I promised myself that I'd take only 5 minutes to blog. There are some thoughts that I need to express.
The beauty of learning to survive alone without friends for certain periods of time when everyone is busy is that you tend to learn more about yourself. I'm not saying that I did it deliberatly. It so happens that I fell sick and had a long period of time to myself. I learn to accept the person that I am and no one else is more aware of my lacking than myself.
I don't voice my every thoughts out loud. Some are too personal to be shared with anyone. I'm paranoid that way. I am also contented to play what ever role that suit my surrounding. The fool, the happy, the clown, the sad, the weak, the pathetic. I find it very amusing when ppl lap it up and believe the facade that I present to the world. Note to my friends, I am someone else with every different person.
The core part of my personality of course is there. No doubt about it. But do you really ask me why I do the things I do. That's the strange thing about Az, she asks. Like Julie, "Why were you dating Muphobic?" I'd say well, I was bored and wanted to fill some of my spare time. Then there's Psycho. I dated him because I wanted to know how it feels to be worshipped. The result? I don't like it at all cause worshipping tends also to include clinging. "The Devil?" Well, that has to be stupidity. I was fresh out of a 'convent' and was not quite as world wise as I should be.
Now, the question of men/man in my life. I tend to gravitate to quiet men. I seek for someone peaceful so that I can at least be at peace most of the time. I am an emotionally expressive person. I'm affectionate and am a people pleaser. It comes naturally. Those men/man that I refuse to consider as potential date nowdays is because they are not what I seek.
I am completely against dating to fill time. Not after my last bout of 'hobby dating". It's a total waste of time. Now I am cautious of whom I become friendly with. Not because I have not guts, I think I've proven otherwise, but because they can fulfill my basic need of quietness and kindness.
That might not sound like a macho guy/man to you but as far as I'm concerned. But it takes a stronger man to turn the other cheek rather than retaliate. To listen instead of talking. To be patient instead of losing his temper. That is a true measure of a man.
So there. It has nothing to do with my fear of hurt. It's about finding someone compatible. The right tune that makes a melody. Okay? Happy. Now let me enjoy my hormons while I still unattached/single and bedammed with the rest.
Love,
Julie.
PS: Damm more than 5 minutes already.
By now you should realise that I'm still at the office working. Boss has gone home taking for granted that I will finish all the work in time for soft launch this Monday. I begin to hate the word 'Soft Launch'.
I have around 10-12 years worth of data to transform tonight. Ah, hell. There now you know why I didn't blog either yesterday.
GTG
Love,
Julie.
Internal Demons
I finished reading a romance novel by Jo Beverly. Somewhere in the novel, the heroin fell into a most deadly trap, delusions. Having delusions that she would have a chance at winning the man she loves. She gave her everything, her wisdom, her faith and more painfully her love. Whilst reading this I was impatiently chastising this woman as a fool. I thought, "Why the hell does this woman persist when she knows that her odds at winning him over was slim to non (forgive my mathematical mind)." Why on earth would someone be so stupid despite his/her wisdom. Then I realize that I too had made the same mistake. Except unlike myself, her story had a happy ending as romance novels customarily do. I ended up jaded and bitter, maybe not particularly bitter but, I'm wary. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.
Some might wonder why I'm bringing up old stories but perhaps I would share my wisdom and hope others would not make the same mistake. It might be helpful to point out that I was from a girl school and was living in a university quarters hence my lack of social skills. I was surrounded by loving father, distant brother, kindly uncles and indulgent male university students who like to view me as their little sisters with pigtails and all that. I was living in a secure la la land where all guys are divided into the uncle slot or brother slot. So my first day in matriculation college was a 'mild' shock.
The males I met demanded to be respected and worshiped regardless of how they behaved and thought. Some were completely asses and some are really sweet. Being my father's daughter, I in my most mild manner kicked a$$. If you want my respect you shall earn it sons of Adam. Hence begun the battle of sexes. One girl against all the boys, hmmm not wise. Thankfully CM and Az acted as buffers and backers so I wasn't completely alone. Then love hits like a proverbial hammer.
Okay that obviously has to be a lie. I'm very cautious. So it begun with little things. Unwanted attentions at first then after much nagging from 'close' acquaintances, I accepted the fact that this 'mule' isn't going anywhere. So I mentally stuck up my chin and said, "So show me." The biggest mistake of my life. Asses/Mules are known for their tenacity. Plus he's seriously sweet, misguided but sweet. The first lesson today is, "Never enter a relationship when any one of the partners was just dumped." It's a sure sign of trying to get on a horse right after being thrown. The pain is fresh and you might get caught up in a back lash.
We talked, we walked and we talked some more. I intrigue him you see, I was a complete opposite of his meek scheming girlfriend. I refrain the word Ex since it's redundant anyway. You can't try to wipe away the memories of first love. I was direct, blunt and I never seem to say what I don't mean, although sometimes I might never mean what I said. Life was smooth. School was terrible, I was screwing up academically and physically. My grades were falling and I was hospitalized that year. I cannot seem to stop my restlessness and wandering mind. I was sleeping/daydreaming during classes. Things my teacher taught didn't make sense. Plus I was argumentative when it comes to theory of science. I challenged the teacher's authority. But I digress.
When I entered the university I feared the changes. But it's alright, I foolishly thought, my rock of Gibraltar was with me. The first year was fine, we were still talking, discovering each other. I was secured in the knowledge that you were a phone call away. I could rant and rave about anything. He'd listen and share his thoughts with me. It didn't matter that we were apart. I trusted him to stay faithful. It was a love that grew instead of flaming passion. For a while things went smoothly but life is never boring is it?
We started arguing over stupid things. Politic, religion, morality.. everything I thought or felt was wrong. When I finally had enough, I told him that it's over. I cannot remain in a manipulative relationship. I had pride and I knew that I was strong. Plus when you are surrounded by friends, it was easy to get rid of hurt. I hated you and what you tried to make me feel. But I never learn things the easy way did I?
He came back promising me that he had changed. That he still loved me. It was at a weak moment that I crumbled and agreed to take him back. I had started dating again, you see and it was difficult to find someone that I could say anything to. Plus I was afraid of making myself vulnerable to strangers again. Better the devil I knew I thought. How wrong I was. In the beginning, he was repented. He was normal. Just like the man I knew and adored. We were happy, really happy. Then things begin to subtlety change.
I was to hard and ungentle he said, unladylike. I must learn to please the person vowed to love. Like a complete idiot, I tried. I tried so hard to be less argumentative more of a lady that he would be proud to show his parents. I tried to conform, thinking that it's time that I grew up and act like one. I became a whisper of myself. I quitted all my extra curricular activities so that I can work on my grades. He want the mother of his children to be smart and his wife to be an asset to his career. That's when it all unravels.
I grew distraught with my failure. I was too fat, too stupid and completely incompetent. I wasn't witty enough or polite enough. As I tried to match his description of ideal women, I remember things I'd rather forget. I opened a Pandora box. Even now I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and fragments of myself and try to glue them together. Foolish, I was a slave not to passion but to love. I became the love fool.
After a total breakdown, I finally gave up. I was secure in my family and friends support. His lies couldn't hurt me anymore. But still I loved and my heart ached. Az begged me to forget and move on. But I missed him so badly. I was weak, totally addicted to his brand of madness. I was in an emotional rollercoaster. God knows I cried bucket of tears. But as my feet dragged me away from him, my heart pleaded. "Give love another chance. He's changed now. Pity to waste 3 odd years of loving. Just one more time."
I was suckered into a hell of my own making. It didn't matter that he were abusing me. I deserved it. I was wrong, I was evil, I was bad, everyone said so. So I suffered. I was barely civil to my friends. My emotional outburst became so often that Az wondered what happened. She didn't know that I went back to him. She found out anyway, it's difficult to hide from someone who knows you inside out. She freaked out and cursed my stubborn hide. My closest floor mates descended on me, tried to talk sense into me.
"But I love him", I protested. "And he is right." People begin to suspect black magic was at work. I sometime wonder myself. This violent cycle of self destruction where I swing between feeling euphorically in love and self despair (hatred). One day I woke up and hated what I saw in the mirror. A groveling coward. Especially when I started work and that itself easily distracted me from constantly thinking about him. There were time when I had to stop myself from calling him. I recently deleted his number from my phone book.
Looking back, maybe things wouldn't be so bad if I had listen to my mind instead of my heart. My mind urged my to give him up but my heart? It was stupidly and irrationally in love with him. Then I remembered what I told my brother many years ago, "A women's gift lies from the fact that she could love despite the imperfections. She didn't want perfection, she merely wanted to love and be loved." Ah, to be reminded of such painful words. I finally grew up. I just didn't think that life's lessons would be this painful.
Love,
Julie.
Dear ppl,
I suppose by now I could start thinking about changing the title of this blog into "Julie's Work." That's all I write about anyway. Let's start, I arrived this morning only to be told to prepare for a visit to a company. We were going to test the system and so forth. It took 1 hour for the technical things to setup for my system testing. 3 of us went there. 1 guy and 2 girls. Both Voon and Tan was in their late twenties meanwhile I was a fresh graduate. I guess they (the company assistant manager et al) thought that young people are as stupid as they look. Youth is not an excuse to dismiss me, thank you.
They were kissing up to Voon and Tan but literally ignored me. I was quite fascinated by the fact that they ask the questions to Voon and gets the answer from myself. I guess that's why some of the vendors asked if I had worked with my current company for several years already. But in a way, it was great they directed most of the questions to Voon. I had little patience and would have said something along the line of, "Like duh, that is like so obvious." or "Go read the circulars, dude." or worse, "I don't need you to tell me how to do my job." See, I have little patience with people who look down on others. I lack tact and diplomacy to deal with whiny company. That was why Voon accompanied me, my boss knows me that well.
I was schedule to have a meeting at 3 p.m. That is bad. I was physically at my worse due to sleeping problems. I feel restless until after midnight. So I my famous 40 winks 5 minutes before the meeting to recharge. It worked, I was able to cope with demands and keep a cool head. Then I read my boss's e-mail. What!!!!!
"Lily, we shall soft launch our system on Monday, 19 January 2004. Please prepare ..."
Is this man CRAZY??!! The system is unstable and iffy. Plus there's so many bugs that needs to be fixed. The clerk that was assign with my work is 2 weeks overdue with the listing but you don't want to know that. *sigh* More staying back then. My plans for Friday night is shot!
On the plus side I get to work with sexy smelling programmer (SSP):) Ah... hormone rules!!! *cough* Excuse my momentary laps. Met the SSP today, didn't get to savor the experience due to work load. I have an Access database programmer wanting my input, as if I know anything. Some important documents is missing. I have to write "An Idiot's Manual to This System." Plus I get field trips to makes sure everything is in place for the 'soft launch.' I want to retire soon. Tomorrow sounds nice.
Tired...Sleep...Night ppl...
Love,
Julie
I have nothing what so ever to say:) At 9.00 p.m.
Boys and Men
How does one differentiate one from another? I've seen wise grown men frolicking like little boys. Some women say things like, "He is such a child." But I don't know, some of the most childish antics can be quite amusing. But only when it's playful and has no harmful intent. As a close friend said, "I don't want to be my husbands mother." So let both sides be childish and fun loving, life is too short anyway.
Lately, I've been surrounded by men at work. I am working with a lot of IT guys doing database work and domain stuff. And another friend did warn me, "Julie, in this field you would be working with mostly males." Well, I know that now, especially when the woman involved was merely the marketing manager. Bah! The server room at work is kinda small. Put 10 people in it and there's no more space to move.
I am toying with the SQL database currently, trying to get all the input into the system. Glorified errand girl, I call myself. Indeed, the only one with any basic SQL knowledge was the Senior Exec. So I sat beside the system programmer trying to learn everything during the installation. He was nice enough to help me write everything down. Plus he smells nice:)
Today of all days, I was stuck with uploading more stuff and that means kicking around with the server. Plus I'm suppose to send out error report/logs/e-mail, so I need to retrieve the information from the system. I confess, I'm mostly terrified of technical people especially when I have to handle company's property. The engineers might snipe or say something nasty, you'd never know. But today, I had the pleasure of 3 engineers, the senior IT exec plus my boss as an added bonus.
The 2 engineers were merely running system testing which means they get to HOG the servers. While my boss, senior IT guy and another engineers were checking the mail server. Those fools still wonders why the cantankerous server bounce most of the e-mails both ways, incoming and outgoing:) I took a deep breath and asked IT guy if it was ok for me to work on the SQL server. True enough all the 'jokes' starts.
For the life of me, I couldn't decide if they think I was deft or they were trying to embarrassed me by making dirty jokes and laughing uproariously in the server room. And I couldn't decided if I should laugh or get angry. I mean, it's not like their dirty joke isn't funny but it was. I had to hold my breath to stop myself from laughing. I just didn't think that it was appropriate thing to talk about in mixed company. *sigh* I know that's very boring of me but there has to be a line somewhere.
Gingko and Tongkat Ali
The thing was that one engineer said with a very straight face that gingko was good for memory. I find that to be a very strange thing to say. My boss takes gingko, so what? Then he share the added/side benefits. Gingko apparently encourage blood circulation and if it benefits the brain, it will surely benefit the other head too. After that profound pronouncement, I went a tad blue in the face, furiously trying to hold all my breath.
I was so desperate to burst out laughing probably sounding like a hyena and looking like a Gorgon. I means surely men aren't that desperate right?? They have to be kidding. I'll never be able to look my boss with a straight face. I'd be wondering, "Hm..., is he taking that pill to make it easier to memorize formulas or for the Viagra/Tongkat Ali effect." There are time when I just want to bang my head on the wall.
I have to go. I promised to go harass another friend:) Cherrio.
Additional Rant
I personally have an irritating problem. I can't seem to leave secrets or puzzle or mysteries unsolved. It bugs me to death. I might give up eventually. I have the constant need to figure out everthing about my friends. This time I have been challanged. Well see what I'll find out. I shan't share of course. Mine all mine this twisted puzzle.
Love
Julie.
