Hi! It has been a long day of ppl chasing, report writing and meeting attending. I am TIRED. A long distance friend wished me a good weekend. I am too tired this weekend to rise hell. How boring, another weekend of resting to recover for another hectic week. And yes, I do expect another hectic week next week.
I've been trying to write about something for quite some time. And too bad, today I am too tired. Maybe later.
Love,
Julie
Isn't the title of this entry so dramatic. Well, it was brought about by Josh Groban music CD, Closer so don't blame me. Well..., I have nothing to confess. I haven't done anything, literally. I wake up, go to work, come home and go to sleep. So there's nothing to feel guilty about..., technically. Except for this little thing, I feel so decadent that I don't want to go out. By going out I mean shopping, hanging out or in other words literally not leaving the house.
I suppose if I could work from home, I'd be the happiest human being in the world. For a long time I've wondered if there's any particular reason why I hate going out so much. Is it the people? The atmosphere? The place? The air? The weather? It mildly occured to me that leaving the house means leaving comfort zone. It also crossed my mind that I spend way too little time at home as it is.
I spend averagely 3 waking hours at home during weekdays. That makes me resent having to go out during weekends for social obligations or to meet friends. I have my pc games waiting for me, my chores, I need to arrange my books and I need to just sit down and unwind. Time, I need more time. I fairly amazes me how time flys.
I have arranged something this weekend. On one hand I feel like excusing myself and not go. On the other hand I really want to go out, hangout with friends while we drink coffee and discuss philosophy or just talk. That's it, just talk. I really miss talking to my friends. Back then in college, surrounded by friends at any one time had spoiled me. I am a highly social person, except during my down time. And yes, I am very good at scheduling my down time amongst friends. I do it by relaxing when my friends are busy with lectures. Thankfully, we were of different courses.
Looking back I wondered what about our common interest. We were interested in..., becoming the best student that we can be....? Ewwww, that sounds so... pompous. Belagak siut! Nah, we were the loner. That I notice. Except for Geena, the rest of the geng was loner in our courses. We are friendly to our coursemates, yes but there's just something that makes us happier alone. We walk our solitary path everyday knowing that at night, the party begins.
We will gather in someone's room (mine usually, hehehehe) and catch up on each other's news. About boys, lecturers and wild passing gossip/scandals. We talk about assignments and group mates (that is usually never complimentary). We laughed at each other experiences, jokes and stories. We commiserate about each other's misery. We took care of each other.
I miss days were we could gather and talk. We rarely meet during the day, that is true. But at night, the coffee party just starts. It was tradition. Once the water is boiled and the delicious scent of coffee permeate the air, the stories starts and lasts till the wee hours of the morning. Tomorrow is just another day.
What a lovely memory. I've got to go! Later!!!
Love,
Julie
It wasn't till a friend asked me that I realised that I have to come to a decision. About blogging that is. Truth to be told, I have learned to internalize my thoughts. And once again rebuilt my walls of privercy. I had started a blog because back then I had a need to say things, to express myself and to air my thoughts. I was careful enough not to name names in hopes that if ever in the future I have kids and they stumble upon my blog, then they will not read anything that they would be ashamed of their old mum. So far, the things that I write were merely reflections of my thoughts.
The thoughts that no longer run rampant in my mind. Okay, they do run rampant but there's no need for anyone to know about it. It's personal. I no longer need to find friend of the same wavelength. I have a lot of close friends and I realise the the bond that hold us, undefined as it is, was never our similarities per say. We all have our unique personalities.
I've also learned not to let the arrows that ppl sling at me hurt me. I no longer look for approval, now I've reached the stage where I can say, "Whatever." and mean it. My friends no longer define who I am. Ah, the pain of self acceptence has finally paid off. I no longer have the need to be beautiful in any commerical sense. I am beautiful, in my own special way. I am smart, not brilliant by anyone's standards. I am cheerful, 80% of the time (not like in need to be happy all the time, that sounds to crazy to be believeable, unless ur in denial that is. Mwahahaha...)
After all those bumps and bruises that I collected to reach where I am today, I'd like to think that it's worth it. If I had to do it all over again, I'd begged God to spare me. All those years of bleeding inside. Always so angry and guilty for feeling angry. I'd like to think that I've grown up. I hope I've grown up.
As far as romances goes...hehehehehe.... Ah.., hope springs eternal. Love is an intriguing emotions but I have a feeling that I've yet reached a point where I can completely let someone really know me. The real me without games or masks. I continue this facade of who I am, to hide away and keep my heart safe. If the right person comes along, maybe I'll feel secure enough to free myself from these chains. Sometimes even as the chains are cold and heavy, it has a familiar comforts. If you look deep into yourself, I'm sure you too have carried some familiar comfortable burden. I digress.
Well, I have to go. Later, perhaps..
Love,
Julie
