A long day..
Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Today..quite tiring and long day for me.. I also dunno why.. Maybe not been resting well enuf this few days.I kept waking up late for work..Hmmm..notty notty me!

This morning..I was so eager to leave early for work as not to be late.So halfway,on my way to work..I realised I forgot to bring my hp along with me..Hmm..so I have to run back home to take it.Then I walked again to the busstop..hmm thinking I will juz reach work on time..27 came,and it was crowded.So I had to wait for the other 27 to come.and I thot I saw another 27 coming..I boarded d bus,listening to my MP3 and reading my Charlie and the Choc Factory book..hmm..when I looked up..I realised the bus had brought me into Bedok Reservoir Rd.Hmm..is the bus wrong or im wrong?? So I alighted at the next bus stop and realised I boarded the wrong bus..hehehe 168 woi..nasib baik tak sampai woodlands.Alah nasib mcm kentanglah!!

I looked at my watch,it was 0830hrs..aiya..Im late!So I took the cab instead..hmm no cash with me..so thinking I will juz use my visa.Then this taxi driver dun seems local to me.(although he greeted me in enthusiastic way).Maybe he's from China.So when I reached Terminal One..he quickly passed me a receipt,and I was suprised..coz normally,taxi driver wont do that first.I passed him my card and he was shocked..he said,"Aiya..y never tell me u using card!"..I was like,"huh..normally I dun have to tell"..then he had to wait for me to search the ATM and withdrew my money..Damn dat taxi driver..Im already late..and he made me more late!When I reached my office..suddenly,I kena stomach attack...OH NO!!SEEK REFUGE!!..hehe..gotto rush to the toilet lah!

Although my starting of the day was kinda like mashed potato..but Im glad I had fun at work..sitting wiv Yana..and went up for flights..meeting the good-looking pilots.Well,wat can I say!..I went home late today..coz my colleagues tahan me from leaving early ..hehe bullshitting,of coz!

When I reached home,my dad was lying down outside the sofa.He must have been waiting for me..so I sat at the sofa next to him..chat wiv him..bla bla..juz closed my eyes for awhile..then opened my eyes..IT WAS ALREADY 9PM!!Hehee..i slept without realising!poor me..must be really tired lah..Now Im craving for Mcdonalds Cheeseburger...i think im gaining weight lah.. must be this airport curse!Time for EXERCISE!!

missing my mum @ 10:53 p.m.

Today kinda long day for me... I had to be attached back to my office at Terminal One for this one whole week till I resume my training course again. This means my training has to be extended..and which also means.. I cant commit myself as a Camp Commandant throughout the Integration Camp.Sorry Hasni!

Anyway,at my workplace..im delighted to see a few of my colleagues..and they are delighted to see me wiv my new hairdo..hehe.. I managed to talk to Lila abt my problems and my 'new goal'.. she's really resourceful in this.I love talking to her coz she's very matured and responsible.. Hmm..and wat she said today do stuck in my mind.. "In this life..we may be asking God..why are we been challenged dis way.. why must it always be us?..but the fact is.. different ppl are gifted in different way.. maybe you are gifted by God as 'the GIVER'.. u give to make ppl happy.. and u give to make urself happy.."

WoW!... Okay.. basically,I had fun at work..then my Abah msg me dat my bro's gf, Kak Yani, from Jakarta, came to our house...and poor her,she's been waiting for me to come back from work.. but I was home late..and she had to go out with my brader.. but as I reached home.. I saw a present on my table.. hehe..sweet!!!She got me a belated birthday gift..and I opened it.. WOW!!GUCCI Rush set.. body lotion,body shower plus perfume..hehehe thanks eh!

So..out of courtesy..I had to meet her to thank her b4 I proceeded to 4PM for my bITE meeting.. kinda late and was raining heavily..so I had to take cab thruout..

The meeting juz now was kinda intensed..hmm dun wish to talk abt it.. Right now,Im glad things are turning on fine for me.. and for dat special fren of mine.. wanna let u noe.. I wont neglect u even if im happy wiv my frenz.. hehe..Im a giver.. giving happiness to others..

missing my mum @ 01:47 a.m.

My whole body is aching now.. terribly aching.. I even applied deep heat rub on my whole legs.Hehe.. Ape taknyer.. last nite I went cycling with my 4PM volunteers. Yg selengernya tu..I dun read the info Mariah emailed me.Its supposed to be the whole nite and I came along thinking juz cycling for fun!Haha..

Well..so we were supposed to meet at East Coast by 9pm..tp janji2 melayu ni selalu sejam hingga ke dua jam.Haiz!Nasib baik Suhaila gave me my bday present as soon as she saw me.Haha..I got the DONKEY stufftoy which I love..a big one!Haha..Ok then...

We left EastCoast Park around 12 midnite..all the way to WestCoast Park..but we did have some pit stops along our journey. Altogether,there were around 15 of us.We had fun along our way..but we had to be alert all the time as we were cycling along the big main roads.I enjoyed the beautiful nite.The peaceful city of Singapore at night..hehe..

We stopped by the Tg.Pagar KTM for our long break.I was chatting wiv Hasni abt Integration when Kak Saadah called me for so-called "de-briefing"..and when I came over to the other table..walaa.. a birthday choc cake wiv candles all ready for me to blow.Oh yeah..the whole grp sang the bday song for me.As I was enjoying the cake..suddenly Kak saadah n Mariah came to me and "sabo" my face wiv the cake!Haha..but i managed to revenge it back to Mariah!and Hamzah also became my victim!

After dat...we proceeded all the way to WestCoast Park.Over there..I had fun playing at the playground..and I also got to talk to Boy..abt his problems..he wanted to share it wiv me abt it for a long time..but i was busy..so i used dat time to talk to him...and yeah,Boy..dun wori..I will help u to find a way out of dis..After that..its like around 3 plus..and we had to go back to EastCoast Park.Our bums started to hurt as we sat on our bikes.Hehe.. but we juz persevered..

I enjoyed my journey wen we cycled along the Shenton Way..not many vehicles there..and as if we owned dat road..Mariah wanted me to cycle by her side..which I did initially..but ended up leaving her behind as she was "slow"..hehe..but still we enjoyed teasing Hamzah..wenever he cycled past us..haha..We acted like an obsessive fans of him,crying and shouting out his name loudly.Hehe..Wen we reached EastCoast Park..we were so happy and eager to get to out starting point.Me n mariah tried to do hands off the bike..haha.. we acted as if we were soo soo active but as soon we reached our starting point,we just parked our bikes anyhow and quickly ran to the bench and rested..hahaha...We all left the EastCoast Park to 4PM around 7am..overall..although it was tiring..We enjoyed ourselves.More of this activity please,guys..perhaps round the island?From Woodlands to Pasir Ris to EastCoast??

Okay,anyway..Mariah passed me the bday present my frenz shared..a Swatch!Wow!!..hehe..need not explain more abt it..But hey..more suprises to come as soon I reached home..although tiring..I was so delighted to see two bags on my table.. Banu gave me the CUTE RED BEETLE BUG SOFTTOY which I've been eyeing for!!hehhee..thanks eh!quite sweet ah to think the fact she met my adik outside juz for her to pass to me..hmm..then another bag..i read,"happy bday from Asilah n Wan.."..awww,my adik n her bf gave me a levis top..hahaha..k cool one,sis..matched my new hairdo!

What can I say now..Im grateful to Allah for giving me an enjoyable and painfully fun weekend..

missing my mum @ 10:12 p.m.

Do u remember when I told u abt my bday wish..I wanna be the Falah,I used to be... and I think Im slowly getting my old self back.Well done,Falah!

Eversince my birthday,Ive been busy entertaining myself..I went out almost every night,and I dont feel good abt it.However,my dad kept assuring me that its okay and I should enjoy myself with my frenz.On my birthday itself (wednesday),I went home straight after work...got changed and met my good,happening,crazy,old frenz...Amirah and Izwah.We went to watch the Fantastic Four.Well,the movie was fantastic.After that,we did some catching up together.We went 'crazy' of course..and Amirah told me that she loves me no matter what happens..hmm,i love her too... then I went to Taufik's house coz his family wanted to celebrate my birthday together.Hmm,as soon as I entered their house,lights off..candles on bday cake..and song..Haha!I felt so honoured!We are like a family now,and I got ALOT of presents from them at one shot!Yeah..most are "junk" presents of course..

Then the next day,Thursday..I went out wiv Yatea..met Mariah and few of her frenz..they were sooo funniiee n crazy.Anyway,Yatea bought me a cheesecake from TCC (The Coffee Conneiseur,is d spellin rite?..hehe).She knows I love cheesecake.She's sweet..she understands the 'other side' of me quite well..and she's always been there for me...Hmmm..so as soon as I reached home,I wanted to eat the cheesecake.Hehe..but my dad and adik dah buat opening ceremony without me realising it.Hehe..but I finished off half of it!Yummy..I was soo soo tired that night so I slept early as soon as I finished my cake!

Then came Friday..kira baru lagilah..I went home straight after work,coz I got plans at nite with my frenz.I was so suprised to see my Nenek and Bibik wen I reached home.My mind went thinking..what the hell are they doing here??Well,but Im cool.I salam my nenek..and my nenek was crying,hugging me.Hmmm..and salam my bibik n paman.As they talked to me about my work,I knew that my Nenek was looking at me in a sad way..since she's not seen me for quite a long while!Then I told them on how my mum was before she passed away..and yeah,my Nenek was in tears..and my Bibik was sad,of course!I purposely told them all that so that they knew that my Mum died peacefully!!Hmm..but still I have this softness in my heart.I pitied my Nenek,I gave her one of my Mum's clothes to bring home.Haiz..

After that,I went to settle ALL MY BILLS first..Noya accompanied me..Then I rushed home..bathed,prayed n got changed..and took a cab to City Hall to meet my frenz there.At first,I was kinda bored coz I waited for them for so long and somemore,I was kinda disappointed coz many couldn't make it..so left me,Barney,Hamzah and Faizah.. Nasib baik ada Faizah.I miss her soo much!! Its been long since we get together like this.Hmm,cuma Pika aje takde.. So we cant complete our "five fingers"..We went to eat at Sakura..then after that,we sat at the "bonding benches" which was in a circle..and chatted there..We did some qualiity chatting..especially,when Faizah started to ask me.."So Falah,how's ur life now?"....

Suddenly,I felt the need to pour all out to her..talked abt my commitments and family after my mum's death...and hows the change in me suddenly... and when she said,"This life is strange..coz in a moment,we can become a different person suddenly.." ... I paused.. looking at her,trying to agree with her point...and suddenly, I cried..

I cried in front of my frenz suddenly.. Faizah hugged me and comforted me n cried wiv me.Hamzah offered me his Adidas towel(which we laughed suddenly)..and Barney said, which made me cried even more.."Aku faham keadaan kau..Kau nampak ketawa2,happy2.. What you've been doin is trying hard to get our attention..bt kitorang lelaki,kitorang tkleh lebih2 sgt.Nasib baik hari ni ada Faizah. Kau dah simpan tu dah terlalu lama tau... nangislah.." and I cried.. then after that..hahahha... of course,the guys cheered me up with their "stupid" actions!!Hahaha... Thanks,guys..I felt better now..coz dat was what Ive been wanting to do..and having you with me through my cries and laughters are already a wonderful birthday gift for me..Love you all..We hang out till midnite..then we went home.I shared the cab with Faizah.

Im very glad now that I still have the love of my frenz around me..no need to be only them..All my frenz have been wonderful...be it Miss Strawberry Shortcake or Blueberry..hehe..I love myself!!

missing my mum @ 03:38 a.m.

Its few minutes to 20th July.. a new year for me.. 23yrs old.. Im alone at home the whole nite long.. waiting for anyone to talk to me.. chat wiv me.. laugh wiv me.. but disappointedly.. there was noone.. and im all alone.. Is this a joke? I tried watching TV,VCD..anything I can do to fill my time.. but Im still feeling empty..

Maybe I shouldn't think of being sad and alone..although I am.. This is life,girl..wake up!IM TURNING 23!!I SHUD BE HAPPY!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhH!

Why is it hard to please everyone??? Maybe she's rite.. I'd rather please myself.. My BDAY wish.. hmmm.. I wanna be the Falah,I used to be.. not now.. not the sensitive n emotional Falah..I want my old self back!Come back my OLD ME!!! Where's all the high spirits in me??? COME BACK!!!!

Hehe..Happy Birthday to myself!

missing my mum @ 11:55 p.m.

Today my adik cooked Chili crab..but too bad.. my stomach not feeling good..all the spicy things i took this whole week..but still i taste a little k.. well done sis!

Then I spent my rest of my day wiv Ms Shortcake..First of all, we went to Peninsula Plaza.Our intention is to look for Adidas shoes n bag..but end up..I bought the Panasonic MP3 which Ive been eyeing for!!Woooohooo!!Im soo excited that I cant sleep now.Haha..

Then after that,we went to Bugis..eat my yoghurt icecream (Yummy!!)..and then we jalan2 at Bugis Village..she got herself a pair of "Aladdin" shoes..Haha..really looks good on her small feet.. err..but not mine!haha..

We managed to take some neoprint shots for momento..then after solat magrib at Masjid Sultan..we proceeded to Yasalam restoran at bedok to support my eldest brader,Abg An's Kebab bisnez over there..then we went to Starbucks TM and spent some quality chat over there..

Overall..I enjoyed myself of course lah!!Haha..she's a great company to be with..Thanks EH!Although at the initial stage I was kinda not myself..well..thinkin of my Mum of course!..but after d magrib..I was feeling all better..hmm the feelings juz come n go anytime lah.Frenz..u have to bear wiv me for that tau!

Anyway,Ms Shortcake.. we sure will get to go out like dis again okay.. I will make time for you.. I make time for my loved ones..my frenz.. whoever who will be there for me..n i will be there for you..

missing my mum @ 01:03 a.m.

Today I wanna share about my work.Right now,im still undergoing the training course..Weight n balance Module 3.And there's only 4 of us in d class.Sharin,Wong,Veronica and me.. Im beginning to enjoy being with them.They are very helpful,nice and best of all..funny!We had a very good laugh today..in fact almost everyday!!

Anyway..we had a test for our Boeing 777-200ER..ergh..I tink i didnt do well enough..I have to retake it if I failed.I sucked big time sia!How can I possibly wrote the wrong numbers??And best of all..I cant remember if I wrote the right figure or not.Ah..its over anyway..

I went home straight after work.Nenek Timah was already at my place.She's really nice..she's not my maternal grandmother..but she makes sure she comes over once a week juz to see me n my adik.. hmm.. I noe she's worried for us.I love her more than my own grandmother!!

Both of us went to visit our relative,Nek Bi'ah..Nuya's grandma..Then after dat,I sent Nek Timah home.I was kinda bored at home all alone..so I juz watched tv.Its been quite awhile since Ive switch on my TV..and somehow somewhere..i started to miss my mum again..hmmm..

Then when my Abah is back from the mosque..I went to Pasar Malam at the interchange with Ms Shortcake and bought Wadei for my Abah.He seems to enjoy them..Im happy to see him eating the food I bought for him.. Tomorrow is Saturday,and I dunno what plans do I have tomorrow..I think I wanna do housecleaning.Its been like days since I last cleaned my house!!If my Mak masih ada..hari2 Mak dah pekik kat me suruh kemas umah... hmmmm... I miss her voice lah in the morning.. Now that she's gone..

missing my mum @ 11:57 p.m.

Haiya Alal Falaaaah...
When everytin was going perfect for me today... when suddenly all this has to happen to me..

I was enjoying myself today until I got home..and chat at msn.Hmmm...I dunno why Im becoming like this..more n more sensitive..shit!Damn me!Shoot me!Slap me!...Aaaaarggghhh!

Mariah...Im very sorry...I dun mean to offend u juz like dat.I know u mean well.Sorry for being insensitive towards ur feelings.I just dun wanna go and i got irritated easily nowadays..and I got offended when u start to compare all the presents Ive got to the frenship Ive offered to my frens.Im sorry if I think too negatively..Damn me!I deserved a hit and run accident! Oh God!..

missing my mum @ 12:22 a.m.

1) play badminton once a week wiv anyone
2) eat yoghurt ice-cream at Bugis Junction
3) sit by the esplanade and take pictures
4) eat cheesecake and drink Ice blended Mocha at CoffeeBean
5) play hide and seek,catching,dog n bone with my friends
6) draw out all my salary and spend them without worrying
7) buy more and more new clothes,shoes and jeans
8) go for dental checkup and perfect all my teeth
9) gather all my friends infront of me and do a mini concert for them..hehehehe
10) spent more quality time with my family especially my Abah

missing my mum @ 09:50 p.m.

missing my mum @ 06:08 p.m.

missing my mum @ 06:15 p.m.

I just got back from Kubur.I went with Nek Timah,driven by her son,Abg Herman.Upon reaching my mum's grave,I was already in tears.I miss my Mum.I can still remember seeing her being put into the grave.Oh God!

Yesterday was a happier saturday for me.Thank Allah for it. I was 'forced' in a nice way by Mariah n Serlynna to go for the Financial Planning talk handled by Serlynna from 1000hrs to 1200hrs. And somehow..I enjoyed myself there..and met with a few of my fellow friends whom Ive not seen for quite awhile like Farizah,Asnur,Guy Ghazali,Kohe Noor and etc..and managed to break some ice with our new staff,Khalisa..she said im cute.Hehehehe..*blush*..and somehow..I started thinking twice abt getting a new hp for myself.My friends were nagging at me abt it till my ears went red.Haha!

After the talk,I went to Tampines with Mariah and Suhaila.They wanted me to teach them play pool..so Im ready to be their proud teacher.Oh well..we had really damn great fun.Then we proceeded to CoffeeBean to chill for awhile and went home.

When I reached my void deck,I saw my dad walking slowly..and sat down with him there.He told me his legs were aching especially his joints.I became worried.At home,I wanted to put oilment on his legs,but he refused.Hmm..dunnolah.I worried for his health.What can I do to ease his pain..

I went out to Eastpoint wiv Miss Strawberry Shortcake and saw this really small and cute Panasonic MP3 on sale.149 bucks for it.Hmmm..thinking whether to get it or not.Hehe..then I bought a Glucosamine joint rubs for my Dad.When I gave him that..he was suprised.But he woke up and applied it on his legs.*smile*..I was njoyin myself last nite,eating lollipop and apple pie..smiling and laughing away with her..Hope she was happy too..

Im happy coz I was able to put some smiles to my dad,my friends..and whoever I met with.Hopefully,when Im down..its their turn to put the smile back on me.Hehe!

missing my mum @ 02:04 p.m.

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
You are not alone

Alone, alone
Why, alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
And I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words
And I'll come runnin'
And I, you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

missing my mum @ 12:54 a.m.

Hello...Im feeling quite satisfied and pleased wiv myself today compared to yesterday... Some will know why.. Today I was walking at the T2 departure hall and bought myself a new wallet.DKNY wallet..after few discounts..quite worth buying..woohoo..

After my work,I went home to change and proceeded to 4PM for my first Univision '05 committee meeting. Alhamdulillah.. all went well. Majority of my committee members are fresh new 4PM volunteers..but hey,they are resourceful though.I purposely invite them to be in my committee coz I want new and fresh ideas.And all of their inputs are wonderful,i shall say.Hopefully..we can strive till the end of the camp together,in unity..Hehe

Okay..Im feeling tired and sleepy..Goodnite WORLD!

missing my mum @ 10:57 p.m.

Its almost 0400hrs in the morning..I woke up..feeling uneasy,restless..I slept earlier after taking my medicine.I think the pharmacist must have fooled me about the 'non-drowsy' cough syrup n the tablet. Never mind about me.

My dad.. I know he can't sleep well too.. His mind is worrying elsewhere.. He waited for me last night and discussed with me over a few matters.I can't bear to talk further coz I can't bear to start crying with him..so I cried in the room alone.

Next stop of my mind... my friends... something is missing here.. can I ask u? will u forget me after u get what u wanted?.. i need d answers.. i always wonder about it... Anyway,for ur info..I am always there listening to you..and not hearing.. and Im quiet all the time because Im thinking,analysing.. believe it or not.

Maybe Im starting to be more sensitive towards everyone's feelings.Everyone..everyone in my life.. But is everyone sensitive towards my feelings?..We'll see..

missing my mum @ 03:55 a.m.

Im sick

Im sleepy

Im coughing like a mad dog

Im sneezing like a cute cat

Im running a fever

Im having stomach pain

Im enjoying cheesecake n bubble tea

Im ruining my bloody digestive system

Im missing my Mum

Im crying alone again....

missing my mum @ 10:37 p.m.

Do you agree, with the fact that friends come and go into your life..leave their footprints behind...and make you never the same again? I believe it...What do we do to them? What do we do to stop that from happening to our lives? I don't have the answers. Do you?

What I wanna share here with you is dat..we should treasure those that enter into our lives,be it short or long term... Search the true friends you've dream for.. Treat them as how you wanted to be treated..Yeah dats true for sure..

However..we must bear in mind..not all are to our expectations.Some do backfire us.We just need to be on our guard sometimes.For me,I don't care.I treasure whom I feel deserved to be treasure.I admit I do enter some lives,touches their hearts...and when I feel they don't need me..I take my leave..

Not only that...will those friends whom I always treasure,begin to ignore me once they find their true happiness?...Only God Knows..

missing my mum @ 11:53 p.m.

Alhamdulillah.The kenduri went well just now. My stomach is boncet also. I'm feeling all sleepy and tired. This week I wonder whats up with the guys.They seem to be soo caught up with their 'business'.. well..

Im busy with my training.I passed my first module.Alhamdulillah.Left 4 more modules to go.My trainer dismissed us at 1600hrs today. So I thought of going home straight since I got a kenduri at night but my Adek's birthday today and I had not bought her any gift.So she wanted accesories.Actually, Ive never buy her a gift all her life..so since I've now becoming more n more sweet sister,I went to Isetan to get her one set of accesories..

then as on my way to the interchange, the promoters,financial advisers,anyone stopped me to promote their items upon seeing me in my uniform.Today I felt a little chatty so I talked to the insurance guy for a while..and walk walk..there's dis malay guy stopped me selling the Jamiyah Children's Home coupon.I rejected him coz Ive got one already..but he still followed me with questions about my work as he looked at my uniform..I answered and asked him if he was a volunteer for the organisation..and Then thats when the real conversation started..

He's not a volunteer neither a staff..but he's an in-house mate who was transfered to the Jamiyah's halfway house. Selling the Amal coupons is one of the activities held for the inmates there. I was so interested to listen to his life story out of sudden and stayed rooted to the floor.He said is the hardcore type..drugs made him so.. he talked like someone full of life experience and wisdom..he told me he learnt self reflection on himself,some psychology counselling and etc. He do regret for what he done coz he pitied his parents.He was glad that his parents still behind him to give him moral support.He'll be out by this August hopefully.I wished him all the best and hoped he really change for the better and not to be easily influenced by friends.He said friends dont really affect him but what he really needs is moral support.That is the most hardest thing to get for an ex-convict.Yeah i agreed with him..

Cakap punya cakap..citer makin gerek sampai rasa mcm nak duduk minum kopi bebual..haha but he cant do that.He said its one of the rules of the Home.He cant even make a phonecall home.Woow..wat a good sharing session.But Im late..malam kenduri woi.So I had to take my leave and he agreed talking to me was fun.Haha..He asked my age...and when I told him im 23,he was disbelieved.Coz I talked like someone matured..yeah rite..I then took out 5bucks and bought one of his coupons..and thanked him for sharing wiv me..Hehe..

So what Ive learnt today from this stranger is very good lesson for us to ponder on.We shouldnt really look down on this inmates.They really should be given good moral support.

missing my mum @ 10:11 p.m.

Boring sungguh hidop ni kadang2. skejap happy2,skejap sedih.. Apa nak jadi dgn aku.. hai diam tak diam,sudah nak masok 40 hari kepergian mak aku. terasa sayu skali memikirkan Mak.Sedih yg sukar untuk mendefinasikan. Telan ajelah seorang diri. Orang lain mana nak tahu. kadang-kadang aku pelik dengan diri aku.. aku pelik dengan keadaan dan manusia2 disekeliling aku. Aku pun tak tahu kenapa. Aku rasa seperti mereka mempermainkan dan mempersendakan diri aku..oh bukan sahaja diri aku malahan kebaikan aku,pemikiran aku,kesedihan aku. Kenapalah mereka begitu? Mereka telah membuat aku merasakan bahawa aku ni insan yg paling bodoh dalam dunia ni. Ambil kesempatan aje. Ini membuat aku sedih skali...kalaulah Mak masih ada... *haiz*

Aku risaulah pasal kesihatan Abah aku. Mungkin sebab dia terlalu sedih atas kepergian Mak,membuat darah tingginya naik..Abah pulak tu ada diabetes,abeh kaki Abah pun dah tak kuat lagik. Barney ada beritahu pasal arwah bapaknya, pun sakit kaki mcm Abah aku jugak tapi lambat berubat terus jadi melarat.. Aku terus pikiran sekejap bila dengar Barney kata gitu.Ya Allah, aku tak laratlah nak pikir yg bukan2 lagik.Aku dah tak sanggup kehilangan satu lagik..Sekarang ni,yang aku nak pikirkan ialah menjaga kesihatan Abah aku. Harap-harap dia cepatlah sembuh...

missing my mum @ 05:44 p.m.

I woke up quite late this morning,ard 1000hrs.My dad woke me up.I promised to accompany him to Tok Busu's new coffeehouse@siglap.Over there,I drank the Teh Halia.Powerr. We chat with Bubu Fam abt my late mum.Teary eyes around...hmm...

We reached home ard 1300hrs.Then I met Nuriah coz she's accompanyin me to the bookshop nearby our houses.I need to get some stationary for my course tomorrow.I wanted to drink bubble tea and ended up trying the new drink stall selling chococino n suchs.I even end up in a handphone shop surveying K750i and nokia 3230.Now im still thinking which one shud I get.

Barney n Hamzah promised to meet me@Cityhall ard 1800hrs..but they were late.I nearly got pissed off by them.I left home after magrib since they called me soo late and when I reached there,they were still at Queenstown.Barney irritated me by telling me to go and eat first.Hmmph!When they arrived,I was nagging at them.They decided to go Bugis..and I was still nagging on our way there.Poor them!Hamzah even told me that Ive changed so much in a week.Haha!Then upon reaching Bugis Junction,I wanted to buy yoghurt icecream from the Italiano stall.The guys were sweet to cool me down,by treating me!Hehe..I got myself yoghurt n strawberry flavour.Barney chosed Mango n strawbery,Hamzah chosed chocomint and eggyolk thingy(dat looks like shit,hehe).. we sat down and ate our icecream happily.We joke ard like small kids eating icecreams.sweet one.

Oh I got myself a bag at bugis village.The shop accepts cash only and I only had that time.Barney and Hamzah forked out each.Haha,Thanks!But I had to pay when we ate at ZAMZAM restaurant then.Bayar NETS lagik tau!canggih!..hahaha..Oh Hamzah gave us some souvenirs he bought for us from Goldcoast,Australia. We took some pics and a special video message for Mariah who cudn't join us.Kesian! We always have fun together..hmmm..kinda miss Pika now.Its been months since I met him.Wonder how he's doing now.

missing my mum @ 12:49 a.m.

Im having gastric pain..hmm maybe eat too much or eat too less?..Haha,i dunno wat im thinking. Anyway, Hooray for HAMZAH! He's back from his trip today!I was kinda bored so I tried calling up all my frens..and i tried his..and wen he answer..WOW!!HAHA... we will meet up tomorrow anyway,same place..Funan CoffeeBean aite?

And oh...another good fren of mine..is back too!Its been hmm years since I met her.My good,old childhood fren, Raihanah!Welcome back dear!She's also just got home from her studies in Al-Azhar this morning..I was told by my dad just now coz he met her dad in the mosque..so I immediately "harrassed" raihanah..hahaha..we will surely meet soon ya..coz she juz lives opposites me.Haha.

Cool day,dude.All is fine though.Initially planning to go out,but due to last minute changes.Well,tomorrow then hopefully. By the way,I was a sweet daughter to my dad this morning.Hehe..coz both of us jalan2 with my dad's old scooter around Tampines and decided to visit my sister's house.After that,he wanted to go home before Zuhur. So on our way back,he's kinda hinting me of this supplement which his friend recommended which is good for his joint pain.So I brought my dad to the Guardian pharmacy to find the supplement..and bought it for him ah..despite the price.As long he gets well soon..anything for u,Abah! *smiles*

missing my mum @ 06:06 p.m.

Whenever it comes to thursday..my mood will always change.Maybe its the day of my mum's death. I miss her alot ah.I miss her voice,her nags,her laughter...everything about her.. Oh God!Help me.. I think im becoming more egoist day by day as I tried to be strong and hide away the cries behind my smiles.. And when suddenly I exploded all of them out.. Poor me.Poor all my loved ones who have to be patient with my angers and mood swings.

Work is great.Im creating good bonds with most of my colleagues now.Hopefully.... aaah!

missing my mum @ 10:51 p.m.

Lets talk abt yesterday.Err Sunday.. Well,it was Father's day and I wished my Abah a Happy Father's Day. He was speechless..didn't reply me.. n then he started to cry softly.. but he didnt wanna show me..I still asked him if he wanted anything..but he didnt want anything..

Then I was in my room all afternoon..chatting with my laptop,listening to music,surfing this n that..boring!!I dun wanna watch TV..Time passed very slowly last afternoon.

Then came six o'clock.I've to get ready and met up with Hasni,Adlina and Barney at our usual hangout,Funan Coffee Bean.Oh Rosma was with Barney too.Hasni wanted to meet us to discuss on the upcoming 4PM's Integration Camp.We did this and that till 8plus..then Barney,Rosma and I proceeded to Changi Airport to send our beloved brother away to Australia..Haha,actually he will only be away for a week but still Barney and I wanted to send him for fun.Haha.

Both of us were kinda dramatic as soon as we reached Terminal 2.Rosma took a video of us running and dramatically shouting and searching for Hamzah.Haha so funny that time.Then from far we finally saw Hamzah and how excited we were,running so happily towards Hamzah and hugged him as soon we reached him.(Err...Barney hugged and I was just an extra)hehe..

Thanked Rosma for willing to chase us from behind to shoot a video of our touching moments.Too bad Mariah couldn't make it to join us.

Well,after Hamzah checked in, the rest of us went to Swensens to eat.Yummy..

missing my mum @ 09:32 p.m.

dis week of work quite fulfilling for me.I've adapt to doing nothing and tagging along with whoever I want to. Fun.A week's more to training..woohooo..

And at this same week also, Im suffering from complete depression..when it comes to 7pm sharp to 9pm,where I'll be alone at home after my dad's gone to the mosque.. that's when I cried for my mum.hmmm... but Im glad I got my frenz around me to talk to during dat time.. Well,my frenz said Ive changed.Less talkative,less kecoh..n forgetful. Ive forgotten all about my Integration meeting and 4PM dis week. Soo sorry Hasni.Firstly,apologies to my sweethearts(Taufik, Mariah, Barney n Hamzah)..if there were the times I hurt your feelings on no reasons..I know you guys dun want me to be sad..love ya for wat u've done. Oh to Yaty,Banu n Noya... they are my darlings..a great company to chat wiv. Thanks everyone!

Okay..i wanna tell ya dis. I got myself another adidas jacket!wohooo..a great solution to my depression actually!I cant wait to wear it when I meet my friends tomorrow! Err..what else..Oh I actually read thru all my past entries and archives... hmmm and those entries I wrote about my mum..and suprisingly,i found dis pic when me n my sistaz took wiv my mum..Ladies only. Hmm.. atleast I got dat for memories.. Mak!I miss u..

missing my mum @ 01:02 p.m.

Right now in my house,there are these two beautiful small girls, one aged 9 years and the other is just 3 years old. I don't know their mother really well. Can considered a stranger...but I still willing to look after her children for tonight. I somehow sympathize these two kids. Their parents are always working and its 12 hours shift. The elder sister (9 years old) always has to be at home alone with her younger sister throughout the nights till their parents came home at around 2am, and left for work by 2pm.

Pity them.Lack of parents' attention, i must say. The elder sister told me, "Bapak selalu busy keja. Selalu takde duit nak kasi mak.Sebab tu mak kena keja,pasal mak nak belikan adik mainan.Bila bapak free pon,bapak sibuk main bola.." Oh..so that's what their problems are like...

Really ah.Belas sungguh melihat budak-budak ni. I was told that they always eat Maggi when they are hungry.Almost EVERYDAY... I was touched when I saw how lovingly the 9 years old girl comforting her younger sister who was crying and even willing to carry her all the way to Cold Storage. Looking at them, i felt so ashamed of myself. I then offered to carry her younger sister and luckily she's willing to. These girls are now sleeping on my bed. They just slept.The younger sister was crying for her mum just now. I made her milk and then she slept peacefully.Oh God..Please protect this children.

missing my mum @ 12:01 a.m.

Aku berasa sepi sekali hari ini..Kosong yg teramat kosong.. Sepi yang teramat sepi.. Aku tidak berjaya.. tidak berjaya menyimpan sedihku... Aku tidak berjaya menunjukkan kekuatanku.. Aku sudah cuba...sudah cuba sedaya upayaku.. Kenapa??! Kenapa aku tidak dapat melakukannya seperti orang lain yg pernah mengalami kehilangan seperti aku?...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Pedulikan apa orang nak kata..pedulikan apa yang orang nak fikir. Ini jiwa aku...naluri aku.. Aku sedang mencuba ni.. Tahukah kamu akan erti kemurungan? Ya,ini kemurungan yg ku alami. Aku merindui emakku..

missing my mum @ 07:26 p.m.

Today seems to be very dull for me. There are entertainment around me like internet,tv,radio bla bla... but still,all are non-living things.Ive been sleeping early lately..not because of work but because Im always feeling drowsy when the time reached 9pm.

Yesterday,I was at home playing with my baby nephew,Nazif.He's so cute.I love it when he tries very hard to laugh like Elmo.Haha.4PM having their induction at 1400hrs but I didn't want to go eventually because I really have no mood for 4PM eversince my mum passed away.However,my dad made me go.So I didnt tell anyone that Im coming there except for Hamzah. Yeah,I can see the suprised look on each of them especially Mariah.Im actually happy to see them but my heart seems quite empty suddenly.

After that I headed to meet Taufik because I wanted to buy a motor helmet for my dad.Father's day gift.Im glad my dad like it.Taufik also helped to get my dad's medicine.Thank you. Then we headed home straight. Barney was having a family chalet and invited me to come but I was not in the mood.Sorry guys,next time ok.

I don't know why suddenly last night,my heart was crying out for my Mum.I miss her so much. I still cant accept the fact she's gone forever. I just felt as if she's leaving me for a holiday or something. Hmm..no use lah if I talked this out.I just feel like running and shouting out for my mum.haaa...nevermind.

missing my mum @ 12:43 p.m.

Its been around 3 weeks since Ive started working and my training still have not started yet.So while waiting,I just sit at the office and observed my colleagues especially with whatever they are working on. Basically,I enjoy the jobscope as this is what Ive been wanting to do.Alhamdulillah.

Anyway,as time passes,I started to make a bunch of clicks. And as I mixed around alot with this bunch of clicks..I smell an air of jealousness,unhappiness and 'kecoh'ness among most of the seniors and the juniors. Err...after awhile,I understood whatever they were hinting on although they have no intention of influencing me. And the fact that I cant be bothered coz Im new there and I want to be neutral.

I think the coffeeshop politics are becoming more and more serious when I started to follow two of my colleagues jalan2 at T2 and they were shopping for branded n expensive handbag and sunglasses (where my jaws started to open widely since I know I cant afford that). Well, never mind what they want to shop for..but the reason that there are brand competition in the office as in who's wearing the most branded handbag,for an example, do slightly frighten me off.

I felt inferior yesterday being with them coz I know that I just started work and starting to save and helped my family.If I wanted to join them being in the branded group,I think I might as well become jobless. Unless after a few months of working and savings,and when I started to stabilize my financial state..then I can start to pamper myself with those stuffs.

PS: I got my first pay yesterday and I was in tears,thinking of my promises to my late mum.

missing my mum @ 06:47 a.m.

My mind is trying to settle down..step by step slowly. Financial difficulties...that's what Im coping right now.A lot of responsibilities for me,be it internal or external affairs. However,family comes first.

Last night,I finally dreamt of my late mum... two times though. Thanks Allah,You hear my prayers. First dream,I was searching for my Mak in an unfamiliar town.Alot of shophouses around me. In my dream,my Mak was seriously ill so I had to find her to bring her home.Then I went up this shophouse.All the way up till I found my Mak wearing a white Telekong,sitting on a high-rise big wooden shelving.In front of her,stood a lady,putting on make-up on my Mak's face.I had to stand on a long chair to talk to my Mak.I asked her,"Mak,kan mak sakit..kenapa Mak pakai make-up?"... and she replied me,"Nanti Mak lawa kalau Mak mati".. and she's gone the minute I took out my handphone to take a picture of her..

The next minute I woke up from the dream and slept back.It brought me to another dream of my Mak again. I went into my parents' room to see my sick mum. I wanted to comfort her..my dad woke up and went outside..so left me n my Mak in the room. I said to Mak,"Mak..sabar eh"..but my Mak was silent,eyes were looking at me but her lips were really sealed. I repeated myself again and again she was silent. Then she rised and said, "Aku nak balik,aku nak balik".. and the minute she walked away..n she's disappeared.

Oh God..are those dreams are plainly dreams to show how I missed my Mak or are there a message behind those dreams?..Whatever it is,I dont want to think too much of those dreams.Right now what's important is my doa for my Mak...everyday..As for the messages behind those dreams,.. Only God knows...

missing my mum @ 10:34 p.m.

Right now im using the free internet at terminal one.Its my one hour break and since I got nothing to do,not much appetite to eat much.Just standing here and writing my entry.

Sad stories...my internet usage at home got cut off.As I was out of cash the previous and current month,I did not settle my outstanding bills.What to do... Oh,I finally went to see a doctor yesterday.I didnt dare to take mc.Just the prescribed medications will do.My throat was killing me the past few days.Now it seems to be soothing.Hopefully...and all the itchiness has gone down. Hmmm..

Whats next..my brother from Jakarta had came back home last night.Tearful night for us family.She's gone,yeah we know that.But I do have the right to mourn although..

Oh God!Pls grant my prayers..I wanna see my mum..n hug her for once!Amin

missing my mum @ 11:43 a.m.

At this hour,I woke up wiv a sore throat.A very bad one.erghh..I just gaggled on my cough syrup. However,I cant go back to my sleep.Oh God,I slept earlier around 11pm thinking that I need enough rest for work later. My whole body is in pain right now.Im running a fever,blocked nose,sore throat,cough...and worst of all...anal irritation.. Yucks!

I really dont understand why all these are happening to me at this moment.Maybe it's diverting my thinking to take care of myself? However,I still dont know why I refuse to see a doctor.Its been kinda a week,I've been like this. Sleepless nights...

I just bought my own medication from the pharmacy actually.So if still not get well,then I will see a doctor,aite?

Lets talk about my new job.I can see its a fun,challenging job.Something I've always dream of and something that my parents have been wanting me to do. I'll hold on to this one for a long one coz it got lots of unforgettable memories. So far,I did nothing much at work.Just sitting and smiling around...see what the seniors are working on..roughly get an idea what I'll be doing after my training.They told me that my training will commence in mid June due to shortage of trainees. So meanwhile,I just enjoy this 'working' moment.

missing my mum @ 04:15 a.m.

Sudah seminggu lebih berlalu. Kadang-kala aku terasa masa itu cepat.Kadang-kala pula aku rasa masa itu berlalu dengan lembabnya. Cepat mungkin semasa aku bekerja.Lembab mungkin semasa aku di-rumah. Aku tahu ramai kawan-kawan aku sentiasa bersamaku jika aku susah atau senang. Aku tahu mereka tidak suka melihat aku bersedih selalu. Aku cuba untuk cekalkan hatiku. Airmata aku sudah kering untuk ditangiskan lagi, tetapi dadaku terlalu sebak untuk meluahkannya. Apa yang telah berlaku memang terlalu mendadak bagiku serta keluargaku.

Aku belas sekali melihat Abahku.Aku sentiasa memastikan abah aku tidak keseorangan terlalu lama dirumah.Aku mengerti akan kepahitannya. Didepan abahku,aku cuba untuk tidak bersedih. Aku kuatkan semangat aku tetapi bila aku keseorangan didalam bilik,mindaku terus diulit segala kenangan.

Seminit aku ketawa,seminit lagi aku berdiam diri termenung.Mudah-mudahan semua berlalu dengan cepat. Ramai yang bersimpati dengan nasibku.Aku tahu situasi aku bukan seorang. Kisah aku ini biarlah jadi teladan buat kawan-kawanku yang lain yang mempunyai ibu-bapa.

Kepada sahabat karibku,Faizal Pika.Selamat harijadi kepadamu.Kita merancang tetapi Tuhan tentukan.Kerana aku,kau rela korbankan kebahgian sehari mu itu. Aku bersyukur mendapat kawan=kawan yang baik disekelilingku.Akan aku ingat sesiapa yang telah berbudi kepada aku dan keluargaku.Kepada sesiapa yang telah menzalimi keluargaku terutama sekali arwah emakku,Semoga Allah menerima taubatmu.

missing my mum @ 12:46 p.m.

missing my mum @ 02:46 p.m.

Pada 19 May 2005 bersamaan dgn 10 Rabiulakhir. Emak ku, Hjh Lela Bte Alwi,telah menghembuskan nafasnya yg terakhir. Dimana tiba-tiba hidupku yang bercahaya terus menjadi gelap. Aku terus buntu, kehilangan yg amat besar dalam hidupku.

Emak! Kenapa Mak tinggalkan Falah,Mak? Kan Mak nak tinggal dengan Falah! Kenapa Mak pergi sebelum Falah dapat tunaikan segala janji Falah terhadap Mak!!! Aku meraung disaat melihat tubuh emakku terbaring kaku diatas katilnya. Tidak ku sangka Emakku telah pergi secepat ini. Aku belum bersedia!

Aku sayangkan Emak aku..Dialah tempat aku bermanja,bergurau,ketawa,menangis...Dialah segalanya bagiku. Tapi Allah lebih menyayangi dia.Berat hatiku untuk menerima kehilangan Emak tetapi berat lagik hatiku melihat dia sakit menderita begitu..Betapa sakitnya dia menderita hanya Allah sahaja yg mengetahui...Dialah orang yang paling ku kagumi.Seorang yg penyabar.

Aku bersyukur kerana diberi peluang utk berbakti kepada Emakku pada saat-saat akhir hayatnya itu.Tetapi aku terkilan kerana tidak dapat bersamanya pada hembusan nafasnya yang terakhir.

Aku tidak dapat lupa saat-saat terakhir aku bersama Emak sebelum aku pergi keja.Aku terjaga dari tidur waktu subuh pada pagi itu kerana mendengar Emak ku bernafas dengan kuat skali.Aku terus lari ke bilik Emak dan melihat Emak duduk sorang kat atas katil dalam keadaan yang amat tersangat lemah sekali. Abah sudah ke masjid untuk solat subuh.Emak sudah beberapa hari itu tidak dapat tidur dan tidak dapat makan dengan betul semenjak kepulangan kami dari KL.Kasihan sekali aku melihat dia.Aku berdiri di sebelah Emak menanyakan dia.Emak aku lagik mengah tapi aku dapat dengarkan yang dia nak buang air kecil tetapi dia sudah tidak ada tenaga untuk bergerak.

Aku hendak memapahnya ke kerusi rodanya tetapi dia tidak berdaya untuk bangun.Aku melihat dia seperti sedang tidur duduk sambil nak terjatuh.Aku terus memeluk dia dan aku tidak akan lupa bagaimana dia sandarkan kepalanya itu diatas dadaku.Aku menangis disaat itu kerana aku tahu ibuku sudah lama tidak dapat tidur.Sesudah itu aku dengan tabahnya memujuk Emak supaya perlahan2 berdiri dan aku akan memapahnya ke tandas.Dia terus setuju.Aku dengan kuatnya menggengam badannya dan mengalihkannya ke kerusi roda dan terus ke tandas.Aku sungguh terkejut apabila dia menyuruhku membersihkan dirinya itu.Itulah pertama kali dan terakhir sekali aku membersihkan dirinya.

Kemudian aku memapahnya semula ke katilnya.Aku menangis di saat itu tetapi dalam diam kerana tidak mahu Emakku tahu. Aku berasa lega bila abahku sudah pulang dari masjid.Aku pun terus mandi dan solat subuh lalu membacakan surah Yassin bersama abahku untuk Emak.Aku fikiran kerana aku terpaksa pergi bekerja.Aku baru mula kerja sehari.Mana akan mereka percayakan aku kalau aku minta cuti.

Aku menemani Emak ku dibiliknya.Aku tanya dia jika aku boleh pergi bekerja dan dia benarkan,begitu juga dgn Abah.Lalu Emak memintaku membuatkannya air Milo yg selalu aku buatkan untuknya hari-hari.Aku terus ke dapur dan mendapati Milo sudah habis.Tanpa berfikir panjang,aku terus keluar ke kedai untuk membeli Milo untuk Emak.Walaupun aku sudah lewat sedikit ke kerja,aku buatkan air Milonya dan letak di atas mejanya.Aku ingin suapkan air Milo itu tetapi dia tidak mahu.Aku menangis mendengar dia mengadu kesakitan.Aku tidak tahu apa mahu buat ketika itu.Mahu dihantar ke hospital tetapi dia tidak mahu.Aku terus mengurut dadanya dan menyuruhnya bersabar.Lalu aku terus bersiap ke kerja.

Hatiku tidak tenang sepanjang perjalananku ke kerja.Apabila sampai di kerja,aku mendapat panggilan daripada adikku bahawa Emak yang ku sayang,sudah tidak ada lagi di dunia.Aku tergamam seribu bahasa.Aku tidak percaya! Aku terus meminta izin bos aku untuk pulang.Bos aku turut bersimpati dgn nasibku. Aku terus menghubungi adik-beradikku yg lain dan kawan-kawan karibku.Airmataku berlinangan dalam perjalanan pulang.Ya Allah,betapa berat dugaan yang kutempuhi ini!

Melihat Emak ku,aku meraung tidak berhenti.Oh Emak!Betapa aku merinduimu!Sekarang harta yg paling bernilai didalam hidupku adalah Abahku.Akan aku tunaikan impian Emak.Emak aku berharap sekali aku mendapat pekerjaan itu kerana stabil katanya.Sehingga Emakku menelipon kawan2nya utk berkongsi kabar gembira aku dah dapat kerja.Ringan sikit bebannya untuk membayar bil rumah katanya.Rupa-rupanya....

Abah aku bersamanya pada nafasnya yang terakhir.Dia ingin ke-tandas untuk buang air besar.Lalu memberitahu abah bahawa najisnya hitam sekali,mungkin itulah najis yang terakhir.Selepas itu,entah bagaimana dia kuat berdiri dan berlari ke kerusi rodanya sambil berkata dgn gembira,"Aku nak balik!" Abahku ingat dia ingin balik ke katilnya.Yang aku terharu bila abahku ceritakan Emak meminum Milo yang ku buatkan untuknya.Walaupun sesuap,tetapi ertinya sungguh bermakna sekali.Dia baring sambil mengadu sakit tangan.Abahku memicit2 tangannya...lalu dia tidur..buat selama-lamanya.

"Ya Allah,aku bersyukur kepadaMu kerana Kau telah memberiku peluang untuk berbakti dgn Emak disaat-saat akhir hayat Emakku.Kau berilah aku kekuatan untuk menempuhi perjalanan hidupku ini...supaya aku dapat menjaga Abahku.Itu sahaja harta yang sangat berharga buat diriku.Aku akan selalu berdoa buat untukmu Emak..semoga Emak ditempatkan diantara orang-orang yang beriman.Amin.."

missing my mum @ 11:36 a.m.