my me / a personal slice

me me me

Saturday, March 31, 2001
it's about time to archive.
I think I will tomorrow, provided I update tomorrow (which I probably will). The index page is getting too too long.
Let's see. Yesterday I went to Towson and met Nairobi's friend Molli at Border's so she could take pictures of me for a paper she's doing on stereotypes. Nairobi told her I'd fit the punk stereotype. Riiiight. Then I went onto ye ole Goucher campus and nabbed Sharyn. I wanted to get tickets for Jets to Brazil at the Record and Tape traders in Towson, but they don't sell tickets at that one, and ONLY that one. Grr. It frustrated me.
Soo .. we got ice cream (peppermint stick with marshmallow topping and rainbow sprinkles) then dinner (burritos). it was good to have sharnedy all to myself for a bit. her sexual exploits right now sound like mine a year ago. she agreed. I just think she'll be less scarred than I was. go her. I'll stick to my current form of self-pleasure, asexuality, and weird weird dreams.
After I dropped Sharyn off at her dorm room, around 8pm, I went to the building where the Gopher Hole (the non-alcoholic bar on campus .. blah blah blah) is. It doesn't open until 9, so I took 1984 with me to read. I ended up talking to the girl at the information desk for a while, then this guy walked up to me. "Emily?" he said. "Yeah?" "I'm Dani, from martly." and I gave him a huge hug. He plays drums for Martly, the band I was there to see... my initial reason for going to Towson that day.
So I went downstairs where the rest of the band was and gave them all hugs. It was great to see them all again. They're such a great group of people, and a wonderful band. I managed to see some of my favorite people walk into the Gopher Hole that night, namely my old friends Sean and Jason (aka bitch ass and jasonbear).
So Martly was awesome as always, even though they didn't play happy birthday for me.
came home. got online for reasons I can't pinpoint. talked to Steve some. went to go to bed and realized I had no where to sleep, provided my mom and her boyfriend really were here (I didn't see their car in the driveway, but that didn't mean anything). So I cleared a little space on my bed (which has been covered with sorted clothing for the past weeks) and slept.
awoke to blood dribbling down my thighs (or thereabouts) around 9am. Dozed. 10am I got up and put my keeper in (which is a damn cool invention). dozed around for a while longer. Went downstairs around 1 because I heard the answering machine beeping. there was a message from Cain, asking me to come over at 5:30 or 6 instead of 2 because he needed sleep (he has weird sleep patterns sometimes). I have no problem with that as I'm not feeling too well and wouldn't be much fun.
tonight, Cain and I will go to Lancaster to see movies with heroes, ran away to sea,Joshua Fit For Battle, XshifterX, The Ultimate Warriors, and The One AM Radio. Pretty exciting business. I'm really going just to hear the first two bands, but shh .. don't tell.
Jared and I were supposed to hang out before the show, but his band is playing afterwards, so he has to set up shit so won't really have time. Eh. at least we're talking again.
So for now, I chill.

01:16 p.m.

Thursday, March 29, 2001
technically, this is the third entry for today..
yowza. to me though, it's really only the second.
so my dear pa-pa put out some live traps and caught two of the evil micies. I admit they work better than the speaker of doom which I used before. He let one out in the barn, and the other I am going to give to my friend April for her snake.
I looked through my old middle school yearbooks today. They are very amusing. I'm amazed by the amount of people whose names I could not remember. It would be really odd to run into any of those people now, since I didn't go through high school with them. That puts it at a minimum of six (maybe seven, I can't count) years since I've seen most of them. Right. anyway.
I got 1984 from the library, and then went to Pequea park, my favorite place to hike. Since it was raining, the entrances were gated off, but I just parked by one of them and walked in anyway. It was really what I needed. the serenity and beautifully grey view of the river, along with the rain just filled me considerably. Put me a bit at peace with things. I didn't want to leave, but I felt I needed to, as the park closed at dusk (though technically it was already closed, as there were no more gates to be put up ..) and it was nearing 5:00. The thing that saddened me most about the place, and many places of nature that are open for people to tramp across, was the amount of graffiti and trash just strewn around. There just seems to be no excuse to me for that sort of thing. I'd like to go there with a trash bag sometime and just pick it all up. argh. another reason to hate the majority of humanity ... bunch of selfish asses.
when I came home I took a bath and started reading 1984. I then decided to gesso and glue layers of newspaper together to see if I could maybe get some sort of serviceable surface to paint on. or draw. whatever. It might work, though it will end up being rather lumpy. I should do paper mache stuff.
err.... yea.. not much else to say. feeling contemplative, though not really in a bad way. something inside gently wants to push itself out, I'm just not sure what or how. gesso on my fingers, shirt, and pants. no surprise.
hm.

08:46 p.m.

Thursday, March 29, 2001
people suck.
I decided, on a whim, to check my email before I headed out to meet J (the internet boy). Actually, I was waiting for my dad to get out of the shower so I could bum some money off of him. but anyway. I checked my email, and lo! this is what I found!

Hi, this is Jasons mom, Cheryl. He called me up a little bit ago and asked if I could send you an email and let you know that he wouldn't be able to come over today. He is out with his brother in court, who was arrested last night. He apologizes for this and said he will email you as soon as he gets in.
Jasons MOm

Isn't that cute? Rather than call ME to let me know, or leave a message on my machine, he calls his mom and has her write me an email. I wasn't even going to check my email today.
So. It's rainy and dreary and I'm in a bad mood and now have nothing to do. Grr on that.
people suck.
the end.

01:34 p.m.

Thursday, March 29, 2001
"and I don't get along with myself ...
and I'm not too keen on anyone else."
soo ... come here often?

ye-e-e-es. finished "songs of love and other crap." The library called today; apparently one of the books I reserved is in. I'm just not sure which, as it was my father who took the call. Oh well. At least I'll have some george orwell.
hrm. I didn't really do anything at all today. well, technically it's thursday, but I haven't slept yet, so it's still wednesday to me. I was gonna go somewhere, but ended up having no where to go, though it would not have been hard to find somewhere if I'd only looked. Which I didn't. so instead I did laundry and sat on my moderate-sized ass all day in front of ye ole computer. That's ok, though. really. I swear.
I talked to my friend Steve tonight (those who know me well know that when I was 13 and 15 I dated a guy named Steve. This is not that steve, though the two do have some things in common which I will not go into at this time). He always gets my brain a-pumpin. makes me think about things I normally wouldn't.
and then later I was wondering if the good things I see in others are just reflections of me. seems like a pretty narcissistic way to think of everything, but it would explain a lot of things (that I don't feel like explaining).
so I guess I'll go pick up that library book tomorrow. I'm also meeting an, er, admirer (?!) of mine tomorrow at a coffee shop. he's one of the guys that contacted me a while ago about my page. this will be the first person I've met that I know only because of one of (or all of) my webpages. All the other weirdo internet crazies (as they all inevitably are, including myself and all other people that use the internet) I've met in person I've known through message boards or lame-o "meet people" services where you make lame-o profiles and shizit like that.
argh! it's late! Why am I still awake?!
I dunno. talking to my old old friend chris and my new new friend dan. wishing I could go to boston. having no place to stay because my brother is "remodelling" and says there's no room.
fuck that. I'd make room. it just pisses me off. and it hurts too. fucking selfish family. fucking selfish self. fuck fuck fuck.
the end.

12:36 a.m.

Tuesday, March 27, 2001
holy begeezus!
jared and I are speaking to each other again! will miracles never cease? so all the people I haven't really talked to since december (or before, in some cases) I am now talking to again. amazing!
I had to get up early to go to my counseling appointment today, and it just ended up pissing me off. stupid fucking counselor. I want my old one. he ruled. anyway.
I went to the library yesterday and reserved Animal Farm and 1984. I also returned some book for my dad, which is rather embarassing as he reads romance novels whose audience is usually limited to wistful housewives and bitter spinsters. I am neither of those, though I may be bitter, I don't seek to drown out my bitterness in hoardes of poorly written romance novels about rugged charming men that are disgustingly masculine and pure fantasy. Maybe my dad's really gay.
at the moment I'm having an amusing conversation with my friend mike, (not the ones I've mentioned before .. a different mike) about him being married. ahem.

me: I have trouble understand the whole WANTing kids thing
mike: i need someone to take out the garbage, walk the dog, etc.
mike: yet who i don't have to pay
me: hahahahahah
mike: actually, i hear they are great chick magnets :-)
mike: not to mention the tax deduction
mike: so as you can see, there are many reasons :-)
me: too bad you have a wife, eh?
mike: that's not how i would phrase it, since i want to stay alive :-)
me: that's right, bitch
mike: lol
mike: i count myself very fortunate :-)
me: if I ever get married, I hope my significant other is as whipped as you are
mike: it takes time, but i am confident of your abilities
me: hahahha
mike: what makes me whipped? my undying loyalty? :-)
me: err ... your unnatural fear of your wife
mike: i am not really that afraid, just in love. but it's more difficult to come up with clever remarks on that theme :-)
mike: "I wouldn't phrase it that way, since i am in love" -- see, it's not as funny :-)
me: uh huh.

and there you go. my intellectual conversation. ye-e-es.
I've been working on a mix tape called "songs of love and other crap." it's interesting. I'll leave it at that.
still sick, sore, and annoyed at the world. signing off.

01:55 p.m.

Monday, March 26, 2001
I think I will go to the library today.
in this manner I will find more books to add to the collection of too many books I am already reading. Right now I am in the middle of several Dalai Lama books, "Dracula" by Bram Stoker, "Red Mars," a few Stephen King books (I just leave them laying about), some zines, random books I start and then forget about ... like "Drawing on the right side of the brain" and "the ABCs of Anarchy." It's kinda funny. But really I just want to find "1984" and read that.
I make a short appearence in the AIM weblog maim. All I wanted was for Neil to read man beef which is a fake cannibalism site. I guess he thought it was gay porn. I dunno. He's weird.
Errrrrrr. I had weird weird dreams last night and made myself stay in bed until 2 this afternoon, though I was awake at 10. I dozed a lot until then, and read "Dracula" some more. I hunted around in the paper for some jobs. they were advertising a position for the easter bunny. I wanna be the easter bunny. MUWAHAHAHAHHA.
ye-e-e-es. I started reading friend bear today. Way too amusing.
I think I'll go to the library now and ponder my existance.
or ... just go to the library.
I turn 20 in nine days and counting.

04:29 p.m.

Sunday, March 25, 2001
and I don't miss you ... much.
back home today. Got here around 5 this evening. Had fun in pittsburgh. single moment of weakness culminated in me kissing matt very briefly once. very random. the worst kiss I've ever given, probably. didn't matter. I slept on the futon the entire week though matt repeatedly offered the use of his bed (with him in it, of course).
so his cats made me pretty sick, what with my allergies and all. yay fuckin yay. I think I picked up some other illness as well, but I couldn't really tell because of the whole allergy thing.
so that whole "what am I doing with my life" thing started popping up in my head again. I turn 20 in ten days. fuck.that. I have that directionless thing going on right now. I go back to school April 19 and I don't know if I even care. Well, I know I don't care. I want to go to Boston and Washington state and California. I wanted to travel. that was why I took this time off. that and I was going insane. I just don't care. ouch.
I don't really want to move, I just don't want to stay here. I'd rather just travel around adn write and do art type things. Apparently life doesn't work that way, and I don't think that's very fair. why shouldn't people be allowed to do what they want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone?
specifically me.

08:39 p.m.

Saturday, March 24, 2001
netscape 6.0 is ugly as sin
I downloaded it to see if I could check my mail using it instead of internet explorer (since IE was being uncooperative) and it worked. But damn is it ugly.
So I had 115 messages in my inbox because I hadn't checked it since Wednesday. I'm on two mailing lists that put out practically daily messages, then a couple lists for bands. I think there were about six real messages from people actually talking to me, and three of them were from the same person.
damn.
pittsburgh is ok. went to a silly show last night. wee laaa

01:37 p.m.

Thursday, March 22, 2001
why does the internet hate me?
Apparently because matt told it to.
bastard.
I can't check my email because the internet hates me. or something along those lines. anyway, I took an uneventful drive to pittsburgh last night around 5:30, got here around 10, chilllled. rar.
it rained. it snowed. hell, it fogged. I cursed the existance of matt, the weather guy, the environment, and all things in between. not to mention the huge fucking trucks I had to pass in the little narrow highway I was on. I especially cursed them for not being in the right lane like they were supposed to be. my god, I'm babbling.
So. Allergies aren't so bad when the cats are cute. I really must admit that. Plus I watched clerks and mallrats last night, then almost famous today. and get free food. it rocks. pittsburgh's not too shabby. matt's a nice guy. the cats rule, though my head wants to eat them whole because of the way they make it feel. I WILL SURVIVE! I AM A SURVIVA.
err .. but it would be nice if I could check my email.
so fuck you, internet gods. You give me so much, you help me become dependent on you for my day to day contacts with people who also have no life, then you take it all away.
cruel, cruel internet. you are so cruel.
the end.

10:43 p.m.

Wednesday, March 21, 2001
I feel like shit.
I haven't been sleeping enough the past three days and now my head feels awful, I'm tired, and my heart is doing weird jumpy things. grr. and I'm supposed to drive 5 hours to visit matt and I just don't want to. I was supposed to leave an hour and a half ago. I'll probably fall asleep on the way there and die.
darn.
I don't know what else to say. I'm hosting a fusion strip. It's fun. I just passed on the panel to #3. Seven more to go after that. weelaa.
gonna go now. fuck.

01:20 p.m.

Tuesday, March 20, 2001
"i need a good scare to keep me in line ... "
when I went to baltimore yesterday, I picked up "narcolepsy" by Plow United. I had it, and their other stuff, on a tape my sister made for me, but a tape player ate it. I'm surprised I didn't cry. It was one of my favorites.
I hung my show today at my old highschool, YCDS (york country day school .. yes I went to private school the last four years of my forced school career). Two paintings, two charcoals, three pen drawings. Alex helped me hang it because when I hang stuff I tend to do it all completely crooked and unlevel. I have no eye for that sort of thing. *sigh!*
So it turned out alright. I went to Lake Redman afterwards with the intent to draw, and instead just played on the swings and contemplated my brokenness. It was a little depressing. boo hoo.
Then I came home and called Steve, a guy who wrote to me randomly one day with whom I've cultivated a bit of a friendship. Ok, more than a bit of one, but still. the idea is there. he and I talked and I felt better. I am an introspective Emily today for some reason. While I talked to him I painted this in india ink.
yes. introspective. yesterday I went to baltimore and hung out with Nairobi, his friend Jenny, and his roommate Matt. It was interesting. i had fun, though things got weird after we finished watching one of my young ones vids. Jenny was sick and started being really fucking odd, then matt and nairobi went and started drinking reject jello shooters (ie goo ... too much vodka was put in so it didn't solidify properly) and then started hitting on me like mad. I guess they were making up for not really hitting on me the entire day. I got out of there kinda faster than I was planning.
then I got lost trying to find the highway because I'm a directionless moron sometimes. It was an adventure and a half, I assure you.
when I got home I was going to go right to bed, but instead I got online and saw steve. and then called steve. and talked to steve for hours. I am insane.
hm. drew pictures today at school -(the quality is crappy) and a few days ago on a post it note.
ermm. don't feel like writing anymore. too inside of myself I guess. booo ... booo .... I feel so dark and mysterious and kind of foolish.
blah.

07:27 p.m.

Sunday, March 18, 2001
the three minute update!
I'm making ramen and have three min utes! eek!
ok. so I chilled around home for a bit today. I got online of course, then decided the internet was being boring today so I went on a walk and rediscovered my love of nature in the woods by my house. While I was walking around the paths I used to love so much (*wipes away a tear* har har I am emo) I found a tire swing! A TIRE SWING!!! IN MY WOODS!! So I played on it. Of course. Duh.
also while Iwas chillin in the woods I found part of a broken branch so I stripped all the bark off it because I am easily amused.
er. THen I came back into the house and still wanted to do stuff. I got online for a little, then got in my car and went to the video store and talked to my kind of friend Conor (we were in a band together and he's forrest's friend) ah!!! buzzer beeping for ramen!!!
anyway, I talked to conor (the flavor packet is being absorbed into the ramen, shlurp) and then went and picked out a movie. It took me a long time, but I finally decided on Rosemary's Baby because I've heard good scary things about it. Plus it involves a pact with the devil, and how can anything involving the devil be bad? ha, I'm funny.
I'm gonna eat now! yeah! food! I read drew.corrupt.net too much again today! weee!!!

08:52 p.m.

Sunday, March 18, 2001
shane just left.
He IMed me last night (always a weird way to communicate with him, since we've only talked that way 4 or 5 times) and asked if he could bring my stuff over today. I wasn't planning on being home, and told him so. Of course, I ended up being here because I slept in and didn't make it to UUCY(unitarian universalist congregation of york) as I'd planned.
He knocked while I was reading the comics. I opened the door and said, \"I thought you were going to let it grow,\" and pointed at his shorn hair. \"I changed my mind.\" he replied and handed me a brown paper bag, rolled at the top. I put it on the counter and went back to my spaghetti making. He stood there. \"Ok,\" I told him. He said something like, \"Is that all?\" and I said, \"yes.\" he left.
Very tense, very strange. When I looked outside, his truck was gone.
He acted like he expected things with us to be ok and was frustrated when I didn't ask him to stay or try to start a real conversation. I don't like him. I didn't want to see him. I have been hurt by him and two weeks of not talking isn't going to heal that. I don't think anything really will. You can't heal character flaws. I have already worked on eradicating the bits of him from my life. Things like emails and the flowers he gave me have been disposed of. I almost threw away the note he had in the bag, it was so awful and bland, but I kept it. I may burn it later.
anyway ... the parade ... it was good. It was fun. I found the coffee shop where we were supposed to meet and waited with some interesting people (the yo-yo man and his wife) for everyone else to show up. Some of those may day fairy festival people are down right strange and you know I tell the truth. Just bizarre. Like the type of people you imagine that would dress up as fairies and not be embarassed by it. They are either very very cool or frighteningly off-kilter. I'm not really sure what that says for me, so I just won't think about it.
Right, so, it was drizzling but the parade was still on. My head got very good and ice-like, as did my hands. Yet still we persevered and ended up winning \"best of float\" and had a grand ole time. Apparently I ended up being on the news twice (maybe three times, depending on how which hours they decided to talk about the st. patrick's day parade) because my dad would yell \"HEY EMILY YOU'RE ON TV\" everytime he saw it. Neat. I'm sure I looked rightfuly silly.
as for now, I am eating spaghetti (not enough sauce) and drinking chocolate soy milk (from the half gallon container) and trying to remember how to get to the place I want to go to hike, and whether or not I would have enough time to make driving 45 or so minutes there worth it.
oh. and I had a strange dream last night.
ee-magine that.
I dreamt there was some kind of party going on at my house. At the beginning of it, there weren't a lot of people around, so some of us were watching some weird movie on TV. It was about an evil dismembered hand (*cough* evil dead 2 *cough* idle hands *cough*) and was to be shown in three parts over the course of, surprise surprise, three days. We saw the first two segments through that grand way dreams have of randomly spinning you forward through time. By the second day the party was jumping and it was darkish and lots of people were there. Also in the way dreams have, the hand had become part of reality rather than just part of a TV show. Some idiot there wanted to give it to his gold fish, only then the goldfish would become evil and probably kill everyone. I don't remember what he did with the hand at that point, though it resurfaced later.
I went into my room and there were a lot of people there. I didn't mind for some reason. A few girls were putting on make up and I looked at them funny. They told me I could be raelly pretty if I put make up on and I more or less told them I didn't care. The one girl was saying that she wanted to set me up with one of her friends and again I said I didn't care. She started putting make up on me, so I let her. Then I took this brush of powder and put it all over my face. I went into the bathroom down the hall and started filling the sink with water so I could wash off my face. while the sink was filling, Gable (whom I'd been talking to earlier in the living room) came in with the possessed hand. I slammed the door on him repeatedly but he finally got in. I turned the water to the sink off as it was getting frighteningly full. I emptied most of the water out, then refilled it a little with hot water. I looked like I had mud all over my face from the make up the girls in my room had put on me. As I washed it off, I talked to Gable, though I don't remember what we discussed.
After I was done washing my face, one of the girls came into the bathroom and told me that the guy she wanted to set me up with was in my bedroom (still with all the other people that were in there before). I was vaguely worried he wouldn't be interested since I'd taken off all the god awful make up (since guys must like that sort of thing, or so the make up chicks thought). I tried to open my door, but they wouldn't let me in. I finally forced open the door and screamed for everyone to get out of my room. They didn't listen of course. The music stopped. I yelled some more, though jokingly this time, and the music started up again. There was a disco ball hanging from my ceiling and a lot of people in my room, including a group of black guys. One of them was the guy the make up chick wanted to set me up with. He had long black and silver hair, and bangs. It was like a girl's hair cut. He did some funny dance to weird music and I was alittle freaked out. I don't remember what happened then .. I think I left.
I know at some point when I was sleeping I dreamt about riding horses, but I don't remember anything about it, except that I did. It might have tied in with the whole possessed arm out to kill and possess everything deal, but I can't remember.
so yeah. this is a funny site, especially because I don't know what is being said.
and away I go. Perhaps I'll go hiking. Perhaps I will not. I would like to go outside though. Outside would be nice.
the end.

02:08 p.m.

Saturday, March 17, 2001
stupid inability to sleep ...
I guess since I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day yesterday, my body didn't feel like staying asleep for more than 4 hours last night. I went to bed around 1 am after talking to Matt on the phone. I fell asleep without much trouble, I just couldn't stay asleep. I don't actually have to be up until 9am today, but I woke up around 4:30. Sometimes the strange sensation of my hairless head wakes me up, but it doesn't hurt as much now (I guess I forgot to mention that the other night I decided to take a shower at 2am and while I was in the shower I decided it would be fun to take a razor to my head. so most of my head is hairless now, though I didn't do it all because it started to hurt. I am a foo')
right, so, I got to Reader's Cafe last night without much trouble, just a wee bit of annoyance as the directions I scrounged up off the internet were unsurprisingly bad. The cafe was really awesome though .. basically a book store where you could sit down and eat and drink good stuff. too bad it's an hour or so away from me or I'd be sorely tempted to go there more often.
in other Emily news, Emily kitsune, a person I met on the message board at diesel sweeties and I are going to start a site called Emily (or something like that). It's going to feature comics and stories about emilies, by emilies. Should be exciting. It will be hosted by waferbaby and will be found at emily.waferbaby.com when we get some content. For now it's just a directory listing of nothing. Weehoo!
I've rather run out of things to say. except that I guess I'll get poor directions off the internet again so I can find the coffee shop I'm supposed to go to today to meet fairy festival people again before the parade (though it's drearily overcast and I'm a bit scared the parade will be postponed). at least my wings are done. perhaps I'll take pictures of them later and link them.
cheers!
07:29 a.m.

Friday, March 16, 2001
goddamn I am in a bad mood..
not bad so much as a lack of anything in the \"good\" mood field.
I got up at 11:40 to leave at 12 for my counseling appointment. I was 12 or 13 minutes late and my counselor wouldn't see me. So I left and came home and slept for a long while and dreamt.
I dreamt that I was driving somewhere and got lost. I didn't know what state I was in. Many adventures followed, some illegal, some just weird. I ended up in a big house with a lake on either side, thinking I was in love with a boy I'd met before. He was beautiful. He kissed like someone I knew it real life, sweetly, with just his lips. He was an artist and I was embarrassed about showing him any of my art because he was so much better than me. There were almost always lots of people in the house. One day, they all left, and he came over to me and said, \"I have a christmas present for you but you have to promise not to choke on it,\" and took off his pants. (weird weird weird) he had a huge penis. It was absurd. I took off my shirt and we were about to do something when we looked out the window and noticed the poeple that had just left were coming back. We fumbled very badly with our clothing for what seemed like an eternity, certain we'd get caught in a compromising situation, but finally got dressed. A horde of people came in and they all went swimming. I didn't really see my boy any more after that and instead pursued a beautiful girl. I was not the only one who wanted her, as she already had a huge annoying girlfriend and another girl who was my friend that liked her. We went to the hot girl's apartment, which she kept with her girlfriend, and tried to break them up. We couldn't figure out why the hot girl was with the other girl, as the other girl had no class at all. While the girlfriend was in the bathroom, the hot girl untied the top of her dress coyly and nearly made me faint. My friend looked away. We then sat there as the girlfriend gave the hot girl a card that had originally been intended for someone else. I whispered, \"why are you with her?\" and she just smiled.
I don't remember what else happened in the apartment, but out side of it were these really awesome penguins that were small and fuzzy and liked being thrown. It was rather cute.
Finally I realized I knew where I was but didn't want to go home.
and now I feel sad.
I have to find my way to Reader's cafe in hanover so I can see the fairy festival people, but Ihave a feeling I'll be quite late. Alas and alack sometiems I suck.
and away.
984777992

Thursday, March 15, 2001
y'know, it's kind of weird that I went from not being home for up to three days at a time ..
to being home constantly. I had so much responsibility (school, work, boyfriend) and in a week, a week, I lost it all. Or got rid of it. Regardless, it was gone. February was quite a month ...
So I'm still working on my wings. Right now I'm embroidering spiral patterns on the tips of them. God. I must be bored.
gotta check the water for my spaghetti .. weee ..
*10 minutes later* mm. spaghetti.
chris came over today and I bleached his hair. That means I got up before 5pm. Four hours earlier, in fact! AMAZING. He told me that Lyla and Joe broke up the weekend after Joe got pissed that lyla was spending so much time with Shane. HMM. Guess I can call that shit pretty well .. ugh.
So now I've been thinking about Shane and how weird it all is. How close I was to loving him and how interchangable love is with hate. How close I am to hating him. Or at least his personality.
rar.
I think I make things harder on me than they need to be. It's like I have passive-aggressive innards but my personality is all aggression. So I put out an air of doing things and have all the dreams, but inside I just cower and so end up doing nothing.
I've been scared for as long as I can remember. Seriously. Since I've been able to write to express myself, I've written about the fear. You think as you get older, things like that will go away. You leave problems now for your future self to solve, but that's just another way of saying you screw yourself over. Constantly. Consistently. because you expect problems to just solve themselves, or for some amazing solution to appear. I think that's something I'm gonna have to realize I can't do anymore. It's up there with taking responsibility for myself, my actions, and my life. If only other people would be willing to do that, as well.
Respect. R-e-s-p-e-c-t. It's what is totally lacking among most humans I know and most of society. Ok, all of society. people not respecting other people's right to be people. rar. It annoys and saddens me. and that's all I can really say about it right now.
hrm. I think I'll work more on my wings now and contemplate my diminishing want of the male population, and the growing need to meet a nice girl. Like the one I dream about sometimes.

Oh. it's the ides of March. that can only mean one thing. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARYN. She's 20 now. Go you.
06:53 p.m.

Wednesday, March 14, 2001
I LEFT THE HOUSE TODAY
It is a miracle! A gosh-derned miracle!
I left the house everybody, I LEFT THE HOUSE! I got in my car and I drove to the grocery store and bought a huge carton of chocolate soy milk! And root beer! and apple and bananas! I was going to buy bread, but they didn't have the kind my dad usually eats, and you know, it's his house so I needed to get the bread he liked. And I got oriental ramen -- the brand that DOESN'T have beef flavoring!
I RULE
Anyway. Then I went to my friend's parents' house because last time I was there I forgot my super duper really special e-lectronic organizer. I think it fell out of my bag. It was probably bored with me because I never put anything in it because I never do anything. Yeah. So I talked to Mike and Debi (those are the parental people's names) for a while because I'm actually better friends with them than I am with their son. Then I came home and realized I'd forgotten to get the mail and paper and in the mail was a letter from Empire Beauty School telling me I suck because my attendence has been so bad. I guess when I go back I can't miss any more school. Hm. I did it once, I can do it again.
*gulp*
Anyway ... I'm makin fairy wings! Tra la la look at me I'm a farkin fairy! WEe wee ha ha ha ha. Yeah.
Tomorrow I will bleach my friend Chris' hair because I told him I would. I HAVE A FRIEND
Aaaahhh!!!!!!!

09:42 p.m.

Wednesday, March 14, 2001
the mice are getting bolder ...
one of them creeped up under the computer screen and peered at me as I paroused the world wide web (www for you dumb geeks, der). The micies have probably been plotting my revenge ever since I trapped one in the computer speaker which isn't nearly as difficult as it sounds.
I feel like insulting everyone as it's nearly 5am and I meant to go to bed 5 hours ago, at least. Not only that, I've been reading drew.corrupt.net for several days now and it's starting to affect my psyche.
yaaaaaarrrrrrr
I ... did ... stuff .. today. Started actually working on my fairy wings. you could ask me about them via email, aol instant messenger (horned chaos) or ICQ (16345907). BECAUSE I AM ON THE INTERNET CONSTANTLY.
I've been thinking about going back to school early, since I've neither found a job or a place to go. I suck. That's how bored I am. Yet I do nothing to remedy the stupid situation I am in. Der!
I was looking at webcams on makeoutclub today, because that's one of the things I do when I get bored now that punkrock.net is gone. Anyway. I stumbled upon this guy Adam's webpage. It's neat. I am such a dork I read the source code for half of it so I could see how he did it. HTML crew 4-eva. He must htink I'm a moron though because I didn't realize he'd done it in HTML so I wrote to him and said something about how my pages were just done in HTML and Iwanted to learn more languages. I think I was condescending to the great HTML god. Oh well, he didn't really talk to me at all anyway.
I realize I'm not making sense. Forgive me. Wait, no, it doesn't really matter. The difference between now and me being awake is that for some reason when I'm tired and stoked on root beer I am more willing to admit that I'm not making sense. Kind of. Or I more blatantly do not make sense.
I was going through old emails and whatnot today (because that's another thing I do when I don't feel like doing anything seriously constructive) and found email from this guy sam who drew me a neat thingy for Valentine's day last month. He was my fake internet boyfriend for a week or two because we're silly like that. Then our romance was shattered when he did not share my adoration for joel in diesel sweeties. But now I wrote to him and asked him to run away with me, as he is britich and therefore inevitably insane.
just kidding. It's the americans that are crazy. hence me.
So this entry is really just being a whole lot of links. I wrote to mustek to see if I can get the software to install the crappy old scanner I've had sitting around for a couple years now, since I lost the old cd for it. I want to be able to scan in some of the goofy stuff I've done and restart my Angry Moe comic. That would keep me busy for a while, right?
In other news, I've made a dollar thirty-something at themestream so you should problably go subscribe to my articles and make me some more money, bitch.
Yes indeedy. My dad is going to indiana AGAIN to take MORE junk to my mom (wait, I mean furniture, not junk) so I have the house to myself tonight (well, now it's this morning) and for wednesday. Not that that will change the way things usually are, but hey. Gotta look for the good things, roight?
ye-e-e-es.
and away! I! GOOOO!!!!!

04:53 a.m.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001
"my worst nightmares became real .."
I got so scared that I forgot my name.
Yes, alkaline trio, you are the forever pick me upper.
I saw the movies "soylent green" and "yellow submarine" (hey, that rhymed!) last night with Chip. I liked the idea behind soylent green, but it could have been made and filmed in such better ways. actually, I would have liked to see it filmed in the b/w silent movie context. Or as an indie film, rather than letting hollywood now remake it.
as for yellow submarine .. I was amused. I've never been on drugs, but I get an inkling as to what it may be like from that movie.
Chip started hitting on me again, so I asked him to stop. I think it resulted in him not walking me to the door for the first time ever. I don't know when I'll see him again.
But, well, I don't think Chip's ever really paid attention to me. It seems that all the assumptions he makes are wrong. I don't agree with some of the things he does, and my ability to suspend my disbelief is rapidly wearing thin. So maybe this distance now is for the better. I thought there were no romantic notions between us, but now that I brought it up it seems there were.
alas and alack I wish I had known.
ah~! gotta go!

08:24 p.m.

Sunday, March 11, 2001
a friend sent me a poem he thought I'd like.
It's by Tim Burton. I love Tim Burton.

Voodoo Girl

Her skin is white cloth
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has a beautiful set
of hypno-disk eyes,
the ones she uses
to hypnotize guys

she has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance
she even has a zombie
who was orginally from France

but she knows she has a curse on her
a curse she cannot win
for if someone gets
too close to her

the pins stick further in.

from the Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories

Weelaah. You know, for a couple days I got joyously optimistic and happy with a lot of aspects of my life. I don't know what happened or why I pogo back and forth so much. It's annoying, but it's gotten to the point where I sink deep I realize that the depression is temporary. That's a pretty big step for me. It's kind of cool. Yay me.
Lately people have been trying to convince me I shouldn't be sad like I am. I don't think I can help it, but maybe I can. I'm not sure. I should probably do something .. you know ... motivational. or something. yeah.
hm. I've been working on this for 3 hours now and still haven't finished. I keep getting distracted. I drew a picture and it's pretty silly.
I've kind of stopped writing poetry. It doesn't mean much to me anymore. I never took it very seriously .. just as an expression. so now I don't really want to write anymore because it just all sounds the same and keeps meaning less and less to me.
weee
yeaaah
alright.
fuck.
10:03 p.m.

Friday, March 9, 2001
well, the day started out alright ..
I'm not being sued anymore. That's awfully nice. the matter was settled out of court, though it took three years for that to happen. Stupid car accidents.
I haven't done anything today, which is a shame, because I wanted to. I didn't even make it into my old high school. I went to bed at 3am and left bed at 3pm. That in itself should have been an indication for how I'd feel the rest of the day.
Sad. Icky. Depressed. etc.
It would be nice to have someone hold me and watch movies with me. I hate that romantic notion, though.
been listening to jets to brazil all day. THat probably doesn't help at all with my mood.
especially sweet avenue.
my head aches. I wrote another article for themestream. insane.
maybe I should take a bath. and find directions to places I'm going tomorrow.
fuck.

08:49 p.m.

Friday, March 9, 2001
what a constructive day!
Ok, kind of. I matted more of my little drawings, hung around with alex, took him to his jazz band rehearsal, hung around with him some more, went to Border's, met with Carissa, read stuff at Border's, saw "Snatch," then wrote another article for themestream. Whew! Fun!
"Snatch" was really good, except that it was exactly like "Lock, Stock, and 2 Smoking Barrels." That's ok, though. Really. They're good movies. Very creative, etc etc.
I'm tired. My head hurts. Writing themestream articles eats my creativity. sorry folks.
though, I admit, my mother's comments at the end of my articles is rather pissing me off. She likes to play the victim, even in things where she isn't actually mentioned or fully involved. I guess she doesn't want to look bad in front of a lot of strangers she'll never ever even have hopes of seeing.
A shame, since that was obviously my intention and all. I hope she stops feeling the need to give people guilt trips all the time some day. It would be a great relief for me, and probably facilitate conversations with her, and even make them more frequent.
amazing how that works. I've noticed people would rahter hang out with/talk to/engage in meaningful relationships with people that make them feel good, rather than people that are always putting them on guilt trips or playing the victim.
Remember that, ok? I'll try it, too.
Positive reinforcement, people. Positive.

01:47 a.m.

Thursday, March 8, 2001
I haven't felt like writing the past few days.
I don't know why. I just don't feel like it.
Matted stuff today at school. Hung out with chris. Came home. Chris came over after school. I did art stuff and his feet fell asleep. He kind of bored me.
hm. Saw alex at school. He and sharyn broke up. Weird. It was good to see him. re-affirmed friendship.
beast.
let's see. what else. I was informed that joe (lyla (the girl that shane is with constantly who I thought was having some sort of affair with shane)'s boyfriend) got pissed at lyla and told her she was spending too much time with shane.
That's weird. At least I'm not the only one who feels that way. *shrug* but my jealousy runs deep. I try to avoid it.
hung out with chip yesterday after my counseling appointment. well, yesterday, as in the 6th. since I'm writing this at 1am on the 8th. keep that in mind, ok? anyway. we hung out and it was fun and we made artsy pictures for each other. He read my tarot cards and they said all the things I know I should do -- stop obsessing over money, accept the past and leave it where it should be, a great change is coming, jump at any oppurtunity that comes by.
Will do.
Then when I went to leave, he asked me to kiss him. I said no, but then said I'd give him a little kiss. It was just kind of odd. I don't know what's been up lately. I don't really ever even flirt with chip. We dated a year ago, so I thought that it was all over. Seriously.
Boys are really weird.
hm. I'm being boring tonight. I'm in a weird sort of mood. Tired. Guess I should sleep. argh.
Things are happening, slowly, rotation by rotation .I can't wait to see the finished picture.

addendum : a student from a school in ontario emailed me today about an article she's doing for her paper about web journals. I'm so lucky. I answered some questions for her. It was neat. I'm so easy to please.
Also, I wrote another article for themestream. here it is, about my mental ward excursion in november '99.
cheers.

1:00 a.m.

Tuesday, March 6, 2001
hey, neat!
I went to themestream.com and registered so I could vote on some warren ellis articles, and realized I could have my own weekly column and random articles.
Boy! What a great day!
I'd do it for free, but if registered users read my articles (or my column, called slip ups and beat downs) I get paid $0.02 for each page view.
Now that's pretty nifty.
So please, Subscribe to articles by me.
And tell all your friends. And make sure you're all registered users.
Thanks. Rock on.

01:50 a.m.

Monday, March 5, 2001
amazing!
Shane sent me a really mean email today.
He's really good at misconstruing things. *cough*hypocrite*cough*
ok. Here it goes. the email from shane.

You know what? I mean what I said in that email. For some reason, you don't believe me. Get a life! I don't give a shit, okay! All you've ever done is get offended at me, blame your problems on me, expect other people to fix your shitty life. Well, fuck you. Is all you want to do hurt other poeple who care about you?? Why don't you grow up?! Take some responsibility for your own life in more than name only. Try to be someone, for pete's sake, instead of just being an angry reaction to other people and events. There's a whole shitload of good stuff you're capable of. Life is exciting and difficult enough without melodrama. You're right--you need to be away from me, and vice versa. I can't be a part of your created melodrama bullshit anymore. Get over it. This is rediculous and a stupid game to make a big deal out of leaving me good bye letters that end in "i love you", then telling me you don't want to see me and vice versa; then wanting to go see a comedy together(?), to crying in my parking lot because of something you're jealous of, then not wanting to see me, then writing me some poem as a poor and over-dramatic substitute for actually communicating, to again telling me I'm a sorry bastard in not so many words. What the FUCK?! I care, but I don't need all this shit in my life. It's contrived and immature, and just false. I'm tired of being a part of it, adding to it, helping creat it, whatever. So, go do Emily things--I miss them load, but the rest of this dross covering you up sickens me. I'm truly sorry I've participated in it. I won't anymore.
Shane.

You know, I've been getting a lot of this sort of thing lately. Ok, not really. Heh.
tsk tsk. Shane lost his head ... as though he didn't do that every time we talked anyway. I'm thinking he should take a whopping spoonful of his own advice. I suppose he has some valid points, but it's just really damn hard for me to take any of them seriously in that context.
Ok, moving right along ... I actually started cleaning my room and bathroom today. Amazing! I found some old stories I wrote for my creative writing class my senior year in high school. I might type them up and stick them on my webpage. Perhaps I will do that today. Perhaps not. I am a bundle of chaotic which-ways! Who knows what I'll do next?!
Ok yeah. I read my horoscope today, in the newspaper, and it was also amazing. This day is just shaping up awesomely! This is what my horoscope says, "Getting out the door could take talent [which makes sense, SINCE IT SNOWED]. If you can loll around this morning, do so [I do that every morning]. Consider today a health day [uhh ... will do]. Explore the internet [SCORE!] or think about ways to get your life to reflect your fantasies [that one could be tricky...]. Dig in to your imagination for answers. Your finances stabilize [it's about damn time]. Tonight: A lazy night, please [like every night for me isn't lazy]."
It's like they just reached into my head and made a horoscope all for my. *wipes away a tear*
I've been thinking about maybe going to Boston for a little bit. I had wanted to do that last summer, but then started cosmetology school instead. I think I'll write to my brother and see about it .. maybe spend my birthday there. I'm just basically sick of being where I am now.
I think there was more I wanted to say, but the shock of that email kinda wiped it away in waves of mirth, etc. If I remember, I'll be sure to add an addendum or some such thing.
For now, ciao.

02:07 p.m.

Sunday, March 4, 2001
fuckin' exes ...

shane is lame. End of story. He needs to leave me alone for a while. can't get over someone if they're always trying to talk to you ...
I think I was happy with him for two weeks. the first two weeks. the rest of the time was me convincing myself I was happy, because I wanted to be. that's the worst reason to have a relationship.
not only that, it seems like he can't see beyond his own perspective. It drives me crazy. at least the other people I've dated who were selfish have admitted to being selfish. but shane outrightly denies it. I know I'm selfish. I know I get defensive. I at least am aware of my flaws. christ.
anyway. this is just pissing me off. moving on ...
we were supposed to get six inches of snow today. what did we get? freezing rain. FUCK freezing rain! I wanted snow! I wanted to go sledding and make an obscene snow person to offend my father with. or to amuse myself. or, luckily, both.
I'm tired. I've done nothing all day. Maybe I'll do something tomorrow. .. like clean my room. though really, that's about as likely as me DATING AN UNSELFISH CARING SENSITVE ROMANTIC BOY.
but, like I say, I'm not bitter.

11:54 p.m.

Saturday, March 3, 2001
ah yes, how nice it is to be smacked in the face by my past from time to time.
I went to the show with Cain today. Amazingly enough, I actually got to his house early. This is unusual for me. The show was 6 bands, starting at 4, at the Scout House in Shrewsbury, by the playground. To kill time, Cain and I did the obvious - played on the playground.
I ended up parking next to Forrest's car. Ugh. His new band played. They sound like every other band he's been in, except for the first one, and that's because he was 14 and it was crap.
Excuse my harshness.
Wait, no, don't. I don't really care. Anyway. There were a few damn cool bands. Edenpark rocked, as always. Then there was a highly amusing band called Green is Mean, from frederick MD. They want me to find them shows to play. I don't know why they think I'm qualified to do this, but I said I'd try. Some awesome emo band played (from near DC, as they said) and some punk nofx-sounding band from Philly.
That's all pretty superflous. Really, I want to talk about Forrest and all the people I knew that were there. It was basically everyone that I used to hang out with when I was with Forrest, since they were his friends. That and his fuck-up girlfriend, Layla, were there. I sincerely hope that, when I was with him, we were not so disgusting in public. I know I tried to avoid touching him constantly and sitting on his lap and shit. Seeing that stuff in public just makes me feel a little ill. Forrest just looks empty. Like he's what he's taken from other people. I wonder if he's always been like that and I just didn't let myself notice. I wonder if I care.
Then there were all the other people I saw there, to whom I will only ever be Forrest's ex-girlfriend. I resent that in many ways; especially since I'm really different from how I used to be. I was suprisingly mellow (for me) at the show. I guess because I was one of the older people there, I felt the need to not be insane. I did succumb to the call of the mosh, but only for Edenpark. It was nice ... I didn't feel the need to be calling attention to myself constantly. I don't know what it means, but I'm fine with it.
I also wasn't hitting on anything that got near me. This also is unusual. Again, a freeing experience. Just being myself, nothing to prove, no need to attract anything -- people or attention. That is definitely not how I used to be.
Change is coming. I welcome it. I feel like I'm at that breaking point, where either something has to happen or everything is lost. I am trying to figure out what great thing I need to do to make everything turn around and work for me. A few days ago I read through most of my old pitas entries (a HUGE chore ... god) and noticed how see-saw like my writings have been. Good, bad, good, bad, etc etc etc. I hope I'm reaching a half-way point. I realized tonight that if I don't let myself get hyper-high, then I can't crash. If I just have fun, then the slow down isn't depressing. It sounds so simplistic, but it took a while for me to figure it out.
So in all, I had a fun time, despite the acute awkwardness of seeing my ex, the people I used to hang out with/play in bands with my ex, and my feeling old around all the 15 year olds.
Weird how it happens like that. I thought the scene was just young when I got into it. I didn't realize it was always like that around here. The people start to grow up and leave, and more 15 year olds take their place.
Just. weird.

11:16 p.m.

Friday, March 2, 2001
" ... this is forever "
what a weird past three days.
my dear ole dad and I set out early early wednesday morning (I didn't bother sleeping tuesday night) to go to Indiana to take stuff to my mom. We had the huge red truck (huge meaning it has a cab .. full sized, 4 doors, mammoth) and the huge goose-neck horse trailer filled with crap for my mom. Ok. Well. I slept the entire time, that is, until we broke down. I woke up then.
Smoke was pouring out from under the hood of the truck. It smelled pretty rank. We waited a bit for it all to cool down and tried again to continue on to the next exit, but to no avail. Dad ended up calling 911 (which I thought was kind of overkill ... ) and they contacted a local garage in Sharpsburg (a Pittsburgh suburb). We had to stay in another Pittsburgh suburb that night (I can't recall the name of it). I was highly annoyed, as I had to cancel plans with my friend Chris for Wednesday in order to even go see my mom, and was supposed to hang out with him Friday instead, but ended up also having to cancel those plans as we didn't get home until 10:30 pm today.
So yeah. We stayed at the Days Inn Wednesday night, instead of at my mom's, where we were supposed to be. I really wanted to hop a bus or a train back to York, but there was no way that was going to happen. So yeah. It was kinda fun, though it would have been more fun if it had been planned.
We got a ride back to the garage around 12:30 on Thursday. The bill, including towing, etc, ended up being around $800. Can you say INSANE RIP-OFF?
but at least we were back on the road. We made it to my mom's around 6. She lives there with her boyfriend, Kim, which is a story in itself. I don't feel like going into it, but I know I felt a little uncomfortable. I can't even imagine how my dad felt.
We stayed the night, then unloaded everything the following morning. I spent a lot of the time listening to my mom babble and watching TV (she has DishNetwork ... quite a difference from the 3 channels I get at home). Around 12:30 we left.
Now, I'm home. I can't figure out what's worse. I don't like coming home anymore, it's just better than being in a huge rumbly truck with my dad, and better than being with my mom and her boyfriend in Indiana.
I got home and called Chip. We're gonna hang out on Tuesday. Tomorrow I'm going to a show and hoping to god I won't see Forrest there. Cain told me forrest's new band was playing, though, so that means I probably will. argh.
Let's see. Full week. Wednesday and Thursday during the day I'll be going into my ex-highschool to matt-board some of my charcoals.
I really suck at matting stuff. A lot. This should be interesting.
I still have to finish 4 of my drawings. Heh. Cutting time to the bone, that's what I do ...
I feel ill. Too much truck time. Ugh.
Er ... guess that's all ... yeah.
bye.

11:10 p.m.

Tuesday, February 27, 2001
that'll be me some day, with stolen wings and evil ways
straight south with the keys to the pearly gates.
ah, sweet alkaline trio. Just the thing to not make my mood better.
But it's so beautiful.

I had my counseling appointment today. It was stupid. My counselor told me that I reminded her of her dog. Wait, it's not bad, I mean, me reminding her of her dog. She said that her dog has an obsession with a little red toy. When said little red toy is thrown across the room, the dog races to get it. However, if the dog (which is a small yappy one, I believe) is held off the ground, its little feets just go 90 miles an hour, without taking it anywhere. So apparently that means that she feels I'm trying very very hard to race somewhere, but something is holding me back so my feet are going 90 miles a minutes but I am going no where.
What a great comfort. Phew. Right.
Before I went to my appointment, I met briefly with my old art teacher to discuss which pieces I should show. I know of 2 charcoals and 2 paintings I'm definitely using. He wants me to put 8 pieces up. Guess I'll fumble through my ink drawings and find something. It will be fun, regardless.
after my appointment I called Shane to see if he wanted to go see Monkeybone with me. I was supposed to go with Cain and April, but I didn't hear from them. Shane didn't want to, probably because he's a big dork, so I went by myself. It was really good. There were some base things that I didn't really dig, but over all I really liked it. Shane would have loved it. But, like I said, he's a big dork.
and I don't want to talk about him anymore because my head still hurts from crying when I talked to him last night and when I went to his apartment today to see him he wasn't there but his "friend" lyla's car was and I cried more and got lost on the way home because there was an accident in the road and I had to take an unclear detour in the dark (it was 9:30 or so) and I kept crying and now my head just hurts even more.
argh. I am so tired.
and sad.
and sick of all of this. I want to drive away. It's difficult though, with no money. I'll find some. Somehow.
I will.

an addendum. I am adding this after the fact. I'm going to Indiana with my dad tomorrow to take stuff to my mom. Woo fuckin hoo.
I wish this would happen to me.
Fuck. I keep waiting for this to pass. This feeling. It isn't. Shane got online briefly and said he was home and I could call. I didn't. I don't want to talk to him. I don't know what to say. I wanted to apologize to him for how things went, and express my guilt in cleverly stealing his virginity. I feel pretty bad about it. But I'd rather tell a lot of strangers (ie the people that read this) than tell him.
double fuck. please make this end. I gotta get out of here.
my counselor told me about this place called Labor Ready that pays people cash each day to do menial labor. I'm good at menial labor. yeah. I think I'll look into it.
I guess I'll take a nap now before I set off for Indiana. Ugh. I hate.

10:20 p.m.

Tuesday, February 27, 2001
godDAMN boys are weird.
I guess I should work hard in not getting ahead of myself. But really, the theme for my life is the title for this entry, "GodDAMN! Boys are weird!"
So I went to New Jersey this weekend and hung out with the best guy in the world, Paul. You should write to Paul and tell him how wonderful he is. That outta confuse him. We watched cooking shows, Battlebots, Lolita (FUCKED UP movie from early in Kubrick's career), Cannibal : the musical (yaaaay!), and random shit.
Then I came home. Nothing too exciting happened in New Jersey, unlike last time. No speeding tickets, snow, or making out with anyone. Damn.
Today Cain and I hung out. It was awesome. He's my exboyfriend, Forrest's, cousin [historical note : Forrest and I dated for three years, from 15-18. He was kicked out of college for possession of marijuana. When we were dating, he was completely clean and expressed much joy in this, as he previously was not. After we broke up he went the total opposite direction. I view him as being a complete fuck up and another of those "weird" boys, but in a bad way. Anyway. back to cain]. He's 15 and just kicks ass. We have so much fun just goofing off together. Today we went to Lake Redman and threw rocks into the ice on the water. It was neat. Lots of bubblies and splooshies and cool things like that. He's weird, but not in the way that all other boys I've had to deal with are weird. He's fun weird, not "PLEASE DON'T EVER GET NEAR ME OR TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN" weird, or "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!" weird. It's a comfort to me.
We drove around and did more stuff and basically had a grand ole time. Then I came home and ran into another weird guy. My dad. Apparently I was using "that tone of voice" with him, though he ended up using "that tone of voice" with me then. Of course he had to yell at me about it. I don't understand why. It was really dumb.
I decided I should try calling shane since last time we had a conversation, he was very admanant about me talking to him. I think I need a new paragraph to describe the conversation.
So it started out with me being bitchy and he being defensive. Then it moved into him spouting off how he felt used by me and hurt, etc, which was directly followed by me crying and explaining to him how "it was." Then we just degraded into blathering masses of our former selves. Eventually we both gained backbones and started talking again. I began to describe my day, which saddened Shane, making him cry. I also found some 3 year old poetry which amused me. I wanted to read it to him but he said no. THen I started saying something about how I found a piece of paper where I was trying to use the pythagorean theorum and he started sobbing and said he had to go.
It was weird.
very very weird.
So I decided to get online then and update this damn page and the guy I made out with the first time I was in Jersey IMs me and apologizes for being so distant this weekend. ANd for not really talking to me at all. Right. Anyway.
Boys are fucking weird.
End of story.

02:47 a.m.

Saturday, February 24, 2001
killin time, waiting for the water to boil ...
so I was listening to the new Rancid (their SECOND self-titled album) a few days ago. When I listened to it in the store, I was pretty excited. "Hey, they've gone back to their old style!" You know, the style from their FIRST self-titled. Lots of fast bumpy bass lines and more than just Tim Armstrong cooing incoherently into the mic. Now I listen to it and I say, "Hey, they've gone back to their old style ..." It just isn't as exciting now. I was getting pretty sick of the way their albums were going. They reached their peak around "...and out come the wolves" and just started losing momentum after that. They degraded into a sloppy puddle of reggae influenced bologna and nasty phlegm-filled vocals. At least the bologna's gone now.
Don't get me wrong. I am a Rancid fan. I'm not gonna say, "ok fellas, make up your minds!" because I feel that a band has a right to change their style whenever the hell they want to. Or, in this case, revert to a previous style. I still think it's pretty cool that they've gone back to their 80s/early 90s way. It's just not as exciting as when I first took a listen. Maybe that's just the way things work, so that at the end this whole rantish babble says nothing.
Speaking of saying nothing, I've started brushing my teeth in the shower with my left hand. If that isn't pointless knowledge, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna check on my water now. Read Transmetropolitan. Amazing comic. Spider Jerusalem is my comic boyfriend. I wish.
Off to New Jersey.

01:17 p.m.

Saturday, February 24, 2001
exboyfriends of mine, unite.
I was thinking the other day about how amusing it would be if all my exboyfriends got together and had a party. It would be quite a crew, dating from the white trash 18 year old I dated when I was 13 to the environmentalist I just broke up with before Valentine's day. The same man who is telling me he misses me and wants to see me.
Down, boy.
I went out with one of my guy friends tonight and he tried to kiss me. I stopped him.
Shocked? Yeah, shut up.
I should probably lap all this attention up while I can. It doesn't happen very often, especially not when I'm single.
Right, well, I got hair bleach today, picked up my pay check, watched "The Dark Crystal," played The Secret of Monkey Island (!!!), and made Shane the wonder-ex jealous, hurt, and other such things that come from poor communication.
Tomorrow, New Jersey.
Next week, THE WORLD.
Or whatever.

02:39 a.m.

Thursday, February 22, 2001
bluntly put, this sucks.
It's snowing. I was planning on going to new jersey today, but I can't now unless I feel like risking having a slick-n-easy accident. So I'm not.
Also today, I got word back from thespark saying they can't sponser my road trip, and I'm too young for their "upcoming project." Fuck my luck. Must be some reason.
I'm glad I didn't get up today when I was planning on it, because I would have been in New Jersey at 4 and probably gotten snowed in again. Not that it wasn't fun before, I just would like to go there without the weather throwing itself at me.
So last night was bizarre.
I went to Border's (didn't end up getting hair bleach, damn it) and ran into this guy, Chris, that I'd met a few times before. I invited him over to my house, since he actually lives only 10 or 15 minutes from me. We watched Edward Scissorhands and started talking. He's into the occult, I guess you could say. I used to be into wicca. we're both more into the knowledge of it all than the practice itself. As frequently happens to people who believe strongly in such things, the paranormal tends to manifest around Chris. It stopped happening to me when I stopped practicing the religion. I'm terribly empathetic, though. So Chris was around, and it was getting later and later and this .. feeling .. started to manifest around me. A prescence, I guess. It began to freak me out considerably, and in the middle of the conversation I told Chris about it. He hadn't really been aware of it. The lights were still dim from watching the movie, and sometimes they would just get significantly darker, then very very gradually get light again. Chris started talking about folk magic then, about talismen and things that hold magic or protection, because of decades of belief, not because they are actually magic. He gave me one of his necklaces to wear, and asked me what I thought about ghosts.
I told him I'd rather not think about it.
I haven't had an experience like that in a very very long time, and this house feels alive to me now. It frightens me. I was really looking forward to going to New Jersey, just to let everything settle down. but now it's snowing, so I can't really go anywhere. I still wanted to try to go get some hair bleach, and pick up my last pay check from RadioShack. maybe getting out of the house will help. I think I'll try to drive a little anyway, though it's insanely stupid of me.
So. I feel a little weird inside. Chris stayed here until he had to go to work this morning. He didn't sleep at all, and I only caught about 2 hours of sleep while he was here. After he left I fell asleep for 8 or 9 hours, though. I'm glad I did now, since, as I mentioned before, if I'd gotten up when I wanted to, the snow would have caught me in New Jersey. yay.
So what to do now? No funding, no job, just more and more confusion and unhappiness. And a house that is starting to make itself known to me.
Damn these beliefs.
Damn them.

04:51 p.m.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001
all dressed up, no where fun to go.
I didn't leave my room until 5pm today. I was sleeping, then reading Transmetropolitan. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.
I guess since I "lost" my job (though in American Beauty, the father says "It's not like, oops! Where'd my job go?" I know where it is) I haven't felt the need to dress conservatively. Thank heavens for that.
I need a new expletive. I don't like saying "thank god" because I don't believe in that, or "thank goddess" because it's hokey (and I don't really believe in that either), or "thank heavens" though I just did. What else can I say to express gratitude? There aren't enough words for atheist heathens like myself in such context. It just isn't fair, damn it!
See, even damn it holds no meaning!
I was happy because my dreams stopped haunting me for a day or two, but now they're back. Figures. The moment I tell someone "hey, my dreams aren't bothering me anymore!" they come back. Is that not how it frequently occurs? Ah geez.
I got a reply email from Christian Rudder at the spark.com today. He asked for my age, a picture of me, and wanted to know if I was dating anyone. So he didn't say no, but he referred to them as very preliminary questions. Better than nothing. Gives me a bit of hope. He asked if I was dating someone for a possible future project. Uh huh. So he says. (wink wink nudge nudge say no more)
There were a lot of things I wanted to talk about today. I seem to have forgotten them all.
I think I'll go make spaghetti now (though I have a strange strange craving for devilled eggs) and then go find some bleach to lighten my hair. Mm hm.
It's a shame. I look pretty cute today. Too bad there's no one to share it with.

06:10 p.m.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001
I have been taking showers lately to warm up.
It's kinda sad. I am so cold. I get up and I'm ok. I shower to wake up. But by the time I'm going to bed, I'm so cold. I hate it.
I didn't leave my house at all today. Well, except once, when I opened the door for my dad. I ran outside for about 2 seconds then. It kinda sucks because I was dressed up and did my hair (what's left of it, tee hee!) and was lookin cute. I guess I thought I was going to go somewhere.
I didn't.
I spent most of today on the computer. I had better stop doing this. This is how I was this time last year, as well. Moping around, going to sleep early in the morning and getting up in the afternoon and then moping some more. SPending most of my time on the computer. Lame lame lame.
I gotta try to get back on a "regular" schedule and find something to do. Like work.
I wrote to thespark.com today to see if I could convince them to finance my road trip. I am totally torn as to how I think they'll answer. I am trying not to think about it.
My plan, with or without thespark.com financing, is to take my laptop with me on my road trip. Bn is going to visit me, hopefully, in late march. I will then drive him back to Olympia, Washington. We may (hopefully) make several stops on the way there. After I take him to Olympia, I will go to California. San Diego, Berkeley, San Francisco. Anywhere but Hollywood, LA, or Torrance, for reasons quite obvious to me. After that, I just want to make it to Denver CO, Chicago IL, Boston MA, and maybe some other places. I've always wanted to check out Rhode Island.
Anyway. While travelling, I plan on keeping a daily journal on my laptop, possibly even writing in it several times a day, at rest stops or the side of the road or something. If I'm extra super lucky I'll be able to befriend a person or so in each city I visit. That way I can connect my laptop to the internet and upload my journal to my website as I go along. I am not counting on that, though I am a rather likeable person.
First, though, money. I did go to my temp agency yesterday, but to no avail. I was supposed to call there today and check about jobs, but I didn't actually go anywhere near a phone until 4pm, which is when they close. So alas and alack. If I can somehow stumble onto some money without getting a job, I'm getting some maps and plotting a route and getting out of here ASAP. I'll just visit Bn instead of him visiting me.
I have high hopes. Plans. Ambitions. Kind of.
I want ... to ... WRITE!
I basically want to educate people. I have been thinking about trying to write a book while I'm on my journey. This thing is still being planned, but it's become very real to me. I'm pretty excited about it. I need to get working harder to make it happen. I think I don't believe it will, so I'm condemning it before I can even let it breathe. That isn't very fair of me. I'm going to have to change that.
It's 3:30 in the morning, my head aches, and I am tired of trying to figure out what's gonna happen with Shane and I when he gets back from Ithaca. He invited me to go camping with him, and somehow that just seems like a bad idea.
No wonder I want to get away.

03:34 a.m.

Monday, February 19, 2001
I was awakened this morning by my name being screamed.
and haven't I missed that? It was my dad, yelling that I had a phone call. The people at my counselor's office were calling to say that my appointment for tomorrow had to be cancelled.
Fuckers. I hate it when they do that. I want a new counselor. Better yet, I want my old one, from Towson. It was an hour drive, but damn it! It was worth it!
I got fan email today. This happens once every 6 months. It just rocks my world. Usually they write in two emails. It's pretty damn cool. The first one is to say "Hi, I like your site, you seem cool." The second one is usually about my poetry or hair. Which is fine by me, because I rather like my hair as well.
So my dad's home now and he's already annoying me. Go figure. I think someone should just send me a stipend by which to live. I could get my own apartment somewhere, not have to work, just draw and paint and write allllll day. Heaven. Maybe then I could get my camera fixed, too. I miss my camera.
Hm. I wanted to get up early today to check out possible places of employment. Didn't happen. I think I'll just go to my temp agency and look for factory work. Guess I'll start next week. I hate factory work, but it's pretty mindless and usually pays well. Kinda like telemarketers, but much less evil and annoying.
My friend is trying to set me up with a friend of her's that is "interested" in me. I just wanna hang out. I'm always up for that. I don't want a date, I want some friends. Good friends. True friends. Friends that won't get so close you can't talk to one of them without all of them knowing. Friends that won't start dating each other, to the total exclusion and repulsion of friends that are not involved (ie ME). Yeah. I really miss my old friends terribly, but the thought of seeing any of them in the current situation disgusts and annoys me.
anyway.
I can't really think of anything to talk about now except customer service, and that's just because I was talking to someone else about how good I am at apologizing for things I have no control over. I did that a lot at RadioShack. I wish I'd just told everyone off. If I'd known I was going to be fired, I think I would have done everything differently. Maybe not everything, but a good amount. Anyway. I'm good at apologizing. I think that's what people want when they go/call somewhere that they have a problem with. They don't necessarily do it because they want the problem fixed (though they do), they do it to assert power. They want to show they are higher than the lowly customer service reps (or customer sales reps, as the case may be), when in fact they are usually less educated. That's why they come to us in the first place. They need information. Sometimes we have that information. If we don't, however, we do know where to look. who to ask. the right things to say. We are trained to apologize and bullshit and make the customer either feel very high or very low.
There were some people I had encountered who would just put themselves up on a pedistal. It really kept people from asking too many questions, because every time they got an answer, it was in a very demeaning way. Then there are people like me, who will act like a bug with a foot hovering above it when asked a question. It's really depressing and demeaning. I'm glad I'm out of customer sales. When you're just a service rep, people don't expect you to know everything. I personally wouldn't go into a grocery store and expect the cashiers to know where everything is, what they stock, and how much it is just off the top of their heads. But you go into RadioShack and immediately it's different. Not only must the people that work there know where it is, if it's there, and how much it is, they must also know how it compares to other products, how it works, and what accessories can be used with it. It was awful. The worst thing is that I used to be one of those customers. You do get a totally different perspective once you're wearing the nametag and are expected to know all.
Anyway. Just remember that. I had to deal with a whole lot of assholes working there. Don't be one of them.
Ok. That's my rant today. Cheers.

11:33 a.m.

Sunday, February 18, 2001
"i was determined in chicago but dug my teeth into my knees and I settled for a telephone, sang into your machine .."
happy music for a happy emily.
I forgot to mention on Friday that I shaved my head. No reason not to. No reason not to do anything at this point.
My dad came home today. Almost 2 weeks. He gave me some hats and a really cool skirt. and a card written in spanish. luckily he wrote the translation on the inside.
I don't get a lot of people in this world. They spend all this time not showing their care for each other, but expect the people they care about to know it. The only person that I know for sure cares about me is my dad, and sometimes he totally neglects it. Like when I was really sick two weeks ago and needed someone to pick me up from work, he couldn't because he had volleyball and "didn't want to let the team down." When he called from Tennessee yesterday to let me know he was on his way home, he reacted more to the dog being pregnant than to me being fired, breaking up with my boyfriend, and taking a leave of absence from school. Fucked priorities, but I know he cares about me and I know he loves me.
The only other person I know cares about me is Shane, and that makes me uncomfortable. I can't say why right now. It just does. I know the reasons, I just don't feel comfortable voicing them, as the case may be.
So anyway. I went to a fairie festival meeting today. Sharyn wasn't there and I was relieved. I did, however, see my friend Mike Bull's mom there. Deb. her husband, Michael, writes to me sometimes about my poetry. He likes it. So I went to their house after the meeting and hung out there with mike, deb, and michael. We watched TV. Lots of TV. Then mike went somewhere and I stayed and watched more TV with his parents. It was like having a functional family. That's something I've never really been graced with. It was kinda neat.
So, anyone bored with my self-loathing yet? I am. *poof!* it's gone!
ok. not really.
when should I leave? Where should I go? chicago, olympia, san diego, berkeley, denver, boston ... where else?
where indeed.

10:32 p.m.

Friday, February 16, 2001
My big cookie did NOT have a skull and crossbones on it.
It had a road with car on it. Next to the road was a sign saying, "sorry to see you go." uh huh.
That and a salad from mcdonald's (EVIL) were the only things I had to eat today, so I was a little ill. I'm frequently a little ill. It's kind of a pain in the ass.
Shane came over last night and we watched "The Secret Adventures of Tom Thumb," which happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies. Amazing. He and I also had a, ahem, relapse. He left at 10am today. Mostly we slept and watched tv (or the movie). The couch is not a terribly comfortable place to fall asleep, but this is something like the third time we've managed.
It was good to have him near me.
now he's gone again. It's mostly my fault. That's alright. I know it must be. Everything important to me has left. I wish I was exagerrating. I'm not.
No work. No school (I am taking a 2 month leave as of February 19). No significant other. No money. No close friends.
I really want to take a road trip. But first, money.
I wonder how much it would cost? I need maps, food, money for tolls, and money for food along the way. Hmmm.... I'll have to pull out the calculator and bounce around some figures.
This is kind of exciting.

10:14 p.m.

Thursday, February 15, 2001
in the passion of my depression, I did omit some facts.
like the fact that my valentine's day really wasn't terrible. I went to bed at 6:30am and slept until 3 (which was kind of how today went as well, though not so early). Then I called my friend Kevin and we hung out for a few hours before I took him to work. He asked me to be his valentine. At first I told him I'd think about it, but he kept asking me, so I finally relented and said "yes."
He works at Border's, so of course I hung around there for another hour reading Sin City. I love that comic. excuse me, graphic novel. whatever it is, it rocks.
so I did have a valentine on valentine's day. He bought me food at Wendy's and hugged me. It was pretty cool.
Today the florist called and said that there were flowers for me that needed to be delivered. I told them not to bother, I'd just go pick them up. They ended up being from my dad.
Speaking of my dad, when the hell is he gonna be home? He's been gone for over a week now (ok, like 9 days). But hey, he got me roses.
Uh. Hm. So it hasn't been a very bad 2 days. I haven't been back in school since saturday. One of my teachers called today. Guess I should tell them what's up.
Tomorrow's my last day of work. Marcia said she'd get me one of those big cookie things.
I've always wanted one of them.
She asked what I wanted on it, and I told her the following : A skull and crossbones, with an eye patch on the skull, and "ARRR" written above it.
I really hope that's what she gets me.
It would almost make getting the boot worthwhile.
Anyway ... yeah. I don't know what else to say. The end!

07:08 p.m.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001
I'm having that problem again ..
where I can't stop crying and I really want someone to hold me, but no one is here
and I really need someone to talk to but I don't have anyone to call. There is no where to go.
the things I've been contemplating tonight are laughable and very very sad. I realized tonight how lonely I am. Somehow I'd managed to convince myself I wasn't. I don't know how I managed this, but apparently I did.
Last time I made an entry like this, a couple people contacted me about it. I don't talk to any of those people at all anymore. This sucks as well.
What do I have to lose? Nothing, because there IS nothing to lose. There are no close friends, nothing more than acquaintances, no job, no promising career path. No college. No higher education. Beauty school is a step down from high school, even. It's insulting to my intelligence. My intelligence which I feel I've been gradually losing. Why? I curse the existence of many things, but the main thing is Owen, for giving me the impetus to do two totally life-changing things : 1) attempt suicide. 2) leave college.
Perhaps these things would have happened any way. Probably. There's no way of knowing.
Yet everything seems to stem now from those decisions. The close friendships I had were forged in the heat of the hospital. My discontent, though always present, has been furthered by my shame in leaving college. Some people admire my decision. Clearly Goucher, and its mental health policies, were not for me.
So why do I think of this now? Because tonight, oh readers, I was doing that damn contemplation of suicide again.
Yep. Wooooooweeee. Isn't that exciting. Obviously, I chose not to. There are things I still want to see. I don't think I have much time. The urgency has been building. There are things I have to do, but I don't know what yet. I am finally getting vague ideas, but that's all. I don't know where to go. I have to get money first, anyway, and before I can do that I have to take the leave of absence from school.
see, there are certain things I have to do in a very short amount of time, say, 2 months. I don't know why, or how. One of those weird internal reckonings. I've been both dreading and anticipating this year for quite some time now. A final release.
Then I can start to live. A true rebirth. I hope.
Damn, the ramblings of a clinically depressed 19 year old girl can bring some heavy thoughts. Not too much right now. Just some insanity mixed in with hope.
It's all I can ask for right now. Some drive, compassion, and other things would also help.
And direction.
Got any to spare?

02:56 a.m.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001
happy fucking valentine's day.
shane and I broke up. technically on the twelth. Doesn't matter.
this time last year Jared and I went on an anti-valentine's day date. we were "engaged." what about this year?
nothing.
no boyfriend.
no friends.
no job.
I am getting rid of everything, making room for the next big thing.
guess school is next.
I can't wait.

01:26 a.m.

Monday, February 12, 2001
damn I'm bitter.
Last week. It needs to die.
Unfortunately, I think it's going to carry over now ... fuck.
Got pissed at Shane tonight. How long did it take this time? like three days? must be some kind of record now ...
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
things can start getting better any time now, ok?
safe alternatives to suicide :
defacing art made for certain people
thinking up good bitter titles of poems/stories/letters
crying
drawing
bitching
listening to sonic youth
That's what I've been doing tonight. Anything but sleep.
Only two more days of work left, then no more job. Fuckers.
let me say it again.
fuck.

02:50 a.m.

Saturday, February 10, 2001
to say that this would be the week from hell would be a gross understatement.
I've missed everyday of school except friday, when I took my finals, and an hour today.
This has really sucked.
I've missed work every day except tuesday, which was terrible, and friday. Tuesday I drove home three hours with the flu and period cramps. Then I had to work on my day off, and had to have Shane come pick me up. Ugh.
I also got fired from RadioShack on Friday. Wait, no, I was "let go" because Marcia didn't actually want to fire me. The district manager did. I don't have the hours or the numbers, apparently. I have about $300 or so in the bank, most of which will go to paying off that speeding ticket I got going to Jersey last week. Oh swell.
I could probably go on, but I'm kinda tired of it. I'm looking forward to next week so I can hopefully start over. Of course, I will still be working. Friday is my last day.
And gee. Valentine's day is wednesday. Aren't I just so excited.
My dad has also been gone all week. This has not helped anything. It's pretty much been up to Shane, who's been a really good sport about the entire situation, to help me out. I feel bad for him. He tries to be nice and gets sick.
ugh. we're a great team. XunemployedXandXillXcrewX represent.
the dreams have been pretty bad too. like one I had that I was bludgeoning rachel with every object I could get my hands on because she told me she and jared were married.
I think I'll make some elbow macaroni and sleep.
fuck.

08:47 p.m.

Monday, February 5, 2001
goddamnit.
I just wrote this really long entry only to have it not save.
gr.
I'm at New Jersey right now, and have been since yesterday. I wanted to leave at noon today (I had work at 4:30 .. called Marcia and she was incredibly understanding), but was snowed in. This is fun. Hanging out with Paul and crew has been awesome. Except I got a speeding ticket on the way over here. Motherfucking 94.2 in a 55. They tracked my speed by helicopter. brilliant, but sucks for me. Not only that, I didn't have my driver's license with me because I'd just gotten it retaken. Luckily I had a good cop ... he didn't suspend my license. What a swell guy.
I kicked Paul and Adam's asses yesterday at soul caliber and have been consistently kicking Damon's ass physically. Right now a crew is playing Trivial Pursuit while I type this. They're also rating people on am I hot or not which is actually much more amusing than one would think. I'm there somewhere. I just have no clue where.
Hm. I cheated on Shane. He knows. I feel pretty low. Liberated in the wrong way. Things haven't been the same since Friday and we've both known it. Damn emotions.
I guess everything's alright with us. He's more understanding than I'd want to be. More than I am about myself.
I'm just kinda confused. I want another job. I want to finish school. I want to straighten out my feelings and everything. Get used to being on my own.. guess I gotta get there first.
I don't want to go back to Pennsylvania.
I don't know what I want, though. So this is no surprise.
no way to end this but abruptly.

11:19 p.m.

Saturday, February 3, 2001
oh my.
My dreams haunt me. They have my permission to stop any time now. I wrote it down today. If anyone can tell me what it means, please, PLEASE, email me.
_dream memory_
had a dream he was dating me and one other
she didn't care about the duplicity but i did
there was also a killer baby locked in a bedroom
waiting to go horror show on us all
my boyfriend was obsessed with losing his virginity that night
we found stacks of condoms on the stairs
when finally we chose what kind to use
my brother came into the bedroom (which was my parent's)
"we're borrowing some condoms" I told him
(or something along those lines)
he didn't mind and disappeared
through a door i'd never noticed in the back -
it was huge
there were wide rickety stairs
dirt walls and floor
with an orange atmosphere
darkened neverending corners
shady people holding back their dogs
straining to race across the basement hell
my brother was somehow surprised i'd followed
i thought i might be killed for it
instead i saw a small dog with a lion's fire mane
swirling eyes
i left before this chiuhaua of hades could attack
admittedly i felt fear
though not as much as when i found out
the killer baby had escaped the bedroom
in which he had been hiding
he fooled women with his charm
i knew i needed to leave
but could not find my car keys
my boyfriend,
the brilliant thing,
suggested i use keyless start
(which i do not have in real life)
then go to a place he knew
to get new keys.
it was sunday,
i remember,
because i had no money
could not find my wallet
and was worried because all the banks would be closed
luckily i found my wallet then,
though still no keys.
so we left,
my boyfriend
me
and a smooth talking man who appeared in my kitchen
we went to a place
with a driveway obstructed by many obstacles
hanging things in my path
which i had to trust would move before i hit them
(they did)
then i met a man who said he would stick something in my ignition
it would work as a key
i agreed
though hesitantly
i think that was all
but
also in my dream
i dreamt i was swimming
that dream is less formed
yet now i recall
a group of people and i were at an amusement park
none of them would stay with me
so i swam away down the hillside
but was scared to go too far
i ran into a person i didn't know
the went back to the meeting place
a girl-stranger asked if i'd seen the fairy queen
no one would go with me to see her
only
then i realized she'd already come to see me
no one cared because they'd all gone their separate ways
i wanted company
could not find any
maybe that's when i went home to swim
where my horny boyfriend
and the killer baby
were waiting.
all in all
it was
an average dream.
Yeah. It was a pretty well-formed dream, I guess. Shane and I were talking about dreams last night. We talked about a lot of things last night. I don't think we have much in common. He agrees yet is painfully reluctant to let me go. I think my thoughts can be best described by the second half of a poem I wrote called "will you be?"
....
it bothers me how easily you could slip away
without much difference in my life
just a return to the previous monotony
i think i've made it that way
it's easier this way
to never attach fully
for fear of being ripped
just dancing on the edge of things
rather fall outside it all
than join in
or buy in
or
or fall in,
you know,
that.

yeah. I think that describes it.
I need to find something to do on Sunday. I slept in today and missed the first half of school. I need to take a shower now and get ready to leave.
I was on time yesterday. It's a shame to break that almost stretch.
I feel so melancholy. That seems to happen a lot to me when confroting sad truths. Guess I'll go on my own again, not that I ever stopped doing that anyway.
I need a real vacation.
Any suggestions?
12:05 p.m.

Tuesday, January 30, 2001
It's all coming together now ...
No work for me tonight!
So I went to my counseling appointment (which was, as always, kind of surreal), went to Iko's (where I bought $50 worth of music - Frenzal Rhomb, Rancid, Shelter, Suicidal Tendencies, Blue Meanies, and Green Day), went to Borders (and read half of a Starman comic book), came home, called my friend Paul (he lives in New Jersey! He is cool! Those two statements are totally unrelated!), ate spaghetti, stapled some cloth to a bright yellow frame I made last week, started some laundry, and called my old english/creative writing teacher to ask for one of my paintings back so I can put it in an art show I'm doing at my old high school (it will be in march, woohoo). Now I'm systematically going through my new cds (Suicidal Tendencies and Green Day down, currently working on Blue Meanies) and, well, updating this.
And reading Angst Technology, which is my latest love in regards to web comics.I could write a great review of it, but really, what's the point? It's just cool that he not only cares about his comic, but makes a point of putting up an "featured artist" and several "... of the week" type things. It's more than a comic. It's a friggin community.
yeh.
Ok, new load in the washer, finished reading AT, am now taking new pics of myself. Yeh. Blue Meanies is almost over. I think I'll put Frenzal Rhomb or Shelter in next. Oh decisions! Shelter was on top. So in it went.
Hm. I am at a loss for words. Angry vegans and vegetarians are still writing me in regards to my three year old site, Omnivores United, despite the fact that not only is it a joke, I am a vegetarian.
The amount of people in this world lacking a sense of humour forever astounds me. The fact that I am sometimes one of those people sucks even more.
So one of my ex-friends wrote to me the other day, and I wrote back, and in turn got a reply. Amazing how that works. I am almost on good terms with her. I will say they are moderate terms, because I can't imagine becoming friends with any of those people again. I don't like to repeat mistakes. I'm weird like that.
Yesterday I added more poetry and pictures to my pages. I'm not gonna tell you the URLs. You can find them yourself on the left side of this page. I am lazy. (though lazier than I have been in the past)
Errr. Hm. I dunno what else to say. It's been a good evening alone. These nights are refreshing, though I've really wanted to play Monkey Island (which is at Shane's). Damn!
Until ... er ... next time. Adieu!

10:04 p.m.

Sunday, January 28, 2001
boyfriends are notoriously stupid.
Reminds me of why I chose not to have one for a year.
No, really, I DID choose. I swear.
Anyway, my boyfriend is pretty cool, even if sometimes he gets annoyed when I'm in a bad mood and don't let him solve the puzzles in Robin Hood: Conquests of the Longbow and instead he leaves and goes to an antique store, leaving me alone in his apartment.
He did tell me I could go along, but antiques just don't, you know, thrill me.
It's ok though. I think he's gonna get me some ice cream. That's nice of him. He and I are not all fire and brimstone.
However, the contests of my stomach just fell out, so perhaps it would be good if I didn't eat any icecream. Harumph. I have been craving it.
Blather blather ... I hate Saturdays (which was yesterday) because they are so long for me. They used to be my sleep in happy days, but no longer. I have an 8am morning for the Shack, then school from 9-4, then work from 4:30-9. Since I close, it's usually from 4:30-9:30. I went to Shane's last night (as I've done for the past several days. .. I'm getting really sick of wearing the same clothing) and fell asleep on his couch around 10. I guess it was funny. I had really wanted to go home last night. Alas and alack I did not. I was so tired Shane had to help me to the bed and under the covers. He's a good lad.
except for when we disagree but that's how I feel about everyone, I suppose.
kinda.
anyway. I like it when people write to me. It makes me happy. Just mention which page you found, as I have something like four of them, and I will reply (I'll reply anyway, I'll just be less confused that way). And how the hell do people find this site? It's amazing!
Cheers!
04:30 p.m.

Wednesday, January 24, 2001
oi
yeah.
I thought I had accomplished a bit these past two days, but really it was only compared to these past months.
Since I've been off my medication, I've actually been more motivated and less depressed. It's nice. I enjoy it immensely. I wonder how long this high will last, if it even is that. I can't think a high would be this low, and if it is a high, I'd hate to be around when I fall.
of that, though, I have no choice.
Things are well overall. Gotta get back to school. Missed another week and the director of the school called. Fuck man, I just don't care. It's not for me. But I keep trying, I keep going, I'm tired of quitting and leaving.
I keep trying. I tell myself that. I think it's true.
I keep trying.

11:21 p.m.

Monday, January 22, 2001
my urine has been a bizarre shade of yellow lately.
I attribute it to the "women's health" vitamins I've been taking lately. Maybe I should start drinking more water.
my head hurts, my shoulders ache, I'm hungry, but .... I'm content. Rather. Shane is good. Work is alright, though I'm still seeking out another job. School can suck my ass, but I'm trying to go now. I missed a couple days due to discontent and annoyance, but I want to get back on track.
My to do list is long, but not unwieldy. I should actually write it down so maybe I'll get it done.
I think I'll go to sleep now.

11:09 p.m.

Tuesday, January 16, 2001
it's too late to be up
but still I persist.
read through some old emails today and found a bunch of people that had written to me about my old pages .. most notably the poetry. Weird. I keep plodding through, randomly uploading more poetry, steadfastly not updating any of my "real" webpages. All in good time, I say. All in good time.

01:37 a.m.

Saturday, January 13, 2001
I'm confused.
again.
I went to an ethnic restaurant (granted, I can't remember what ethnicity) tonight with Shane and a bunch of his friends to celebrate his birthday. It was his sister, his mom, his friend Eric, his friend Dan, and his friend Lila and her boyfriend Joe. I felt so out of place. Those people have all known Shane for much much longer than I have. For some reason Brianna (Shane's sister) decided we should have a toast at which we all said something about Shane. I went last, and I just said something like "shane is beautiful, wonderful, sweet, amazing, loyal, (some other stuff too). He doesn't call me crazy when everyone else does and I just really appreciate that. Yeah. He rocks." Somehow it seemed like really the wrong thing to say. Really wrong. I don't know why, but it has been bothering me all night. Even now, almost seven hours later, it is still bothering me. Not only that, I feel a mutual dislike between Dan and I, who is Shane's best best friend. I got along fine with Eric when I met him before, but tonight I got the feeling I just annoyed him. Lila and I are ok, and somehow Joe and I managed to click, despite the fact that he's in the Army. I do not like the Army. but oh well.
This is a bad idea to write stuff without talking to him about it, so I won't. But there are things I need to say to him that I find difficulty in verbalizing. I've only known him for three weeks and already the intensity is completely gone.
On other notes, my strange dreams still disturb me on a daily basis and I don't want to sleep tonight. I have to go to school in 6 hours and do not want to. But I will. Because I should. Because I made a commitment.
fuck. I hate growing up. Working, going to school, trying to maintain relationships you're not even sure you want to maintain. I feel unworthy of so many things. I thought I was going to stop being this way.
To sleep I go.

02:13 a.m.

Wednesday, January 10, 2001
I like that my dad buys me chocolate chunk cookies whenever he gets himself oatmeal raisin ones.
It just shows that he's a cool dad and that he thinks about me. If there's anything he knows I like, it's chocolate chip/chunk (whatever) cookies.
So. Today I was not scheduled to work, but because I am used to working almost every day, I went in anyway. And worked. Yes, that's right. I was bitching about not liking work, then go into work ON MY DAY OFF and work anyway. If that's not proof there's something wrong with me ... well .. hm. I could think of other things that would be, but that just ruins the saying.
Anyway. I've been feeling alright lately. Apparently all the fucked up shit going on with my body lately has been a result of stopping my meds cold turkey. My brain says, "ah! seratonin withdrawal!" and my body replies with sympathy pains -- waves of dizziness, constant fatigue, muscle aches, and other nonsensical business. I don't mind so much now that I know why. It was scaring the begeezus out of me before I knew. Lately it's been better - mainly just the muscle aches to deal with. Random dizziness has become less frequent, bringing me great relief. can't wait to hear what my psychiatrist thinks of all this. He's gonna love the fact that I didn't taper off the medication or even consult him before doing it. I swear I meant to, though. I did.
Shane and I walked to Ginmiya today, this awesome chinese and japanese restaurant in the same plaza as my school. We had lunch and this one waiter kept giving me cheshire cat grins. It was weird. Shane offered to beat him up, but I declined.
At work I took things apart. Why can't I get paid to do that? Just take things apart all day, look at them, and then put them together in aesthetically pleasing manners. mm. That would be nice.
I'm reading pukenoodles.com right now. I think it's a personal website? I don't really know. It has ... stuff ... on it. I am unsure as to the personal level of it, as there is no personal information about the author/creator of it. Literally. I see pictures of people that he's gone comic cons with, read the guestbook (apparently some Mr. Evil guy doesn't like him) and know as much now as I did before. Oh well.
This has gone from self-indulgent rambling to just plain rambling. I'm feeling ok.
Asking for art back from people so I can set up a show at my old high school, on behest of my old art teacher. I'm mildly excited. Ok, yeah, really excited. I like to show off.
I'm tired and I wanna shave my head.
so be it.

11:11 p.m.

Sunday, January 7, 2001
ugh.
It smells like ham at my house right now. It's awful. I know that over a year ago I would have been drooling, but now it just kind of makes me feel sick. Weirdo vegetarianism. I guess I've conditioned my body to dislike everything about meat. Odd, to go against nature.
I do not feel well. I've been making a point to go to school and work every day, despite my mysterious illness. Waves of dizziness overtake me every few minutes and my stomach has not been the happiest of creatures. I see the doctor on Tuesday night. Oh, the apprehension.
There was this guy I used to talk to a lot online, named Paul. He is obsessed with robots and all things robot. I guess he thought the feeling was mutual, but it really isn't. I think robots are awesome and would be terribly pleased if someone got me a toy robot, but I do not collect them or go out of my way to obtain robotic things. So tonight when he was attacking me for not liking Power Rangers toys because I don't like the show, I told him I didn't want to talk to him if he was going to argue about such stupid things. This is a guy that I used to talk to about kind of deep things, though mostly vise versa. He poured out a lot of himself to me. I think we stopped meshing when we exchanged pictures and he realized that we are totally different people. Or we realized that. For some reason I just assumed he was slightly on the punk side, like myself, and I think he assumed I was a bit like him. Neither of us were right. So I blocked him and warned him in the immature ways I could, replying to his accusations and insults. I have enough petty people I have to deal with in real life, let alone the internet.
I've not been online much lately. This makes me really happy. For some reason a couple people don't understand the equation of not being online = doing stuff in real life. The internet sucked away my soul. I'm slowly recovering it.
So.
I've been seeing Shane on almost a daily basis. The days I don't see him, I talk to him on the phone. Part of me thinks this is too much too soon. Most of me agrees. There are things he believes in that I don't. I can deal with that. But can we "agree to disagree?" It's been harder for me lately, because I've stopped taking my happy pills (er, seratonin inhibitors, excuse me) and therefore have been trying to deal with my real self rather than the me that mind-altering medication made me into. I hope this doesn't end up being a mistake.
Speaking of mistakes. I am going to quit my job. My boss and I had "a talk" on Friday night and I plan on giving her my two week's notice tomorrow sometime. Or sometime this week. Argh. And so the job search will ensue ..
What I'd really like is a job that allows me to be creative, look the way I want to look, take things apart, and be happy. The likelihood of me finding a job like that around this part of PA? Nil. Nil. Nil.
And why the changes? I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not. For some reason I wanted to be a geek. I'm not. I'm dorky, but I'm not a dork. I'm not happy trying to fit in (or be forced to fit in, as the case may be) though I'm not happy not fitting in. I don't like pettiness, though I am petty. It's ok that I have very few friends. That's alright with me, as long as the ones I have are good ones. The ones I had weren't. They aren't. They do not talk to me. It makes my head feel funny and I cried last night to think about it.
to think about them touching each other the way I used to touch them. To know they do not care. To realize the worth of my life is so small to them. I was told it was alright to leave them, since they had left me first. But it still hurts. I do nothing to alleviate it because I don't know how. I am trying to rid my life of pettiness, not add more to it. ... or reintroduce former pettiness.
So. A breakdown of my life today :
I have no truly close friends (close = mutual trust, respect, and the ability to pour my heart out to and be reciprocated with such .. though with such standards, perhaps I never did have close friends)
I am in cosmetology school, where I do things I don't like to do in order to do things I want to do. i.e. I have to give manicures, pedicures, scalp treatments, eyebrow waxes, and facials so I can get a license that allows me to legally cut and color hair.
I don't really like school and don't really know why I'm there, except for this - I'm doing things that go against my nature in order to find the things that make me happy. Hence the following.
I work at RadioShack.
I am dating a guy named Shane who is really totally unlike me, except for the whole hatred of society as it is today thing.
I complain a lot in order to discover what bothers me. I must somehow get these things out of me in order to look at them, disect them, and say, "Ah ha! here's the problem!" As I have so few friends, this page is how I do it.
I'm mostly disjointed from the world. I guess I'm in my own universe. It kind of sickens me. In fact, most of the stuff I don't like about other people I can blatantly point out in myself. I guess that's humanity. Or it's just me.
This is not a new start, though I'm treating it as such. I feel as lost, confused, angry, and bitter as always.
I'd say not much has changed, but I'd be lying.

10:06 p.m.

Monday, January 1, 2001
a new year, again??
wacky business, this.
Went to Shane's cousin's house with him. A good amount of his family was there. They're all great. I really like Shane. This is madness.
I'm scared.
I think I'll talk about something else now.
So it's the new year. January 1. 2001. I am disappointed the world did not explode. Just about as disappointed as I was this time last year when it didn't explode. The world didn't end. What now?
What now, indeed.
I have no resolutions. I'd probably forget them anyway. Maybe I'll just try to live this year. Maybe I'll try to turn twenty. Perhaps. Perhaps.
I don't even know what else to say. I added more poetry to my directory listing. I feel like being witty and amazing but I really just don't know what to say.
I'm tying up the phone line being online and really that's ok with me.
Happy new year.

07:32 p.m.

to do.
comics
diesel sweeties.
red meat.
angst technology.
icecream for breakfast.
goats
sluggy freelance.

other stuff
email me
memepool.
the onion.
explodingdog.
untitled.
waferbaby.
seanbaby.
the spark.