U Left Me Hanging ...

~ emo memo ~

hee. i admit i hv been emoti0nal these past few days. d singing softballer noticed it too. lurve u lah girl. n i really hate this feeling of being emo. of coz i cant bear to show it in front of the kids. only those closed ones managed to see me thru. ;p

err i knw it is still such a long way to go. bt i juz couldnt resist browsing thru websites n clicking on the Career link. browsed thru the ITE website juz now n saw tt they were in need of lecturers. hmm so tempting. it is my ambition n dream to become a lecturer. perhaps i would like to lecture at the ITE or polytechnic level. i'll hv to complete my degree first though. den maybe i can juz apply to b a lecturer at the ITE. or perhaps get a masters aft dat n lecture at the polytechnics. woah..like so over ambitious larh. argh watever it is i gotta complete my degree first. so mom, bro, family, gfs, bfs and kids cheer me on pls! hehs.

i left this out. Someone who i can be manja with.

khit theung khoon mak @ 9.43pm on 28.08.07

~ that someone ~

Forgiven. i juz dun feel good to know that thee is having the worst feeling (and that is IF he is really remorseful or even sincere that he didnt mean to do it) and i continue with hatred. just not me. maybe my friends will say that it was a dumb thing to do, but haiz, this is just it i guess.period. itz just my luck i guess to go thru' a painful phase.
------------------------------------------------------------

Someone who hears me.
Someone who can share my joy & laughter.
Someone who shares my sorrows & hardships.
Someone whose shoulders I can lay on.
Someone whose hands I can hold tightly.
Someone who can ease my pain.
Someone who I can smile to.
Someone who I can instantly pick up the phone, dial his number and yack to him about everything or anything at that very moment!
But where is that SOMEONE? Is he near? Is he even here? Perhaps that someone doesn't even exist. GOD answer me please.

ok. my lappie lcd is goin bonkers. it would just flicker and then go blank. i m lucky enough to manage to blog this long without it giving me any probs. i soooo need to send it for servicing or get a new lappie. so which one is it?

hectic. hectic. i m fallin sick. my cheek is swollen. mom said: "don't push urself too hard". am i? maybe it is just circumstances. i hv to in order to keep myself going. i dun wanna crumble. i m starting to do ok. i hv to continue all these. bt i need a day to just lie down. just lie down. tired. so tired. physically tired. mentally tired.

i shall not hide. i shall not lie.

khit theung khoon mak @ 9.55pm on 27.08.07

~ no life? ~

no life? lifeless? hahs. this is what my friends have been tellin me.

all i do is go work, school, study n assignments. come to think of it, itz quite true what they say. bt hey i got no choice yah. i juz dun hv all the time in the world u knw. rarely that my friends get to see me chillin', shop or even PARTAYYY!!! like i used to. i dun even have the time to go for my dance classes or even shows anymore. zack was saying if he were to follow my footsteps he would go into cold turkey. sheesh! even my mom is complaining now! wat to do people, i've gt things that i wanna achieve. hmm so i hope u guys really understand. plssssh...anyway it really keeps my mind occupied. be more focus. dun really wanna think abt some things.

n today's lesson was really information overloaded. had grp discussions, then class, then grp discussions again. waaaah!! so mentally drained. bt i tink itz worth the sacrifice. my gfs r asking me out to party tonyte but i feel so lazy, the weather's good n i sooo dun feel like going out. juz wanna sit at home n watch tv. i m tv deprived. hee.

n this imeem is really gettin on my nerves. i uploaded the whole song but sometimes it would juz go haywire n play a short clip. urgh!

hmm contemplating on body art. shld i? no? yes?

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

picking up the pieces @ 9.01pm on 25.08.07

~ 19 or married? ~

i knw this is the umpteen times dat i said my students are adorable..hee...bt seriously they are! y? coz they say the funniest things. some thought i am 19 years old..especially the lower sec kids...i shall juz take dat as a compliment. bt sometimes it juz irritates me..nt the kids i mean. when i go out for excursions w the kids, the organisers or facis will always tink that i m one of them..there was even an instance when i went for the sec 3 camp n i gt scolded for no reason by the instructor juz because he thought i was a student and that i was wearing my flip flops. i juz gave him a blank stare...n when he realised it he was so so apologetic. haha pity him though...bt itz funny lah.

as for my upper sec kids..they juz love calling me "MDM SALINA"..n when i ask them "y r u calling me madam?"..they simply juz said "coz u r married? n u hv 1 son ryte?". Wow! i didnt knw that i am married or hv a kid, a son for that matter...where do these people get all these funny funny ideas? n they continued calling me madam salina even aft i enlightened them! sheeshness! n now the singing softballer, her sis n the accomplices calls me by my nick! very cheeky indeed.

anyway did my accounts test juz now..n erm ARGHHHHH! i tink i flung..careless mistakes!!! ok ok i dun wanna think abt it anymore. juz hv to get on w it. next would b my law test. n i hv to memorise cases. god! i seriously need to expand my RAM! ok so much for school.

met Kanoke juz now..he was from camp so decided to head home together. this indecisive guy doesnt knw wat he wants. he has an interview tomoro for a regular post. n he simply cant decide whether he wants to be a traffic police or an airport police or in the star team. if he chooses the star team then he might nt be able to continue his passion n play for Home United. ok Kanoke, watever it is i'll still support u. okies. ;)

d captain said "don't play w fire". knowing him, watever he says, it always have a meaning behind it. n he lurves leaving ppl to decipher it. so captain i shall leave it at that for the moment. i'll bug you later. ok now i need to do some work before i go to LaLa Land. wait! i cant upload pics at the moment coz my mom misplaced my bluetooth dongle so u'll juz hv to bear w my lengthy entry. hope u dun get information overloaded yeah!

and yes! before i forget. the txt really came to me as a surprise! Thank You Miss Y! really appreciate it. =)

pls stop these tears @ 11.53pm on 23.08.07

~ essenziale's tearing ~

i am speechless. i am torn.

i dun knw wat to say. i juz couldnt take it anymore. i juz teared n teared not aware of the environment i was in. and sidekick juz happen to b on the phone with me when i read the comments. i was tryin very hard to control them from flowing. bt sidekick said "u may cry if u want to". and dat was the first time she heard me cry.

i dun knw wat to tink anymore. my mind is juz a total blank. u appreciate my love n wat i've done for u? is dat all juz talk? dat is so hard to believe. u changed ur mind in such a short span of time. u took my heart, broke it n juz left me to pick up the pieces by myself! i juz realise i dun mean anything to u! NOTHING at all!

u talk abt friendship. how to when i'll be cut further when i knw dat u r back w ur past?! how to when anything dat has gotta do w u makes me tear?! how to when i tear everytime when i tink of u?! tell me!
itz so funny isnt it how guys can juz change the status with a snap of the fingers. my heart is not like a switch which can be turned off/on or even change modes.

GOD juz tell me y is this all happening? wat hv i done wrong? or perhaps i wasnt gd enough for u? juz maybe.

i need a break. really really need one. brother is moving to australia permanently. mom is following. so mayb i shld juz follow suit when the time comes...

and Sidekick...THANK YOU so much for the lovely daisies!

pls stop these tears @ 10.27pm on 21.08.07

~ essenziale's enervated ~

numbness. staring into space. no life in me.

this is essenziale for the past few days n even until now. smile? laughter? all those i suppose r juz a cover. bt try n reach me deep down. crumbled. lost. shutting off.

euse said, it is not wrong to become numb. it is not wrong to not believe in love anymore. bt would dat do the heart justice? it is juz too bad dat when i open up, someone juz took it for granted and didnt appreciate it at all. dat was wat he said.

i dun knw euse. i dun wanna look back anymore. it is juz painful. too painful. excruciating pain. this one really left a very deep impact on me. i dun knw wat to believe anymore.

but apart from all these grievance. i do thank god for my family, gfs and also students.

Student A was trying to persuade Student B to honestly tell me what the problem was. Here goes (bt pardon the language):
Student A : "Go on n tell Ms Salina your problem. She ok one. Very gentle and kind. Except for sometimes when she's angry"
Another student said: "Cher, u get angry? i dun believe lah! Ur type where got get angry one? always smile only. neva c u angry before."

nice one kids, true dat i dun get angry easily bt dat doesnt mean u need not listen to what i say. haizz sometimes kids being kids, they r juz adorable. and them being sec sch kids mind u. upon hearing their "dialogue", well i smiled of course!

anyway went to watch the 3rd ASEAN volleyball game juz now at Toa Payoh Stadium. it was Thailand against Korea. n i supported Kanoke's country of course. it was so much like the Iron Ladies. n they won!! wooHoo..it was a very good game. kept my mind off things for a while.

today being the 20th was suppose to b a significant day. it was suppose to mean something for me. bt i guess as much that it doesnt even mean anything to u let alone can't even be bothered w it.

pls stop these tears @ 11.37pm on 20.08.07

~ love hatred ~

so much for assurance. so much for sayang. so much for love.

so itz all juz talk, empty promises. purely fakeness, lies!

it was all a mistake?! so now u r confused?! so it gives you the right just to drop everything n let everything go right?! itz so easy for u. so simple for you. so fair for me right?

u r saying sorry?? sorry for what?? u did it anyway. happy?

thank u for doing this to me. thank you for playing w my feelings!

how i wish, the aftermath of twelve years didnt happen. y did we have to meet? non-existent to me now.

I hate you.

lonely tears @ 1.10am on 18.08.07

~ hanging ~

this is not me. what is going on? what's wrong?

tell me the truth. tell me what exactly you want. Even if it's gonna be a slap on my face.
is it just me? over-reacting? over-sensitive? what is the meaning of all these?

don't tell me it's nothing if there is something! i'll understand if it's your problem and that you can't share. but it's the treatment!

i don't understand. this is just not fair to me. walk in my shoes!! i'm hanging... hanging by a thin thread.

definition of communication? Simple. talking things out Rationally like an adult.
i want to work things out. but now, things are just not going right. ALL of it.
when i used to be so devoted to work..and i mean SOLELY work, friends told me to loosen up, relax and give others a chance. and when i do, this is what i get?!

it is decided. back to being numb and solely devoted to work. solely work. this is it then.

Take Care. GoodBye.

lonely tears @ 11.25pm on 16.08.07

~ mind space ~

can't share? don't wanna share? ok. i'll juz zipped up.

sorry for? u could hv juz told me. dats wat u wanted. m nt speculating.
if there's abnormalities, ppl would naturally wonder.
sory if m nt needed now. i'll back down. peace. space. OK. U got it.

the singing softballer said "there we go. knew it la eu had problems. well don't think about it la. hope eu will solve it soon! must be happy always!" ...clever girl :)

shld i or shld i not think about it. i simply listen to oldies malay songs when i dun feel quite ryte. dats all. but now listen to this song. ok i gotta sleep early.

tell me you love me @ 12.00am on 16.08.07

~ wat izit? ~

what is it that makes me
laugh?
smile?
happy?
angry?
sad?
cry?
i juz dun knw anymore. i dun knw who i am. i dun knw myself. bitter August. empty. so so numb. i juz wanna let d tears flow freely. cry n cry. :-( i am so sorry. (sob..sob)

tell me you love me @ 10.19pm on 14.08.07

~ h0t mamaS ~

weee...d lil one finally has "popped out"...yes!! lil Norin Dianni was born on the 11th Aug'07 at KKH. chooo cute...choo ad0rable. now she has a lot of (h0t..:p) mamas..mama y@nie, mama n@na, mama aish@h, mama r@i, mama Lin and of coz the original mama..Mama MeL!! hee cant wait to splurge on n pamper the lil one! and as for U who are making up stories and being pathetic so dat u can run away from ur responsibilities..stop bullshitting n telling lies! u juz gt no guts ryte!! u can F off for all i care w ur new girl. i m fine w u not wanting to take up the responsibility on wat u did, bt when u made up stories abt my friends, dat was it! i seriously didnt expect a guy whom i tot to b so righteous would ever do dat! urgh talk abt being educated!i soo00oo believe in karma

ok!! i have completed my assignment! Like Finally! phheew. it was quite a mad rush. bt as usual, tried to stay co0l n not panic. how irony. i was so NOT motivated at all to write the essay n guess wat the topic was abt? MOTIVATION..urgh. bt pulled it thru the end. n i wanna "thank" somebody for keeping me company by sleeping..khehe. :p. thank you very the big. hehe. 1 assignment down, 1 more to go!

n wait!! u guys shld watch RUSH HOUR 3. damn awes0me n hilari0us!! trust me. went w aish@h n bie to watch it @ Vivo. aishah told me to wake her up if she slept, bt dat girl was laughing non-stop from d start till d end. i sooo wanna watch it again. so dates anyone? hee..kiddin..kiddin..ok :p. the cinema was huge! n they had a Gold Class theatre. ok i wanna go try dat out one day. tix @ 25 bucks!!

u asked me juz now y i was quiet out of a sudden. itz juz dat i had these thoughts running thru my mind. r u gonna drop everything n walk away? r u gonna leave me juz like dat? and i've grown so em0tionally attached now. haiz

tell me you love me @ 12.26am on 14.08.07

~ our first? ~

ok this is s0 random bt i had to write abt this.

ok i am all excited coz my gf will be warded..she's gonna b in LABOUR soon!!!! n i m gonna be a MAMA sooon!!! argh!! cant wait cant wait!! apart from the excitement, my assignment is really giving me a headache now. i can barely find the time to complete it and it is due on MONDAY! sheesh. i tink this long weekend is changed to assignment weekend. i'll b stuck at the library for perhaps 2 days straight?? n 9th aug being a PH, i was at home ok!! datz my first tyme slacking at home. n nope i didnt touch on my assignment. my brain cells needed a break i guess. my friends were all going like.. "hah??! wat?! u r at home?" .. "wat r u doing at home?!" .. my UNCLE said "how come u r at home?!" sheEsh peOple..y cant i b at home?? really surprises u guys eih? heeeee

i was juz keeping quiet n listening to u ytd. bt u gt frustrated. i was juz listening...listening to ur answers. itz nt abt how long u took to ans, bt wat ur answers were.n i m sorry if i gt u irritated or agitated even, n u said u r juz tired of answering these qns. n d fact that u gave me those ans juz doesnt assure me. so i knw now dat u wont turn back juz bcoz of her character n what she did, nt bcoz of 'her' whom you hv now?, whom u surely n definitely want to b with now?, whom u love? now i knw. i juz wonder wat if u were still in ur past n 'she' came by chance, wat wld happen? i so0o0o w0nder.

tell me you love me @ 12.19am on 10.08.07

~ Get A Life ~

i juz dun understand some pe0ple..grow up!! u juz dun get it do u. ok nevermind that u dun get it bt ur freaking friends juz couldnt resist in not becoming a busybody n trying to b a superheroin izit? wat d hell? i am tellin u now, wat ur friend dat was so immature, talk about same age! urgh! be RATIONALE people. think w ur head! NOT w ur mouth. seriously tell ur friends if they wanna be a superheroin so much at least have the dignity or decency to talk it out like an ADULT. i repeat like an ADULT. ok enuf abt these people. they hv so little significance in fact NONE at all in my life. n wat u or ur friend did really didnt affect me at ALL. so dun w0rry ok, Mr. Big Boys Don't Cry..u knw dat i'll supp0rt u! ;)

n talk abt immature pe0ple. this ..hmm wat shall i call her..ok nevermind i'll tink of a name for her later. letz juz call her Ms.Super Immature. u called my gf a bf snatcher. u called my gf a meenah. u called my gf ugly. juz stop to tink. perhaps my darling gf is soooo much better than u datz y he chose her or perhaps compared to her u r NOTHING at all. n i m sure in the era dat we r in ryte now, the way u dress doesnt really tell how dat person is ryte. n reality check she wasnt even wearing like one. itz all abt brains girl. sad to say tt i think u dun even hv one dats y u r spouting all these nonsense. n hv u ever look urself in the mirror?? i assume NOT ryte dats y u r calling people names. or izit becoz u feel so inferior dat u juz hv to say all these nasty things juz to make urself feel better? how sad? face the facts, u juz cant get over him ryte, if nt y would u even bother?? now i shall call u Ms.Self Denial Freak. ok Ms.Self Denial Freak if u wanna challenge people dun challenge it w physical appearance..how low can u get? challenge people intellectually. ok period.

wow. such a long entry w/out pics. n my blog is halfway thru i am juz too lazy to enhance. shall do it some other tyme. the meet-up w the primary sch mates aft 12 years was really a come back. shall do it more often i reckon. juz dat perhaps i need time to recall some people. warming up now.

tell me you love me @ 1.17am on 06.08.07

~ the-rapist ~

leg therapy. hand therapy. mind therapy. aroma therapy. name all of it. i dun need all dat. ALL i NEED is RETAIL THERAPY which is equals to SH0000PPING!!! yeah u're damn rite i went shopping the other day with a gf. it was splendid!! we ate, shop n shop n shop. den coffee. i bought a new bag n TWO pair of shoes. hee it was juz so tempting!! we r sO00oo gonna do this every mth ryte girl?? woh000 felt so rejuvenated n relaxed n above all HAPPY! it really took my mind off work n erm sch for a while. speaking of which some people at work r juz plain dumbass n idiots n watever nots. they r too BUSY that they hv all the time in the world poking in their nosey noses into other people's bizness. i am just gonna ignore coz u r so at my damn feet now. so u knw how small u r in my eyes. ok enuf abt this worthless creatures.

life has been really hectic. i couldnt even breathe at a certain point of time. juz too taxing. work, i really didnt get a chance to sit at my desk. sch, urgh my assignment is due next week!! bt in all, i still enjoy it though. itz all about motivation. the netball girls r doing a great job, they really motivate me to keep this going. at first i tot my proposal to maintain the netball team would be a failure bt walah itz getting positive responses. i so adore the girls n every training session w them is one hell of a good time...n did i mention dat they r very very chweeet. they r forking out $?? out of their pocket money juz to chip into the netball fund. i sooo love the students. they make me stay. they make me be in a dilemma. i need to choose; to go or to stay. urgh.

anyway i wanted to change my blogskin bt apparently there's something wrong w the codes n i am soo lazy to debug. so next tyme then! ok i knw this is random. i sooo NEED a hp, pay attention i said NEED. so Mr. Big Boys Don't Cry, N76 or N95 pls? thank u. (",)

tell me you love me @ 1.34am on 05.08.07