meditate
Friday, July 7, 2006

moved out last jun. there's a spring in my steps n a peace around. Peace is boring, for sure. No longer do I have to watch myself, or wake up in mornings to the sound of someone complaining. But peace is e smell of lavender n rose candles burning, staying up to listen to the radio, n being woken by sun thru the windows. My heart has not learnt to riot on an empty street yet, but it treads carefully in the unexplored world.

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meditate
Friday, July 7, 2006

moved out last jun. there's a spring in my steps n a peace around. Peace is boring, for sure. No longer do I have to watch myself, or wake up in mornings to the sound of someone complaining. But peace is e smell of lavender n rose candles burning, staying up to listen to the radio, n being woken by sun thru the windows. My heart has not learnt to riot on an empty street yet, but it treads carefully in the unexplored world.

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special day
Thursday, June 8, 2006

19th of June. It's gonna be a special day for me.

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I keep deleting my angry entries. Subconsciously, I haven't accepted being angry reasonably is ok.

Anyway, the PARENT says if I move out I will regret it. I think the only thing I regret and which is not my fault, is being born here.

Made a recording of him trying to manipulate me to believe You-are-a-shit-for-hurting-me-you-have-the-devil-karma-will -get-you-your-mum-should-not-be-nice-to-you-i-will-beat-you-up spiel that lasted close to one hour.

How I wish I would have the courage to face the monster himself and say calmly, "You know what, just fuck off, I'm moving out. I hope you are happy now."

I never wanted to move out under such a situation- however- :( it would mean not being able to contact my mum and sis for some time...

It would be right however. meanwhile, anyone who opens a place where i can throw plates or something can contact me, i'll be the first customer...haha

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I understand moving out isn't going to solve all problems I have with my family- because part of the problem lies with me and how I react to it. When that parent stops being the source of my problems, other targets will take his place. I got to learn how to be angry, and when. It's not wrong to be angry. It's just wrong to lash out crazily. It's also wrong to numb it and make it into self-anger( for not reacting).

I need therapy for someone to teach me how to be angry? Yeah. I think I need it someday.

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Job Search update
Friday, May 26, 2006

A friend of a friend who moved out has moved back into his parent's home. Oh well, guess life out there can be tough. Financial commitments, washing laundry, cooking your own food, loneliness. Anyway, I'm going to make it my 2006 resolution to get a job that pays me enough to rent a place and take care of my expenses soon. And not to be desperate enough to pick up any old job.

Anyway, been thinking whether to work for mediacorp on proj basis- if I do, I hope I don't have to turn down any full time jobs... Should I let them know I'm still on the search?

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Tiong Bahr part 2
Monday, May 22, 2006

I went with R to another place at Tiong Bahru- great location, nicely renovated bedroom, nice owner. EXCEPT: price tag $450/mth or $600/mth for 2 persons. Just wish I knew someone who wants to move out now. We could share the rent... ;)

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The white jacket
Monday, May 22, 2006

It's not what it sounds like. Shopping can be a lovely way to while away the afternoons (when you are unemployed)or a torturous exercise in patience. I tell myself- shop with a goal in mind- but linger in front of mirrors checking out forever how I look like something a boa constrictor swallowed.

Today's shopping trip was different. I was shopping for a jacket to wear to graduation day- and the perfect jacket presented itself to me at Zara. I didn't think much of it when I picked it up. This jacket was a white thick linen jacket with belt hoops and a wide fabric belt, a row of buttons and a v-shaped neckline and lined with satiny material. I actually had my sights on a cute brown pinstriped jacket.

Off I went into the closet with the skinny mirrors (they make you look thinner so you feel like buying the clothes)Tried on the pinstripe. Cute jacket. Tried on the white jacket.

I don't know whether you are as silly as I am; but I felt like a corporate hotshot. The white jacket was new money. I was tres chic as Tracy Philips. I vainly checked out every angle- yes, coming along, look out world! I was willing to bang down $135 worth of notes on it. It could have been the top down yellow lighting that subtly played up the beautiful white. Halo-effect on the white. I could imagine walking into Balaclava, meetings with big clients, graduation with that white jacket. Nobody would care less if I was wearing a broken-in Panda singlet full of holes. It was me, even better than me.

Just $135 right? I took a look at the tag. $235. $235? You pay sweatshop workers peanuts to make these clothes, and you're charging me $235? I took one look at the jacket. I'm not really such a sucker... I walked out of Zara without the jacket. Sigh. End of crush.

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FUNK
Thursday, May 18, 2006

It's sad when you don't remember the things that used to make you happy. I'm in a funk most of the times, bad company. I used to meet people with a smile and crap a lot. Now I jus mooch around like someone's floorug.

Unwell- Matchbox 20

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me

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Update
Thursday, May 18, 2006

Unfortunately, the tiong bahru one didnt pan out. It was one of those retro SERS buildings- great location. My dream house HAS to be there. But I think I was quite shocked to see that I had to share a room with 2 other people. Wasn't prepared for it.

Right now, I have a contact in the same area that will rent out a room at 550 to me. Problem is, I need to find a roomie first. Place has aircon, lightcooking. Might check it out with a friend. Anyone know anyone who is moving out? Actually I think this house search is going to take longer than I thought. Sigh. I want to move out quite badly. Kind of know there's going to be compromises- no internet, no cooking etc- but I'm a person who can live without these things.

Other than that, I probably need to go learn driving now.

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Housing Agent woes
Saturday, May 13, 2006

I was speaking to a housing agent this morning. He is perhaps the worst agent I have talked to. This is how our convo when:

Agent: So you want to go and see the place?
Me: Yes. Can you give me the address?
Agent: You have to go there and see yourself.
Me: ...(why am I paying him?)
Agent: By the way, you know you have to pay asian fees.
Me: What asian fees?
Agent: You mean you dunno what is asian fees? Then I cannot rent to you. You are Singaporean you should know what is asian fees.
Me: Huh? You mean agent fees? Yes of course. (geez)

I had a little bit of time, then I decided to visit the place early, to see if I should keep my appointment. After seeing the place, I decided to call him up.

Me: Hullo
Agent: Ah, you the Singaporean girl yah?
Me: I went to the place. I don't quite like it. It's just by the lift and corridor.
Agent: The place is below market rate.
Me: And the place is very ulu.
Agent: Where got ulu? Downstairs got shop. You know you can't find a place so cheap. Other places all above $350.
Me: I don't think I want the place
Agent: How about the other place I recommend?
Me: I think its ok, I'll just give you a call another time.
Agent: You can't find a place so cheap, below market rate.
Me: Erm. It's ok.
Agent: (slams phone)

Evil nutter. The place he sent me to was in an old estate, had only one bus service and the room was just next to the lift. Who wants to sleep by a beeping lift that goes '3rd storey..beepbeepbeep'? And the shops he was talking about, half of them were shuttered (lack of business perhaps?). I had to walk a winding route up a quiet neighbourhood to get there. Being a person who always stays out late, its quite unacceptable for me to take 10min+ to walk home in dark quiet surroundings. He couldn't even be bothered to send me there, which makes me wonder why should I pay him. The last agent I talked to kept postponing my appointments with her- saying her hp was being serviced, she was ill, the owner not around. A total of about 5 times. After the last time, I didn't bother calling her anymore. Agent woes...

I'm resigned to finding my own place now. Called up this Malaysian lady staying in Tiong Bahru- seems very nice- volunteered her tv, washing machine, master bed(when she's away). Quite near the market too. But might have to share a room. Hopefully the place's nice too. Going there this sun.

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Recommended Blog
Thursday, May 11, 2006

Alfian Saat was one of the poets I admired on the poetry scene. I know his blog has been out here for quite some time, but a period of non-blogging coupled with disinterest in blogs for about year made me forget about it until I saw the link on Mr Brown's site. His writing is incisive and reflect the concern for Malay issues that often do not see the light of the day in govt-controlled media. Keeping an open mind is the best way to read it.

http://alfian.diaryland.com/malayvote.html

blogging / Malay / current affairs / singapore elections / singapore blog

/ malay swing vote

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No more blogging!
Monday, May 8, 2006

CNA claims: Impact of Internet on General Election likely to be studied after polls

SINGAPORE : The impact of the Internet at this General Election is likely to be looked at by the relevant ministry after the polls.

Information Communications and the Arts Minister Dr Lee Boon Yang said this is to assess the scale at which the new media, like blogs and podcasts, were used to influence views and shape opinions.

*Ominious* Deng-deng-deng! Yeah! Bann the whole internet! Everyone knows the internet corrupts. Yeah, now who will watch CNA, Mediacorp and how can advertising revenue come in?

Headliners: (present & future?) No racism! No pornography! No defaming teachers online! No political sites! No political championing online during elections! No political blogs! No blogging on overseas sites! No blogging with podcast! No blogging with pictures! No blogging without moderators! All bloggers must register with the MDA. (2006)

*Sniff* this is getting ridiculous.

blogging / podcasts / current affairs / impact of internet / singapore blog

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Site of the Month!
Monday, May 8, 2006

http://singaporegovt.blogspot.com/

is a good site to learn about almost everything you like to know about Singapore politics online but couldn't find.

The author, Thrasymachus does his homework, reading from books before he types down his article. It is quite rewarding to surf around a bit on the site as one may find info on past politicians, the General election and lots of interesting photos.

Another site worth looking at is http://papinsider.blogspot.com/ This author The PAP Insider blogs about issues from inside the PAP camp. Interesting read, with a good bit of analysis.

singapore elections / singapore politics / current affairs / democracy

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Singapore, you are not my country
Sunday, May 7, 2006

Betrayed. This is the first time I am voting. Aljunied: 43.1% for WP. I feel anger, hopelessness, distraught. A nation is build on a common dream. A common dream of equality, progress, justice, happiness, prosperity. A dream however, that has shattered too many times for people out there. Some would not survive this. Next election they will draw rubbish on their voting slips. KNNCCB, crosses everywhere, drawings of genitalia. Some, heartened by bravery of our failed army, WP, will post their confessions on forums that would become silent after this. Rendered mute again, subject to 5 more years of silence of their youth. Anger, that Singaporeans were all too ignorant and afraid.Only the Hougang and Potong Pasir people got guts.

The Pledge

We, the citizens of Singapore,
pledge ourselves as one united people,
regardless of race, language or religion,
to build a democratic society
based on justice and equality
so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and
progress for our nation.

Low Thia Khiang and Sylvia Lim asked the people to recite this with them at their last rally. Watching the video, http://sgrally.blogspot.com/, I saw and understood what those national day rallies could never replicate. No climbing up silly blow up mountains and communist style line-dancing. It was not something simply engineered. In my heart, I hope to recite this one day, when all this are not mere words, but truth that exists. Until that day, Singapore, you are not my country.

singapore elections / singapore politics / current affairs / democracy

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Memories of a rally
Saturday, May 6, 2006

This was the first time I had attended an election rally all by myself. Despite living 10 minutes by bus to the rally site, everybody in the bus took 1/2 hour t reach it. The jams were massive, and the crowd consisted of the young with their friends, and the old bringing along umbrellas. The crowd was nice and there was a strong sense of camadarie. It gave me a feeling of the real Singaporeans, stripped away of their facade. It just felt like a big kampung, Chinese, Malays, Indians, young and old, couples, singles and families.

The rally ended around 10pm and people started dispersing. However, the field had turned to mud. A woman in front of me started sinking ankle deep into the mud- I started to help her. PNobody was in a rush. People around me started chanting and happily clapping. The atmosphere was electrifying. Everyone was smiling with their eyes. I was myself surprised. A young boy annoyed, turned to his father and said, "Dad, this is a mad crowd!'. The father only smiled. All around me were strangers with mud on their shoes. I just wanted to shake hands with all of them...

singapore elections / singapore politics / current affairs

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Flaws inbuilt in Singapore politics
Friday, May 5, 2006

Reading political blogs the past few days gives the online community a false sense that support for the opposition is really fantastic. I think it may well be election fever drives us to overestimate the 'positives'- in this case; if you fit: young, well-informed, blogger- you would like to believe that an opposition GRC is possible. On one hand, while I laude that the opposition is preventing a single party parliment, I have doubts about what a PAP/WP/SDA/SDP led parliment can do.

Take the example of PAP: they were once the opposition. They championed socialist causes to win popularity. But PAP has come a long way from 1950 days. I think there are two answers to that- and more fundamental than saying 'PAP is bad, arrogant' etc.

One is there is a flaw inbuilt into the structure of the current democratic government. Another is Singaporeans simply love to give up their power in exchange for comfort.

The flaw I'm talking about is that the election of representatives are based little more than on character qualities and a vague party stand. Election time is when parties woo their voters whom they have neglected for the past 5 years. Citizen interests only get addressed in an open manner during then, and even so, the most astute will see little progress on issues. It's just the needle getting stuck in the same groove every rotation of 5 years.

The systems of feedback in a democratic government is supposed to the media. In singapore its the grassroots- let's take it they are both similar. Why? because ultimately both have vested interests aside from representing citizens views. The media can easily represent its biggest shareholder as a grassroot community will care that their political party looks good. Both systems do not set out actively to twart citizens- but a fact remains unless it is enshrined in the consitution and fastidiously stuck to- they will remain loyal to their biggest interest: party or business.

PAP has made some relevant points that running a government, things are different. Populist measures become more restrained and pragmatism starts to hit citizens, HARD. There is little question of if WP does become the government in 15 years the policies would be much different. We only hope that a system of effective checks and balances will hold the government more accountable than it is now. But it is hope that is quite myopic unless the system built from colonial times is changed.

Secondly, Singaporeans are known to be non-assertive. In a classroom or working enviro, Singaporeans are the same everywhere. They rather be 2nd best than top, they rather saboh people to be leaders than stand for class election, they rather complain and hope that someone else saves the day. The WP, if ever elected, will face what they call 'apathy', PAP minions calls 'entitlement' and what I call 'comfort zone'. People will give all their decision skills inbetween elections to their representatives. It's the 'heck care la' time.

The apathy is a big conseq of people finding a comfortable govt they trust, so they started taking a back seat and dozed off during the journey. What transcribes is like waking up in a sci-fic story. Hell, you don't recognise the changes! And you realised the people you voted for have changed into the types you thought were elitist and snobs. And then panic sets in.

I think Singapore as a social experiment (tt's what ppl think of this small island city) has proved- you can't predict what people and governments develop into. The Swiss have a system whereby people vote the parties that represent their interest; but with a true democratic twist; those parties need people to legistate any decision. The number needed to approve range from 5-10% of the total population. Swiss websites claim that their society is run on true democratic principles- "Citizens may seek a decision on an amendment they want to make to the Constitution. For such an initiative to be organized, the signatures of 100,000 voters must be collected within 18 months."

Citizens talk freely about decisions affecting them, knowing for sure they can actually support or vote against amendments inbetween elections. Parties there have no weight with unpopular decisions- even vote buying by tobacco companies will fail because citizens can make informed choices from representatives around. Yet have the citizens 'abused their rights' and voted off VAT(GST) and taxes? On the contrary, citizens who had more say in their cantons(GRC), paid their taxes more happily, knowing they were making an impact.

Democracies do not come in one type, some let their media turn into a circle, others quietly work it into their economic systems; it is unfair to say freedom=politics of spectacle: aka violent street protests and smarmy spin doctors.

I think WP is right in predicting changes in the political scene in the next election- however, I hope all parties will think deeply about whether Singapore is posed on a watershed to help change (get back to basics) democracy like the Swiss and let the power rest on the people. Power to the people 'swiss style' means also political parties will not be so important for citizens. The party will fade but the people will thrive. Which party wants that? But if you are for the nation; it will mean Singapore will reach the mark of a 'First World' nation: an intellegent, actualised citizenry that is no longer the mockery and abuse of the Asia Pacific democracies and freedom indexes...

singapore elections / singapore politics / current affairs

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General Election nears...
Friday, May 5, 2006

People are warning that PAP will be anxious today and tmr to do all they can to make sure their percentage of votes do not decrease. It means in election parlance: watch your feet cause it might get messy. These pictures speak for themselves why.

http://xialanxue.blogspot.com/2006/05/picfest.html

PAP rally Tamp

WP rally AMK

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Direct Democracy- Singapore?
Sunday, April 30, 2006

Direct Democracy- the Swiss example

Direct Democracy is a system where citizens can directly participate in all laws and legistations, and where the elected lawmakers are actually executive agents rather than representatives. Switzerland is a country running on this 100 year system. This website helps inform us of the economic effects of DD and also debunks myths of the incompetent citizenry which cannot, nor should be trusted by their representatives in parliment to make decisions of the state.

In the past, Singapore has always wanted to be like Switzerland economically- perhaps it would be enlightening to see how the citizenry and system actually contributed to that. People have always known by instinct democracy and the correlation with positive well-being; yet also recognise that representative democracy today is full of flaws: once elected, leaders can do anything until the next election- perhaps in examining direct democracy we may see an innovative and tested measure that could well be the answer for democracy in the 21st century.

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Nomination Day
Thursday, April 27, 2006

Nomination Day in Singapore. How interesting. Worker's Party is contesting in Aljunied GRC where I stay. And their chairman Sylvia Lim is part of the team. Here's the websites to check out your local candidates and their party manifestos if you are voting this year...

1) Channel News Asia- On General Election
2) Workers Party
3) People Action Party
4) Singapore People Party
5) Singapore Democrat Party

Also, if you intend to blog about the elections: there are rules regarding them. Yawning Bread site is a must read for bloggers who intend to blog about the issues of the General Elections.

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The Crimson Room
Wednesday, April 26, 2006

If you like mystery and creepy japanese games- then, this is for you....

http://www.fasco-csc.com

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Singapore Bands Listing
Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Just set up this website to link up all singapore bands and music websites. If you have time, pls go there and check what other bands I could add. Thanks..:)

http://singaporebands.blogspot.com/

Comment: After getting my site up; i found this great site: http://localmusichere.blogspot.com/

This site probably has all the links to Singapore bands you can think of. Which kinda makes my site obsolete in a way... ;)

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Singapore Music
Monday, April 24, 2006

Singapore music

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To those who like retro videos...
Monday, April 24, 2006

Check out Scopitones- the first music videos back in the 60s... The french translation for the scopi Sado Maso is funny..

Man: Eat this spider!
Woman: Ok, but that's the last one.

Man: It's time for you to get whipped!
Woman: Oh great, I love that!

Man: Now burn my chest!
Woman: With what my love?
Man: Use your cigarette!
Woman: It's smells like grilled pork!

Pretty dancable track. Someone should relive it. "Saurai-Je?" is also sweet music.

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A Perfect Circle
Monday, April 24, 2006

When my blood pressure starts soaring, i listen to The String Quartet Tribute to a Perfect Circle. Calms me down immediately.

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Quiz
Monday, April 24, 2006

You scored as Dance. You should be a Dance major! Like a lithe ballerina, you dance because you believe there is beauty in expressing the physical form. Theater 67% Art 67% Dance 67% English 58% Linguistics 58% Mathematics 58% Journalism 58% Sociology 58% Anthropology 50% Chemistry 42% Philosophy 33% Psychology 33% Engineering 33% Biology 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

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Against Trusted Computing
Monday, April 17, 2006

Against TCPA.com Website

Watch this Against Trusted Computing video if you are interested stuff like Creative Commons and free access to the IT/Software market, liberty of opinion and the free speech on the internet.

Video at Utube

"TCPA stands for Trusted Computing Platform Alliance. It was founded 1999 by Compaq, HP, IBM, Intel and Microsoft. This plans that every computer will have a TPM (Trusted Platform Module), also known as Fritz-Chip, built-in. these functions will be directly included into CPUs, graphiccards, harddisks, soundcards, bios and so on. The long term result will be that it will be impossible to use hardware and software that's not approved by the TCPA.

There will be high costs to get this certification. Therefore open-source and freeware would be condemned to die, because without such a certification the software will simply not work. In the long term only the big companies would survive and could control the market as they would like.
...Some could think that it should be possible to get around this security. But probably they would be proved wrong. Until now there're no such hardware-implemented security systems and actual security systems have to work offline. This would be changed with TCP."

If you want to create a idealistic world, then you got to be aware of what is happening.

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Wierd Al
Monday, April 17, 2006

For the fans of Wierd Al. Gets a little lame towards the end but good for a chuckle. The videos. Wierd al's rhcp
wierd al's eminem interview

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where to go babes
Sunday, April 16, 2006

Nice music pubs in Singapore?
1)eski bar
2)molly malone (cosy)
3)china one (SPG hangout- but nice furnishi)
4)este (LOL!- pole dancers and chinese band-itry- ultimate)
5)jazz at southbridge (haven been there for 5 yrs)
6)actor's bar
7)hideout (bloody hard to find- 30B uppercircular)
8)marrakesh (morrocan belly dancing got?)
9)oneNightStand (hmm..retro-wannabes migrate here)
10)attica (not sure i like e music)
11)Sake bar (sake!)
12)cafe cosmo (when they have nice music- I might go)
13)crazy horse
14)butterfactory
15)harry's (jazz anyone?)

Kinda of feeling a change in me- seem to be able to write more easily these days- haven't felt the massive psychological shift that would compel me to write poetry yet though.

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Hmm!
Sunday, April 16, 2006

Hmm athletic? LOL. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not exactly Marion Jones. Guys i'm attracted to: Shy, Romantic ,Conservative- hmm dunno about the conservative thing so I'll take Adventurous. hell. in all, pretty accurate. but maybe needs a 'ur ugly dating personality' too. but if the guy's shy- then i'm hopeless- i wouldn't do anything. ok, now u know- don't anyhow matchmake me again.. (tt goes 4 u, cres);)

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.

Your date match profile: Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date. Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Athletic 3. Romantic 4. Intellectual 5. Big-Hearted 6. Adventurous 7. Practical 8. Sensual 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Funny

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Shy 2. Romantic 3. Conservative 4. Adventurous 5. Athletic 6. Intellectual 7. Practical 8. Big-Hearted 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Funny

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

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Concave Scream at Timbre
Sunday, April 16, 2006

Concave Scream- Horizons: time to express your love.

Everytime there's a full moon. Did such Singaporean Music ever leave its base?

I don't know. The music almost killed me; opened the forgotten locked doors where a younger, idealistic, lovelorn, foolish self resided; where a flicker of a shadow on the wall was enough to trigger love. It's like time never extinguished that for Concave Scream.

And I'm glad. Tendrils of good feeling wrapped itself from the anterior to the posterior lobe. Certain music tickles the base of your spine and spread branch-like to your arms, some reach like a fist over your heart - listening to Concave Scream LIVE shook me up in the head and made the whole of my right side shiver.

I forgot who I was. Not momentarily. For a good half hour or more. Encores at Substation? yeah.

Don't quite know what is it about the CD recording though- there's this quality of flatness, almost monophonic compression- 'Mixdown was done via a vintage 1960s Neve 8058 console.' But that aside. The album is anthemic, melodic, nostalgic, a piece of art. Favourites: Sold- dark-toned reverbing shredding guitars-shiver!, Distance- bright optimistic. was quite influenced by live version.

The cover art is excellent- tin monsters riding rainclouds, thor-like throwing thunderblots (ah-ha alliteration). And you don't see them until you hold them at an angle. And the fact the cd n album cover could double up as a calendar together with some fiddly.. ingenious!

but I hope I'm not wrong in saying this.. could it be I needed to blast this album on huge speakers?

Solution? Listen to them live. OH BUT WHEN? 'It's been a long time coming.'

feel free to disagree.

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Jewel in Palace
Friday, April 14, 2006

somehow that's not the pict I was looking for...

You got watch 'Jewel in the Palace'? also called 'DaChangJin' sounds suspiciously like big intestine. It's some Korean show that was the hottest thing... one year back. Er, but nevermind ChU, I will continue to watch you cause I don't have SCV. One of the villains (u know she's a bad person cause she looks sideways when she is talking)says this, "One defect about such people(people who are fair) is that they always think others think like them." Yah man. What an insight.

I like the show cause I think the girl abit jia-lak like me- use too much brain. keke. but i fed up already. nowadays not using so much.

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Zippo blue sky
Friday, April 14, 2006

wah... the sky outside now is neon orange and zippo blue. 6am in the morning. Really nice. When I was in primary school, i used to wake up to milo and then stumble sleepy-eyed into tight calf-length socks and white elastic mary janes that would leave a shower of whitewash on Mondays(cause I painted my shoes on the weekends). Then I would go downstairs, at this time and wait for the old crickety diesel-engined schoolbus to roar to the front of my block. All the while wishing I could stay at home with my mother. :)

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Fiona Xie
Friday, April 14, 2006

Fiona Xie is cute, a little nutty and oh so lyrical. Quoting her in 8 days "Unfulfilled expectations are not healthy. I think it's best to just go along with it, slowly unravel the person together along with his flaws. Flaws make a person quirky; weird things make a person special." (about her dream guy). lol. this girl should write Hallmark cards! Sounds like she is quite a thinker too. Quoting this cause I find her quite cute and unpretentious.

smoking makes your nose and pee-siah smell. ugh. but if u dont smoke for damn long, its easier to get a nice high.

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Nugget of gold in steaming pile of crap
Friday, April 14, 2006

Never thought I'll say this, but I'm beginning to discriminate those who associate with people I dislike. (there's only one) Would you be friends with someone who hangs around shit? Unless there's a nugget of gold in that shit- used to think that of everyone- but hell, no more. no more these days. cause after people show you the gold, they decide to throw the shit in your face. Ooo

i wouldnt go n slam people who have good intentions but flub up. tt's ok.

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screening
Friday, April 14, 2006

I don't miss school one bit. There wasn't anyone I could commiserate with or swap gossip with at the screening of our graduating films. And not a drop of alcohol in sight.

That aside, Lynch was really a surprise- personal and well-shot/edited/sound brillant. Bu ye Tian was nice. Ah Po- as I've said, loved the compositions. Loved SnipSnip for its earthy humour. Travel On and Affliction was likeable.

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bedok reservoir, the ghetto
Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Bedok Reservoir is the pits. It's the ghetto of singapore. It used to be worse, with broken playgrounds and ugly markets, but it seems the place has undergone some surface improvement of sorts in recent years- what with the redesign of parks and renovation of markets. However, it is still a ugly place- teeming with mamapapa grocery stalls and 1 dollar discount stores with flashing christmas lights and cheapo factory rejects. It seems everytime I close my eyes, a new grocery stall seems to mushroom. However, it wasn't always like this. I remember we had nice dining resturants and the air had the smell of freshness and paint. The problem with Bedok Reservoir is its a transit place of sorts- the ugly place between Tampines and Bedok, or Eunos and Bedok, or Toa Payoh and Siglap, Orchard and the rest of the east. Office workers from nearby tech factories converge here- lending an ugly industrial feel to this ghetto. Houses near this area are neither as new as Tampines nor mariney as Siglap. Drunk fights used to break out at the coffeeshop in front of my house. The police station here attends to noise and crow nuisance complains. People here are boring, staid and dress dowdily. There is no entertainment for miles- unless you enjoy brisk walking and cooking classes at the local c.c. People are dumb here- they queue for hours at the local POSB bank when they can get atm cards to retrieve money. The most fun thing to do on weekends is to eat at the local MacDonalds. This place is famous of haunted empty flats near the expressway, and claims of pontianaks (see SPI stories) and stupid chinese here burn choking piles of hell money under your window. Neighbors burn your shoes and urinate at stair corners. The only saving grace to this place is the nice Malays here: from the POSB clerks and our neighbours. It's also way out - a friend called it Mordor- that's how far it is to the rest of Singapore. My sis n I are moving out of this place! 'course we said it since we were 13.

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Singing in the Rain Remix!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Singing In the Rain Remix Ad
Delightful. You really have to check this video out.

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Right brain drawing
Saturday, March 25, 2006

This drawing isn't so bad. I would say myself- quite surprised at how little effort it took- about 7mins. It's just a little technique where you concentrate on using your right brain. For instance, u this case, I turned the original pict upside down, played some music, and concentrated on the outlines and negative spaces rather than the size of the glasses etc. The music kind of distracts your rational left brain from saying things like 'the eyes gotto be higher'. Right brain drawing is more of going into abstraction. I can draw! :)

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Quote of the Day
Saturday, March 25, 2006

Voltaire "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."

How can certainty be absurd? Certainty: a state of forgone conclusion. Absurd: prone to ridicule. Without checking my directory: I would have expected CERTAINTY to mean something along the lines of positivity. Yet probing deeper- I realise why this quote confuses me. A more reasoning mind would have saw that Voltaire's quote was as clear as day. To me however, this quote was an interesting juxaposition NegativeNoun/NotPositiveAdjective and PositiveNoun/NegativeAdjective. Clearly, this thought process reveals more of me than the quote. It seems I have brought in beliefs and views that would definitely cloud Voltaire's quote. :)

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Idealist=>Free Spirit=>Rationalising Architect?
Saturday, March 25, 2006

I realised I have changed a lot: but it wasn't until I took a Myer-Briggs test today I realised I'm an INTP today.

An INTP is in a sense: Introverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving.

Was once an INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving) back in '02, and ISFP (Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) in '04. An INFP is sort of an idealist, a writer of poetry. An ISFP is somewhat an artistic free spirit. INTP is a logical architect.. Hmm. Interesting. It says "They strive constantly to apply logic to problems, and don't understand the importance of applying emotional considerations. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others." Also says I'm critical and nit-picking- haha.

You know, shame-faced but true. Maybe something I have to work on.

Actually at the age of 24, I kinda realise I'm more accepting of myself these days- I'm also slowing down getting dulled by the grind of life- there's very little to look forward to these days. Don't really know this means if I'm growing in maturity or means I'm becoming staid. Hope it's not the latter.

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Spending time on nothing
Monday, March 20, 2006

Ok guys, maybe it's not impressive- but i'm finished!
Been coding my site for these past few days and finally got the knack of making it dynamically resize to whatever window view it is. And it reads in 800X600 as well as 1024X760. But this is really for Firefox- as we know, IE is full of bugs. It's readable in IE too- but resized, it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, I was thinking of using frames- Tables are harder to code in WYSIWYG programs like Dreamweaver, but heard lots of unpleasant stuff about frames. Tried it- was really horrible to unbug.

And if you noticed- got something called a favicon up- a little cute cherry that appears in cache or bookmarks for my site. Pretty huh?

And I also managed to solve problems of horizontal vertical alignment- thank god- I had to take strong coffee. Was going to use layers for the titles- tt kept moving around independently of the website- solved that- but went back to tables as the script from Buzznet photos kept shifting in IE and Firefox.

Quite happy cause instead of the usual mess of codes- my codes these time are quite spare. Maybe next time I will try making my own graphical interface-all posh like this:

WidgetWidget

- but until then- whew! I'm happy. After almost 5 years of online presence- I finally know how to make my own webpages... Lovely. Now maybe I can tackle my dead poetry project.

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Erlend!
Saturday, March 18, 2006

Erlend in person! My sis met him eating at esplanade on Wed. She and her friend snapped pictures of him- unfortunately this was the only nice one... Then Faz and Hizuan saw him and Eirik at Poptart and took pictures with them. Damnit. Should have stayed...

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Kings of Convenience Esplanade!
Friday, March 17, 2006

I've been a bad girl. slob get your ass down early for appointments with people! Been chronically late for all meetings I had recently. I'm turning into my taxi-taking sister.

KOC! Sigh. I think I'm in love. Erlend Øye's(The Napolean Dynamite guy) hair is in the words of Faz's friend "so kinky" lol. I think she was checking out his butt. Haha. Went along with Lavi and Saj. Eirik Glambek Boe is the cosummante performer- while Erland's a fantastic entertainer. They are both such a great duo and lovely dudes- wisecracking and ironic, getting the audience to whistle "Stay Out of Trouble", hum, clap and dance on stage for "I rather Dance with You". The PA played a trick by turning the lights off during one of the songs- they had no problem playing 'Homesick' in the dark. Although the audience was rather reserved at the beginning- 'we were praying it wouldn't be a dull- I strum, I sing, I go off stage, I come back for an encore': We needn't have worried.

Erland set up the mood by commenting on the empty seats at the 2nd row. He bantered with the audience, 'saying he was a fan of people making use of opportunities'- a thumbs up grin to anyone who was listening- and 'the people sitting up in the ceiling'(top tier-that's us!). Appreciatively, we all laughed. Eirik also warmed up the crowd by offering to play a birthday song 'cause statistically in a audience of 1600 there were probably a few people with birthdays'. He and Erland then launched into a folksy little Norwegian birthday song. Surprisingly, there were people singing along. Eirik went on to joke that since there were 2000 Norwegians in Singapore, they were afraid about 1600 would turn up. He then added wryly in good humor to the rest of us Singaporeans- "they are the blonde ones".

The set was really minimal- it was just the two of them- 2 guys with a guitar an a piano and their fantastic down-to earth ability to connect to the audience like they were old friends. Occassionally Erlend would find it irresistible to dance- and he would do it, knees bendy, fleet footed. In an almost self-ironic humorous comment on their music- he would do a few air guitars. No worries here. The stripped down simplicity of the music was worth the price of anything. My ticket only cost thirty five- joy!

By the end of it- women were screaming and the men were crazily shouting for encores. Esplanade staff got on stage and presented them garlands of orchids- minister style- and which set the two irrepressible duo to whip out their camera- Jap style- and pose with the audience. Erlend even did a 'surfing the mosh-pit' shot with the people sitting in the sits. Irresistable and charmed off our socks.

You and me alone- Sheer Simplicity!

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Writing right
Thursday, March 16, 2006

Every once in awhile I feel an incredible humungous tumor growing in my stomach- no, I mean, I swear it's the ridiculous thoughts that arise in my head that make me do it. Sometimes I just feel I'm the successor to Tay Yek Kek. OMG. When I feel like this, I feel this urge to delete all my past writings- which all suddenly look to me like Quentin's Blake's monsters- warts and ingrown toenails and stubby hair. All the children of our imagination: don't we want to banish them all? Now put it this way, everyone likes to have an audience- but there's a difference in pandering to the masses (that's where you get the offspring of jellied warts) and writing for a single sensitive soul (some long dead person or muse). To often I am torn with trying to amuse my social self and trying to write a memoir. I think my blogs are a hodge-podge of fragmented memories and silly thoughts rather than distilled musings. I've see it in people around me- some give up writing and take up photoblogs, others give up the ghost completely with dead links to show the rest of the world. Rarely I watch people transforming into fine writers. The democratisation of the diary (the blog) is not an elegant thing to behold- perhaps writing in haiku will help us all.

Maybe something like this in the old-fashioned form will right us all:

Woke up this morning pretty busy, went to sch to determine the records were fixed. Meet Sam/Jess for lunch, met up with Adrian, whom I found to be a astute and charming speaker on the matters of rolling cigarettes. Took leave to meet Joanne who passed me 2 non-original DVDs. A pleasant stroll to the class was disrupted as a young friend harangued me about my loan. Class passed quickly, with students leaving as soon as they arrived. So to finish up, to supper at the Golden Arches and then bed.

Now go read Samuel Pepys. Did you? Neither did I. Nvm, shoo off now...

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I have the tenth commandments.
Thursday, March 16, 2006

1) Thou Shalt Not Covet My Ticket Lookie, lookie, haha I've got one and you've got- opps! none. KOC.... WAH~~~~ Sister is gamboling now on the lush audiolands of la esplanada to DJ Erland Oye. N tomorrow, the indefinable KOC and your crowd-pleaser Poptart. Hasta manana, dulces suenos!

Okie esplanade, bring DEERHOOF next!!!

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In the age of self-empowerment
Thursday, March 16, 2006

I really like this ad. Appeals to my belly. Keke

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Birthday me!
Friday, March 3, 2006

Happy birthday to me! I was fiddling around with my eten (creative not ipod, so eten not O2 la), when my sis chiong in with a cake and started singing happy birthday. I started laughing when i saw the cake

yeah, forever 21... What's a reindeer doing on my cake?? mango citrus cake yum

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Winter Olympics
Monday, February 27, 2006

Shizuka Arakawa- like a fairy on ice.... I'm wondering if any of you stayed up late to watch the figure skaters on Winter Olympics...she gets the crowd cheering along with the music and her grace. Beautiful music.
Here is the video in its entirely. I prefer the low resol one cause it doesn't stop and start in the uploading...

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O.C. Spoof
Monday, February 27, 2006

I don't really watch O.C. but hey, who doesn't dream of that kind of lifestyle of being some rich brat in a million-dollar mansion? So, don't miss the Ultimate OC Spoof- The emO.C. It's bloody funny.
Hey Rachel, nice hair.

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Chinese New Year yuck
Monday, January 30, 2006

ok. chinese new year rolls about again. And seriously, Chinese should celebrate any other festivals except CNY. Christmas is so much better.

AND the relatives. I never liked the relatives around my age, with the exception of my paternal cousins, whom are such warm, bright and funny people. The rest are from Dullsville. The only people worth your two cents are probably those above 35 or kids below 12. I don't care to sit around cousins who I have met like a grand total of 23 days in these 23 years I have been alive- and only common thing we have is eating peanuts from the same dish.

And the conversation my parents raises is so appalling- things like IBS, bowel movement, the appearance of other people, bitching about other people family problems- anything that would people focus their attention on them as the most superior family around. I wish I could take out a cigarette, wave it around and say "Smoke break anyone?". HAHA that would stop them.

All said, I still feel touched meeting the grand deziens of my extended family- how did these people survive WW2 and all that rubbish? And seeing how some people turned out so well, like my cousins: well balanced, successful and cheerful people, makes me a little happy. Hey, at least I shared a childhood with these people. That's good enough for me...

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Genuine question.
Saturday, January 14, 2006

If you are embroiled in blame games and power struggles, it is more than likely that you are filled with resentment, anger, negativity, and instead of processing it and owning it, you are projecting it onto others, denying, blaming, creating power struggles, and being defensive instead of admitting and releasing your feelings. As long as you insist on creating dramas of revenge and blame, you will remain stuck in the same pattern, and you will continue blame others for your regrets and frustrations, because that is what you are doing-- blaming and projecting the guilt and negative feelings you think you need to hold onto. If you are not ready to take on the responsibility for your own feelings and let yourself FEEL them, you make yourself into the victim --- even if you think you are in the power seat (by not feeling) --- every time you blame, resent, hate, and send out negative energy. You will probably stay in this go-nowhere no-win position because, again, as long as you are blaming others, you are holding the resentment firmly in place, making SURE you are going nowhere, and hoping others will remain just as stuck, and again, blaming and resenting whoever tries to make anything positive happen. The only way out of this tight little box is to feel your feelings and let them go. And here's the punchline: You cannot let your feelings go if you have not felt them first! This is not an intellectual exercise, it is real life, yours! The first step in healing is to accept yourself, regardless of what you have done or thought about yourself in the past. If you can start to forgive, others as well as yourself, you are opening yourself to more possibilities. But to have a future, to pursue new potentials, you need to chose to be open and vulnerable, not clenched tight to protect yourself against everyone and everything. While protection is appropriate at times, being permanently closed off can keep you from living the life you envision.

This looks like good advice for me. People who know me well know I'm not a nice or good person. I'm quite ugly. Wah sure I need to change- learn wisdom. I'm not sure what it means to feel your feelings. Anyone understands that?

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Out of the s***bucket
Saturday, January 7, 2006

For those of you who know about my family problem, things have just deteriorated more around here. For some of you, this may come somewhat as new and surprising. I think I will be going around looking for places to rent around Feb with my sis. It's going to be a logistical nightmare though: compiling tel lists, work, things I want to save and bring with me. Right now there's a few things I would need:

1)laptop (anyone willing to sell to me?)
2)removable hard disk
3)new handphone (as my old one shares the same charger as my family)
4)all contacts i can think off
5)money/job

the smell of independence! been thinking of this for at least 7 years. So much repression and unhappiness and bad karma I gained from staying in his house. While I had been grateful for things- there was always a lack of understanding and individual respect here. Still thinking how to work the bills out in the future- but im sure this is easier than the emotional shit I had endured for so many years. I don't think it would be healthy for me to keep staying here anyway. I can't subscribe to the house rules anymore. Happy happy.

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words like violence
Friday, December 9, 2005

tired of fsv. sick of being in school 5 days a week. trying hard to try to make social contact, talk to ppl. but it gets tiring simply because I feel hard to talk these days. Starting to think of fsv as a transitional place, when the fact is I have so many friendships I yet not mended/made/kept up with. I really love and respect many of you, but I can't just find the energy to.

failure makes me very tired. No matter how much I want to lift myself out- I fail. I know I am cursed by God because I do not believe anymore.

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

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Death
Wednesday, November 23, 2005

why is death so difficult to accept. Death is part of a natural process of life- something, like age, which can be accepted and celebrated. We have birthdays to mark the passing of time- but we have become afraid of the unknown itself- although there is little that we know of it- that perhaps we can embrace it. There are some groups that embrace not just death itself- but also life- but by only choosing to terminate their lives. Its interesting how the human mind can be conditioned to let go of the physical body- thru pain-play, thru watching the death of others. I think there's a lot I can learn that we repress in our cultures... Vilification happens when we don't attempt to understand...

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christmas movies
Tuesday, November 8, 2005

What have I done?!?
Now I have gone off, as usual, and bit off more than I can chew. I'm DPing the next AFP project. Granted, its only 2-3 minutes- but hell, I never DPed for film before. I only did so I could Gaff for light. Ughh. Wish me lots luck. I'm one hell of a nutcase.

Going to watch the rushes today for our Spec. Hope we can edit it soon. Lots of things are going thru my mind now, one particularly being how stupid I was to mention to Leng about little details on the petrol vouchers from our sponsors. And two separate people reminded me what lesson I had to learn from all this yesterday.

Honesty is not the best policy- you heard it first from me.. arghhh. such a total klutz.

Anyway, there's the new Harry Potter movie coming up- and I'm a sucker for Christmassy movies. I hope Narnia wouldn't be too cheesy. I never really liked the Lion, the Wardrobe and the Witch. Wonder why they missed out the first book- the Magician's Nephew. It was a bit more subtle...

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Tuesday, November 8, 2005

I need to host my pictures some place else. Any ideas?

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Brain freeze... sort of.
Sunday, October 23, 2005

recently I have been having anxiety crisis again. Just to explain, course not everybody is stuck in their heads all the time selfishly thinking about their emotions. An anxiety crisis drives me to think about things I have to do but then freezes me up completely and I keep deferring my chores, hoping for the sky to crash.

It drives me to do moronic things like blog or surf for useless trivia like nail-biting but I will not check my email or download photos.. shit. The only things I will actually do is only if they are life or death things involving other people or no commitment stuff like watching a movie or pubbing. I'm stuck in the land before time.. arggghhhhh.. HOW? I hate my bloody head.

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How tall can I be?
Sunday, October 23, 2005

There comes some time in your life you feel really inadequate. Like though you proved you can suceed in school or work, but still you still going to have problems with your family, your relationships and your friends.

Your straight-forward logic is plainly useless in dealing with people. You don't seem to know how to be relaxed, at ease with people problems. You find yourself instinctively defensive and overreacting in the manner of how you were brought up to- but tried not to follow.

The closer the person is to you, you start making them fulfill expectations and crossing them for denying your need.

The truth is the person who should be fulfilling my needs is just myself. So I got to stop putting the burden of my demands on family, love or religion and just shoulder it. No more 'hey why didn't you help, you're responsible for it too' accusations. Know the weight of it, solve my own problems and just grow more. I still have a lot of growing up to do.. ('_')

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after watching wedding planner
Sunday, October 23, 2005

I like watching romantic comedies. It's so easy to be caught up in the sunshiney glow of true love cross your heart and hope it lasts. The leads are great people, they have great parties, friends, clothes, looks, family except for the chance to meet someone remotely inspiring. The leads muddle their way through situational problems like traffic jams, crazy in-laws or other loves... but seriously, does anybody doubt the conclusion?

The leads may sometime be neurotic, but not in the sense of 'dropped on the head' Citizen Kane types or the real actual problems you hear about in tabloids. Why don't movies show a love story between two problematic people?

I read it all the time in literature, but real love isn't so cerebral to be stuck in paper. And it doesn't have to end ignominiously... Or maybe I have been missing out on some movies.. ;)

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to a real friend
Wednesday, October 19, 2005

sometimes i lose perspective of this world. you help me lose my crutches sometimes, see the world in its entirety.

I remember a story i once read, of this man who wanted to see the world around him perfect and beautiful. So he got a pair of rainbow magic glasses. All around him was famine, but he could not see it.

All I can think of at times is to hold on tight to that magic glasses. But you teach me to see with my eyes. Used to get upset when you told me stuff. Still get upset though. But you're more of a friend than I am, D. Thanks.

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Chadors and spit-wars
Tuesday, October 14, 2005

There isn't much reason to blog these days when you are spending 5-6 hours each day reading off the web. Hare some nasty gems. (Amazon reviews are a hoot)

"buy this album if you're trying to impress your indie rock superiors, it'll do wonders for you." (review of picaresque)

"Or maybe my landlubber tastes just ain't up to the intricacies(?) of this band-cum-thesarus abuse society. " (picaresque)

"The dregs, the nadir, the bottom of the barrel. As contrived as your average Lou Pearlman boyband creation, and about as thrilling a listen as a car advert. One day, we'll all wake up - but not when utter dreck like this is polluting the iPods of the moronic masses. Coming soon to a state fair near you. Bring your eyeliner and skinny ties, you'll be ALL THE RAGE." (Bravery Music)

and my favourite snarky..

"This long awaited CD is a cure for my gastric distress. When I first hit "play," the intestinal fluids began to flow in the most soothing natural way. I especially like the song about meeting a polar bear and sheep and making them all die of boredom. This is some of the very best enema music I have yet heard. " (X&Y)

ah.... people aren't very kind these days, huh? (though really quite funny) These reviews are just the tip of the iceberg of nastiness actually.

I read today that the Mayan prophecies say we're going to face lots of crashing storms, wrecking earthquakes and foaming floods come 2012. Phew! that's just 7 years away. What a lot of foulness. Everybody will soon need chadors. In reading the traumatising account of 'Not without my daughter'by betty mamoody chadors will always be pleasantly associated with the image of being the wipecloth of spittle and habitat for microbbies.

There's so much bile and spit-wars going around these days, that ought to be the costume of choice for the blogging netizens. ya;)?

Anyway, back to hometown, a electrical storm struck the antenna of my block and fulfilled my lifelong wish for my family to stop watching television. (read books! listen to music people! dance in the rain! live in a hippie commune!.. opps.. leaked my plans for retirement..;)

It does seem primitive, though, living without tv. There's nothing to stare at. Everyone's just sitting around, terrified of having to listen to a yawning commentary from my dad.

But maybe that's not so bad as actually having to listen to Bolton belt out 'by the time you think it's over...' ON Kenny G ON cassette tape....thankfooly, music taste was not a genetic inheritance.

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Monday, October 12, 2005

Production is finally over the hill and rumbling down. As a producer, I say: Good-riddance. I think there were many things to hate about production. Anything that could go wrong, did.

Accidents:
Human:2 (extra-crew gets bloody nail, talent concussed)
Transport:2 (juls' van and our yellow truck)
Fight: 1
Breakdowns: 1
Boom in shot: 2
Other stuff in shot: 1
Talent in shot:1
Bad tempers: Too many
Jokes: countless
Fun: shitloads
Things could have been better scheduled though.

The extra crew presence made my day- people like ditzy Edwina, noisy King, High zuan, reliable John, Jon and John, Loud Jeremiah, Crazy Chris, Jocelyn, Raven, Khalil, Pradeep and Anuar have all in part helped and made things smoother for our production. You guys are the best!

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