Monday, April 30, 2001
everything is becoming so much clearer now ..
images I once thought meant one thing I now realize mean something completely different. I've stopped projecting my own feelings on other people and now view them differently. I thought I was falling in love, but it was only a vague uncomfortable obsession induced by the want for someone to hold and be with. I'd like to blame spring, but really it's just my personality. a shame. tried to force myself and someone else to feel things that could not easily exist. I never meant to. I just wanted to be wanted, to feel intensely. I needed an outside source so I latched onto the first that presented itself. bad idea. I think I'm working on remedying it, though it's a bit difficult to say either way.
but at least I have a new friend.
so, anyway. my dad told me I looked "really good" today. It's funny, because I'm dressed in my nastiest and most beat up clothing. when I pointed this out, he said that he meant I was glowing. "oh, that's just sunburn," I explained. but really, I was glowing?
so my usual ISP isn't working. I don't know why. I think I might have to kill it. I'm using a free service right now, but it really sucks. banner ads and I'm not supposed to be on before 4am. I don't know what their time constraints are. Certainly it's before 4am now, though actually, it's very far after it as well. They should say "Don't use it from the hours of --" instead of confusing me. but it's working now, so I can't complain too much. It does mean I won't be online until late, though, because I have to use my first line to dial up. I won't go into details. I'm boring myself already.
I worked more on my painting. the pictures of it look awful, but eh. oh well.
I'm damned tired. I was outside for a good portion of the day, doing fairy festival stuff. Some of it involved me balancing precariously on a ladder high in the air, decorating a tree limb. It was fun and frustrating, as I kept dropping the spools of ribbon. damn my clumsiness. and also my spaciness today. I was severely out of it, whatever "it" may be.
and now, I think I shall sleep.
ps. Hi Steve.
11:22 p.m.
Monday, April 30, 2001
mead is a fun game to play.
totally unvegan. but I'm not vegan, I'm just trying to cut dairy and eggs from my diet, with meager success. actually, it's been as successful now as it was before, as I'd unknowingly been doing it for quite some time. now it's just conscious.
anyway, I got to spoutwood farms around 11:30 or so, to work on the stages some more. they had bought more fabric for me to play with and I went to town with it. turned out some nice looking creations, I must admit. we had mead at dinner then, as a bit of a celebration for a nice day of work. good stuff.
so I was there until 7:30 or so. on the way home, I stopped at Cain's place and watched the simpsons (it was amazing tonight, which completely makes up for the rerun last week), malcolm in the middle, and a hell of a lot of Animal Planet. it was great.
on the way home, a rabbit committed suicide on my tire. I felt awful. I hate that. I don't understand why they feel the need to go careening across the road, from the opposite side of the road, just when I'm driving by. If some huge roaring creature were to bust into my territory, I would run the opposite direction, not right into its path. argh.
in other news .. er .. actually, there is no other news. I'm going back to spoutwood tomorrow (technically today). though really I'd just like to chill in bed all day. I'm not gonna. I'll attempt to be productive, even if it kills me.
uhhh ... I guess that's it. things are alright. not bad at all, really.
:)
12:08 a.m.
Sunday, April 29, 2001
not much to say, really --
school today. three clients. no tips. ha! But it isn't about the money, it's about the education.
I am getting better with my stupid ass roller sets, which is good because I now have a woman who will be coming in every saturday morning for me to do roller sets on. Her name is Emily and she rules. heh. I also relearned how to do cornrows today, which I'm certain will be a skill to get me through life. yes. those three clients took up my entire day. The first two even overlapped. the problem was that the second client I had, I permed, then trimmed her hair, then gave her a roller set. That's a lot of time. and the cornrows to the last client took a while to start. but it all ended up in smiles and joy. rather.
apparently my sister was visiting today, not that I would know, as I was at school and she didn't come to see me or anything. but I'm not bitter. My dad asked what I did after school (as I didn't get home until 10 or so) and I told him that I wrote in the park, then went to Border's to chill with some of my friends. He said I should have come home to see my sister. Ok. 1) I didn't know how long she'd be around. 2) She could have easily come to school to see me.
Anyway, that argument makes me feel like I'm 10. young. my family is insanely selfish. we really don't do anything for each other that isn't equally self-serving. I hate it. human nature my ass.
I am going to start writing stories for my emily website. I would link to it, but there's nothing there. it is hosted by dan and will feature emily stories, comics, etc. That means they'll be by, for, and/or about emilies. should be a great deal of fun. the thing I'm working on now is very self-centered, and is called "disection of a life." It will be a roughly detailed outline of your's truly with links to more in-depth looks at certain parts of my life. should prove to be interesting, if I ever manage to get it off the ground. I might just give the info to someone else and tell them to have a go at it. damnable coding.
so tomorrow (technically today) I will be going to spoutwood farms to work more on the stages and other things. hopefully prettify things so I feel better about them. I should be in a better mood as well, as I've not fought or had disagreements with anyone I care deeply about lately. always a plus.
usually, at least.
as a parting gift, I leave a memory of the shoes that I once wore daily, and were my favorite. long live the purple jack purcell's with the bright green laces. 
adieu.
12:26 a.m.
Friday, April 27, 2001
questioning my motives ...
I hung out with a guy I dated for two weeks last summer. Dave. It was fun. We went to a coffee shop and I had chai (oops, slipped on the no dairy thing .. ) and it was awful. ha. damn powder packet chai. but still, it was fun. I met some of his new chess freak friends and was amused.
yesterday I went to my old highschool (YCDS [york country day school .. yes, a private school]) to kill time before meeting Carissa. I saw some old friends and the new soccer coach, then headed over to York College. Carissa and I went to the student written/produced one acts and short plays and it was awesome. Met more new fun type people. good stuff all around.
afterwards, Letitia and I drove around a bit and walked around the park I always go to read. we talked and I shook the branches of a flowering tree and watched the petals fall around us. it was nice.
I feel alright. Everything will be doubly fine when I get a job and money and can pay off my bills and everything.
wow. I hate money.
11:38 p.m.
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
My song for the day!
ahem. "I am so cheeeeesy!!!!! I am a hopeless romaaaaantiiiiic. Cheese cheese cheese cheese, though I don't eat dairy!"
Yeah. I wrote it in response to a comment I made about how much I love spring, but how it would be nice to have "someone" to share it with. But I'm rather enjoying it alone as well. Today I spent three hours in the park, reading. Actually, the first half hour or more was spent drawing a new Angry Moe comic, as I haven't drawn one in quite some time. The full title is "Angry Moe : the story of teen angst ... gone dumb." I started drawing it when I was still in college. In fact ...
[fade to a dim cafe. it is the non-alcoholic bar on Goucher, The Gopher Hole. Camera pans across the crowds, some people sit at the bar with coffee and other beverages. Pan over to a table where two odd looking girls are sitting. One is drinking coffee from a huge mug while the other draws in a beat up sketch book.]
EMILY: Hey Sharyn. Check this out [EMILY holds a picture out toward SHARYN] .. what do you think I should call him? Angry something ..
SHARYN: Moe. Definitely a Moe.
EMILY: Moe! I like it. Angry Moe! And this guy, here [EMILY points to another figure on the page]. He looks like a cat, but he isn't. He'll be in every frame that Moe is. His main point in existance is to annoy Moe.
SHARYN: Sounds good.
[Fade to black. The last image should be SHARYN calmly sipping her coffee as EMILY ecstatically scribbles more in her sketchbook.]
So Angry Moe was born. My alter ego. Disillusioned punk rock guy, forever in either huge boots or clunky Chucks, cargo pants or shorts (in various states of disarray), an anarchy shirt with a safety pin or two, pierced eyebrow and pierced ears. He's charming in his love for Hot Chick, a hardcore girl with huge breasts who has no idea that Moe likes her. In fact, she has a crush on Not-A-Cat, despite the fact that everytime he sees her he says, "heh. boobies" and has never shown affection for her. Such is the way with women.
I miss drawing Angry Moe. It's always really poorly drawn, especially when there are big gaps of time between comics and I forget what a character looks like. But I can change it at whim, as it is MY comic.
And only my close friends and I ever see it.
In other news, my dad has been really awful with the racial slurs lately. I've been eating a lot of rice lately, and he said, "If you keep eating rice, you're going to start getting slanted eyes." After a bit of a pause, I said, "what's up with the racial slurs lately, dad?" and he started guffawing, claiming he knows just how to push my buttons. great. just what I need. "You might as well make fun of gays next."
I guess I"m just being too serious. It happens sometimes. Yeah ...
But school's ok! ANd it's spring! AND I LOVE SPRING!!!
YAAAAAAAAAY!!! Everything is alright! Except for my financial problems! But so many other things are ok, I just can't get too down about it all.
Yeah!
08:13 p.m.
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
f. today's entry starts with f.
see, in internet explorer, when I type a letter into the little box titled "pagename," all the previous things I've typed into that little box magically appear. I started typing in all the letters in the keyboard, one by one, and realized F had been jilted. So today's your day, F! Reign supreme!
In other news, I realized today how completely my car describes me. Anyone looking through my car (or at my car) would know me just as well as all my friends. or have a pretty good idea where my interests lay, at least.
You look in my car and see an open bookbag with Uncle Tom's Cabin, Red Mars, A Simple Path (by/about my idol, the dalai lama), a sketchbook, and a huge journal. On the floor of the passenger side is a bag made of duct-tape full of music. my old wallet sits in the little cubby under my radio. various random stuff hangs from my rearview mirror (mini mr. potato head, a metal pickle, checkerboard patterned charm, a string turtle, a transparent green skull and crossbones, etc). there are stickers stuck to my dashboard ("we are the future, let's make it drug free," "action not glamour," band stickers and random little ones .. like a small one of my friend Carissa and I). in the back seat I have two coats, maps, more books (ABC of Anarchism being one of them), and whatever migrated from the passenger seat to the back. there are also toys sitting on the ledge above the back seat, and my grey fedora. a windshield scraper also sits in the back year round, showing my practical side. ha. along with the more-than-likely outdated maps. stuff stuff stuff everywhere. Just like me.
so that was the description of stuff in my car in case you ever happen to see a green 1998 VW golf chilling in your neighborhood with stickers all over it. band stickers, funny stickers, serious stickers. just everywhere. like me. every aspect of my life somehow just goes to further describe me. even though I'm slowing down, the rest of me persists.
yes, I'm slowing down. it feels like it, at least. I don't have the boundless energy I used to. I'm glad I've finally gotten my ambition back, but the energy .. well .. it takes a bit more nowadays to force it out of me.
oh. for some reason that reminds me of something. the whole "slowing down" sparked a "settling down" thing in my head, which made me remember something that happened at school today.
At cosmetology school, most of the females there are concerned with few things : appearance, significant others, children, and gossip. I really don't care much about any of those, or at least not in the same way. So yet another person has become engaged at my school, and marriage has been on the mind. I was sweeping the clinic floor and bumped into someone. I was promptly told that I had to spit on the broom or else I'd never get married (silly little weird superstitions). I cheered. "Yay, I'm never getting married!" I was rather happy about the entire thing. Then the three people standing about tried to convince me that I really did want to get married. How wrong they are ...
just another institution to proclaim ownership over someone else. but maybe I just tell myself that. who knows?
but really, if I ever find that "certain someone" I wouldn't marry them unless it was ok for me to marry them regardless of their gender.
yeah.
I think I'll sleep now. but carissa and I are hanging out on thursday and seeing Letitia's one act play! yay!! neat! plans! are! good!
the end!!!
ps. I worked more on the painting though that's only part of it.
11:12 p.m.
Monday, April 23, 2001
weird.
rather than reiterate my day, I'm just going to post an email I sent to my friend mike. Or at least most of the email.
I'm really insanely tired. I hung out with my friend letitia today and we walked around a lot. it was good stuff. I had a mango italian ice and it was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good.
when I got home, my dad was like "where were you?" even though when I left I told him where I was going. You think that when you turn 20 you can stop answering to parents. I guess that only works if you don't live with them. anyway, I said "I was hanging out with my friend Letitia." First thing he says is not, "Did you have fun?" or, "What did you do?" it's, "Is she white?"
...
WHAT?!
It was weird. especially since I didn't think my dad was like that. I could understand the curiosity with a name like Letitia, but you could at least be polite about it before you rush into the whole racial assumptions thing.
wack.
anyway, that was a little tidbit of a day in the life of me. I was an hour late getting to her house, we walked to her college and went to a young democrats meeting (though I'm not a democrat) and just chilled.
yeah. also last night I had really bizarre dreams. incredibly bizarre. like, weird people doing ballet in their underwear while a sheep ran around in the audience bizarre. steve driving a car in which the driver's side was on the right side as he held a gun to his own head bizarre.
It was weird weird weird. and tomorrow there are going to be very few people in school because there's some kind of trends show going on that most of the students will be at. I'm not, because I didn't have the money to go. Oh well. They will learn the newest styles in cosmetology while I do make up work and clients. Darn.
so now, I sleep. *yawn*
gnight.
11:03 p.m.
Sunday, April 22, 2001
oh man oh man.
yesterday, what a day. what a day, a day, a day.
so I had school. I was there 5 minutes early. did a roller set, a birthday girl, lunch, then took an appointment for my classmate Nikki. two of my other classmates were telling me that this woman that I'd be doing was awful, and no one could ever do her hair right (according to her), and last time she was there she caused such a scene that one of the teachers had to talk to her. It ended up being all lies, which made me feel awful. I hadn't been mean to the woman, but I wasn't as curteous as I could have been. boo on me.
but in all, school was fine.
afterwards I went to John's place. he was letting someone have a show in his basement, so I helped him clean it up a bit. I went mainly because I wanted to see Cain (and John) and my friend April, who moved to alabama or something a month ago. her exboyfriend, keith, lives with John at John's aunt(maria)'s house (where the show was being held. phew. just trying to make this clear .. ). so april showed up with her new boyfriend, Ash, and I was excited. She didn't stay long though, what with the bad memories of the house, so she deposited Ash and went on to another of her friend's houses. April eventually came back and asked John if she could go to keith's room to see if he had any of her stuff, as apparently her old house had been broken into and trashed, and all her stuff was missing. of course she blamed keith. John told her she could, and I quickly offered to follow as I did not want her breaking stuff.
the moment she walked into his room, she picked up his phone book and flung it. I was shocked, and ran over and picked it up off the floor. She took it from my hands and threw it again. I told her not to trash keith's room, as she didn't know if he had really been the one who had broken into her house. She didn't listen to anything I said, though she didn't break anything. She did steal his vcr and other things, and refused to listen to any sense I tried to talk into her. She left in a hurry, leaving me to wonder what to do. In the end I did nothing but resume my post on the porch, while I read Brave New World.
I stayed on the porch for the entire show, actually. I didn't feel like being in the dark smelly basement watching bands I'd never (or, in one case, barely) heard. not yesterday, when it was so beautiful out. then john rushed out of the house. apparently maria had seen keith's room and told john, who then told me. I explained what had happened. he was upset that I hadn't told him, but it actually hadn't occured to me. April and Ash had already left, so John called april's mom, and then keith.
the show went on. john returned to the basement. I continued reading my book. the bands kept playing. keith arrived with his new girlfriend (and april's arch nemesis from ages before), Emily. not me. just another random Emily. keith began verbalizing his plans to smash in april's car window, which I tried to dissuade him from. I really hope it worked. though later John said it wasn't keith I'd have to worry about, it was Emily. christ.
so yeah. still the show went on. I kept reading. bands kept playing. drama continued. Then, John came outside and said that anyone parked in the church parking lot (his house is directly beside a church) needed to move their cars as the police would be arriving soon. Though I moved my car, the police still shut down the show. Apparently one of the bands and their roadies were drinking behind the church and left their bottles and trash there.
morons.
so the show was transferred to a place called the NOLO house, but I decided to go home instead. I don't remember what I did, but I think it was mainly talk to people online, discuss my disatisfaction, and then eat and go to sleep.
Today I got up early and went to Spoutwood Farms to decorate stages for the fairy festival. I woke up feeling sad, and the feeling persisted for the entire day. I'd hoped that being at Spoutwood would help me feel better, but it didn't. I just got a little sun burnt and didn't do as good a job on the decorations as I'd hoped.
I've also been distressed about steve. damnable boy. I think I've finally figured out everything, though, after talking to some of my friends. it's nice to have friends.
anyway. john told me that keith got his stuff back from april without any havoc being wreaked. *phew*
erm. I don't really have anything else to say, I guess. except that it sucks that tonight simpson's was a rerun.
09:00 p.m.
Friday, April 20, 2001
something beautiful happened today.
I got to school 15 minutes early. I did make up work (as I hadn't been there for 2 months). I talked to people that I like. I ate spaghetti. Mmm... spaghetti. It was a pretty good day at school. afterwards I went to the library to return 1984 and picked up Brave New World and Uncle Tom's Cabin. Then I went to a park and started reading B.N.W. It was about 5pm by that time. Around 5:30 or so all these small children started showing up at the baseball diamond down the hill from where I was sitting. By 6 there was a full-blown practice going on, with parents at the sidelines (some of them on the diamond, helping out). It was very surreal for me. I was sitting on the green green grass by a beautifully blooming tree, bundled in an animal print furry coat and blue scarf, reading a book about totalitarianism, when these small children (I'm guessing they were 6 or 7, I don't know, I'm awful with ages) started appearing from behind me, and running to this baseball diamond. It looked like I was there to watch, so the parents probably thought I was loony (as though my appearance would not have been enough to make them think that in the first place). Anyway, I read a good bit of the book, then headed home.
On the way there, I was struck with inspiration for a painting. here are pics of what I've worked on so far. It's apparently 4'x8' and I had to drag it to the living room from the upper part of the barn. It's done in oil pastels so far, with the wings in gesso (I didn't really have much white paint) and the camera done in red sharpie with a cut out heart in the lens. Exciting!
So that's what I've been doing today. It's been a good day. I called Jared and we talked a lot and it's just so nice that we're friends again.
The end!
10:22 p.m.
Thursday, April 19, 2001
school is still school.
I got blisters on my fingers from excessive curling iron usage on my manequin. It will fade.
While in the kitchen this evening, I was struck with a startling sense of nostalgia. I was remembering being in a pool in august, in North Carolina with a boy I had met. I can't remember his name anymore, but I believe he was vacationing there from Texas. My sister and I met he and his friend Zack at an arcade we frequented. We hung out a couple times. one day we ended up at their place, and I kissed the boy whose name I can no longer recall. It might have been steve.
one night, we all went to a pool which had a hot tub on the side. I lay in the water, holding onto the nameless boy, looking up at the moon. the feeling of peacefulness, of ephemerality, that I felt that night struck me very hard in the kitchen tonight. the knowledge that, at that moment, everything was beautiful and everything was fine, but only for that moment. true happiness for a breath.
it would be nice to be in that situation again, with a boy I can never get the chance to get tired of, surrounded and boyoued by water, held by him, staring up at the moon. it was like love solidified.
anyway. I had an alright day. except it took me two hours to fall asleep, and I woke up late today and ended up getting to school at 11 instead of 9. d'oh. it was ok. Afterwards, I came home and read the remainder of 1984 on the green green lawn to the setting sun. I ate ramen for dinner and cooked spaghetti for lunch for tomorrow. um. started laundry. listened to atom & his package, suicidal tendencies, and bloodhound gang.
cursed my O key, which only works when it feels like, and which I must press repeatedly when it doesn't.
mm .. thought about .. that boy .. that I said I wouldn't talk to anymore but whom I'm talking to now. I guess I could help it, but I won't.
09:29 p.m.
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
ugh.
I'm so stuck on how shitty my birthday was, though it was two weeks ago. I am ok with it, until I read about some great birthday someone else had. I am such a bitter jealous freak.
and I guess I'm not talking to steve anymore. he talks about this girl that just uses him all the time, and he knows it. :
me: I should stop talking to you.
him: kinda like last night?
me: kind of. but in a more permanent way.
him: you don't want to talk to me anymore?
me: because I don't feel like being tooled with. and Idon't feel like hurting myself repeatedly like I am right now.
him: because of jennifer?
me: jennifer helps.
him: hrm
me: I can't talk to someone who so freely allows themself to be abused.
him: oh...
me: and pines for their abuser. and complains about being abused, but does nothing to stop it. and I realized that that's all I'm doing. and I don't want to anymre.
So it's a cold spring day, here on the farm. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at noon. I guess from depression, as the last person I talked to last night was Steve and things didn't exactly end on a good note.
I go back to school tomorrow. I need to do laundry.
I miss so many things. I feel pretty sad. I guess it will pass.
04:56 p.m.
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
hey wow.
Despite the stressors currently in my life, my counselor has decided she only needs to see me every other week now.
Interesting.
just thought that should be known. I must have been in a really good mood today or something.
Oh, and I read The Compleat Moonshadow today (and no, that's not a misspelling) and it's beautiful and astounding. Please read it.
06:38 p.m.
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
a miracle.
I went to bed last night at 11pm, and woke up around 8am today. I can't believe it. A normal amount of sleep, at a normal time. Not only that, when I got up today I made myself breakfast. astounding.
I got a vid of old Space Ghost Coast to Coast shows in the mail yesterday as a belated birthday present from my "friend" Tony. I watched half of it before I went to bed. Good stuff. How I love it.
Oh, and my psychiatrist says he doesn't need to see me anymore. That rules. I see my counselor today, at 1:30. It's nice out, though a wee chilly. That's exciting as well.
Man. The more beautiful the spring, the more I long for someone to share it with. Ugh. I feel pretty lonely right now, all melancholy and stuff. But I am so against the idea of going out and trying to find someone just to have a significant other. Also, I'd probably have to severely alter my appearance to attract anyone hereabouts, which happens to be another thing I'm very against. Me forever and screw the rest.
But in all, I feel pretty good. I go back to school on Thursday. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to go away. I need a job. I'm ok.
the end.
12:18 p.m.
Monday, April 16, 2001
I had a weird vegan dream last night.
I dreamt that I told my dad I was going vegan (which is true) and then went away somewhere. When I came back, my dad was in the driveway and gave me a cookie. I ate it, and realized somehow that it was a vegan chocolate chip cookie. My dad then introduced me to some random vegan guy that he had found that had helped him prepare the cookies. I was instantly enamored. We talked a lot, and I thought things were going well. Then my sister appeared and proceeded to deftly steal him away from me without doing a thing. I became increasingly distressed as he ignored me more and more and followed my sister around. Finally I retired to the top of the barn where I cried. my sister came into hte barn then, but I don't think she noticed me crying or knew how upset I was. I don't remember what else happened. I just remember being really into this vegan guy, and then him becoming enamored with my sister. It sucked.
and that's my story. I leave in a few minutes for a psychiatry appointment, so I can tell the guy that I'm ok off my meds and should be forever more.
the. end.
02:10 p.m.
Monday, April 16, 2001
easter, what a lie.
I didn't really do anything today. today being the 15th, as I have not slept yet. anyway. Joey Ramone, front man of one of the most influential punk bands in history, died from lymphatic (excuse my poor spelling) cancer today. today being sunday. not monday. It is a sad occasion. He was 49, I believe.
right now this guy I know is complaining to me about how his 15 year old punk friends are upset about joey ramone's death. He gets no sympathy from me, as the punk scene as we know/knew it probably would not be what it is today if it hadn't been for the Ramones revolution. They may not have been highly talented, but they set a trend that is still in existance today. loud, fast, hard. they didn't have hits, but they had heart. viva ramones.
and all you who don't want to hear it should probably rethink your reasons.
02:47 a.m.
Sunday, April 15, 2001
hello hello hello.
It has come to my attention that I am being VERY BORING.
I apologize. Today (today = saturday because I haven't gone to sleep yet) I did stuff. It was good stuff. I hung out with my friend Jared, whom I hadn't hung out with in months. It was a beautiful day and we had a beautiful time. Lovely. Ducks and parks and fun trees.
Friday Sharyn and I saw Jets to Brazil, then went to a bonfire. It was fun. Got home at 7 am, slept until 1, then went to see Jared. Full circle.
I go back to ye ole cosmetology school on Thursday. Boo.
Dis!joint!ed!!! Ah!!!
04:30 a.m.
Friday, April 13, 2001
themestream.com is shutting down.
it sucks for me.
um. guess i'll have to find some other creative outlet. again. argh. my head hurts.
I didn't do a lot today. I'm back in pennsylvania. I went to Kurt's on the 11th and we walked around Red Bank, NJ. I went to Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash and looked at the overpriced comic books. found an awesome expensive (ugh!!) vegetarian resaurant called Down To Earth. yum yum. I am now officially totally broke. I need a job.
and my dad has to pay a lot in taxes so he's going to be very broke soon, which is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. but it's ok. things will work out. they have no choice.
I go back to school soon. weela. Sharyn's taking me to see Jets to Brazil. friday the 13th. neato.
started reading animal farm today by the light of the setting sun. It's great.
kind of tired of making myself stay sad. makes sense, doesn't it?
I don't know what else to say ...
sorry.
12:36 a.m.
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
so I've been 20 for a week now..
apparently now that I'm no longer a teenager, I should no longer be full of angst. It just isn't right. So, I guess I'll have to rework everything so instead of being angst-like, I will instead just be lonely and bitter. Or at least bitter. I'm not so lonely, I guess. just .. *sigh* inside. Ha! Wait! That was angst!
Anyway, I'm in new jersey right now, staying at Paul's. We just got back from seeing Alkaline Trio and Dismemberment Plan. Also some NJ local band, Life Goes On, played, but they sucked. Right. So AT and DP rocked out so hard I got cds by both of them (though I already have 2 albums by Alk3) and an Alkaline Trio shirt. I'm such a ... a... something. I loved them.
Right. So. I was in Boston from Friday to Monday. Then I came to New Jersey. I guess tomorrow I'll go home. Boston was good. I hung out with Eric (guy I met on punkrock.net way back when), whom I also stayed with, and also met Steve, boy of my literal dreams, and had lunch with my brother. All in all, it was a grand trip. Got the new Atom and His Package and an old Suicidal Tendencies album at Newbury Comics. I contemplated getting the new Preacher but didn't. I don't know why.
So, I'm feeling alittle weird right now. Haven't been home for 5 days, and that's the way I like it. Seems like I'm fine anywhere but home. and I keep thinking about steve. Damn my emotions. Damn my head. Damn my heart. Damn my mind. Damn damn damn. He's the kind of guy I fall hardest for. Intelligent, intense, poetice, and broken. Sometimes two halves don't make a whole, they just stay as two halves. That would be us. Or me. I dunno.
So I start school again in a week. Aaargh. Guess I should look over my notes and books and stuff so I can actually remember how to do everything. heh. fuck.
Yeah. It's been fun and everything. I don't think I'll be updating this as much. Despite the length of this entry, I just haven't really felt like saying a lot. It's weird that originally this thing was supposed to be for stories, not journal like entries. And it's degraded so into this ...
I'm sorry.
For everything.
12:12 a.m.
Thursday, April 5, 2001
today I did STUFF!!!
I got up at 9:20 and went to my counseling appointment then met a guy that I'd been talking to on sparkmatch who it turned out I already knew. This is the second time this has happened to me. It's funny for me.
Oh, and my birthday sucked a lot. but thanks to all the people that wished it to be happy despite the incredible odds against such an occurrence.
But I'm not bitter.
I'm going to boston tomorrow. I'll be staying with my friend eric for most of the time (three days or something). It should prove to be interesting. I wanted Kurt to go with me but his foot is messed up from being broken and he didn't want to slow me down. I'll miss him :(
I have to pack and stuff. figure out what I'm doing, exactly :) Ah, spontanuity, how I love thee.
right. today I also did laundry. and took my stupid ass cell phone to get repaired (goddamned technology). I also took my camera to the Camera Shop, but it doesn't do in store repairs, so I held onto it. rar!
I ran into my friend Sarah last night at a play I went to. We went to Denny's and I tried to tell her I have dry humour. She said something like, "no, I have dry humour. You have bitter and sarcastic humour." And you know what? I couldn't disagree (::for all you double negative naggers, that means I agreed::). right. I had fries and grits. mm. I think Denny's is the only eating establishment (I hesitate to use the word restaurant ..) in the northern US that serves grits. I bet the McDonald's in the south have grits as a side order. It wouldn't surprise me.
In other news, I am apparently a man. This is what the spark gender test has told me two times in a row now. And we always believe what the internet says, now don't we kiddies?
And away! I! Goooooo!!!
09:58 p.m.
Wednesday, April 4, 2001
hey hey, they say it's my birthday...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
I rule.
01:32 a.m.
Tuesday, April 3, 2001
in some places, it's already my birthday.
but here in america, it's still just the day before.
stupid america.
not much has been going on here in Pennsylvania. I hung out with April and Dahni on sunday. we watched lots of Tex Avery cartoons and other stuff. I have fallen into that awful sleep cycle again .. go to bed at 6am, get up at 6pm. I'm gonna break out of it for my birthday though, because my dad and I are going to have a bit of brunch.
for now, htough, I really have to finish this picture i started drawing for my dad. as yet I have no birthday plans. sharyn wanted me to go with her and some friends to see amy ray. it is appealing. dave, the guy my friend april (not the one from sunday) was trying to set me up with, wants me to go to a punk show with him. also appealing. I probably won't end up doing either. :(
ok. well. away I go.
07:42 p.m.
Sunday, April 1, 2001
ok!
hopefully I archived this crap the right way. It's the third or fourth time I've done it, and I'm still paranoid I've done it wrong.
So, I love Movies with Heroes. A lot. They are one of my favorite bands right now. I saw them last night with Ran Away to Sea who also rocked the casbah, One AM Radio, Dynasty (jared and alex's band), and some bands I didn't like that I therefore will not mention. I saw all the people I used to be close with but had grown apart from .. and now am ok with again. Rachel, Jared, Alex, Sharyn, Elley. Plus some others. yeah.
April is coming over now so I can give her the mousey for her snake. tee hee hee hee.
I've determined that I will only ever crush on guys that won't return the crush and on ambiguously straight girls. Goddamn it. What a fun game to play by myself.
Slept too much. Lost an hour because of daylight's saving. stupid thing. Had a dream about a train. Hrm. Happy April Fool's day .. I doubt I'll be doing any jokes, but that's because I forgot it was today.
Three days and counting. Guess I should find something for my dad, since we share the same birthday.
I'm gonna try to go to Boston. Ireally want to. Apparently I can't stay with my brother, so I'll look up hostels today, perhaps. Or something.
yeah archives.
04:41 p.m.
