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Past Entries
=Data THIS=
By Adorations
Food: Chipotle Burritos, Joy Yees strawberry boba tea, peach & blueberry kasugais, non-cafeteria ANYTHING
Visual: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Boondock Saints, Naruto, Dark Angel, O.C., Simpsons, Family Guy...Prince of Tennis =)
Audio: Linkin Park, Sum41, Enigma, E Nomine; Jpop, Kpop & everything in between
Activities: Math, math, & math...jk--DDR, feeding, sleeping, doodling, plotting to get out of prison the house.
Games: FF1-10, Zelda OoT&MM&WW, SSMB, Max Payne 1&2, DDR. Can you spell n-e-r-d-u-l-o-u-s?
By Numbers
Height: ~174 cm
IQ: 100+
EQ: 0
Weight: 80kg+
DOB: 25-12-83
Insanity: 87%
Paranoia: 114%
Edibleness: 100%
Cell Phones: 0
Bandwidth: 56 Kbps
Mistakes: 536,112,000 and counting
By Person
Taken Name: Topher
Alias: Gopher
SN: erazorlord93
gmail: erazorlord
pitas: erazorlord
xanga: erazorlord
Other Site: Geocities
Cool People:
[me]
[kate]
jenn
vicki
kaidi
robin
catty
joyce
joyoy
grace
[josh]
jessie
james
esther
[Cindy]
tiffany
andrea
cynthia
deanna
joammi
[xAnGa]
jenny jen
jon baker
jonny boy
[Livejournal]
Note: brackets [] denote extra coolness
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Friday, September 30, 2005[Untitled]Inverted hands folded upon my forehead, knuckles down, my sight wanders off towards blue grey ceiling, color of unlit dusk. Three paces to my right, father's computer fan artificially mixes in ambience, chewing up dust and air and silence, rejected particles and mechanical noises flung out the metal vent. The voices aren't real, friends tell me. He talks to me, but I don't respond. You can't have a conversation with yourself. It's not......healthy.
Downstairs, the parental units strike up their own conversation, a cheery discussion about the resident adolescent's college applications, blissful dialogue held at eighty-five decibels, often directed at yours truly, without characteristic talking-about-thou subtlety. Threshold of pain is one-hundred and forty decibels, He whispers into my mind.
I ask him how the fuck he knows that.
He smiles; I only know because my cheeks shift upwards ever so slightly, but I feel no amusement. No response. What the hell.
I'm lying on worn carpet, upstairs hallway. Lights off, because I--He?--don't want them on. And then, more thoughts. Topher, Chris--sure, same person. Maybe; possibly. Oh--do you know?--could be; might not. But doesn't matter--doesn't matter. Does. Not. Matter.
It, I think, isn't about healthy. It, of course, being the everpresent topic in angst-ridden teens worldwide-- life. It isn't about tacking on cliche'd descriptors like beauty or futility or meaninglessness; it isn't about making overtly wise metaphors about life resembling five-letter expletives or inanimate objects. Life is an abstract noun for a reason--don't treat it as more than that. It can be as beautiful or as fulfilling or as depressing or as exuberant as you want it to be. But it isn't just about; it's not just happy and sad and time and death all blended together in an omnipotent philosophy-blender--life's just life.
And you know what? I'm me. We're me. Me.
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Now, time to learn that a "self" does not exist......XD
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 08:21 p.m.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005After Cynthia, All Else is Easy...
DORK ALERT. Wow, I got really bored. And this is what happens when an essay due in two days doesn't want to be written, and I feel rather bored. Did I mention how bored I was? With notepad open, of course:
For chaucer's essay, I am very screwed,
I fear that pointless thoughts might thus be spewed.
Instead of learning Sparknote's useful facts,
I'm grading science papers--namely Mack's.
And now my brain can only think of food,
My tummy's noises fail to help my mood.
El Centro's--Thursdays--SPECIAL LUNCHEON DEAL,
Tomorrow I shall go and eat that meal.
Ah fuck I'm craving beef and cheese and beans,
Though Taco Bell is cheap, it's quite unclean.
I'm writing Pitas posts with clever rhymes
And now I'm only further wasting time
Would someone stop my writing iambs, please
I'd ruther fall asleep and catch some Z's
Shoot. I'm serious about the food craving part!!! DAMMIT WHERE ARE THE TAQUITOS WHEN YOU NEED THEM? I blame that girl for getting me addicted to mass-produced mexican food-substitute.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 09:35 p.m.
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Monday, September 26, 2005Amidst Anxious Authoring
It's that time of year, folks.
Summarize, in 50 words or less, the meaning of life.
Tell us about your family--their dreams, their goals, their aspirations; their lives and their deaths. Their shoe sizes. What they eat and drink; how they breathe and sleep. 250 word limit.
"Submit a picture representing world peace."
------------------------
Anyways, got a 95% on my first Heup APLC paper. A rather nice contrast to the stark defining letters of AIC era, when B-/C+-esque scores affixed themselves to my papers. Instead of Heup writing, "this is how to salvage your paper," he wrote, "best introduction EVAR." He didn't really use "evar," but that's what he meant, because he was talking about my S&M attention getter XD Heup: ::walking down the isle:: Pardon me, I'm having hot flashes
........ohhhhhhhhhh boy.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 09:21 p.m.
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Sunday, September 25, 2005Three Months to Liberation
Hmm. It's 7 o'clock, and the only homework I have left is reading more of Their Eyes Were Watching God. WTF? Anyways, I LOVE MY NUNA!!!!!!! She's just oh-too-cool, but sadly far away in California. !!Other topherland news--another one of my favorite people (she's going to kill me for typing that) has offered to do a layout for me, in exchange for *favors.* And yes, I...uh...um....GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.
Hmm. I might need to change the name of this blog, then.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 07:15 p.m.
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Saturday, September 24, 2005Not About Numbers
As of today, I have had my Driver's License for a full year.
.....Too bad I haven't driven since August '04. XD
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It's not, I scream inside. Not about how high my scores are. My grades. Not about percentages in classes, not about GPA or class rank, not about ACTs or SATs or AP scores. Life isn't about points, test scores, numbers on a spreadsheet.
It doesn't matter, I tell them; it's not about how many hours I've wasted on the phone, talking to her. Not about time wasted on any her, on friends, on me.
Hours spent abroad, hours trapped inside; it's time I've spent, UNwasted. Wasting time isn't just not writing my essays--but instead they hear only incessant whines, words from a creature they've christened as their own, a critter whom they, through their self-imposed wisdom, know lacks sufficient intelligence to survive correctly. To live, as they put it, the right way. Because he's not an individual yet. Not smart enough. Not wise enough. Not mature enough.
You can't attach a counter to life, I tell them. There's more to life than crunching numbers in engineering, twiddling on computers for most of your natural life. Don't ask me how much time I've wasted--ask yourself. But that's disrespectful, so it doesn't fall through. It doesn't get heard.
Now, I've stopped the counting--focus too much on how many and how fast, and you won't remember anything else of it; firsts, heartbreaks, lessons of life, memories that remain for reasons beyond sentiment. Because numbers...just aren't all that.
(I am more than just a number)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 12:38 p.m.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005Adventures at Wendy's
Googled "Xiaoism" today. You'd be surprised at what you find XD
.....Shit. Analism at the homefront has increased; can only access pitas at school. Topher grows increasingly blue with suppressed rage, because blue is cooler than green.
Side note: I LOVE MY NUNA. [/sidenote] (She promised me bedtime stories and goodnight kisses and tucking-ins if I go to pomona!!!) .......Anyways, today at Wendy's I heard one rowdy-looking guy, shirtless in the grass (because, as you all know, suburban life demands shirtlessness) exclaim, "This is SO much better than jail food." Jail food? w0rd.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 02:23 p.m.
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Sunday, September 18, 2005Ceiling Fans and College Apps
He naps on the couch, mind gone and thoughts disconnected. He claims he doesn't dream, that he recalls nothing from his sleep. And that he's not really unemployed, but that's another story. She's locked herself in her room, screaming and crying to a friend on the phone.
But all of it--it doesn't matter. ------ I stay numb, feeling nothing, tasting greasy leftover table scraps from a second-rate diner that asian parents love to frequent. The grease is overwhelming, and I struggle to suppress retching. All of this--it doesn't matter, really, what it adds up to; the ceiling fan above still functions with ambient noise, my knuckle wound's still infected. I still struggle to find meaning within the angst, meaning that doesn't need to be found. And life goes on.
(Fuck you)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 03:01 p.m.
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Saturday, September 17, 2005Unusual Friends + Poetry HW = ...?
English lit is an amusing class. This is the kind of thing I end up spewing out (apologies on incorrect hair length, cynthia...):
A girl who wears boys' clothes I’d oft hear speak;
she’d hear my words and mutter out, “you freak!”
Beneath her speech, her snarky outer shell,
A girl prepared to burst, release all hell.
What hides beneath, but wicked, darkened heart?
In truth, be loyal, caring, sweet and tart.
Her pretty eyes (pure black!) display death’s glare--
As twelve-inch bangs hang down from silky hair
Most folks knew only (barely) Cynthia’s name;
And that she loved to play the badminton game
But candies, gummies—from Japan, she loved
And baby cacti—“Ochibi,” she had dubbed.
Just five foot five, her stature was not great
Her figure failed to mirror what she ate
She took in big macs, ice cream, all en masse
But through her system junk food seemed to pass--
As sugar, oil, never made her fat.
Had countless quirks--she'd purr just like a cat,
While most believed in love, this girl did not
“Just chemicals turning people’s brains to rot.”
She wished, in time, to cut up human brains
Apart from scalpel talent, which was plain,
Premed, down south: enrolled--she loved to learn
(But less than how she loved to watch things burn)
Her heart, to most, seemed full of smut and grime
But they know not; her friendship’s just sublime
Hmm. Now only if college essays were this easy....... (Note: bold denotes edit, courtesy of Ms. Sun's info.)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 04:40 p.m.
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Friday, September 16, 2005Vacation to FAIRYLAND
Interesting Convo with Hui (rhymes with soy):
erAzOrLord93: isn't ff7 advent children hot
huisaysahoy: uhh i'm in the middle of watching it
huisaysahoy: don't interrupt
erAzOrLord93: CLOUD DIES
huisaysahoy: you suck
erAzOrLord93: :-D
huisaysahoy: not funny
huisaysahoy: i'm never gonna finish this
huisaysahoy: thanks for ruining the ending
huisaysahoy: you suck
huisaysahoy: i'nm not talking to you anymore
erAzOrLord93: HE MAKES TIFA PREGNANT
erAzOrLord93: so they can CLONE a NEW CLOUD
erAzOrLord93: to DEFEAT SEPHIROTH
huisaysahoy: i have to go out now i'll never finish
erAzOrLord93: you're........SOCIALIZING?
huisaysahoy: i might go drink tommorow
erAzOrLord93: hui drunk?
huisaysahoy: whatever
Hui + vodka? That kind of speaks for yourself, ms "I-only-have-a-98%-in-AP-bio." Next thing you know, cynthia'll be smoking crack while memorizing neural diagrams. Crack is fun! Speaking of whom, I need you readers out there to give me as many (two-syllable, if possible) adjectives about her (cynthia!) as possible. Ha, I almost typed ass. Freudian slip? AHHHHHH NOOOO t_t
And hui..you know we still find you funny. Just remember self restraint XD (ps premed is stressful, but plz don't get hooked on crack.......)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 09:37 p.m.
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Thursday, September 15, 2005Simple Pleasures
Rain patters discreetly, and you wonder about little things. Chocolate milk, pillows, ice cream. What to eat for lunch; who to sit with, what to say. Clean socks and math homework. What to wear. The O.C. The meaning of life?
No, not the meaning of life. You think of chicken soup and weather reports, pocket money and romantic problems. Because you want to. And because you won't do otherwise. We all have those little problems, the neon post-it notes affixed inside our skulls, problems that don't readily go away. The kind that you can't just vacuum up or use a calculator on. But the shade of vivid green or flashy yellow is irrelevant; we always look away. Because we want to just live. Because we don't like to worry. ------------ I need to learn how to enjoy my ice cream.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 10:08 p.m.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005Another BDAY [that should be] Celebrated
Joyjoy!
HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY!!!
(And now...a short section that should only make sense to her and me XD) JOYJOY, refusing sleeveless; black last day
bathes every day--most days.
Shanghainese is nasal, I know, but you wrote
about that one "hott ukraine guy," unheard of
because the rule: "nolessthan15feetfromALBERTni"
applies
"Orange" graduation, vitamin C
mean cats biting wrists.
Testing out knives, and hating kumon but loving it,
hinting for christine.
Summers that didn't happen,
promises that hopefully will.
Growing up, notjust12anymore
joy, promise in 7th grade, effective June06
You get a hug, HAPPYHAPPY?
[/nostalgia]
I must go play the piano now. I'd write that sentence in latin if I could...but I can't.
(Happy sweet 16th!!!)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 04:53 p.m.
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Sunday, September 11, 2005Remixing Life
Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc,
Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea.
Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso,
Lounging in front of the computer, I hear sounds of some Dragostea Din Tei remix resound across the span of my living room; the ceiling fan's distant whirring sounds add an ambient touch. I think, this is music.
I'm reading some packet. Or, rather, I'm seeing the letters form words and the words form ideas and the ideas form knowledge, except none of the thoughts adhere coherently and the text passes my dazed eyes and reflects
off my forehead; it's as if my consciousness enabled an automated self-defense system to conserve neurons. I think, this is biology.
The song changes; ceiling fan rattles on. Off in the distance an ancient A/C machine noisily shuts off; I can hear pagan chants in the background, see sunlight-highlighted dust particles floating past a window, smell...nothing. I think, this is home.
Seconds pass; I count my heartbeats and read my emails. I play my piano and eat my food; I read my books and write my papers. People visit, friends die. Food decays, life wastes. People starve, cars crash; people murder, towers fall. I drink my bottled water and cry numbed, emotionless tears. Time passes.
Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai...
And then I think, this is life.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 06:09 p.m.
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Thursday, September 8, 2005CHOKEing on Life
Chuck Palahniuk is a genius. A creepy genius, yes, but nonetheless a genius. Do not contend that statement, or I shall have to beat you with a blunt and hefty object.
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Written on Burney's paper, because he double-sided with the printing instead of using an extra TWO sheets of paper: Try to be less Asa Asian next time; don't double-side!"
Ah. Fun times. ............ ...........Life's short enough as it is. Enjoy it.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 10:47 p.m.
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Monday, September 5, 2005Chillin' to Cafe Del Mar
Missed seeing someone really cool today, but said oppurtunity shall arise soon, hopefully.
It's barely 8pm Sunday night, and I've finished all homework. Sure, there's that paper due in two days and the endless quantities of applications and forms to be filled out, but that's just not the way to do these things.
Relax, man--breathe. Breathing is good.
::inhales::
Dayquil's effect is soon fading. It be dark outside; I must now take nyquil. Yes.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 07:41 p.m.
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Sunday, September 4, 2005Epicurus was Right
For what is it to die
but to stand in the sun
and melt into the windAnd when the Earth has claimed our limbs
Then we shall truly dance
------(Kahlil Gibran)
Hi, my name is topher. And I'm a dayquilholic.
Soothing oral medicines are the shitz. They need to make an analogous version to apply to one's cranium, so when the hurt gets too much you just pour some in your ear and tilt your head sideways, and your brain feels an intense bout of soothing relief.
.........I'd probably get addicted to that stuff so fast. Kids, pay attention: thinking is bad. Don't come up with your own ideas; just be like what the teachers and the parents and the po-lice off-icers tell you to be, and you will lead a happy, content, republican, productive life. Eat your veggies, do your homework, clean up what you mess up. And don't be an independent spirit, because you'll end up either naieve or horribly crushed, a selfish shell of your former potential. Wait! No! don't listen to him, kids! Think for yourselves! Buy things not on sale! Be free! Too late, bub--I win XD Fuck.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 07:18 p.m.
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Saturday, September 3, 2005Un-hungry and De-fying Nature
Ahh! Misinterpretations abound. I like anchi; She be a fun person! And she knows I like her, cuz she is a good person. She knows what I mean... -___-
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The last fling is happening. I think I'm still grounded, but I stopped caring. Plus, I haven't exactly eaten since breakfast, because food really has lost its natural appeal. Hey, maybe my body is showing symptoms of rejection towards life. Maybe after 17 years, it's showing what it honestly just doesn't like.
I think I need to go just eat a vitamin or something. Too much fucking ennui.
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 09:58 p.m.
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Thursday, September 1, 2005Sciocentricity, Paper Version
Proceeded upstairs around 5; set my mind on producing a quality Place Essay for AP lit & comp.
Nearly three productive hours later, I've made a multiblend fruit smoothie, watched three episodes of anime, almost won minesweeper and made some quality peanut pad-thai-esque sauce for noodles.
And now, to welcome in the beginning of August September, I'm updating my blog.
Three cheers for productive Thursdays!
I'm going to write about a science classroom. Yes. A Science Classroom... oh boy.
........funfunfunfunfunfunfunfun.... ::falls asleep:: (Damn, that fruit smoothie is GOOD)
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Topher released a bout of insanity at 04:20 p.m.
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