Julie's Gripe Page

What is pre-marital sex
Pre-marital sex is when you have sexual relations with someone out of marital bonds (before marriage). That means having sex while you are single, coupled and engaged with your significant other (or not). Being engaged is not the same as being married. You have not said your vows. Both of you still can walk away from each other. You are free of any legal responsibilty towards each other. We are not talking about "nikah gantung" which is the vow ceremony before the reception on a later date.

Why are we discussing pre-marital sex?
Believe it or not, in our quite and pious society, there are Muslims which practices pre-marital sex. This however does not condone the action. Islam has strict rules about pre-marital sex. Its one of the serious sins a muslim can commit.

However, I am more concerned with the women that gets involved in pre-marital sex. NOT because I am being a religious or moral police, but because the action can cause a serious implication in the future. I believe that everyone should have the right to choose their future. However, I want to remind girls about the implication of pre-marital sex in a Malay/Muslim community. From this point henceforth, the term PMS shall be used to indicate pre-marital sex.

I don't really care if you want to have PMS. If you both have thought about it. If you had thought of all the implication of having PMS. If you had thought of the outcome of the action. I have had several friends trapped in a misrable relationships because of pre-marital sex. So all you girls out there, before embarking into choice of sexual freedom, think about this.

Why are do you want to have sex?
Do you really want to have sex? Or are you being pressured into it? I am not talking about outright pressure, "I want sex or I'm dumping you." No, I am talking about "We've been together for eons, don't you want me?" Subtle, but the pressure is there.

I mean, its nice when you can say honestly "Oh, I want to jump his bones, he is so damn sexy!" but more often then not, girls are pressured into sex, directly or indirectly. Indirect pressure is harder to resist. More often then not, you tend to say "Maybe" as oppose to outright "NO!" If you really want to have sex, then you have to consciously choose to, not talked into.

In life, anything can happen. Things changes. Ppl change. Season change. Personality change. Politics change. Literally anything can happen. You might be in a relationship today and not tomorrow. The question is

Would you be able to live with yourself, if you had PMS and the relationship crumbled?

Can you walk away from it if your loved one suddenly become a complete stranger overnight?

But we have such a strong relationship!
That is true, but how do you know that he will not change forever? Things happens. You could be transfered to another state, he could be transfered elsewhere. You might meet someone else who fulfills your needs. He might decide to pick up bad habits that you cannot live with.

But even married ppl don't have such assurance!!
Yes, that indeed is true. But you are protected by the bonds of marriage. Ppl who gets married are suppose to have sex. If they don't then they have solid grounds for a divorce petition in Syariah courts.

You, however are not suppose to. Your society says that you are suppose to be a virgin. Your religion says so too. So doed the man who marries you (your bf or not). Seriously think about it. What will your bf say if you suddenly told him that you have had pre-marital sex before? Will he change his mind about you? Will it matter to him? Will he still marry you?

I am not trying to say that you should not have sexual freedom. I want you to realise the implication of what you will be embarking into. I am not against pre-marital sex. We are all equally educated in what society expects and what the religious laws are. It't not my place to force into refraining. What I want is for a girl to make a clear decision base on all the facts available to her.

Ask yourself some really hard questions before deciding to have PMS.

Why am I doing this?
Am I doing this to please my significant other?
What will happen if I got pregnant?
Will my significant other be there for me? or will he turn his tail and run?
Am I ready to make this decision?
Am I doing this against my principles? better judgement?
What will happen if my relationship ends?
Will I be able to walk away from him if he changed for the worse, if we had PMS?
Do I believe that only married ppl should have sex?

The final question plays a huge role in your life. If you think that only married ppl should have sex the STOP! Don't have pre-marital sex.

But we are engaged!!"
Yeah and your beliefs says that you have to be MARRIED You've been brought up thinking that married ppl have sex. That sex equates to marriage or vice versa. If you get engaged at 8 am and married by 10 am on the same day, then by any means, carry on (Although it will be hard to be alone for 2 hours during the whole bruahaha).

But if you are going to be engaged for months or even years, then please don't. Anything can happen btw the time of engagement and wedding. Your fiance might discover his soulmate a couple of months after getting engaged. You might discover that he likes both males and females (bi-sexual) and that repels you.

I've known girls who comes crying to me saying that their significant other acting like such @#*$%^ or that he has changed into a @#$%^&. I know girls to wear bruises that they get from their significant other. (No, not the kinky kind :P ) When I asked them "Why can't you leave that @#$%^?" They give the mysterious "You don't understand my circumstances."

*snorts* Yeah, that is why you come to me.

I understand it very well. What bothers me is that why you never asked for my advice before doing something so serious like this? Probably because part of you knew what I will say. Part of you know that I will ask you hard questions. You want to avoid thinking too deeply about the consequences of PMS. Sure, I will not pull the religious police lecture. No, that could be easily sidestepped. Its the other hard questions that you don't want to face.

I don't judge ppl over their preferences. Do what you like, just don't hurt ppl. Most importantly, when you make a decision, make sure it doesn't hurt you. The numbro uno.

If you really want to have PMS, at least make an educated choice. Not an emotional one. Think about the implication of PMS to you. What are the pro's and con's? Why you want to have PMS?

For God's sakes, stop screwing up your life, literally. If you cannot walk away from that person after PMS, then don't have PMS! Staying in an abusive relationship because of PMS is horrible. It can be either physicaally or mentally abusive. Both will ruin your life. If you make one mistake, don't compound it with another

Think about your future, 10 -15 years down the road. Think about your future children. Think of what kind of life you will be bringing them into. What kind of family.

*sighs*

I hate getting emotionally involved but I am a friend. I will stand by them through thick or thin. But its so hard to watch, so painful that it hurts my soul.