Last night I was quitely tucking myself into bed when a curious sound broke the silence. It was the sound of frogs serenading outside as it rains. As I pulled my blanket over my shoulders, I smiled, remembering many years ago of nights such as this spent babysitting cousins. I closed my eyes and listened to the pattering rain on the rooftops. I remembered my tall tales about monster frogs that will snatch naughty children from their beds if they don't behave.
Yes, I was a tyrant when I babysit. I expect total obediance and in turn will entertain them with stories, and make believe plays where little girls becomes princesses and boys becomes dragon seeking knights. I play the referee in sibiling fights. Always keeping the outcasts firmly under my wings. The troublemakers has always had a soft spot in my heart for them. I miss them a lot and when I met them recently, I could hardly believe my eyes. They have grown and don't always retain that inherent sweetness that you see in younger children.
Yes, I miss them over the years. I constantly wonder about them as years goes by. Maybe the nurturer in me wanted them constantly in my life. So I can watch over them and heal the hurts as I did when they were merely babies. Hug them when they are down. Listen and talk to them as they share their wonders and woes. But children grows and you can't force them to be children forever.
How... strange. I really didn't remember that side of me in such a long time. The side that loves children. I guess as time goes by I buried that deeply inside. Always moving forward. One goal after another. Seeking, always seeking. The search ends now. It's time for me to learn to slow down and appreciate the simple joys of just being me.
I didn't want to blog today. I was busy reading another version of The Swan Lake. I always had a thing for that story. As always I was rooting for the underdogs, obviously in this case the Lady Odile as opposed to Princess Odette. I know it's Princess Odette that's cursed but I knew that in Fairy Tales, the beautiful princess is always rescued. Odile in this book is potrayed as someone who was somehow caught in a crossfire. She is indeed a minor sorceress, not a great beauty as Odette was. I guess maybe I see myself as one of the underdogs. Funny, but that thought just crossed my mind. In the end, she found herself and regained her freedom.
Well, I guess not everyone is out to get some Prince to rescue them. I am glad that I am one of them. Although, some Princes has hinted that they are terrified of my outrageous independent streak. Hearing that usually leave me torn between laughing and sadness. I am strong and I cannot be weak, not even for a man. And I wouldn't want to settle for less then who I need. It's like one of those, "You can't live with it, you can't live without it." situations. Maybe like Odile, I can find my freedom at the end of my journey. I certainly hope so.
I've got to go. Later!!
Love,
Julie
I guess it really helped when I got the load of my chest (not literally). I say it and it doesn't matter how it sounds and what I say, but at least it is said. It helped a lot that there's no smart Alec answers being thrown back at me. Although, there are times when what I really want is only to be heard.
Some call this whining. As they find it annoying, I stopped. I stop communicating in all way. If I find someone/something annoying, I just kept my peace. Anyway, who really wants to know anyway. But then the said I was too quiet. What do you want me to say? Tell me and I'll just parrot it out. I have nothing more to say.
Last night, someone called. We chatted about stuff when she said, "Hey, we've been talking about me, what about you?" *long silence* "What about me? Everything is fine." She presisted, "What about ...." *silence* "Old story. As far as I am concerned its Ctrl+Alt+Del." I realise that I've programmed myself to fit into what other finds 'right'. I've learned to stop whining. If I'm not going to do anything about it, I shut up. So now I have nothing to say.
My friend reminded me of something about the bonds of friendship that we forged in campus. We were very different people from different majors/courses. The thing that bonds us as close friends is the ability to listen and cope with each other's problems. We don't really need anyone to solve our problems, just to listen and make soothing noises. I remember the times when someone will come to my room and talk about her problems only to create her own solutions while venting.
I learn that we would like to talk/vent to people who listen. No, seriously listen. Not to those who let their mind wander or to those who dismisses our worries. And yes, I know that the things that worry some of us are mildly petty and unimportant to you but if you are not willing to listen say so. It's rude to dismiss other people's concern. It only aggrivates the frustrations. Just say, "Look I know you want to vent but I'm sorry I don't want to listen. All this negativity is not good for my chakaras (what ever that means)."
I forgot the times when I was there for people to vent. I thought that venting is bad, wrong somehow. Whining is not bad, with the right people. Because with the right person, it's not whining, it's just blowing off steam/ranting/venting. If I ever dismissed anyone's concerns before I apologise. Now I really know how it feels when you have something to say and those you sort of hope would listen just blows you off. Unfortunately, the mould has been cast, and I have been silenced. To unmake would be a waste of energy.
One thing that drives me nuts in campus was those rare people who have the rare habit of counting their blessings out loud and telling others how unfortunate they are for not having it. I'm not rich, fine. I'm not beautiful, so what? I don't have the 'perfect' family, I you say so. Look, everyone has their own plus and minuses. That includes me. But do you really have to make others miserable for what they don't have and what you have. Rubbing in wounds is not very nice, darling. It might make you feel great, good for you but it strains friendships. And yes, I know that you don't mean it 'that' way, but when you repeatedly do it, yes you do mean it 'that' way.
Finally, someone recently asked, "Do you hate your best friends?" *puzzled silence* "Huh??" How can you hate someone that is your best friend? Plus lately I rarely call or meet up with my best friends. Hate my best friend..?? Gee, how did that come up? Look, I'd give you the straightest answer that I can think of, "I don't hate any of my friends hence the title friends. But I'd really hate it when you talk/stab behind my back because it's not helpful. If you really have a problem with me, face me and say it. Hani did it, I've yet to kill her. What she said was right and I accepted it as my weakness and strive to change it. So there." Anyone else?? I seriously wonder about people who are scared to verbalize their problems with me. I have yet to eat anyone who disagrees me. I might scream and give tit for tat (petty of me) but no, I didn't do a tsunami yet.
I have to go. Work calls.
Love
Julie
