And what has Emily done today?

ps. something I said to Japes today:
horned chaos: it's awful that I'd rather sit at home and try to enhance my html skills than go out and see a band I really like
horned chaos: but it isn't the band that keeps me away, it's the people I will inevitably want to thrash.
horned chaos: and it's too pretty a day to be violent

Sunday, June 24, 2001
"What's so interesting about my chin?"
"What's so interesting about mine?"
"You have facial hair."
"You don't."
Indisputable logic there from mr. Chris. It must be genetic. Check out the logic his mom has:
chris: I'm going to go to a party with Emily.
chris's mom: Who's Emily?
c: someone you haven't met.
cm: Is she your girlfriend?
c: No mom, she isn't. You asked that last time.
random talking about how she doesn't remember him mentioning me before, though he has.
cm: Does she have a boyfriend?
c: No.
cm: Then that probably means you're her boyfriend.
It's a conspiracy.
In other news, the new Transmetropolitan is supposed to be out at the end of this month. It's one of my favourite comics. I am excited. Yay! I have the four that have already been released, and I mean to get copies of "I Hate it Here" as well.
Uh. I'm tired.
the party at jared's was fun. I liked the people there. Alex and Rachel weren't there, which avoided a great deal of tension that would have been there otherwise. Chris was anti-social for a good amount of the time, but I should have guessed as much. It all ended up being alright though. They told bad jokes. My favourite ones were the jesus ones. Heh. Jesus. yeah. Then Chris and I came back to my house and slept in until noon today - a rarity for the both of us. We lounged around today, not doing much of anything. I took apart my Nintendo and dusted off the innards, but it still won't work. Bastard. We watched the simpsons. lounged more. Now he's home, probably asleep. and I'm writing in my weblog.
What am I getting myself into by spending so much time with Chris? Exactly what I mean to avoid. This is weird. Too too weird. Time to cool it down, emily.
time to wind it all down.

11:51 p.m.

Saturday, June 23, 2001
Boy oh boy oh boy!
I'm waiting for Chris to get to my house right now so we can go to the party at Jared's. I really should be gathering up CDs to take there, as Jared asked me to bring some. I am only too willing to comply.
My hair looks silly today.
Uh .. crazy work last night. Todd showed up and gave me another napkin note with his phone number. I guess he thought I lost it last time he gave it to me, when really I just kept it in the pocket of my school smock. He scares me.
Uh. I'm tired. But I saw a fantastic thunder storm yesterday while with Chris while I was killing time before work. We sat in a pavilion in the park we always hang out in and just let it rage all around us. It was beautiful. Lemme say it - wow.
I'm sure I had loads of interesting things to share in My Me today, but I seem to have forgotten them all. My dad isn't mad at me anymore, at least not as far as I can tell. I'm sure we'll end up talking about it later- whenever we're around each other for long enough to talk about anything other than immediate subjects. THat hasn't been happening much lately. If I'm not somewhere, he is. Even when we are both in the house at the same time, I'm usually either working on an art thing or on the computer. *sigh* I should really try to cultivate a closer relationship with him. We're close and all, but it's not at the level I'd like to be at. I have difficulty explaining it. Argh.
Still having weird dreams. Very weird dreams. Last night about Forrest, my ex ex ex. I dreamt we ran into each other somewhere (a park? swings? I dunno) and he told me that his girlfriend, Layla (whom I call that group's slut, because she's dated 4 or 5 people in it) has to go to the police every weekend to be lectured about what a bad person Forrest is. What a strange dream.
As for now, I'm tired and I need to get some cds together. Maybe some food, too, as I have a feeling the vegan options at Jared's house might be somewhat lacking. But he can be thoughtful, so hopefully will at least have some vegetables out.
And now- I'm out.
04:35 p.m.

Thursday, June 21, 2001
irrationality, I love you forever.
yes, in that way that you love something you hate.
so my dad is mad at me because he came into my school today at 2:50 (10 minutes before we stop taking clients) and wanted me to cut his hair -- though I was about to get a scalp treatment. I told him he could come in on Saturday, and he left in a huff. It was very frustrating because now he won't really talk to me and is just being needlessly pissed. So I'm pretending he isn't, as I don't feel I've really done anything to deserve this treatment. Eh. I'm sure we'll talk about it eventually. I refuse to get very worked up over it. It's his choice to be angry. Apparently he likes it that way.
Uh. Let's see. What else is happening ... party at Jared's on Saturday. housewarming party at sharyn's the weekend after that. I Farm is playing on July 1. US Bombs are playing Monday. Chris moves into his new place with his best friend (not me .. heh) on July 1. He has invited me to stay over that night. Should be interesting.
No, he is not my boyfriend.
Oh, and check this out. Just got it done today. My hair rules.
I work tomorrow. Four hours. The only four hours I work this week. Next week my schedule gets a little more full, luckily. I think I'm gonna average three nights a week, with saturday and friday being definites, more or less. Give it up for part time, baybee.
I miss movies with heroes. They're so good. I need to get more music by them.
Oh. Look at that. Recruiting info from the army for me in the mail. I laugh.
Real stuff going on in my life that I don't feel like putting in a public forum. Sorry.
and I'm out.
07:53 p.m.

Monday, June 18, 2001
a day of fun.
I made a flowchart documenting the hook-ups of my group of friends. Double lines mean dating, single lines mean kissing or more. It was fun. This is the top of it.
Enjoy.

06:16 p.m.

Monday, June 18, 2001
How weird.
I was looking through the weekend section of the paper (yes, I know it's monday ...) and came across the personals section. I looked through the Seeking Women section (there was only one lesbian, and she's too old) and decided to check out all the ages of the people. There is a 19 year old guy. I really hope it's a joke that he put a personal ad in the newspaper. "SWM, 19, ISO SWF, 18-20, to have a great time with. I am funny and easy to get along with. I like movies and hanging out at the mall." Right below that is "SWM, 20, seeking SWF, 20-21, who enjoys casual dating. Must be loyal and caring. Must like animals of all kinds."
Ok. So the first guy is a desperate 19 year old who hang out at the mall by himself. The second guy just wants to fuck around. But hey, maybe I'm wrong. It's been known to happen. It just seems really weird to me that two people so young are putting personal ads in a newspaper. Geez. Anyone under 30 shouldn't be doing that sort of thing.
Maybe I'm just being too judgemental again. I've been having that problem lately. I could make excuses - like how I'm stuck in a room with incredibly judgemental people for 6+ hours a day at school. But I won't really use that as a reason. It seems pretty crappy, as reasons go.
I went on a motorcycle ride with my dad today. Bonding time for father and daughter. Heh.
My blogging time at clay's is over now. It was fun.
And now, away I go.

02:54 p.m.

Sunday, June 17, 2001
Happy Father's Day!

Fray stories are awesome.
Another chapter in the Todd story : one of the student teachers, Collette-Jeannine, at my school, knows a house mate of his. (Did I mention that he's a recovering drug user? Addictive personalities + Emily = SUPER BAD) Collette-Jeannine works at a salon called Trade Secrets, and since Todd lost his job last week he decided to go to Trade Secrets to hang out.
Hang out. At a salon. With a girl that he barely knows. All day. From 10-8, actually. And of course, who came up in conversation?
That's right folks. Your's truly. Which isn't surprising, since they both know me. What is kind of unnerving is what he said. "She's my future wife - she just doesn't know it yet." Damn right I don't know it. Because it isn't going to happen.
Also note that this guy has seen me two days - and those are the only times we've ever talked, and it was mostly him talking about himself. Weird.
So I'll stop being a stupid girl now, bitching about a boy that likes me that I don't share the interest of - but really, it's fun for me, because this kind of thing so rarely happens. I'm taking full advantage of having something girlish to talk about. When Collette-Jeanine and I were discussing it, I said that I really didn't want a relationship with anyone, and if I did, it wouldn't be with a boy. "Oh," she said, "does he know that?"
I would tell him, but that would involve starting a conversation with him. Oh. Oh my. Perhaps if I ignore it, it will go away?
And onto other news. Today Jared and I are taking our fathers out to Ginmiya, a japanese/chinese restaurant. Yeah Father's Day.
Yesterday sucked a lot. Friday wasn't too bad, though. School went alright, and I got to do hair for a school's fashion show. Then Chris and I hung out a lot, and he spent the night. Saturday I was tired and cranky and my legs hurt. I fucked up at school, then was annoyed at work. It was totally insane in the cafe and I thought I was going to snap. I did a lot of dishes so as to avoid customers. But I made it through.
I got home around 12:40am, then called Chris around 1:30. We were on the phone until 3am. I forgot to turn my alarm off, so was awakened at 7:14am. Luckily I fell back asleep right away.
Eh. I'm being boring now. I'll stop.
Ummmm ............
Things are ok. I think everything will be just fine. I want to run around outside now.
Bye.
02:55 p.m.

Thursday, June 14, 2001
Spring horniness passed ... now onto the summer.
but really folks. That's another page ENTIRELY.
Todd, my mysterious suitor from May, showed up at my school today. I gave him a hair cut and some new colour in his hair. I also refused to give him my phone number and dealt poorly with his Christianity. Let's get a run-down of the reasons I wasn't too upset when I called him two weeks ago and found he had moved :

1. He's Christian.
   
2. He eats meat.
   
3. He smokes cigarettes.
   
4. He's an ex-punk rocker. (I've found that punks or ex-punks and I don't mix well in certain situations)
   
5. He divulged way too much of his life story to me the first time we met. (does this seem hypocritical or what?)
   
6. He told me he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, then proceeded to flirt with me shamelessly for two hours.
   

Mike: if you are ever out of town i will guest blog for you :-)
horned chaos: I usually just let my blog go : )
horned chaos: I think guest bloggers are silly : p

And again, with the hypocrisy.
but hey folks, it's day #4 of Emily Is Wearing Skirts and Dresses Week. Amazing! Done on a dare from a fellow classmate, who thought I wasn't feminine enough. Fah on her!
The End!

07:14 p.m.

Wednesday, June 13, 2001
introspection rampantly rules.
Ah, I sit here with tears in my eyes. I just read fray for the first time today. Amazing how other's experiences can bring to mind your own, and your own pent up emotions.
I remember what would have been my last night with all my friends in December of 1999. I couldn't tell you the exact date, but I have the pictures to prove it existed. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. That and the future just seem to go hand in hand. All just a matter of perspective.
So I have these pictures of me with my buzzed head, green stubblies of a scalp, holding feverishly onto my 6 closest friends - Carissa, Jared, Elley, Sharyn, Rachel, Alex. That was before everything went to hell. That was when we all still would get together and hang out as a group, before the inevitable Incestation occurred to the degree it has since progressed. That night marked The Beginning of The End. I was so prepared to leave my closest friends to run off to California and a life I hadn't even thought could exist two months before.
That is insanity. I called it love.
But I came back, right? Not by choice, but I returned. Everything had changed. Not just with my friends, because I didn't notice that change at first. With me. I had changed. Getting kicked out of California can do that. Going crazy will do that. I have those pictures, too.
So yes, I've been thinking about different aspects of my Californian excursion -- not Owen anymore. I don't think I ever really loved him. I figured it all out today, in the car, driving home. I deeply probed my shame and realized I felt things that weren't for him. I was ready to leave my closest friends for a guy I barely knew and a place I'd never been. What's that say about me? What's that say about my relationships? What does that say about my priorities?
Bad things, I'm ashamed to say.
I am, however, pleased to ascertain that I would no longer make the choices I made then. I've grown. I've evolved. I am woman, hear me purr. Wherever I am, there is home. But I must never forget who my friends are, as they are the ones that will inevitably save me. And I am forever willing to return the favor.

In other news, I started guest blogging for Clay today. That should be enough to lighten this silly darkness I've brought down upon my obviously frequently cheerful journal type web thingy.
Oh. and everything is beautiful. I forgot to mention that. but don't you ever forget it.
life is bigger so much bigger than all this.
life is bigger, so much bigger than ..
all this.
-the broadways
09:25 p.m.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001
This one goes out to YOU, my reader!
Yes YOU, who infrequently reads!
You who check this at school!
You who found a link to this from another page!
You who are a real life friend of mine, but uses this to keep up to date with what's going on in my life!
IT'S ALL FOR YOU BABY.
ALL FOR YOU.

Not really. It's just another way for me to feed my rampant narcissism. Don't fool yourself into believing anything other than the truth.
Hm .. word association .. rampant .. rampage. . RAMPAGE. One of my favourite arcade games! When I was out on Sunday with Carissa, we were at the mall killing time before we saw Evolution (which I found highly amusing) and I dragged her into a game store. They had a used Nintendo games section (as though there could be anything other than a used nintendo games section) and I picked up Rampage. Yesterday I set up my Nintendo, only to find that it WOULD NOT WORK. I am understandably heart-broken.
Onto the next bit. Today there was a fantastic storm. I ran around outside in the downpour, stomping in puddles and laughing uncontrollably. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing it partially so I could tell people about it. Yet, at least I did it at all. It was a beautiful feeling, getting totally drenched while wearing such impractical clothing - velveteen dress, striped stockings, a hoodie, and other sundry layers. Afterwards I took a warm shower, then grabbed my low quality digital camera and took some pictures of the amazing sky. I'll upload them to one of my pages and perhaps link them here later. They need to be shrunk. Shrinked? whatever. I have to make them smaller.
And apparently I'm going to be guest blogging for Clay from wednesday to monday? Sunday? It's neat. I've never guest blogged before. Hee hee!!
It seems the latest trend in internet funness is group blogs. Again, like the popularity with weblogs in general, I don't get it. Maim was amusing while it lasted, but group blogs in general don't do much for me. I guess it's because I'm not part of them. It mostly tends to be inside stuff that I can't personally relate to.
Though I was asked by clay to join one of those as well. Hm.
Jared and I may take our fathers out for Father's Day dinner on sunday. I've been waiting all evening for him to call me, but to no avail. Tom was also supposed to call me back today. Damnable males. Rar.
And now, some lyrics.
I lost my membership card to the human race
so don't forget the face
because I know that I do belong here ...
-Dismemberment Plan
09:53 p.m.

Monday, June 11, 2001
can you believe it?
I have't updated for a week. That's crazy, right there.
but hey, look, new colours in my hair ..

Anyway. Kaliber10000 almost made me cry. I don't know why. It's not sad or anything, I just really liked watching the design load. Is that abnormal?
It's another reason why Dan's Head Project is so neat. I doubt anyone is coming here from there, as my stylish mohawk and RAWK hoodie probably isn't enough to entice them, but still. It just gives me more and more places to go to kill my real world time and allow myself to be sucked into the mindless void that is the internet.
In other news, my Rahway NJ friend, Kurt, has been in PA for the past week. I've seen him twice and discussed many matters with him. I think I will enroll in Americorps, in the NCCC (national civilian community corps). Now, to finish cosmetology school.. then enroll in the school of the art institute of chicago. Or wherever else I wanna go.
uh. so my dad's doing ok. I'm doing ok. My next two weeks of work are really stupid, as I only work one day each week. Gr. That's bad, when one needs money.
So yes, lately my future (both immediate and long term) have been beating strongly on my mind. I believe I mentioned that. One of the main problems is money, which will be the last thing I worry about. Basically it's all about time. I have to cram lots of clients into my school time right now, so I can finish the required services, get my hours in, get the money in, graduate. I had a dream last night that I was going to be graduating soon. Not gonna happen. I'm logically looking at August right now. When I first started, it was going to be April. Then I took my leave of absence, so it would be June. I realized I'd missed a lot of class while I was still in school, before my leave, so I figured it would be July. Now that I've semi-calculated it all, I figure August. How frustrating.
My plans have been changing so much the past years. When I was in high school, I didn't worry about any of it. Even when I was in college for that short time, I didn't spend too much time pondering it all. I just ignored it. Now I feel like I immerse myself daily in my future. Everything I do is leading up to something. But what?
I don't know. I don't know. I just want to make some sort of difference.

06:15 p.m.

Tuesday, June 5, 2001
I will never drink coffee again.
Today, as a cafe employee, I decided I should actually try some coffee. I made myself a mocha au lait and promptly burnt my mouth. A few icecubes later, I was ready to try again and found it to be a relatively pleasant experience.
That is, until the caffeine kicked in.
As I write this, it is 11:12 and I am giggling like a crazy house. I can't sit still and somehow everything is highly amusing. I don't understand how people wake up and drink this first thing in the morning. I've had stomach aches, jitters, and total restlessness so far, and this was all from half a cup of coffee.
I am never drinking coffee again. Unless I feel like going totally insane.

On a heavier note, Sunday night (technically Monday morning) I was on the phone with Tom at 12:30 am when my dad walks in. "I think I'm having a heart attack," he says. I hang up on Tom, barely saying goodbye, call 911, and wait with my dad for the ambulance. We go to the emergency room, where I stay with him in a small curtained-off room until 8:30am, when he is moved to a real room 3 floors up. He wasn't having a heart attack, just severe pain around his heart. At 10:30am I had Chris pick me up from the hospital, having only grabbed a few snatches off sleep during the wee hours of Monday morning. Plastic chairs in Emergency Room cubicles are terribly uncomfortable.
Today at 2pm, my dad calls my school and asked me to pick him up from the hospital. I do. Apparently he has a virus which causes the membrane around the heart (which is used to prevent it from rubbing against the surrounding muscles) to swell, making things very painful for him. He is going to be on anti-inflammatories now. I am terribly terribly glad that he is ok.
Yes. Also on Monday I had Chris watch Brazil and The Breakfast Club. He tried hard not to like TBC but really, how can anyone truly not like it? Geez! The fool!
In fact, Chris is coming over now to help me wait out my caffeine buzz, and also to stare at the beautiful beautiful full moon with me.
Y'know, he's a pretty good friend. He gets me jobs, humours my strange moods, and is awfully fun to hug. It's strange that a couple months ago I was sick of him calling me all the time. Hrm. Interesting how things change, eh?
Guess that's always the theme of life. Change. Nice I have this tattoo on my arm, part of which means "wisdom through change." I fear it constantly, but stagnation kills me. Literally, I think.
I need a good way to end this entry. Uh. should I say something shocking? revealing? exciting? thoughtful? thoughtless? Maybe I'll just end it with a quote, a grammatically incorrect one from Common Rider.
Music ain't nothing but expression of joy
when the train hits you're gonna feel it.
And if you try to preach that ain't nothing but noise
but if you feel it, love reveal it.
This phenomenon comes from the ground of creation without a doubt
It is not a sign of weakness to be real, move your body, turn it out.
Turn it out.
Conscious burning, everything's gonna be alright.
We're gonna shake this town with a long-forgotten light.
Things are changin' but I am not afraid.
We'll be together,
rockers of the very last wave.
11:12 p.m.

Sunday, June 3, 2001
hello world!
angry vegan sent me more stupid email about my really old Omnivores United page. Which is funny in itself, because I'm pretty much vegan now. Oh those wacky people that don't bother to read the disclaimer on webpages and don't get humour (though it may be in poor taste and covered in common misconceptions of the ignorant type).
Work wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I did sleep in and went in to school at 1 to do my friend Chris' hair. I lamented to him about my work issues (he understands, as he works there as well, and is the reason I got the job in the first place). He offered to stick around a bit at work and help me with certain things. So he did. and it was good. I spent my breaks with him, and we watched the ducks swim around in a nearby stream during my lunch (which was at 8:30, but is still called a lunch break. weird). yeh.
tomorrow I have an eye appointment, then I go to Spoutwood for a fairy festival meeting. Monday chris will come over and I shall make him watch Brazil, and also the Breakfast Club if we have time. I was planning on renting every Molly Ringwald movie I could find, but he didn't seem so into that idea.
dan just drew this of me:
HEE!!! I likes it, I do I do.
I got $2.50 worth of tips today. Heh. Yeeeah. Tip your Border's Cafe employees well. We deserve it.

01:26 a.m.

Friday, June 1, 2001
why aren't I sleeping?
I'm tired. I haven't gotten enough sleep this week. I'm stressed about school and work and my relationships (or lack thereof) with certain people. with all people.
I want to be done with school. I want to do a job that does more than satisfy immediate needs. I want to do something important. ugh.
I've been reading Siddhartha. I only have a few pages left. I like it. I need to finish A simple path. I also have Paradise Lost now, as well. Literature is go!
uh. I am seriously considering the idea of sleeping in tomorrow, as I close at work and don't feel like being very tired and cranky. I work most of the time with one of the only incompetent cafe employees, and it's only my sixth day (in two weeks, so it's not like I've been able to constantly do this stuff, either). I am very nervous and upset and and and ... argh.
So if you go to Border's Cafe in York, PA, and a short girl with white and orange hair and a multi-colored mohawk, wearing a red weird hat thing takes your order and fucks it up (like she may or may not have done several times tonight), please cut her some slack. She's still learning, and under poor circumstances.
Thank you.
ps. I archived. enjoy.
pps. I worked more on my painting.
ppss. I have more colour in my hair as of today.
pppss. the head project. I'm there too.
pppsss.
and goodnight.
11:55 p.m.