Tuesday, October 30, 2001
halloween parade pics.
on sunday I participated in the York halloween parade. I was part of the Spoutwood Farms Fairie Festival entry. Here are a couple pics. Enjoy.
on a light post. looking stupid, saying "it's all you" to Mr. Sweet, who was tracking us via the sidewalk ..
pointing exuberantly at the camera. I look green, but this shows the float pretty nicely.
the absolutely gorgeous angie and her pet dragon. She comes into border's sometimes. I adore her.
The rest of these pics are here. More pics can also be found here. Enjoy.
Chris made me vegan tollhouse bars today. He's in love with me. Baking says that like nothing else.
I got "From here to Infirmary" by Alkaline trio in the mail today. I've been waiting for what feels like months, but has probably really only been two weeks. I adore it, of course.
Kinda down. Not too bad. keep running into people from my past (a few at the parade, a few today) but it's good. Hopefully will hang out with new people soon. gotta rebuild my friendship circle....
that makes me sad too ..
and I'm out.
09:49 p.m.
Monday, October 29, 2001
a conscious decision.
After my last entry, I started thinking (or more likely continued a previous broken thought) about this page. I've decided, again, to go back to the roots of it. That is to say, it will again just be auto-biographical stories. I know that sounds pretty boring, but it's bound to be more exciting and intellectual than "this is what I did today, and chrischrischris." I've decided to start this grand institution on the day of my rebirthday - November 19. My real birthday is April 4, which is much too far away.
So be prepared. If I find myself stumbling into a large pocket of time, I might even do a little redesign. I wouldn't count on it, though. I have too much to learn before I attempt that.
But if you want to read something like how this page may end up being, go to the secret I tried to keep. This page hopefully won't be so sexual, but it will be autobiographical and more .. constructed (?). privateface. I kept it secret since April. I'm still impressed.
Well, here's to hoping.
09:20 p.m.
Monday, October 29, 2001
a short story.
When I was nineteen, I stupidly fell in love with my best friend.
My freshman year in highschool, I used to go into his sophomore class during home room and brush his tangled hair. I had a crush on him and everyone but the two of us seemed to know.
We never got too close in high school. I had a boyfriend for most of the time and was very against dating within school. Not that I would have necessarily gone out with him at that point anyway - I hadn't matured enough yet to fully appreciate his uniquities.
We were within the same group of people that hung out together from time to time. The mass of us went to prom together, and bits and pieces of the group would hang out separately. He dated another friend of mine for a year or more my senior year while he was at college.
I can't remember when we started hanging out alone, but I always enjoyed myself. He was very easy going and terribly intelligent. Our conversations were rarely dull, provided we could think of something to talk about. He became closer to me than anyone else in our now-fractured group.
I did the obvious thing. I fell in love with him.
Denial without recognition hit me pretty hard. I'd been in some pretty rough relationships, emotionally. We set up a semi-joke - an eventual engagement. Rings were bought and exchanged and everything. If we were single at thirty-five, we'd marry each other. Turns out the idea was a lot more serious to me than I let him know.
We weren't very good at keeping in touch - hell, I wasn't good at keeping in touch with anyone, best friend or no. I'm pretty sure he didn't know he was my best friend, come to think of it. I never really told him.
So come early december, the nineteenth year of my life, I ranted at people about how none of my friends were very good ones, despite them being good people. He took it hardest of them all.
I'd started getting closer to another person that had become part of the group. It was she that I called when I had to go to the hospital in december for a panic attack. Little did I know that she (with whom I'd once shared a mutual romantic interest) and my old best friend had started hanging out solo. Very solo.
Romantically solo.
I didn't find out for two weeks, and when I did, I raged. I felt betrayed and lied to and basically kept out of the loop. I lost the majority of my friends that night. Things haven't really been the same. In March I regained conact with the last of them, my old best friend, but not much has come of it.
I lost the ring not long after we were "engaged." I was very upset about it, and kept hoping I would find it. However, the past couple times I've seen him (far and inbetween), I noticed he'd stopped wearing his. That really hurt too. I miss him most of all my old friends. He never questioned my actions like everyone else. I was always just Emily. We could have long silences in total comfort. I could tell him nearly everything.
Best of all, he would always listen.
Now I can't do that. It's uncomfortable and forced. I can't reconcile and I can't find closure, but I just let it go. Things won't ever be the same because there's constant change in all aspects of life. I try to accept that. Sometimes it works.
Othertimes I just dream of him and wonder if I'll ever be able to tell him I love him again.
07:27 p.m.
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
an interlude.
Last night I dreamt about him. It's been a while. I don't want it to hurt anymore, but it still does. I think it always will.
Everytime after I have a dream about him, I start missing him terribly. This seems to happen whenever I'm either lonely or really getting into a serious relationship. Guess it's some sort of reality check. "hey emily, whatcha doin? remember what happened last time you thought you were in love?" This hurts, and I don't want it to anymore. They're not even bad dreams. I wish they were. I wish I could hate him.
But I can't.
He brought me pain, he brought me so so close to death, but he also pulled me back, so I cannot hate him. My dreams are of a retribution I know I will never find with him in waking, which makes them all the more bitter.
So everytime I have these dreams, I go all stalker like and try to find out anything I can about him. Is he happy? Is he more mature than he used to be? Is he treating his fiance well? Is he still with her?
And what about the cancer he supposedly had?
I can't ask him though. I can't write to him and say "hey, how's it going, what's up with you, this is how I am:" and then go on to tell him my life for the past two years. And oh fuck. It has been nearly two years.
Someone wake me up.
12:43 a.m.
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
by all means, do NOT see Iron Monkey.
It is a bad bad movie. If you do go to see it, go with the knowledge that it is bad. Then maybe you will like it. Did I mention that it's bad? Because it is. It's bad.
Oh and it sucks.
And it's bad.
I think my point is made.
Without any information though .. ok. Basically all the fight scenes with the main character (*cough*iron monkey*cough*) sucked. They really incredibly overdid the cables thing, so they were flying through the air entirely too much. I don't want to compare it to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but I'm going to. The cables basically worked in CT,HD. Sometimes it was a little much, but uuuuusually it was well done. That was not the case in Iron Monkey. Wow. Not at all. The dialogue was bad. The acting was pretty alright. If you go into the movie realizing 1)you're not going to get your money's worth and 2)it's basically a comedy (ie typical martial arts movie), then you'll be fine. I think I'll go onto something else now.
Gonna go for my state boards on November 17. Woo fuckin yay. I guess I'm excited, in that way where I know I'll be annoyed, but at least I'll get my cosmetology license. Go license go.
I told my dad I was annoyed at him. I even told him why. Yet somehow he still does not understand. His "girlfriend"(???) eve tells me that this is how men are. I don't know about all that. She says that "if god had done it right the first time, he would not have needed to make women to fix everything." I don't believe in god, but I do believe in that sentiment. To a degree. In the way that I concretely believe in anything. Which is not at all.
Yeah.
Work. Bleh. That's about all I have to say. Goddamn I'm boring nowadays. I think in the car and when I'm by myself, "where did all those dreams go that I used to have?" I can't even remember half of them. Blind ambition drives me now. It would be depressing if I would let myself be that way. I don't really wanna though.
Nope.
Gotta go. Too many break tags. And Chris is falling asleep on my back.
12:39 a.m.
Friday, October 19, 2001
Ah, rice..
how I love ye.
Anyway, this comic keeps popping back up in my life. This is the third time I've come across it. It's awesome. I guess I'll stick it in my daily comics that I read thang.
Uh. Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating is awesome. 'nuff said.
I'm not feeling too chatty today. Just wanted to update. Kind of. A little. I've written three articles on crashspace under the name "program." Oh, and I'm still having weird fuggin' dreams. Weird weird.
Gotta go to work in a few minutes. Yeah work. It's ok. Chris is coming back to the cafe, which is good fun for me.
Byea.
03:08 p.m.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
I remember a letter my brother sent to me..
when he was first in college. I was probably twelve or so at the time and more or less idolized him. He wrote "well, well, well (or maybe just three holes in the ground)" and I thought that was not just funny, but terribly clever. Now if I heard it, I would probably just groan and glare at him, though secretly amused. Amazing how things change.
Isn't change the constant theme lately? Today was A Day in the cafe. That is to say, it sucked. It would have sucked more if Fred had been allowed to come into work though. Apparently my supervisor, Lynzi (or Lindsay, if you go by birth certificate spellings) told him to just not bother coming back because of the amount of times he kept calling out. He came in today anyway, but left almost immediately because he was "too sick" to work. I imagine me glaring at him and basically being very un-buddhist helped.
I don't feel much like going into huge detail, as I would have to in order to explain all that happened, but today did suck. Everytime I started feeling a bit annoyed, I just said to myself "At least Fred isn't here." It really really helped.
I got the book Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating today from work. Borders had given a bunch of the employees $15 gift certificates for doing well on somesuch audit. Whatever. I gots me some vegan propoganda and you're all going DOWN. Not only that, chris wants to read it when I'm done (chris fun fact #30015: When the receipts at Borders print his name (as they do when an employee buys something with their discount) his first name is listed as Christ!). I have a feeling Chris will one day go the way of the vegan. Oh yes.
Anyway.
My house lost power for an hour and half (roughly) last night, probably from 8-9:30. It was fun, walking around in the dark, trying to find candles. I lit seven and sat in the middle of them and finished off Mostly Harmless for the umpteenth time. Then I made good on my word to chris (chris chris chris chris CHRISCHRISCHRIS) and drew a picture for him. Then I tried again. I got it right the second time.
(note: the comic at penny-arcade today is really funny. I'm sure I would not have thought it was as funny at 12 ...)
So sitting in the dark, alone, drawing pictures was a really fun thing to do. More fun than it sounds, actually. I played "You Don't Know Jack, Vol. 2" a couple times on my laptop (yeah battery pow-ah!). Halfway through the first game, the power came back on.
Darn.
Oh, I've been reading a new web comic. Imagine that. Life of Riley. It's odd.
Got my hair cut. No one can tell. Including me.
I'm hungry. I want some spaghetti. I also have three million projects I need to work on.
Geez. A busy Emily am I.
Cheers.
06:56 p.m.
Saturday, October 13, 2001
laundry, blogs, and a beautiful day.
I've decided to call off work today for several reasons.
(side note : I just broke the washer. Fuck.)
Anyway, I am taking off today because I was scheduled to work with my least least LEAST least favourite person in the cafe : Fred. I have a very incredibly difficult time dealing with him, as my supervisor knows. So I have decided to call off, as today is saturday, and I would be working 4-12 : the worst time to be working with an incompetent person you have no faith in. I guess now he'll know how much it sucks to be shafted on a saturday, as he's done to the cafe so many times before. At least he's quitting soon.
This is, however, the first time I've ever called off. Go fuckin go.
It's also a gorgeous day out. Not that I'm outside with it right now, sillily enough. What the hell am I thinking?
I also let my curiosity get the best of me (bad emily, bad bad!) and checked out Christopher's blog. He set it up without me knowing because he didn't want me to mock him as I would have inevitably done. He mentions that in his first entry. Tarnation. Eric set it up for him, right off of his blog. I was pissed for reasons I don't feel like explaining. And jealous. But I get excessively stupid. I didn't really like Chris hiding it from me .. for several weeks, especially. Chances are I would not have even known if he hadn't been adding an entry from my house. Makes me think he wanted me to find out, eh?
I finally got a reply from americorps saying that I would be considered for their fall 2002 program. Fall. Damn. Can I say it again?
Fuck.
Oh, lots more stuff has been going on. I really should update this thing with more frequency, or just not bother at all.
My dad left for who-knows-where on Tuesday or monday or something. I don't even know. I only found out he was leaving because my brother, Jerrod, asked if I was going with him. My dad and I had a bit of a fight and when he left he didn't bother telling me when he'd be back or where he was going or anything. My mindset is somewhere along the lines of "fuck it." But I just broke the washing machine, so it would be nice to know who to call. But I don't. So I can't. So fuck.
I don't feel too bad right now, except I can't finish my laundry. My dad is 50-some years old - I expect more maturity from him than what he's showing. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
Hey, it's time for me to talk real now.
I remember when I was in chicago in February or April last year, how different my day to day opinions were. I remember standing a platform waiting for the L, talking to Serhii about how much I hated money. I had reasons. I had goals. I had dreams. I wonder what happened to them.
I think going to cosmetology school helped a lot in changing me. I was shoved face-first into so many of the things I despised. Cattiness, selfishness (which I'd been trying so hard to beat down), stereotypes, a small amount of homophobia, ignorance, the obvious obsession with appearance, being around people that cared only about themselves, marriage, and their children. It got a little frustrating for me. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't gotten a little into buddhism. seriously.
But I was floudering off and on while I went to school there. I was caught between liking the people and hating their ideals. I had to mellow out very very quickly in order to not go crazy (which happened a little anyway, near the end of 2000). It ended up that people would be surprised to hear me cuss or complain. Neat, right? It was like I had my own little other persona without even realizing it.
so I had to change a little in order to survive at school. I really really regret that. I liked my previous mindset, though the anger was getting to be a bit much. The passion and the idealism was nice, though. It was pretty cool..
yeah ... I miss it.
I want to find that mindset again. I guess i need to listen the broadways and get in that zen.
Heh
but really now ...
I killed the washing machine by putting too much clothing in it. It sucks. Not only that, I have no way to get in touch with my dad to ask what I should do, because he left without telling me where he was going, how long he would be gone (a week?), and left no numbers to reach him. Thanks dad. Really.
must .. .take .. responsibility. . for ... actions .. gah!
Again.
02:07 p.m.
Saturday, October 6, 2001
yeah dude.
work sucked today. (surprise!) I was tired and cranky and we were understaffed and there was a continuous line at the cafe. Bah!
I've been wanting to start a story with, "when I was _insert age_ ..." for a while now. I think I will.
Now.
When I was 19, I fell in love.
This was not an unusual occurance.
In fact, on average, I fall in love about once every six months.
Not that I went to the trouble to average it out ...
But now I'll stop with that. I'm gonna go to the renaissance faire tomorrow. woo. and now the 15+ crew of MIT students that my brother brought home iwth him are back, and I must go.
bye.
ps. crashspace. I might start submitting here.
woo!
10:11 p.m.
Thursday, October 4, 2001
yeah, yeah, another lapse between posts..
but at least I've archived.
I've been reading more and more online comics. I read all the ones I have linked on the right whenever I can (except for lethal doses and icecream for breakfast, because they don't actually exist anymore). I saw my mom this weekend - chris and I went out to dinner with her, her boyfriend Kim, and her friend Marcia and her husband. It was alright. Kinda weird.
My brother is visiting this weekend with a group of 15 people. They're all going to the PA Renaissance Faire (where I worked when I was 14, and have refused to go in costume since then), and I'm going to go with them on Sunday, hopefully dragging Chris along with me.
I need to finish cleaning up bits of the house tonight, since I've managed to make a huge mess of the place with my art since my mom moved out. She's such a bitch about it, too. Hypocrisy runs rampant in my family, but I swear she is a huge root of it.
*sigh*
stupid bad thinking. must .. get .. in .. buddhist .. mode .. no .. more. .. aversive .. thinking. I don't think that was even the word i wanted.
I guess my problem right now is I don't feel like I'm really doing anything. I'm not accomplishing anything. I go to work from 8-4 or 9-5, which I don't really like that much and is basically just frustrating or infuriating (depending on the day of the week, whethre I open, and who I'm working with), then I come home and try to figure out what to do. Art, computer, boy, sleep. Usually in that order. I'm not doing anything. I hate it. I'm stagnating. Again.
I still haven't heard from americorps. I wrote to the person who heads the NCCC, and haven't heard back. I need to get my cosmetology license. Basically I'm stuck here until at least mid November because of that.
Even if I could leave, where would I go?
Anywhere not here, I suppose.
That just keeps sounding better and better ... I only have one hang-up.
Chris.
Ugggh ... life just got so much more complicated ... drama. How I missed ye.
03:28 p.m.
