Have you ever read Alice in the Wonderland by Lewis Carroll? It was one of my favorite books. Even now, at this age I really love that book. It remind me the power of an imaginative mind. But right now, I feel a little like Alice who fell through the rabbit hole.
"Down, down the rabbit hole, will the fall never stop?"
Right now, I am toeing the thin line between rationality and an emotional breakdown. Why? That's what everyone asks me. Why Julie? Why do you feel the way you do? Every question is like a taunt that I can't seem to answer. Everytime I try to discuss it, it becomes a confrontation. When I ask for understanding, I get threats. I am truely sick and tired of this. There are times when the blade looks more and more tempting indeed.
I need time away, where I don't have to talk when I don't want to. I don't have to smile when I'd rather not. A place where I could just be me. When I'm sad, I don't really want to talk about it. I'd figure it out and solve it. When I'm worried, I still don't want to talk about it. Because in both situations people usually dismisses my problems and worries at trifles/nonsense/nothing as compare to... It might be nothing as compared to ..., to you but to me it's important. Why is it so difficult to understand that?
You don't walk in my shoes. I don't walk in yours. As I am willing to accept you for who you are, why can't you do the same? Why can't you accept that I don't need things. I seriously don't. I need you to be there. Just be there to hold my hands when things get rough. I don't need diamonds and pearls. I don't need a long holiday in Europe. I don't need things. I just need you to be there for me. Is that too much to ask?
As I count my blessings, I realise that I am more thankful for all the shoulders that I can cry on, all the hands that caught me when I fall and all the people who stood by me throughout my years of trouble. I rarely thank God for the things in my life. Isn't it troubling that I need people more then I need things?
I've been told repreatedly about how ungrateful I was for all the things in my life. I agree. Maybe I took for granted all the things that is in my life. But if you asked me what more could I want, I'd probably say nothing. I don't need stuff. I am contented with the stuff that I have. But I feel lost and confused. I don't want to lose myself in endless search of entertainment. It does gets old after a while. Then what am I looking for??
Why do I feel so discontented? What am I looking for? What do I want? I don't know. I just don't. Caught in a tangled web. Caught between responsibility and my need to be free. It is true, I am easily manipulated by my parents. I am nothing but an extention of my parents. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. No more and no less. Ah, such a spineless person to contort myself into another person's mould. My brother has been nagging me to leave. I should go far, far away so I have some space to grow into myself. Without restraints.
I am cursed with the need to please my parents, that sometime I have no idea who I am anymore. And, no they are mostly disapproving anyway. I am never good enough. I frustrates me to no end that I can't please them nor could I please them. A good girl or a bad girl, the world isn't as black and white as my parents would like to pretend it is. Maybe sometimes we hurt the one that we love most to be someone that we should. I hate to do that to my parents but I can't do this anymore.
Right now, no one could hate myself more then me. I really hate myself. Enough to hurt myself in many ways. I despise myself. My weaknesses. The things in me that I lack. I'm weak and pathetic. I wish.., I don't know what to wish for anyway. Maybe silence, long deep silence.
Julie
