Yes, the above sound is what I make when my parents are nagging and when I thought I could get away with it. i couldn't blog yesterday, work is making me behave. My boss came back from overseas and demanded all my projects by the end of this month, which is, lets see... 4 days away. Sometimes my boss asks for the impossible. One was that database that I was struggling with. Thankfully, I finished it the day before he came back and now I have one of the clark inputing the datas. The other, is the dreaded statistics..... Ewwwww......, I've been crunching them for the longest time and still its not finished. I don't mind doing the number cruncing but I have to first extract the data from another file, format them, extract them again to form a simpler statistics and format them. Finally, I run some simple statistic on them and think, "This statistic isn't worth the effort."
I was tricked into watching Nick Berg's video. My first reaction after the show, puke my guts out. Then read the e-mail and it mention 18 reasons why the video was fake. Some very obvious reasons made sense and it was after all very obvious. I guess it could be fake. Strange.... Maybe I'm watching the wrong version though... Don't wanna think about it.
Aww..shucks. Look at the time. Those data calls. GTG, later!!!!!!
Love,
Julie
The above topic seems to me kind of a strange combination. On one hand, is about my relationship with my mother. On the other, a rambling write about romance and marriage. Then again, when you think about it, both is quite related. I know that my mother love her children equally hence the last weekend remark of, "I think we should buy a TV for Ome. He doesn't have one. Surely he need some form of entertainment." Inwardly, I snorted and grumped, "Mama's boy." Also, my mother wants the best for me in life. No, Mama is not perfect but she's the mom that I've got.
When I talked about love, to someone who wanted to talk about relationship between male and female. I look at my love for my parents and say. If you can love someone as much as you love your parents, then you'll be blessed. Because, you don't love your parents because they are perfect, handsome/beautiful, smart, rich or they cater to your whims.
Dad nags a lot, mom lectures me to death. Dad is moody, mom's mood is unpredictable. What I really enjoy about loving my parents is that I can love them despite their quirks. Occasional, spats or arguments that escalates, but feeling secure enough in that relationship to let it ride. That the bond is strong enough for all of us not to just walk out of. As some friends said, move out, leave. Yeah, that is indeed the easiest way out. But, for every 1 big blast tsunami 'they are driving me insame' argument, there's nine more support from my parents when I have a bad day or when I have any problem.
Now, how many of you married folks who goes through the same with their spouse? Moments where you argue and fight and feel so badly about each other that you wished to just walk away. For some, the only thing that is keeping them together is that memory of love and support before the fight. I'd hate it when friends share about how terrible their boyfriend/girlfriends are when I know that when they speak in anger, they forget the good times. Those times when they walks around holding hands or when they had a hard day and called their loved one for some TLC.
Hence, why I hate some of my friend's boyfriend/girlfriend when I am away from them but when we are face to face, I like them. They are ordinary people who are in a relationship. For God sake, do you expect them to be perfect? Are you perfect that you deserve perfection? Yes, I gripe, I 'whine' but never expected my family to be perfect. God, sometimes I hate the word love, tossed around like candies.
Could you respect the person you make a lifetime commitment to? Could you accept him/her for all that he/she is? Flaws and all? Live with that irritating habits? Cause that's what marriage is. Sighing at each others irritating habits but thinking, "That is so you." Not trying to change the other person into your idea of 'perfect'. Because, honestly, it works both ways *smirks*.
If I wanted a romance novel version of love, then I'd watch Hindi movie. Love is not about giving. It's about sharing. Because when you give and give, soon there's nothing left to give. Same thing when you argue. One side will give in and think, "Never mind, this issue is not worth the battle." And both side has to pick and choose their issues. No point fighting over small stuff like how she squeeze the toothpaste or when he forgot to put the toilet seat down. Don't clutter up your relationships with unreasonable demands. I mean, sure you want a Ferrari for your birthday but not every husband/wife can provide that. But don't sell yourself short.
A spouse is your support when you are too tired to hold yourself up. Someone who keeps you grounded but encourages you to shoot for the star. The one who tells you when you did someting wrong so it wouldn't happen again. Someone who listens to you talking about 'cabbages and kings'. The one who babies you when you need it. Tolerate your mad moods and ups and downs. And someone who is always there. And you know that you'd be glad to be the same for him/her. As I said it goes both ways.... :)
Mom and I
I woke up grouchy this morning. I didn't want to go to work today. I was caught in a misunderstanding in the office yesterday and I was demoralized. Knowing that I have to work for a living, made my feet move through my usual morning routine. I slept through the train ride wishing that I could get a medical leave.
As usual every morning, I'd have my 1/2 an hour breakfast with mom. We had our tea when I blurted the whole thing to her. She listened. And we talked about it. She supported me and yet told me to keep an open mind. So while, I feel better cause 'its not my fault', I also gave the other party a benefit of doubt. Maybe it was a miscommunication on both part. But, yeah, I got back my typical morning high. Got my grove back in place and we are ready to ROCK!!!
I guess it is somewhat a blessing to be close to my parents. I learn a lot through their experiences. And no matter what problem that crop up, I always have someone to talk to. They might drive me nuts and vice versa. But we are 'tight'. Plus, my dad is the only one who lets me be myself despite attempts to mature me :D I hear him say this to me oh, so often lately, "Julie, at your age I had 1 kid already. Grow up." Heh, mentally mature but emotionally an 8 year old kid. Joy, joy.
I better go. Work calls..Later
Love,
Julie
It has been quite a long week. I am thinking of ending this blog. I think it has a lot to do with my facination with my pc games. Mistmare, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time.... I am just too lazy to do any writing of any sort.
As far as work goes, I can't wait for weekends. Well, unless the office decide to let me start work at 10 a.m. I wake up early to go to work and that puts me mildly off my stride. Espacially lately. I sleep for six hours and wake up groggy. God knows how I survive work. Well, this past week has been a blessing of sorts, boss was out of office and so he can't assigne me new things to do.
I have been working of MS Access to build a proper database but the VBA programming has been driving me up the wall. I hate not knowing how to do the things that I want to do.
I am tired of writing already..., oh, by the way, I'm currently reading Peter Singer's latest book about the ethics of President Bush. A really good read. And I thought that I wasted my dimes over trashy book....
Love,
Julie.
Today, I had an heated discussion with my mother. We were refering to a mutual third party in this case. According to mother, we shouldn't be calculative when we deal with our extended family member. I on the other hand was often the 'injured'/losing party when dealing with this third party. Somehow, I've always knew that that various third parties that doesn't like me.
They made it clear that I was too common, too spoilt, too close to my father. Too friendly, to remote, too a lot of things. Living with that every family gathering, to say the least, is not easy. I get to be the designated baby sitter, kitchen helper and all round errand girl. Strangely enough, this never applies to the others, only yours truely.
And yours truely remembers being abandoned when everyone else goes visiting another relative during one of these big gathering, thus erasing my existance in my grandmother's extended family. My parents were not there and so since there was no one who 'likes' me, I get to be my grandmother's house sitter. Yup, I really feel loved.
Now, back to our current situation. Someone in the exended family called up for a favor. Yours truely notices that they never call unless the want something. So after the polite, less than 1 minute, chat, this person request for something. To say that I'm suprised is the under statement of the year.
I thought, "Wait, a minute, wasn't this the person who adores XYZ? Why come to me." Then it came to me, althought XYZ is willing to be adored, she is not willing to lend a helping hand. Unfortunately, this favor might result in an unfavorable outcome to me. Hence, my answer of, "Sorry can't help you."
Mother said that I should have helped her anyway. I look at mom strangely, "Mom, she hates me, why should I over extend myself to help her." In a sense, I am a lot like my father. Mom said, "Holding a grudge doesn't get you anything." To which I replied glibly, "Well it seems that nither will she (get anything from me)" At worse, it's a stalemate. Poor mom, seems very unhappy at the thought of me keeping grudge. I politely term them as score cards. No more, no less.
You see, my revenge philosophy is simple, "You reap what you sow and what goes around comes around." I don't actively seek revenge nor do I go after them in a single minded way that is in anyway detrimental to me. No, I remember and when it's time to say no I say no in a very polite manner. It doesn't make me happy to say no, but it keeps me from trying so hard to please everyone, that I no longer have anymore strength/love left for me.
Then how does this tally my need for peace, justice and equality? Simple, I let fate/karma/etc deal with the injustice done to me. I may have a choice but ultimately, I let fate takes it course. Why take time and energy dealing with these people when nature has it's own agenda. I wonder, does this make sense? I think, I am being fair to all. I don't think I've hated/dislike anyone for fun yet. But I am not born to be your doormat/slave/toy. What I give, I at least deserve respect in return. If you take from me and stab me in the back, don't call me again unless to apologise. Any other request for help will only get a very polite version of "*u*k off."
Yes, my brother repeatedly tell me, "You are scary, sometimes."
Love,
Julie
I've stop blogging for quite some time, huh? It wasn't deliberate. I apologise. It seems that I've lost my muse. Maybe my fingers hates typing. Could be work that takes up time. Or that I was playing Mistmare and my time was completely consumed. Might just be that I no longer want to write anymore. I prefer reading anyway. Writing requires an effort and right now I don't want to make an effort. Could be depression, but I don't think so. I guess deep down inside I just want some quiet.. peace of mind so to speak.
The voices in my head has finally been silenced. Except for a few natter here and there. Always the internal debate of justice and equality. My insantiable need for justice would some day be the end of me, I think... Perhaps the reason why I don't have a lot to say is because I have been hiding from the world.
I wake up in the morning, go to work. Nap the whole time in the train to work thus avoiding human contact. Work. Come home from work. Nap in the train again and when I reach home. Have an hour of quality time with parents and later hole up in the attic. Yes, my room is in the attic. I'd read or play computer games or watch CDs. Listen to music. Call up friends who need a word or two, maybe someone who needs a friend to lean on.
Does this mean that I live a boring life. No. It means I live a productive life and a quiet one. The one that I'm comfortable with. Yes, I can be the party girl occasionally but when I am that, I usually have a greater need for 'down time'. I enjoy being quiet, no big hoo hah.., no big ups and downs. I finally achive my 2004 resolutions. To be quiet. I'm tired of the noises. Maybe I'm burnt out. Who knows.
But I'm actively reading Warblogging. I admit, I still follow the Iraq situation. I follow the USA political games (God knows why since I'm a Malaysian myself). I have opinions and all but for now, they remain mine and mine alone. About the 3rd/final day in Dubai. Does anyone really want to know?? I'm a bit lazy to finish that write up..
PS: My boss is gone for this week, maybe that's why I started blogging again. Go figure.
2nd PS: Anyone can help me design a database. The one I already made looks terrible, no formal training and all.
Love,
Julie
