be the best day ever. On the contrary after I had finished the essay and my uncle had left, I asked my mum about why he came to see her (it is worth noting that I still see all my family a lot, and divorces make my family arrangements complex). I found out as I was writing this- I stopped for a half-hour conversation with my mum- that reconciling with her family wouldn’t be that easy. My family is truly fucked up. After conversing I sort of understand, but I still find it kind of hard to comprehend. My mother’s relationship is kind of like the one I have with Michael North, take from that what you want. I really don’t think it appropriate for me to divulge in details here anyway. So…I am kind of sitting here, not knowing what the future will pertain.
I think I will soon count the number of entries in my journal, I would like to think of a way to celebrate a 100th entry, it should be coming up soon, and I really need to get a guest book going. So to summarise the day, it has been a day of truths and suprises. It is funny how my spirit can break in 941 words. I don’t know what to hope for…and I never want to sever ties as much as my family does. I think one phrase in particular sums up what a lot of people in my family say, ‘don’t believe his lies’.
>Steals the smiles from every children<

>You try to break the mould<
A triumph of modern science, but that is not what I want to talk about. My day started out with kissing an Italian man I am not related to. And then, Flavio was gone. I shall now talk about a day where I intended to go to school at midday but didn’t because I couldn’t be fucked, plain and simple. So, while everyone was in their grammar schools doing work or listening to the headmaster, I was playing videogames at JP’s, and participating in other activities with his brother André when he got home which are not to be mentioned here…oooOOOOooo! Went to town, and the most fantastic place in the world I found and showed Jean-Pierre. It was a paradise in the middle of chaos, or that’s how I described it at the time. A park was never so nice as in the spring time, with high rises and skyscrapers surrounding the large grassy enclave. This is the park I have been intending to go to for a long time, and it was everything and more than I expected, it was so damn serene! I have to go back there! So if you are interested in an excursion to this park, as I have talked about with Robert, tell me! I wish to generate interest now!
Wandered around town for a long time before going back to JP’s. It’s handy to have a friend who lives on the way to school and who’s parents don’t live with them. It makes wagging just that much easier. In any case I did get home at about the right time, I wish to reiterate the point that I am glad I wasn’t stuck inside on such a nice day. I went to film club, after swiftly paying Brett for some CD’s. We watched ‘Otnemem’. Best movie ever, or one of them. Being it my second time watching it, in the first half I came up with copius amounts of false conclusions, and I was really reading too much into the most insignificant thing. I think with this film, it is very straight foward, but with such a great twist, the audience feels as if there has to be more to it, even if there isn’t. That’s my opinion on it anyway, and it doesn’t give anything away. But most internet entrepreneurs with little to do in their spare time have their own more complex and intriguing theories. I walked home and watched Frasier. Now I just have to read ‘The Odyssey’, ie, finish the last two chapters so I can write that essay tomorrow. Six sides of fun, and also anime! I have no idea how to jugge the time without missing any school. I am sure it will all turn out for the best. In any case I still have to write my absence note for today, I hope the staff don’t pick up on my recent string of absences. I am also curious about our group winning best contributors at film club. If we win, I will get a prize, although because group leader, flamboyant hands Alex (homeric epithet, I am warming up!), knows me from intermediate, he knew my name, hence I am down as Finn, and of course I don’t actually have a ticket. But it is the last night. It will be fun to see how this little quirk of life turns out. Expect the unexpected, no?
I also added a guestbook entry to your page Fergus! I should really start up a guestbook here, I wonder how many people would sign... The good luck wishes shall continue for exams, and I hope that those of you who had them today did well! Oyasumi!
>Slightly bemused by his total rejection<

>Target in the centre...pull the switch<
Ah, what lazy sundays are worth! i really should have done some work on my odyssey essay. i guess i will just stay up really late on tuesday finishing it. I spent the morning wandering around doing nothing. in the afternoon i progressively went to tim's, matt's, then brett's. Take note...men tend to stare at you when you are wearing mesh (with no shirt under), although the beret and sunglasses i was wearing probably also grabbed the attention of the several drivers of cars who nearly crashed looking at me. I worry for the safety of their families!
I just watched 'the thomas crown affair'. smart and very suave it was enjoyed by all! i thought i would just write this entry then go and finish reading the odyssey, so i can write that essay. i do want to go to film club tomorrow 'otnemem' is playing. and then the trigun anime night on tuesday! knivezu! ah, schoolwork can take a backseat. maybe to get some time, i won't come to school tomorrow, killing two birds with one stone. by missing history i miss a homework check, as you may have guessed, i havn't actually done any of the nine pages of notes we are supposed to have. uh oh.
in any case, as i say everyweek, next week will be less hectic. and i think it is good when i lend people things and they lend them to other people who then lend them to other people who also may lend them to other people. hmmm. i need it all back.
>The phone that never rings<

>Take the money and run<
Limbo…funny concept. Now I am sad. I don’t know why. Empty and sad. Do I have a place in the world, or is that just some pre-fabricated fairy tale told to every child? I could be worthless and not know it my entire life. Kind of shocking. I am surrounded by people that may or may not care. I might as well not exist. But I don’t want to not be here. If there is such things as past lives, which I would like to believe in, and have been thinking about a lot recently, would my past lives also have worried about their significance in the great scheme of things. I just don’t see myself making a difference to the planet in my lifetime, so what is the point of being here?
Without my friends and family I actually wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t do a thing and hence really wouldn’t matter. And I feel I am losing more and more of this by the day, slipping into fearful limbo. I am probably being melodramatic, but I can’t think of another way to express myself. To paraphrase, "I’m a terrible person".
Good luck in all your exams. I hope they go well.
>Everyone is so near<

>The eternal engine<
How were the last couple of days? Friday and Saturday have been old. The only eventful thing that happened at school yesterday was receiving my reprinted report. Anyone remember the failing history thing? Well I have not failed anymore…I also got my assignment back, the old, old one. Not a great mark but still best in class.
I spent the eve at my paternal home. I didn’t do much at all. Parents’ friend Geoff came over (he used to direct Xena), and I talked to him for a while, and heard an anecdote about my father eating lunch with Stanley Kubrick, which I thought was very cool. I did discuss the future with him though (my dad), and how he regrets living in New Zealand. I regret it, but only to a degree. I am thinking about my university options too. Should I do all three years in New Zealand? I guess it depends on my social position, ego, and status to a degree. Saturday, aside from the morning when I worked for an hour and a half, has been lazy. I meant to do something, Matt is good at ringing people back, namely Andrew and I. Anyway, being told I would be dropped at my mother’s place, I was lead into a goose chase around Auckland, we went to a place in Newmarket where there were four interior design shops in a row. We went to three of them. I only remember to of the names; poliform, and ultimate living. And yes, I can confirm it was incredibly pretentious. We drove along Ponsonby road, and I spied Señor Hoare, but he didn’t see me in mesh glory. Boo.
Got home, was forced into vacuuming by angry people and observed how to make tirimasu with Flavio. God the ingredients are nice. Watched most of ‘Sex, lies and videotape’. It was a very good film. And here I am. Funny how sometimes it takes me no time at all to sum up time, yet others it takes up so little. Why can’t everyday be filled with fun? Oh that’s right, I remember.
The sneaker pimps are such a good band. I do contest. And another weekend wasted, and I suspect I will do a lot of schoolwork tomorrow. In any case, after dinner tonight, with Garth and Angus (parents friends). I hope to do even more, but I severely doubt anything will spring up…I need to be saved from boredom. I need to be saved from those. I need to be saved in general.
>Spin spin sugar<

>Are you ready? Here we go!<
Fantastico sunshine! Today was a nice day, yet the history assignment episode didn’t end until about 10 30 this evening, due to a mark reduction snag I missed which allowed me extra time to get another part of the assignment in, a useless part, which is now done. Unfortunately this means I must go to history tomorrow.
After school, did nothing at all. Seeing as Flavio is leaving soon we went to GPK for dinner. I am incredibly full at present. I think I could actually pop! Before we left, I asked Flavio about making a Vash costume. The only thing stopping me is fabric cost, I really cannot afford to buy several metres of red material/ plastic/ faux leather. I’ll see what Knives looks like next Tuesday when we finish Trigun, maybe I could do that. I think I look more like Knives than Vash anyway. I may not have time for the cosplay anyway. It is right at the beginning of the exams that determine whether or not I go to university next year. I have to think about that aspect of it too before I invest in a bounty of sewing materials.
Dinner was good, I had some very good conversations, and am in general happy with the evening. I have so much wax in my hair. Oh so damn much. In attempt to copy Vash. Shame on me! Oh it’s such a perfect night…?
New Chemical Brothers album out soon, with voices of Beth Orton and Richard Ashcroft, so it should be good. The single apparently comes out this month and is titled something along the lines of ‘out of Africa’. There are oh so many CDs I want. Air.
A boring weekend ahead too. There is a lot of work to be done for school as well. 10 exams next term should be fun. I am ashamed, today I watched ‘Saved by the bell’, and the end of ‘Hang time’. Terrible, terrible shows. I can’t believe they used to appeal to me. Zac is such an asshole.
Anyway, Ja!
>Tonari no…!<

>The future sound<
The henna is still on my hand after one and a half weeks. I need to see how long it takes to go away, because that is what will decide whether or not I put any black henna on my face, a la Zell Dincht of Final Fantasy XIII. I was looking at my counter stats, just click on it to look at graphs of my sites hits etcetera, and on August 15th, I don’t know why it should be so special, but I got 36 hits, did I miss anything? Oh well…
Today I say hurrah. I had a good day. Just now I have finished my history assignment. Eight pages of typed bliss. Now I still have to do that Odyssey essay by next Wednesday, and I think there is one on Sophocles shortly after that. Problem is, in classical studies, the expectation is that our essays will be about three pages, hand written, although I don’t watch it, I hear people are terrible at math’s on the weakest link, and for those of you with similar problems, three pages means six sides. But it is good to get it over and done with I guess.
Today was sunny and nice. This morning I photographed spring’s first sakura on our cherry tree. The French assistant gave me two jaffas, and I rejoiced. I think it is being established at the moment, through recent events, that Tim and I are two of the strangest people in the sixth form, and I quote ‘we have two new stoners in our class’ [Kurt Anderson on the phone to Shane shepherd in response to our art history speeches]. No one believes me when I just say in a rather cliched way, ‘I am just high on life’. Because we had a rainy lunchtime today [without rain, which leads to the question ‘why’? although I do prefer them], we finished 15 minutes early, when I got home I went inside [I feel I have to make a point of this after yesterday’s incident]. I used my extra time to make pikelets, and watched a part of a Steve Martin film called ‘dead men don’t wear plaid’. It was a cool idea for a movie, I wish I had watched more, it was a b&w film with footage from old films cut in as the other characters.
I went to kendo that evening, and learned the three kodachi kata. And Toshi told me the correct way, or most popular way, I forget to kill oneself with a sword, carving the hiragana ‘no’ into your stomach. Upon arriving home I did the history after forgetting how to waltz, and nearly tripping my mother over, I have come a long way since intermediate where ballroom dancing and the macarena were part of the curriculum.
There will be no digitising tomorrow after school, alternately, I will go out to dinner as it is Flavio’s (the Italian man) last night with us. Is it fair he is helping beau with his Latin model assignment when that is his paid profession? Hmm…
God it has been a long time since the prodigy have released an album…apparently garbage are releasing a Glam rock style album soon, but I really want Björk’s latest, vespertine. I would like that gorillaz album too…and I can justify myself here…I was listening to them before they released clint eastwood, so I feel at ease that I am not jumping on a popular bandwagon, because frankly, I was there first!
There was a humorous incidence involving a spider the size of my thumb crawling around my English teacher’s body while he walked up to people and tried to get them to get it off his groin and ass, as he couldn’t easily see past his belly. Unless I think of anything else, I guess that’s it for now. Let’s rejoice!
>Nazi bunny<

>Trip away<
I adore my fans, hence I am here at 12 30 feeling very tired after doing the vast majority of a history assignment due Thursday. However, I am very tired, so I am going to attempt to minimise everything into quick summaries of the past few days. Oh the reason I havnt updated for a while is I wanted to archive my entries and I havnt really had time. I still havnt linked to them I think, so if you want to access the old entries just >finn_kun/archive.html< at the end of the url. Anyway…here we go!
Thursday…stayed home…feeling very sick…got up at about midday, I may or may not have already done an entry about this day…I hated that morning…I lost will power…I now have to struggle to regain it against peer pressure and adversity! That afternoon I watched the first 6 tapes of neon genesis evangelion, and was instantly hooked! That evening I planned my Friday. Having momentarily lost faith in myself was feeling quite down, and was also faced with a dilemma…I wanted to go and see Jurassic park 3, but was already booked to go out Friday night, and no one wanted to go on Saturday, and I really cannot blame them, so I devised a scheme…
Friday…got up, and got ready for school. Was walking towards school when I veered off to JP’s place. After waiting around at his place for a while I changed we went into mt eden and he got his $1000 overdraft approved…uh oh! At least his credit card idea was rejected by the bank, he might have gone overboard! We got back, and after a violent threat from Andre, we left to town. In town…I walked through AUT, it is oh so cool inside, and me and JP discussed the bastards who put grind-stopping things on metal handrails, Auckland appears to be devoid of places for us to use soapshoes when we eventually get them, oh, and we will!
We quickly caught Jurassic park 3 in a relatively unpacked theatre, which was good, which is more than I can say about the film…uh oh, what were they thinking? In any case, on that day we saw brendan dressed up as a woman in town, and the hormones he has been taking have really been giving him breasts. It is kind of strange…
JP bought Bomberman Tournament, and we went to surplustronics to buy parts to hook our vmu’s up to AA batteries. I also played Tekken 4 at Yifan’s.
Upon getting back from town I met up with beau at chez verkerk’s (not a restaurant, our friends house), and we went to the scouts and girl guides ‘gangshow’ at the centennial theatre. It was tedious, until the end, when we (beau, toshi meiji, his brother and I) started getting rowdy, doing mexican waves. Me and beau took it to new heights, death metal thrashing to their scout songs about togetherness, I am sure they were surprised to see hands with the anarchy symbol in the air, as well as our tongues vividly poking out! We also did the YMCA to the scouts song, and the macarena, amidst my shouts of ‘take it off!’, fun was had by all! After that we arrived home and after a conversation about films and music (my mum and chad taylor [her boyfriend and nz writer extrodinaire] spent the evening with the producer of roxy music, brian ferry, and placebo) I went to sleep.
Samedi…this is getting too long! Ahh! Flavio arrived! Yay! An italian fellow who lived with us when I was 7 or 8, it was great to see him again, I could go into his world travels and experiences over the last pres-decade but it would make this way too long. Anyway on that day we had a fantastic lunch, and I also watched what remained of evangelion. The ending wasn’t hard to understand, what is everyone talking about? I will admit it was a little post modernist, but still not that difficult. I still have to see the movie though, a little more closure would still be nice! On that evening the duhamels came over, and we ate a dinner. I also stayed up late talking adding to my own tiredness. Eventually I succumbed to my eyelids and drifted into an unpleasant sleep.
Sunday…I am mentally blank, we may or may not have got pastries, I don’t really remember. However I remember the evening when I made a risotto, and we watched ‘the big tease’ on sky. It is a very funny movie about a scottish hairdresser, I had seen it before though. Oh I cleaned at my dads work on Sunday, that’s right. I also got a raise for whenever I digitise, now I can command $10 an hour before tax, hurrah!
That evening stayed up and wrote notes from which to adlib my 7 minute art history speech the next day.
Monday (aka yesterday)…nothing all day. School was boring, and I was incredibly sick, but I stayed to do my seminar last period. And what a seminar it was! We only had about 6-8 people, so I began my speech by dancing disco style, and slightly suggestively, in front of my class, I then adlibbed my speech on the last 200 years of art history and come question time answered questions on rubber chickens and levis jeans ads, and other irrelevant topics, all in the name of art! I then finished my speech by doing a one handed cartwheel, a hand stand flip and some more dancing and general madness and wackiness. Tim began his speech by licking the projector scene, but did a most excellent speech, regardless of the ensuing laughter and crazy questions in which he made terrible people in our class feel terrible.
After school I walked to JPs to borrow a screwdriver and he wasn’t there. I got home and he was at my house, but I had to organise and get ready for film club, I did go, in mesh, but seeing as I was sick and it was cold, I wore a shirt under. There will be a time, perhaps the last film club night when I don’t have to see anyone again, where I will wear it without a shirt under…
Titus was such a amazing film, visually and acted, the costumes are awesome and only further enforce my dreams of a more feminine wardrobe, that retains coolness, id est. I just want tight snakeskin clothes! Afterwards I walked home, and arrived at 9 40. After leaving my house at 5. Film club took a huge chunk out of my day, and the impending doom of the history assignment grew on me, as I realised I had no time to do any that evening after watching fraser, showering and arguing with my brother. Went to bed.
Today, Kyo, Aujord’hui! Boring day at school, boring day at school. In the morning, during the walk to school I attempted to tell beau about Titus, but was told I was boring him, and I instantly thought of a punishment to fit the crime. I decided to not talk directly to him for 24 hours, seeing as he found my opinions boring. This was reinforced after school when I walked home for half an hour through the rain, arrived home and no one was there, oh and whats that, oh there is the spare key, lying on the sideboard INSIDE the kitchen, can imagine how joyous I was? So I froze outside another 45 minutes, when everyone came home, and I was not happy, and just brooded. I was very tempted to cut my limbs off with a tree pruning saw on our deck while they were gone after seeing Titus. I made some marks, but then decided it wasn’t worth it. I also reflected on the school day, where we were told we were suspects by mr hoare, I applied for a testimonial for leaving school next year, and my english teacher was encouraging clint eastwood, and telling us he would, seduce and have sex with a 14 year old girl, and her mother. He is a funny, funny man!
At home I did nothing, until about 7ish, had dinner, watched a travel show on prime with an annoying host, but I still really want to go to portugal, and maybe I should take up the sport of bullfighting? I then went to work on my history assignment at 8 30pm, while the family watched American Beauty, a good film, I have already seen it though. At about 11 30, with a forty minute break, I was left with 750 words or so more to write, perhaps ill do this tomorrow, as I stand at this point now, after writing this entry for nearly an hour. Explain to me the nazis’ volksgemeinschaft. Please.
I have lots of anecdotes to now, or a few more than last week, although I divulged MOST of them to you here today. If I think of more stuff that I missed, such as ‘I am pathetic’ or how I tried baileys and it is very nice, I’ll write them down tomorrow. Or the dream that involved matt as a party animal, me as a loser and cameos from other friends and had monkey hill reserve as a location.
My mother has just come in telling me to go to bed, and rightly so as it is 1 22 am.
OH I NEARLY FORGOT! SPRING HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! MY FAVORITE SEASON! YAY! HURRAH! CELEBRATE!
>Black Cats rock-a-billy night in Tokyo<

>The calm before the storm<
Testing out the archive, seeing if it works, i have never done this before. I know i havnt updated for about 4 or 5 days, and i plan on doing it, but i am a little busy with schoolwork and brooding to do one. i'll try a little later.
>Good things come in small packages<