(Thursday, May 29, 2003, Evening)
Dear ppl,
Ladies and gentleman, how often do people ask you loaded question like, "Do you think I'm fat?" An agile mind will quickly say, "Define fat." And they are potentially saved. The thing is our society today is obsessed with fatness. Not because they are worried about their health but instead about their looks. Come on, confess, how many of you say things like, 'Gosh, I have to lose weight. Excess fat will effect my cardiovascular and may potentially cause heart dieses and diabetic complications later on in life.' It is usually, 'Darn, that extra lump will show when I wear my favorite dress or when I tuck in my work shirt.' Admittedly I am one of those weight obsessed women. I fear fat to the extent that now days I watch what I eat and I exercise. Why? Because I am self conscious and every where I look today, on TV, in magazines and in all the advertisements, people are thin to the point of skin and bones. I admit this is very shallow of me but hey if I look good, I feel good.
So, to the problem at hand. How to dodge silver bullets? If you don't respond, you aren't paying any attention to her. Girls are so popular with this type of whine especially when you are getting crossed eyed accompanying her shopping. If you tell, the truth, nothing but the truth so help you God, you might get a knee where it hurt most. It's so hard to be a man isn't it? Poor darlings. Lets see if Julie can help you out.
1. Do you think I should lose weight?
The answer could be :
a) If you think she is the size of Godzilla and regardless you love her anyway. This is what you should say, 'I love you for who you are, regardless. Sure, if you want to lose weight I'd be supporting you the whole way but you shouldn't make a big deal out of nothing.'
b) If you think, well, she did put on some weight and she'd look better if she lose those pounds well this might work, 'Why? I think you look fine. Sure, everyone could use some pounds off but I think it's your decision. If it you are really keen, I'd join you whenever you go jogging.'
c) She accepts you as who you are, psychotic and all. Sure she's fat but to you it's not an issue since both of you have a great time regardless. You might want to say, 'Look, as it is we are cool together. We are compatible and we both aren't perfect. So what's the big deal about weight and stuff. I don't what you to turn into a Wicked Witch of the West, just to lose weight. As far as I'm concern you look just fine.'
d) You don't want to think about it. She knows everything about sports from NFL's to F1. She is just great when you want to watch that game and can't take her to one function or another. Be honest, 'It never crossed my mind. Do you really want to? Are you trying to make yourself happy or are you just pleasing some people out there? You look great and I love you. Oh, by the way, on your way home could you pick up a 6 pack? It's Liverpool vs. Man U and we don't want to miss that.'
2. Do you think I'm fat?
a) Fat? As compared to what? If it's Kate Moss, probably yeah. But for your height and body shape, I think you are just right. *winks*
b) Darling, the masters choose people of your built to feature in their paintings. What fat? You are sexy, especially when ...
c) FAT? Are you suffering from anorexia or bulimia? You look great. How much thinner do you want to be???? How much thinner can you be without it effecting your health?
d) Do you a justification to lose weight? Don't ask me to be the reason that you have to lose weight. If you think you are fat, then work at it. What do I know about women fashion.
3. What do you think about this dress?
If you think it makes her as huge as a stuffed turkey or it's just hideous you might want to try these :
a) Gee, isn't that dress a bit out dated? I thought the in look today is....
b) I don't know... (pauses) I don't think the dress matches you style. It's too... I don't know, it just doesn't click somehow. (Don't go overboard or she'll think you've converted into a gay. No offence. Women believe that only gay men understands their taste. Dunno why myself.)
c) Didn't we see someone wear that at ...(one function or another). We can't have people say that we copied her style. That will be so... memalukan.
d) Darling, that dress is too fleshy/ dressy/ colorful/ boring/ any reason for that function you have in mind. Why not something more demure/ classy/ any suggestions, huh?
So what do you think? A reminder to you people, all of the above written are heresy and what ever that popped out of my mind. It might work, it might not. I am not responsible for any physical, mental or spiritual result of application of these technique to real life. I think I might have just too much time in my hand:)
Love,
Julie.
(Wednesday, May 28, 2003, 11:37 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I had thought of a great elaborate story about women and weight. Unfortunately due to unavoidable circumstances, I have to delay the write up since I am very sleepy and have to wake up very early tomorrow. I deeply apologize for the delay. Thank you.
Love,
Julie.
(Tuesday, May 27, 2003, Evening)
Dear ppl,
This entry is dedicated to all the males out there. It would seem that there are some men out there who still have problem accepting that a women have their own peculiarities. For instance, women have this thing called PMS ( Pre-menstrual syndrome), they have periods every once a month and they need pads or tampons, which ever. A guy I know, say, 'Ewwww, don't tell me that.' Every time I explain the reason for my short temper. I have my period. Like yo, this things are natural. I even ask the girls who are engaged whether or not things like the number of children you both agree to have, who deal with the family finances and the problem about women and their menstrual cycle. Yes, to the first and second question, and absolute no to the third. Why? Cause men these men turn pale when they hear the word period or time of the month. As far as they are concerned, when this term comes up, you gotta stay away, like its the plague or something. Gentlemen, a women's body has a special cycle that monitors the ability to produce cute little babies. Contrary to the myth, babies are not delivered to the parents' doorstep by a stork. Nor did you mom or dad find you under a cabbage leaf. It took approximately 9 months plus for the baby to be born live and kicking.
So, to those men who still fear the 'word', pay attention cause your wife can't say things like, 'You can't have any tonight cause I have my thingymingie. So you just have to use Mrs. Smith and her 4 daughters.' Instead you have to face the truth. Every once in a month, a women bleed for approximately 7-14 days. If you are lucky, it could last for 1-2 days. Thus during that moment, if you want to get into her good books, soothing her might be the perfect solution. An occasional lower back rub will be appreciated. When she's in screaming pain, pain killers might be handy, so would a cool dark room with complete silence. Cater to her needs la dude. She probably cater to you whims and fancy the whole month long anyway. Do not ask, 'Er, when will dinner be ready?' This sort of question might get you kicked in where it hurts most. Other than that, she's just fine. Things will get normal soon.
As for PMS, I'm kinda lucky since I don't really suffer from that. So I don't really know. According to Hani, feeding her with salmon fish is suppose to help. During this period, she might suffer breast tenderness and stuff, so be gentle. There you go. What else do you need to know? Anyway feel free to add any details to these suggestion. Comment will be appreciated. Later!!
Love,
Julie.
Ps: Tomorrow I'll be writing the thing about women and weight.
(Tuesday, May 27, 2003, Evening)
Dear ppl,
Now that I'm back from campus, I feel like the odd person out. I don't have a place to belong. Mom scolded me for not enjoying my holiday before joining the work force. I confess, I'm restless. I need to do something. Like today when I washed the car, then wax it, I wondered if there's a better way to make it shine better. Then I start to think about finding a new car shampoo since the one I'm suing now is finished. There has to be a better product. I tell you, I can be very obsessed with my view on perfect end product even when washing a car. Ask my bro and Fab's, I'm bugging them about making the pc faster, with better sound card and new video card and what nots. Then I want a new flat screen and then a better keyboard and a new mouse. Blagh. I need a new hobby.
Some people wonders about the hardship about being the youngest in the family and the only girl. Some say, 'Since you are the youngest and the only baby girl in the family, your parents must spoil you to death.' Yeah, maybe sometimes. But how about you having your Dad on your case all the time. I'm not complaining mind you. Sure it's nice to have protective parents but sometimes it just gets to me. Things like staying out all night, going out with friends and many others, I get to report in and out since I'm a girl. Never mind that I trained to kick some sorry a$$ who try to harass me. Getting gold in a Karate sparring competition is not enough. Sure, some guy have a better chance at creaming my brothers then they do me. That I am very prickly and paranoid about the people that surround me. Ask anyone who really knows me, I will notice anyone who stares more then 5 minutes in public areas. No, you are a girl...
Then I have my mom constantly on my case. She is trying to train me to be a lady. Yep, social graces, how to mix with the crowd, how to make people feel at ease at functions, the cooking, baking and how to be agreeable to everyone even when you itch to slap them. A lady must always have class. What she doesn't realize is that I hate mixing with a large crowds unless its with my pals. I'd rather sit in my room reading and listening to music. Short term, social function where I have to smile and make nice is fine but I don't want a life time of that. Of course, I good at being a hostess and making sure things run smoothly. That's exactly the problem. I tend to itch with the urge to smack sloppy hostess. I bet Farhan (Maz's boyfriend) will agree with me:)
There are things that are appropriate in public and some are not. So even as I rebel, what mom nagged since childhood tend to stick. Hence my pained filled expression when I watch people kissing for longer than 1 minute on a movie or TV. It's not appropriate to express one's negative emotions or passion in public. So that's why people tend to think that I'm the ultimate happy and macho person. Right....
So to be the only girl and the youngest is a boon? I don't think so. Dad started me on philosophy when I was 13 years old. I must learn to be wise. He also had me going to banks to deposit and take out money at 10 years old. Money doesn't grow on trees you know. I have to be twice as good as my brother to get half the respect and privileges that they do. So you want to be in my shoe?? Sure, I grew up fighting for everything I want even when it was as simple as wanting to wear jeans. They are not appropriate clothes for girls.
But there's a plus side of all this. When you are used to having to constantly prove that you are trying your best, the authority figures don't faze you. I am mostly logical and rational. I spend a lot of time with my parents so I know all the hardship they had to go through to get where they are. I learn to appreciate what I have and I know regardless what happened, they tried their best. I just need to be stronger. A little more wiser and to have faith. Despite everything, I didn't turn out to be that bad, eh? Got to go. Later...!
Love,
Julie.
PS : Still cannot access my e-mail so don't bother writing. Sorry.
(Monday, May 26, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
Today and for the next 2 days mom is having days off from work. I love my mom really but more often then not I butt head with her. She likes things her way and I like things my way. So what usually happen? I'll hide and sulk in my room and she will start complaining till my dad have words with me. Blagh. My bro and my savior is so far away in Terengganu. Never mind I shall just have to be more understanding to my mom's wishes.
So she had spring cleaning planned. So I put away all the books I carted from university and put them onto the book racks. Then mom attacked bro's room. Sorry, dearest, I tried to stop her but I'm just a kid. She then make me do the cleaning up of my closet size room. I actually did it. Now that tiny room is carpeted and I'm going to buy new bookshelves and a sofa bed. Gonna get rid of the single bed. It makes the small room smaller. Yo bro, if you don't move out, don't worry I will. I cannot live in that tiny room anymore.
Then I thought, wait a minute, that wasn't so bad. Sure there was moments that I was almost in tears. But I grit my teeth and keep on going. Mom isn't so bad, just have a slightly thicker skin. I'm ultra sensitive which explains the reason me and mom keep on butting heads. Well this time we can call it truce. So, hopefully things will remain mild. Later.
Love,
Julie.
(Sunday, May 25, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
Today my parents and I took a trip to Cameron Highlands. It was a superb trip. We took a leisurely drive and made our way to Ringlet and then Tanah Rata. Dad was his typical jovial self. Question of the day was : If a small pig is a piglet, what is a small ring? I rolled my eyes and answered : Ringlet, dad. Yes he likes to mock and challenge my temper. He'll just string me along until I feel angry enough to kick him. But after all these years I understand that it was merely game with him so lately I rarely lose my cool.
We didn't stop at Ringlet but instead we continued on to Tanah Rata. Dad complained that I woke up late and therefore today's trip will have to be rushed. Yes, waking up at 9 am tend to ruin the whole day trip since Cameron is 200 km away. So the most dumbest thing I did today was to forget that I put the newspaper on the car's roof. Luckily I remembered in time. Blast, I do forget things lately. On the way to Tanah Rata there was a tiny tea shop off the Bharat Tea Plantation. The view was superb and since the sun was shinning the whole lay of the land was very beautiful. I could have sat and enjoyed the view for hours but we were in a hurry.
Our next destination was to check out the new road that was suppose to connect Cameron Highland to Tapah (not sure) and connect Gua Musang. The road was smooth and I enjoyed the view. To reach that road, I saw many vegetable and fruit farms. They grow cabbages, tomatoes, flowers and many others. I could wax lyrical about the whole farm thing but its possible that I am fascinated with the life of a farmer. Something to do with the joy of planting things and watching them grow. Of course there will be difficulty but so far I think the tears and sweat is worth it.
Then we stopped at one of the vegetable and fruit market. Mom picked a few bunch of carnations even as I looked for roses. Dad merely rolls his eyes and say 'Women, I don't understand their need for impractical things.' So I picked lots and lots of vegetable. I manage to convince Mom to buy a huge cabbage:) I was so attracted to the beauty of that thing that I had to have it. Now I wonder where on earth am I going to store all the vegetables and fruits we bought. Mom and Dad bought 4 kgs of guava. It very tasty, I grant but there's only three of us at home???!!
Well we arrived home at 11.30pm and now I faithfully write today accounts of things especially for my bro out wandering somewhere in Malaysia on a holiday trip with his friends. Later!!
Love,
Julie.
PS : Say Fab's about the boon thing can I give you a bunch of red carnations instead? Mom have a bunch of them.
(Sunday, May 25, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
I watched this movie last Friday with my bro (he sponsored : We worship him the generous). It was a 9.15 pm show and he was late. He growls something like : 'I am not in the mood for any sass. Work sucks!' Poor baby was working overtime since he is taking a week off to go out on the men thingy holiday. He sucked in his gut and suffered puppy dog looks from his boss. Yes, ladies and gentleman, he decided that enough is enough and its time to take a long... break. Good for him. Tara darling and enjoy your trip.
So matrix reloaded. Bro asked 'What is matrix?' Being a straight forward sort of girl, I said, 'Remember all those linear algebra that you studied in college and there's a concept matrix, that's it. Computer systems are built upon that system. That's what my Philosophy and History of Math lecturer said.' That lecturer was specializing in logic and history of math. Such a pain that man. He said, 'You actuarial students can't possibly do a write up about the history on logic. It's too difficult.' Moron! Actuarial Science is a branch of mathematics. We do study logic with the other mathematic and statistic students. Perasan macam bagus. So back to the Matrix movie... I don't know, I thought the movie was great except the 'Cadbury moment' that Neo and Trinity shared a few times during the movie. Blagh! I don't need to learn all this funny business from the movies do I? Then again..
So what else is there to say? I like the movie and if you expect me to critic this movie too bad. It's not so bad like the last time I watched a movie with Az. In that movie, everyone heard our running commentary of the whole movie. Now that movie was a pisser.
Some people have been talking and I realize that you people misunderstood what I tried to say. I'm not asking everyone to be a candle and sacrifice themselves. Nobody is that noble. I'm just asking for people to control emotional knee jerk reaction to people around them. I swear that morons are everywhere but 2 wrong don't make a right. Don't join any terrorist groups so that you could express yourself. I am not saying that terrorist groups is right nor do I say that this suicide bombers are heroes. Two wrongs will never make a right. I merely try to explain why terrorist and suicide bombers do the things they do. Honestly, who can really say that they are ready to die? I am not nor are you. We want more time to savor the flavors of life. These groups exist when they believe that they have been wronged. Maybe to them there's nothing left to live for. I wish they thought differently.
Other than that there's nothing more to say. Later.
Love,
Julie.
Question of the Day : Why do you always attract weirdos, Julie?
Answer : 2 type of guys who dare to approach me :
a) He is self assured and he knows that he can meet me on equal grounds.
b) He is mad enough to try and seem to think that I can save him. (I don't think so)
(Saturday, May 24, 2003, Evening)
p>Dear ppl,
Today I woke up early after having a late night. I had to go to Bangi and fetch my brother's motorcycle. Cool..., I get to drive my Dad's Volvo. Big huge mama that I drove once long time ago from Tapah back home. So it's been eons since I drove and my Dad decided to let me drive to Bangi so he could monitor my driving. Gosh don't you just hate it when you have to do something and you know that you are supervised. Somehow I get the feeling that if my nerve broke during the drive ( and nagging that follows) I will never be allowed to borrow Dad's car. I mean, I'm probably a pro at driving a Japanese car since it's light and doesn't have a big bulky body, but Volvo is huge and heavy. It's harder to overtake other cars and to do my calculated risks. My calculations have to be perfect before I attempt on any stunts.
Anyway, today was a wonderful day and I feel so... touched. Figuratively that is:D Fabian came over to the house and tried to figure out what's wrong with my pc that disconnects the internet SO often. To people who has been to my house like Hani, TJ, Nina and San&Tan, they know how far it is from town to my place. I thank Fabian for making so much effort to help me out. I am indebted to you and shall grant you a boon subjected to rules and regulations. Poor darling didn't expect my house to be that far. Had to leave at 4 ish to go to church. I'm sorry to have caused so much trouble ok. Anyway there's nothing wrong with the pc or the modem. Its not even the Jaring or TMnet argument. Probably the phone line. Blagh. God shall give me strength to accept the things that I cannot change. Getting angry will not lead to any solution.
Sometimes I feel tired of fighting things that cannot be changed. So I pray for the faith to accept that.
Love,
Julie.
(Friday, May 23, 2003, Later)
Dear ppl,
Today we shall talk about emotional management. Theoretically that is. In theory human has three basic ego state in which they use in their life. The first is rather simple, it's the parents ego state. The second which is so rarely used when needed is the adult ego state. And the most common ego state is the child ego state. So lets get deeper into the story.
The parent ego state is rather simple. Its when you scold someone, advice someone or judge about something, then you are in a parent ego state. Technically I mostly fall into this category since I love to nag, brow beat and lovingly care for the people around me. My brother's first word when I got back from Uni was, "Lia, just because ur back, that's not a good reason to nag me." Darling brother, I nag because I care. Once I stop, rest assured that no longer give a damm whether you live or die. (deadly smiles) Generally there's 2 types of parent. The first is the critical who criticize everything. The second is the encouraging type. They both are in all of us.
The adult ego state is very straight forward. It's when you analyze and assess the situation before you react. Its when everything is rational and logical. When you make sure that all your ducks are in a row before you do something. So usually we use this ego state when we face our professional work. If you don't you will face lots of tension and stress since morons are everywhere.
Then there is the most popular one, the child ego state. There's three types of child ego state. Firstly the obedient and rebellious child. This type either follow everything that they are told or do the complete opposite. The obedient one is usually afraid of hurt and pain. So they keep themselves secure by following orders. The rebellious type is the one who believes in their own way is the right way. Therefore heads will butt unless one become more understanding and relaxed. The second type is the free child. They have their head up in the clouds. Rules and regulations don't apply to them cause they refuse to be restrained. In an extreme situation, this type of person may be the most irresponsible person on earth. The positive side is that they know how to relax and unwind. The third is the 'Smart Professor' type. This ego state is dangerous since this person may use trickery and lies to get what they want. Technically they usually get off the hook by being very charming. So people out there beware. Whereas I whine, beg and plead this people don't bother since they will be so sneaky about what they want, they don't even bother.
There you go. With Julie there's always something new to learn :) Later!!!
Love,
Julie
(Friday, May 23, 2003, 09:32 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I am connected to the web now. Yey! The problem is there's still a lot of bugs that I need to figure out. Like 'Why does my Jaring connection keep on disconnecting?" I have no idea on how to expalin this to my dad. Well from now on I'll try to blog regularly. So glad to be back after that long break. It wasn't even planned :) Now let hope the things will get better.
I thank people who still write to me. It was nice to hear from you. Later!!!!
Love
Julie.
(Wednesday, May 21, 2003, 09:30 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today sucks! I started the day with a 40 minute aerobics. Had a bunch of grapes and my daily poison : coffee. The day was dandy and fine until my period started. For the first time in my life it hurts really bad. I used to be so cool about my monthly 'curse'. Heck, Az will swear to it that I went to my weekly karate training even when it falls on my first day. But today of all days it hurts and I had tons of errands to run. First had to search for a Telekom shop so I could pay the phone bill and enquire about installing a new phone line into my future room (currently my bro's room. Baby all grown up and moving out soon :)
Then I wanted to install an internet connection at home since my beloved pc is home. Bro said it had internal modem so there shouldn't have any problems. He lied. I decided against installing another phone line since it requires new deposit. I am currently unemployed and not enjoying it. To those people out there who thinks staying at home is fun is wrong! I got house chores, lots of errands to run since I want the house to run smoothly and worse of all, nothing to do when I actually have spare time. I am broke so I cant rent nor buy books. The time for using the pc is cut short since during the day, I do chores and run errands and at night my bro kick me out of his room :(
Then after the jaunt to the nearest Telekom shop to pay bills we went to Mid Valley to get the Jaring starter pack and a long extension chord so I get to use the pc in my bro's room instead of shifting the pc to the living room that will make mom throw a fit. As usual with typical male, at the hardware store my dad decided to browse and checkout the latest tools and stuff. That took so long... I mean I love browsing myself but not when I'm in pain. So I sat in one corner and count the seconds until I can convince my dad to go and have a hot drink.
Wonders of all wonders, I finally introduce my dad to the joy of drinking coffee in San Fran's. To readers out there, I love drinking different coffee of the day, except that one time when I couldn't adjust to the taste. I enjoy sitting for hours with a large mug of coffee and a book in hand or a friend to chat with. Maybe sometimes flirt with a stranger who I have no intention of getting to know better. How droll.
Then when I got home the pc threw a tantrum. I couldn't get the pc to find the modem and when it does, it couldn't open the port. Argh!!!!! The I tried to call Hani, TJ, Bro and assorted other friends. I got Fabian who said, 'Oh, maybe you should wait for your brother to come home.' Blagh! When I plan to accomplish something, I'd rather have it done on time as planned. That's what makes the events and project I organize become smooth. What a male! Then got Nina who was at her office parking lot and whine and ask lots of questions. She said, 'Sorry Julie, I don't us Jaring, why don't you call Hani.' I tried and her phone line was engaged. Couldn't get any 012 numbers sadly enough so I SMSed my brother.
As it turns out, the internal modem was busted. It was useless piece of junk that I want to take a hammer to. In fact at my present state, I'm surprised that I haven't killed anyone yet. When I whine about my pain everyone was not at all helpful. It could possibly be that for once in a long time I decide to behave like a brat. Poor Bro and Fabian had to tolerate my 'Nobody loves me anymore! People around me are mean!!!!!' I guess I rarely throw a royal tantrum but when I do, it has class.
Well gotta go. Bro is kicking me out of his room. Later!!
(Monday, May 19, 2003, Midnight)
Dear people,
I've been off-line for quite sometime. Since then I've taken 2 final papers, packed my stuff and moved back to my family home. To say it lightly, I've been stressed to the max with my final exams since I need a definite A for both papers, then rush to pack and go home on the same day I had my last paper. I take time to thank TJ, Hani, Sin, and especially most adored Fabian, the only weird one among the normal YCCians. I just can't associate him with the definition of YCCians according to the lunatics. Then there's my apologies to my dearest brother fro kicking him out of the room. Me adore you too.
So at home I've been watching a lot of cartoons (since my nephews are back for a visit), a lot of BBC news and CNN news network. I tell you the latest updates have been very distressing. We see post war Iraq with people squabbling over who gets the bounty and power, we see the Israelis soldiers bombing 'suspected terrorist homes'. So let's get this into perspective, if I find that my boyfriend is a cheating *astard, I get to kill his whole household since they are would be cheaters, save all the women out there some grief. O.k. so that's a tad DRASTIC, so from now on if we sentence someone to death for murder don't forget his family members cause the have potential for would be murderer. Right.....! So if the whole world can accept this sort of action, no court should be able to prosecute me for killing my cheating boyfriend. (Thankfully I don't have a boyfriend so I don't really have to worry about all that.)
Why does people not realize that, when the soldiers bomb the house of a 'suppose terrorist', the innocent dies too. Have the Israelis soldiers forgotten that those people who died had loved and is loved by someone else. So why are you people around the world feel so surprised when there are so many suicide bombers? So what if innocent people dies? Technically, if you don't care so don't we. When Palestinian children are murdered in cold blood no body so much rise an eyebrow but when death lands on your doorstep you get angry. What? Your civilians have more right to live then those poor children and women? If you can justify a war and say that casualty of war is an accepted aftermath, then what on earth do you need international law for? Yes, Saddam is supposedly a tyrant (I don't know for sure since I don't live in Iraq), but who are you to intervene? I don't see any representative of the Iraqi people asking help[ from the United Nations. Do you? Who are you to decide?
Have people decide to subscribe to the motto of 'the end justifies the means.'? So if I want an A for my philosophy paper, what I have to do is seduce the lecturer. Then what about the students who sweated blood and studied? So right now the world is moving to the new dimension of 'Survival of the Fittest.' I'd rather know now so that I could renounce my humanity and just start back stabbing people, tell total lies so that I can get the best jobs and make the most money. Later I will go into politics and take over the world. People always asked why I never joined campus politics. My answer was simple, "I am not able to make a big change single handedly when the rest of the student representatives are sitting on their hands when it comes to student problems. I am not willing to lie to fellow students and make promises that I can never hope to fulfill. I am not able to face Judgment Day and explain my failure to fulfill my promises as a person in power."
I wish people realize that 'what goes around, comes around, you reap what you sow' and to those who believe in God, 'You have liable for every action that you take in life during Judgment Day.' So think carefully before you act since most of your actions involve other people who might not be as forgiving as the Almighty. We are after all human. Is it so much to ask for you to be considerate to others?
I got to go. Gotta hit the showers. Later.
Love,
Julie.
PS: I am hideous and as huge as an elephant to those who wondered.
(Friday, May 9, 2003, Evening)
Dear ppl,
Last night I had trouble going to sleep. The night before I dreamt of as usual death and illness. These dreams are very troubling since I usually don't know these people. Unfortunately, that night, I dreamt of the YCCians visiting someone in the hospital but that person was dying of blood cancer. It was a little boy. He was so adorable and cute. So young and so troubling. I hope this will just remai a dream that my active imagination created. I was so scared to sleep that I kept on playing Civ III until 4 am in the morning. By then I was so tired that I can't even think. I shut the PC and tumble into a dreamless sleep. Blessed oblivion.
Today I woke up at 10.30 am and paniced since I had to submit the project. Then I remembered that today is not Saturday or half day. Spend time reading and playing Civ III. By the way, the French attacked me. That moron actually think she could take over my cities. Instead I took over the whole French island and empire. Rot under my boots. The Greeks? I completely wiped them out. Yes, yes, hell hath no fury than a Julie scorned.
GTG, I have a guest dropping by. Later!
Love,
Julie.
PS: Everytime I listen to the song Evanescence - "Bring Me To Life" I imagine myself free falling and flying. It feels wonderful and that's why I love this song so much.
(Thursday, May 8, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
I haven't been blogging for quite sometime. I've been very tired and cross lately. Then since the finals is coming up in 9 days, I've been writing up my notes. My current favorite song is " Bring me to Life" sung by Evanescence. I don't completely agree with lyrics specifically the part where you expect someone to bring you to life. I personally think that the only person that can save us is ourselves. No doubt it's hard, but at least you are being fair to the people around you. I really love the music though.
Today I was commanded to meet Mazlina at the dentistry faculty so that she could work on my teeth. She decided that I would be a good specimen. Blagh! Nag, nag, nag. So she signed me up for the scaling and polishing process. Except for the long waiting and doh?! what the???? time it was fine. She said, "See, Julie, I was nice enough to make sure that the doctor that screened was the most handsome." Yep! He sure had beautiful BROWN eyes. Remember, dentist wear MASK! A fat lot of good it did for me ;p Although, looking at his eyes.... mmm... I understand the exoticness of women in veil. He really had a beautiful pair of brown eyes. Hahahahahaha...... Sexy!
At lunch time, I met my father who was nice enough to make the journey all the way to Bangi and fork over some mulah. Lately my parents have been very protective of me. They visit often and don't mind me babbling about everything and nothing to them. So far, I haven't found someone who has that high tolerant for bull*hit. Except this time we talked about, love, marriage and kids. "Lia, if you don't have to, don't." Very fascinating father, I know. It would seem the life that I dream about is very difficult to achieve with children. According to dad, you marry perhaps but children are optional. He cited Japan and Germany as main example. Hmmm... fascinating. So I have a very supportive father who will support me in any case I decide not to jump into matrimony, hang myself, tie a knot, jump the broom, you get the picture. Currently I opt for lets just wait and see since I am afraid of making any harsh vows that I cannot keep later. And no Bro, I am not looking for a Roark in my life. I looking for a mild, easy going man with no temper to mention of. Those brave women out there are welcome to the dangerous, macho, me Tarzan you Jane type. I want a peaceful life.
Oh, BTW I am PMSing. The usual physiological signs are bugging me. Currently not running a temper though. I am no longer angry at my group members anymore. Too lazy to get worked up, it only tires me out. Although what makes me angry is people who say, "Why didn't you tell me to do them again, I feel so guilty for not doing any work. I know, I'll type up the cover, content page and print the whole project." I suggest those people stuff it. Wait until all the mental work to be done then run over and ask if you could help. Sod off. You don't need to graduate from a university to do that. Then the other saying, "Yeah, she made SO much effort." The two of you go to KLCC, get to the top of the towers and jump down! I bet you'd enjoy the view.
I feel kind of feverish right now. I blame Mazlina for it. Oh, and over there, people don't know how to pronounce the letter Z. They just call her MaS. When she became the airline? God knows. Well gotta go. I'm playing Civ III now and am the Roman Cesar. Currently trying to take over the Egyptians. So resistant, sigh! At least am taking Mazlina's advice about taking over people's country. Do it with stealth! Later....!
Love,
Julie.
(Tuesday, May 6, 2003, 11:49 a.m.)
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(Monday, May 5, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
I am furious with some people. The are completely selfish and I never notice how selfish that person is until today. I considered smacking her head the way the YCCians smack stupid people's head but as my mother thought me manners. As I said I had to do a presentation 2 Fridays ago. When I requested for material from my group members they merely told me to refer to their write up. When I do, I realize that these people had no idea what on earth we are doing with death. I'm not asking for them to die, I want their feedback about emotions associated with death. They ended up giving me utter garbage that they lifted the whole write up word for word straight from the book. I was enraged and instead of asking them to redo the whole thing again, which will cost TIME and PATIENCE that I don't have, I winged it. I gave then a chance to redeem themselves by doing a short 2 minutes sketch. What happened? I was presenting at 9 am in the morning and they quit on me at 11 pm the night before the presentation day! I was up till 2 in the morning, restructuring the whole presentation. I wish I could slap all of the silly. #itches are so busy with boyfriends left and right.
I shan't name names here but this person offered to represent the group in presentation. What happened? Talk is cheap since she backed out last minute. Her reason? She had an exam one day before the presentation. Hello?! You had 2 months to study for that paper. You practically interrogated everyone for the exam questions. If there's anyone else that I meet more selfish than you, I'd tell it to you straight to your face. Wow, like the paper was so hard since you had all the questions that was coming out. Kiss a$$. So fine she refuse to present, so we trade jobs. I present the project and you edit the write ups. What happened? That silly twit came whining to me about the sucky write up they gave her. Her reaction was to ask that fellow to redo the whole write up. Woi, women, the project is due this Friday. Have you lost your mind? That women cannot finish by Wednesday latest so that you can do editing. What the *ell?
So there no introduction. No conclusion. We have 2 completed chapters, 1 adjustable chapter and 2 completely crappy chapters that has no relevance to the whole project. She was throwing a royal tantrum and a fit. I said, "Look, lets each take one chapter and untangle the whole mess." Her answer was classic, "I don't have time! I have my lab work. I don't want to type this whole thing. I'll just mark the paragraph that I want her to include and ask her to type it. I'm so stressed out. I don't want to think about this tonight." Right!!!! She has 3 weeks plus 3 months to do the lab work which is important, no doubt, but not urgent and our mutual paper. As I recalled, I am taking both emotional management paper and philosophy paper. So far most of the project work has been done by me. Hmmmm.... no time....right..... You had time to go meet your boyfriend. You had time to go home. For as long as I remembered I have yet to go home and it's not like home is in Perlis you know.
Then when I told her that I suffered worse to prepare for the presentation, she merely brushed them aside and kept on whining. Tuhan aku tak sabar. Tolonglah sabarkan umatMu ini. It was acceptable that I suffered misery but for her royal highness queen God knows what, its a disaster. I suggest that she go and soak her head in the nearest bucket. You got a problem, you solve it. Not by choosing the most convenient solution to you but by choosing the solution that's for the best of the project. Now I have to do the introduction and the conclusion for the whole project, the adjustment of the chapter and the introduction to both new chapters. We decided to accept the adjustable chapter by making minor changes and she will go and tell someone to type the one chapter that she will highlight from the text book. So technically in this whole project, I did most of the write up, I presented, I edited and I proof-read the whole thing. So what's the 4 morons are for again?? If the lecturer doesn't find out about this, my name isn't Juliana.
It's almost 3 a.m already. Thankfully I manage to finish my part. Her Highness? Sleeping cause she's upset. She went back to her room to wait for her bf to call then she's going straight to sleep. The book? It's with me. If I don't have to do the final chapter, I should count myself as lucky. On the other hand I wonder if shooting myself in the head is easier. Nah! Guns aren't easily obtained in Malaysia. Tired... Later!!!
Love,
Julie
(Sunday, May 4, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
It's 10.30 p.m. already and I have yet to start on my emotions assignment. So far I have managed to type the title 'Fear' and underline the title. Then I saved and closed the file. Then I clicked on the Civ III icon and transport myself to another world where all I have to think about is where the next attack is coming from and if my people are happy. I know, I know, I'm practicing the art of escapism. Frankly I don't really care, except that if this goes on I might screw up my whole project. I need to buck up. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the same song and dance. I need to behave. That is the problem when I get pissed off at group members. I don't perform pro-actively like I usually do.
Other than that, I spend the whole day on my other project, philosophy. Funnily enough, when I told people that I'm thinking of doing Masters in philosophy, they all either think I am mad or that I'm kidding. Very true, I'd rather just read more about philosophy than take exams on it.
I have to go back and start on the death project. Very sad but my only company tonight is Az's Snoopy mug. Missing her so much and currently am listening to 'Picture' sung by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. How strange listening to them singing a country song. Guess I was busy listening to all the R & B music. Well gotta go. Later!
Love,
Julie.
(Saturday, May 3, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
I haven't been blogging for quite some time. I was busy chasing after my projects. One involves death, another involves humanism. The first involves human emotions, the second human values and philosophy. I haven't really done my death assignment. I have read up and presented the topic but so far, I have yet to do my write up or my group member's editing. I guess I feel quite fed up with the fact that I have to handle the whole project. Now days when anyone discuss anything with me I have to think about it. I have to think about my capability of using the idea instead of thinking about assigning the job to someone. I guess it's a lesson learned. It's one thing to be managing a project but another to be a slave to the whole project. It will only make me angry in the end. I guess I'm a tad surly since I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's getting difficult to fall asleep and I have the habit of waking early in the morning. I tried napping during the day but I just can't shut down my brain. Blagh!!!
My finals is on the 16/05/03 and 17/05/03. Which is about...... almost 2 weeks away. Yey!!! I can't wait for finals. I want the semester to be over. Then I graduate for GOOD. Not that I don't love UKM, I just despise some people who decide to make my life miserable. Thankfully they are not from my faculty, it's from the insurance specialization who decided that I needed a lesson to humble me. I guess to that person I live a charmed life since I have good relationship with most lecturer and they are willing to give me a lot of leeway in my class attendance. I was depressed last semester and needed a lot of help and understanding. I wanted to take a break from my usual semester but as usual I remembered my responsibilities and decided to just try my best and leave the rest to God. Somehow when I look back in my school years, I realize that I have a lot of problem with autocratic figures. I just can't fit in to the mold that they want me to. I feel like a circle trying to turn into a square. It's just not me. I deeply apologize to these people who got hurt by my stand.
Sometimes when I look back... I wish I could change the past. My first choice would of course not be born at all. Then again when I thought about it, we see a lot of other people dying when they wanted so much to live, I feel so selfish. I am given a wonderful life, and I have the responsibility to make the best of it. Success in life comes not from holding a good hand, but playing a poor hand well. I can't really remember who said that, having a memory of a sieve, but I think it makes sense. I guess I have some growing up to do. What I regretted the most was rejecting the offer to enter a medical school in Ireland. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough and that my parents couldn't afford the fees. I was wrong and I am sorry. I wish I talked to my parents about my anxieties. But it's over and I guess it's time to move on.
Oh, by the way, I'm still slightly stuck with my humanism project. That's okay. I still have tonight. Then I want to start the death project. My project is about emotions that is involve in in an event of death. Very morbid, very factual. To those who rather not think about it, it's okey, it's understandable. Except when you expect the people who are grieving about their loved ones to suppress their emotions. That is not fair. When you force these people to do so, they will try to contain their grief and on a long term basis it's harmful. Surprisingly, these people who are grieving will relent to social pressure to put aside their mourning. I am not saying that we should encourage them to beat their chest and cry, I am saying that we should be supportive. Listen to what they have to say, let them express their feelings. For heaven sake, don't try to be logical. We are talking about emotions here, even a 3 hour session with a shrink can't promise that you get to the bottom of the emotion. I know a friend who felt very sad when her father died. The last time we talked she told me that he's an s$$hole who is better off out of her mother's and her family's life. He was abusive verbally and physically but in the end, he was still her father. Don't be selfish, lend a helping hand or in this case a strong shoulder to cry on and an ear so they could accept their loss and move on.
I love the peaceful feeling I get every weekend in Kolej Rahim Kajai. It's so relaxed here with people gone home and out shopping. I could just lie in my bed and daydream all day long. But work is work and it's calling my name. I've got to go. Until next time, later.
Love,
Julie.
(Wednesday, April 30, 2003, 02:19 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I just finished my final presentation for the semester. No more standing in front of aa bunch of fellow students and presenting a topic you barely know. My group was suppose to present yesterday but it was posponed to this morning. We were so shocked to be put as the first group to present today.
I apologise to my dearest wife. I saw a really SEXY girl yesterday. I mean, I'm as stright as they come but look at that a$$!!?? Is it real? It was very perky. Yes, yes, I'm getting to be too graphic but wow @_@ There was also a guy who was quite sexy, his voice I mean. Wish I could have him before I go to sleep. That sounds wrong somehow.... I mean I want him to read me to sleep:) What were you ppl thinking??? Someone told me not to imagine the audience naked but... hehehehe.... if I did, I don't think I could have presented the whole presentationn with a stright face.
I slept late since I wanted to stuff my head with more knowledge before I stand before the crowd and be questioned by lesser mortal. Waarhahaha.... I finished one part. Now to start typing the project... So malas.
BTW me apologise to people that me have nagged all my life. It would seem that I have the tendency to nag ppl. Yes, yes I will stop. I shall mind my own business. Blagh, so boring. Never mind, there's always my wife. Wonder what I can nag her about. Nina, anything that I can bug you with?? Mazzie??? Shall I nag you into sharing Farhan? Gosh speaking of which, there is a junior in my class who look almost like Farhan. Only he's better looking than Farhan. Sorry dearest but Farhan is just to tanned for my taste.
Well, I need to sleep. Had barely 6 hours of sleep. Therefore I shall proceed to my room and take a LONG nap. Later ppl.
Love,
Julie.
(Monday, April 28, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
Today, I realized that I am so lucky to be loved by so many friends. Useful and useless friend alike. Those who are a pain in my a$$ love me since I nary say a bad word about them. I don't think prattling on and on about someone's short comings to that someone will help. I believe that if you cannot give a 'building' criticisms, shut up. Cause making that person more unhappy about his/herself will only make the situation worse. I select people to whom I tell my complete unvarnished truth. This is because I don't see a good reason to shove the cold hard fact on people when I know what I tell will only either make them more stubborn or make them crumble. Therefore some would call me a diplomat.
On the other hand, my useful friends are whom I call my true friend. You know the type who are there for me through thick and thin. The one who were stoic enough to lend their shoulders for me to cry on. The one who kick my a$$ when I enjoy my misery too much:) Those who share my joys and dreams. The ones who waits for me while I toddle along at my own pace and occasionally give me a helping hand. I know that when they need me, all they have to do is call my name. I do occasionally enjoy playing the hero. You know, the one who saves the day :) Nina called today and she was nice enough to discuss philosophy with me. Poor darling, had me asking lots and lots of questions about humanism.
Then I went to my lecturer to discuss about my presentation. He was very nice about it. I tried to play my devil advocate game with him but as usual he shot my argument down one by one. Bloody irritating of him to be so well read. Well it is his field, what am I talking about. He wanted be to give a broader view into humanism and religion. I am very interested in religion believe me. I've read up a little about Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism but to make an opinion about the relationship of religions which I do not practice with humanism, it's a bit challenging isn't it? I mean I think all religion advocates for the good of human, right? With the "Do on to others" principle and all. Except that he wanted me to think about what is God's role in humanism. How the holy heaven do I do this? I read a lot but not that much. *sigh* One of the main principles of humanism is that they do not believe in the supernatural. Like the precognition, psi, astrology, the concept of human soul and such.
Then when I finished preparing my group presentation, they decided to go and photocopy the handouts. I was wearing my shorts. I decided to tag along regardless the fact that I don't have any id on me. BIG mistake! I was arrested upon entering the campus area. I didn't mind since it was my fault. But the security personnel was so bloody rude. I never wear shorts out of my home, swimming notwithstanding. The man ordered me to get out of the car. When I tried to explain about me not dressed decently but it was rudely brushed aside. HELLO! I don't think there's any male out of my family have ever seen me in shorts! My legs felt so.... exposed. I ran the distance to the security booth, got the summon written up and ran like the bloody blazes back to the car. I curse that man. I swear I do. It was one thing to give me a summon, that was my fault, but to act rudely without consideration to my sensibility was pure barbaric. I might not be the most perfect Muslim in the world but I do not wear anything that exposes my legs to all sundry. Ask any of my close girlfriends. I am a prude in that department. Argh!!!!!!!
I guess I better get back to my preparation for my presentation. Later...
Love,
Julie.
(Monday, April 28, 2003, 01:14 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today I reaad up on TJ's blog and felt guilty. I was being really selfish when I was wallowing in my own misery. That made me feel worse. I will be off-line for a couple of days since I have a Philosophy presentation this Tuesday, wait a minute, that's esok. Argh!!!!! Argh!!!! What time is is now??? 1.40p.m Argh !!! Class is at 2p.m. Well, the way I look at it I only am obsessed with my emotions when I aam alone. Therefore I will stay occupied with either Kak Fiza or with my assignment. I am hiding from those psycho moron who is constatly on my tail. I will be hiding at Kak Fiza's room or in Nabil's room.
I have to present the implication of the application of Humanism on religion. My first question : What do I know about religion? Secondly, when did I sign up for the Society of Pious People? *sigh* It's troubling when I don't really know what to say about this topic. When I say religion, I mean, Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu etc and etc. When on earth did I do a PhD in religion. I hope my presentation will not throd on anyone's toes.
I am happy when I am busy. Yeah, right. And I am the one who always say, "Chill..." Right now I am busy and therefore I am happy. At least I can push my psychological problem aside for now. There are more urgent things to be done. I use work as an excuse to escape my emotional problem. Well as long as it works :)
Gotta go, class calls.
Later,
Julie
(Sunday, April 27, 2003, )
Dear ppl,
Today instead of going to Genting Highlands as planned with my parents, we went the opposite side. We went all the way to Malacca. It was a wonderful journey. First we went to Port Dickson, where we stopped for a drink. I was so happy to sit and listen to the sound of the waves. Wished I could have found a hammock and drift away to sleep. I told my dad about my fear of death. He said, "Lia, the fact of life is, we are born, we grow up, we procreate, we grow old and then we die." Logically I knew I accepted what he said to be the truth but inside I cry. Right now at this moment, my wish is to die before my parents do. Right at this moment, I'm not strong enough to keep on going alone. But I don't feel this is strange since right now I am so obsessed with my mortality. I am burying my fear deep but there are times when the shadow popped up in the middle of nowhere and I can't run or hide. But that is my problem. Something I have to face and handle myself. Only I can solve my internal struggle. It does help to 'verbalize' my thoughts.
I also went to Tanjung Kling in Malacca. There was a row of stalls where my parents and I always stop during our trips cruising around. The thought fill my eyes with tears. I guess I am at my weakest moments. I don't want things to change. I want to be the adored daughter always. But part of me realize that sooner or later I have to grow up. God help me then. I feel so tired of life. I feel so old. What am I? Barely 22 years old and I am already weary of what life has to offer. But I keep on going. One step at a time. One moment at the time. Dad once said, "Lia, if you feel depressed and you feel that you can no longer see the life ahead of you, don't quit. You just take it one day at a time. One step until you have to take the next." I feel too tired to feel angry at people who uses me. I feel too tired to feel anything but tired. Right now I only grieve for me. I guess I haven't reach rock bottom yet for me to bounce up. I will recover, insyallah. Pray for me.
Love,
Julie.
(Saturday, April 26, 2003, )
26/04/03
Dear ppl,
Today I did a lot of reading. I was suppose to do a write up about humanism, the connection between people who profess to be a religious humanist and those who are atheist. Yes, I am discussing about philosophy. I finally lost it. It is very confusing for me. Humanism theoretically is suppose to be the philosophy where humans are the center of the universe (am I making any sense?). It means that in all of our action humans are our first priority. It would seem the secular humanist believe that God doesn't have a function. It was man (human) who create God, not the other way around. Therefore there a big hum drum about the so called real humanist and the fake (religious) humanist. I suppose since most of us Asian's do have a religion (not sure about this) this argument becomes confusing. You see the main problem is that in religion there are certain rules like pre-marital sex, killing (abortion) and such. For a humanist I suppose sex is a biological function that every human needs (it is in the Maslow theory of needs), therefore since it doesn't hurt anyone ethically, it should be permitted. How does one argue with this logic?
Oh, by the way, I woke up late :) Lately I can barely keep my eyes open by midnight. By 10 p. m. I can already imagine my comfortable pillow underneath my head and me floating into oblivion. Except people haven't been that understanding. They wonder why I start getting dark shadow under my eyes by 10 p.m. Ladies and gentleman, I do NOT indulge in naps during the day. I tried to stay up at night to do work. Even with 2 mug of coffee without sugar or creamer, I feel so.... sleepy. I guess my body has learned how to ignore the caffeine in my blood. Right now its 10.20 p.m. and I feel like climbing into bed and pulling my comforter over my head. But I have to read more about Humanism. At least until midnight.
Wanis came over today and she's leaving tomorrow. She gets to listen to me babbling about mean people. I have a song that's playing in my mind.
Wild Child
Ever close your eye, Ever stop and listen,
Ever feel alive, And you've nothing missing,
You don't need a reason, Let the day go on and on,
Let the rain fall down, Everywhere around you,
Give into it now, Let the day surround you,
You don't need a reason, Let the rain go on and on,
Chorus
What a day, what a day to take to,
What a way, what a way to make it through
What a day, what a day to take to a wild child.
Only take the time, From the helter skelter,
Every day you find, Everything's in kilter,
You don't need a reason, Let it all go and on,
Every summer sun, Every winter evening,
Ever spring to come, Every autumn leaving,
You don't need a reason, Let it go on and on.
Chorus till ends.
I have to go, my philosophy work calls :p
Love,
Julie.
(Friday, April 25, 2003, 03:32 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I woke up exhausted from sleep. I have a presentation that will discuss death in all its glory. Last night I was up late working on the presentation and the representation. My group backed out on our presentation sketch. I have 1 transparency with picture of death and the grieving people and I have to discuss about emotions associated with death. What do you feel when someone close to you die? Sad, angry, guilty, relieve and scared. When my grand dad died, I was angry. I was angry that the people who were suppose to love him didn't take good care of him. I was sad cause I knew that he loved me very very much. I felt guilty since I didn't spend enough time with him. Secretly I was relieved since he didn't have to suffer living an empty life anymore where people only demand more and more from him, an old man. Then I was scare since I am confronted with the fact that someone who loved me and I love with all my heart died. What about my parents? Are they leaving me too? When? Then my brothers and family member. And my closest friends. I feel so scared. I fear being left alone. A famous saying goes something like, "We come to the earth alone, we would leave the same way." I don't want to think about it but sometimes it just plays on and on in my mind. I love you ppl so much.
I decided to tell everyone about my presentation group. What happen was that someone wanted to present. 1 week before presentation, she said that she has an exam yesterday morning so I had to do the presentation. Apperently we decided that we wanted to do a short sketch so people will see our point clearly. They were okey about it. Then I prepared the presentation text to revolve around the planned sketch. Last night once I got back to UKM, Zarina came to my room and told me that they were uncomfortable with the sketch. Bottomline, they will do it if I WANTED them to do the sketch anyway but they rather not. Which means, if the presentation screws up, one way or another it will be my fault. They can spend so much time with their boyfriend but it is so... difficult to concentrate on a 2 minute sketch. Morons. I never realise how selfish these people can be. I will distance myself from them. I mean it's one thing to listen about how wonderful their life and boyfriend is but to sabbotage the presentation is beyond mean. I want them OUT of my life. By next Friday, I hope I never have to talk to them ever again.
This afternoon, Kak Fiza came to the room. She was in a fit. Her mom cut her h/phone line. Boy was she throwing a royal fit. Managed to calm her down to call the important ppl and make sure they know the latest news. Tomorrow, we are going to KLCC to hunt for her new number. Tonight I have to work on my humanism project. What a headache. Well, later my loves.
Julie.
You are The Celestial Goddess. You rule over the
Heavens and have a fim grip on space and the
universe. Your keen intellect makes you a
person to take time to stare at the stars -
just to see what they look like.
What Goddess Of Beauty Are You?
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(Thursday, April 24, 2003, )
Dear ppl,
I needed to run away from UKM so bad that I called my dad, Nina, Fabian and my brother. I nagged, brow beat and *itched so that they will somehow meet me today. So at 10.30am. My dad arrived to pick me up in UKM. We made our way to Seremban so that he can pay taxes. Throughout the whole journey, I nagged my dad until he relent and discussed philosophy since I need some input for my next Wednesday presentation. Then I whined about being stuck in UKM and wanting to go to Mid's since I already made plans to meet my friends and my brother over there.
We went to MPH where dad decide to surf the net as I made my way to the ROMANCE section. Typical me, when Nina popped up and say, "So where shall we go?" Being Julie the boring, "San Fran's" Then I had t o make excuses to my dad so I could meet my friends. Oh BTW Nina was as usual badgering someone or the other, to drive her through a traffic jam of all things. She wanted to take pictures. The TJ arrived. She was wearing colored contacts. I couldn't decide if it was suppose to be green or blue or just strange. Since she is my wife, what can I say? What makes my wife happy, makes me happy.
Then I had tea time with dad. We shared tuna sandwich and I monopolized the chicken soup. Since I barely ate the whole day, I was ravenous. Then I remembered..., I was on diet, I should feel hungry. Blagh! Hate diet but it's necessary so that I can ask dad for new wardrobe. When dad had to leave and pick up mama, I was almost in tears. I guess sometimes I feel either I'm overwhelmed by a lot of 'me' people or that the one I love are just leaving. Then met up with Nina, Haz and TJ at Oliver's. There I tried to finish my assignment. By 6 pm I was feeling sleepy and nauseated. So waved everybody off and proceed to San Fran's. Had another large COD. Finished my assignment, it only needs typing and so I planned my presentation for tomorrow.
Met Fabian, that poor man. I whined about all sort of things to him. My grades, people in UKM and my fear of failing this semester. Level headed as usual, he gave me alternatives. I am very grateful. Then my brother picked me up at 9.40p.m. Poor darling will be missing his snooze since he's sending me to UKM. We talked, really talked about the problems I'm facing in UKM. I was happy to know that what I am going through is normal. He had to go through the same problems and he made it. So would I. So ppl don't worry about my preoccupation with death. Firstly, I have a presentation about death tomorrow. Secondly I am really thinking about my mortality now. Zarina scolded me for scaring my loved ones. I apologize. I didn't mean to do that. I just need to feel loved. San Chan would tell me that I'm going about it in a very wrong way:)
Gotta go, later...!
Love,
Julie.
(Tuesday, April 22, 2003, )
Dear ppl,
Today of all days I went to meet my philosophy lecturer to discuss my group presentation. The topic we are suppose to present is Humanism from a Social perspective. He was the most interesting man to talk to. I suppose since my father and I have kind of grown apart, I miss our regular bantering and debate. Most of the time when I ask opinion about something from someone, all I get is a lecture. How sad. I find my wits dulled by lack of practice. Nevertheless it was interesting and stimulating to suggest radical ideas and we discuss our mutual understanding of the topic. I guess he was open minded and he accepted my ideas instead of saying the typical, "You are wrong." instead he says, "Maybe you are right." And the best part is that he means it. He helps me see the world from very different perspective. In fact, I now remember to accept other people's opinion. I accept the fact that it is very difficult for me to listen to people criticism. I tend to take things personally. Now I must learn to listen, digest and absorb. I learn that in the end there is no Ultimate Truth (except the Al-Quran and As-Sunnah which is a different discussion altogether).
I suppose to most of you, my daily blog is anal and boring. I only discuss about my studies and my friends. I hope that the readers accept that my entries are about the on-goings on my life. Please do not expect me to write about sensational issues. If you want to see my world from my eyes, come and join me. Otherwise, I do provide links :)
I'm tired. I just got back from my group discussion and it's 10.45pm already. I'm exhausted by my erratic schedule and I need more sleep since my sleep are lately always disturbed. I feel mentally tired but I have a lot to read and digest. I just got the flu bug this morning. I'm all achy and my head is full of cotton wool. Thinking about my results still bring an ache to my heart. It mourns for my weakness. I'm trying hard to put it aside and to go on with life but sometimes the memory just pop out and I feel sad all over again.
Oh, by the way. To my loved ones, don't worry about me. When I whine or *itch, its just for effect. Ignore the comment. I can and have been surviving alone in Bangi and I have yet to commit suicide (no offence to anyone who have tried and is going to try). I think any of us given my situation will survive just as well, it's just that I like to turn my life into a drama. As I remembered, one of my brother's friend called me a 'prima donna'. How fascinating. I know that the comment was suppose to be hurtful but instead I was very flattered. Nina would just say that I was being my typical Cancer self. The moon maidens take their mood swings very seriously. Or am I the loony bird. It said that the Cancer are wonderful at making jokes and at making people laugh. I wonder??? What do you think?
Well it's time for me to sleep. Or read which ever. Gotta go. Later!!!
Love,
Julie.
(Monday, April 21, 2003, )
Dear ppl,
I got my results for last semester. I'm devastated. For a long while I was completely numb. As I walked up a steep staircase I wondered if falling off the steps would break my neck. For the moment I'm grieving over my results. Although people say it's I could still graduate, the sheer shock of the result simply destroyed me. I need time to think and time to remember who I am. I am at loss. Hopefully by the time I put this entry on the blog, the worse of the pain has passed. Pray for me.
Love
Julie
(Sunday, April 20, 2003, )
Dear ppl,
It would seem that I'm finally regaining my balance. I feel human once again. No more limpet Julie. I remember that once I used to be so dependant on my social support. This 3rd semester is a blessing in disguise. Now I am used to my own company again. My demons no longer dog at my heels. I accept the way I have to accept me. Not just the good but also the bad. I'm often contradict myself and that is fine since I'm very good at adapting to situations. Now it suits me to be the Goddess of Green. I no longer fear the changes in me. So what I no longer belong to the darkness. I am now of the sunlight.
Once upon a time, there was nothing that Julie couldn't do. Then there was a time when I became cripple emotionally. Rather I let my emotions control who I am. I've proven to myself that I can be alone without feeling lonely. Now I only feel at peace with myself. I don't need to hide among the crowd, hiding from the dark side of me. I understand that everyone have their own dark sides. Hey, Julie is not Julie unless she is the evil wicked naughty self. She is also the boring nagging friend. She's the champion tantrum thrower and there are times when she prefer her solitude. Don't forget the champion *itcher, gosh if she hates you, you better beware.
Currently this is the best way to express herself, .
Dear God, grant,
That I may not so much seek,
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
And believe it or not I found this prayer in a romance novel of all places. That all for today :)
Love,
Julie. PS: This prayer is dedicated to my loved ones.
(Friday, April 18, 2003, 12:09 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I've decided to get back on-line and whip myself into shape. Today I happy.... don't really know why. Could be cause my PMS is over. Until the next time..... Okey la so I was throwing hissy fits and throwing royal tantrum. Sue me for being human. Zarina is going back to Kelang... *sob* Kak Fiza and Nabil is at home in where ever that is. This weekend, I am ALONE! Dearest brother of mine, why don't you visit me in UKM.
Oh..., by the way my result will be officially released this Monday! Argh!!!! My 'Human and Freedom' essey is due this Monday. Argh!!! I want to run around my room in panic but too bad no space:) About that essey, it's still in progress since my brain totally froze. I finished the introduction and have no further idea on how to proceed. Warhahahaha! I guess I have to redo the whole thing since I completely destroy all the arguments in the introduction.
Oh! The bloody quiz for today was cancled. Lucky me since I was really late for class. Force Zarina to have breakfast since she's gonna stay in the lab all day long. Good luck with the search for perfect picture of chromosomes. Of all things why genetics?
Well gotta go and returnm overdue books. Bye!!!
PS : It's possible that I'm so happy this morning since I had double dose of caffine. I mug in the room and another glass at the cafe.
Love,
Julie.
(Wednesday, April 16, 2003, 12:44 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Have you ever felt like you are just drifting through you life? That's how I feel right now. Thinking about it makes me feel sad. I have piles of work need to be done. I have things to read and remember but I feel contented to just sit back and watch the day go by. I wonder what people think about that? Then again as Hani often say, "What the the *ell do you care what people say." I think I want to stop blogging for a while. I'll be offline for a short break so e-mail's wouldn't be answered for a while okey. I gotta get back me. I need some space to ask the why hows and what nots. Later
Love,
Julie
(Wednesday, April 16, 2003, 12:13 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Some has been asking me weird question like :
Don't you get these 'urges'?
Don't you feel the need for physical release.
Today this will be my topic of discussion. I don't know about my fellow college studens but most of the time, during the semaster, I don't have any yearn for those types of things. For example, yesterday I felt the faint stirings of a physical need. It's biology, so no one can honestly say things like I never feel them. That's total crap. Then I run along to my philosophy class. Amidst Humanism, Capitalism, and Secularism the tiny ambers died a natural death.
Is that natural? I guess so. I mean you don't think about sex when you are trying to decipher what philosophy is what and who's who. Thn when a presenter said, "This man remained unmarried through out his life." I sorta get the drift. When you are too busy trying to solve world problem, marriage seems... no big deal. I fear that had I taken the Philosophy major, I would have turned into a dried out prune. Thankfully my my passion for THAT is currently on hold, if such things exist.
So what is the foundation of marriage? Someone asked me : "Why do men and women need each other? Is it comfort?" As usual being the stright forward person that I am, I said ,"Sex". I mean think about it. Lesbian and Gay issue arises from their preference of sex. People don't care if one girl is comforting the other(I don't know about male bonding) but if it's sexual, it becomes a big deal. So the reason why we need our significant other is for "sex". Hows that for a true hard core cynic.
Actually, I think our need for the significant other is for companionship. Why do you think the image of a spinster usually comes with a cat? The cat is a symbol of spinsterhood I guess. I am merely speculating. When we get really good news, we want to share it with someone we care, someone who understands and someone who shares. That someone happen to be you significant other. I think as a general rule no human can live alone on an island. Either they begin to talk to themselves or to animals or to objects.
We need someone to be there. Therefore we seek for that person. Sometimes the lucky ones will find it now, for some of the others later. Sadly there will be some of us who will never find that elusive one. Then we either accept it or compromise. Some of us are strong enough to keep on going alone. And some who cannot wait will succumb. To what? You go figure. I can't be Miss Know-It-Alls. I am VERY human.
Love, Julie.
(Tuesday, April 15, 2003, 10:38 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
It would seem that yesterday was a day of truth. I have several people that comes to me constantly to talk and to just let it all out. Among one of the latest questions put to me was.... How far can a couple go in a relationship? To dolts out there we are not talking about distance or places here. There are questions about touching, holding hands, kissing and what ever else that happens after that. So... how far can a couple go? I think this is a wrong question to ask me cause
a) I never had a boyfriend
b) I never had a girlfriend
c) I don't do 1 night stands
d) I'm not interested in a physical relationship right now (Get that you sick psychotic pervert out there)
e) My wife and I usually hold each other hands and occasionally hug each other. Since we are both girls I don't think this is a religious problem.
So how do I advice this person? Should I start with, "Love is a many splendour thing...."? Or "Physical relationship is something special between a man and his wife.."? Honestly do I look that old?? I'm a cynic and I don't look upon the world with rose colored glasses, but when it comes to relationship, I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. I'm still a child with lots of tantrum in me. I am not ready to act mature and understanding.
Today I got a funny fan mail. Or is it? It was a very sweet 'office romance' short story. How funny. It was vulgar and certainly nothing arousing. I think Nina would laugh her head off reading it since her writing is better. I hope ppl out there, all the sick psychos will leave me alone. I have enough men in my life thank you. I don't need anymore. It was very nice of you to write thanks.
Other than that I have no more announcement. What a morning. I haven't stop laughing yet. I wonder how my philosophy class will be this afternoon. Later!
Love,
Julie.
(Monday, April 14, 2003, 01:25 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
As I told you ppl last Friday, I had a big day on Saturday. I had an interview with BNM for a job. It was THE final interview. As far as I see it I royally flunked it. I was bombarded with super power questions and was chewed up with criticism.
a) I see that you are an average acturial studant.
b) From your past activities I see you have the tendencies to be a dictator. Can you do teamwork?
I was calm during the interview but I completely lost it when I was out off the building in the streets. I whined to my father, brother, Hani, my lecturer and everyone who asked about the interview. I vowed to start sending more resumes. I hate know-it-alls.
Today I was watching people presenting their philosophy topics like Humanisme, Globalisasi and what-cha-callits. I realise something. Firstly they have no idea what they are presenting. Second they are not telling us anything and finally that the thing will come out in finals. I'm screwed. Macam mana nie?? I'm a dead duck.
I'm pissed off at Fabian cause he didn't answer my SMS. However since he was thrown to the sharks during a company crisis last Saturday, I forgave him. *smack* There I feel better. Then there's AZLINAH EUSOFF whe HASN'T answered my e-mail. She has no excuse unless she is in hospital with SARS! BTW Fab's just SMS so I'm sorry I lost my temper. Gotta go, class calls.
Love
Julie.
(Monday, April 14, 2003, 01:23 p.m.)
Is this for real???
Goddess of green. You probably prefer to be outside
where you can get some fresh air!
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
Its like total opposite off the Goddess of Night. I can't change that soon or that drastically.
(Friday, April 11, 2003, 12:22 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I'm losing my edge. I'm in a frightful temper and I'm in a bad mood. My brother asked if I was having PMS. How come when he's in a snit I don't ask him if he is having PMS? Stop labeling me! I'm scared. I have the right to be scared. It is my patriotic duty to be scared. I have something important that has been cooking for almost 3 months already. My nerves are streched thin. To those a$$holes who say stupid things like, "I don't see why you should worry. Your are so good at bul$hitting", *uck you! I do careful research and then crap. Not go to that interview with empty head and hope for the best! I don't get thing easy. They don't fall into my lap. I worked for it. Bled and cried buckets of tears over it! I sweat and sleep with it. Don't you gimme bull$hit like, "You have the talent." My whole life has always been trying to be the best! My parents expect it, my family expect it sand so does anyone else in my life. I gave up everything that matters, my time with friends, TV shows, freedom, and shopping. Don't you dare walk up to me and say it was LUCK!
I'm in a mood right now and I hope to get better tomorrow after that event. Pray for me.
Love,
Julie.
(Friday, April 11, 2003, 12:07 p.m.)
Dear PITA,
You *ucked up my life,
You *crew me up,
You are a total pain in my behind,
You like to act like you are important.
But you *ucking suck!
All I wanted was my acadamic report!
But you decide to go yam cha with the gang,
When I arrive at 11am, you are not there,
Like a fool I came 5 minutes b4 12 and you said,
"Sorry counter close."
*uck you!!
After keeping me waiting for 2 day you say,
"Oh, transkrip kena ambil kat akedemik"
Guess what all the offices closed for Friday prayer already, *ick head!
You *ucking freak.
May you burn in hell for ever.
I wish my mother didn't teach me any manners so I could give you the FINGER!
I wannna kick you sorry a$$ to hell and back
I hope you drop dead and die.
But I hope you grow up
Cause you know what "I'm GONNA GRADUATE!"
You on the other hand can hate me from far!
I CURSE YOU.
Hate,
Julie
(Thursday, April 10, 2003, 10:16 a.m.)
Dear ppl
Today is my day off in the week. Truthfully I actually need to do research on human and freedom. To think that I would know how to do this. Instead I wen surfing the net and finding the weirdest things. This was what I got from a website : Kabalarian Philosophy it said :
The name Juliana gives you a strongly independent and highly creative nature, with drive and ambition to have experiences and accomplish things out of the ordinary. You can work intently at whatever is new and holds your interest at the moment, but your interest wanes quickly when drudgery and monotony set in. Obstacles to your progress or restrictions on your freedom to act create a sense of frustration which may cause you to feel resentful and even rebellious. You can then become intolerant of others, and caustic and belittling in your expression, thereby imposing stress on your personal relationships. Although you have a clever, quick, capable mind, your progress in life is restricted by instability in your affairs and misunderstandings with people. Your impulsive nature can lead to actions which you later regret taking, or to accidents. Relaxation is elusive, and depletion due to nervous tension can develop to the point where you become subject to moods of depression and morbid thoughts. Nervous tension centres in the solar plexus, with nervous indigestion and stomach ulcers a possible result.
Well, THAT person might agree with the impulsive part of me. Witness the stupid dare I took up. Other than that.. I don't know. It's awfuly general don't you think. *Sigh* I gotta go. I want to harras Dr Zaidi. Wonder if Pn Noriza is in yet? It's so much fun to harras her since she's so nice. Later!!!
PS: TJ I tried your name and it doesn't exist in their database. Poor baby.
Love,
Julie
(Thursday, April 10, 2003, 10:11 a.m.)
To THAT person,
I, JULIANA ISMAIL, hereby agree to a truce between two warring states. I accept that there will be other instances where we shall provoke each other. I agree to withdraw every tactic that has been planned and will now behave myself. Therefore the other party shall also cease fire and stop provoking me. In this truce agreement the other party shall swear to
a) Still remain my good friend
b) Listen to me whining
c) Have patience with me
d) Bribe me:)
This truce agreement shall last for 20 turns or until the dare is redeclared.
PS: After 20 turns the negotiations shall begin for a new truce treaty.
'Why so bising ah?? I tell you negotiating with you so susah wan! We must have a win-win situation so I need a bribe. Ayoh, don play-play wan! The bribe part still stands until further negotiations.
Love,
Julie
(Wednesday, April 9, 2003, 02:24 p.m.)
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Wednesday, April 9, 2003, 01:58 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today I realise that enough is enough. Could people STOP sending me stupid forward mails. I realise that you ppl just want to keep me in the know but I'm gettting the same e-mail again and again. Please, if you don't have anything to say to me, DON'T send me an e-mail. It's making my mailbox full and I get frustrated. That means I know that I not much of a nice girl in you opinion but hello!!!!? 50 tips of snaring guys. Come on lah.. That dare thing was for laughs ya? I'm contented to wait for the right person to appear in my orbit. I'm not going to grab my baseball bat and whop on the guy's head. What then? Drag him to my lair?? Credit me with some dignity.
One of the tips given to me was : 46. Jangan tunjukkan kelemahan kamu ketika berada di samping lelaki yang kamu minati. (Don't show your weakness infront of the guy you want to snare). I don't know about you people but don't you think lying to someone you love would destroy the relationship in the end? How long do you think hide your weaknesses? When you marry (I hope that's your goal of snaring that guy) how on earth do you hide that weakness? Please don't talk crap to me. Yes, I admit that there are a lot of girl that I know that out of dorms, are all sugar and spice and everything nice. But if you do go to the dorm they could sneeze loud enough that your ears are ringing, *itch with the best of them and some only show their true color among girls. To the gullible guys who look for physical perfection, padan muka (you reap what you sow). I want a man who want me for me. Julie the kind and Julie the bad. *sigh* I'm worked up, yes??
Well other than that, I had a philosophy class. I sat beside a girl. She keeps on glancing to look at my notes. I feel the discomfort keenly as I saw that she got the p. point slides notes and wasn't paying any attention to the lecturer. It seems that she wanted to do 2 things at once. Attend the class and read a book. I had the strongest urge to smack that girl with my notes. Women, you attend the class to listen to the lectures and jot down notes. Not to copy other ppl's small notes and get confused later on. If she was a philosophy major, that's fine but she's from the f.pen. Philosophy is not one of the easiest paper around to score. Come on buck up!
Well I guess today is not one of my best days. I'm tired and cranky. I need a nap but I want to study and research about human and freedom. I guess right now I have to put my need on hold while I do my assignment. Blagh! I gotta go. Later!!!!
(Wednesday, April 9, 2003, 11:50 a.m.)
To THAT person,
I, JULIANA ISMAIL, hereby agree to a truce between two warring states. I accept that there will be other instances where we shall provoke each other. I agree to withdraw every tactic that has been planned and will now behave myself. Therefore the other party shall also cease fire and stop provoking me. In this truce agreement the other party shall swear to
a) Belanja me once in a while
b) Still remain my good friend
c) Buy me my birthday present
d) Listen to me whining
e) Have patience with me
f) Bribe me:)
This truce agreement shall last for 20 turns or until the dare is redeclared.
PS: After 20 turns the negotiations shall begin for a new truce treaty.
Love,
Julie
(Tuesday, April 8, 2003, 04:20 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today when I went to the philosophy class we studied CREATIVITY. Yeah... I quickly adjusted what I learn in class to what problems I have now. So today, I am going to solve my problem of that 'wonderful' dare. THAT person, listen up and take note. When I have you for good you are going to regret ever insulting me (cruel smile)
1. Creativity is seeing what everyone see and to think differently from the others. Let see... people see this guy as typical nice guy, I see him as commitment phobic.
2. Creative thinking is
a) Daring: the thinker must be daring in his/her creativity therefore I must be quite daring with this guy. No more nice Julie (growls)
b) Imaginative : the thinker must not have any inhibitions so that the idea is free. Julie will go to Hani and learn the art of being uninhibited.
Then I realise that this dare is quite pointless... I mean if I win, I get nothing (I don't mean that the guy is nothing but there's just no reward.) and if I lose.... I gain nothing. The only thing that I am trying to save is my pride. Is my pride worth it? I don't know.... As it is I feel that this is the quickest way to destroy any illusions of dignity. I wonder... THAT person can we call a truce?
As I thought about this.... 'problem' of mine, I also wonder if I win.. will that guy still be my best friend or will he resent me. I'm very comfortable with him and we can talk about anything and nothing. He does keep me in prespective. Why did this have to happen?? I resent this dare and I wish it didn't happen. *sulk*
Well I guess that this is one of the things that I have to face. I haven't been really thinking about how to seduce my guy friend but instead I worry my head off about the implication of my actions. I guess I could let him win this dare and give up.... but what about me. People always say, "Poor Julie is always doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.". I hate that statement.
So I decide to offer THAT person. Either you bribe me to stop fooling around with you or that we have to somehow date for 5 months and 3 weeks and see who win the dare! Well the lab assistant is kicking me out. Later!!!
Love
Julie
(Monday, April 7, 2003, 04:13 p.m.)
Blue Eyes
What Color Eyes Should You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Monday, April 7, 2003, 04:03 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I woke up this morning at 7 and looked out of the window. *Gah* Still dark so I pulled up my soft blanket and went stright to sleep. I managed to snag a mug of coffee before my class at 9. We were discussing the merits of Scientific mind. Everything must be empirical and must have proof. I guess that so... me. The last time a guy said, "I love you." My first question was, "Why?" and then, "Hhow do I know?" I mean I can't tell him to swim the 7 seas to prove his love. Stuff and nonsense.
The went back to my room... sulk and refuse to eat. At 1.45pm Az and Kak Fiza came to my room to ask me out to lunch. Since Az is leaving on Wednesday, I better spend more time with her. The strange thing is that I'm sulking over nothing. How strange.... Must be cause my games are getting boring and I finished reading all my romance novels already. Hmmm.... At 2pm I had my emotional management class and I arrive in time to get into the class before the lecturer do... then for 15 minutes of the lecture I was busy ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Well Wanis isn't calling. I wonder what happened to her.... CM is in Pahang so I have to call her soon. I really miss my friends. *Sigh* I just miss everybody. I gotta go. I'm not in the mood. Hugs. Later.
Love,
Julie
(Saturday, April 5, 2003, 03:40 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Obviously I've gotten myself into a fix. Honestly I don't know what happened. I was innocent. I swear. I have a problem with my temper. It was not my fault. It was his fault. He had to challange my universe size ego and got us into this fix. I mean I know that I'm no Cleoptra but give me some credit. The story goes something like the line was bad, both of us got our wire crossed and now I am on a dare to seduce a guy. Good Lord...... How the *ell did cautious Julie get into this fix.
So as usual I chase after my sisters and pestered them with questions. How on earth di I seduce a guy? I mean we are good friends and all... I don't want to ruin that. Who else do I whine to when I want someone to listen and not judge. Argh!!!! I can feel my stres level climbing.
Kak Fiza, the Mata Hari that she is gave unrepeatable suggestions. I could have fainted dead on her feet. Az was very supportive of that guy of course, she such a useless inner voice! I don't really want to discuss it with the YCCians since their suggestions might send me into coma.
So... I declare myself as the winner. Pity me la friend. I'm such a sore loser. I mean I feel badly enough of myself don't make it worse *sob*sob* So I still have 5 months and 3 weeks to win his affection over. But don't you think it's weird. I mean we are FRIENDS for heavens sake. I don't wanna change that. I wonder if we can change this dare into something else like 'picking up stranger in a bar'. I mean I'm champion in that. *Sigh* I have a feeling that he's not gonna let me off the hook so easily.
Later!!!!
PS: To those who know please don't mention names pls. I'd rather that people don't know.
Love
Julie
(Wednesday, April 2, 2003, 11:55 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I had a 4 hour stright class today so I'm frazzled. To make it worse, I woke up at 8.05am. The class was at 8am. Lucky me I trudged to the class anyway. We had a quiz. My philosophy class had a quiz that involves logic. I ask you ladies and gentleman, am I a logical fellow? Don't talk nonsense. I am ultimately the most illogical fellow. I always do the opposite of what the logic wants from me. Blagh.....hahahahahha...hahahahha.....I'm insane with laughter.
Then between classes, I grabbed a cup of coffee since I have another 2 hours of emotional managemant class. I'm traumatised. Then the lecturer came in and said, "Today we have a QUIZ! Its in essey form." I could have died. Comment on this statement, "The full and free experience of all our feeling are necessary for personal peace and meaning full relationship". Anyone up to arguing with me is welcome to San Fran's on Thursday which is esok. Lets DISCUSS:)
Other than that. I'm trying out a new game. It's called Syberia. When I thought of the Civillization III game I played, I laugh and laugh. One of the insult thrown at me was, "You will regret this you war mongering fool." Well I did instigate a lot of war that time. I did end 2 other country's life. The reason, "My people kee on growing that I need more space." Like Bush I feel that my actions was justified:p
Well gotta go. Later my loves!!!!
(Monday, March 31, 2003, 04:50 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
This gotta be a short notice. My first assignment, "Human and freedom." My first expression was, "You gotta be kidding." We are alll slaves to our desires. Well I might paste the whole essay on the page if I think it interesting enough.
I bothered my lecturer for full 1 hour. I demanded to be entertained since I was bored. Got all juicy details too:)
I just finished my emotional management class and some people got a direct 'hit' when the lecturer discuss emotional insecurity. It seems that people wear 'masks'. There are boasters, 'poor me's', 'I'm the macho man' and the extrem 'do gooders'. I guess I fall into the category of 'poor me' category. How about you??? Be honest.... I understand human weakness (rubbing my hands and grinning evilly). The thing I like about myself is that I can accept my weakness. Some like to rub in my weakness...yes but that only indicate their inability to accept their weaakness.
(Saturday, March 29, 2003, 08:31 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Yesterday I sorta vowed to myself that I will not leave Bangi untill the end of my 3rd semester. I had a spat with my parents. It hurts my heart to be at odds with them but they have the right to worry about me. I am a girl when it all boils down. I decide to respect their wish that I don't go out too often (the last time I saw KL was 2 weeks ago I think.. I don't know I'm lousy at keeping track of time). So I will read up the philosophy books I borrowed from the library. The first was 'Death and Society' and the second discuss Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest. Say Hani, didn't we argued about that once?
One of my subjects this semester is emotional management. We were asked to find 1 English book that has connection with emotions and do a review about it. I found the book about death and decided there's nothing more emotional than death. In the proposal I sent, I wrote that the emotions that is associated with death is grief, anger, fear and relief. I'm not getting morbid or anything but I'd rather if the society take death more seriously. I often see people get unconfortable when we hear about death.
It could be fear I guess. Or that they feel immortal. I realise now that if people think about death as something that's just around the corner, they might be nicer, more thoughtful person. I guess right now I feel my own mortality. I can die anytime now but what will people think of me? Will they come to my funeral and say, "You deserve to die, *itch!". I guess to me it matters that for as long as I live and breath I harm non. But that's me. Maybe that's why I hold back some truths. I don't judge lest I'd be judged. So in a way I'm trying to live a peaceful existence so... why????? Why do mean people still exist in my orbits. Go away!!!! Mean, mean Julie. That's what they call me:)
Well gotta go. I'm thinking of having dinner after this with Wanis. Isn't is sweet of her to come to UKM on weekends to entertain me:)
Walk in peace and bless be.
Love
Julie
(Friday, March 28, 2003, 11:51 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
This is what the website Nina visited said about me :
Juliana: You have a love of travel and adventure, and you enjoy sports. You also have a very strong sense of fair play and want justice. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You have a need to be up front. :
Ismail: You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You have a need to be up front. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others.
Do you agree?? I don' think so....
(Friday, March 28, 2003, 11:26 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I'm turning into a professional cave women. I'd rather stay in my room and starve rather go out and eat. I'm currently playing Civilization III which explains the reason why, I'm a cave women. I'm building a WORLD. It's a serious and important job. I can't let MY people die off and get killed. I'm a champion empire builder....hehehehe!! So I said I wanted to go to CM to get the books, I changed my mind. I swiched on my pc and I kept building my soldiers to take over my world. In fact I manage to sneak 1/2 hour of game today before my classes started at 9am.
My friends are worried. I say, "Don't worry as long as I'm happy leave me be."
"But Ju you are being OBSESSIVE"
"I don't care, I'm keeping occupied."
"How about the 3 vcd's you bought last week, have you watched them???"
"Nah, can't seem to find the time:)"
So okey, I am a bit obsessive about building my empire. In fact right now I itch to RUN all the way back to my room to play that game, which explains why I'm blogging. It's like fasting. It's healthy. Gosh, is it possible that I'm turning my game fetish into a philosophy discussions??? I'm going out of my mind....
Well people as much as I miss you and I adore you I don't wanna leave my room.... So TJ can I sorta break our date on Saturday??? Heh..heh.. I guess not. Well people who are free this Saturday, feel free to call me up cause we are gathering.
PS : Fab's this includes you!
Gotta go. I can almost hear my empire calling my name. Later.... Hahahahahahahahaha.........
Love
Julie
(Tuesday, March 25, 2003, 04:26 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today was the first day of my thinking philosophy class. All I can say is..... hmmm....hmmmm... I wonder if I can get the lecturer to argue with me:) It begun with a presentation by some well meaning girls who presented about a photography exhibition by Daisaku Ikeda. They showed a picture of one lone pyramid with surrounding trees. They tried to interprate the picture and lo and behold they got the facts wrong : 1. The darted monument was built by slaves NOT freeman and sure as *ell not to show their love for the pharoh. 2. I personally think that pyramid is a symbol of continuity and steadyfastness NOT death. So okey they built the thing for dead kings but hey, it's too literal. Apadah!!!
Other that that the lecturer laid down the rules about dressing formally for his classes. Gah!!! Bah!!! I don't mind really but malas. I hope the other classes will be more interesting. More of a discourse rather that a lecture but with the typical student mind it might just be that. Never mind, theres always Hani and Tariq who will gladly discuss this topic with me.
Today I'm rushing with the printing of my kajian ilmiah. That thing sucks, yeah, yeah. People!!! This Thursday I'm going 2 KL to go to book rental, shall we lepak at San Fran's? Yeah!!! Mazlina, don't forget to blog about your beach trip to Pangkor. I want all the juicy details.
Well gotta go. Kajian Ilmiah calls. It's due esok and I'm in panic!!!!
Walk in peace
Love,
Julie
(Thursday, March 20, 2003, 01:14 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Good news, I'm currently enggaged to my kajian ilmiah so I can't see you ppl this weekend. It's due this coming Wednesday and I've been so busy brooding over nothing that I'm not prepared. Well, I will be with my messy papers and journals and things like that. I fear that this time I might just lose it and tell them to sod off. How splendid. Never mind me, I'm just ranting.
We to the kajian ilmiah presentation today. WoW! The question asked was fantastic. Glad my presentation is over. Blagh..blagh. Welcome back T-boy. I'm glad ur back for Hani's sake of course. I don't have much to say so later!!!
Love,
Julie.
(Monday, March 17, 2003, 10:23 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I'm not in the mood to socialize. I'm currently brooding. I dont even know why. Say... that's better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself ya? I don't know, I'm just not in the mood. Well, it's possible that it was caused by the fact that I currently am not interested in anything. I don't watch tv, I fall asleep reading newspaper, I feel too lazy to do my kajian ilmiah... I'd rather doze all day and do nothing.
I think I might need to stop blogging for a short while. I might be facing a writer's block. I want to be left alone. Thank you. I will get back to you soon. See ya later!
Love
Julie
Heath Ledger: You like them with a drop dead
gorgeous smile, cute accent and from the Land
Down Under.
Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
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(Saturday, March 15, 2003, 10:57 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today we went out ot candle light dinner. There was Naem, Wanis and Az (Bzzzzzz). We were there when I thought well, this might be our last meal together for a long time. Its time to grow up, time to enter the work field.
Well the discussion about work came up when Hani, JQ, Maz, Munirah, San Chan and Fabian got together in KLCC. How boring. I don't really have anything to say. I'm not in the mood. Later.
Walk in peace.
Julie
(Friday, March 14, 2003, 04:27 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Hi! Today I have nothing to talk about, except I had to do a rush job on my kajian ilmiah Chapter 4. I slept last Tuesday and last night I went out of UKM at 3 am in search for food. I was hungry and I had to stay up to do my work. We went to ProJet and went shopping. Wanis asked for food and Az and I decided that we should pool our resources and EAT. Yes people, I'm eating myself to the poor house.
Well that's all. My dad is waiting. My person of the entry just has to be postponed. Sorry...!
Love
Julie
(Friday, March 7, 2003, 09:51 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
Its been a long time since I blogged. Last night I was swamped with fear, insecurity and pain. I couldn't help it, I cried. I have a personal demon that hunts me down when I'm worried and stressed out. But it couldn't survive in the light of friendship. Az found me and we talked it out. She showed me the demon was just that, a demon. It has no power over me. Life simply goes on. Its possible that I'm PMSing. I've been a tad sensitive these days.
Fabian called two days ago to say Hi! Thats very sweet. Thanks for calling. Hani and TJ sends messages and thank you too. Nowdays I really miss the joy of just hanging out doing nothing. I fear that I yearn to just sit and breath. But as En Malek said, "Stop sighing everytime you sit down." Its relief sir. That I could take the weight off my feet. Did I tell you I put on weight. Yes I look like a mini hippo these days. With all the midnight snackings I'm not suprised.
My final paper is this Sunday. Wish me luck. I have to get at least a B+ to graduate with a 3 point average. If I don't I doomed. I better hit the books.
Today I'm talking about a really strange friend. She's adorable and sweet. I swear I don't understand what she sees in me. I could always depend on her and she keeps me together most of the time. Life seems brighter when I'm with her. I can sit down and hold hands with her saying nothing. Her fingers are warm and I feel secured that aat least in her eye I'm strong enough as I am. To her my tears doesn't change the fact that I am a strong person. A women's best friend has always been her tears. It keeps them sane.
We became friends than when she thought that one day I'd be rich we got married (Sorry San Chan). We share our pain and joys. She doesn't need me the way I need her. She just waits for me while I toddled up to her and say, "Love me, I need you to love me." She whistood my temper, surly moods and mood swings. And when I see a tiny frown on her face I know that I should behave cause when it really matters, she keeps her silence. Otherwise she says, "Julie......" Then I behave or I misbehave. Depends on which is more fun.
I love her and I wish I could wave a magic wand and take her pain away. It's painful to watch the one you love struggle to fight their demons. But that is one demon I can't fight for her. I pray that she finds her path to acceptence and peace.
My thought for the day is, "Our life is like a thread that weaves into other people's life. It's true that while there are other threads making the same cloth, perhaps if we unravel one thread, its enough to destroy the whole cloth? Perhaps if we all try to make each other lives better, perhaps the world will become a better place. Kiasu-ness, trendy as it may sound, is nothing but an excuse to be grasping. Perhaps if we learn to rein in our greed perhaps this can be over come. I don't know. At least I could say that I tried to be a kind person. As human we will never be perfect."
I hope to see you soon.
Walk in peace and bless be.
Love
Julie. Today's Quizzes
Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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Good God how did this happen?
You are the soldier of justice and love -- Sailor
Moon!
What Sailor Moon Character are YOU?
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You're most like Zeus! Supreme ruler of the gods,
you worry over justice and universal order.
Your attributes in art are the lightning bolt
and the scepter. You can send proud eagles
winging down to show your approval or lack
thereof. Aren't you nifty? >^.^<
~* What (Major) Greek Divinity Are You? *~
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Languid-Sexy....
You rock the messy hair and crisp white cotton
sheet. Your idea of bliss is a day spent in
bed with your lover. There is nothing wrong
with that, though some people like to leave the
bed at times. You're a total fox, even if you
are a hedonistic bum.
What's your brand of sexy?
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Hmmmmm.....mmmmm...
(Thursday, February 20, 2003, 05:47 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
As I told you, I had a presentation last Tuesday. Now that its over it doesn't seem so bad. The lecturer and tutor had bombarded me with statistical questions and I felt completely overwhelmed that I panic. I forgot everything I studied the night before and almost freaked out. Thankfully my supervisor was nice enough to save me from bull*hitting. Dr. Zaidi, bless his soul, had defended me from those evil people who was very unhappy over the fact that I explained things stright to the point. In fact my presentation was the shortest that day.
Then today I got a really sweet phone call from Fabian who was nice enough to denay that he was a saint in his past life and is actually a human being. I glad since I don't friend with saints either. After that I had a phone call that I will never forget. Something that lifted my spirit and my soul to the heavens. But its secret, so I can't really tell you.
Last night a friend had asked for some books from me, story books. I denied demands since I was really.... really tired and the fact was that I had my pc on the box that contain my story books. She started hurling insults and accusations. I was really pissed off since I was entertaining a bunch of friends in my room. I was patient so I ignored her. The ironic thing was that I've been helping her so much that I lost count, but this once she couldn't consider the fact that I was tired. The pc was on for heavens sake. Who the hell does she think she is that I sould cater to her every whim and fancies. Screw you, you *itch! I refuse to acknowladge her presence untill she apologises. Let her. As if my life ever depended on her being my friend. She's been using me for too long that its time to say enough. I'm tired of turning the other cheek. That goes out to others too. I'm VERY patient but once I through, I'm through.
Well I have to attend other people's presentation tomorrow. I want to take pictures since I think this will be the last time we will get togather. Parting is indeed a sweet sorrow. You remember the good and forget the bad, and it's times like this that you remember all the sweet memory together. I hope I can look back without regret.
Today, I think it's time to talk about my other half in Sri Amam 4ST2 and 5SB2. She's so adorable since she is SO witty. She is kind and she helps me see the other side of the story. She defends me and I adore her for the madness that is so lovable. She is the proof that you don't have to be briliant and boring. She doesn't like pissing contest and when people say unkind things to her, she keeps mum. She knows who she is and she knows that she is loved. I don't have to say anything when we are together. We could just sit down and watch the people go by. But who can resist juicy gossips:)
I respect her as a person. She is a wonderful friend, a dutiful daughter and a sweet person. She lets me unwind and she understands my need for quiet moments. We are sisters by heart cause she's that someone that I depend on to just hold hands and wander around looking at nothing. We dream and we plan together. We even try to write a novel together. I guess we really like each other. She shares my joy without envy and we suit. Now isn't it too bad that she's a women and vice versa.
Walk in peace.
I love you.
Julie.
(Monday, February 17, 2003, 12:56 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I had the time of my life last night. It was a wonderful annual dinner. Finally an annual dinner I really enjoyed and nothing happened to spoil it. Las night I attended the Acturial Annuaal Dinner at the Kelab Rekrasi University. I wore again my Hindi costume. Well if I can't denay all the accusation of being mix I might as well flaunt it.
I was somehow out of the blue asked to make a speech. Well hell! I wrote the most wonderfully politically correct speech and blew it. The VIP decided not to turn up so I decided to change my speech. It was very well accepted since I have enough adoring fans and ppl I threatened beforehand. "If you don't laugh at my lame jokes I'll kill you and cremate you and throw it into a swamp where your parents will never find you to bury you." I guess my threat worked :)
Naughty Julie! I made my usual satarical speech and I reminded the poor juniors that they should be proud to be acturial students. Poor babies so kesian. We had a pertunjukan silat which I roll my eyes at (nobody attackes at slow motion, like duh!) and they had a tarian kebudayaan which is interesting enough except they used Siti's music (Burn that *itch).
I'm kinda scared since the presentation for my kajian ilmiah is tomorrow morning. I have to go and search for books and find the reason for all the test. Blegh! I went and consulted the lecturer and he okeyed the whole thing. Well at least I am doing something good and its something I can be proud of. I really worked for it! Now if only I can find time for a nap.... Nah gotta really prepare for monkey questions which trip my presentaation. I'm paranoid.
I adore Hani. She stood by me when I was whining and *itching. She lets me whine and when enough is enough, she'd tell me to shut up:) She'd straighten me up when I'm being mean to myself. Tell me, what more could I ask from her. Of course I wouldn't mind if she wants to belanja me more often, but... I better not push it. I adore her cause she lets me sit in a coffee shop for hours without bugging me to get up. She is never bored of San Fran's and she got this glint in the eye when she's in a mood. So I know when to tread warily. Her PMS, its nothing. It makes her mortal and I don't friend immortals who has the holier than thou attitude in everthing. I hate ppl who likes pissing contest. Grow up.
I guess I have a lot on my mind. I love all the YCCians. They are my special friend. I even like my best friend's boyfriends since they are so charming. No Mazzie, I'm not after you boy. I find myself amaazed that I managed to find such wonderful friend. The credit really goes to TJ for holding on to me when I was so ready to let go. I thought I could make it alone. I was wrong. The YCCians completes me. (LOTR soundtrack playing in the back ground). I love you.
Walk in Peace,
Bless be,
Julie.
(Monday, February 10, 2003, 04:39 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I am happy to report that I finally have my spirit of studying again. I am back studying until my back ache. Well I got news. My presentation for Kajian Ilmiah is on the 18th of Feb 2003. Yippie!! That is next week and I haven't even wrote the conclusion yet. *Sigh* More work for my poor head. Sorry ppl I cannot meet you you anytime soon. I'm only available after 10 of March 2003.
Here's an interesting tidbit. I finally thought about it and I came to a conclusion that I must thank Yu San. She helped me get over the most of my depression and salvage whats left of this semester. I remember the prior of my blog entry when at one time I was VERY sad and feeling VERY sorry for myself and I was SO angry. I was really wallowing in my sorrows. It's like a drug or something. Then she came along and gave me a smack on my head and woke me up.
I realised that feeling sorry wouldn't change a thing in the past. i have to look to the future and keep on moving. Generally, life sucks and you just gotta go on with your life. If you really think your life sucks look around you. I did and realised that I will always be me. People really like me and I am so blessed with a loving parents. I guess that despite all, my parents had tried their best and bit*hing about it wouldn't make my life better. Its not as if I deserve better. We live and learn, I'd say.
I guess I gotta grow. Getting over my depression took time. I cried, I bit*h, I got angry, I felt sorry for myself. But that is just growing pains ya? I hope someday someone read this and it will make a difference in her/his life. Maybe it will help them live aonther day.
I've gotta go, my laundry and dinner calls.
I'm missing you.
Love,
Julie.
(Friday, February 7, 2003, 09:54 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
It seems that from my blog entry I have disturb certain individuals. I'm sorry. I'm fine really. The reason I was keeping 2 myself was cause I have floormates bugging me. I'll be in the middle of something when they come over and decide to pour their whole life story.
I apologise to this ppl but I seem to think telling stories and having pi$$ing contest is not something I want to do when its 3 weeks b4 my finals. Yes, you are better, smarter, luckier and a more wonderful person than I am. But knowing that will not change a damm thing in my life.
I know that I'm being unkind but thats the way it is. I need space and time to study. We are talking about my future here. Helloo...! Don't be so self absorbed. Pity me. I don't have the heart to tell you no.
BTW Az has gone crazy. Her Kajian Ilmiah due last week and she wants to send it today. The whole week was difficult for us. She screams, I laugh. She yells and I scream my head off. There's always something going on. We are all very mad. Wanis hasn't been back to her room at all. That women is currently living in the biology lab id-ing specimens. Pity, on one hand I nag on the other I pity her.
Well gotta go:)
Love,
Julie
(Wednesday, February 5, 2003, 11:19 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I confess, I miss you. I really do. But currently with my fragile emotional state I decided that it's better for me to stay away and not mess with civilized people. My current problem lies within myself. I feel sad..., for me and for people. There simply no laughter anymore in me. I'm so greatful when the phone is silent. I don't have to pretend that everything is fine.
I'm staying close to my parents since I know that if I fall apart one more time they wouldn't blame me. They knew how hard this semester has been. I've been a VERY bad girl this semester. I go to classes as late as possible and I try to hide myself most of the time.
My finals is in 3 weeks and I'm not at all prepared. And yes I am trying, it's just that its sooo... hard to understand those lessons. I take 3 days to finish chapter 1 and I have another 6 chapters to go. Not to mention that I do have other subjects. My projects need to be constantly re edited and new source need to be found. I resent lecturers who refuse to consider the burden of being a final semeste student. I had to do so much research that I dont get to study. I am ANGRY.
Which was why I got angry when I taught someone SPSS and she tried to do a Chi-square test on a data that gives no numerical data and has no numerical significance. I swore that I could have 'aura'ed her on the spot. It was not her fault, its just that I was in a lousy mood. I am sorry and I'll try to do better.
Another group of students that I wanted to 'aura' was this bunch of snotty first year kidz. Budak-budak bodoh tu went and registered for 3rd semester when it was stated that 3rd year student has the priority. There are a large group of 3rd year students out there cursing that you stupid ppl die. What was dumber stil is that the Law faculty had open registration at 8.30am and they blocked the Science and Technology student untill 9.00am. By the time the registration was opened there was barely any place left. Stupid freshmen in UKM decided that they want to do 3rd semester. F**k Off!!!! The one lecturer was kind enough to suggest that we extend 1 semester for U2 and U3. My reply was, "If the university had not made your subject as wajib university, I would have told you to go and shove your stupid pathetic paper up you over sized a$$." Macam bagus sangat paper dia. I never even wanted to do that stupid U2 and U3 anyway. Its useless. I'd rather add up 2 extra liberal paper. I really hate SOB who thinks that thay are sooo..... smart.
So that is why I'm sad, angry, upset and tired. Funny right now it feels as if autumn has just ended and that winter is just beginning. Respectfully I ask that people to understand my need to be alone now. Don't make me hate myself more for pushing the people that I love away. I'm not pushing you away but I'm gathering my strength for the final battle.
All my love,
Julie.
(Tuesday, January 28, 2003, 05:10 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today I slept my life away. I burnt my leg against the hot motorcycle exhaust pipe and currently taking antibiotics and pain killers. It didn't help that I accidentally scratched the skin off while sleeping last night. Now I have to dress the wound everytime I shower:( It hurts!!!! I take pain killers and go to classes groggy and sleepy. My head feels like cotton as it is now. After my 10am class I went back and slept until 2pm. My class was 2.15pm, and I was barely awake. I had to argue with myself the pro and cons of going to that class. I felt like taking another dose of the pain killer and going bback to sleep when Az arrive back from her class and talked me into going :p
She related a funny story about her sending the wrong sms to the wrong person. She was telling one of her girlfriend about this guy she's flirting with (not 60RAM). Except she sent it to that guy's phone. Luckily that guy waas obliging enough to hand over his phone without question. She was sooo.... relieved.
When I thought about it I wished that he did read the sms. He is so... cool. Well naughty enough for Az apperently. I think if she quit resistinng so hard something might just happen :)
Last night I went to the faculty annual dinner. It was a cool affair. At least it was better then last year. Wanis was on the Dean's list, so when she went on stage, Zarina and I really CHEERED!!!!! Later we found out that the Dean said to her, "Ramainnya peminat." She was lucky, had I been a man I'd jump on my feet and scream, "Wanis, aku cinta pada mu." just for the sheer hell of it. It is quite possible that currrently my brain is a tad mad.
Well I gotta go. My books and bed waiting. Later!!
Love,
Julie.
(Thursday, January 23, 2003, 09:55 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
This gotta be a short note until I update the entry again. This Saturday as I have told you is my College annual dinner. I'm wearing a black dress and it has LOTS of glitter. To bad cant find the Sultan ;) As far as I know, Az and my costume wi be the grandest. I spent mega bucks on the things and got myself a 2.5 inch heels. Hah due to my half boot platform, I had no problem walking.
I'd love for us to go together but this is the cursed college dinner, by invitation only. I wanted to drag Fabian but that itself would have been lika a BFD. Now I need to have my brows done and I need make up. HANI!!!!!! Help me....! Anyway I an so excited by this dinner since I'm a SENIOR. Hahahahaha! I'm leaving UKM ppl, so I can damm well wear what ever. But I don't really have silver jewelry. Jan... do you love me as a friend?
Then there is my kajian ilmiah, 2 (3 page) essay on history of math, project paper on history of math, insurance project paper, stupid analysis that looks funny on pc and paper. Well what more can I say. It took me 5 days to pull out and arrange 800++ data from 8000 raw data. Argh!!!!! I barely slep last night. Slept at 6am and woke up at 8.30am. I wanna cry!
Well gotta go. I got class right now:) Later....!
Love,
Julie.
Guess who's back, Julie's back. From her class, from her class from her class......
Well I attende the class 15 minutes late (tell me somthing new), it seems this semester have this 'always late for class' bug. Yesterday I was so busy arranging the data that I was 30 minutes late for my risk theory class. When I entered the class the lecturer said something like, "Kena tinggal komuter ke Juliana?" Blagh! I hate small classes where lecturer have nothing better to do then to keep track the students. Luckily that class was a 2 hour class.
I wanna go home and sleep........(Julie sings in her head) But if I do, I have to analyse the datas, do her other projects and study for her finals. *sob*sob* Is there anyone out there who can save me???? This is my FINAL semester with the whole gang. Wargh!!!!! I don't wanna graduate alone. All my best friends in UKM is extending their studies, Az, Wanis, Zarina, what about me???
So how is my life so far? Mmmmm.... Wonderful, I have a loving family, supportive friends and ego with the saiz of the unverse. What else do I need? I think I trive among chaos. The more hectic my schedule, the happier I am. That explains all the extra curricular activities that I joined in high school(except snobby ones like the Interact C.)
Do you think I'm losing my mind? Maybe, keep in mind that I had 2.5 hours of sleep. I promised a friend that I'd sew her a costume for annual dinner. She is such a wonderful person that I actually suggested it myself. I'm sewing sequins on her blouse and skirt. Hahahahaha! If I had more time I'd buy some fabric and add on. See, I don't only get tonns of assignment but I also find more things to do.
But truthfully, I'd only sew for Naem since se is SO nice. She's like this girl with such faith in human kind. She only believe in the goodness of people. Except that she forgave her BF for dating another girl. God, if I was her, I'd take a meat cleaver and start hacking at the fruits of the looms. BTW this warning goes to all my future BF and all my best friend's BF. If they don't do it, I will.
I'm babbling since I'm stil waiting for my supervisor to appear. I looked at the data output and say, 'Huh?' Apa nie? So I need to : 1) Update my SPSS program. 2) REad up on analytical statistics. Except for the fact that I already maxed out my library books. Oh BTW, I bought a 155 pages worth photocopy card and 3 hours later it was down to 38 pages. Isn't that scary.
Well, I guess I better check on my supervisor again. Later!!!!
Love,
Julie.
PS : I really miss the YCCians but I hope to see you ppl soon. Take care and bless be.
(Tuesday, January 21, 2003, 10:26 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I haven't been sleeping well that I begin to take 5-10 minutes nap everytime my mind idles. My kajian ilmiah is moving but not at the pace that I wanted. My beloved computer is currently switched on for hours since I need to input data and analyse. Sad news is that since I barely eat properly nowdays that now I got the flu bug. Malas betul.
This Saturday is the college annual dinner. This year theme is "The 1001 Nights". Hahahahah! I went shopping last Friday and got this really WOW dress for that night. (Totally Hindustani) I guess for the first time I buy clothes that I will wear once or twice a life time. I sure as hell wouldn't wear that dress unless its a grand costume party. BTW in this costume I get to play the Sultan's wife. You know the one who told the stories.
My friend got almost engaged last weekend. Wow! Can't wait for the pictures. So grand. I was working on my kajian ilmiah for days already and still my data stay unfinished. Sakitnya hati!!!
Well for the rest of the week I don't think I will be writing. I have too much to do too little time :)
All my love,
Julie
(Thursday, January 16, 2003, 06:13 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
It felt like its been so long since I put my thought to black and white. Well this time I shall say it all. I'm currently finishing my final year with a 3rd semester to finally graduate. I feel sad and wierd out. I want to graduate but I seem to have this fear of growing up. My bro knows all about my tantrums I threw when I was faced with the decision to grow up and move on. I seem to jump into new situations full of guts and prepared to come out of it full of glory, only... it feels so safe to stay static.
My life in Uni is so predictable. I go to class. I curse the lecturers (not seriously). I do tutorials, homework and projects. I go to exam and once that is done the cycle begins again. Now it seems I gotta start to find WORK! I need to be very good or else.... I have to be a mature sophisticated adult. I don't wanna grow up. I have to shoulder more responsibility growing up. It means I have to work harder (kudos to Fabian).
A close friend asked, "Aren't you afraid about your future husband?" And I go like, "Duh..? Husband.. I'm still a kid, I don't do those stuff. Kidding me ah?. Don't joke man, that is a sensitive issue." Hence I complecentness in not searching for a boyfriend or anything else. "Jue, you are almost 22 years old. Grow up!" Argh.....! Someone wake me up from this nightmare. I don't wanna think about marriage. Thats tooo..... grown up for me. I guess mentally I'm stuck at the age of 5 when life is nothing but where the next entertainment will come from.
So how do I go on? How do I gather my strength to carry on and move on to the next level? I feel like Alice in the Wonderland. I know that the process of growing is unstoppable but... I wanna stop and rest for a while. I want to get away from it all to get new perspective. But here I am, 5 weeks to finals and with 3rd semester looming in the horizon.
I just can't stop myself. I just keep on going and going and going untill I fall flat on my face in exaustion. My parents really hope that I prove myself. I feel that if I don't get a job as soon as I graduate that I failed somehow. It's not them I know, its just me. I'm the spineless one.
Poor Hani and Nina and Fabian just wasted their breath talking to me to talk to my parents to take 1 semester break. One long talk with my head lecturer and student advisor and I crumbled like a cookie. I turn into a milquetoast as soon as people talk me into pushing myself harder.
In the end, I know have to make up my mind. Shal I stand up and fight another day or should I give it up and choose the mild unusual existance where 'I say nothing, do nothing and be nothing?" But the ego-maniac in me refuse to give in. I want to be somone. Somone people will respect and love. Someone who made a difference and someone that matter. My worse fear is that I will leave this world as useless as I was born. So I will lift my burden and keep on going. I choose to die another day.
Love,
Julie
(Wednesday, January 15, 2003, Midnight)
Dear ppl,
My Teori Risiko paper was blegh.... I was 10-15 minutes late for the paper. Luckily it was a 3 hour paper. I swear that every time I go into any math paper exams I seem to create more and more of Teorem, Rumus and Kaedah Juliana. Okey so I'm lousy at memorising math formula. Most ppl ask, "Sape suruh join math faculty." I can't help it. I love proving math equation in the books (hence my love for aljabar linear) but when it comes to creating symbols in my head...hmm.... The paper was so f***ed up that I feel that I wanted to crawl under my bed and die. (But I'm at peace since semua orang pun confuse about the questions )
So I just got back to the block and was happily chatting with friends. We were discussing the lack of progress in our Kajian Ilmiah. I was worrying over my 18 years worth of data. BTW my paper is discussing the market anomalies specifically week of the month effect. When Az stormed into my room. She was screaming mad. She wanted to invite a guy to a college event but she was too shy. On the other hand she's really into this guy. Then came the 1 million dollar question.
Az : Jue, how do you start aa formal letter.
Me : (Said with the ultimate stright face) You begin with 'Dear Sir'
Az : Jue, for real. Just tell me. I have to help my course mate write a formal letter.
Me : *sigh* 'In refrence of.....'
Az : Oh ya. I always forget that line. Okey thanks. I hope 60RAM will be there.
Me : Have you called him? SMS maybe?
Az : NO! He must be there. He will be. Okey gotta go.
What happened next was that the latest and hottest topic of the week. Zarina is getting 'almost engaged'. In her society it seems once the guy come merisik to the family, she's supposedly pre-booked. I had loads of laugh over that. From what I know about the guy, they seem to be a perfectly suited to each other. He is a pious man which was a very important issue for her. I concur. Hell, she'll marry him not you ppl, let her be okey. (warning to floor mates)
So I settled down on the chair with my feet on the bed (a bad habit since I hate to put my feet on the ground, no Nina I am not any type of hantu). My head is a bit heavy but I was a tad too alert to sleep. So played spider solitare and what nots to bore myself to sleep. Then Az appeared at the door.
Az : I hate that moron.
Me : Who?? 60RAM? Oh, he'll be there. He's being his usual slow self.
Az : Jue, stop calling him 60RAM.
Me : What? You prefer me to call him 15 watt? Tell ya, babe. He's slow.
Az : You have spread the name around haven't you? The karate ppl have been calling him 60 RAM. He was nice enough to visit my karate practice.
Me : *smirks* Visit you ke, watch bouncing what ever?
Az : Stop it! He jahat. He'll never turn up tonight.
Me : *sigh* Hang pi awal sangat tadi kot?
Az : Hotak hang! Look at the time its already 9pm.
Me : Blagh...! Yap, yap, nag, nag. Maybe he's late, patience is a virtue. Remember that grasshopper.
Az : Come la to the Ponggel festival. Follow me la. When you drag me to Maz open house I went and spent from 4pm to 2am temaning you.
Me : Yap,yap, okey.
I changed twice since Az decided that a t-shirt is not good enough. I have to wear a blouse. God what I do for a friend. So we went and the guy came and they spent the night together (I ment they were attending the pesta together you sickos) I was abandoned and sat beside the 2nd runner up of Miss Sari. Damm cool girl. So pretty in sari but her walk was so macho that ppl was suprised she won 2nd. Bopinder (hope the spelling is right) was really sweet underneath all the machoness.
So l left earlier and went to lepak in my room. I had hopes of sleeping when Az burst into the room. It seems Prince Charming was teased by his other friend with another girl. *sigh* My job just never ends. So we talked and talked and talked. Zarina came back from her date with future husband at 1.30am. We again talked and talked and tried to pujuk Az. And talked and talked. I slept at 5am. I woke up for class at 9.15am and I could barely keep my eyes open. Then had to run around paying bills. No wonder the day seem to blur and merge into one day.
Love
Julie
(Tuesday, January 14, 2003, 05:37 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I'm sorry if I rude to some people. When I get angry I usually forget my manners and just let them have it. I realise now that I was being mean. Contrary "Love never apologises." I really think that's crap. I believe that when you hurt your loved ones you apologise. Don't pretend that nothing happened. Something did happen and that hurt. I gave up being a street dog begging for affections long time ago. I have learned to love myself despite all that I am. I don't need to feel validated by anyone.
In the end I realise the reason I was angry was because I decided that if you want to talk to me be civilised, otherwise don't bother. I am not a floor mat and I refuse to be walked on. As I often said, "Pantang tok moyang aku bila orang buat kurang ajar." I hope whoever you are, get the point. I don't need to take no crap from nobody.
Oh, by the way, wealth never impressed me. It never will. I say, "Oh, how nice." But I refuse to let it be my master nor my god. That's more your style than mine. Gotta be my ego. My mother never taught me that since I have MONEY I can be abusive and become an a$$hole. Well hope I got the massege across.
I will respect you as far as you respect me. I don't care one way or the other. I'm trying have to take care of my goodness but that doesn't mean that you get to walk all over me. I strongly suggest you grow up and start living. Letting others make your live decisions is an easy way out. Yeah you could always say, "It's all your fault. You told me to..." Sorry I give suggestions and when merited, advice. If you take it the wrong way its not my fault.
Last I would like to thank all of you for supporting me to go this far. I realise that without the support that all my loved ones gave me I'd be broken by now. I had lots of helping hands when I had to rebuilt the pieces. And now I'm stronger and I am more determined to show what I am worth. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
PS: TJ, the title on my beloved will always be yours ;-) Nobody else can steal that title away fro you:) Not even when you spend so much time with the bodyguard grrrr...
All my love, Julie.
(Wednesday, January 8, 2003, 05:47 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Sorry about not updating my blog lately. I'll update things properly later next week. This week and early next week is when my midterm exams decide to show up. I have an exam this Thursday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. All my major papers. Sometimes I have all the luck:)
To all who made an effort to call me, Thanks:)
All my love,
Julie.
PS: San Chan Look!!! :)
Which Orlando Bloom will you marry?
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Which of Orlando Bloom's hairstyles are you???
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What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?
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And I didn't even cheat :)
Hmmm... something strange and unusual. I though I was an open book.
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Someone stop me!!!! I gotta study
(Tuesday, December 31, 2002, 02:47 p.m.)
Dear people,
I was kindly minding my own business as I learn a new programming language when someone entered my door and ask to borrow my VCD. Fine, since I know her as one of the floormate, I let her. Then she said, "Wow, you have a lot of CD's." I kinda mentally sigh and said, "There's more but people have borrowed most of them." She showed me a CD titled The Order and asked, "What's your opinion of this CD." I grinned and said, "Dunno, I just hoard most of the CD without even watching them. Like that anime Escaflowne. I just want it to be available when I want to watch them."
Then a second person dropped in. "Wow, Julie you got air-cond in your room." *sigh* "No, its just a humidifier. My room is too hot." She happily plopped herself on my bed and started chatting. I closed the programming book and clicked on the Spider Solitare. The night for studying is over. Then came Wanis back from her part time work. She was kinda pissed off.
"Tell me Julie, why do men use you to get what they want then dump you like hot potato afterwards." The devil in me grinned and I decided to sooth some ruffled feathers.
"Thats MEN for you! Immature lousy *astards! They see you as you are. Literally. If you ain't beautiful you are nothing to them! We women are more mature. We want someone who cares (okey except for Nina and a few others..:)) Let me teach you somthing, 'Men give love for *ex and women give *ex for love.' Don't you ever forget that. Forget about those shallow men. Curse them and look for a more mature man."
"At what age do they mature?" asked this wide eyed innocent little twit (adorable twit though).
"Age doesn't matter! I meet older men who still see me as a piece of a$$ and ... Look at Mazzie's Farhen (blagh!) he is soooo.... sweet but there are moments of his own madness la... Be he is sooo.... sweet." By now I was laughing like mad inside. I wondered how long I could keep on stringing her along.
"Hah! Men are all *astards!" said Wanis, comforted. "Don't understand why they would like girls with those....those wide flapping mouth."
"The word you are looking for is mulut barai," I said elegantly. "Some people just cannot keep their mouth shut. (No offence to anyone) Thats why we call them mulut barai."
"Well, the word I know is mulut birit," said Wanis, uncertainly. "Well, she just let her mouth run off." (What a sight I must say. Stop it! My imagination was running wil by then)
"Tell ya what, I'll stick to my term as mulut barai, and you stick to your term as mulut birit." I said, good naturedly. So I plied her with food and drinks for supper and sent her off happily to bed, *sigh* Sometimes your job just never end. So that's how it is for me as a floor leader.
What do you think? I get to climb into people's room via the window (We are on the 6th floor). Get called from Bangi about finding a spare key for one of the girls (I was in KLCC). And end my studying session at 10pm and finally close my door at 1am if I'm lucky. I adore my friends. They are so interesting. Well gotta chase after my lecturer again. Later!!
All my love
PS: Ppl I cannot call cause my prepaid tinggal 50 sen. Sorry. Happy New Year. I lift my glasses of chilled grape juices to all of you. God bless.
(Monday, December 30, 2002, 02:51 p.m.)
Dear people,
I've not been doing much work today. *sigh* I need to catch up with my work but chasing lecturer is getting to be hard especially when they don't want to be found. Well to all of you out there ...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I don't really belive in new year resolutions but here goes :
I want all of my dreams to come true and I will do all I can to achive it.
Well gotta go. Take care and all my love.
(Monday, December 23, 2002, Midnight)
Dearest people,
I screwed up my proposal presentation. I had prepared my power point presentation and when I arrived, the lecturer had no projector. F**k him. The all had transparencies. Bastards and bitches one and all. The person I curse the most was Wu Yen. That Goddamm Bitch didn't tell me that the lecturer recently told us that there will be no power point facility. There I was innocently trusting people again. Sh*t. I went to an open house with her and she didn't tell me that I had to make transparencies. I curse her 44 times. I told her what type of presentation I was going to do and the b**ch just kept quiet.
So I stood there doing my presentation on an entirely new concept to the students without visual aid. I screwed my proposal and the fact was I became the worse presenter. I swear that I will get my revenge but let me tell you, she wouldn't see it coming. Ass kisser. Now my supervisor is generally pissed off with me. He barely acknowladge that I'm alive and all my questions went unanswered. All my kaedah is postponed. As I live and I breath, I will have my revenge. Needless to say after the whole thing was over and when everyone was gone I cried. I was so UPSET. I cannot understand the need for people to do me harm when I never did anything to them.
My proposal went bust. My linear algebra was crap. My risk theory is somewhere between here and there. I have to write up a report of a dead man name Ricardo. Frankly right now my whole semester is going down the toilet. Tell me, am I depressed yet?
My honest answer would be NO! I gonna fight back and ain't nobody gonna kick me in the a$$ in my final semester. DO YOU CRAPPY PEOPLE OUT THERE HEAR!!!! Sod off.
Well that sounded cheerful. *sigh* Well later then.
All my love,
Julie.
(Sunday, December 22, 2002, 09:15 p.m.)
Dear everyone,
My presentation for the damm proposal is tomorrow. Today I had an open house to attend. It was a summon from the mighty lecturer. What to do, I'm currently in his class. The food was superb. I was with Kak Munirah, Lin and Kak We. As usual Lin and Kak Was was a barrel of laughs. Finished 3/4 of a tray of caramel pudding. *sigh* So cute to see them pig out. I'm scared of the proposal thing so I asked Lin if she has prepared her slides. Dumb me.
"Tak yah buat slides sebab you only have 15 min of time to present."
"You are kiding me yeah? Takkan nak talk all the time?"
"Dr Zaidi said that its fine."
Silently growls. Damm teacher pet. I prepared 20 slides already! What am I gonna say tomorrow? I need to download a lot of journals. This cursed cyber cafe is acursely slow. When on earth will sleep then? Apa aku takda kerja lain ke nak tunggu downloads? Curses ran through my mind.
Then I was running to the library after the open house since I needed to look up for more journals. Argh!!!!! Got there spent hours searching for journals yang tah tikus mana yang makan. So I had to run up and settle down in front of a pc to search the datebases. Found them thank God! But I had no diskettes so I had to email them to my email account. Hence the time I need to download all the journals. At 5-6pm, I had to leave since my bro was nice enough to drop in and take me out. Poor baby, I did nothing but pissed him off this few days.
Well, now I shall gio and chew this pc out foe f***ing with me. So later loves..... PS : Fabian whatcha want for Christmas other than a new job? :)
(Saturday, December 21, 2002, After midnight)
Dear ppl,
Went to watch Lord of the Rings with my brother and his wonderful friends, Hazel and VI, Errol etc. (sorry lupa nama:)) I was in fact lacking in sleep. I was a grouch and was a total a**h**e to my brother. Sorry ya! I was sleep deprived since my presentation was drawing near. But I insist on watching LOTR this weekend since I wanna watch it with my bro.
Oh..oh!! Me gotta go bro calling..
Okey, I am back. Were was I..... Oh, yeah. Here goes.
There I was in Mid's for the LOTR midnight show when all I could think of was ... shit... Monday is a day after tomorrow. I better sit down and meditate before the presentation. I'm sure there would at least be one cute single guy running around. But all I could feel is, "What are these people so excited about, its just a movie. Sleep.......Sleeep.... Bed..... Mmmmmm.... wonder if I could cuddle up in the cinema and take a short nap. But bro was nice enough to belanja be :) (Me spoilt to bits by him) If I slept in the movie he would give me a huge whack on the head.
I think it' my lack of sleep to be blame for this comment on the movie. It started with the whole running characters, fiery monster and a wizard falling of the broke bridge and I went thinking something like, "Eh... kenapa repeat this scene again." Then the scene when the king buried his son and said, "No parent should outlive their children." (Duh.. cliche line... like come on, life is never fair).
The when this poor Hobbit said, "You are my Mr Frodo." I was astonished and turned to my brother to say, "Jeezz they are GAY. Why the hell didn't I notice?" He merely growls, "Shut up" In this movie, there were so many Kodak moments that I could have gagged. I swore that I should hear the violins playing soon. Then again lots of cliche lines and scenes. Blagh!!! Mmmmm... there seem to be something between Legolas and Aragorn. They seem to have chemistry... Wow... With all the female swooning over Aragorn, wouldn't it be a pity if he is actually a gay:)
Then after the movie, my brother said the movie was very good. Me in one of my snits said, "Blagh! I never worried whether or not they would survive the attack. There would be a third movie, ain't it." Surly....surly Julie. Maybe I shouldn't have gone knowing that I would act like an ass the whole time. I apologise to everyone concerned. I behaved badly.
I really love the wonder of watching Lord of the Rings. Maybe tonight I'm a bit to thick to even open my mind. Me wanna watch this movie as soon as I recover from my proposal stress. Well, don't worry ppl. I really love LOTR and will rewrite the review after i wtched it for the 2ns time.
Take care and all my love.
Julie
(Thursday, December 19, 2002, 01:13 p.m.)
Dearest ppl,
Today is the day all of us UKM ppl VOTE! Theres seem to be a new political party in campus. It's called Aspirasi. The other anti-government party would be MAMPU's. I wonder, what is my political standing. In UKM the MAMPU's are considered the majority party. They rule, you shut up and watch them in power. *sigh* I curse them for not fighting for my student right. We all complained about the sad state of bilik kuliah, late to non existant busses and expensive food on campus. But as usual they are a bunch of NATO (No Action, Talk Only). Some of us who has to literally fight to get on the bus curse this morons. As a friend said, "Bodoh sial".
Some defended them by saying, "But its as Islamic party." Wei, ppl. Islam or not that is between you and Allah. Apa kena mengena politik dengan Tuhan? The strangest thing is that this ppl who profeses to be the ultimate pious ppl, produces the most ultimate 'mulut capui' risalah. Man, the thing they say.... Scary. Poor juniors get this political party shoved down their throat as soon as they step one foot on UKM for orientation week. Kesian... baru masuk dah kena BASUH...
I generally don't care if the party members have boyfiends/girlfriends, I don't care if he is but ugly or if his appearence is not neat, I don't care if his pointer doesn't reach the Deans' List (Please la.. nak compare physic students to Islamic studies students... that is so lame.* apologies to ppl who terasa*) What I want is for a student representative to actually FIGHT for the students right. I don't care for social functions that they could produce. I want someone to fight for my right to better bus service, better lecture halls, better computer labs, better library books collection, cheaper food and for better exam fees rate. Currently I pay RM 40 per unit. *BTW sorry to those in non-Gov Uni's*
So okey, the exam fees aren't too steep, but students have problems with accomodations. Currently there's a few college blocks that can accomodate aprox. 1000-1500 students and the building has been unfinished since 1 year before I joined UKM. It's still unfinished till now. What happened to the Student Union? Useless freaks. I honestly berdendam with all the student representatives. But as a recent study showed, people tend to move in a group like a herd of sheep.
When you suggest that people think, they say, "Have faith". When we suggest that its all in God's hands now, "They start thinking on how to change things." *sigh* I'm tired. I suggest we vote for the Aspirasi, the rebels of the UKM crowd! Yey...!!!! I wish people would not use God as an excuse. I wonder... isn't religion all about taking care of your goodness and it's to harm non? So why do we argue about who's who?
I gotta go back to dorm and read up on my journals. My proposal presentation is on Moday :) Later.....!
Love,
Julie.
(Sunday, December 15, 2002, Midnight)
Dear people,
It's been quite some time since I blog so there will be a few day's entry.
I might have mentioned it so some people that I have an outing planned with a bunch of UKM friends. It was a picnic. I was so pissed off that our previous outing always somehow go bust. So this time we had a holiday on the Monday, so we thought why not take off and go to the beach. So our plan was to go to Port Dickson, Negeri Sembilan on a Monday afternoon. Sun and beach sounds good you know. Except at 11pm on Saturday a friend came to my room and said, " Ju, I got a part time job in Rasa Gourmet and I need to start on Monday." As usual being the diplomatic person that I am, I merely said, "WHAT!!!!? Perempuan ini. Aku sepak karang ada yang terbang." She was so used to my outbursts that she merely said, "Kita gi esok boleh tak?"
All I said was, "ARGH......! Az, we gotta rearrange our plans." I guess some people are worth the trouble. Wanis is after all my shopping partner. You know, the type that I could drag to every shop to buy a blouse type. She does the same too:-) So at 11.00pm I called out car rental contact and asked her to call the rental and rearrange. Bad news, her grandfather passed away and she couldn't make it. What's worse was that she didn't have the number. "Ala, rumah dia dekat rumah aku je. "Luckily Az knew her housemate, another physic student, so we called her to find the house.
At 11.30pm we left our dorm to go to the car rental. Got there in 10 minutes and the car rental was closed. Like duh! We hurried to Shell since I needed petrol and we needed to pick up a few stuff. Got there bought 2 loves of bread, 2 large can of sardines, 3 large bottle of soft drink, and 3 Dunkin doughnuts for supper. I suddenly got addicted to Chups Chups the lemon flavor. I blame that on my nephew since I kidnapped his Chups Chups last weekend. I bought 3 of them.
Suddenly we remembered that we don't have onions. Being a student is no excuse for not making gourmet sanwich (sigh) So cheeky little me said, "Tengah malam buta nie mana ada pasar yang buka.Az, kau tanya la kawan hang. Tak kan kat rumah diorang takda bawang dgn limau?" So poor Az called her friend and we raided her pantry. Harhahahaha.... So we arrive back at the dorm at about 12.15am. I really didn't know what the Pak Guard thought of us with our midnight food shopping. So now to the next stage of planning.
We burst into the other friend (Naem) room to raid on plates, can opener, another person to join us and knives. Our first choice was Ana, a very sweet shy girl who is a Math student. But she already made plans. Damm.... So we had to bring Nieza (blagh!) Then we went up to my room to make sandwiches. We started chopping onions, mashing sardines and cutting it into neat triangles (okey so I insisted). The whole night long we joked over what would happen if we couldn't get a rental car. Az laughed, I suggested that we picnic at the Engineering Lake and Wanis laughingly told us to shut up. "Karang malaikat lalu kang."
Slept at 3am and alarm rang at 7.30am. Bang it shut and slept on after getting rid of Wanis who was checking up on me. At 8am, "Astaga, Jue, we need to get the car," nagged Wanis. I opened one eye and explained that, "Dah bangun dah, rehat mata je." Took a shower and rode Wanis's motorcycle to the car rental. Thankfully we got a blue Kancil. So we packed and left UKM at 10++am. We went to KL since I have a problem with my newly bought printer (its working now). Met my adorable brother who pouted when I forgot to bring the installer cd which was problematic. I was assured that it was an oxymoronic thing to do but what the hell. I'm being typical me. Talk a new cd out of the sales fellow. He's such a sweetheart. At 12pm left for P.D
Arrived to PD at 2ish pm. Found the perfect spot and set everthing up. We changed and jumped into the water. SEJUK. Pelik as hell. But the sun wasn't really shinning. Kinda mendung but it cleared up later. Rented 2 tyre tube, bought a ball and jumped the water again. This really weird guy tried to hit on all of us. Cute but we were not interested. I was too tired to bother. Sat in the tyre tube and daydreamed. *sigh* A perfect sanctuary far from the maddening crowd. Saw a few couples making out on/in their tyre tube. Man... Find a room will ya. Guess they were fulfilling some lurid fantasy. Mmmmmm.... Say Mazzie, can I borrow Farhan...? By the way, I thought of you Fabian and wished you were there, I thought 'Pooor.... Fabian. Working"
Left PD at 6ish pm and made our way to Seremban by the old road. No toll. Went to visit granny for a while. Then we were back on the road. I looked at the gas tank and pouted. "Hey, people. The there is still a lot of petrol. Lets have dinner in KL nak???" As predicted, "NAK!" We couldn't decide whether to go to Uptown or Bangsar. Finally Bangsar won. We met a Professor and he was cool about it. Although he did say, "Sakan korang."
We arrive home before the car turn into a pumpkin at about 11.45pm. We unloaded the stuff and quickly sent the car back. Over all it was a good day. I' m ashamed to say we screamed and played like an 8 year old kids. Imagine, we played who the monkey game in the water. I tried to send my poor friends off to the deeper end. Hahahaha! Evil. Poor kidz didn't know how to swim. I remembered floating and thinking life couldn't get any better than this. I guess I've always been a sea child.
Got to go. Later!!!
PS : My printer traveled all the way to PD. Cool.
(Tuesday, December 10, 2002, 09:04 a.m.)
Dear people,
UKM is deserted. *sob*sob* I came back to UKM in hope to kacau the lecturers and do my thing. You know the kajian ilmiah thing. By the way I'm doing a write up about a poor dead man called Cicero. He was alive during the Roman Republic right? I think, I hope. I think he's a Republican. Anyone with any knowladge about him, feel free to e-mail me the details, ideas or anything to help me write a 20 page report.
There's loads and loads of foood.... in my room. I feel lika a frog floating in a moonshine:-) Hani darling, UKM library now has a Nora Roberts collection. Yey! I was the first to pre-book (no puns intended) the novels. I was so excited that I double booked, I think. I don't know, just hand over those babies to Julie. Mine,,,,!!!! Hahahahah.
Oh, by the way, Nina, my f***ing A drive on my PC is busted. Setan betul la. Just as I downloaded some risque stuff from the net. I blame thee Nina for not giving me the address sooner. I think this A drive bust gona cost me some major bucks. Oh, beloved brother. Pet, me love, what is it going to cost me to get them fixed by this weekend at least. Can ya help. I ada banyak kerja wih the downloading of the kajian ilmiah stuff. I have 1 box of diskettes of stuff to download.
Yesterday, I tak ada diskettes, today my A drive jahanam. I tell ya, when orang bertaubat la everything falls apart. Mom,,,, Dad..... I wanna go home! Semua orang takda kat campus. Of course yesterday I assured my parents that I'd survive. Tapi BOSAN!!!! I can't do my thing for my kajian ilmiah with the A drive busted!
Oh, yeah, I bought 2 anime VCD yesterday. Sakura Card Captor and another unfamiliar title. I havent watched them yet since I was busy trying to fix the PC. Macam tikus dapat labu, lagi jahanam ada. Nina!!!!
Fabian, ur back yet or still in Penang? On the flight back could you kacau the air-steward for me and just so ppl don't think u a gay, kacau la the air-stewardess. Be a natural *growl* male. But you like my brother, Azmir all budak baik wan. Hey, Nina, if we ever fly together shall we kacau the air-stewards. You can chase the pretty boy type while just kacau for the sake of kacau. How's that?
Well I should go now. I have a few more files to download. Okey, I lied. I have berlambak lagi file nak download. So next time, ya! Later!
PS: Maz, dah mula kelas ke belum?
Love,
Julie
(Monday, December 9, 2002, 03:16 p.m.)
Dear people,
I'm a blog addict. I stayed away for as long as I could but damm if I don't miss blogging. Nina talked me into blogging. Me currently is in a very happy mood. Everybody loves me *hugs* Me love everybody. I decided to be HAPPY! Damm those who try to make me otherwise. Rahahahah! Tapi banyak kerja la.
I have tonnes and tonnes of report to write, journals to read and food to eat. I'm gonna grow fat:) I personally don't give a damm that I'm comfort eating. Let me be fat and happy. Okey so that's a gross overstatement. Tapi I refuse to feel guilty for eating.
I'm going back to campus this petang since I have to do alot of write-ups. For raya, I went to Maz's house on the first of raya and was entertained by 2 Abu Dhabi kidz. Munira's friends was a riot. She was so..... innocent when she's in public. She apologized several times when she said something suggestive. Let's not forget that cute little giggle that drives me mad.
I asked a few friends over on the second raya. Sun Chan, Tan, Maz, Moon and Nina turned up. Later San and Tan scared the whit out of me with their playfulness. Nina was right. WIND CHIMES!!!!
Well, gotta go. Parents calling. Later
(Tuesday, December 3, 2002, 02:10 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I think some people are right, my blogs are depressing. I think this will be the end of my blogs untill I become happy again. I need more time to concentrate on my studies. To all me bestest friends thanks for reading :-) To all the strangers reading this blog, 'What on earth are you doing here?"
By the way ppl, come over to my house on the first day of raya.
Thanks ppl for reading and hugs and kisses and see ya later!!!
(Tuesday, December 3, 2002, 01:59 p.m.)
Dearest ppl,
Today, I decide to take a different flavor. I decide to explain how it feels to be me. For as long as I remember I was so damm spoilt and wild. My motto has always been 'I will survive'. I'll survive this. I guess I took things for granted. As time pass by I was hurt badly by the one I trust. I realise now why I refuse to completely let anyone honestly be close to me. But then at form 4 my torment ended. Beautiful people like TJ, Maz, Nina, Jan, Yu San , Boon and the other YCCians came to my life. They taught me to trust again. I felt that I can reach out and not be betrayed. There is some truth in the words, " To love is to expose yourself to hurt and betrayal."
They help me learn to believe in my friends and to bend before I break. At this time I can honestly say that I am so close to breaking. But onc again I shall gather the pieces and go on with my life. I learn to trust my girlfriends and trust their judgment about men in their life. I meet honorable men, those who believe in responsibility. As times go by I learn to accept them as part our close knitted friendship circle. I do realise that by loving I feel their hurt and pain. I hate when they hate and I love what they love.
Recently I've been lectured about wallowing in my pain. In all honesty, I'm dealing with them the best way I could. I'm trying to get out of this mood. But what the hell, why not describe how I feel.
I feel striped of my dignity. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt and pain. And it shames me. I am ashamed to say that I cannot forgive nor can I forget. I'm ashamed that I am too weak to be a good Muslim and turn the other cheek. I apologise for all the trouble I've caused you people to be by my side when I'm down and out. I'm sorry that I cannot be strong. I'm sorry for falling apart. I'm sorry for being depressed. I'm f***ing sorry that my blogs has been too depressing for you people. I'm trying to handle this the best way I can.
I'm sorry for being insommnic. I'm sorry for skipping my classes. I'M SO DAMM SORRY THAT I NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I think people took it for granted that everyone else is as strong as themselves. Sometimes it takes time. It was just recently that my depression became a common news. I've been coping alone for the last 21 odd years, whats a few more. I think some of you really underestimate me.
If I've been a pain in the ***, I'm sorry. I guess I've been damm selfish needing constant support. I guess I really need to know if I matter. I guess it takes one to know one. Kudos to you strong people. I really admire you. But its harder to admit that you are weak. To gather all that you have and move forward.
I am not trying to justify my weaknesses but I asking for some understanding. Hani and TJ has always been my sounding board. They understand that ultimately I will do as I wish and to hell with the consequence. My blog is my daily diary. It helps me keep track of my life because 10 years down the road I would like to look back and say that I've had problems in my life but I overcame it. My blogs are not something you would read to laugh.
Honestly some of you really believe in the various masks I wear to face the world. My blog is the real me. I don't have to sugarcoat them at all. This blog is for ME. If I've insulted some of you people out there I apologise. But sometimes there are things I do for me instead of trying to please others. Accept me as i have accept you for who you are.
For many years I try to be a good listener to all my friends and family in hope that when its my turn to despair, to ask for help and to need a shoulder to cry on, I would be given the same privilage. I had hope by listening to other people's problems, that one day, they would take time to listen to me and be patient with me. Instead I got completely whacked. Thank you very much for your patience. I'm sorry that I tried your patience. And no, what I went through is nothing like what you went through in college with the bullies. I already went through that and let me say this, ' When they don't matter, you get over it.' As for childhood abuse, think about this, 'Had it not happen, you would have become just like your other brothers. Ain't they lucky.'
By the way, my live is not perfect but I have friends who really honestly love me. I know that despite everthing that happened my parents loves me. For that I'll be forever greatful to the Almighty. I've been blessed.
I thank all those who have stood with me through my tough time.
Hani, Fabian, TJ, Maz, Jan, Sunny, Tariq thank you for showing that you care.
All my love,
Julie
(Sunday, December 1, 2002, 09:06 p.m.)
To all the Muslims,
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
Dear people,
It's been quite some time since I blog properly. lately I either over sleep or am too busy playing catching up with my studies. Life generally sucks and most of the time I wish I don't have to wake up in the morning. I've been sleeping a lot and barely even bother to go to classes. The only thing is that I try to keep up to date with my tutorials and been trying to get out of the rut I seem to be in.
I guess my main problem is that I am way too busy feeling sorry for myself. I can't cry worth a damm any more. I can't seem to bring myself to feel anything worthwhile. I seek oblivion in sleep and am completely wrapped up in myself. Sometimes I stay up and refuse to go to sleep. I get dreams that I can't remember but scare the hell outta me.
I have an appointment coming up at UH this Wednesday but I can't seem to bring myself to go. TJ is in Japan and Hani is in NY so no one can smack me for playing truant. Can I seek oblivion in another way? By the way, again i've stopped my medication. Bad Julie! *smack*smack* I seem too lazy to make an effort.
My proposal for my Kajian Ilmiah is coming up and so is my report for sejarah dan falsafah. How fun:-) I don't even have the material yet. Smack me someone. Warhahahah! I am almost self destructing. I'm getting there soooon...
Well thats all I guess. Take care and be good ppl. Later my loves!!!!!
(Friday, November 29, 2002, 11:57 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I haven't blog for so.... long. Been busy keeping up with classes, tutorials and assignments. I went shopping for my nephew's baju raya, mom's handbag and considering a baju raya for my grandma. Not sure about her fav color though. I've been kinda insane lately. My lecturers has been very supportive and encouraging. As much as possible I keep track of my studies. Esok I got a quiz.
Today I had an 8am class but I woke up at 9am. I didn't sleep untill 5 am. Don't really know why. Luckily there was a second session at 10am. Currently I'm using the quick basic programming language to build major calculators for premiums and company cash flow. Blah... need to find more books.
Well other than that, I've been good, kinda. I skipped a 2 hour class. Luckily the lecturer usually read off her transparency. No big deal! Except for the face that I'm scared shitless by that lady.*sigh* Okey, I lied. This week I skipped countless of classes. 2 days ago I sleep at 2am and woke up at 4pm. Gosh... thats kinda long right?
I did the same quiz as Nina and the result is scary :
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Me... a slut?? You gotta be kidding. I'm an angel.*smirks* I am all that is sugar n spice n everything nice. What slut? Me goooood girl. Except when I think about whips n chains. Poor Jan got an earful about my S&M fantasy. I got Tariq, Farhan and Fabian in my sights as potential toy boy. Except Fabian might give his cute laugh and completely ruin the mood.
I have been meeting lecturers trying to get all my acts together. This time I got loads and loads of assignments, projects, tutorials and reports to write. Yey... other than that me been missing hanging out with Hani. Mazzie and Nina doesn't call. Evil witch!
Well gotta go. I'm being kicked out by lab assistants. Take care loves. Love, Julie
(Thursday, November 21, 2002, 08:40 p.m.)
Dear people,
I guess i've been an ass lately. I skipp classes, I ignore my studies and I sleep from 12 to 13 hours. Well I'll behave and tonight I picked up some books to save my soul. Today a friend approach me, "Dah hantar tutorial?" My answer was, "Kena hanta ye?" So tonight I'll not sleep and do all my tutorials.
Today I upended my pencil case on Lin's head during my Actuarial class. she deserved it since she stole my topic on kajian ilmiah. Right after I got all the refrences and datas. I forgot to time myself so En Malek caught my doing something unusual and he was totally puzzled by my behaviour.
He asked, "Juliana, berapakah amaun pendapatan yang dianggap miskin di Malaysia?" I smiled a really cheeky smile and answered, "Lima ratus?" Thankfully there was some people who agreed with me:-) The next question was whether the natural disaster is covered by the insurance. I answered, "Not unless you pay extra." Cheeky bugger.
After class I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. Why? I don't even know. I just feel soooooooo..... SAD! I woke up better though. I broke my fast and hurried to the library to chase after my books for this semester classes.
Thats all my loves, gotta go! The library staff is going to kick me out. Later!!!!!!
(Tuesday, November 20, 2002, 11:01 p.m.)
Dear people,
Today the whole Muslim 3rd year students went out to the Restoran Nelayan in Bangi for Buka Puasa. We were mildly deranged since we were so insistant on being the last group to leave. We invited our lecturers and tutors. The only people present was PM Malek, Dr Zaidi, Kak Ita and Kak Munira(no not Moon Baby). Well we weren't really keen but since it is our last semester, might as well. It seems I manage to create the Buka Puasa tradition since last year. How wonderful, I hope the juniors will do the same. It's wonderful to be with your mates once in a while to really get to know each other.
So we break our fast together and had steamboat for our buka puasa. I had a great time since we were together and everyone really let their hair down. Especially when the lecturer and tutors left at 8pm. Tarawih they said. I shifted to the guys tables since it's the only one not completely full of people. There were Surah, Miftahuljannah, Kak We, Kak Mary and the boys. The boys were kinda cool since some of them are real gentleman to the boot. Too bad the one I really like is completely taken:p *sigh* As Hani says, once they are well trained, they are no longer single, you got to....
We ate and ate and ate the prawn since it seems to be the table's fave food. The table next to us were full of kontrol ayu punya girls. The other one had girls who actually cleared the table then start again on the steamboat. I had thought that they were done so I quickly ran over to tell them to eat again. Alas I was told, "Eh, kita orang kemas meja nak mula semula."
Honestly the food sucks, the drinks were so 'sweet' we couldn't taste the sugar, and we had to do our absolusions (hope its the right spelling) with rain water. But what really matter is that we really talked to each other and we enjoyed ourselves despite that fact. Even the poor guy who doesn't eat seafood enjoyed himself. With loads and loads of chicken:-)
Thats all people ... later!!!
(Saturday, November 16, 2002, 04:02 a.m.)
Dear ppl,
I watched a midnight show of Harry Potter with my brother and Hani. It was great and I really enjoyed it. Next its time to blog since Hani is on the phone with Tariq. Gosh he has a sexy voice and I'd love to spank him. Too bad I don't like sharing:p
I sometimes wish I could go back to the time when I would love to wax lyrical about life and such. Now I just feel like a dried up prune. Life is dull and lifeless and the world sucks. I can no longer defend the world from my cynicsm. I am completely embroiled in them.
There are times I just wish I could freeze time and take that moment to rest my tired head and capture a moment of peace. Even in my sleep, rest completely eludes me. I wake up facing the next day with dread. Oh gosh, another day to slug through.
Lately my sleep has been somehow disturbed. I would fear sleep and dread is so much that I simply stay awake until I cannot keep my eyelids open anymore. Maybe subconciously I thought that by staying awake, I'd keep the new day from dawning. I remember a time long ago, when I used to wait for the sunrise before sleeping. Then I was afraid the darkness will never cease if I close my eye before daybreak. Now it's quite possible that I'm afraid to close my eye cause I knew that in sleep I'd be alone.
My father wanted me to wean myself off my medication. How can I tell them that I feel depressed even with my medication. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and there's no way out. Nobody could save me and I'm so tired of swimming in a storm tossed sea. Fabian has been such a sweetheart yby calling me quite so often even when I end up nagging him or asking the same old boring questins like "How was your day?"
Hani has been very supportive and patient with me. I just wish sometimes that I could just let go and just let all my emotions take over me. I really want to cry but there's no more left. Swear to God, I really tried. Which is why I moan things like "I'm tired" or "I'm worn out". Theraphy doen't help, talking doesn't help, crying doesn't help, sometimes I just wish for oblivion to escape from all this.
I wish I could up and disappear. Just leave for a while and come back when I'm ready. I could be just completely out of whack. Never mind, later loves.
(Friday, November 15, 2002, 03:44 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I realise now that I forgot to update u ppl about my interview. Heres what happened.
Panel : Who is your role model?
Me : (1 min of silence) My dad.
Panel : In your opinion, what is the current Malaysia economic condition and where is it heading?
Me : (Stunned silence) Thought about it and just crap my way through.
Panel : Is the Malaysian car industry a good economy indicator and why?
Me : (Huh?! silence) Thought about it and goreng my way through.
Not fair! My friend got simple questions like how to encourage Malay businessman to go global? Nevermind, I gotta go. Next time, darling.
(Friday, November 15, 2002, 03:20 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
Today I was required to attend a function specially created for the actuarial students in campus. It was a bomb. The lecturer asked for someone to act as student liason. The whole room was silent. Finally my lecturer decided to pick the poor candidates himself. Guess who is the 3rd year fool? ME.
It was actually a "lets see who are the hardworkers and give them a certificate" day for the program. There was around 20 people in my year who got them. Guess what, I was the same fool who was the bottom of the whole damm list. *sigh* I wish I have the smarts, this kidz are not human.
I think this sort of thing is done to encourage the students, especially the juniors, to work harder. It was nice to see my efforts paid off *sob*sob*.
Somehow in life, I really wonder what is the most important thing to us as a person. Is it dignity? Wealth? Power? Family? Happiness? But what does being happy signify? What is happy? Is it laughter? A smile? Giggles? Sometimes late at night, I ask myself these simple questions:
Who am I and what am I worth?
Why the hell am I doing this?
Is the result worth the pain?
If I'm doing the right thing, than why does it hurts so bad?
I don't even have the answers. Life is sometimes so ironic. I guess its true. Getting everything that you want somehow make you want more and leaves you unsatisfied.
Later my loves......
(Wednesday, November 13, 2002, 09:45 p.m.)
Dear people,
I have some good news. I was one of the few in my course invited to an interview. Its for a scholarship so I hope I will get it. I want someone to pay off my PTPTN loan. Pray for me since the interview is tommorow. Please cross your fingers and toes for me. Pray for me okey. I'm really hoping for this thing to come through for me.
Oh yeah, today I got so antsy waiting for the next class plus tommorow's interview that I went crazy! I started screaming " Will someone entertain me before I die of boredom!". Poor babies didn't know what to do. The next thing they know I was banging the table demanding to be entertained. Sheeesh!!!! I blame the whole episode on my medication.
I still haven't found the right stuff for my kajian ilmiah. I'm in panic and there's no way out. Save me!!!!
I gotta go before the librarian kick me out.
(Tuesday, November 12, 2002, 08:22 p.m.)
Dear ppl,
I'm in UKM which indirectly translates to hell. *sigh* People harrasing me to prepare my proposal for my undergrad thesis and it is such a pain. People around me has been very supportive, thankfully and I shall be damm busy researching for topics and materials.
TJ's gone to Japan *sob*sob* I want to follow:( Never mind maybe next time. I'm depressed again. I'm trying hard to behave but there are times when I feel really sad and I don't even know why. Truthfully my dumb classes are actually helping me to perk up.
Other than that Fabian was nice enough to call today. Somehoe he reads my mind sometimes. Poor baby working. I really miss everyone.
So how do you like my new web page? Thanks to NINA's superb design and work it doesn't look very boring anymore. Guess I have an interesting blogc now. Strange I'd rather have my blog in fall colors. Brown, yellow and gold with a tad green here and there. Anyway Thank You NINA:)
Gotta go, its back to the grindstone. Gotta find a topic:) Cherrio!!!
(Wednesday, November 6, 2002, 02:38 p.m.)
Dear people,
When I read Hani's blog or TJ's blog, somehow they always seem to pick the songs from somewhere so I wanna do the same thing. So I decided to choose a few of "ME" songs. This song just somehow reflect me:-)
Die another day -Written by Madonna
I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss, some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day, another day
I guess I'll die another day, another day
I guess I'll die another day, another day
I guess I'll die another day
Siegmund freud
Analyse this
Analyse this
Analyse this, this, this….
I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
For every sin, I'll have to pay
A time to work, a time to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go
I'm gonna avoid the cliché
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
(Laugh)
(Spoken)
I need to lay down
I guess I'll die another day! I guess I'll die another day! I guess I'll die another day! I guess I'll die another day! Another day! Another day! Another day! Another day! Another day! Another day! Another day!
Bottom line, I'm gonna die another day, okey.
The World is not Enough - Garbage
I know how to hurt and I know how to HEAL * I know what to show And what to conceal * I know when to talk And I know when to touch * No one ever died from wanting too much
The world is not enough.... But it is such a perfect place to start, my love * And if you're strong enough * Together we can take the world apart, my love
People like us * Know how to survive * There's no point in living, If you can't feel alive *
We know when to kiss And we know when to kill * If we can't have it all * Then nobody will....!
The world is not enough * But it is such a perfect place to start, my love * And if you're strong enough * Together we can take the world apart, my love *
I...I feel SAFE
I...I feel scared
I...I feel ready
And yet unprepared
The world is not enough * But it is such a perfect place to start, my love * And if you're strong enough * Together we can take the world apart, my love *
The world is not enough * The world is not enough * NO NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH * THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH *
Someone in the government keeps on stealing my medical files! I smell the beginnings of a new season of the "UH-files". Theme song being played. Opening scene, in the file room in University Hospital, a gloved hand lifted a document labeled confiential out of a drawer. Next scene, Two undercover uni students pretending to be nurses, search the entire room for the missing files.
Agent Sekali : Can you find it?? That darted file.
Agent Mul de : No, they have taken the new file too. I can't find it in under the Psyc. Dept.
Agent Sekali : How about the one under the Asthma Dept.? She's was treated there.
Agent Mul de : No, not here either.
Agent Sekali : The URT department? She was treated there eons ago?
Agent Mul de : Jeezz... not even a shadow of those bloody things. (Malay translation : Bayang pun tak nampak)
Together : This means there is a CONSPIRACY!!!!
Closing credits.
Smart ass : It means the hospital need a computer system to keep track of people they treat. Duh!
Audience : Shhhh...! Shut up. Moron.
So how was it? Do you think the Malaysian series producers will buy it?? I think I have too much time on my hands on the net and little to do :-)
(Wednesday, November 6, 2002, 01:05 p.m.)
Dear people,
I love everyone. I adore my lecturers in UKM. I adore UKM. I adore my parents, my best buddies, my brother Azmir, Mazlina's family and everything in this universe. Warhahahahahahahaah!!! Life is beautiful. I can smell the flowers and hear the fairy's music. Im completely incoherant with joy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I with a sigh of relief announce that my current result for my PNGS is 3.13 and my PNGK is 3.04. Hahahahahaha!!!! I didn't fail my finals. Thank you GOD! Thou art merciful.
To the people that don't know, I was suffering from 1001 kind of illness and depressions last semester. I was stuck with bitches for group projects that I was almost in tears over them. I am so..... greatful that I didn't flunk that I'd probably kiss a stranger.
Can you people see me dancing with joy yet??? My feet don't touch the ground. See no gravity can hold me down. wheeeeee..... I kiss the ground that my merciful lecturer walk on. I adore you people. What a wonderful way to celebrate the 1st of Ramadhan:)
(Wednesday, November 6, 2002, 09:30 a.m.)
Dear people,
Today is the 1st day of fasting. I'm depressed and wish people will just let me sleep and never wake up. My mom has been giving me a hard time and I'm damm tired of it. I'm too lazy to fight back so I listen and wished that I was dead. Very morbid of me.
I have a doctor's appointment and I'm delaying it as long as possible. I hate morons. I stop taking my medication for 10 days since I don't feel the difference when I'm taking it or not. I'm perhaps going into a depressed mode. TJ n Hani smacked me for not taking my medication. Thanks darling, its great to know that some one cares. Maz agreed that it was for the best. Thanks darling, its nice to have cheerleaders around you.
I think perhaps Baby Moon is inhuman. She giggles all the time. Its possible that she is as mad as I am. Nobody is that happy. I can hear her giggles in my head. Argh!!!! Baby Moon can you just once give me a normal stright face? *Sigh* I'm not lucid any more.
Did a quiz, guess what I got :-)
A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
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Which Shadow Raiders Character Are You?
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Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
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This is reallly funny.
Diagnosis:
I do not know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere around territory of modern Burma approximately on 850. Your profession was seaman, cook, carpenter.
Your brief psychological profile in that past life: Natural talent of psychologist, you knew how to use the opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.
Lesson, that your last past life brought to present: Your problem -- to learn determination and persistency. Every misfortune should crash upon your strong will.
(Monday, October 28, 2002, 11:00 p.m.)
It was a very beautiful morning when the phone rang. I cursed and bitched but since I was home alone I had to pick it up. Its a moral obligation thing.
Me : Hello.
Dad : Are you up yet?
Me : (Sigh) I am now. What's up?
Dad : I'm giving you a chance to drive my car today.
Me : (squeals) Really? That's so ultimate!
Dad : Be ready in 1 hour. We are going to pick up my bike in Tapah.
Me : Okey. You sure about this? I'd ride the bike if it makes you feel better?
Dad : Nice try, Lia. Next lifetime maybe.
So okey, what wrong with dreaming to ride my dad BMW S75 bike. It's red and fast. So I decided not to take my medication since I can't drive otherwise. We left KL at about 12 noonish and we were on the highway when dad parked and let me drive his beloved VOLVO. Warhahahahaha!!!! So happy.
On the way Fabian called since he got stuck some where after lunch caused by the rain. Poor baby. Dad was pouting since I was talking to a guy. *Sigh* Can't always please them all. On the drive back from Tapah, I was alone so there is less stress and all that.
I was overtaking a lorry when the damm lorry emergency braked infront of me. That god damm @#%@#^^$#^$#%%%?!!!! braked without a reason and if it was not for my instinct I'd be in a hospital right now. If my dad was not ahead of me on his bike, I'd stop and stuffed the lorry driver's head up his ass. Stupid %#@$^%%#$@*! So I was cursing the lorry driver for about 10 km before my next stop.
My dad agreed that driving a Volvo on a normal road will be difficult so we'd park on one of the nearest stop and get the car with my brother but he changed his mind. I took the exit to Rawang.
Waahhhhh!!!! The jam was my worst nightmare. I had to change lanes, jocky for positions with ass***** who don't know how to Q-up. I swear to God that Malaysian drivers and made on mostly bastards who are so god damm kiasu. And it just has to be today! My first day driving a Volvo. So I cursed and cursed. It took me 2 hours to get out of that freaking jam and the car died 7 times. That never happen to me before even when I was learning how to drive.
For people who never drove a Volvo, it's a good training car since you can't really speed unlike Japanese cars. It takes patience which I don't really have sometimes. Nevertheless my dad has given me a green light in case I want to borrow the car. *SIGH* I love my dad.
Thats all folks. G'night.
(Saturday, October 26, 2002, 11:30 p.m.)
Okey, so Nina called up Hani and asked her to go to a press thingi at 12S.I. yada,yada,yada. But Hani was at my house so Nina ended up asking me to tag along. So we went to 12SI and watched the interview with Model (beautiful chicks with friendly attitude that has me going "duh, what was that dude asking ha?? why the hell is her answer so pelik?") Enough said.
To all the males out there I read Loaded, an all male megazine, and really liked it. I bet if you picked up one you liked it too. Unless you are a very boring man with no sense of humor. Then I say stick to your Asiaweek and Forbes. No point wasting your nickle and dimes.
So bad little Julie has been out most of the night and so she decided to be good and ask dad what time to go home. Wish I didn't bother. I only get screamed at. No point at all. Which made me depressed. Other than that I really liked the whole lets tag along with Nina thing. Very nice. Thanks Nina and Night people:-)
(Thursday, October 24, 2002, 09:03 p.m.)
Well, today I realised that I actually can throw a hissy fit better that Mazzie. Janta can be the witness. I woke up feeling suuperb and decided not to take my medication. So I called up TJ. She was unavailable. Tried Hani and got her bitching. So I got off the phone and yelled that "Nobody LOVES ME!"
I stamp my foot felt sorry for myself. I called Jan and in such a sorry state that I was asked if she was busy. Luckily she was not and she called me back. Thanks Jan:-) I whine, bitch and talked about my S&M fantasies that will never be realised since its so XXXXX rated. Not that I can remember half of what I said.
Half way through I ate the pill hence the S&M fantasies. I was half out of my mind. For those who wonder what pill it was its just a happy pill prescribed by a doctor. Which really made me HAPPY!
Went to Mid's with dad and meet up with Hani. Then went shopping with Hani. Bought a pair of cool platfom shoes for clubbing. Tomorrow I'm going to wear them with Mazzie's birthday gift:-) Spent loads of money even when dad reminded me to be good and not over spent. Next I'm dragging Hani to my house and have loads of fun. No you dirty perverts, we are just watching MTV's and stuffing our faces. Later Loves:-)
(Wednesday, October 23, 2002, 08:56 a.m.)
Dear loves,
I haven't been blogging for quite some time. It would seem that I went in to seclusion. I've been off the net completely that I havent catch up with your daily life. Sorry love.
For the past weekend I've been in depression and I still fell depressed. No worries, I'm still trying to get over it. Thanks to Hani, TJ, Yu San, Jan, Tan dan Fabian for supporting me when I'm down. Thanks also to Wanis, Naemah and Ayu for running over to save me from myself. There is also Maz's parents and TJ grandma for splendid food and support. Did I leave anyone out??? Oh, yeah Farhan for the cake:-)
Currently I feel very sad and I sometimes cry at the drop of the hat. I need lots of hugs which people have been very generous with. I'm trying to live as normal as possible by going out hence the San Fran's hang out yesterday where I cried all over Jan, Maz and my brother (Not sure about Hani and Yu San though).
So I guess thats all from me. I'll see ya later darlings.
(Tuesday, October 15, 2002, 05:11 p.m.)
Okey, today is my bother Aiz day. I e-mailed him non-stop and after getting bored of disturbing that poor man, I decided to go to my usual book rental in Central Market.
As I was waiting for a bus as Indian man in a Proton Perdana made a U-turn and started this strange conversation :
Him : I know you from somewhere right?
Me : No, I never met you before, sorry. (Polite smile)
Him : You look very familiar...
Me : (saw my bus) No, excuse me my bus was here. (lifted my hand to hail the bus. (It didn't stop. The damm driver thought I was with the guy with the car.)
Him : Hey, I made you miss your bus. Where are you going?
Me : *Sigh* To the LRT.
Him : I'd take you there.
Me : Huh??!!! No thanks (polite smile) I'll wait for the bus.
Him : No, really, I'd drive you there. I feel bad making you miss your bus.
Me : Mmmmm.....( I do know some karate.... If necessary I could take this guy out and steal his car.) Okey sure. (I got into the car and he drove on)
Him : So where are you going?
Me : Central Market. I work near there in a law office.
Him : Really..? (Proceeded to make small talk)
Me : (Polite sentences and mumbles)
Him : Tell you what lets go for a short drink.
Me : I can't, I got an appointment at 2pm. (Glanced at my watch *shit* It's barely 1pm.
Him : I'd send you to your office afterwards.
Me : *Sigh* Sure.
So we went to a mamak stall had a teh tarik as he yakked my ear off. Swear to god I should have slapped myself silly for doing something so stupid. Hani would have killed me. Later he sent me right to my old internship office.
Him : So do you have a number?
Me : I suppose so.
Him : Suppose so huh? Never mind you got my number. Call me if you have more free time.
Me : (Polite smile) Yeah, sure. (Try like NEVER!!!)
Then I proceed to run all the way to my old office and went and told the whole thing to Poo Li. She scolded me for doing something stupid which was the bane of all things stupid. Later went to Mid's with dad. Didn't dare to breath a word to him. He'll kill me then put me under house arrest. *Sigh* What a tiring day.
Lots of Love
Julie
(Tuesday, October 15, 2002, 09:59 a.m.)
To my friends,
Well, this is my FIRST entry so lets see,
I'm Juliana Ismail, currently an Actuarial Science student in the National University of Malaysia in my 3rd year. I enjoy reading, going out and hanging out at San Fran's with a bunch of friends.
The reason I choose to blog is so that I can gripe and nag people who, to my point of view, did me wrong. To all the readers, have patience and enjoy the bits and juicy gossip. If you get lost among the innuendos please refer to any YCCians or try asking.
Today is not too eventful. Its still early so I'll update later:-)
