Tuesday, July 31, 2001
Oooo . almost august.
I think August is one of my least favourite months. It's right up there with February. Useless months, if you ask me.
Now April, there's a winner. Maybe I just like it because 1) it holds my birthday within it and 2) Spring!
SPRING!!
Anyway. The second entry from yesterday contains only a picture of Mr. Christopher and I. Lap it up.
I saw Planet of the Apes today with Carissa. It was good stuff. See it. Um .. also today .. uh ... I worked on a painting!
Yay!
My entries lately have been rather silly. That's good. Usually I'm depressed in the summer. This has been nice, not being sad all the time. I am enjoying it. I attribute it to buddhism and love.
Don't laugh.
09:42 p.m.
Monday, July 30, 2001
heavens!
10:28 p.m.
Monday, July 30, 2001
almost time to archive again.
Yes indeedy. July is coming to a close, and what a close it'll be! Wow!
I had a rather good time in New Jersey, but it's left me aching for the beach and something I can't quite put my finger on. I visited Chris at Border's in between heading home and my removing-stitches-appointment. I think he was pleasantly surprised. I was right. I did miss him.
I'm now trying to get used to being able to type with all ten fingers. It's about as difficult as figuring out how to type with only nine, but I'm getting the hang of it.
I got a card from AmeriCorps in the mail today. It excited me greatly. I filled out more of the application. I need to find out when I'm going to be graduating from Empire so I can figure out what programs I can do at AmeriCorps.
I hope I don't get a $90 fine from the state of Pennsylvania for using 10 pennies along with silver change while paying the toll on 78 to get back to PA. That would suck. My license is already going to be suspended for 14 days in September because of my speeding ticket back in February (New Jersey = bad luck for Emily). All I need now is a huge ass fine for something so stupid as not having enough silver coinage to pay a $0.50 toll. Aaargh.
But it would be funny, eh? Gotta find the humour in it, hm?
Doing laundry. Listening to this bad bad cd a friend of my dad's gave me a long time ago. Gods of London or some shit like that. They're pretty bad. Gotta put in something worthwhile after listening to it. Maybe I'll grab some Blue Meanies. The singer's voice will make up for the blatant mediocrity of the one I just finished listening to.
I've been reading more and more Buddhist literature (by the Dalai Lama .. I really should read some traditional stuff at some point - translated into english, unfortunately) and adoring it more and more. I like things that make sense and aren't all about getting yourself into heaven, or "saving souls" to benefit yourself. Part of why I want to do AmeriCorps is to just help other people and/or the environment. The experience would be wonderful, I know I'd meet interesting people, and there's the possibility of money for school. All good things. All important to me. Helping.
Read buddhism. It'll help you understand.
07:44 p.m.
Saturday, July 28, 2001
observations of the day.
My hair is cool. My head hurts. Menstration sucks. Netscape webmail has again fucked up (hence the reason for me putting my hotmail email address on all my webpages) and won't let me check my account. I'm gonna miss Chris when I'm in Jersey. I am a big dork.
Past couple days have been ok. Didn't go to school yesterday or today. Couldn't see the point. Stupid me.
My head hurts, but I already mentioned that. Getting ready to drive to NJ. Hrm. I'm excited about seeing Paul and Meg. Hopefully I'll meet up with Tom as well. That would be great.
Bought movies (Fight Club, Space Balls, and The Meaning of Life) two days ago while out with buddy Kevin. Chris got his nipples pierced yesterday while I was at work. Rock. I'm gonna go now. I'm being boring.
Rock on with your bad self.
04:13 p.m.
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
hair cut today.
Not that you can really tell. Uh. I'm tired. I was up late last night. Did nothing in school except real "Essential Klimt," which Chris gave me this morning. I read it cover to cover. 250+ pages. Of course, half of that was pictures of his paintings (mmm ... Klimt) but still. That's a lot, right? Yeah.
My counselor doesn't think I need to see her anymore. I agree. that's pretty neat, right? Of course it is. I've thought that for a bit now. Still, we're takin it slow. Starting august, I'll see her every three weeks rather than two, a step down from the weekly visits I was doing a year ago. How exciting.
I miss Chris. Shh .. don't tell.
One of the girls at my school put make up on me today. Yeah, go me. go go me.
That's not a good picture. Neither is this one.
I have nothing worthwhile to add to this weblog today. Damn.
06:57 p.m.
Monday, July 23, 2001
oh yes. yes yes yes.
I have a doctor's appointment at 3 to check out my finger. That gives me 2 minutes to leave.
Went to Chris's yesterday and watched Snatch. Second time for me. Great movie, only now I want to see Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels again.
I did, in fact, play You Don't Know Jack yesterday (and today) and made some vegetarian chili. Good stuff that. I also told Chris my long and convoluted Owen story. Poor Chris.
Now, I need to go to the doctor's, then to work, then home. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
This weekend I go to New Jersey. Thank fuck.
02:23 p.m.
Sunday, July 22, 2001
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw ye-eah!
who got vegan cookies?
I got vegan cookies!
Wha-wha-wiggity ahhh.
Anyway.
Yesterday, Becky (coworker and ex-schoolmate of mine) brought me vegan chocolate chip cookies and some other yummies while I was working. Good Becky. You get a pat on the head.
Old school Steve (as in the guy I've known for 7 years, not the one that lives in Massachusetts) showed up with his girlfriend Annie and their friend/my friend/my ex-schoolmate James. It was neat.
I hit my finger a couple of times at work and it throbbed a lot when I was closing but mostly it was ok. Stupid grr.
Chris was at my house when I got home from work at 12:30. We ended up talking until 4am, which sucked for him because he had to get up at 7. Today's my day off so I slept until noon. Now I think I'm gonna make some vegetarian chili and play You Don't Know Jack.
Yay me!
12:35 p.m.
Saturday, July 21, 2001
Emily : 0. Clumsiness : 3,000,000
Yes folks, that's right. I'm still clumsy. But before I tell the story, stare happily at the picture I have provided you with.
Gross, innit?
So I was at work yesterday. For the first hour I was there, I didn't deal at all with customers. I just did dishes and put a shipment away and whatnot. Truth told, I didn't feel like dealing with my giggly gossipy coworkers. Finally, I emerged from the back/kitchen and there was a customer and none of my coworkers in sight. So I stepped up to the register, took his order (poppyseed bagel and a medium mocha freeze), went to cut the bagel with a nasty serrated knife and sliced right into my finger. Instant lava.
So I was bleeding a lot. Just then one of my coworkers walks over. I show her my finger. I wish I had a picture of the face she made, then the face the floor supervisor made when they saw the blood. Classic.
I was ushered into the break room, where my finger was washed and wrapped in a towel. It bled for four hours. The big bossman, Bob, took me to the emergency room. I was there for three hours. They put three stitches in my finger (I cried hysterically when the doctor injected the anasthetic) while I joked constantly. I guess humour is how I keep my head in unpleasant situations. Apparently the doctor recognized me from Border's, and I now owe him a double latte. Figures.
I had to wear this ridiculous thing on my finger, which really was quite a good idea. It reminded me that I had a very painful wound and should not go about bumping it on things. It also made me look like I was always pointing at someone. Oh boy.
But I got to take it off around noon. I haven't bothered going to school today because I figured I'd be totally useless. Yay uselessness. Besides, I had a relatively good day at school yesterday (had someone request me for a perm and got a $10 tip from it. then I cut Chris' hair and he said he likes it, even though I'm really insecure about it). Wouldn't want to ruin that good feeling with a shit-tastic saturday, right? Besides, I have to work tonight and I don't want to become totally jaded before I even get there. Good excuses, eh? Sure.
Really, I just didn't feel like leaving my bed.
In other news, on Thursday I hung out with a freshman from my school. Devon. She's my friend, April's, ex-girlfriend and knows two semi-exes of mine. It's weird. She's weird. She also annoyed Chris yesterday, which sucks. Boooo. But I got to see April! And it was her birthday! Yay! I missed April terribly.
TANGENT: I am having considerable difficulty typing.
Right. Anyway.
Gonna do stuff now, maybe. Heh. Yep. Listening to Green Day and boy do I like 'em.
Over and out.
12:52 p.m.
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Balancing my checkbook.
Before this weekend, I had $422.66 in my account. How much do I have now? Roughly $150. "Why Emily!" you may be saying, "where did your money go?"
Honestly?
No, really, honestly? You want to know? I'll tell ya. Over a hundred dollars went to buying comics. Yes, comics. I love comics. I got three Kyle Baker graphic novels, a Hellblazer, the newest Transmetropolitan and a Transmet suppliment, Mr. Punch (by Neil Gaiman, which I gave to Chris, because I'm super nice), and the Little Endless Storybook (a Sandman spin off, for Sharyn, because Ithink she'd love it). Mm. Comics.
I also got a fantastic book called "The Last Time I Wore a Dress," those new shoes, art supplies, and new razors and shaving cream (despite the fact that I don't shave my legs, I do shave other areas).
Oh, and I had to put gas in my car today too. So yeah. I can't spend any money for a long time now. THis is the biggest shopping splurge I've had in quite some time. I'm usually incredibly tight with my money, but when I spend it I do spend it well.
Ah, and I suppose things are worked out with Chris. We're "dating without dating" which basically means we don't like to conform or assign labels (and neither of us really wants a significant other despite us pretty much being in love with each other. I could go on, but I hate overusing parantheses, which I already have). Silly us.
I'm hungry. I should eat. I had fun at the comic book store today. The manager was really cool, and he and I and this other guy talked a lot about different good comics/graphic novels. Next paycheck, I'm going back.
Probably. If my asscheeks don't clench my money too tightly, at least.
Oh yay, tomorrow I get to go to court about the five points on my license from my speeding fiasco in February. RAR. Not excited. Grrrrrr.
Today was the most pointless day ever in school. I read three graphic novels and started my new book. Ridiculous yet enjoyable.
And now ... I'm gonna do stuff.
07:29 p.m.
Monday, July 16, 2001
ugh.
got new shoes on Friday. I've wanted them for two years, but they never had them in my size and were always too expensive. However, Chris and I came across them, on sale, in my size, on Friday while we were wasting time before seeing Shrek. Good movie. Good day. Good shoes.
I'm out of sorts right now and struggling with rising melodrama and a lack of perspective. It sucks. And the ramen I'm eating is making me feel ill. And I'm unhappy with Chris and confused about what's going on. Goddamn it. Time for another road trip, I think.
Time for some kind of change, regardless.
Gotta go attempt responsibility. at least a little. A tiny bit. A smidgeon.
Tired and aching in so many ways. Things aren't making sense anymore and I can't understand what's happening. Worse yet, there's no way to really figure it out or explain it. I don't want to make excuses and I don't want to take responsibility for something I didn't do. Can't control.
Things were so much simpler when I was all alone. can I go back? Do I want to? All these questions ..
I don't know what to do. but I want to do something. Anything.
Now, however, I have to go buy some transfer paper and drawing pens and do lots of other stuff. Oh, and a note: It's Jon, not John. That's a reference to previous entries about a frequently mentioned person's best friend. Another mistake made by me. At least it wasn't earth-shaking.
The end.
03:04 p.m.
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
rollercoaster of an Emily life.
Well, it started out interesting to begin with. I sent Chris off to work in my Rage Against the Machine t-shirt. Ha to that. Then I left my glasses and wallet and keys and all in the bathroom while I was changing, during which my brother locked himself into said room to shower. I was, paranoid as I am, convinced I would be late to school because I couldn't get to my stuff. I was devising elaborate plans to get there without my glasses, wallet, or keys. But I didn't have to use any of them, and in fact ended up at school early. Woo.
But first. A conversation.
Jerrod: Chris is my favorite of your boyfriends so far.
Me: He isn't my boyfriend.
J: Then what is he?
E: I dunno.
J: That's good. Let me know when you start calling him your boyfriend.
E: ...
School wasn't bad. Did a perm. It went fine. My client was really cool. She was 80 and talked a lot. Heh!
I've been getting complimented a lot lately ony my style. Aw yeah. Rockin' and rollin' is what I do. Not best, but I do it. Apparently with pizazz.
Also, I saw Final Fantasy today with Carissa. It was completely astounding. See it. See it NOW. Of course, I am rather partial to movies where the majority of the main characters die. Oops, hope I didn't ruin it for you.
Afterwards, Carissa and I went to a diner and I harassed the waiter (who called me sir by accident) as I tried to figure out what I could eat there, as 98% of the menu involved meat, eggs, and/or dairy. Heh! I had fries and a vegetable platter. Mm mm.
When I got home, I found a weird letter involving my insurance, which I then showed my dad. He said I must have filled stuff out wrong on the form, so I showed him the other papers I'd received in the mail ("you aren't covered." "you are covered. we're just not going to tell you how.") which apparently only confirmed his accusation. I am not sure how I fucked it up, since I called my goddamned caseworker and had him walk me through the entire thing. I'm annoyed. can you tell that I'm annoyed? I am. Annoyed.
I realized today that I've had this golly gee weblog for over a year now. Frightening, is it not? I suggest you ignore that there are archives. I strongly suggest this. That's why I'm telling you to ignore them, and provide a link to the left on this page. I make a lot of sense, do I not?
I was just reading through my old archives. I'm not very good at following my own advice. I'm gonna talk about something else now.
When my dad and brother (who is back in Cambridge now) were coming home from Alabama, they stopped in some state where fireworks are legal for we everyday civilians and bought fun explody things. FUN FOR EMILY. We set them off last night. I was at first a failure at bottle rockets, which bought me much mockery from Chris, Jerrod, and daddy dearest. But now I'm a pro. P-R-O. That's short for pro!
Wow. I'm tired. Chris is coming over now. Jerrod mocked me a lot yesterday, and when Chris joined in I hit him with a pan. I feel bad about it. Damnable abusive Emily. Bad.
Degrading. into. nothing. bad. emily. bah!
09:47 p.m.
Monday, July 9, 2001
so I shaved my head ..
Go me.
Now, I sleep.
12:22 a.m.
Sunday, July 8, 2001
My brother is home!
He is visiting!
Yay!
Yay Jerrod!
Anyway. He, my dad, and I went to see Kiss of the Dragon today. Jet Li is king, Bridget Fonda sucks, the director should be nailed to the side of a barn so many people can ponder his existance in this world. But hey, the fighting was excellent.
Work yesterday was alright. Closed with Chris. First time since I've been working at Border's that he and I have been together for more than half an hour. It went well.
Uhh ... looking for stuff to do now. Tired. Stared at stuffed deer heads on a wall today. Was disturbed.
Cut my hair. Weee!! The front is now the same length as the rest of the mohawk, instead of being two inches longer. Except for a tiny piece in the front. Yay me. Next week I'll probably shave it off. Mmm .. head buzzy.
Weird dreams last night about some huge field of energy, aliens, and the aliens carrying stuff from the field of energy that everyone but I could see. Odd.
Ate too many sour patch kids at the movie.
and I'm out.
05:42 p.m.
Friday, July 6, 2001
melancholy, how I've missed ye.
So I met John and he, Chris, and I watched Fight Club (millionth time for all three of us, I believe) and then I stuck around for the beginning of Nightmare before Christmas. Then I went home to sleep. I realized several things, however. Rather than use a listy thing, I'm just gonna start another paragraph.
Ok, hi, this is the next paragraph. The one where I lament. I've been doing that a lot lately, though my weblog may not have noticed. I'm sick right now and am missing school because of it. I slept alone last night, the first time in over a week. It's weird how poorly I first slept with Chris, but I'd gotten used to having him there. It made me rather sad to not have anyone beside me. Ok. So really, Chris is a huge problem with me right now. Not he as a person, but he as an outlet of my emotions, etc. One of the reasons I didn't want a boyfriend is because of the huge attachment I get to significant others. Which is happening with Chris, despite our refusal to date. It's ridiculous. I also realized quite concretely that if I hadn't been spending such a ludicrous amount of time with him, that I'd be spending it all alone. That is really depressing. That is to say, last night I really really depressed myself thinking about all this crap and what a sorry excuse for a life I have. Let me explain. New paragraph.
I'm 20. I live with my dad. I go to cosmetology school, which I don't even care about and just do it because I started it and want to prove everyone wrong by finishing it. I want to live in Chicago, but don't actually think I'll ever manage to do it. The likelihood of me being able to live on my own right now seems very dim. I am in incredible debt. I am awful at keeping friends, but get upset when the people that are my friends feel like they're not being my friends, despite the treatment being mutual. I want to go to art school, but think my art sucks. I want to write, but never do. I only cultivate closeness with people that will soon be leaving me. I work at a cafe, but am vegan and don't drink coffee. Ha. That's just funny.
I have all these ideas, all these plans, that I can't actually see happening. And that's how it's always been. So stop talking, and start doing, right? Stop being a hypocrite. Ugh.
Complaining is so bad.
Excuses are just as bad, if not worse. I don't have any.
I am so fucking tired.
and my dreams are still haunting me.
11:47 a.m.
Thursday, July 5, 2001
I'm not at school right now!
I wasn't feeling well this morning and Chris was too cute for me to leave. So I'm at home now, all snotty and head-achey, talking to people online that I haven't conversed with in quite some time. Excitement!
SNOT. It's infecting my brain and making me very silly. Ach! Work last night was ok. All the fascist bully boys were at the fireworks so it wasn't too busy, despite it raining twice. We got to leave early because we were quick like bunnies in closing. Yeah!
Uh. Today I might actually get to meet Chris's best friend, John. If not, I will at least watch movies with Chris and meet his elusive parents. Wee!
I'm hungry.
And I need to take care of the horses and clean my sister's room.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that my insurance runs out July 11, because I make too much money. Yeah, like $400 a month. Lame.
the end.
02:06 p.m.
Wednesday, July 4, 2001
to all you wacky americans out there:
happy independence day. HA HA BRITAIN. WE SHOWED YOU. FASCISTS.
just kidding. kind of.
anyway, to celebrate this day of my country's independence I have decided to do the following things:
- laundry.
- listen to the Pi soundtrack obsessively.
- eat tortilla chips.
- drink huge quantities of chocolate soy milk.
- retake the color quiz.
- not wear any combination of red, white, and blue.
- go to work.
So really, I'm doing every thing I would normally do on any other day. Except I don't have school because it's a holiday. Woo hoo.
Speaking of which, why do people call it the Fourth of July? We don't call Christmas the Twenty-fifth of December or Easter the Third Week of whenever the hell it is. Don't ask me. It's a bad example.
It all just goes to show how stupid Americans are. Give them their own holiday and we get all lazy and call it by the date, which makes no sense at all. So all this week I've been saying stuff like "Happy First of July, Christopher!" and "Happy Third of July, Christopher!" Today I shall say ... well ... I dunno. I haven't said it yet. I'm not very good at predicting what I'll say or do. Let's see then, shall we?
Oh, and the color quiz was much more accurate this time when I took it. Scarily so, in fact. Check it out. (this time I put the headers in, oo, fancy)
Your Existing Situation
Persistent. Demands what she feels to be her due and endeavors to maintain her position intact.
Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied her.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.
Your Desired Objective
Fascinated by the idea of an idealized association of tenderness and mutual enchantment. Embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly, and so employs cautious exploratory tactics in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that she is neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Your Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She tries to escape from this by withdrawing and protecting herself with an attitude of cautious reserve. Moody and depressed.
Right-o! The "desired objective" was especially correct.
Frightening!
In observation of our grand holiday today, Borders closes at 9 instead of 11! That means I get to close tonight! Woopdedoo! I am so excited! (/sarcasm) Right. So. Yeah. I need to go put my clothing in the dryer, and stick another load in the ole washer. Have fun.
Etc.
02:31 p.m.
Monday, July 2, 2001
uh. not doing much tonight.
Another entry today to make up for the lack of them this week. I'm listening to the Pi soundtrack right now. Chris got it for me (chris chris chris chris chris .. WHAT THE FUCK?!) and I'm in love with it. I did a couple self portraits while listening to it (naked, because I rarely do that) and now took the colorquiz. And it freaked me out considerably. A good portion of it is true. Check it out.
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for the approval and esteem of others.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, leaving her rather isolated in her attachments.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied her.
Wants to prove to herself and others that nothing can affect her. that she is superior to any form of weakness. As a result, she acts with harshness or severity and adopts an autocratic and self-willed attitude.
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety. Desires recognition and position, but is worried about her prospects. Reacts to this by protecting at any criticism and resisting any attempt to influence her. Tries to assert herself by meticulous control of detail in an effort to strengthen her position.
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.
Wacky wacky.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that every day I had work this week, I saw someone there from my past. Travis Scott, from when I was 13, Matt Dunphy, my exboyfriend and old best friend's big brother (also from when I was 13), and John Orkenbjorken (who isn't really from my past-past, but whom I haven't seen in several months). WACKY.
10:38 p.m.
Monday, July 2, 2001
another week went by without an update.
and now I have archived. How exciting.
Uh. I'm not feeling very exciting today. I'll try to run down the week for all that care, and even for those that don't. This is my damn weblog, anyway, and I can say whatever I want. Grr.
Tuesday. School. Hang out with Chris. Home. I might have done other stuff. I can't remember.
Wednesday. School. Work. Chris.
Thursday. School. Chris. Cut Jared's hair at school. Probably hung out with Chris more. I can't remember.
Friday. School. Work. Chris.
Saturday. School. Work until midnight. was supposed to go to Sharyn's housewarming party afterwards, but was too damn tired. so instead Chris and I went back to my house and slept.
Sunday.. Chris all day. Sharyn's. Lake Redman. I Farm show. Mmm ..... I Farm ..... I told them they should come to my house and go swimming, but they said they had to go back to NY that night. Damn. And apparently the singer didn't like AI. Ha. I'm gonna see it anyway.
Monday. That's today. Chris. Cleaned stalls. Brought i nthe horses. Watched Wallace and Gromit with Chris. Took Chris back to Border's, where his car has been since Saturday. He forgot his stuff in my car. The fool. I think I'll clean the stalls again tonight so I don't have to do it tomorrow.
Uh. so my dad left yesterday to go to Alabama with my brother for a family reunion. That means I get to take care of the horses and other sundry animals at my house allll week (the dog and cats). I'm tired. I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts. I have an overdue library book. Blah.
I got my hair colored on saturday (orange mohawk, base of the front purple, orange ends) but all the color didn't take because my hair is so overprocessed. damn. oh well. I won't let it get me down. oh no.
now, I think I will prepare some foods. Mmm food.
goodbye.
06:33 p.m.
