I really wanted to blog yesterday. But the internet access was blocked by my boss. What is wrong with that man? Of course, we were using internet the whole time. And we had free hand at our work place. We have the privilage of arranging our schedule as long as the work is handed in on time. Which sometimes means that we stop for a few minutes to check mails, surf net, etc or worse play games. After being caught, my boss said, "Hahahaha, caught ya." And the matter ends there. Hmm.... we are spoilt and when we couldn't access the net yesterday, some threatend to quit. Illogical? Maybe, that what happens when you take away the source of sanity in this number crunching world.
Lately, for the past 1+ weeks I've been working late to finish my projects before my 1 week leave. Why did I think that I could just up and leave for 1 week? Even as my boss agreed to stop giving new assignment as per agreement, I am still working overtime to finish the current on going projects. What does that mean? It means that I have way to many on going projects. I need to clear up all the reports that my boss needs before I leave. More hours in the office and less hour of rest. Right now, I really yearn for a good night sleep.
Which brings to my next subject, holiday. I am going for a holiday for 1 whole week. Away from beloved Malaysia. You know I should really be excited about this. Right now, I am as excited about going as I am for a dentist appointment (no offence Maz). I guess I am too tired to be excited. Sleep.....
Well, while I'm moping about everything in general, I might as well bring up my favorite topic. Iraq. Or what's left of Iraq after it was 'liberated'. Woo hoo. Life sure is so much better after the 'help' that the Iraqis got from the Coalition. The have a lot of civilian death, their hospitals are lacking of medicine, there's no law and order at all, and the best part is that you 'libertors' are now shooting you into submission. Better than Saddam indeed.
I know some who are sick and tired of this topic. Well, so am I. But even as I sit in this comfortable air-conditioned office, there are people in Iraq who is bleeding and dying. As I finish my morning coca, I know that there are people who feels the sharp pangs of hunger. When I thought of the next thing to worry about, someone else is worried about where the next bullet in coming from. I understand that we all have our own lives but why not spare some time to thing about the suffering of others and learn to be grateful.
Then again, maybe I have no life (as someone accused me of). If the fact that I am not interested in entertainment in an obsesive way means that I have no life then, I will just have to agree, I indeed have no life. I come home from work tired and rarely have time to entertain myself. I read. It relaxes me and maybe, just maybe, it opens my mind. The irony of this situation never escapes me. For a person who hates to read newspaper, I have been reformed indeed.
I have to go. Work calls and I have to do some troubleshooting this morning. Typical *shrugs*.
Love,
Julie.
Have you ever been manipulated by someone you love? I have, and the stupid part is that I didn't realise it until later. Much later. It hurts and it makes me feel really stupid. The thing I hate most in life is being made a fool off. That exactly what I am now. A fool who allows herself be manipulated by her love. Idiot! Why can't I learn the lesson that is being taught again and again. I cannot let those who I love manipulate me.
Now, there's only bitterness. Not unlike the taste of coffee that's on the coffemaker overly long. I feel anger that I cannot express due to the fact that I don't want it to be the last straw on the camel's back. I know if I voice it out, this time it will be over. For good. Then again, I ask myself, again and again, what on earth am I trying to save anyway?
I have to move on. Leave memories where it's best kept, in a chest of other memories that I will open and look into, every once in a while. I hate myself for being a fool. A love fool perhaps. Maybe I am too loyal for no good reason. I believe that it's time to move on. I shall not be a begger in my own life, my little corner in this big world. I shall not be taken for granted again.
As usual Papa is right. I indeed was being foolish. I guess I had to learn it the hard way. I am after all stubborn as hell. No matter how many philosophy books that I read, I can't seem to get rid of my stubborness. Well, we all have our vices.
What rankles me is that I can't seem to accept that I've been made a fool off. I can't just shrug my shoulders and accept is as what it is, a mistake. I don't have to be perfect. I should be able to make mistakes, yes? But, somehow, I feel really stupid. When I feel stupid, I feel angry. Now I am angry at the person(s) who pushed me into this mess.
I hate for the fact that I allow people to put guilt trips on me. I know logically that I shouldn't have felt guilty. But I felt guilty anyway. Now, I find myself in a mess and the thing I hate most is cleaning up a mess. Ah, what tangle web we weave, when we practice to decieve.
Now, I feel niggling pain in my heart. I guess this is just another life's little lesson. Maybe I can or am suppose to learn something from this. Getting angry isn't going to solve this isn't it? I have to learn to accept my mistakes. God, I hate being so arrogant. Now, I am the fool, the court jester, flailing on the strings.
I hate love. I really do. I think, for now, I am going to give it up. I guess it's true then. When someone hurts the softer side of me, it hardens my shield. Soon, it'll become a fortress and I will be forever out of reach. Dramatic? You think? We'll wouldn't we?
Love
Julie
The situation it Iraq worsens. Innocent civilians becomes pawns in power struggle between the Coalition and the Iraqis. As I read blogs of Iraqis and documentation of what happened, I wondered, how the hell do you stop the situation from worsening.
One of the Iraqis blogger said that he was glad that the Coalition came and 'saved' him from Saddam. When in fact they only saved him from having to hide from Saddam. Good? Maybe, if you don't mind ppl who wishes to run/skip from compulsory military training. Although, I wonder, what is so special about this blogger, that he should be excluded I wonder.
I also wonder why don't the Coalition do what the British does when the Malaya asked for its independance. Tell them to create a proper binding agreement between all the different groups of Iraqis so that they do not decend into Arnachy (which was used as an excuse) once the Coalition forces leave. Oh, wait... then they are no longer bidable puppets.
What rankles me most is that when people don't realise that the mass grave that was found in Iraq was in fact there pre-Gulf war. When good ole America was best of buds with Saddam. Heh, thanks America, you have created a monster. But what is one monster in Iraq when they have created so many more around the world. The mind boggles.
Last night, I watched Nightline(?) on BBC. Once jurnalist from India called and asked the former British ambassidor(sp) to Iraq. How on earth does the Coalition expect to hand over the rein to the Iraqis Governing Council when the people of Iraq (the commoners, not middle upper class enchalon) in fact despise them. Everyone knows that they are merely American puppets.
If you argue otherwise then tell me. Were they there to suffer under the Saddan reign with the rest of the common people? No they were sitting free and easy somewhere overseas. Okay, maybe they fled for their life, I don't blame them, I'd do the same. But now that they are back, WTF have they done for the people.
I ask them, "What have you done to stop this fight between the Coalition and the Iraqis reballion?" Can you reach out to the people and make them stop? Do they respect your authority as a leader who will indeed defent them/their rights? When the Coalition troops, bombed the mosque killing innocent civilians, did you protest? No, you kept silent and in silence you signify your agreement with the occupiers. After all if you do protest the killing of your people they might kick you out of the Governing Council. I have no respect at all for you boot lickers.
It pains me when the people's representative in no longer that. Politics is no longer a means to an end but becomes an end in itself. Politicans no longer fight for the people they represent but are merely there as a figure head with power that has the posibility of being abused.
One thing it right though, I have no idea what is going in Iraq, before the US of A rushed in to topple Saddam. What I do know is that their life is worse off now. Especially, for the common man/woman/child. I wish for a peaceful solution. I hope something will happen to change this path of destruction.
Love,
Julie.
