Sunday, November 18, 2001
heh.
I was looking through the archives here from a little over a year ago and I found a link to the page that had Owen and Alexis' engagement. I went there, and found a post that said they had gotten married.
I tried to feel something, but I didn't. I didn't feel anything.
I just laughed a few times.
02:47 p.m.
Sunday, November 18, 2001
Huzzah!
I don't know how I did on my state board practical exam. Hm. I didn't finish the hair cut, which sucks. That doesn't mean I failed, but I know I didn't do very well on the part that I did get done. So boo on me.
But it's over for now. I'm gonna try not to worry about it anymore. At least not until I find out if I have to retake it.
This weekend is employee appreciation weekend at Border's - 40% off almost everything. Neat. I think I'll finally get the Compleat Moonshadow. Maybe some vegetarian/vegan cookbooks as well. Yum yum.
Hm. Well. Tomorrow is the anniversary. You know the one. Two years since I tried to off myself. Pretty exciting stuff. It's also my mom's birthday, and the day that I set aside to stop all this journal crap and get back to my roots. Yo.
Sing it with me now - happy rebirthday to me
happy rebirthday to me
happy rebirthday to me-e-ehappy rebirthday to ME!
Annoying thing is that I don't think anyone remembers.
It's ok though, I guess it's better that way. Better not to dwell on such things,you know?
yeah, I know you know.
I know too.
02:09 p.m.
Thursday, November 15, 2001
now I know what the puppies think of my art.
There was shit found on the newspaper surrounding one of my paintings, and a huge puddle of urine and another pile of shit on the plastic bag in which my "connected" painting resides. Great. Fucking swell.
Also, I was reminded last night of why I don't cook. I soaked some pinto beans to ready them for cooking. Around 9:00 or so I put them in a pot to cook. Then I completely forgot about them and went up to bed to sleep around 10:30. An hour later I woke to a disgusting sort of smoke, stumbled down to the kitchen, and saw the pot on the stove. Smoking. A lot. I took it off, probably cussing profusely, and pour hot water in it to soak. When I went back upstairs, I lit some incense and hoped that would help with the smell. It didn't.
Right. so. today was alright, other than that. I need more towels for my state boards, and another colour bowl. That sucks. I've been working on repacking my bag. Tomorrow Brandi is going to go over stuff with me. Yaaay.
Uh ... countdown continues. But somehow it just isn't as big a deal anymore. Yesterday I was talking to Bryan, a coworker of mine, telling him about the places I'd been. Halfway through today I realized that I'd completely forgotten to mention California.
That's awesome.
Oh, did I mention that Chris and I are thinking about going to Australia?
08:54 p.m.
Wednesday, November 14, 2001
and I had such good intentions ...
Today was an "eh" sort of day. I think that by now, though, the goods have mostly outweighed the bads.
Ok, scratch that, they have won and are holding the decapitated head of the bads in their blood-stained hands. They're probably smirking, too. Regardless, the day has ended up on a good note.
I got to work with chris, which is always good stuff for me, even if he does get mad at me because Lynzi, our supervisor, and I are ganging up on him. He got over it eventually. I called Empire during my lunch and talked to the girl, Sarah, I would be taking with me to state boards. I now have directions to her house and am going to pick her up at 7:20am on Saturday. Ugh. That's so early.
Talked to Brandi - we're hanging out on Friday and going over state boards stuff. Yay. So all of that is mostly taken care of. I had planned on going through my bag today and making sure I had everything packed right, but I was distracted by the newspaper, making food, and my dad.
He needed me to follow him and drive him home from getting his truck inspected. On the way home, he pretty much apologized for being a doofus weeks ago and not leaving me any information when he went on his trip with his father. We talked a bit then, and more when we got home. He has post traumatic stress syndrome from way back when fighting at Viet Nam. Since he's unemployeed, his insurance comes from the VA hospital, which is an hour away. The insurance only counts when he goes TO the VA hospital for whatever needs to be done - and the VA is obnoxiously shifty. He needs counseling, and he's lucky if he gets it once a month. Personally, when I was going through my bout of sucky-ass depression two years ago, my counselor had me see him twice a week. It helped. If my dad can get a new job, full-time, he can get on the company's insurance and get counseling here whenever he needs to go instead of having to rely on the infrequent VA. If I believed in god, I'd be praying.
So anyway. I was going to repack my state board bag today, then I got distracted. Hence the title today.
I always have such good intentions.
Someday I'll see them through.
09:06 p.m.
Sunday, November 11, 2001
yow ...
I have two email accounts, but I really only use one of them (pirateswin). The other one used to be my main one, but now I just use it for impersonal email crap. Not that I don't get my fair share on pirateswin, but still.
One of the lists that I've been subscribed to for quite some time is a gay advocacy list. It originally started out as a StopDrLaura.com list, but has since evolved into just a gay rights, etc, rant. I don't have a problem with that. Sometimes I agree with the guy, sometimes I think he's totally and completely wrong (I don't support war, he does. He got pissed with some kid wearing a "Straight Pride" shirt, I think it's funny, etc). The most recent utterance from this guy had a link to a page that I can't believe is real - www.godhatesfags.com. I'd seen it before but had blocked it from my memory, I guess. I thought it was a joke. I wish it was a joke. Apparently the rod of god hath smitten fag america, hence the september 11 crap. We've been smitten? Like a kitten? Rowr!
All I can say is that some church (*cough*westboro baptist church*cough*) needs to get their collective head out of their collective shit-encrusted orifice soon. I can't wait for the final fall of christianity. Throw some truth, reason, and free-thought to those people, please.
In a way, it's funny. In a lot of ways it's funny, really. It all sounds like a particularly crude and middle-school-oriented Onion article. I'm glad God hates America. Maybe now all his followers will go away.
But really now folks ...
I looked up some of my old goucherite buddies from way back when. Always exciting, that nostalgia. Actually, it's not too bad. I just can't wait for this year to be over. Fast forward switch anyone?
Fairie festival meeting today. Weelaa. Gotta go eat.
12:47 p.m.
Thursday, November 8, 2001
it came in the mail today.
the catalogue and application for admissions to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.
Hot fuckin' damn.
Hm hm hm. It kind of sucks being a slightly insecure short pimply not stereotypically attractive female working with a tall leggy thin clear-skinned drop dead gorgeous blonde girl who has no idea that guys only talk to her because she's fucking beautiful. Almost all of her friends are male. I can deal with that, I know how dense men can be, and generally are. But when the fucking lesbians start hitting on her and asking her out to dinner ... whoa. Back the fuck up, bitch. You're in MY territory.
I feel like a troll beside her. It's awful. I wish she had a wonderful disposition to make up for it, but she generally doesn't. She's spacey, "alternative," bitchy (mock-bitchy? I guess?), and you have to have a relatively thick skin to be around her. Of course guys love it.
My jealousy knows no bounds. The only way it could be more annoying is if she knew the effect she has on the opposite gender (and those that swing the other way). But she can be nice and since I've gotten to know her better, I've come to appreciate how she keeps the male friends, even if I can't appreciate at all how she snags them.
not that I don't think she's beautiful. She is. Anyone that says otherwise is probably (or most definitely) lying. but I don't appreciate that beauty in the true sense of the word. I can't. I am actually unable to, because of how being around her makes me feel.
Like nothing. I am the bump on the log that everyone ignores. A guy or a girl might think I'm cute, but out walks Miss Stacey and suddenly I am eclipsed. Without fail. Even if that weren't the case, that's exactly how it feels.
"Now Emily," you may be saying, "Why the fuck does it matter? You HAVE a loving, adoring, dare I say - DOTING boyfriend. Why get all worked up about this?" Good question. Because I need reassurance, I guess. I want to be desired, even if nothing come sof it. Goddamn I gotta break that.
Anyway.
I wrote some words down last night and now they're poetry. I don't like them, though, so I'm not gonna point them out. Jerk.
Tonight Lawrence Arms was playing not 45 minutes from my humble abode, but did I go? No. I did not. Instead I came home and read comic books while taking a bubble bath. Fuck. I hate money.
I hate being in debt to others.
There was so much more to say - I remember being less bitter. What happened to that? Let's get it back then, ok?
This all goes to hell in eleven days anyway. might as well start the countdown.
11.
09:03 p.m.
Tuesday, November 6, 2001
alkaline trio lyrics
They are the best. "Stupid Kid" reminds me of myself in regards to a certain better-left-unsaid someone.
There are things that used to make me smile
One of them was you for just a little while
You left me for dead so far away
I replaced you with fear and shame
You'll be happy on the day I die
There are things that used to make me laugh
But now they're deeply buried in the past
I left them there so far away
Replaced my humor with my pain
I'll be happy on the day it dies
Remember when I said I love you
Well forget it I take it back
I was just a stupid kid back then
I take back every word that I said
There are things that used to make you cry
One of them was me for just a little while
Why is it that you had to say
Goodbye in your special way
You slashed the tires on my car
*sigh*
Anyway. Christopher's birthday was, for the most part, rather fun. I got him musics ("Post" by Bjork, "Flood" by They Might be Giants, "Japanese Whispers" by the Cure, and "Sailing the Seas of Cheese" by Primus) and Transmetropolitan: Filth of the City. Probably other stuff too. He seemed to like everything. I was a Good Girlfriend.
Yeah.
It's an exciting change for me ..
My dad commended me for walloping one of the patented Annoying Fucking Puppies today when it was looking in the trashcan. It felt dirty, having him happy with me for making the little brat yelp. Ick. There's got to be a better way.
Now I'm gonna go hang out with Kurt, since he's back in PA. If I can, I'm gonna try to drag him to Maryland. Heh. Probably won't work, but it's worth a try, right?
And I'm just fine, thanks for asking.
12:50 p.m.
Sunday, November 4, 2001
happy friggin' birthday, jerkface.
02:53 p.m.
Thursday, November 1, 2001
I am so fucking sick of hitting my extremeties on hard objects.
Yesterday was the start of the pagan new year. Luckily, I'm not a pagan because I strongly believe in the first day of the new year being indicative of the rest of the year.
Yesterday sucked.
There were some high points (the comic book store! free comics! halloween! not working! going into a porn store to see my friend's boyfriend! dressing up like a catholic school girl!) but a lot of low points as well (finding that I had forgotten my debit card at the JCPenney's salon! going to the salon and finding that they had sent it to a different department for safe-keeping, and that department had cut it in half and called and cancelled the number! going nearly broke buying stuff for state boards! having nothing to do besides spend money! being mistaken for a catholic school girl!). It balanced out sucking. It was too cold to go outside and stare at the beautiful full moon for long, which was disappointing. But it WAS lovely, which was good.
Today I kept hitting my arms, hands, and my head on hard things. I also realized that there was no way I could deposit my paycheck in time for me to take chris out to dinner for his birthday on sunday. I am actually in the hole about $6 right now, which he doesn't know. It's kind of upsetting. I bought some more stuff today for state boards (and for his birthday, but shh .. don't tell). I also picked up Pump up the Valuum by NoFX. I've been on a mission since I was .. ooohh .. 15? to collect all their albums. I have over half of them. I still need the Decline, I heard they suck live, and White Trash, Two Heebs, and a Bean. Pretty exciting. Kinda. Not really.
But yeah, like I said, today sucked. I didn't get off work until 5, which is when every single branch of my bank closes, so I couldn't deposit my pay check. Tomorrow I work until 4, so there's no way I can get there before 2:00 (which is the deadline for deposits for the day - everything after then is credited to the next work day). None of this would matter if JC fuckin' Penney's hadn't cut my fucking debit card because I could have utilized the terribly handy 24-hour banking thang and just deposited my pay check from any dandy First Union ATM any time I damn well pleased tonight and have the money available. But they DID cut my fucking card, because they're total bastards and don't understand that people DO come back for their cards when they forget them. RAR.
So actually, that's been the basis of my extreme anger today and yesterday. That and Chris set the alarm wrong so I got up at 8:21 this morning, which was (coincidentally) exactly when I wanted to leave for work.
But I'm not bitter.
I just wish I'd stop hitting my fucking head, arms, hands, and other extremities on things.
Fuck.
09:04 p.m.
