¡Viva La Revolution!

As much as I’d like to believe I would keep up this diary, I know these entries are going to become sparser. I no longer feel like they can adequately convey how I feel. In fact I am at an ends as to how to express myself, no one really knows how I feel most of the time, and although I guess I like it that way, it is frustrating.

The thing that most bothers me is not being able to relate to people. I feel like I can relate to most people, there is no one lifestyle which governs me. I’d like to coin the phrase ‘social chameleon’ about now. The problem is, I keep changing so much, I am in danger of forgetting who I am. Everyone seems to want different things from me, and I have to concede to meet these demands on my personality. How can I continue to be one thing with someone, and e a totally different person with other people? People class me as being full of energy and that is what gives me my personality. So when I haven’t got any energy does that mean I have no personality, or is it that when I have no energy that is the true me? I wish someone could tell me how my brain works because I don’t know myself, sometimes I do really stupid things, and I do have regrets, but I mean well, and that should be good enough for life, right? For me, meaning well just isn’t enough.

Today was such a nice day. The wind blowing through George Street at about 3:40 P.M. was so nice, I wanted to stay there forever, and the sunset at about 6:30 P.M. made me want to just go and go towards the sunset and not have to stop for anything. Why do I put myself in a position where I can’t instantaneously do what I want? I want to live in a way in which I can follow every inclination I have, no matter how slight.
And everything will be right.

>> Life Goes on.

Very nearly something to be.

Everyone is miserable. I have come to the conclusion that not one person in the world is not truly miserable. There are several ways they can be miserable too.

EXAMPLE I. Person X seems very happy, and is very happy, but in the eyes of Person A they have the most miserable, pathetic life. So emotion can depend on perception of those around you. In this way everyone can be viewed as miserable.
EXAMPLE II. Society conveys capitalism. Capitalism is a funny thing because although it gives us our day to lives, it also instills us with a need to want, id est greed. Greed is a funny thing. Right now I want a Gamecube, yet in twenty years I doubt I will care whether or not if I owned one. Yet this doesn’t make me not want one now, knowing I will regret that purchase. So by this logic capitalism allows us to buy happiness. Only this happiness isn’t real, but momentary. And our society leaves little room to escape the trap it builds around us while we grow up. Look at scientology – a religion where you pay for things to be happy. So a catch 22 becomes misery. When we want something we don’t feel fulfilled without it, but when we have it we are not fulfilled and we begin to want something else. Therefore our happiness is fleeting and is best characterised by needing something. And this something could be anything.

Now I know this is a fairly cynical view, but there is truth to it. Everyone can find an example that applies to their own life. But misery does not necessarily translate to depression.
(Continued writing this from here about five days later).
The trick is to find ways to avoid being conventional. Find loopholes in social institutions so you can lull yourself into a false self-perception of happiness. There is no point in pretending tpo be happy when you are depressed, but if you can trick yourself into thinking you are happy, then nothing matters.
Of course you can find true happiness from misery. That one smile that might cross your face when no one is looking, that one which you know is represents pure bliss, innocence, the naïve days before you started seeing the cynicism in the world. And if we hold onto the promise of those moments, life is worth living.


I wrote that when assembling thoughts in my head after reading a whole load of modern (1990) short stories by Japanese authors such as Haruki Murakami. Anyway it is the last night of the holidays before I start uni again tomorrow at two in the afternoon. I finally got my learners license the other day, as well as receiving my semester one grades, which are good, but I would say they were adequate, ranging from a B to an A. I am rather frustrated that I cannot find ‘Homogenic’ in my house. I really feel like listening to that album. The weather is nice. Spring air occasionally wafts its way in front of me, to my delight. I must have had this journal for more than a year by now. Wow. Well I am still here. Just. I have lots to say, but if people care about what I have been up to, they can make an effort to talk to me for once. Because I don’t really feel like reaching out. Life is confusing enough, I feel like going to a therapist, not because I feel sick, but because I want to try talking in that kind of environment and see how a "professional" rates my ideas, opinions and conversation.

Listening to Air’s 100Hz Legend. And my thinking is all about…

The Fourth of July. 2002.

Why do I still have so many hits? Why do people still come here? I haven’t written anything since Easter. Not because I gave up, but more because I can’t seem to find the time. Though some would argue that you make time for the things you love. I have more of a love-hate relationship with my journal, it must be that hate part taking over. Anyway, for a change I thought I would try and write something uninteresting and uncontroversial. By the way, for similar reasons my private journal has been abandoned, my that writing was pitiful!

So what have I been up to? Aside from university not a hell of a lot. I have decided to continue playing Kendo , I don’t know if I told you that already or not. It is more fun with people I can relate to, which there are plentiful amounts of at the moment. Having said that, it being fuyuyasumi and all, a few people have gone away and Shuji isn’t coming back!

If anyone has access to Japanese national television please watch out in August for a show hosted by Tokoro George (jouji) caled "WarateKoraete" as I will be in it! Great, ne?
I am also trying to decide whether to go to university next year, because it might be my last chance to do a high school exchange year despite the fact that I already would have completed a year of university. It would be difficult to arrange but if I didn’t look into it then I know I would regret it, so if anyone has any information about how to exchange overseas, please let me know.

In regards to anime club I night not go for a while so I have a little more free time in the week. If I take a job recording to new half hour shows for T.V, that would earn me a lot of money but also destroy all my week nights for possibly the next six months. That would mean cutting down on Kendo and anime, and perhaps destroying any chance I have to go away over the next holiday break. Stuff to think about…

The big thing for me at the moment however is that I have just moved into my brothers room (sharing a room at 17 and 14 years of age). That sentence was badly constructed (I would hope my wit is well placed). This is because my mothers partner of circa. Nine years is moving in, and because they are both freelance writers, they both need offices to themselves, and there goes my room. Despite losing a lot of privacy it isn’t so bad though, because I wish I were a more open person anyway, and living with my brother will teach me to tolerate people. Beau and I are essentially being bought off as well, in our living room we are getting a new DVD player, T.V, and five-speaker surround system. This is good though because it means my mum will be happier, so hopefully the house will be a more cheerful place, we will also have a little more money to go around making slight aesthetic differences.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. My current goals.

My goal for these holidays is to get my learner’s license. If nothing else I want to do that. Other things I would like to do include finishing Final Fantasy VI, and starting Final Fantasy X, if I don’t finish it. I have IV and V after that anyway. I also want to increase my stamina. I want to be at my best when my cousin comes over from Britain as I want to surprise her by being a far cry from what she remembers me to be like. She hasn’t seen me in three years and now I am the age she was when she was living with us. That might sound a little weird, but it is the best way I can think to compare the changes I made to my body. I should really get a girlfriend too, but it doesn’t really matter because I am happy as I am and I am already short on time as it is. Another goal of mine is actually placing my order to buy Squall’s necklace from Final Fantasy VIII. My brother in answer to my declaration has decided to buy Tidus’s jewelry.

a final note

Next month marks the anniversary of my journal, all the times we have had together, good and bad! And those essays I was working on before? I got a B-, a B+ and an A+, so I was pretty happy about that. Does anyone know how I can get my exam results? Also when I met the Dean he told me that I can not do five papers, which frustrated me. Also there is another band which I forgot to put up before that I heard and I think I quite liked them, so check out the Kinki Kids and tell me what you think cause I want to hear something of theirs again. Anyway you haven’t seen the last of me, so please continue to make my hit counter go up.

Run away!