you're gone you're gone you're gone away
if you don't like being hurt then please don't stay
Friday, March 11, 2005
09:14 p.m.

if he hates you for one angry outburst and a friend who took things into her own hands, then he can't be worth much. suat said that to me today and i think, somehow, that she's right.

you meant so much to me, and hell, you still do. it's ok that you hate me or whatever like fuck it is, but i cant make you not. and if i dont mean anything to you anymore, then i cant be more than i am and i know i cant take back everything i've said. its all my fault it wasnt really all me, i didnt tell her to shout at you or whatever. it was my fault because i missed you, and wait, it was my fault because i screwed up in the beginning.

i dont want you to hate me. hell, i dont want anyone to hate me, but you more than anyone. i wish we were still friends.

i hope you do well for your O's and i hope your team (except for wei chien.) makes it somewhere, and if you dont i hope you know you're a wonderful player and dont get too down.

i will always be here, though, if you change your mind.
but i cant keep waiting and hoping, so i'm going to just say goodbye.

maybe when the room is empty
maybe when the bottle's full.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
06:35 p.m.

just felt terribly worried about yongquan today during drama and was stoning around outside the d&d cos just didnt want to go in and act like i was ok. shibao's fault for reminding me. mr ken was said sth really nice. and i mean. nice.

i still owe mr lee like, 63 bucks cos stupid B0kk0Rs refuses to let me keep the treasury. sucks. i MUST pay everyone by tml because i dont wanna owe over the hols.
when me and jan were late for pe, sivanehhh said, girls why are you always so punctual? and I said, oh cos we always finish Chinese SO early, EVERY SINGLE DAY. it was funny.
then during maths, I asked the koh-monster sth and she was looking at the quest number like, hey havenĄ¯t we done this already, Eleanor you have to learn to keep up. then she flipped the page and realised that while she and the class were on part C i was on part I and you shoulda seen her face^^
chem test wasnĄ¯t too bad either.

syf will be held at tCHS' audi. i hope i dont let mr ken down because, as i gathered from today, he has tremendous faith in me.

SHAKEDOWNYOUMAKEMEBREAK
FORGOODNESSSAKE
i think i'm on the edge.
Wednesday, March 9, 2005
06:19 p.m.

i just dont think that you can see
i taper off
and say its never worth the pain
but sometimes it is

and you don't care
your face is on a billboard
and you're everywhere
you don't care much for interviews
you're gone you're gone you're gone you're gone
you're gone you're gone you're gone you're gone away

if you don't like being hurt then please don't stay

read that matthews been at the dig which means its started again. emailed shu to find out when i can go down. need sth to think about other than drama.

ELEANOR:
Monday, March 7, 2005
05:39 p.m.

if you dont like being hurt then please don't stay, eleanor, grow up. stop breaking your own heart.

when all i wanted was perfection.
Sunday, March 6, 2005
11:08 p.m.

am not looking forward to sch tml. amnt feeling very pro-school these days. italian O's are 17th and 20th may. and the confirmation slip that came, the name on top said Eliatica (i changed my italian name) HEH! anyways have to go. see you.

promise me maybes
and say things you dont mean.
Saturday, March 5, 2005
12:53 p.m.

am feeling like a horrible brainless twat because i asked my dad to pick me up from tuition but then when i finished i came out and went home myself! i maintain that i didn;t see him when i came out and i assumed he had forgotten. but it turns out he went round the block 8 times waiting for me (and its a big block!) and why would he forget! my dad has never forgotten to pick me up from anything! ahh and now i have ruined his stressfreeworkfree morning and also cried sat on the staircase for a full fiver crying.

plus, my sketchbook is still in sch and i'm rotting without it.

say you'll stay dont come and go.
Friday, March 4, 2005
06:36 p.m.

heh drama was weird today, sazali director guy is making hamlet sound totally perverted and its really ewwww cant wait till mr ken gets back to SAVE US.
after that went to macs with cindy matthew muthu shibao cos cindy wanted to eat icecream. i spent (more than half) the time asleep cos i had no cash and anyway i was totalled. nice to sleep in macs anyway.

feeling rather down today. drama has started to have that effect on me. am fricking MAD that i left my sketch book in the fourth floor study area. stupidstupidstupid me.

i'll never understand a guy
Thursday, March 3, 2005
11:20 p.m.

don't stray, don't ever go away
i should be much too smart for this
you know it gets the better of me
sometimes, when you and i collide
i fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
don't let me drown, let me down
i say it's all because of you

and here i go, losing my control
i'm practising your name so i can say it to your face
it doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
let all the things you mean to me
come tumbling out my mouth
indeed it's time to tell you why
i say it's infintely true

say you'll stay, don't come and go
like you do
sway my way, yeah i need to know
all about you

and there's no cure, and no way to be sure
why everything's turned inside out
instilling so much doubt
it makes me so tired - i feel so uninspired
my head is battling with my heart
my logic has been torn apart
and now it all turns sour
come sweeten every afternoon

say you'll stay, don't come and go
like you do
sway my way, yeah i need to know
all about you

it's all because of you
it's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
it's time to tell you why, i say it's infinitely true

say you'll stay, don't come and go
like you do
sway my way, yeah i need to know
all about you

it's all because of you
it's all because of you
it's all because of you

i have just had enough of you and how you fuck around with my emotions. tell me what i mean to you or tell what you dont trust me with STOP DROPPING HINTS, or else just make it clear we're only friends. i love you, i hope you know that, and if you dont want it that way then thats fine, i love as more than that. i love you as a friend. and thats the most i ever could.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005
06:52 p.m.

boy you make me sick

i shouldnt be thinking about you, theres so much to worry about, and yongquan.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005
10:33 p.m.

oh my god he has to make it please say he'll make it please.

Monday, February 28, 2005
09:17 p.m.

gah. decided, on a whim, to practise my lines in front of a mirror. i dont know how we're going to win syf; i'm playing Ophelia, for gods sake! having scary thoughts about letting matthew and cindy and vans and muthu down, more than that i'm worried i'll let shibao down, and even more than that i'm afraid i'll let nicole down. i promised (even if she wasnt listening) that i would do this well and i'm not sure if i can.

but if i built you a city
Monday, February 28, 2005
04:29 p.m.

heh todays assembly was interesting >< even thought I have baaaaaaaaaaaad memories of that play. I was thinking of randall gaying around and wearing a feather boa... which is more thinking that anyone wants to do.
and WHOOT matthew you pro-ded. My whole class agrees you reminded them of mr lee, a disturbing fact as... well. Heh and cindy was wonderrfull tooo. And muthu of COURSE.
everyones kinda freaked by eds now ^^

have this horrible feeling that I cant live up to my seniors ><

also have KILOS of lit/eng to do so must run. Love.
ps, if you missed the B0kk0R saying, TSS is in threeELL tml. 3L 3L 3L! heh.

(breakfast at tiffany's)
Sunday, February 27, 2005
11:00 a.m.

Heh Karen youre cool >< (and breakfast at tiffany's is terribly bouncy-happy, thanks)

so you kill Unique Lemony and I'll kill Hamlet. Heh we could share a jailcell.
must run. If get below 60 shall end up in lonkang sch where I will get beaten up, so. Love.

dear sir or madam:
Saturday, February 26, 2005
03:14 p.m.

Well congratulations, Eleanor, you've been alone for a full three years now.

How are you going to cope with NO-ONE there for you, or no-one able to be there for you? How are you going to manage seeing the only guy you could possibly like at this moment blatantly telling you he's attached and still playing you against her? Aren't you going to break down? Aren't you going to hurt someone else? Aren't you going to make another mistake? And won't you regret it terribly after that?

Let's see, shall we?

Regards, Eleanor Lim.

Friday, February 25, 2005
06:00 p.m.

if possible today was even worse than yesterday. i have run out of fake smiles and i hate trying to lie about it. and i hate how you can tell me i'm pretty and that youre attached in the same breath. i hate how you say im like her because then i think maybe you're only here because of that.

I fucking MISS YOU KIAN COME MAKE IT ALL OK.

Thursday, February 24, 2005
09:26 p.m.

im too tired and stressed to write you a poem, or make you a layout. i just hope you know i'll never stop missing you. EVER.

IS SHE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I'M NOT?
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
10:46 p.m.

gah. am sitting here waiting for Karen and her dead modem to reappear and am sort of looking at the chem homework i don't understand and comparing it to that intolerable lovesick boy who likes a migratory whale.

potassium hydroxide+nitric acid --> potassium nitrate+water

i hate the way you look at her. i almost wish it was nicole instead-- well at least that would have made sense because nicole was tall and pretty and sweet and funny and pro-- and i felt bad trying to steal from ex-ophelia. but her? HER? honestly, before i choke to death, tell me you're not serious.

tomorrow-morning on the pavement.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
12:18 a.m.

come on, tell me, tell me
how she's beautiful and smart,
compare her to a bleeding Summer's Day.
let me hate the damned inadequate
heart that might have loved you once.

won't you try a little harder just
to let me see inside? try to
trust me, for all these nights
i've cried alone to slander-- burst my sidewalk dreams
i'll never let you by.

watch the petals cry themselves to sleep
for tomorrow-morning on the pavement
comes a little later.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005
06:38 p.m.

I WILL NOT CRY OVER YOU, YOU STUPID BOY.
all guys ever do is make you cry.

i dont wanna fall to pieces
i just wanna cry in front of you.
Monday, February 21, 2005
02:21 p.m.

i just kept a straight face while he said that, while YOU said that. and now i just feel terrible. i dont know why you acted like we might have been something. i dont know why you bothered acting like you cared! all those melodrama hollywoodian moments i thought meant something happened; i was so naive and i hate that i almost thought you almost cared.

so maybe i should just stop thinking about you. guys complicate everything,how could i forget? i just hurt myself like this because im always the stupid one.

i can't reject you, you're too quick for me.

maybe i should get that smart guys go for smart girls, shuai guys go for pretty girls, nice guys go for the other girl and i want you so bad. i want a constant in my life, someone who's physically there. i want someone like you but someones like you are never mine.

Thursday, February 17, 2005
10:37 p.m.

h1's are hannah's thing. but.

i know you hate me now for everything thats happened but i want you to know im terribly terribly sorry for all of it. im really sorry that is my fault and i cant move on until you know that. you'll be the best almost-gor i ever had.

aiksiong i still miss you. but hey, you dont miss me.

Thursday, February 17, 2005
12:36 a.m.

im FOURTEEN. FOURTEEN.

i cant believe im older than you now. its like one of the biggest constants in my life has just been completely muddled. you were always the tall one, the strong one, the good one, and now that ive outgrown you i feel like i should be taking resposability for myself. now i think about it i should have all the while; i was the one from the happy family with no problems. i should have been strong for you, not the other way around. but you were always here for me and i cant let that go.

claire(lim) june tzelin audrey and shibao all forgot my bday too. and ting neglected to mention it ><. saw tien cheng today and he helped me with my science.
selling ice cream tml near spiral staircase. please come support.

youre the closest to heaven that i'll ever be.
Monday, February 14, 2005
07:06 p.m.

believe me,
if i loved you
it might be less shattering
less painful and tear-mongering

because if i loved you i might
be going backwards
because if i loved you
then there might be a simple chance
that you could love me back.

i have these photos of me
crying and sleeping on a rumpled
empty double-bed; alone.
taken from above
and there's one of me floating in your arms.

and if i said i loved you
and if i really really meant it
and if i tried so hard to count out my dreams
and rank you as the first and foremost one
would you be my valentine?

you didnt even hear me say happy valentines. but maybe thats good cos if you had heard then so would the rest of the world and we dont want that do we.

another dream just got broken.
Monday, February 14, 2005
05:29 p.m.

i know i'm probably a little too late on this one, but will anyone be my valentine?

im having a bad day, week, month time these days.
i cant believe im almost fourteen.

champagne!
Friday, February 11, 2005
10:57 p.m.

haha i have finally understood what i have to act like in ophelia thinks harder. i need to do Marg Helgenberger in Erin Brockovich. sorry its the whole but wait is that... possible? tone of voice. i think i might do better now i have a model... i still can't nail that scene. gah

this is so freaky: erin brockovich's daughters first word is the same as damien's!

anyways THANKYOU to sine, damien (and the makers of Guylain chocolate) becuase youve kept me alive today, i love you both so mmuch.

Thursday, February 10, 2005
011:22 p.m.

isla i missed you like shit today.

YAY!
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
11:22 p.m.

THE SUNDERMANNS ARE COMING OUT SOON OH YES OH YES WONDERFULLLLLLLLLLLL!

PLEASE AUNTIE MYRNA HIDE ISLA IN YOUR SUITCASE.

all because of you i am.
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
04:33 p.m.

haha hi fik

haiz theres NO DRAMA this week. I AM GOING TO ROT!!

and damn have to see the relatives for all the cny nonsense >< they had better have LOTS of angpaos.

haiz im bored. lol talking to fik about rgss cheers.. and about shibao, but nvm that lol.

saw zhennay at rgp today and i SWEAR she has grown even TALLER. its disgusting.

kkaes gotta go shower.. see you.

it's crazy how you're leaving me, star.
Monday, February 7, 2005
05:49 p.m.

jan i may have to say you are off your head but you are totally amazing. now lets sit tight and hope he understood and HOPE he really does.
today the SC investiture was so funny, me and jan kept cracking up, for reasons undisclosed. and we just couldnt help it it was really really daft, but hey. and guess what who she's getting me for my birthdayyyyy...... *runs off*

lol its cny so im gonna try sort out the accounts. musnt owe money over new year.

and sorry rgps-ers cos i wont be there tml.. have beeping third lang. this will all get better after the o-level i PROMISE.

its v.Day next week (hint HINT) and after that its my bday (hint hint HINT.) now will shoo and do the class-comp organised angel-mortal thing. hope it works! haha the RESPONSIBILITY! OH THE RESPONSIBILITY! ><

on a 1-to-10 she's a certified TWENNIE.
Sunday, February 6, 2005
02:44 p.m.

i never appreciated sleep so much. am trying to fix the strange probs with my wireless function. putting the thing on manual was kinda a mistake.

lol and NO, sam chan, i was NOT offering kisses to ppl so theyd donate. ><

but now the whole cca-cip euphoria has worn out and i gotta swim through so much algebra, i feel like whats-his-name Phelps.

cant wait for drama, and it was only on friday. and oh ahahahahaa i came up with a funny line i hear the call of panadol AHAHAHAAAA sorry i find it really funny.

i realise im blogging in a strange disjointed manner these days >< and i cant wait for drama.

oh love im tangled up yeah.
Saturday, February 5, 2005
10:06 p.m.

spent 10-430 at orchard today for flag day for the RDA. very tired and just woke up. feet are killing me and my calves are about to dissolve.i know i soud cheesier than cheese, but

hope i made a difference today.

TWO FULL TINS, baby! i pro.

thank god for the free coke thing, tho. lost ting and tiff sometime round lunch. some bastard on the mrt called me hong2 mao2 gui3 and i half-yelled at him right there and everybody stared, but i didn't care.

you're breaking my heart a g a i n.
Friday, February 4, 2005
05:56 p.m.

oh drama sucked today. so few ppl were there, and i kept messing up, and no one was concentrating.

it wasn;t a day where stuff went wrong, but it was one of those days where NOTHING WENT RIGHT.

gah and why can't people have a STRAIGHT conversation with me without talking about shibao. we are not a fucking couple so can you all just get a life and gimme a break.
i miss you. and i hate you wei chien for RUINING THIS FOR ME YOU BASTARD. (yes i hope you read this really really hope)

every time you say my name
take my hand, thats ok
baby we can run away.
Thursday, February 3, 2005
06:05 p.m.

ahahaa. we were doin the edsboard today, but after matthew left we were mainly just trying out eunice's styrofoam cutter and messing about with the paints... it was fun. then they were practicing the cny dance in 1k AND I WANNA LEARN IT, ZHANG FANG its really cool as i have been saying since i first saw it. hahas and the board is still kinda bare.

and claire, your cuz is MUCH chio-er than you. and i bet she knows what kofi annan looks like! XD lol.

anyways ppl from twoKAE, we are gonna buy josiah for jannelles birthday. because i WANT RETRIBUTION. she went up to shibao and asked how much he cost so she could buy him for me >< i almost killed her but it was kinda cute lah. so YES. we shall start bidding now so we can get a better price (his collarbone is still broken so we can charge for damages) ahahahahahahahaaaaa

and wynne-san is BACK, whoot, and des-san is FOURTEEN, baby. haha i'm next... lol im twokae san1-jie... lol; tiff's da4-jie, des is er4-jie ok this is daft.

so anyway. TIFFANY YOU WILL STOP CUTTING YOU HEAR.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005
06:50 p.m.

im back to square one already, amn't i? this was so not worth it, YOU WEREN'T WORTH MY TIME.

Tuesday, February 1, 2005
09:44 p.m.

how am i supposed to be a good senior?
how am i supposed to look after you when i need to be looked after?
how can i tell you what to do when im doing all the wrong things?
what am i supposed to show you when i never did anything worth showing off?
how am i supposed to be there for you when im trying to be there for everyone?
is anyone here for me?
how am i supposed to be a good senior when i never learnt to be a good junior?
what am i supposed to do, i dont handle responsability well, and i can't handle you.

Monday, January 31, 2005
04:34 p.m.

please ignore my previous entry. this is just-- wrong. i was wrong. i dont want to hurt anyone, please dont make me, and nicole, if its you then im sorry.

Sunday, January 30, 2005
03:08 p.m.

I WANT TO BE EIGHTcm AWAY FROM YOUR PERFECT FACE AGAIN AND I WANT TO MAKE THIS REAL. I THINK MAYBE I WANT TO LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND I THINK THAT I THINK IM BEING STUPID WHEN I SAY I MISS YOU.

oh god what am i doing im only fourteen this is so immature.

Saturay, January 29, 2005
12:01 a.m.

drama today was alternately wonderful and terrible.
and then afterwards it just got worse/better.
and then our faces were like, THIS CLOSE.
(after drama i make mistakes too)

and damn, i think i wish something had happened. but nothing did.
and im not sure if thats fine by me or not. and maybe he means nothing to me, maybe we're nothing at all. maybe i'm right to think he doesnt trust me.

or maybe something SHOULD have happened after all.

rent your wife and kids today
YEAH MAYBE SHE WILL.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
09:34 p.m.

haiz. a million things have happened in the last few days.
ant gave me concussion while trying to and-1 me using the wall
david went to tioman
i got interviewed by the straits times about the DIG
i sprained my finger and now its turning purple
recieved an INTERESTING email from isla and CANT WAIT FOR HER TO CALL *hint hint*
went to tiffs last weekend for her bday (rocked)
got submitted for CAP and am PRAYING i'll get in
our guys team LOST AGAIN. poor things.
i got my peenk jersey (it says ANG MOH 96)
i listened to tori amos' caught a lite sneeze FIFTY TIMES IN ONE DAY. oh i proooooooooooooooooooooo.... *dies.*

Friday, January 21, 2005
09:54 p.m.

i'm fixing my layout now, its (predictably) Ophelia! and its taking alotta work. completely digital pics and stuff, if nth goes wrong.

anyways have decided david makes sense after all >.< thanks so much, mr 20year-old.
having serious conversation after serious conversation is hellish. it depresses you, it makes you think too hard, it makes you want a hand to hold. sometimes i think it would be nice to be in a relationship or something, and then i type this and look at it and go, shit what am i talking about. strikethrough everything.

syf is starting to pressure me because i'm terribly worried i'll end up replaced. i know it sounds stupid but im afraid i just wont make the cut and they'll find someone better. i afraid i'll let shibao down, surprisingly.
and then theres the infamous italian o-level which is hardly ordinary anyway. although i might not take it cos its expensive as hell. and if i take it and i screw up i'll be so disappointed and so will my mum and my dad and my teacher. i dont want to let them down, i can handle disappointment when i make mistakes, but i dont wont to hurt them. its not fair because theyre trying so hard.

tiff, darl, please cheer up. enjoy your bday, kaes. hope you liked the stuff we brought for ya yesterday. kisses, ele.

you're taking your time with apologies.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
04:52 p.m.

mm me and tiff totally rock ><. today in the lab we were expecting a reaction from heating salt, and we held it there so long the glass of the test tube MELTED. majorly. it was really funny. i didnt realise glass melted so easily.

am so pissed that the IvP thing is this thurs. means i a) cant homework with my hamlet as per normal and b)cant go for drama. GAH. wahh.
i'm really kinda worried that they'll replace me with that new girl since she's supposed to be so good.... im really worried.

and yes. i don;t love shibao, I LOVE TIFFANY!!!!!
whoot.

Saturday, January 15, 2005
12:48 p.m.

lets get crazy talk about our big plans
places that you're going
places that i haven't been
build my walls up
conrete castle
keep this kingdom
free of hassle

i hear sound
echo in the emptiness
all around
but you cant change this loneliness
look at what you found
i'm falling down.

taste the saline rolling down your my cheekbones.
tell me that you're alone.

maybe i do and maybe i... don't. but i think i'm starting to. somehow i hope not. i really hope not.
todays on-bus encounter with alli was just too suay. so lets hope it dont happen again. sleep's not coming easy for a wild child

Tuesday, January 11, 2005
03:23 p.m.

not having a good few days. am feeling overworked even if you think i amn't actually "overworked." i seem to lack the ability to be an entirely self-centered angsty teenager. i KNOW im not the worst off. im so worried i'll hurt someone by only worrying about myself. i really hope you all understand. i dont want to hurt anyone.

Monday, January 10, 2005
05:27 p.m.

I MISS YOU, and your table-tennis jokes,
and your un-basketballer sensibility.

sports cca selections were today. i feel unwanted and unloved. aiksiong was herding little groups of sec ones around and laughing at the bad dribbling of the girls. its hard to think that i was like that once... or maybe not.
i dont know why i stayed back today. i dont know why i watched the girls trying out for bball. i dont know why i said join basketball!, i dont know why i went to help clean the bball courts. it just was. i just did. i felt out of place i felt unneeded i felt extra and i felt hated. i wish i was still in basketball, or i wish i was one of them. i dont know.

i dont know why i went down to the tabletennis room. i just wanted to see those little sec ones and i wished i was one of them.

my mum said something really meaningful to me. she said you don't get second chances, that's life and she was completely right. thats why ive messed up, i've totally messed up. because i thought i could take it all back. i know now theres no undo button in real life but i still screw these things up.

I MISS YOU AND YOUR TABLE-TENNIS JOKES, AND I MISS BELIEVING YOU WOULD TAKE ME BACK.

Monday, January 10, 2005
12:28 a.m.

david, YOU'RE WALKING OUT ON ME AREN'T YOU.

oh im so stupid, i thought you'd be here indefinitely, i was so STUPID. because NO ONE EVER STAYS.
NO ONE

Saturday, January 8, 2005
09:53 p.m.

shout it out just one more time
who knew
we could be something after all
who knew
this would be something after all
who knew?

if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you.
Saturday, January 8, 2005
12:35 p.m.

yesterday i went to bugis with ting to take neo's. a really pointless but super fun expedidtion. then going back into the mrt these 16-17 yr guys were selling those tickets for charity. well SUPPOSEDLY. me and ting were walking next to each other then one of the guys bumped me so we got separated and the other one grabbed tings hand and started shaking it madly and asked her to donate. then when i got back over his fren called me an angmoh. even if we had had any money that would have put me off it entirely. they were such jerks. and HE TOUCHED MY FACE. fucking bastard. they werent doing charity they were just trying to FLIRT. ewwwww.

sick.

the rest of the day was cool. ting came over and we tried to do our science, relying totally on the net. it was fun, as far as work goes. then last night i went to mums frens place for party-ish thing. met jason(neil's cousin) again and apologised for losing his number last time ><. speaking of whichh..... LOL.

and ppl in dhs: NO MATTER what ANYBODY tells you, me and shibao are NOT NOT NOT a couple. ok??

Friday, January 7, 2005
01:22 a.m.

the thing i hate about you (or is it me?) is that everytime i seem to get a bit closer to you the next we meet i'm back a square one. i never get anywhere with you and it confuses me. i do care so much about you.

hamlet was a jerk too. maybe thats why he died.

Ophelia!
Thursday, January 6, 2005
09:58 p.m.

what does it mean to be a woman?
who would choose to be a woman?
to be ever the heel of male pride and vanity
or forever desolate beyond patriarchal shadows.
to be, or not to be... that is the question.

hamlet never actually got his girl did he, he died first and she went mad. i hope my hamlet doesnt die on me, i really would go mad.

Thursday, January 6, 2005
05:28 p.m.

ps, to the last entry, the aftermath of those lovely shoes is SORE SORE SORE FOOT. either that or... i dont know why but my left foot and calf ARE KILLING ME.

have also caught shibao's cough and have a sore throat from repeating my lines til the cows came home.

therefore if i understand love
Ophelia!
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
10:00 p.m.

the whole hamlet thing yesterday was kinda screwy, but i think i did ok. mrs koh says i was the best *SHINESHINE* but i think shibao was better. but then maybe he's just always like that so it was nth special.
bored ppl speculate rather wildly, so dont believe anything anyone tells about me and shibao being and OFFSTAGE couple as well as an onstage one.

had very scary dizzy spells. im afriad may get dizzy on stage during syf or sth else important. shibao was being very nice about me screwing up when it happened tho; so was cindy.

really hope i look as good as everyone said i did, four inch heels and black drapey dress+shirt had better be worth it.

i really really really hope we win, for nicole so i dont let her down, for aaron so i dont let HIM down, and for shibao, for being MY HAMLET ><.

Monday, January 3, 2005
09:14 p.m.

please fix your hair, you look far too shuai like that.

new year's
Monday, January 3, 2005
06:29 a.m.

this year i will not:
break a little promise i made to damien.
let nicole down on the Ophelia! thing.

this year i will:
try to officially let go of a broken relationship and know that i made a horrible mistake that i couldnt take back, and remember i did try to.
stop trying to look pretty.
do my best to win the syf drama
call sine and isla and nadine more often

most of all i will grow up, i will be mature and i will not be teenagerish.

i will not hurt people and i will not think i'm falling in love.

yeah that should do.

Sunday, January 2, 2005
01:07 a.m.

am i naive because i think its wrong to sleep around, wrong to do drugs? am i a bitchy little conservative because i believe that RULES ARENT REALLY MEANT TO BE BROKEN? am i a teenybopper because i prefer 'good' to 'bad'? twentyyears ago even if i thought they were wrong, people would say SLUTTY ANGMOH and her WESTERN VALUES. it happened to my mum: my grandmother thought ALL WESTERNERS WERE LIKE THAT.

oh isnt it weird, you respect someone so much, idolise them, think theyre perfect and sensible, then in the space of one blog post you feel so ...cheated.

you can say i'm dissing what i dont know anything about but FINE. i still think theyre WRONG.

and suicide? sharon dont get me started. imagine your best friend dying, not suicide, just dying. you think, god why didnt i do something, if i had they would still be alive. if they KILLED THEMSELVES then how would you feel? how would live with the fact that you HADNT DONE ENOUGH, you WERENT REASON ENOUGH TO KEEP LIVING, how INADEQUATE you would feel at being unable to keep someone you care about ALIVE. or maybe you wouldnt, after all its my live, i should be able to take it.

you think i dont know anything? you think YOURE the only one with opinions?

TEENAGERS ARE SO STUPID AND IRRATIONAL I HATE THE FACT THAT I AM ONE.

Saturday, January 1, 2005
08:37 p.m.

every day people are dying, in thousands, and so many people are just waiting and hoping or praying tha whoever's missing is alive. i suppose they must be near giving up but i dont think they want to let go. it must be dreadful to wonder if they're dead, or worse, if they're suffering. worse still must be not being able to help them.

i'm so worried that when i get back to school i'm going to find out someone is missing or dead, someone lost someone they love. i'm so worried that not caring enough is something i'll regret all my life. i'm worried about rosina's daughter because she's still missing, i'm worried about her other daughter because she let go of her niece and she's feeling totally, horribly devastated. i dont know them well, but i'm still worried. it doesn't matter if you don't know anyone at all. but someone will know them, someone will be their child or parent or husband or sister or friend. or someone will know one of their children or parents or husbands.

if i could turn back time i would do anything i could to prevent this. i know, me in my branded miniskirt with my laptop, wants to change the world. i know its not my fault, its nobody's fault. i just wish that there was something i could do. people are dying and i feel so HELPLESS.
and i'm so want to do something for the people i know that are worried about something, or depressed about fitting in, or in malaysia for reasons beyond me and missing christmas/birthdays/newyears, scared about people in hospital, people worried about diseases spreading. i know its child-like but i want to fix this world we live in. i want to make everything better and it kills me to know i can't.

david: you sound dreadful. if there's anything i can do to make you feel better AT ALL please tell me because i will do anything i can to.
sine: dear i commented. i want trying to make a point. but please note that if you even think of hurting yourself mentally or physically, i WILL come after you and saw you brain out and replace it. do you hear?

Friday, December 31, 2004
06:25 p.m.

120 000

Wednesday, December 29, 2004
03:58 p.m.

63000.

68 000

Tuesday, December 29, 2004
11:07 p.m.

55 000.

Tuesday, December 29, 2004
07:39 p.m.

28 000.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004
02:23 a.m.

23000 people are fucking dead.
23000 people means 23000 families and about half a million good friends are grieving. i think the world should grieve with them.

and its how long and how far and how many times
before its too late.

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this and dont leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're trying were hoping but we're not sure how.

Monday, December 26, 2004
02:21 a.m.

ah i watched pay it forward again last night cos i missed it on tv. cried my eyes out as usual. i think its the one movie that just explains everything about why i want to act. i dont mean to boast, but i'm good. and it may be one of the veryvery limited things that i am good at. i do want to take this seriously but i dont know how.

why? because i'm a thirteenyearold girl in fucking singapore which has no acting industry worth taking note of. if i lived in the uk i could get roles, im sure. there there ARE scouts and people who go to schools to do castings. here you have to look and i dont know HOW WHERE WHEN i just dont know. and of course whos gonna take me seriously: how many girls my age, my kinda person, havent at some point in their lives wanted to be an actress. i want to act because i know i can. but damn it all.

of course it doesnt help that no one seriously belives i'm capable of it, or dedicated. they think its just some teenager thing. of course yes.

am being an angsty teenager for abit. i need to let out the hot air.

THIS IS CALLED GIVING UP.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
11:24 p.m.

went sailing yesterday with jan, tim and ynez and hell it was glorious. am abit sunburnt but i am HAPPY. tml am going to wei xin's for xmas thingy. will have fun.

good night. am going to watch inuyasha. am in love with the whitehaired half-demon.

isnt it absurd
when i know the truth is that i ALWAYS think of you.
(somedaysomeway)

maybe its time to come home.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
08:19 p.m.

i think i've already lost you.

i think youre already gone.

i think i'm finally scared now

you think i'm weak
i think you're wrong.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004
09:29 p.m.

when's the appropriate time to give up? now? tomorrow? or next week or next month or next year?

or never?

please.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
02:55 p.m.

why didnt he reply.
what didn't i say
its all my fault, i know.
I should never have put him through all this
I miss you I miss you so bad
Why do I do these things to myself
In some weird un-bgr sense of the word I love you.
there i said it: i love you. i admit it.
Oh god I'm so sorry.

Thursday, December 9, 2004
07:05 p.m.

he didnt reply
he didnt reply
he didnt reply

oh no he didnt reply

i think i shall go to bed and die quietly.

i will NOT check my email.
9th december 2004
06:30 pm

(i wrote a really lond entry but i lost it so gah i will rewrite but it wont be as detailed, sorry.)

yesterday was fun, even tho we lost the frenly against bedok north. went to pizzahut with the girls and had so much fun. and they had so MUCH cheese. literally.

i went to samuel and kevin today to see desmond and it was so funny cos i felt malu so said nth then he smsed me saying HE said nth cos he wasnt sure how to pronouce my name... so cute right. and he had been asking his colleagues but they all said different things.

then when i went back later with my dad to look at jeans we sort of grinned at each other then after a while the girl who was helping me said you're desmonds friend, right? and later, how do you pronounce your name? which made me laugh. ive been in ther TWICE and they all know my name.

desmond: how come you never told me you were suuuuuuuuuch a shuai-ge???

Monday, December 6, 2004
08:18 p.m.

i miss you. i miss you so. damn. much. i never hated you, no matter what she showed you, no matter what i said. i miss you and i just wish that maybe you were so, so perfect that you could take me back. i got myself into this mess and i dont know how to get out of it without you. please, i'm so sorry. im so tired of lying about how i dont care about you ITS NOT TRUE it think about you so often and dont want this to go on. i miss you i need you and dont want to live without you anymore.

with or without you.
Thursday, December 2, 2004
04:13 p.m.