Hah, I am back on my feet. Had a meeting this morning with the alumni dinner organizer. I have a lot of stuff to do. Call hotels and make deals. Don't you just love it? I just love to arrange functions. Finding the place, choosing the menu and having someone else pay for it. Delicious. Simply wonderful.
I have a huge distraction now, yey!
Love,
Julie.
I’m still hurting. Some of my closest friends had told me to move on. Even my brother told me so. So I gave in. The hardest part about being wise is when your impractical heart refuses wisdom. Tormented, I am tormented anew. And its all my own doing. I knew the price and foolishly I took a chance. Now I stand alone with my despair. Wondering, what is wrong with me? To need so desperately.
As December was a very quiet month for me, I struggled to keep myself occupied. Only to be ambushed with one SMS. Desperate for a diversion, I jumped feet first into my faculty alumni committee, assisting my juniors to arrange for an annual dinner. Then I looked at the papers that I needed to take in April and decided to find the books and study them. I also enrolled in a difficult class to keep my mind occupied. I saw my workmates looking at me in a strange manner as I immerse myself in server maintenance and troubleshooting.
But as usual, the constant pain that I feel will not subside. The last time it took me 4+ months to bury it deep enough not to have it hurt all the time. Wait, more like 4+ months and 2 male friends. But now I feel the pain so deeply that it sized my throat and squeezed the breath out of me. As a friend said, “Drama siut.” I’m sure 5 years from now, I’ll look back and laugh at my youthful foolishness. I just wish that I could laugh now. I wish I can look at myself and laughed at my foolishness. Then why does this heart want to cry?
I’m staying away from my friends for now. I need a moment to gather my equilibrium. A moment to take a deep breath and will this hurt away. I need to sleep to catch up with all that late night pacing. Sleep... Sweet oblivion... Tomorrow the sun will rise and the darkness will fade away.
Love,
Julie
So many things to say yet so little time. I've been on leave for the past 2 days. I took that time to pause and reflect. With my hands shoved into the pocket of my jeans, I stared and the sunny blue sky wandering about things. My life in general, career and personal growth over the years. I pondered over the things that I want to do in the future.
Life, oh life
Nani mo iwanai de mo konna kimochi ga
Kimi no mune ni tsutawareba ii no ni
Although it'd be good if these feelings found their way into your heart without me needing to speak a word ~ Sore ga, Ai Deshou (FMP)
Things has been hectic lately. I had kept in contact with the people from my past. Some stir quite a violent emotional reaction. It ranged from hope and joy to pain and despair. Maybe I have to blog about it before I can get over it. But not now, the feeling is still to close to the surface.
I met a friend yesterday. Remember the girl who got married in June? Well, she's almost 4 months pregnant now. When I saw her, my heart leapt in fright. O.M.G. That could be me someday. And she is so.... young. Okay, I am somewhat dilusional when it comes to personal relationships. I find myself to childish to be a wife or a mother. I mean, do your mom play PC games? Mine sure as heck didn't. Plus, I suck at cooking traditional Malay food. What if the in-laws drop by?? Argh.......!!!!
Yet, luckily when I confided in a close friend who is getting engaged next year, she did sooth my ruffled feathers. She admitted that the thought of marrying isn't as easy. But she was willing to try because the rewards that came with the whole thing was worth every effort.
When put that way, I realise that I was looking at the whole marriage thing from the wrong dimension. It is a gamble but with the right man, the rewards is worth all the pain. That calmed my heart and helps me stop running away from relationships.
Madly in love
There was one person that I had 'loved' and continously 'love' over the years. Maybe its the mythical first love. The fabled, one true love never forgotten. I am very foolish in my loving. I want to give the one I love everything that his heart desires. Somehow in a sick way, pleasing him, pleases me. That hasn't change in the least. Despite the years that has goneby. The long standing romance that never happened.
Even as I meet other men in my life. As I learn the lessons in love from the men that comes and goes. Occasionally the heart aches. At one time, non of my closest friends dared to mention his name. My eyes would turn blank and I'd changed the topic. And later in the night, my heart would feel the ache of wanting but knowing that it was not to be.
Jibun no subete wo yuruseru kurai ni
Yasashiku naritai
Kimi no tame ni~Tomorrow (FMP)
Then suddenly he appeared in my life again. Suddenly, it's like he never left. The same feeling overwhelms me. But he's different now. His eyes always on the horizon, the emptiness in his eyes despite his smile worries me. I can see the hurt that I can't heal. Rarely does his smiles reaches his dark eyes. My heart hurt for him, witnessing his sorrows.
After the last meeting I wanted to tell him, "I'm sorry but I never want to see you again. Because watching you in pain hurts me. Seeing that I'm helpless to help hurts me more. I worry myself to tears and later feel stupid about it. These feelings that I get when we meet is not healthy. It's insane. I want out. Either put up or leave for good." But I know that if I did, I'd just confuse him further. I hate love. It brings me such pain.
In the end something has to give. I have to either say it or shut up. I have to go.
Love,
Julie.
I'd like to end this. Close this blog. In fact, I've tried to many, many times. But everytime I do, something interesting happens and I'd just have to share. It's like a bad habit I don't indulge in except when I vow to never do it again. Did I confuse you? Well I'm just as confused myself. Lets begin shall we??
Growing up
Growing up, in Cinnamon Street, Everywhere you look, there's a lot of people to meet...
I find growing up very difficult. Childhood friends consists of friends from the same school. I learned that friendship is not about having the same interest only but sharing some sort of bond. A bond that sometimes defeats logic. (Sorry, my brains has gone on a holiday and words seems to hide from my searching mind. If you don't understand the context, look it up.)
Lately, I've been bombarded with 'grown up' words like 'engagement', 'weddings' and 'childbirth'. For an immature adults like myself, I find those words to be terrifying. Its like, being forced to look into the corners of an old haunted house, looking for ghost. Although logically I know ghost don't exist per say, but the fear remains as I examine the dark forbidding rooms one by one.
My fear stems from my upbringing. Everywhere I turn, those words reminds me of one main thing, responsibility. It's one thing to give me a responsibility that I know I can handle, like work, its another when you talk about significant others and what comes after it. So yeah, while I don't mind dating casually, when there's a hint of more, I'd back up slowly and RUN.........!
Yes, logically, marriage and children is a natural progression in life. But emotionally? Hah! I drive myself crazy with the what ifs. Secure professionally, personally, my life is somewhat a mess in that department. I am mature when it comes to work but when it comes to things like romance, I regress to an immature 14 year old. And if I could just ignore it, things would be great. No, my need to improve myself drives me nuts when it reminds me that I need to grow. Argh!!!!!
Pink is my favorite color
Yes, that is the truth. I had my bedroom walls painted baby pink when I was 6 or 7 years old. My love for that color hasn't change. I only added green, yellow and orange in to my favorite color collection later when I was older. But my love for baby pink remains unchanged. I was more comfortable with green, yellow and orange when I was a tenderfoot, unsure of myself as a person and a girl.
I was afraid that by loving pink that I'd be a spineles wuss that bends to everyone's will. Or if it will make me a girl whom no men will respect as their equal. So, I hide my love for pink for a long, long time. Instead I became a kick @$$ that I am today. I stand toe to toe with any men when needs be. And now with such a strong aura of authority, how can I not enjoy pink? It makes me look proper and lady like. It hides my sharp mind and strong will. My cheerful voice hides the spine of steel. I now enjoy the water (ablility to change to adapt) side of my personality. Blending into my environment.
*sigh* I love pink. Soft baby pink.
GTG. Need to chase after work.
Love,
Julie
(In Napoli where love is king
When boy meets girl here's what they say) When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing "Vita bella" Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool That's amore When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet You're in love When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not Dreaming signore Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli That's amore (When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing "Vita bella" Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool) That's amore (When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet You're in love When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not Dreaming signore Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli) That's amore Lucky fella When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool) That's amore (When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet You're in love When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not Dreaming signore Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli) That's amore, (amore) That's amore |
Do you realize that in life we often search for perfection? Sure we wouldn’t admit it. No, we are not looking for perfect, only better, faster, prettier always discontented with what we have. And in this search for perfection, often we overlook what precious treasures we have in life. Ah, if only it was that easy to identify and than remove this flaw. But is it really a flaw? If human weren’t always looking for more, would we have what we have today. The key to ambition is to let you control it not the other way around.
Could we really temper our need for more? Greed sounds so filthy, yes? A more politically correct term would be ambitious. Humans, with the exceptions of few who renounce worldly goods, are programmed by nature to always seek for more. Why settle for one cake when you can have two. Why settle for one million dollars when you can have several million.
Sometimes when you stop for a while and look around, you’d see the endless chase of more and more. But to what end? You can only eat so much. Oh, yes, I have forgotten my close friend, ego. Yes, E.G.O. Don’t lie, we all have them. It the thing that drives us to talk more, write more, produce more. It’s the demon that drives us to work harder, faster and better then the other guy/gal.
It makes us feel good when we have a one up on the other person. Let it be a friend, for or family. There seem to be an inherent need to be better or to own more then the next person. People that exists in our orbit. The ultimate competition when we tend to rank ourselves by money, status or power. Ironic, but that’s reality.
I remember the first brush of competition in my life. Remember the time when you talk about school grades while loitering around during recess in high school. Yeah, I remember those. I remember carelessly tossing my lousy grades around. I never minded that there are people better then myself. What I minded was when people acted and treated me like I was a dolt.
The funny thing was that I never was a dolt. I may play the role of a dolt well, but I never was. I remember every condescending nod and speech. What amuses me was when these smart people start talking like a pompous a$$es. You know the type that likes to talk intelligently really loudly. The one that feels the need to impress everyone in hearing range with their wit and intellect.
Thankfully, my parents trained that out of me really early in life. Father would quietly remind me that the rest of the world didn’t want to know what I had to vocalized. He would remind me that any person worth his or her salt would respect everyone’s ears as not to bellow their thoughts to all sundry. An empty can rattles and makes the most noise.
All those warnings might silent me but I still had the tendency to argue everything to death. Up to a point where it upsets me. Then father quietly reminded me that each individual has to discover and come to their knowledge in their own time and pace. I cannot force my idea or opinion upon anyone. I can share them. What happens to the shared information afterwards is non of my business. That shuts me up in a hurry.
In the beginning I felt the need to save everyone. I need to enlighten everyone. Now, I share with those who wants to know. A bit sad but that’s reality. To butt heads with those who doesn’t want to know is somewhat pointless. A mind closed to possibilities is a lost cause. I’d know because I can be one sometimes, make that all the time. People find me difficult to move. I like concept, ideas but they need to be based on reality. Otherwise, my mind would be too busy shooting holes in to them to even remember them properly.
E.G.O.
I’ve been sick for the past 2 weeks. So I’ve been inactive online for the past 2 weeks. I haven’t been reading Warblogging and as far as commenting goes, I gave that up already. I don’t fancy the latest commenters and as a result I keep my peace. Remember my lack of ambition to argue with a wall. Well, I practice that online and in real life.
I got quite sick of people who apply double standards on others. It’s sickening. It’s worse when their only justification is skin color. I might as well stop, while my temper is still somewhat restful.
I’m tired. Sleep calls. Later.
Love,
Julie
