Sunday, April 21, 2002 - 12:29 p.m.

the dude and i have been fighting all weekend. all of a sudden, i've regressed to my twelve-year-old self, pushing away anyone who cares to get close by throwing a temper tantrum. wedding jitters? maybe. i guess i am just not ready/comfortable to approach it yet. meanwhile my mom is calling on a daily basis asking me where i want to get my makeup done on the big day. these calls do not go over well.

i ache inside. i am having trouble accepting this adult behaviour, ceremony, ritual. i still feel like a teen, if not a "tween" and am amazed that i am actually a lot closer to becoming a "thirty-something.."

the major issue preventing me from moving forward is my heart and my health. until my neck clears, there is no way i can think/show excitement about planning a wedding, something i have never imagined for myself, never dreamed of, never wanted.

e.